05x04 - I’m the Man of the Year!

[bunniefuu]

Previously on The Kardashians...

We all wanna congratulate
Kourtney and Travis.

We cannot wait to meet Baby Rocky.

Oh... announced the name.

I don't think you were
supposed to say... Baby!

Tonight is the premiere
of American Horror Story.

You were really, really
good. They called me and were like,

"Do you think Kim would
wanna do her own show?"

So, last year, I made
a commitment to myself

that I was gonna slow down.

I was [bleep] lying to myself.

Is there any, like, hope for Tristan

- or is that just, like...
- No. No.

Everyone has been really judgy
about how I spend my time

because I'm not dating.

I'm a [bleep] control freak.

Tonight is Kim's birthday party.

Kim better not be 12 hours late today.

Last year, she was
definitely over an hour.

Khloé is unbearable these days.

I'm not in the mood to deal.

She needs to get out and live her life.

Kimberly! Happy birthday, babe.

♪ Hey, hey, what's the deal ♪

♪ I say spin the wheel ♪

Hi, babe.
Hi!

Aw, hello!

Sorry if I stink.

No, you don't stink at all.

No, I came from my workout.

Well, that's just downstairs, boo.

I'm so much happier at home,
if you guys can't tell.

I don't feel like,
"God, I gotta be out there."

I do not have FOMO.

I feel great about what I did last night,
which was nothing.

Where's Tatum? Is he asleep?

No, he just went to the park.

I need my baby fix.

Oh, my gosh.

So, I've been working on a project,

and I need your input and your support.

- Okay. Obviously.
- I wanna have another baby.

- With who?
- We don't know.

- What?
- We don't know.

So, are we looking for a man?

- No.
- Oh, okay.

I just think I might have to go
to the sperm bank, ya know?

Okay.

Oh.

A sperm bank, okay.
Well... I'll try anything once.

I mean, let's-let's-let's
see what this is about.

I have embryos if you want one.

I mean, that's not
a terrible idea, actually.

They're not.
They're really cute.

I bet... I mean,
you make great babies.

- But could you imagine?
- Oh, that would be super weird.

- But okay, so we wanna have another baby?
- I mean, no... Well...

Yeah.

Malika has a beautiful
three-and-a-half-year-old son named Ace.

She's never wanted an only child.

She's always wanted
to have siblings for him.

Obviously, her situation is different.
She's not with the father of her son.

And respectfully,
there's just no prospects.

I don't wanna be, like,


I'm like, "I fought for this body."

- Mm-hmm.
- But if I'm gonna carry, like,

it has to happen almost now
'cause I'm not a spring chicken,

- you know, but...

...if I was gonna use a surrogate,
then I have time.

Why don't we just ask Rob
to give you some sperm?

- I mean...
- He's a good catch.

- Excuse me, we like to keep this

- in the family.
- Oh, my God.

Would you like to donate?

You guys have already slept together.

[over phone] Hello?
- Hi, baby.

Hey.
- Um, I'm with Malika.

Hey.
Hey!

Hey, Rob.
Hey.

Real serious question, though.
Like, Bible serious.

Malika wants to have another kid.

Hey.
- Hey.

And she was gonna go
to a sperm bank to get sperm,

- but I just said why not get it from you?
I can't [bleep] anymore.

- What?
- Is it broke?

Rob, just... You don't have to...
You just put it in a cup.

I can't [bleep] anymore.

What, are you tired from last night?

But what does that
have to do for the sperm?

I just said I can't [bleep] anymore.

Okay.

What, what don't you get?

Okay, well, we have time
to prepare her womb,

so we could prepare your p*nis.

So, we could... You just simmer
on this conversation, okay?

I just told you
I can't [bleep] anymore.

Okay. I love you.
This is weirder than I thought.

I love you guys.

- Okay, love you too. Bye.
- Love you more.

My brother is just, like...

He's just disgusting
and we can't ever just talk normal.

But... I don't think there's a problem.

I do wanna ask you,
if you can, whenever,

I can make an appointment
when you can go with me.

- Mm-hmm.
- Like, it's the sperm bank part

that I just am like...
I have a head thing about it.

And what is your fears
about the sperm bank?

I guess it's... maybe
my disappointment with not

doing it the way
I th-thought I would do it,

like, being married
and all those things.

You don't fantasize about,
as little girls.

You're not like,
"Oh, one day I wanna go to a sperm bank

and have another child."

Like, these aren't things
that... you think about as a kid.

But for women, the older you get,
time is ticking, and blah, blah, blah,

so... women put
the pressure on themselves.

I really can't believe I'm gonna do it.

- Step by step.
- I can just make you my baby daddy.

- Oh, my God. Yes.

