09x06 - Smashing Success

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, why is murr
getting snippy?

You did this yourself, hopper!

Narrator: Will Joe unleash
the fury?

Put them in a ziploc bag!

Narrator: And which losing joker
will drop the hammer

in tonight's punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr: Like a boss!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Murr: They won't let us use
swords no more.

Today we're working
as office managers

looking to hire
a new security guard.

While showing them around,
we're going to bring them

through some weird rooms
and strange happenings

that have been set up by
the other guys.

The goal is to get them
to accept a security job

despite all
the ridiculous things

that are going to happen
during the tour.

If the candidate
turns this job down,

you lose.

The name of this show could be
"strange happenings."

- Here we go.
- How are you?

Are you here for a temp job?
Yeah.

I'm James Murray.
Very nice to meet you.

Thanks for the help.
So, you know,

I'll give you the lay land
where our offices are located.

One of the ground rules...
- "There's no hot soup in there."

Is that there is
no hot soup in this office.

Wave your hand around your face
for obvious reasons.

You know, for obvious reasons.

I'll show you around
a little bit,

murr, "this is an employee perk.

Come and have a look."

One of the employee perks
is in here.

Woman: Alone
in the castle and took them

clean away!

Joe: Sit down
for story time, murr.

Woman: "The the king..."

"boom, boom, boom, boom!"

Murr, be into the story.

"And then he heard
a very big roar!"

Look at him, look at him,
look at him!

"And the kingdom was safe."

All right, that's enough of
that, let's go.

"The kitty cat came in...
Now..."

So if you want to join,
it's up to you.

She's there eight hours a day.

The office
where you'll be sitting...

Speed-walk to the office,
murr, speed-walk.

The office you'll be sitting.
I think it's right over here.

Hopper, how are you?
I'm Owen.

He's one of our producers.

Now just fire hopper
in front of him

because he's... he's replacing.

Uh... one thing.

You're fired, Owen's taking
your place, if you could.

What for?

This is about the copier paper.

Joe: Hopper, say, "sure,"
and point out

that you have
long hair and he doesn't.

What else would me firing you
be about?

I think it has to do with
something with the hair.

- This is great.
- "Before you go,

I'm going to need to keep
that hair."

Before you go, though,
I'm going to need to

keep that hair.

Hopper, say fine and sit down.

- Fine.
- Murr, there's scissors

in front
of hopper's desk right there.

Just cut off his ponytail
at the ponytail.

What are you doing?!
Cut his hair off!

He's really gonna
cut hopper's hair?

Yeah, I've been working on this
joke for a year and a half.

Can I do that?
Yeah, go 'head.

I...

No!

I want you understand,
I don't feel right doing this!

I don't feel right
watching this.

- You can do this.
- You heard it, Owen.

Oh, it's my favorite hair,
don't do it!

Oh, gosh, I hate... oh, god.

You... you did this
to yourself, hopper!

You did it to yourself!

Not hopper's beautiful hair!

You did this
to yourself, hopper.

Not hopper's beautiful hair!

Look at the kid!

Oh, hopper, you grew it so long!

- Ugh...
- Now you can leave.

You're fired.

Take your sh*t and get out.

Murr, start holding his hair
on your scalp like it...

Like it's... like it's a toupee.

What's that?

So anyways, copier, phones,
you hit 9 to get out.

- This is embarrassing!
- Email...

"So, do you want the job?"

So what do you think, Owen,
do you want the job?

Great, great, great.

I'm going to take off now.

I have to go update
my tinder profile.

Wow.

♪♪

- All right, Joey!
- Hey, man!

- Hey, how's it going?
- What's your name?

-Kyle.
-Kyle? Joe.
Good to see you, buddy.

"Loved you in
'blood sport'."

I loved you in
"blood sport."

- Yeah.
- Yeah! You get that...

Were you?!

So I'll walk you through
the layout real quick.

It's not... it's not super hard.

