08x13 - Sucks for You

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, why is Joe
taking a lunch break?

What's got q looking
for a midnight cowboy?

We need more of that!

And which losing joker
will be "all about that bass"

in tonight's punishment?

You haven't seen
the last of me, humans!

Sal: Prepare
for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache,
what's up?

Murr: Like a boss!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Q: What are you,
crazy, lady?!

Today, we're at the
world-famous katz's deli.

While bussing tables,
we're gonna have to do

and say whatever
the other guys tell us to.

If you refuse to do or
say anything, you lose.

Oh, man!
I hate cats!

Ohh! Sal!

♪

- This place is packed.
- It's a sea of people.

Joe: Here we go.

Q: Sal, this guy
with the backpack

that's about to pass you...
Stop him.

"I made about $250,000
in tips last year."

I made about $250,000
in tips last year.

"So take your
condescending looks...

So take your
condescending looks...

and stuff them
down your p*nis."

and shove 'em down your p*nis.

I love people with
good attitudes, man.

Oh, he's the best.

Murr: Sal, you look thirsty.
Grab that woman's beer.

And she just sat down.

♪

- This guy...
- Oh, oh, oh, oh!

- She's telling the boyfriend.
- Sal, drink the beer.

- Oh, he's coming over!
- Uh-oh. Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Q: Oh. Oh, oh!

What's that?
This is your beer?

From the table over there.

Q: Drink while
he talks to you.

How... how would you like
to work this out?

I would like to speak
with your manager.

I... I will get him.
One second, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay. Hold on.

Joe: Walk in the door,
then walk back out.

Say, "hi.
I'm the manager."

Murr: Take the hat off.
Take the hat off.

I'm the manager.

Can I help you?
Did you have an issue?

- I fired him. He's home.
- Are you kidding me?

Just give me the new beer.

I'll have it
brought over to you.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Q: Have a sip.
Have a sip.

Joe: Sal, talk
to people's ears.

Don't talk to people.
Talk to their ears.

Just don't let 'em
see you comin', though.

- Yeah.
- That's the main thing.

If you need any pickles
or anything like that,

or coleslaw, just let me know.

I can bring over
as much as you like.

I see you're finished here.
Can I bus that out of your way?

Okay.

No, nope, Nuh-unh.
Take it.

- No, don't!
- You don't like this.

Those aren't pickles, though.

"Guys, what do you
want me to do?!"

Guys, what do you
want me to do?!

Man: Sir?

Joe: Sal, stand there
and start sobbing.

Stand there.
Start sobbing.

♪

I'm sorry, bro.
Come on back.

It's all gravy.
Don't even worry about it.

Bring your cart and your
emotions. Come on back.

Here we go. I know.
I get it.

- Do you want more pickles?
- Absolutely. Real pickles.

Q: That guy is awesome.

Joe: Look at
the hat on q.

Looks like somebody washed
and dried a sailor.

Q, it's a good thing
that you came in today

even though
you didn't feel well.

- Hmm.
- But that dry heave...

That's a b*tch, ain't it?
Murr: Aww.

Murr: He's got a case
of the dry heaves?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- That's the worst.

As you're bussing tables, just
start dry heaving a little bit.

- You finished with this?
- Yes.

This is prob...

I can probably
get rid of this, right?

- I actually might start...
- No, no, don't.

- I might start...
- You're gonna make sal throw up.

I just felt it in my throat.

Oh, he's got...
His hairs are sticking up.

- Look at him!
- Just the sound of that?

It doesn't take a lot,
and that's actually an issue.

Q: Oh, yeah.
Just toss that in there.

Thank you.

Murr: Tell this woman,
"thanks for being a friend."

- Thank you for being a friend.
- Sure.

Joe: This guy in the green shirt
got a great Adam's apple.

We should probably tell him
about it extensively.

Murr: Yeah.

That's a...
Great Adam's apple.

You've got a great Adam's apple.

Yeah, very strong.
Yeah, very s... really nice.

Really nice.

Not... not...
Congratulations. That's...

What's it like being married to
that kind of Adam's apple, man?

You never noticed
that Adam's apple?!

What are you, crazy, lady?!

You mind if I get a picture
of that Adam's apple?

"Nah, I'll just bite it."

Alright.

- Oh, congratulations.
- Congratulations!

Q: There he is.

Joe, you know what this place
is great for? Some nosing.