♪ Step on the scene,
now I'm causin' havoc ♪

♪ Lookin' so good, gotta have it ♪

♪ Watch me go like ♪

Everyone in my family's so busy,
so when they stop by, it is nice.

And Khloé has taken me
to a couple doctor's appointments.

So, like, she's been
really supportive and helpful.

There we go.

Okay.

Just hold it up.

Yay!

Oh. Kourtney, get over yourself.

- Do you like this?
- Is that Kimberly Noel?

- Do you recognize?
From the Met?

When you feel like a couch,

- you might as well dress like one.
- Oh, my God. You, l... You need help?

Yeah, we just took photos
for a... my Halloween costume.

- Oh, that's cute!

This dress is actually really pretty.

'Ello, babes.

Least you don't have
to wear a prosthetic bump.

I don't.

I called Kim the other day
and I was like,

"How funny would it be
if I did your dress?"

And she's like,
"Oh, my God, I'm sending it over."

It was here within,
like, literally an hour.

- What?
- Yeah.

Do you know that for Halloween,

Kourtney is wearing my Met ball dress
that looks like the couch?

- Stop.
- Yeah.

- Brilliant.
- But should she post it

and say, "Freaky Friday"?

What if people don't think it's...

Like, they don't understand
the Freaky Friday

and they think she's calling...

- Well, they wouldn't 'cause it's you.

No, they're not
gonna say a "freak".

They would...
I think they would get it.

Are you posting it today?

[over phone] Yeah.
- Yeah. I think they would totally get it.

I'm so excited.

Cute!

So, my caption's
just gonna be, "Freaky Friday."

Like, they swapped.

- You get it?
- Wow.

If you had to "Freaky Friday"

one of your family members,
who would you...?

I would have to say Kendall Jenner
because why the [bleep] not?

I'm gonna be a supermodel
going around town.

I could hook up with this per...

Not that Kendall does that,
but I would be doin' that.

Hookin' up with every [bleep] person,
drunk as a skunk.

No kids, no [bleep] responsi...

She has responsibilities,
but, like, you know what I mean.

Like, I don't have to wake up for carpool.

I don't have to make
someone's [bleep] lunch.

I am a [bleep] supermodel
with my Doberman

and a
tequila bottle for breakfast.

I would do it every day.

Leave that man wherever I just
him last. Like, yeah.

Like, she definitely doesn't
do any of those things.

That's why she's wasting her life.

You're wasting it, Kendall.
Let me be you for a second.

So, what if you have
your baby on Halloween?

Are you against that
or you're, like, thrilled?

No, I want whatever...

Uh, okay, stop with your bullshit answer.

- Like, your PC answer.
- No, I want that.

- Be serious.
- I'm serious. Of...

Who wouldn't want Halloween?
It's my... one of my favorite holidays.

Ugh, I would die.

No. Ugh. Skeletons, spiders, orange,
you're scaring me, a knife, an ax?

No, no, no.
I want nothing to do with Halloween.

It's ridiculous.

You would love it if you r-rolled
in there in your costume

and the doctor is wearing
a pumpkin costume?

- Yes.
- And they're like, "Spread 'em, baby!"

What a fun experience.

Okay.

You want me to be giving birth
and my vag*na's, like, ripped open

while there's the doctor
dressed up as, like, Peter Pan?

No.

I would actually be upset
if people didn't have costumes,

and now, I'm actually gonna get
some sort of ears to have ready.

Wow, you're a better girl than I.

We knew that.

I am ready to get this dress off, though,
if you wanna help me. Ooh.

Of course, darling.

Okay.

- Relief.

Do you need help
once you're in there?

No, I'm just gonna...
See? I can barely walk.

Khloé, did you like being pregnant?

Listen, it's hard.

My a*s was bigger
than my [bleep] stomach.

Look at this photo.

Like, which one's the pregnant belly?
Which side?

I could do this and you wouldn't know.

You look so pretty.

Should we do a check-in?

Are you feeling light and happy
or are you feeling dark and heavy?

- Which one?
- Rawr.

I mean, I always try
to be on the lighter side.

Who the [bleep] wants
to be dark and heavy?

Sometimes you can be.
Let's not...

- Let's not...

Sometimes you can be too, babe.

Are you having sex?

I am not,
but thank you for your

- hard-hitting questions.
- I wouldn't think so, to be honest.

Like, if it happens, it happens.
I'm not...

I don't know.

I don't want this to be mean,
but, like, having Tristan, like,

off and, like, working,
like, I feel so...

good that, like, he's in Cleveland
and he's out doing...

Like, I just feel like,

"Okay, like, there's a separation

- and it's good."
- Yeah, I just said that to Travis

the other day.
I was like,

"I feel like now that Tristan is gone,

that maybe Khloé
could be, like, free to..."