Joe, I want you to keep
forgetting the names

of very simple things

and just forgetting
until he guesses.

Once you come through these...

Once you come through the, uh...

Doors, that's right.

You come through the doors,
this here...

- Keep forgetting words.
- And the only other thing

you have to watch, the only
other access is, uh...

This thing
that goes up and down.

Okay, got you.

What is it?
What goes up and down?

This thing, it's escaping me.
What's...

Elevator! Thank you, thank you.
Just the elevator.

And then in case
there's an emergency,

don't take that, you take
the thing... the, uh...

Stairs.
Yes, stairs, that's right.

This is a room that they use,
that there's a sperm bank.

What's the actual company?
What do they do?

Well, the company's interesting,
they get into everything...

"mostly sperm."

I don't know how to really say
it any other way.

They get their hands
in everything, mostly sperm.

So this is the bank part of it.
Yeah.

Ask him if he topped off today.

Feel free... I mean, they offer
services too

if you didn't top off today.
Okay.

I know a lot of guys jump in.

Okay, this lounge
is normally closed.

You got to unlock the room,
bro, show him what's in there.

We got the keys here for it.

Joe, start misusing words now,

like you're trying
to get this vehicle open.

I'm just trying
get this vehicle unlocked.

I apologize, I can't find
the right balloon

for the refrigerator.

Okay, so great,
I'm going to open this up.

Let him into the it department.

So this is the it department
and just every hour

you're just going to... right,
you're going to come in...

This is the guy who's going to
be working with us today.

This is keene.
He's runs the it department,

he's boarded up
and chained to the desk.

And he's just... we just make
sure he stays in here.

Joe, give him some water
from the hallway, buddy!

And then we just fill
this up for him.

Here you go.

It's important for him
to stay hydrated,

so make sure you give them
some of the, uh...

Joe, ask him how the firewall is

and then, keene, say the fed's
still trying to get in.

Yeah.
How's the firewall?

The feds,
they're still trying to get in.

Okay, all right.

Uh, let's see, what else?

"They won't let us
use swords no more."

Swords are out, they don't want
to use swords in here anymore.

They used to have... because
it was a fencing club.

- Oh, okay.
- "Speaking of swords,

did I show you the sperm bank?"

Speaking of swords,
did I show you the sperm bank?

Yeah, you showed me.
I showed you that.

I forget.
- Did you top off today?

I forgot if you
topped off today.

No, I'm good.
Good. Okay, great.

"You want the job?"
What do you think.

You like the job, you alright?

All right, good.

All right, I'll be in my office.

I'm gonna go top off.

Just gonna top off.

Toppin' off!

Oh, oh, oh, here we go.

Hi, sir, are you...

Buzz!
My name is sal.

Buzz.
Buzz, it's buzz.

I'm going to show you around.

So basically
what they're looking for

is a security guard sal...

Take him through all the steps
to stop an intruder.

I doubt you'll see
a single thing.

But if someone comes in
inebriated,

if force is necessary,

you're just going to hit on top
and a chop...

Chop in the bottom,
something like that;

you'd probably just detain
them, just throw them down.

"But incapacitate,
don't k*ll."

But incapacitate them,
don't k*ll them.

Sal, point out the plaque
on the wall...

You see that plaque on the wall
next to the door?

Ah, so, um...

This is one of my
best friends ever, Sam.

- Aka Dan cast.
- Murr: Dan cast!

He hired me, he passed last
year, he choked.

Yeah. So we just keep it up here
because he's our buddy.

But anyway, so you'll have
your own office,

there's WiFi.

Not usually.

Here, this is a break room.

If you want
to take a break, you...

Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt.

Y-You have access to this
if you want.

That's okay.
Okay.

So this is where
you'll be staying today.

Come on in.

Hey, sal, remember that ham
and cheese I put in your pocket?

Take a bite.
- You get a lunch break.

Uh... i eat on the fly, but...

Was that in your pocket, sal?

I had nowhere to put it.

His face is amazing!

