08x19 - Bad Carma

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, is sal
being a devil's advocate?

He looks like the grim reaper.

He looks like the grim reaper?

Narrator: Why is murr fed up
with follicles?

You know what it is?
I... I hate people with hair.

Narrator: And which losing joker
will be a parking lot predator

in tonight's punishment?

Sal: Prepare
for something amazing.

- Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr: Like a boss!

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Q: You guys are gonna
get me k*lled.

Today we're hotshot inventors
conducting a focus group

on our brand-new inventions.

The thing is, though, we don't
even know what our inventions

are because they've been created
by the other guys.

At the end of the presentation,
we'll ask people

to raise their hand
if they think it's a good idea.

Then the person or the inventor

with the least amount
of hands raised loses.

And really, that's it.

I'm tired of making jokes
at the end.

Well, just one more.

Well, you're on a comedy show...
I can't be funny.

You can't force me to be funny.
Well, we do.

I'm not just naturally funny.

Can you start being funny?

I can't.
Can you start?

None of this is funny
to anybody at home, probably.

He's right,
we should just cut it.

♪

What we are doing is we're
testing a number of products

that we are considering
bringing to market.

So, the product I'd like
to show you is right here.

This is a fun one.

This is...

You're talking about
tootie bird.

Tootie bird.

- - A whistle?
- Kind of!

- Kind of.
- Uh-huh.

Joe:
You got this behind you.

So, is this here...

Joe: Yeah, uncover that.

Okay.

So, let me explain to you
what happens.

Sal: You insert that into
the rectum so...

So passing gas is disguised
as bird noises.

- Are you like me?

Have you ever gone on
a job interview

or an important meeting
or you're on a first date,

and you accidentally...
You toot a little?

Sure.
Right, it happens.

It happens, it's embarrassing.

We've all been through it.

"Meet tootie bird."

Meet tootie bird.

This is a suppository...

It's a rectal insert

that you put inside of yourself

that changes the sound
of passing wind

into lovely bird tweets.

Sal: Her mouth is wide open.

She is in pure shock
and disgust.

It wouldn't be this size,
obviously, but this is...

No, no, that's it, murr.

Actually, it's the si...
It's this size.

Q: Her whole reality
has been altered

and she doesn't like this
new reality that she lives in.

- So, you take it... oh.

Man:
You still hear the fart, buddy.

Murr: Well...

List...

What if you're
inside a restaurant

or a bar and your date is like,

"where the
are birds coming from?"

Just bird sounds coming out
of your butt.

I think it would be more useful
if it was masking

the fart sound.

"We had an elephant roar,

but it didn't make much
of a difference."

We had an elephant roar,

but it didn't make
much of a difference,

and the trunk is much bigger.

How do you sit down?
That's what I want to know.

It's not very practical.

Some might say it's impractical.

I feel like this doesn't have
to go in the butt.

"Excuse me, sir,
where do you fart from?"

Forgive me, sir,
where do you fart from?

I fart from my butt.
Oh.

Oh, my god!

The question was just...
"where do you fart from?"

He goes, "the butt!"
"I fart from my butt!"

Like, indignant.

He indignantly answered him.

Let's take a quick vote.

By show of hands,
how many of you think

tootie bird should
be brought to market?

- No.
- No, definitely not.

- No.
- Zero hands.

That was mine.

So, I want to show you guys
a couple of products today.

Joe: All right,
let's get into it.

So, my first product is...

So, sal, this is
Mr. Nightlight.

♪

Allow me to introduce you
to Mr. Nightlight.

So, Mr. Nightlight,

it's a hooded,

six-and-a-half-foot-tall
figurine

which is a protector
of your children.

So, he would stand above the bed
or in the corner

and, you know...
Slumber, little ones.

It is motion activated.

And it... is when a baby
responds or child responds,

that's like a parent...
Slumber, little ones.

And it'll tell them to just go
back to bed, everything's fine.

So it knows that someone's in,
watching it,

it knows to go back to bed,
it lights up the room red.

So...

Thoughts?

First of all,
scared the crap out of me.

Out of you?

He looks like the grim reaper.

He looks like the grim reaper?