- Yeah, just...
- Just even, like, go out and have fun.

- Just anything.
Yeah.

I love Kourt for being
that concerned about me,

but I'm very content, I'm happy.

I feel like I'm [bleep] thriving
in my own little circle and world,

but, like, just even to think about
someone being in my space

or I have to share my TV
with them or my bed,

I'm like, "No."

No means no
and that's all you gotta know.

I'm just finding my rhythm
again in life, I guess.

I am really tired
and my birthday was exhausting.

My mom always tells me to slow down.

Hello.
Where in the world are ya?

Oh, you're just sitting
in your living room?

Chilling?

And then, on the other hand, she's like,
"Um, okay, so I got this deal for you.

You have to do it.
I'm booking you for it."

It's like, "I just wanna sleep in."

I gotta get back to my natural energy.

With some feather boots on.
You are fancy.

So, how was the meeting?

- How did it go?
- It was so good.

Ryan Murphy came over to pitch
Kim and I an idea about a new show.

So, here's the idea.

So, Kim is the world's best,
most expensive divorce lawyer.

- Oh.
And she has her own firm.

I have some experience.

The network liked it so much

that they decided to just
jump into another project together.

Ya know, like they say,
"while the iron is hot".

We pitched it and there
was a whole boardroom

and they were so excited.

And I got in the car and I got
a text in two seconds from the network

that said, "We can't wait
to work with you and Ryan."

This is perfect for you.

It really is.

It's just... I really have to, like,
wrap my head around this.

- Like, we're doing this.
- But he knows that. He is so...

I just really have to map it all out
'cause it all has to, like...

- Line up.
- It'll be interesting just how

I figure this all out.

Another chapter for you.

- Mm-hmm.
- Like, a whole new career.

If I think about just what
I have going on in the next week,

I did a collab with SKIMS and Swarovski,

and we're doing the whole
store opening in New York.

SKIMS Men's is launching.

I'm sh**ting a GQ cover,
I'm launching a nipple bra.

But somehow, I'm gonna
squeeze in a whole new TV project.

How was your birthday with the kids?

I thought my birthday,
I'd have a f... a day to myself.

I was stuck doing everything
that everyone else wanted to do.

I was stuck watching YouTube
unboxing videos on my birthday.

I had a FIFA tournament,
Color Me Mine.

You should see
the ugly thing I made.

Like, this is not what I wanted
to be doing on my birth...

I need to sit my kids down
and be like, "This isn't Mother's Day.

"Like, this is my day.

"Do you think a mom wants
to go to Color Me Mine

- one more time on her birthday?"

Whose birthday is it?

- No, I was tortured.
- I would,

- I would die.
- Just make me breakfast.

- That's a great birthday.
- Yeah.

What would your
perfect birthday have been?

To lock my door,
not get out of my bed,

and eat cookies and cream
ice cream all day long.

That's what would've been my dream.

But no.
No one cares about my dreams.

Not four kids, at least.

I think that we've all, as moms,
been through some days

where we don't wanna be
doing what we're doing,

but we do it for our kids,
so... come on, Kim.

Suck it up,
and do a little Color Me Mine.

Having four is hard.

It's, like, a madhouse.

Your house is a circus
because you have a lot.

And you have a lot going on.

I'm gonna get my sh*t together
and I'm gonna be a [bleep] drill sergeant.

Like, Khloé is so tough.

Well, have you talked to her about this?

- No, because she's just very judgmental.
- 'Cause she...

Oh.

She's very judgmental...

- Yeah.
- ...if things aren't perfection.

I'd say I'm, like,
half of a Khloé parenter

and half of a Kourtney parenter.

Kourtney's like, "It's all love.
Do what you want," you know?

But then I also get Khloé
and I-I get that order,

but it's difficult for me
to be a really strict parent.

You're gonna have to create
some boundaries for everybody else,

including me, including your friends,
including some business associates.

Being a mom,
being a working mom, it's really hard.

I know Kim

and I know how
she thrives on her workload,

but we all still need
a little bit of balance.

You just need to create
a world for yourself

where less people have access to you.

And everyone else can [bleep] off.

Mm-hmm.

Perfection, as always.
You bring nothing less.

Look up.

Oh, my God.
Kim is in a good mood today, guys.

I'm either in a good mood or I'm like,

"[bleep] that hoe

- and everyone's a [bleep] idiot."
- It's never towards us, but she just...

I think today's sh**t will be cool.

I'm sh**ting the GQ Man of the Year cover.

- Hey.
Hi.

Good morning.

- How are you?

Can I show you an idea for a picture

- and see what you think?
Yeah, of course.

'Cause this... Obviously, we're playing
with all this tailoring and menswear

- and there's this iconic Demi...
- Yeah.