- Whoa!
- Right?

We haven't seen that
in a few seasons, buddy.

Geez.
You're out of practice.

I'm sorry.
This is waiter 2.

- Oh.
- Waiter 2, yeah.

- Yeah, this.
- Yeah.

Murr: Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Almost.

Oh, you're 5. Oh, my god.
Okay, sorry.

♪

So, if I...
I could see if you're...

That was a ding.

He's still got it.

Picture?
Did you want a picture?

Sal: Joey, nose him.
Nose him now. Nose him.

- It's still funny.
- It's still funny.

Murr: Joe, nose the phone.
Nose the phone, buddy.

Woman: Thank you.

Well, we're still gettin'
mileage out of this bit.

-Yeah.

- How was the beer? Free?
- Good.

Murr: Hey, sal.
That's your beer buddy.

"The guy that took
your beer is fired."

You know, they
sh*t-canned that guy.

- What a great word.
- Yeah. "sh*t-canned."

Keep saying it.
Keep saying it.

The guy that took
your beer is fired.

He's sh*t-canned...
From here.

They won't... he...
They sh*t-canned him from that.

We all might've been
sh*t-canned.

Are you guys done with this?
Thank you so much.

Joe, you got some leftovers
in front of you?

Notice I didn't
call them garbage.

I called 'em leftovers,

if you'd like to start
munching out of that.

- Ew.
- Make sure people see you, bud.

♪

♪

- "Num, num."
- Num, num.

Q: You wanna ask
the woman in purple?

"I don't know
if you've noticed..."

I don't know if you've noticed,
but I've been eating garbage.

"So I'll...
I'll eat your garbage."

Yeah. If you're done
with that, yeah.

Oh, this one you don't like?
Oh, I can have this one?

Oh, alright.
I eat all the garbage here.

- Really?
- Yeah.

♪

Murr: Okay.

- Here we go.
- How was the meal, guys? Good?

- Good. Thank you.
- Great.

Sir, could you mind standing
for one sec so she can...

Here. Just stand up for one sec.
There you go.

- Yeah, just...
- Now take the chair, murr,

and just walk away with it.

There you go. Better?
Okay, great.

Thank you so much.

Q: Ah, he just grabbed
the other chair.

Murr, that was his seat.
What is he doing?

You gotta get him back
in the original seat.

I'm sorry. Excuse me, guys.
Sorry. Hey, I'm sorry.

- What are you doing?
- Yeah. You took it.

What? No. No.

Put the seat back.
This is your seat.

I love when he says "no"
like that.

Sal:
"What's the issue?"

What's the issue here?
What's the issue?!

Put the seat back!

- "No!"
- no!

Put the seat back.
Here's your seat.

Put the seat back.

Joe: Look at her!
Look at her!

Q: That really
blew their minds.

"Tips are appreciated,
but not necessary."

Then walk away.

Tips are appreciated,
but not necessary.

Q: Look at
their faces!

Joe: Murr,
there's a guy on line

that looks like
m. Night shyamalan.

"Oh, my god!
M. Night shyamalan!"

Oh, my god! M...
M. Night shyamalan.

I'm a huge fan of "sixth sense"
a-and "unbreakable."

And, uh, "glass" was great.

Can I take a picture
with you? Is that okay?

Sure, but I'm not
an actor, dude.
Yeah.

"No, I know you consider
yourself a director."

You're a director.
I know, I know.

- Here we go. All right?
- I'm not a director, either.

Yes, you are.

- M. Night shyamalan, right?
- I'm not!

"What's the twist ending?
That you are?"

What is the twist ending?

You are m. Night shyamalan,
right?

- I'm not m. Night shyamalan.
- Yes, you are.

- My name's Wally.
- Your name's Wally.

- Yeah.
- Got it.

See ya later,
Wally m. Night shyamalan.

- Sure.
- I'll see you later.

Yeah. Let me...
I'll take this.

- Thank you so much.
- You wanna... you wanna wrap it.

- "You got the right guy."
- You got the right guy.

"I'm actually
a freestyle rapper."

I'm actually a... I'm actually
a freestyle rapper.

If you don't get
one line out, you lose.

Check it.

Sal: He's never been able
to do this, ever.

Joe: Ever.
In eight seasons.

Come on, Murray.
Don't let me down.

Woman: Would it be possible
to wrap it to go?