- What is up with all this black?
- Why all black?

The grim reaper has a sickle
and has, like, a skeleton face.

But it looks like something
that's coming to k*ll me.

So, if I'm scared, then I feel
like, you know, more color,

maybe a fluffier toy
or something,

and not sexual sounds.

- Sexual sounds?
- Like, "mmmm."

Like, why... why are we...

No, that was meant
to be soothing.

It's not soothing at all.

Oh, sure it is.

Slumber, little ones.

How is this soothing, yeah?

Like, I don't know how kids...

Why don't you make a bear,
like fluffy bear?

So, bears are predatory
and terrifying.

Not at all.
Bears?

Bears are cute, yeah.

I mean, they k*ll
hundreds of people a year.

Like, you know...

What if we put him
under the bed?

- No!
- So it's not, like...

She went, "no!"

So, you think then
we should have a...

Slumber, little ones.

Picture that from under the bed.

Could have an arm that crawls
out from under the bed, too.

We don't want to scare the kids.

Yes.

By show of hands,
how many people think

that this might
be a viable product?

Nothing!

We'll let this one slumber.

Okay, you guys ready?

Yeah.
Here we go, all right.

All right, you guys ready for
some bleeding-edge technology?

Murr:
What do you got, Joey?

Yep, here we go.

So, this guy...

Uh, you guys ready?
Here we go, all right.

All right, you guys ready for
some bleeding-edge technology?

Murr:
What do you got, Joey?

Yep, here we go.
So, this guy...

This guy's...

This is a 110k baud modem.

Whoa.

All right.
110k modem.

So, this is a 110k modem,

which is almost double speed
of 56k modem.

I don't know if you guys
have used 56k before.

- Mm-hmm.
- Is that, like, the standard?

Yeah, standard...
Standard dial-up, yeah.

In case you at home
don't realize,

56k modem was circa 1990...
The old dial-up.

So, you basically see,
you can connect a whole bunch.

So, this is basically a way
to take 56k and bring it to 110.

When I see it, I'm thinking,
"oh, no."

Bulky and, like, lots of holes.

Lot of technology, right?

It's not even really bulky

'cause I can just
put that in a corner.

They're taking this seriously
right now.

Is this an add-on,

or is this something
that would come from...

It's something you purchase
as in, like,

in a big-box electronics store.

You can pick it up
at circuit city.

So, like, I would connect this
with my cable?

Oh, no, no, no.
"Your phone line."

You would do it
through your phone line.

That's how 56k
traditionally does.

You would double...
Almost double that to 110k.

So it would just miss it.

"For instance, if you were
trying to download a jpeg..."

Let's say you're trying
to download a picture

of, uh,
I don't know, let's say...

"Elizabeth Hurley and Hugh Grant
on the red carpet."

Elizabeth Hurley and Hugh Grant

on the red carpet.

You know, 56k, it takes eight,
nine minutes with that.

So, with this, you're gonna...
You're gonna boost it.

Boost it, yeah.
It'll be three, four...

Three, four minutes,
four or five minutes, yeah.

It's basically double, so...

"Or, let's say..."

Or, let's say,
to go even further...

"you're excited about

Pierce brosnan's debut
as James Bond."

You're excited about...

You're excited about
Pierce brosnan's

debut as James Bond.

Boom, you can watch the trailer
for "goldeneye"

in 10 minutes or less.

It's a two-minute trailer.

If I play video games or...

That will, like,
help the wires or whatever?

Yeah, I mean, if you're gonna
play video games,

video games take a lot of k's.

Yeah, that's why I asked, yeah.

Yeah.
"Pong."

Pong, you can play.
You know, you can play "pong,"

but if you're talking
about, like, a current...

Like a ps4 or an Xbox,
you're kidding yourself.

Um, let's take a quick vote.
What do you guys think?

So, by a show of hands,
who thinks this is a product

that we should bring to market?

There we go, three.
Oh, four.

Got four.
Oh! Oh, my god.

Come on.

This'll be available
in stores in 1994.

Okay, well, my name's
Brian Quinn.

These are prototypes
we're gonna present to you,

and here's the first one.

Murr:
What do you got, q?