- God, I love that. Love that.
- ...sh**t.

Well, I'm so glad
that I have a little bit of clout here,

being GQ's Man of the Year

'cause at home, like, I've turned
into the embarrassing mom,

the cringey mom.

Do you think I'm a cool mom
or am I a cringey mom?

Cringe.
I'm a cringe mom?

Are you the new North?
North says I'm so cringe.

- Do I look like the GQ Man of the Year?
- Probably.

♪ Look at me ♪

♪ Hey ♪

My kids, they say "gyat"
and "gyat" means a big butt.

I got it off TikTok,

and it was, like,
made you feel so old

when you don't know what,
like, the slang words are.

♪ I'll make a splash ♪

♪ I'll mix it up ♪

♪ I'm feelin' bad ♪

♪ I'm feelin' young ♪

So, I was like,
"Guys, we're late. We've 'gyat' to go."

- And they were like...

"Mom, you're so embarrassing!"

♪ Mirror, mirror on the wall ♪

I just told the story how I'd said,
"You've 'gyat' to go."

Why am I so cringey?
Why am I so annoying?

[over phone] First, you're so
cringey 'cause you're saying those words.

Gyat damn.

- Oh, she hung up on me.

Next stop, I'm heading
to New York to my Swarovski collab

and it's gonna be amazing.

♪ I think I'll try it on ♪

Are you excited?
Are you nervous? What's happening?

I'm... nervous
'cause I know that this is crazy.

Yeah, but this is not...
You're not deciding anything.

- No, I know, but still.
- We're gonna just see how we feel

once we gather information.

Today is the day that Malika and I
are going to a sperm bank

to get educated on
the whole sperm bank idea.

Okay.
Where is the sperm bank?

I don't know why I thought
this was a parking spot.

Clearly I've never driven before.

Okay, if I pass out while we're in here...

Shortest skirt
in the world, but I got this.

Yeah, she wanted to wear a
black and white striped cardigan

to come here.
I said, "Come on, Beetlejuice.

"You've gotta spruce it up a little bit.

Ya never know what sperm
you're gonna run into."

Hi, how are you?

Good.
Welcome to California Cryobank.

Sh... We're here for Malika.

Feel free to ask us any questions.

- We'll follow you.
- Yeah. Excellent.

Oh, and we could play ping-pong
and talk about sperm.

Yes. Ping pong, sperm.

You guys are gonna
get some couture to wear

while we head into the lab.

Thank you.
- Is something gonna splash on us?

- Nope.
- Okay.

- Just makin' sure. I was like...

- You're very safe.
- I was like, "That's a little gross."

I actually respect a lab coat.

I would like cleanliness
protection at a sperm bank.

These are
the tanks with donor sperm.

That's what the...
how the sperm donors are labeled.

That's a lot of donor.

You just lift the lid,
you're like, "Hey! Ya in there?"

It's small. I thought these freezers
were, like, ginormous size.

Sperm isn't that big, I guess.

- Where would you like us to sit?
- I think the two of you here,

- so you can see the computer...
- Nice.

...so you'll have a chance
to look at some donors, too.

Oh. Yeah!
Oh, my God.

I would imagine people
are going for your physical attributes

and I don't know if that's
the right way to go about it.

This is one of the most personal choices
you may ever make, right?

And so, you gotta see
what jumps out at you.

These donors are either,
uh, platinum or silver.

So, the platinum donors,

you would be the only person
that has access to those...

to that donor's vials.

I think we start there.

- Okay.
- We're, we're learning.

Thank you so much.

- Let's do 5'8" and taller? Okay.
- No. Yeah, that's, like...

Even six. Let's get rid
of 6'3" and whatever.

Oh.

- Oh, that's a cute baby.
- Okay, let's look at him. He's 6'2".

You better talk about it.

African American, French Canadian,
German, and Polish.

He was really cute as a baby.

We can see the donor's photos

from infancy to, like, two years old.

But I don't give a [bleep] what you
looked like when you were born.


guidance counselor.

Huh, it's a lotta Canadians.

Canadian and British people.

- Yeah.
- I love British. And Canadians are nice.

He's a bowler?
Hm. It's a no for me.

"Has a heart of gold."

How the [bleep] do they know that?
'Cause I could say anything.

I could say I'm [bleep] Simone Biles.

I think that this is such
an amazing place for so many people

and, like, how cool
that we have this option,

but do I think we can try a couple
different avenues before this stop? Yes.

- How did it all go?
- It's still weird for me.

Most people we speak to,
this isn't plan A,

and it might not even be plan B,
and so, we are very sensitive to that.

But it also means that you're
not alone in those feelings.

It's a stressful process.

And so, it is okay
to take your time with it.

- I know you have your timeline, but like...
- Yeah. Ugh, now I'm gonna cry.

