01x10 - Never Cry Pig

[bunniefuu]

♪ Once upon a time in Toontown ♪

♪ There was a cat that had it all ♪

♪ Fortune and fame, top of the game ♪

♪ Up until he hit the wall ♪

♪ Now he makes a livin' downtown ♪

♪ Walkin' on a brand new beat ♪

♪ Slippin' through the new day
Trippin' on a two-way ♪

♪ Ticket down a one-way street
Beep beep beep ♪

♪ Who's that cat ♪

[siren]

♪ Crackin' up crime? ♪

♪ Stoppin' the clock ♪

[clock ticking]

♪ Hope he gets here on time ♪

[old car horn]

-♪ Let's go-- ♪
-♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Yeah! Totally nuts ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ No ifs, ands or but buts ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ Someone's stealin' the show ♪

♪ Can't stay, I gotta go, go! Oh, no! ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ Things gettin' outta control ♪

♪ Now you're caught in a trap
Ready to snap ♪

♪ Snappin' the cap
And you're takin' the rap ♪

♪ But ya can't hold back
That wacky attack ♪

♪ That's why you're still a star ♪

-♪ 'Cause you're-- ♪
-♪ Bonkers ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Wherever you-- wherever you--
Wherever you-- ♪

♪ Wherever you are ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

You know, Lucky, I'm gettin' so I can tell
a crook just by lookin' at him.

Take this unsavory example.

Look at those shifty little eyes,
that twisted smile, those crooked toofers.

Hey, that's a picture of my mother!

Whoops. Sorry. I didn't recognize her
without the mustache.

[Bonkers] Well, heh heh, back to work.

♪ Back to type type typing ♪

♪ On my type-type- typewriter ♪

[exclaims]

[typewriter growling]

Believe me, Bonkers, you need years
of experience, like I have,

to tell the good guys from the bad guys.

You know when it's good news
knockin' at your door,

or just plain trouble.

-[knock on door]
-Greetings.

We're three good guys
with lots of trouble.

I'm Hokey Pig and these are my
brothers, Knuckles and Chops.

-Nice meeting you.
-Uh, hi.

Our racket-- uh, game, is real estate.

We build and sell fine homes.

Only we have a problem. A wolf problem.

And we need your help.

Oh, this is sounding all too familiar.
Three little pigs, big bad wolf, hello!

[Bonkers crashes]

No, we're not those guys.
We're the three big pigs.

-Yeah, but we do have a mean old wolf
-[Bonkers whining]

blowing down homes, in our latest
subdivision, Porkwood.

Right. And I suppose you want us
to throw him in the slammer?

Bingo! That's it, baby! You are brilliant!

Don't worry. We'll find that
mean ol' wolf in no time.

Why, we'll comb the entire city.

[typewriter growling]

[typewriter growling]

By the way, how mean is this wolf?

Real mean.

On second thought,
this guy might be tough to find.

In fact, it might take forever
to find him--

-Oh, no, no, no, it won't.
-[typewriter crashes]

Well, let's check our local guide
to the wolves of Hollywood here.

Huh. Well, that was convenient.

At 9:43 every Tuesday morning,

you can find the mean old wolf,
at the doughnut stand

on the corner of Magnolia and Lankershim
reading the paper and eating a danish.

-Hmm, too bad you can't be more specific.
-[typewriter crying]

It's the southeast corner.
See you. Gotta go. Bye.

Hmm, sounds like we have a case.
Let's go, partner!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't just go
pick up this wolf without any proof.

Hey, slam your eyeballs
against this, baby.

We have proof. Take a look here.

The wolf blowing down a house.

Let me see that.

[inhales deeply]

[Lucky and Bonkers gasping]

[Bonkers giggling]

[siren wailing]

[car approaching]

You look a little nervous, Bonkers.

You're not afraid of that wolf, are ya?

Me? Afraid? Ha!

I'll make that mangy old' bully

wish he'd never huffed
and puffed in his life.

[titters nervously]

He is kinda big, though. [gulp]

[chewing doughnuts]

Um, excuse me.

Mr. Wolf?

Are you talkin' to me?

[stuttering] May be.

[stuttering] Are-- are you the
big old m-m-mean old wolf

with the big arms and the muscles
and the b-b-big teeth?

Hey, you're not very big!

That's right. I'm not very big.

What's it to you?

Oh, just curious.

We're taking you in on a 38-10b.

Blowing down a house without a license.

Yeah. We're takin' you in, wolf.

Boo.

Can we go now?

[Lucky] Okay, pigs...

see if you recognize,
who blew down your homes.

And, uh, take your time. Don't rush.

I know this can be tough.

Oh, yeah. This is gonna
be a toughie all right.

[Pigs] He did it.

See ya. Gotta go. Bye.

I still don't see why
we're blamin' the wolf

for blowing down our houses.

What do you have? Bacon for brains?

We gotta blame somebody
for our cheap houses falling down!

Okay, why do we build cheap houses?

[exclaiming] Okay. I'll explain
this one last time.