- You wanna... you wanna wrap it.
- "You got the right guy."

You got the right guy.

"I'm actually
a freestyle rapper."

I'm actually a...
I'm actually a freestyle rapper.

If you don't get
one line out, you lose.

Check it.

Sal: He's never been able
to do this, ever.

Joe: Ever.
In eight seasons.

Come on, Murray.
Don't let me down.

♪ Pastrami, yo! ♪

- Yo.
- Let me just get a box.

Joe: Done!

Narrator: Q and murr
couldn't cut the mustard,

so they're first up
on the loser board.

Today, while talking
to strangers in the park,

we'll have to express
an unpopular opinion

about a person passing by.

The catch is, both
the person passing by

and the unpopular opinion

will be given to us
by the other guys.

If you can't get the person
you're talking to

to agree with your
unpopular opinion, you lose.

For instance, unpopular
opinion... I'm the skinny one.

Don't agree.

♪

Do you know when they turn
the fountain back on?

There was supposed to be
tulips by now.

It's... it's mid-may.

Yeah.

Q: We're sending out
a member of our crew,

Terry, to help us today.

Joe: You know Terry.

You have an unpopular
opinion about him.

You see this guy here... this
guy walking by us right here?

This may be an unpopular
opinion, but...

Q: "But, I mean,
put a hat on.

No one needs
to see that head."

He just realized it.
He just realized.

Put a hat on, right?

Nobody wants to see
the... the baldness.

Seriously, just put a hat on.
Why do I gotta stare at that?

"I still have a little up top.
I'm good."

I mean, I still got...
I still got some up top,

so I don't need a hat yet,
but he should be wearing one.

"That bald
has nothin'."

That bald has nothin'.

Why do I gotta look at that?
What is that...

Some people aren't
as lucky as you, so...

I guess so. Some people
aren't as lucky as me,

with the amount of hair
on my head.

So what about for summer? Should
they put a hat on for summer?

He should put a hat on
year-round.

- Oh.
- If he's going outside.

I gotta stare at his baldness?

"You don't need to flaunt
your genetic failures."

I don't need to
see them flaunting

their genetic failures.
You know what I mean?

- Oh, uh...
- Right?

It's gross. It's gross.

I mean, you agree with
that opinion, right?

I mean... No.

- No?
- Yeah!

Is there any way I could
convince you otherwise?

Why? Why would you
wanna convince me?

I just... it's just kind of
the thing I'm doing today.

Tomorrow,
it'll be something else.

I may be a dentist
or a nurse. Who knows?

Anyways, be careful
of the thumbs-down.

- It's gonna fly in any second.
- Okay.

Excuse me. Do you know
when they're turning on

the George t. Delacorte
fountain?

Um, no.

- You don't know when it goes on?
- No.

Murr: Alright, here comes
the guy with flowers, Joey.

Ugh.
Look at this guy.

"This may be
an unpopular opinion...

This might be
an unpopular opinion.

But flowers are plant genitals,

and we shouldn't
give them as gifts."

Flowers, in essence,
are plant genitals

that shouldn't be
given as gifts.

Notice hand on phone,
key in-between knuckles.

But they're beautiful.

- "Genitals can be beautiful."
- Genitals can be beautiful,

but it doesn't mean
they should be a gift.

- Plant genitals?
- Right.

I know it's an
unpopular opinion,

but you see what I'm saying?

I know there's good
intentions behind it.

I'm not talking
about the intention.

I'm talking about the genitalia.

What do you say?
What do you say about it?
What say you about it?

"What do you say about
genitals in the park?"

What do you say about...

What do you say about beautiful
genitals and flower work?

I don't know.
I'm very confused.

Very confused?
I just need you...

For you to agree that planet
genitals, a.K.A. "Flowers,"

should not be given as gifts.

We can agree to disagree.

- Oh, okay.
- There you go.

- Yes, we can.
- I'll give you this much...

I'll think about it every time
I ever see a flower.

There you go.
There you go.

This is perfect weather...
Perfect weather.

Nice breeze, rain's gone.

I'll... I'll take my whole
lunch out here every day.

Q:
She hasn't said a word.

Can't wait for them to turn
the fountains on, though.

Joe: "You?"

- What's this, sal?
- See the guy on the unicycle?

Look at this.

Q: "I know this is
an unpopular opinion...

He should die in a fire."