- Why?
It's okay to take...

- Why are you crying?
- ...your time and do what's right

for you and your family
when you're ready.

I know Malika's freaking out.

She's super emo
and she is internally sobbing.

She is thinking about, like, every
wrong thing she's ever done in her life.

I know who she is.
She cries at [bleep] bank commercials.

So, this isn't goin'
good for her inside. I know.

I'm thankful to have the education,
but, like, I feel overwhelmed.

I mean,
nothing's final until, like, it is.

I'm totally certain that
I'm going to have another baby.

I'm just not all that clear about

- how I'm gonna get there. Yeah.
- You get there.

And I think you're
doing the smart thing

by getting all the information you can

and then you make
your decision what's best for you.

I mean, I went a nontraditional
route, as well, to get my son

and I really think that
if Malika or anyone

has their hopes on having a family...

then, you know, people have to do what
they have to do to get the end result.

Well, thank you.

- You're so welcome.
- You've been so helpful.

I do feel educated
and that was the real point.

I think it's a great thing
that this exists to have as an option.

And I'm not totally ruling it out,

but all that I learned
kinda made me go like, "God,

I gotta, like, act like I like someone
and just have a baby with him."

Think my whole tush is out,
but that's fine.

- Thank you, guys.
Bye.

And I need a drink.
Can we go get a drink?

- Well, at your house. That's fine too.
- Sure. Yeah.

I know that's where
you wanna go anyway.

I'm like, "Ah, we're going
to see real people?"

♪ Move ♪

I had all these pumpkins, like, set up.

They're so cute.

We're at Travis's now.

Because Travis and I have
really been taking our time with...

figuring out where it makes sense
for us to live together,

because the kids are all
so comfortable in their spaces,

but it feels like we've kinda
figured out a plan for now.

So, we're gonna move into his house,
which is a block away,

and then redo my house
at the same time...

so that we can all be together,

living together under
one roof with the baby.

Oh, this is so cute!

Look at the dining room.

And then you should carve
at least one of 'em.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. You did this?

Like, I had it all, like, set up,

so when he got back it was, like...
felt like Halloween

'cause he was missing...
two weeks of it on tour.

Everything that needs
to be over at Travis's is there.

And we just had
the baby's closet built out,

so that he has...
a cute, little closet.

And yeah, I'm just excited to organize
and put away all of his clothes.

Wait, you have a drum set
where the baby sleeps?

- Yep.
- This is not normal, Kourtney.

He's gonna get used to some drums.

How can you play drums
if the crib is right there?

He was getting ready for tour.

- He has to practice.
- In the bedroom?

You have a huge house
and you're practicing next to the bed?

Okay.
This is the stuff that I have to put away

- 'cause now this is...
This isn't normal.

- ...crazy.
- It's not normal.

None of this goes here
without baskets, you know?

Oh.

Totally hormones.
She's ready to pop.

So, he doesn't
have that many clothes.

This is a real vintage shirt
from Pirates of the Caribbean.

Stop.
- Isn't that so cute?

The baby is gonna fill up...

- And this I didn't finish.
- ...this whole thing.

We have to get a cover
on that and then where's...

Do you...
Should we get another table?

I used to always say to my mom,

when she would harass me... about,

"You don't have this done yet
and this isn't put together."

And I would say,
"People had babies in caves

"without a diaper,
without a wipe, without a pacifier,

without anything,
and they were all okay."

What if your water broke,
like, right now?

Well, let's not say that
'cause I am not ready.

Oh.
Well, after we're done.

Well, no, my husband's
on a plane coming home.

Oh, okay...
Okay, then when he lands.

No, I need to, like, have sex.

What?

This is how you talk to your mother?

This is TMI,
and I don't need to know this.

Not... I'm looking at her
and thinking...

Ya know, the visual,
it's just... No, no, no.

Just keep it to yourself.

This is wild.

Okay, so we have one...
- That sex is taking a priority

to a birth?

Yeah, 'cause then you can't
have sex for six weeks after.

Who's going with
you when you have the baby?

- Just Travis.
Not your mom?

- Nope.
No sisters?

Nope.
Unless I feel super stressed out

and I call Khloé or something,

but because I had
a high-risk pregnancy,

I need to feel good and stay calm,

so the unplanned plan
is that I just want it... to just be us.

Today is our three-year anniversary

of the first time that
we were ever together.

- So, this is your sex anniversary?
- And our...

- And then a year later, we got engaged.
- Your sex-aversary?

We got engaged
one year later on the same date.

Oh, I know.
I was there.

Just to be clear,
I was there when they got engaged.

Not... the other thing.

Wait, so I got the coolest gift for...

our... anniversary today.

- And it's coming...
- You give gifts for the annual

- sex-aversary?
- It's also our engagement.