We build the homes for very little money.
But we sell them for lots of money

and then we get very, very rich.

Okay. But what does the wolf get?

A nice, fat jail sentence.

[sighs] You know, this is a toughie.

I mean, how do we know the wolf's guilty?

Look, the three pork rinds seen
the wolf blow down a house.

The pig's ID the wolf.
It's an open and shut case.

Hey, what do you know? I got an idea.

Stop! Please! I'm too young to go to jail!

Look, you wanted to make sure
the wolf was guilty.

So, now, I'm going clue
hunting in Porkwood

and you're going undercover.

I can't go undercover.
I don't have a thing to wear.

Well, what do you know?

I just so happen to have a spare
wolf costume in my pocket.

Wait! Wait! Wait! Hold the phone!
I can't play a wolf just like that.

I'm a method actor.

I need to know the innermost
thoughts of my character first.

Just act tough.
The wolf will respect that.

Bye!

All's I have to do is act tough.

Fine.

Hmm...hyah! Ooooo-wagga!

Whoopee! Hyah! Hoooo-hyah!

I'm bad!

Ooh, yeah! Uh-huh!

Heh heh heh. Yeah.

Scram!

Yeah, I'm tough!
Ooh yeah, tough, that's me.

Tougher than nails,

tougher than a pit bull with a pipe b*mb.
Tougher than--

Hey, what's the big idea
scaring an itty-bitty mouse?

You oughta be ashamed!

Careful, you! I don't wanna have to hurt
[whimpers] myself.

Perhaps, you dunno who I am.

Well, you know that red ridin' hood caper?

That was me.

Yeah. And Bo Peep?
She didn't lose her sheep, I ate 'em.

Yeah, that's right. I'm the rough
and rugged wolf of Westwood.

And there's nobody tougher!

So?

[squeaking] So, uh, nothing.

Uh-oh! Looks like we got some problems.

Yeah, you're right. We can't have
that copper snooping around Porkwood.

Okay. Why?

'Cause if that cops sees a house fall down
and the wolf isn't around,

he'll know we're lying.

Well, if the wolf's ever been to Porkwood,
he hasn't left behind any clues.

Dusted every doorknob
and haven't found a single pawprint.

[house rumbling]

Maybe we should scare him off.

Nah, too messy.

Besides, I got a plan that'll
keep us out of trouble.

There!

That oughta keep you two out of trouble.

You know, I've never been one for jewelry,
but this is kinda cute.

[growls]

[Bonkers thinking] Hmm, there must be
some way I can buddy-up to the wolf.

I know! I'll talk to him about macramé!
Nah, too controversial.

Ahem! So, what do you want to talk about?

-Uh, well, uh--
-I know!

We're prisoners,
so we should be talking jailbreak!

Sure. You probably
already have a plan, huh?

It's okay. You can tell me.
We're jail mates.

Prison pals. Convict compadres.

And you know, it's the kind
of thing we talk about.

Guard! Guard!

Shh! you want the guard to hear?

Come on. They won't suspect a thing.
So, just between us, what's the plan?

Do we use saws?

Bazookas?

Pocket peeler?

Do we dig a tunnel?

Nah, too low-profile. Something flashier.

[exclaims] I know!

Hot air balloon.

Yep. Well, they certainly look like
toon wolfprints to me.

This oughta make sure the wolf gets
all the blame.

Ah, Officer Peekwell,
what are you doin' here?

Piquel. And I'm on an investigation.

You're on ona ona an investigation?
No kiddin', huh?

Uh Uh How long will it take exactly?

Days, weeks, months.

Depends on the clues.

Wait. I know!

Dynamite!

You blasted your way out!

Like this.

[Bonkers coughing] Whoopsie.

I hope they don't take
this out of my salary.

I guess this means,
we won't be staying for dinner.

[expl*si*n]

[alarm rings]

Jail break! Jail break!

-[whistles] Here, boy! Come here, boy!
-[growling]

Come on, boy. Oh God, it's a jailbreak!

Mean old wolf, just escaped with some toon
in a cheap wolf costume.

[vehicles honking]

[growling]

[growling]

[barking]

Boy, he's good.
But, can he bake a cherry pie?

[yelping]

[both panting]

[snarling]

[both splash in water]

[snarling]

[truck honking]

[Lucky] Well, at first, I was
suspicious of your porkers.

Wasn't sure I believed your story
about the wolf blowing down houses.

But these wolf tracks
didn't just fall outta the sky.

Uh, yeah. Right, right. Oh Yeah.

And it takes a smart guy
to realize something like that, I tell ya.

Yeah. It does, doesn't it?

Oh, yeah. Sure!

And there's a place for a smart guy
like you in Porkwood, absolutely.

Yep. This could be all yours.

Just imagine you and your
family living here.

Imagine, enjoying this wide screen T.V.

with a disk player
and surround sound system.

Now how much would you pay?
Wait! Don't answer. There's more!

Imagine sitting in this
vibro-magic massage chair.

-Ooh, yeah. That feels pretty good, I--.
-[massage chair vibrating]

What am I thinking?
Forget it! It's out of my price range.