Geez, they really wrapped
this up good for me.

All right.

That looks scarier
than my night light.

The artificial intelligence
teller machine.

This is the artificial
intelligence teller machine.

It's an atm that looks
like a banker, okay?

So, what we got here is a,
you know...

Technology's scary to people.

We want to put a human face
on the atm.

Murr:
That's a human face?

We come to Alan... boom.

Sal: "And it goes right in his
mouth, if you were wondering."

And then, in case
you're wondering,

you slide that right
in his mouth.

Right on in.
So, you're like, "here you go."

Is there a reason
he has detached retinas?

There we go.

Okay, there we go.

You need that money.
Where's that come out?

Try the pockets.
Where's the money come out of?

Try the pockets.

Make it rain.
So, there you go.

I mean, look, man, this is the
future of banking right here...

Alan.
What do you guys think?

Let me get some feedback.

In terms of advice...

He's right to be speechless.

Why have the reader
in his mouth?

I think it'd be cool if he had
the reader in his hand.

Oh, I see what you're saying.

Yeah, like, that... that would
literally feel more personal

because there's an element
of touch.

Right.
Yeah.

But here's the thing about that.

The thing that I don't
like about atms the most...

- You touch it.
- Is the germs!

- Yeah.
- This, it's like...

Joe: Oh, good reversal!

- Boom!
- That's a little creeps.

That's creepy?

It's just weird in the mouth.

And isn't he supposed to talk
from the mouth?

Like, then the card's
just chilling there.

Yeah, so this isn't
a very consistent universe.

Now they're just arguing
the merits of it,

not that it's ridiculous.

He's crossed over.
He might get a hand raise.

We think that this makes
atms social, fun again.

I mean, I would never use this.

In New York, that's creepy.

Oh, really?

Well, okay, well, let me
ask you guys a question.

Just show of hands if you guys
think that you would use Alan.

- It's a zero.
- All right, Alan.

Later, bud.

Narrator: Ah, finally!

Looks like murr, sal, and q
are first up on the loser board.

Today we are the superheroes
of union square

rescuing people in the park.

We'll approach two people
engaged in conversation

and ask
if one of them needs help.

But the weird reason
they need help

will be given to us
by the other guys.

If you can't say
the weird reason, you lose.

Superhero pose, boys.

♪

Joe: Here we go.

Right behind these bushes
where we filmed sal's

pick up dog poop punishment
right here.

It's all started here, guys.
We're back.

Season one.

The other side of these bushes.

History took a sh*t.

All right, Sally.
Gentleman with the beard.

Gentleman with the long beard.

Sure.

Why do I feel like
I'm looking at my future?

Future?

Hey, guys, is everything okay?

What?
Is everything okay?

Yeah.
Oh, good, good, good.

Right on, okay.
Just making sure.

I didn't know if you, you know,

wanted me to ask him to leave
or anything like that.

He has had.

You know what it is?
The reason I say...

"I've never seen one person
so visibly bored with another."

The reason I mentioned even...

The reason where
I'm even coming from

is I never saw someone

so physically bored
with another person.

Joe: Look at him smiling!

So, everyone's all
good here then?

No.
No.

Just, hey, try and be
a little more entertaining.

I'll try.
All right.

Well done, sal. Well done.
Well played.

Cheers, fellas.
Murr: What a great sport.

Murr: Joe, this woman
looks bothered.

She might be in trouble.
You should help out.

Everything's ok...
Everything's okay?

Yeah.
He's not bothering you?

No.

You want me to ask him to leave?

"This mother got drool
pouring out of his ears."

This guy... 'cause he's got...

But this mother got drool
pouring out of his ears.

Where are you from?

Paris.

"This French mother got
drool pouring out of his ears."

♪

This French mother right here,

drool coming out of the ears.

♪

Joe, just say hello to strangers

and then bad mouth them
when they walk away.

How's it going, man?
Good to see you.

"I hate that mother."

I hate that mother
I hate that guy.

That guy, he's got drool pouring
out of his ears, that guy.

Piece of sh...
Terrible.

"Piece of sh..."
Hey, what's up, man?

Good to see you.
How you doing, baby?