In case you need a pager,
they'll give you a pager.

All right, sal, here comes
Dan cast, just ignore him.

I guarantee you right now,
no matter who you...

Who your cell phone carrier
is right now,

you do not have service in here.

It's just a dead zone
completely.

So, let me see, i'm...

That's the ghost of Sam givens.

And this is the scope of what
you'll be doing rounds on.

Sal, bring it in.
Have a seat.

Bring it in for second.

If you have any questions,
just let me know.

Here he goes, here's Sam givens.

Here's another trick
that no one knows...

If you like to
wet your beak a bit,

sometimes people forget change
in the vending machine.

Don't laugh, Dan cast!
Don't you laugh, Dan cast!

Sal: And if you want to go in
there and check it out

because the vending machine
is broken.

So if you put like
four quarters...

Joe: Just stand there, Dan.

Yeah, just stand... oh!

Dan...

Dan, slowly turn around.

Slowly.

Joe: And just walk
straight back.

Murr: Slowly walk back.

Sal: And you can enter it
and take the money.

- Stop.
- Dan, don't pay
attention to him!

You're a ghost.

You don't... you don't have to
pay for the...

"who?"
"who?"

Who?

She's Megan.
I saw Megan.

Yeah.
Who's the guy walking around

with no expression on his face?

Murr: Sal, you don't know
what he's talking about.

I... I... maybe I...
Point him out.

I mean...

And that's it, I mean,
that's really basically it.

"So you're good
to take the job?"

Do you want to take the job here
or do you...

Pulled that out!
I thought buzz had your number.

That's how you do it, boys.

Joe: Here we go, here we go!

Hey, how's it going, man?
Brian.

- Julian.
- Julian, all right.

Nice to meet you, man.

Great. Welcome.

Okay, now walk him into
that office.

So this is the office.

Sal: "Are Polish jokes funny
or not funny?"

"What if Tina Turner was
Polish," right?

I think it would be funnier.

Murr: Is that sal teaching
Polish jokes?

You know the one
about the Polish fire drill,

we covered Polish recipes.

Hi, guys.
Sorry, I was just showing Julian

the office and stuff.
Please, go about your business.

Now, we talked about this
at length the last time.

Joe: Look at the guy's face!

"Polack," is it okay to say
anymore? We don't know.

He's saying "polack," what's
gonna happen here?

Come on.

So, yeah.
So over here, uh...

Q, explain the "every man
for himself"

emergency evacuation plan.

So, um, good thing about this
is if there's a fire

or any sort of emergency thing,

you just take care of yourself.
You get right out.

"Everybody's been trained."

Everybody's
been trained to do the same.

No one's coming to save you.

It's 2021,
everyone wanted to be equal.

You get yourself out of a fire.

Q, you heard something
down the hall.

Did you hear like a...
Like a... like a wheel?

No.
The janitor's...

You hate them.
g*dd*mn janitors that work here?

- Yeah.
- They're the worst.

I don't know what it is
about them, okay?

But it's me versus them.
All right?

"It's us versus them."
Well, now it's us versus them.

I hate them janitors
in this place.

Joe: Swing up on your
right hand side,

you'll see the obscenities wall.

This is the obscenities wall.

This is how you vent if you
if you're angry,

or something upset...
This is why it it's here.

So, um...
"No dicks."

What's that?
"No dicks."

Yeah.
That's the number one rule.

Yeah. See? That's a rule
breaker, right there.

Q, get the guy
to write a curse word.

I want you to, uh...
Take a shot.

- Take a shot.
- Take a shot. Yeah, yeah.

What about.

This guy is hired!

Nice.

I like to write janitor.

And that'll piss them off.

Q, on that table is a coffee mug

to take a sip and just
throw the mug on the ground.

Oh, I hate those guys, you'll
know when you see them,

they... they're...
They're like...

What is that?
Oh, it's just water.

It's just my water.
Oh.

Yeah.

♪♪

You know who's got
to clean that up?

The janitor.

