08x16 - Sun-Fan Lotion

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up...
Why is sal getting slap-happy?

Get it.

Narrator: Who knew murr
was a model parent?

It says, "congratulations
to my son,"

and I put a great picture of me.

And which losing joker
will get shmeared

in tonight's punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
Like a boss!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Sal:
Who's laughing now, Mildred?

Today, we're at
body by Brooklyn,

getting our bodies rubbed
by masseuses.

While we're getting our bodies
rubbed by masseuses,

we've got to do and say
what the other guys tell us.

If you refuse to do or say
anything, you lose,

but you still get your body
rubbed by a masseuse.

I'm naked under this.

Ooh!

I mean, I'm naked under this.

Q?

♪♪

What was your name again?

"I'm sorry my body's
so disgusting."

Sorry my body's so disgusting.

Joe, there's some singles
we hid underneath the table.

Every once in a while,
break him off one.

Doing great.

Do it again.
Do it again.

That's where the tense is.
Yep.

That's so weird!

Do it again.

I just put it where
I wanted you to...

- Yeah.
- The action.

It's oddly like watching
an elephant eat peanuts.

You know how they just, like,
come and take it

and then put it away?

Oh, that pat was really weird.

Joe, you need to get
a dollar back from him.

Wrong spot.
He hit the wrong spot, Joe.

You got to fine him.

Oh, oh, oh.

Yes.

That's gonna cost you a dollar.

Yeah, just one.

That's it right there, yeah.

See, yeah, that's going
right back to you.

Joey, flip.

I'm sorry.

Sal: Fall off the bed.

- Oh!

Joe: I'm good.

This bed looks wide.

My blood sugar.

Yeah, yeah.
Whoopsie.

"It's alright, you could rest
your belly on my head

if you need to."

You could rest your belly
on my head if you need to.

- -I don't know how it works.
- -

Joe: Oh, no. Good.

Just follow up.

Say, "you could rest anything
you need to on my head."

He's not gonna do it.
That's alright.

We'll take a thumbs-down right
into the small of your back.

Murr: Oh, that feels great.

I don't want a peek into
his normal masseuse life.

Murr, I want you to try to get
this guy to roll his eyes.

Be so atrocious that this guy
rolls his eyes at you.

Yeah, the last massage
I got was on my yacht

in Turks and Caicos.

We're all sitting around
and drinking some Dom Pérignon.

"I was instagramming
my watch collection."

I was a little bit more tense
than usual on the trip

because I was busy instagramming
my watch collection.

Yeah.

He's taking him serious.

And the lighting just wasn't
correct that time of day.

It was so brutal.

So it was hard
to post my watches.

"You know what they say...
You can control people

with money,
but you can't control the sun."

Murr: You know what they say...
You can control people

with money,
but you can't control the sun.

"It's my family's motto."

Joe:
"It's on my family crest."

It's my family crest,
our motto, if you will.

"You know, I have the girl."

I mean, I've got the girl.
"I've got the job."

I've got the job.
"I've got the salary."

I've got the salary.
"I've got the boat."

- I've got the boat.
- "But I still have the stress."

But I still have the stress.

I think we got a new character
for him, right?

But you still have to get him
to roll his eyes, bud.

"I'm in love
with another man's wife."

Murr: I'm in love
with another man's wife.

Her and I met in Belize.

She was radiant,
but betrothed to another.

She says, "I love you, James."

But he has more money than me.

So I bought his company.

Who's laughing now, Mildred?

He rolled his eyes!
Wow!

He rolled his eyes.

Money.

Alright, here she is.
Pull your hand out to shake it.

- Hi, I'm Brian.
- Brian?

Oh, hey, Brian.

How are you?
I'm good.

She's a crackup.
Wow.

Do you have some areas
you want some work on?

Shoulders, back.

"You can pull my hair
if you like."

I mean, you can pull my hair
if you want.

- I can do that.
- Yeah, that's fine.

I can't believe he said it.
All right.

Q, make up a body park
and say it's really ticklish.

Oh.
Hee-hee-hee.

- That's my terryfolds.
- Oh.

They're
very ticklish terryfolds.

- Oh, okay.
- Hee-hee-hee.

She's got the best laugh!
She has the best laugh.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

"You know, I always wanted
to be a masseuse."

Q: You know, I kind of, like,
always was, like, interested in,

like, being a masseuse.
Mm-hmm.