- What's this, sal?
- See the guy on the unicycle?

Q: "He should die
in a fire."

I know is probably
an unpopular opinion,

but that guy should die
in a fire, I think.

We get it.
You ride a unicycle.

You don't have to, you know,

go in front of our faces,
round and round.

- "I hope he roasts."
- I hope he...

"like a rotisserie
chicken."

I'm otherwise a nice person,

but I hope he roasts like
a rotisserie chicken, that guy.

You know what I'm talkin' about.

"If not here,
then in hell."

I mean, if not up here,
then one day,

in due time in hell
or something.

I just... I'm not about it.

I'm not about the guy
on the unicycle.

- "You agree, right?"
- "You agree, right?"

You would... you would agree?

Yeah.
Very much agree.

Q: No, wait a second.

Get her to say it.
Get her to say that.

-"So you agree
the unicyclist..."

So you agree...
By fire, by hell, by fury,

as long as he goes down, right?

That's what I'm saying.
That's what I'm saying.

- High five.
- I can't believe it!

I can't believe you got it.

Hi. How you doing?
I'm fine. Why?

Oh, oh, oh.
Sorry, sorry.

Murr: Here we go.

Do you know... do you know
when they turn on the fountain?

I've never seen it.

Oh, you've never
seen it turned on?

- Q, you know chase.
- One of our crew members.

Oh, look at this.

- Look at this guy.
- Oh, he's got the short shorts.

- Yeah.
- What's up with this guy?

Those are some short shorts.

How you doing, bro?

Murr: "This may be
an unpopular opinion...

This might be an
unpopular opinion, but...

but there should be way more
male prostit*tes in this park."

there should
actually be way more

male prostit*tes in this park.

You know?

Look at this guy.

Who wants more male prostit*tes?

Sal: Oh, look at him.

Look at him go!

We need more of that!
Do you agree?

- I guess I agree.
- You agree!

- Aww.
- There, you got it, q.

How's it going, brother?

Chase: It's going.

I just got a quick
question for you.

- What do you got?
- I just wanna know how much.

The prost*tute becomes
the prost*tute...

-Tay.
Tay.

Come on...

♪

Narrator: Joe and murr
couldn't sway the public,

making murr tonight's big loser.

- Oh, yeah.
- Alright!

Murray's our big loser.

We are on pier 60
at a tech conference

thrown by sisense where, murr,
you gotta give a speech.

A speech?
I can do that all night long.

So, in the past, we've shot
your mouth up with novocaine.

We've shot your body up
with histamines.

We've messed with you
from underneath the podium.

This time, we're going to
mess with your voice.

You'll notice in the microphone,
there's a tube that's connected

to either helium
for your voice to go high,

or sulfur hexafluoride
to make your voice go low.

So you suck it,
and then you talk.

And then craziness ensues.
Got it. Got it.

You're fine, 'cause
all you have to do is
go out there and suck,

which you do
every second anyway.

So, kinesis is a streaming
service that allows you to...

Joe: This place, sisense...
This is an invitation-only

industry-leading event
right now.

Q: These are the people
that forge the future...

That's exactly right.
Through technology.

So who am I being introduced as?

You'll find out.

He has no idea what this
speech is about at all.

- Yeah.
- So he has no idea

that he's gonna go start
with a personal story,

and let's just say
it's gonna take a turn.

Our next guest is a professor of
science, technology, and society

at New York university.
Jesus.

His research in the field of
neuroaugmentations and data...

Neuroaugmentation.

Please welcome to the stage
Dr. Dexter Scott!

Joe: Alright, bud.
You're up.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you. Thank you so much.

Alright, murr. So, we're gonna
tell you which one to suck...

Either the helium or the sulfur.

And then you just go ahead
and continue talking

and give your speech.

My name is Dex...
Dr. Dexter Scott.

I'm going to share a story about
my own addiction to technology.

Almost ruined my life,
in all seriousness.

I'll never forget
that breezy, perfect day

just at the start of the summer.

And I was to be married
to my high-school sweetheart,

Dr. Mary Jo Simmons.

Oh, I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.

It was also the year
I got my first smartphone.

- Suck!
- Here we go. Here we go.

Sal: Oh, god.
Oh, my god.

It was also the year
I got my first smartphone.

Q: Suck!

Mary Jo
was truly my better half.

We did crossword puzzles
together every day.