You all right?
Good.

Oh, god, I hate that mother

oh, Joe, turn to your right.

Hey, what's up, you mother

hey, mother what's going on?

This mother right here is crazy.

These mother your friends?

Yeah, my friends from Paris.

Hey, what's up mother
how you doing?

I'm just in the park,
mothering around

in the park all day.
It's great.

It's great.
Hot today.

Yeah.
As a b*stard.

Murr: All right, q, you see
the guy with the dog?

Q: Yeah, cute dog.

Ask him if he wants
the dog to leave.

I don't like
when Murray giggles.

I know.

Joe: Everything
should be fine, buddy.

You got this.
Oh, what a dog.

Hey, pal, hey.

Oh, boy, come here.
Is everything okay here?

The dog's not bothering you?

"'Cause I, uh... I saw him dry
humping a lady two blocks over."

'Cause...

'cause I think
I saw him dry humping

another dog two blocks over,

so you're dealing with
a pervert on your hands here.

You don't want me to ask him
to leave or anything?

All right, sweet.

"'Cause I'm on the market
for a good dry hump."

Oh!

♪

Cute dog.

Very cute dog.

Oh, so cute.

That's a fail, bud.

You guys ready?

Oh, yeah, I'm ready.

My mic has never been
more ready to tell you to say

something than in this moment.

Geez, I'm gonna get my a*s
handed to me right now.

He's excited.

It's dangerous when q
gets excited about it.

I'm sorry to interrupt, guys.
Yeah.

Do you want to ask him
to leave, because...

"I mean, he looks like a legit
weirdo, right?"

I'm sorry to interrupt, guys.
Yeah.

Do you want to ask him
to leave, because...

"I mean, he looks like a legit
weirdo, right?"

Did you want to ask him
to leave,

'cause he looks like
a legit weirdo,

and I don't know if you were
feeling weird about it,

in which case
I'll ask him to leave.

Right?
It's not just me, right?

I'm just wondering. No?
Ask him to leave?

You don't think... okay.

Not a legit weirdo to you?

"I guess there's only one weirdo
in this situation."

I guess in this situation,
there's only

one weirdo, isn't it?

Q: "I hate people with hair."

You know what it is?
I... I hate people with hair.

Got away with it.

Q: That was good, bud.

Narrator:
Things aren't okay for q.

He's tonight's big loser.

All right!
All right!

Q is our loser.
No.

Now, q, do you know
what people don't like?

When they come out of a place

and someone
is touching their car.

You know what they like
even less?

When someone's leaving a note
on their car.

You know what they like
even less?

Is when we print
that note for you.

"Your car sucks"?

This is the level of nonsense?

It gets way better.

You guys.

Murr: Q doesn't know what
any of the notes say.

We wrote every single page
for him.

We're gonna tell him
which page number to leave.

Mm-hmm.

I don't like when I'm in
confrontational situations.

Sal: Well, you picked
the wrong line of work.

Murr: There you go, q.

This car just pulled up.

Q, leave the 22nd note
on this woman's car.

Don't look at the note.

I'm not looking at the notes.

Just the page number.

Here we go.
Go, q, go!

Joe: She's walking out.

Sal: Now she sees you.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Now she sees you.

Oh, hey.

I was just, uh,
dropping you a quick note.

You left a note that says,
"you cut me off,

so I placed
a single booger on your car.

We're even."

"You cut me off, so I
placed a booger..."

Yeah, on your car.
Thanks.

We're even now.

I wouldn't use this handle
is all I'm saying.

Okay?
I got ya.

You know, just drive, you know,
a little more considerately

and I won't have to...

I got ya.

Tony gunk, booger police.

Okay.
Thank you.

Wow.
Not bad.

Wow, what a nice lady.

Oh, here we go.

18... number 18, number 18.

Joe: Put it right
in the windshield, buddy.

Oh, hey, just putting a note
on the cars.

Yeah, just... just putting
a note on your car, that's all.

Okay.
Yeah, just, you know.

The note says, "you parked too
close to the lines, as*h*le."

The parking situa...
'cause this guy parked

so close to the lines over here,
you know, so...