"I guess I'll have to live
bi-curiously through you."

You know, I guess I'll just live
bi-curiously through you.

You could.

Slipped that one by.

She heard vicariously, right?

She heard vicariously.
Yeah, yeah.

Oh...

Q, mumble under your breath,
"this is so gross."

Ugh, this is so gross.

Oh, I love it.
It's so gross.

Oh!
So wet and slimy, you know?

Yeah, my terryflaps and folds.

What is going on?

Ugh.
Q.

Yeah.

On the right side
of the table there,

just grab the twinkie that's
underneath it and eat it.

This is great.

This is a quickie.

This is a quickie.

Joe: "Twinkie?"

- -You want a twinkie?
- -

"you don't want to know
where I got it!"

Ow, my shoulder!

Joe: "You don't know where
I got it from."

"You don't want to know
where I got it from."

Yeah, you don't want to know
where I got it from,

but it tastes good.

Hello, I'm Julia.

Oh, hi, Julia.

I actually, yesterday,

hurt my shoulder
right here a little bit.

Mm-hmm.
It's a little tender right here.

Okay.
I'm wondering if you could
start there for me?

Okay.

Slap your right shoulder
and say, "get it."

Get it.

I'm gonna get it.

"Quick quesh...
Could you make it jiggle?"

Quick question... could you
make it jiggle back there?

Pardon me? Pardon me?

Could you make it jiggle?

Make what jiggle?

Just, you know...

Your shoulder?

- Yeah, the shoulder.
- Make it jiggle?

Yeah, like a...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know the terms.

-It was a little deep.

Sal really hurt his shoulder.

"Yeah, jiggle that, jiggle that,
jiggle that, jiggle, jiggle."

Sal:
Yeah, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle,
jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle,

jiggle, jiggle, jiggle,
jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle.

"Oh, I needed this."

Oh, Julia, I tell you,
I needed this.

"My wife is in the hospital,
and she can go at any minute."

My wife is in the hospital.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

She could have the baby
at any minute.

No!

I didn't say "have the baby."

I said, "she could go."

She could go at any minute.

Oh, she could...
Oh, she could die?

Yeah, she could die any second.

Well, she could go
at any minute.

She's in the hospital.

I needed to relax, Julia.

Yes.
"So, I'm stressed."

So, I'm stressed.

Julia:
Oh, she could die?

Expound on your wife
in the hospital.

It's been really hard on me,
her being in the hospital.

She's just in this bed
in the small room there.

"I've just been listening to how
depressed she is all the time."

I'm just been listening
all the time about how sad

she is being up there,
how depressed she is.

It's all,
"don't leave my bedside.

Don't leave my bedside."

Enough is enough.
When am I gonna de-stress?

When am I gonna get a full-body
day spa massage, you know?

When am I gonna go out to eat
with my friends

and all that stuff?

So I sneak away.

"I'm not in the hospital."

I mean, I'm not in the hospital.

I'm not in a coma.

Yeah, you know what it is?

When she dips back
into the coma, I just dip out.

Wow.

Joe:
Alright, sal, you did great.
You're almost done, buddy.

Just do us a favor and ask her
to turn off the video camera

that we planted
on the left-hand side.

Thank you.

Joe:
Alright, sal, you did great.
You're almost done, buddy.

Just do us a favor and ask her
to turn off the video camera

that we planted
on the left-hand side.

Thank you.

Joe: To your left... hard left,
hard left.

Q: Hard left.

Julia, can you...

Could you do me a favor?

- Mm-hmm.
- Can you just...

I just want to make sure
the camera

I put there is still running.

- Is it still recording?
- Yeah.

Okay, terrific.
Thank you so much.
It is, it is.

And he wins.

Get it.

Narrator:
Joe got rubbed the wrong way,

so he's first up
on the loser board.

- Oh!
- Oh, man.

We're in the doghouse now.

Our wife put us in charge
of getting a dedication

in our kids'
high school yearbook.
Oh!

And, of course, we haven't seen
this strange dedication

'cause the other guys
wrote it for us.

Ah!

Now we got to go up to someone

and get them to agree
that it's not that bad.

Otherwise, we lose.
Ohh!

It's gonna be mayhem up in
monsignor simmy high school.

All: Ahh!

♪♪

Q: Alright, murr.

Yeah.
Hey, babe.

Joe: Don't call me babe.
Could call me babe if you want.