It was, like, you have,
like, one life on this planet

and I feel like we like to be, like,

- havin' extra reasons to be, like...
Celebrate.

Yeah. Do I just put this
in here for now?

So, what'd you get as a gift?

The movie that we watched,
you know, the first time...

- Uh-huh.
- ...was True Romance,

and it's his favorite movie.

And so, I found the wedding rings.

[laughs] Stop.
Their actual wedding rings

from the movie.

- The actual rings they used in the movie?
- Yeah.

Who... What prop company
would save those?

Look, this is a "Lovey" blanket.

Oh, that's cute.

Mickey and Minnie
have to be together.

Did you see there was, like,
a viral thing on the internet

that they broke up?

- Minnie and Mickey?
- Yeah.

It was, like, after, like,


they broke up.

- Well, like I said...
- This little tag can come off.

...don't believe everything
ya hear on the internet.

Minnie and Mickey got together
and decided it was a good idea.

I don't know what happened.
Blame it on the mouse.

Yes!

Feels so heavy when I walk,

and the doctor told me
he's not even down, like, super low.

When's the actual due date?

November 7th.

Can you believe it's
so close to your birthday?

That probably means you were conceived
on Valentine's Day like I was.

- Like he was.
- Oh, that's interesting.

Yeah, that's why they say
Scorpios are really sexual.

- Maybe it's 'cause they were...
- I'm a love child.

- ...conceived on Valentine's Day.
- For sure. I know for sure now.

♪ Oo wah, oo wah ♪

♪ Oo wah, oo wah, oo wah ♪

Kenny? Hi!
Hey.

Hey!
Just getting dressed.

Do you need a brush
for your hair or anything?

You know what, Mom?
Like she's five.

[bleep] off.
Can I brush your hair, Kendall?

What are you trying to say?

Kelsey, do y...
do you think she should

brush the back of her hair?

Mom! Leave me alone!
- She looks like a rugrat.

We are at my old
high school, Sierra Canyon,

and today is their Mental Health Day.

So, they invited me to come speak
and answer some questions,

so I'm really happy to be here.

I have a brush
in my bag right here.

No, I don't need a brush!

- This is my vibe.
- Oh, that's a vibe?

Wait, is that a vibe these days?
Messy hair?

In high school,
who was the best student of all your kids?

Oh, I'm not gonna say that.
No, no, no.

Who got into the most trouble?

Khloé.
Sorry, Khloé.

I even took myself
out of real high school

and enrolled myself in homeschool
and forged my parents' names

and then told them after the fact.

Who was the best behaved?

Kendall.

[over mic] Will you all
join me in welcoming Kendall Jenner?

- Come on up.

Who talked back the most?

Kourtney.

And Kim?
Perfect.

She was?
Okay.

We're so thankful
given that you are an alum

and you also tend to your own wellness

and are very open about it to the public.

I'm so honored.

I love nostalgia,

so I love going back to my old school

and seeing the campus
and how it's evolved.

But on top of all of that,
I think that a really fun part of this

is just being able to talk
to the current students

and give my word of advice on how
I've dealt with my mental health journey.

So, I love it
and I'm, I'm honored to be a part of it.

When you attended Sierra Canyon,
you openly shared about struggling with

self-image and insecurities
that high school brings.

Can you share some strategies that
kinda help you manage social media?

I take breaks a lot.

I love to delete
the Instagram app outta my phone

or, especially TikTok or Twitter.

Maybe, like, the first day
is a little bit of a shock

'cause you're going through your phone
and you're kinda naturally

looking for that app,
but it feels so incredible

after the first day or two

and going at least a couple days
or a week without it

is one of the most liberating
and amazing feelings.

It's actually just so good for your brain

to turn it off for a little while
and, um, be in the real world

and realize that a lotta
the things you see on there

are just not legit, not real.

And that the only things
that matter around you

are the people around you
and your environment, so...

I think, right now,
for kids in high school,

I think with social media, especially,

we can all fall into, like,
negative patterns on the internet

and, ya know, see things
that we don't really care to see

that might bring us down,
so I like to just remove myself, um,

so I find it very healthy.
I like doing it.

Do you think
you could share a personal moment

when you felt like
addressing your mental health

positively impacted your career?

What was interesting, I think,

when I started to open up about

I guess my, my mental health
publicly was I didn't...

I was doing it out of genuine, like,
"This is kinda how I feel."

And I always had
this weird thing about like,

"How much do I wanna share?"
I'm-I'm a relatively more private person.

Something just kinda
came over me one day.

I kinda started sharing things

and the positive thing
that I saw come out of it

was making other people feel less alone.

It, it was well-received
in a way that wasn't about me.