Hey, q, head to
the room down the hall.

Man:
Everything must go, quick!

They said they're going to
get here in three minutes,

get rid of everything,
get rid of everything

that can link us!
- Hey, guys?

Is everything alright in here?
Yeah, we're... we're fine.

Print faster! Quick!

Yell at Stella to eat the paper.

Eat the paper!
Eat it!

He's eating the paper.

The feds are coming in
through the firewall!

The feds are coming
in through the firewall!

All right, apparently,
this is an active crime scene.

Firewall!

Okay, we're gonna go, guys.
Good luck.

Basically what I've shown you

is the most fun place
ever to work.

So I can only imagine
that you're going to

take this job.
Dude, yeah, hell yeah.

Sal: Did we make it too fun?!

Narrator: Put out a wanted ad,
all positions are open

on the loser board.

Today, Joe and sal are playing
eccentric artists,

living in this gorgeous house
with this stunning balcony.

Beneath this stunning balcony
will be workers

that we've hired to assist
the artist.

The catch is,
these absurd characters have

been created by the other guys.
The goal is to do

and say whatever you're told
while in character.

If you refuse, you lose.

Why us two?
Why anything?

♪♪

Sal: So, these guys are here
and they're working on a project

for the artist in this house.

- Both: Joe is the artist.
- This is the character.

Oh, there he is.

Oh, my god.
He's Johnny from "karate kid."

The hair is amazing.

You straight up look like
cobra Kai!

I just hit myself with this!

He tapped his own ba*ls!

Joe, start incorrectly quoting
cobra Kai.

Sweep the foot!

Put 'em in a ziploc bag!

"Wax on, jerk off."

Wax on...

Jack off.

♪♪

- Wow!
- Whoa!

Joe! He's got some
sick moves.

He's been working out.

Joe, let it fly over the balcony
and have 'em throw it up to you.

Oh.

Little help?
- Yep.

Sorry, a little help, guys.

I didn't realize
you were still here.

- No, you're good.
- Thanks.

Nice to meet you, man.
- Nice to meet you, too.

I'm the artist in residence.

I don't know if you heard...
Oh, great throw, thank you.

Sal: Joe's natural athleticism
kicked in there.

"Keep your eyes open,
I hid a baby out there."

Okay, just keep an eye out,
though, I hid a baby out there.

Joe, walk the balcony
with a gong,

like in a ceremonial way.

"Hadouken!"

Hadouken.

Sal: He's cracking up!
They're cracking up!

Hadouken.

"You guys got
girlfriends?"

You guys got girlfriends?

Yes, actually, I went
on my first date last night.

"Ooh! Hadouken!"

Oh, hadouken!

It was a great date.

"Did you finish her?"

Did you finish her?

"I wish you guys
were dating my daughter."

How old, uh...
How old are you guys?

I'm 20, he's 25.

20, 25? Yeah?
Yeah.

I wish you guys
would date my daughter.

I don't think I've ever heard
of a dad ever say that.

No, the guy...
The guy she's with now,

I'm not a big fan of.
- Have an honest conversation

with them in the middle
of all the training.

Did you guys hit traffic
on the way here?

- Oh, well...
- It was only 45 minutes.

Forty five?!

Did you guys carpool?

We should we should have!
We should we should have!

Carpool power elbow!
You should've carpooled.

Yah! Phew!

That was a good leg kick.
Thanks.

Yeah, I've been doing it since
I'm 20.

You started doing karate at 20,

but you didn't hadouken till 30.

Started when I was 20...

My first hadouken wasn't
until I was 30.

"I've had dozens of hadoukens
by this point."

I've had dozens
of hadoukens since.

"Hadoukens"!

Just show 'em
your moves now, Joe.

None of you guys have ever
practiced martial arts?

I haven't.

Well, you know, this...
This is a move.

This place looks really cool.

Like on the...
I'm not done with the moves.

I'm not doing the moves.

Side chop, vertical chop...
That's a move.