You're kidding me.
He didn't like it?

I used my best judgment.
I thought it was great.

I thought it's very appropriate.

So far, I'm on his side
of this argument.

- Joe: Yeah.
- Well, it's already printed.

I have a copy here.

The damage is done.

I mean, if you don't like it,
I can't UN-print it.

I actually am believing
your acting right now.

I love you, too.

Chicks, man.

Can I ask your opinion on this?

- Let me show you this.
- Okay.

My kid just graduated
high school.

Uh-huh.

And she gave me
the responsibility of

putting an ad in his yearbook.
Alright.

She sees the yearbook,
she freaks out,

calls me, and loses it.

I think it's totally
appropriate and fine.

Joe: We got page 159.
Here we go.

- Q: There it is.

It says, "congratulations
to my son,"

and I put a great picture of me.

That is so likely to be
what he does to his own son.

In an alternate universe
where Murray has a child,

that's the yearbook.

My eyebrows are "on fleek,"
as they say.

I look a little bit muscular.
The shirt is a nice color.

People should see
this photo of me.

-Like...

So, it's totally fine, right?

My wife is overreacting.

- Joe: He can't believe it!

The perfect question!

No, no.
No.

Why would my wife
be in the picture?

He's my son.

No. You understand?
He's my son.

I guess maybe I could have
wrote "to our son,"

but still, she's never taken
a photo as good as this one.

You say these type of things
to your wife?

Never.
I'm not crazy.

"I should mention my son
is in this photo.

I cropped him out."

I should mention...

I should mention my son
was in this photo,

but I cropped him out.

That is a great photo.

It is a great photo.
Thank you.

I can see why she's upset.

Q: Ah! You lose!

You lose!
Good day, sir!

Good day to you.

- I will apologize to my wife.
- That's great.

- Thanks, buddy.

- Yes.
- Joe: Alright, boys, sal's up.

Yes, I have the yearbook.

Look, I wanted to...
Babe, you're my rock.

You're my world, babe.

The ad's in.
The book was printed today.

There's 1,000 copies.
There's nothing I can do.

You want me to talk
to the principal?

I'll think about it.

I will get the asparagus
on the way home.

Love you.
Bye.

Oh, my god.
You catch all that?

I'm getting a hard time
from my wife.

This guy is the perfect guy
for him!

So, I took out a booster ad
for my son.

My wife has an issue
with what I put in.

She's saying it's inappropriate.

Alright, sal, page 114
in the yearbook.

Here. Here we go.
Look.

"Nick!
I am so very proud of you!"

♪

So, I took out a booster ad
for my son.

My wife has an issue
with what I put in.

Look. "Nick!
I am so very proud of you!

As promised, I'm passing
the hound on to you."

- The hound.

"go get 'em, stud. Love, dad."

I wouldn't worry about it.

All: Oh!
He didn't even have to ask.

Because she thinks
it's inappropriate

that now the whole town knows
that Nicky boy's got

the hound and everybody
better be on the lookout

'cause he's gonna be cruising
for a now.

Bottom line... you kind of side
with me on this?

- Yeah.
- No big deal here?

Nah, I didn't think
it's a big deal.

- Alright.
- Alright.

Alright, buddy.
Found the right guy.

Found the right guy.

Good win, sal.

Murr: Alright, Joey gatts.

Hey, guys.
I got to go.

It's the missus.
Uh-oh.

Oh, hey, hon.

Yeah. Oh, no, yeah.
I got it from the office.

What's the issue?

No, you put me in charge of it.
No.

Joe, you're the only
married one.

You've had these conversations.

Make it very real.

You're right. Okay, I'll talk
to you later. Bye.

Can I get your opinion
on something real quick?

I took an ad out in the yearbook
for my kid.

My wife is having
an issue with it.

Turn to page 148, buddy.

I just want to get
a fresh perspective on it.

It says, "parents
seeking contributions

to daughter's college fund.

It's not her fault.
She's a good kid.

We messed up
and didn't plan right.

Any help would be appreciated."

Q: And a piggy bank.

Humble?
Oh, bull-head-ish.

Got you.
That's exactly what it is.

So, you know, I'm saying here
is that I messed up.

Joe, how did you mess up?

I don't want to get into
the here nor theres,

but she had a couple of...

The bets went the wrong way,
but it's not her fault.

You know, it's not her fault.
I wanted to be very clear.