And I noticed your frustration
with the parking situation.

So I'm just... I'm now
policing the parking lot.

Thank you.
No, you're welcome.

"Thank you"!
"Thank you."

How is this going all okay?

I know, how are you
not getting pummeled?

So, guys, is the punishment
for me to make new friends

in a parking lot today?

Here we go, buddy.

Q, page 21.

Go put that on his car.

♪

- Here he comes.
- Wow, that was quick.

He's coming out.
Ready, go, q, go.

Yeah!

Oh, hey, how's it going, man?

Oh, I was just, uh...
Dropped a little note.

Here's what the note says, q.

"I noticed you at the light.

I can send you a full butt pic
to see if you're game.

Hit me up,"
and your phone number.

♪

Not... so, not game?

Not game.

♪

- Not game.
- Oh, that was amazing.

He doesn't want a full butt pic?

Q, note number 16,
the last white car.

Joe: See her.
Here she comes.

Okay.
Here we go, q.

Here we go.
Oh, hey.

Hi, how you doing?
Oh, good, good.

Sorry, just putting a note
on your...

Leaving you a little note.
All right, cool.

Yes.
Thank you.

Murr: The note reads,
"I hit your car lady.

Like, you probably won't notice,

but I got to do
the right thing,"

and it says your phone number.

♪

Hey, she's pulling out
without reading it.

What's that?

I don't even think
you'll notice it.

I was walking by it and I kind
of stumbled,

and I just, like,
went "oh" and I just...

Didn't hit it with my car.
Didn't say that.

I-I knocked into it
and I just hit it

and I didn't even think
you'd notice, but I don't...

I was taught never to hit
a person's car

and not write a note and do it.
Okay, I appreciate it.

I know you probably thought
I was hitting on you.

I'm not.
No, no, it's...

Although I would, I would.
Don't get me wrong.

I appreciate it.
Thank you.

Bye now.

Phew.
Whoa!

He got away on a technicality.

How does this episode end
if everybody's super cool?

Well, I have an idea.
Come down here for a second.

Oh.

Joe: Look at him now!
Where'd that confidence go?

How does this episode end
if everybody's super cool?

Well, I have an idea.
Come down here for a second.

Oh.

Joe: Enough with the notes.

Time to fill her up.

Go get caught.

This is not what we said
in the intro.

This is not...
Where did you even get this?

Go siphon some gas.

People in Jersey
are too friendly.

We got to stoke this.

Siphon gas from every car
in the parking lot.

This isn't the punishment
though.

It is now.

Oh, god.

I... okay.

Oh, yeah.

You know, you got
to up the game.

That's the problem,
you were too good at it.

Q, you know the unique thing
about a pickup truck

is the gas cap opens.

- It's not locked.
- Yeah.

Open that up, buddy.

Oh, my... I hate
touching people's cars.

You guys are gonna
get me k*lled.

- Here we go, q.
- Here we go.

Oh...

Joe: Oh! It's on.

What's that?

No, no, no.
It's not what it looks like.

Is this your truck?
Yeah.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

Come on, buddy.
Hightail it.

All right.

It's just that this is the one
with the open.

Well, I wasn't actually
stealing the gas.

What are you doing?

I was about to steal the gas.

I guess we just find ourselves
in one of those funny

human interactions, huh?

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

All right.

Say, uh, have you ever heard
of the TV show

"impractical jokers"?

Oh, my god!

Look right there.

And right there, right there.

♪

Murr: Here we go, buddy,
your first victim.

Joe: There she is.
Page 1.

Page 1's great.
- Page 1.

There's Dan cast...
Weird guy in hat.

Oh, yeah, q, this guy
just pulled in.

All right.
Oh, boy.

Dan cast, get out
of the parking lot.

He's walking around
in every shot.

Same outfit every day.

Q, page 21.

Oh, weird guy in hat number one
coming through.

Get out of the shot.

Can we please make in
the credits of this episode

"weird guy in hat number one"

Dan cast credited?

Whoo!

♪ Dan cast ♪

♪ what's his name? ♪

♪ Dan cast ♪

♪ first a.D. ♪

♪ Oh, look at that a*s ♪