She was everything I could
ever ask for in a partner.

However, on our wedding day,

I get a very important call

regarding the patent
I was working on.

What do you say about
some sulfur? Suck.

Q: Here we go.
Here we go.

The fools
at the U.S. government

denied my patent.

This patent would create
a symbiotic relationship

between humans and technology,

instead of this bluescreen
hellscape we live in.

Joe: Look at this guy!
Look at this guy!

And Mary Jo finally burst

through my door
in her wedding dress

and begged me
to turn off the phone.

And then I did something
I would always regret.

I turned and yelled
at Mary Jo...

Suck!

"get out
of here, you ignorant child!

I'm on the phone and a laptop!

Can't you see
this is bigger than us?"

- Oh, my god.
- We broke up.

She married my rival,

professor Arthur goodthought.

Joe: He's breaking!

And I had to start over without
my patents or precious Mary Jo.

Now I've learned that the best
way to use technology...

Q:
Suck that sulfur.

Is to become the technology.

Behold, I am the megabyte,

and I control all the technology
in this room!

You're a villain!

Resistance is futile.

This is the supervillain
megabyte origin story.

Another thing
you should always, always do...

- Helium.
- Suck helium.

Is fear me!

Fear me.

Have you ever considered...
This is so stupid!

Paying more attention to your
phone than a fellow human is...

Q: Sulfur time.

Completely pointless!

Now there will only be
technology like myself,

shutting down earth lights
in three, two, one.

Q: Helium.
Suck the helium.

Aah!
Your firewalls are too strong!

My mainframe is getting haunted!

Joe: Go back again!

You haven't
seen the last of me, humans!

Megabyte!

The megabyte will interface
with your children

and your children's children.

Thank you for your time.

My mother is here to pick me up.

- Yes!
- There goes megabyte!

I did not think I was gonna
laugh that hard out of the gate.

♪

Q: Sal, this guy in the vest
that you're coming up to.

Lean over and go, "another day,
another crop dust."

And then just keep going.

Another day, another crop dust.
Am I right?

Q: Waa.

Hello. I'm sorry.

Q: See the guy putting
the green jacket on?

He's Seth Rogen.
Get his autograph.

Oh, my god.
Seth Rogen. I'm a huge fan.

I'm a huge fan, Mr. Rogen.
I love all your movies.

Can... can I get an autograph
or... or a photo with you?

- Is that okay?
- I'm not Seth... I'm not, uh...

Yes, you are.
You're being coy with me.

It's Seth Rogen, guys.

Come here.
Let's take a photo.

Can we put you up on
the wall, Mr. Rogen?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I loved the... here you go.

- What's your name?
- J... my name's James.

And I know all of
the Seth Rogen movies.

- Name one Seth Rogen movie.
- Name two.

The... the, uh,
the comedy, right?

The comedy he was in?

Great. Anyways, Mr. Rogen,
keep up the great work.

You got it, man.
Thanks, man.

♪

Murr: Alright, Joey.
"Unpopular opinion."

I have an unpopular opinion.

- "When I see a beard...
- When I see a beard...

I assume 'felon.'"

I assume "felon."

Did you ever...
Did you ever rock a beard?

Yeah, me neither.
I can't get the...

I have a friend who's got
a beard that's so terrible.

It's... it's the worst.

It's like a scraggly... like,
it looks like a briar's patch.

He's talking about you.

Joe: Sal.

Another friend of mine
has a magnificent beard.

But it's just
to hide double chins.

- Yeah.
- Come to think of it,

both of them are two
of the shadiest guys I know.

But the most shady guy
I know only has stubble.

Stubble on his head,
stubble on his chin.

Stubble on his heart, probably.

"Think about the worst person
in history."

Yeah, but I mean,
if you think about

all the bad people in history...

- "They all had beards."
- They all had beards.

Every... every last one them.

- "Genghis Khan."
- Genghis Khan.

- "George steinbrenner."
- George steinbrenner.

- All of them.
- George steinbrenner?

You know. All felons.

- "Jim carrey."
- Jim carrey.

- "Rupaul."
- rupaul.

- "Shirley temple."
- Shirley temple.

"Cast of 'the flintstones.'"

the cast of
"the flintstones."

- "The Volkswagen touareg."
- The Volkswagen touareg.

- "Emmanuel Lewis."
- Yeah. Emmanuel Lewis.

Super Mario!