It was about everybody else feeling like,

"Oh, wow, this makes me
feel a little bit less alone

or a little bit better
about what I'm dealing with."

That was really nice.

I think it's really special
that Kendall can revisit her high school

to share her message about how she feels
and deals with anxiety and mental health

and all these things that were
so taboo to talk about back in the day.

And I was so proud of her.

Good luck,
and know that you're all so gorgeous

and so deserving
of all love and beautiful things.

♪ Honestly, it's easy when you ♪

♪ Just wake up glowin' like diamonds ♪

Guys, we have to be
in the car in 10 minutes.

So excited for the Swarovski event.

So, SKIMS is doing
a collab with Swarovski.

- I think the SKIMS girl will really love

having fun crystal pieces.

I know I always loved it.

Yeah, I went to the Swarovski store
and I got this amazing purse.

I love Swarovski.
They're really cool.

So, I-I love the Swarovski store.

I love what they've been doing
and I think it would be really cool

to partner with the crystals with clothing

and to make some
really cool pieces out of crystals.

So, I'm just super excited about this.

One fun fact, every time
I put on jewelry, I blow dry it

'cause I can't stand
putting on something freezing.

So, look at my outfit.
It's, like, all crystals.

So, we have to blow dry
the whole thing, so it goes on warm.

I used to be freezing in bed
and put a blow dryer, like, in my bed

and just turn it on low and...

That's why this room is boiling right now.

Hey, can one of you,
can you just stand behind me?

- Just wanna, like...
That was good.

No one ever tried to sit in this skirt.

- It's not the most comfy.
Looks so good.

Hi.

Can I order KFC, please?

KFC?

Can I?
- You know what?

We're gonna have to take
one sugary thing out of your day.

I barely ate something sugary today.

With Saint, there's always a negotiation.

"Please, please, please, Mom.
Can I just have one more chocolate

"and then I promise
I'll do my homework in an hour?

Please, please, please, Mom."

A biscuit and some honey?

No, um, like, two biscuits

and then, like, two chicken wings.

This is the biggest
negotiator you've ever met.

Doesn't take "no" for an answer.

So, let's do that.
You can have a soda with your KFC.

- Go wild tonight.
Okay, thanks.

- I love you. Have fun at KFC.
Love you.

- Oh.

- Do I get a kiss?

A lollipop kiss, that's the best!

Oh, my God.
They look great. Wow.

I always had everything bedazzled.

Like, my phone was, my Sidekick pager.

To think of having a clothing line
with, like, the best crystal bedazzles.

Bedazzled taxis, like,
the whole rollout is so fun and amazing.

- This is an event.
My God, Kim. The line.

They're lined up in the streets!

I'm definitely nervous
because I just wanna make sure that

our collabs were unexpected, iconic.

And I just hope people like it.

Oh, my God,
it looks so good.

Everybody's taking so many pictures.

- You look amazing!
- No, you look amazing!

The store looks insane.
Do you love it?

My God, I can't...

- Like, I'm, like, taking it in.
- Oh, my God. You look amazing!

- And thank you.
- It looks so good, right?

I'm really excited that everyone's coming
out to celebrate and try something new.

I'm so excited about it.

And there's such great praise
and people really love the collection.

It's just, like, it'll never get old.

Swarovski is so perfect
because it's glitzy and glam

and I think because SKIMS
is so, like, a sporty, simple feel,

- this really amps it up.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And just gives that glamour girl...

- The glamour.
- Totally.

I mean, I am on cloud nine.
This night has been amazing.

But I'm honestly just really looking
forward to getting home to my kids

'cause they're at home
waiting to shame me

for being the most embarrassing mom.

♪ Yeah! ♪

- ♪ Juicy thing like Tang ♪
- ♪ Like Tang ♪

♪ Bang ♪

Ooh, honey?
Hell [bleep] yeah!

These aren't my n*pples,
just so you guys know. They're Kim's.

Her new nipple bra.

Yeah.
Kim's n*pples on my body.

Hi!
- Hi!

- Just sitting here eating.
- You're so cute. As you should.

I'm about to join you.

Is this the Kim nipple bra?

Yeah, they're not my n*pples.
- Yes!

Some days are hard,
but these n*pples are harder.

- And unlike the icebergs...

these aren't going anywhere.

But Kim is such a b*tch.

I was like, "If I get
my boobs done, I like this size."

She was like,
"That is too big for you."

- Really? I disagree.
- I'm, like, this is, like...

Coming from double D
door knockers is telling me

what's too big for me?
Please.

So, Malika and I, both have decided

that the sperm bank
isn't the right fit for Malika.

So, we are inviting
my mom and Scott over today

really to see if they
know of anyone that

either Malika should be
put on a date with,

or that someone just wants
to donate some sperm.

Hi!