No, no, no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, it's really
the over-under's fault.

It's not hers.

I took a gamble that she would
like it, you know?

Do you think I'm wrong?
This is her yearbook?

This is her yearbook, yeah.
Oh.

Joe:
Oh, that changes things.

Yeah, I don't...
You...

Uh...

Yeah, okay. Yeah.

I agree with her, maybe.

Yeah, that changes it for you?

No go, Joey, no go.

Bet you five bucks
I could chug that whole thing.

Hey, sweetheart.

Did you see it?

The yearbook ad.
Did... what do you think?

No!

I don't agree with you.
I think it's good.

I think she's gonna like it.

Okay, bye.

Excuse me. Do you mind if I ask
your opinion on something?

'Cause my wife just kind of
gave me the business...

Okay.

And I could use
a woman's perspective,

'cause I don't know.

This is a yearbook ad
that I put in.

The page is...

110.

"Congratulations, Neil.

I can't believe you're
all grown up heading off

to college,
your next-door neighbor, Tony."

That's me.

I own the pizzeria,
Tony's pizza.

Uh-huh.

Free zeppoles for single moms!"

♪♪

My wife thinks that's
a little out of line.

-It's not great?

But why?

- Oh!
- Sal: That makes more sense.

That does make more sense
when you put it that way.
Yeah.

But I just figure, single moms
have it tough,

you know what I mean?

Yeah. There's no way
I'm changing your mind on this?

No.
No, I didn't think so.

I'm just gonna end this
for all of us, then.

Alright, thank you so much.
Thank you.

Sal:
She was all business.

She said three sentences.
She said everything right.

"Yes, it's a problem.
It should have said "graduates."

No, you're not
changing my mind."

Here's your thumbs-down.

Narrator:
The book is closed on Joe.

He's tonight's big loser.

Alright, Joe's today's
big loser.
Joe's our loser!

Beautiful day in the park,

so you're gonna
sunbathe here today.

Summer's upon us.

I want you to get your rays.
Be careful, though, buddy.

The spf is everywhere,
all around us.

Make sure you use some sunblock.

Yeah, we're gonna need you
safe and sound, buddy.

We need you covered head to toe

in this sunbathing lotion
right here.

Okay.
Here's the thing though,

you can't put any on yourself.

I can't put any on?
So who puts it on?

Everybody else.
Everybody else.

Plenty of options.
Yeah.

Murr: There it is.
There it is.

My children'll watch this.

Sal:
You mean the unborn children
in your stomach right now?

You got to cover your n*pples
in zinc, just your n*pples.

'Cause I don't want somebody
to have to touch your n*pples.

That just seems wrong.
But they need to be covered.

They're super sensitive nips.
Yeah, I don't want them burned.

You busy? You busy?

"A little bit."
No, it's no big deal.

I just couldn't reach.

I was asking for a little help
with the zinc.

It's alright.
Murr: Oh, buddy.

You got to work harder
than that.

- Hi, pal. How are you?
- I'm good. How are you?

- Great.
- You're my favorite.

You guys are my favorite.
I love you guys.

Yeah. I'm just hanging out
in the park.

Get him.
Joe, get him.

Joe, we'll allow this fan
to do it for you.

- What's your name?
- Ankit.

Ankit.

Oh, they're not here.

Are you sure?
Yeah.

I'm just in the park today.
We're off today.

Can I take a picture with you?

Sure. Why don't you
get comfortable?

Yeah, take it off.
You don't wanna...

Thanks, dude. Hang out.
Yeah, hang out.

The most fun part now
is to watch

Joe's somewhat subtle approach.

Come on in.
Take a picture.

So, where you from, did you say?

I'm from India.
I work for...

Joe, get him to strip down.

You know what would be
really funny?

Pop your top off.
No.

So we're both... it'll be funny.

Go on.
Go ahead, pop it off.

Just get aggressive.
Get aggressive.

I'll help you. Come on.
I'll help you. Take it off.

It'll be great.

Yeah, there you go!

There you go.
Awesome.

Great.
Here we go.

It's crazy how he is a big fan
of the show

but believed Joe that we're not
filming here right now.

And you should put zinc
on your nose like me.

-Put some zinc on your nose.

I love you guys so much.
Great. Go ahead.
Put some on yours.

Okay?

"My wife and the kids
won't be back for a few hours."

I'm here hanging out.

My wife and kids won't be back
for a couple hours.