Under chop.
- "Under chop"?

"Pork chop."
- Pork chop.

Applesauce!

Hadouken!

All right, here we go.

Joe: Okay, here comes sal.

Sal: This is ridiculous,
what you put me in.

Oh, there he is!

You look good in
a floppy hat, man!

And he's in a wrestling t-shirt,
by the way.

I know what you want from me.

That's it!

Sally dearest, get out there.

Sal, just yell,
"acknowledge me!"

- Hello? Acknowledge me.
- Hi there.

Hello. How are you?
Thank you for your help.

"It's hard to get good help
these days."

It's hard to get
good help these days.

"So many people steal."

So many people come and steal.

- Joe: "Or worse..."
- Or worse...

- "They're ugly."
- They're ugly.

"I've got a query!"

Query, ladies, query!
- Yes?

- I have a query.
- Do you ladies know how to

get sand out of body holes?

Sal!

Does anyone know how to get sand
out of body holes?

Murr: She just repeated it!

Sal, charge out and just go,
"purple and pony tail,

does anybody want
100 stuffed peppers?"

Query! Purple and pony tail,

does anyone want
100 stuffed peppers?

Yes! Please!
That would be lovely!

I'll speak with someone... have
the sort of day you deserve!

Eduardo!
Prepare the peppers, please.

Eduardo,
downstairs with peppers.

"I used the summer in macaroon
with Andy warhol."

Raise your hand if you summered
in macaroon with Andy warhol.

-Really?
Yes.

Working on a biography now.

"My grandmother gave handies
on the Titanic

to earn her passage!"

My grandmother gave handies
on the Titanic

to earn her passage!

"The ship wasn't is the only
thing that went down!"

The ship wasn't the only thing
that went down.

Ooh! Chapter six!

This is so dumb!

"I once took Truman capote,
as a lover."

"I was 16,
it was frowned upon."

Joe: Yes!

I will not!
I will not.

Sal, we just checked
the scoreboard,

you lost the episode.

Okay?
- Don't... don't... don't...

What do you going to do?

All have to do is go downstairs

and destroy
what they've been working on.

Oh!
Oh! Oh!

They've been here...
They've been here for an hour!

Oh, my god!

- Oh!
- Sal: Oh, god. I can't...

Check the scoreboard again.

We did it.

I only got one thing to say:

Duh-Nuh-Nuh-Nuh!

I mean, what are
you waiting for?

It's a punishment, get in there!

Murr: Why are you stallin', bud?

Query! Query!

"What color
are you painting that?"

Dolls, what color are you
painting?

Uh...
The stain is clear.

"Clear? You see, my hand
has been forced!"

Clear, you say, yes?
Yes.

It's definitely clear.

You've forced my hand.

What's that?

- Storm out.
- Go inside,

we're gonna do one more
touch up,

and then you're going to
go downstairs

and just break the things.

Here it goes.

- Hello.
- There he is.

I'm so sorry, but...

The mascara on him!

It's not what I need.

Please back away,
please back away.

Woman: Okay, we will.

Sal: You guys have to let me go,
this isn't fair.

- Oh, come on.
- The punishment's just started.

Start smashing.

Aah!

Murr: Oh, no!

You forced me to do this.

"I'm beside myself
with emotion!"

I'm beside myself with emotion!

"Clear!"

A clear coat?! What am I,
some sort of b*stard?!

Keep going.
Oh, my god.

Murr: You're not done yet.
That's just one.

Back away, you sauce pots!

Joe: Keep going!

How dare thee, I say!
How dare thee?!

I once bedded Truman capote!

I also don't like this at sal!

What has my career become?!

Season g*dd*mn nine!

I... I've had enough!

- Wow!
- Well done, gentlemen!

Well done!

The peppers will be right out.

Sal, stop!
Turn around.

Everyone at home,
screen-shot that!

That's the real punishment!

- Thanks, buddy!
- Post that!

That's gonna be on t-shirts
around the world!