Hi, guys.
Both of you.

- Hi.
- Wow, Mom. You look fantastic!

- Thank you. You look fantastic!
- How cute are you.

Hi.

So, what's shakin' otherwise?

So...

who has a little bit
of sperm laying around?

I'll [bleep] right now.
- What?

I don't.

Do you know anyone that has sperm

they want to possibly give to someone

with no questions asked?

Malika?

For Malika.
- It's me.

What?
- Oh, I've always wanted to bang ya.

- Let's do it.

She doesn't wanna have sex with you.

I don't wanna have sex with anyone.

- But, what...
- I just want the baby.

We went to a sperm bank.
First of all, you guys...

- You went to a sperm bank?
- We went to a sperm bank.

What is a sperm bank?

People just go in there and [bleep]?

- Like, what's it like?
- No. So, we thought...

Like, it's always a place
I sort of, like, wanted to see.

- We thought it was...
- You wanted to see a [bleep] clinic?

Scott, focus!

- I'm focused.
A sperm bank.

It's like this white,
medicinal office space.

It's a spank bank.

- Where?
- Shut the [bleep] up.

- Do you have the new nipple bra on?
- Of course, I have the new nipple bra on.

- I was gonna say, those things look good.

It's the only time
you don't tell me to shut up.

I have Kim's...
- It's the c... My compliments.

Anything else,
"Scott, shut up. Shut the [bleep] up.

Shut the... Your [bleep] look..."
"What'd ya say?"

I, [groans] I just... I should have,
you know, read the room.

This is a wrong room to wear this in.

I know what it must feel like
to want a sibling for your baby

because I always had that feeling
deep down in my heart and my soul.

And that's why I had six kids.

Ya know?
I mean, when I w...

I had a baby at 23
and then tw...

Yeah, every couple years
I had a baby for a while

and then I got married
and had two more.

So, that was always very im...
My passion was my...

And she was desperate
for Kendall and Kylie.

- Yeah.
- She... You tried so many times.

- Yeah... yeah.
- And she had so many miscarriages.

So, I think I understand the desire.

I had Kendall when I was 40

and I really wanted Kendall
to have a sibling

that was closer in age to her.

So, I had Kylie when I was 41
and it wasn't easy.

I got terrible gestational diabetes
when I was pregnant with Kylie.

And with Kendall, I remember having
a miscarriage right before,

so I was nervous the whole time.

I get Malika's desire to have another baby

and have a sibling for Ace,
who's also my godson.

So, I love him madly.

I really think whatever she decides

is gonna be the right decision for her.

Find some friends with benefits.

Find a friend with sperm.

- I would be pregnant right now if I could.
Oh, yeah.

- I just can't.
You know you can.

- You know your uterus doesn't age.
Your uterus works.

So, you're good if you wanna carry

- her baby.
- You could carry for me.

- You can be my surrogate.
No, it's okay.

- It's a...
- Wait... is that the nipple bra?

- I just said that, Kris.
- Oh, I just...

I mean, you can't stop looking.

I mean...
- I knew I shouldn't have worn this bra.

- ...I look no matter what.
Um, so I think we need a list.

Yeah.
- And then we need a turkey baster.

- Turkey baster?
- You know.

I totally get what you
would do with a turkey baster.

This was maybe
the wrong group to talk to about this.

Holidays are around the corner.

You're gonna be at holiday parties,
you're gonna be a social butterfly.

- Go spread your wings and, hopefully...
Spread your [bleep].

Scott.

He's a sicko!

Just sayin'.
- Sick, sick,

- sick.
- You want pregnancy? Bend over.

Oh, my goodness.

Next on The Kardashians...

I am now the brand ambassador
for Balenciaga.

I'm hoping that it's not gonna add
so much 'cause I have so much going on.

Khloé didn't come?

Khloé, last minute, did not come.

People have been talking
about my looks since I was 13.

It just gets exhausting.

I hear nasty things
about myself all the time.

Like, I've never cried about this before,
but I guess it does affect me.

You haven't gone around to movie studios

and pitched a movie.

After American Horror Story,

all these different people wanted to meet.

- What's the project?
- I sold a movie to Netflix.

Do you think Rocky's
gonna be a drummer?

I don't know...
His dad will be a drummer.

- This is where the baby's gonna go.
Mm-hmm.

Rocky's little area.

About to break that water.

- It's time, baby.
- Oh, my gosh. I'm so shaky.

Okay, guys. It's go time.

Push. Push.

I am so [bleep] hungover today, guys.

I had espresso martinis last night.
It was just one of those nights.

It was just, like, a thing.
Oh, is that for me?

It's got b...
- It says "recover".

- Mm.

Not bad.

Cute. We can, we can make that...

Chug, chug, chug.
Yeah!