We never get to mess with fans
because they know the show,

so we just don't use them.

We can't use them.
This is amazing.

We're getting to screw
with fans.

I have to go to work.
Oh, you have to go?

But what a story it would be,
ankit.

You met me on my day off
when I'm not even filming,

and you met me in the park
and then we got to hang out.

- Do you have the...
- Yeah.

- No.
- Murr: Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.

You don't have the earpiece.
I don't have the earpiece, no.

That's quick.
He took it out?

He took it out.

What's right up here,
there's on the right-hand...

Alright, here we go.

You should put some
sunscreen on me.

Come on.
Put it on my back.

Sure.
There you go. Go ahead.
Get in there.

Oh, my god. He's gonna get
this fan to put...

Oh, my god.

You should put
some sunscreen on me.

Come on. Put it on my back.
Sure.

There you go. Go ahead.
Get in there.

Oh, my god. He's gonna get
this fan to put...

'cause it's even weirder
than a fan comes up to him

in the park and he makes him
rub stuff all over him.

Go ahead.
Just put it on.

Throw it on.
Throw it on the thigh.

I don't care.

Can I take a video?

You want to take...
Give me your phone.

We'll do a video of you
putting this thing on my chest.

Oh, my god.

You and sal are my favorite.

Me and sal are favorites?
Yeah.

The other two aren't as much?

Murr: There you go.
That's it.

That's the white we want.

So, we're just hanging out
in the park, me and my friend...

Ankit.
Ankit. Me and ankit.

Murr and sal never get along.

- Are they...
- Murr and sal do get along.

Q: He... get to rubbing.
Yeah.

As long as you keep applying,
I could keep talking here.

Okay.
Yeah, 'cause then we're both
getting something out of it.

Yeah, I have so much
good gossip.

Get close to the thigh.

And I'm thinking it through...

Yeah, just...

So, murr did the...

Murr: Oh, my god.

Seen each of your episodes
so many times.

And you with your big blue eyes.

- I know. My big blue eyes.

One thing was
very good as a punishment...

Q: We're going full-on
inner thigh.

Full-on inner thigh!
Centimeters from his privates!

Joe, the punishment ends
when you get an erection.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Oh, no, no, in the swimming
punishment, he couldn't get...

Yeah, the backside there.
So, he wouldn't...

So why aren't the other guys
married?

I don't know why they're
not married. Yeah, I know.

You're getting near
the packet, buddy.

They've all had, like,
long-term girls.

They never really, uh...

They never really...
Oh, his hand just...

He went on his own!
He went on his own.

He wasn't even prompted.

He's the best.

Are you sure that they aired it?

Maybe they did.
How long ago was that?

- - I think it was season...
- Look at how he's sitting!

- Look at how he's sitting!

Get enough. Got it.

Cover it up.
Um...

Can I remind the two of you
that this guy is

on his lunch break from work?

I got so mad at her that
she came and didn't tell me.

New Delhi,
I've never been to.
Sal: Joe!

I've heard things about it,
and people say it's really nice.

Maybe you could come by set
when we're filming one day,

'cause we're not filming today.
Sure, absolutely.

Status of the erection, Joey?

Soft.

Well, do you ever use
zinc oxide or no?

Do you ever use that? No.
No.

So, he doesn't think,

"my goodness, Joe looks
ridiculous right now"?

I mean, we have a lot of fans
that like to see us.

It's like...
And you guys are you.

We're us. We're us.
Yeah, we play us.

It's like...
Like, I mean, this is me.

Nobody's forcing me to do this.
I would just do this on my own.

I can tell you're very zen.

And the back of the legs,
if you can. Do you need more?

Q: Joe...

You were dieting, right?

Yeah, I've been dieting.
I lost some weight, yeah.

Sal was the grossly
overweight one.
Yeah, yeah.

Sal was the grossly
overweight one.

Yeah.

"Grossly overweight."
"Grossly"!

And then, yeah,
but we'll get your info

so that you could come down
and meet them.

Sure, I would love to.

Please, please, please,
please, please do.

Murr: Alright, guys. Let's go
say hello to our new friend.

Joe: You know, it'd probably be
easiest if you just meet them.

- Now?
- Yeah, sure.

- Hey!
- Give me a hug.

- What's going on, buddy?
- You're a good sport.

-I'm grossly overweight.

We're filming today.

-Today...

You are the best, man.
You're the best.