♪ Not if it's free ♪

-Free?
-That's what I said, baby.

A little reward for catching the wolf.

Besides, you would be performing a service

with a police officer living here,

people would be assured
that Porkwood is safe.

No kidding?

Whoa! Ha ha ha ha! Hey, come on! Ha ha!

That tickles. Don't do that.

Why, we'll sell these places faster than
they can fall down.

Uh, I mean, uh... hey, Knuckles, Chops,

show this gentleman here the sauna,
the jacuzzi and the bowling alley.

Bowling alley!
Man, this is great! When can I move in?

Well, I'll give you the keys
at our grand opening.

Right after you cut the ribbon.

I get to cut the ribbon? Wow.

We'll have a couple of t-bone steaks.

And a hacksaw. We heard
the steaks were tough here.

Wow! Elvis ketchup!

I'll have to get one of these
for Lucky as a souvenir.

Excuse me!
The meat is tougher than we expected.

Per chance do you have, uh,
ooh, I don't know, blowtorch?

[snarling]

[Officer] I'm lookin' for a couple
of escapees.

Have you seen anyone suspicious looking?

-Nope. Nah.
-Not me. No, sir.

Keep your eyes peeled.
They may look dopey,

but they might be dangerous.

Say, you two boys look familiar.

Oh, really? We've never been there.

Oh, maybe you saw our show.

We're professional Abraham
Lincoln impersonators.

Hit it, Abie, baby!

Uh, fourscore and seven years ago...

Hey, you're pretty good.
You do birthday parties?

Sorry, booked solid
through President's Day.

Maybe next year. Bye-bye.

[growls]

[insects chirping]

[Wolf] Whoa! Bridge out.

[Bonkers] Yikers!

Well, I guess here's where we have
our wolf to wolf chat.

About what?

Well, for one thing,
how'd you pull off the pig gig?

Pigs?

[grunting] Every time a basket
of goodies gets swiped

or a house gets blown down,
they blame it on a wolf!

[snarling]

Couldn't you just huff and puff
and blow this guy away?

That's the big bad wolf.
I'm the mean old wolf.

Although I have blown down
a pig's house or two,

but I always paid for 'em.

I... I can't even control when
I huff and puff.

It's just an allergy.

[snarling]

So, you're saying
you're just a big sneezer?

I don't even know what causes it.
It-- it just happens.

Suddenly, I'm huffing and puffing
and blowing down pig houses.

Gotcha.

This calls for plan two.

Elvis, do your stuff.

[yelping]

You know, I'm starting
to like you, buddy boy.

[gasps] You!

You're the cop who busted me!

[tittering] Oh, did I forget
to mention that? Silly me.

I can't believe it.

I thought you were my friend!

But you're nothin' but a bobcat
in wolf's clothing!

What do you know, you're right.
I thought I looked familiar.

[both screaming]

Well, I guess this is it.

Promise me you'll tell the g*ng
I went with a smile on my face.

Well, not exactly a smile,
it's more like a grimace.

It's not exactly a-- never mind.

[Bonkers] I was only doin' it
because the three big pigs

said you blew down their houses.
Is that so wrong?

Pigs?

[both screaming]

Howdy! Hi! Any calls while I was gone?

Now stay put! I'm not gonna hurt ya.

Promise?

Uh, you've been a pretty nice guy...
for a phony.

Besides, it's those pigs I really want.

Sorry, but as an officer of the law,
I can't allow that.

Look, have you ever been framed?

Just once, but the picture
really didn't do me justice.

I'm talking about the pigs setting me up.

I knew that.

Hey, I'm talking about you
helping me find out why.

[Bonkers] Somebody needs a mint.

Look, I don't know. After all, it is just
your word against theirs.

And there's three of them
and there's only one of--

[Knuckles] Hey, when we air
this promo tape,

the customers are going to come
pouring in like mud.

[Hokey pig] And just remember,
when it's a pig home,

it's a joy to be in hock.

And what does that mean?

It's going to make us rich, dodo.

And now to cut the ribbon
and open Porkwood,

we're happy to have our first homeowner,

Detective Lucky Peekwell.

Thank you! It's Piquel.

[Bonkers panting] Oh, let's slow down.

Can't we all just get along?
We can't barge in on the pigs like this.

They're law-abiding citizens.

Oh? And what am I?

You're a wolf.

Yeah, yeah, I'm the mean old wolf.

But I'm also loving and caring,
kind, sensitive,

and a fool about hot cocoa
on a cold winter's night.

And I'm innocent!

Why, I've never wrecked one
of these pig houses in my life.

[house rumbling down]

Did I do that?

Boy, looks like some
pretty shabby construction.

Yeah. And it looks like you
just proved who is guilty!

Detective Peekwell has assured us

that there will be no more wolf problem.
Isn't that right, Lucky?

Absolutely. And it's Piquel.
We've seen the last of that wolf

-or my name isn't--
-[Bonkers hissing]

Lucky, over here!

Bonkers?

[clears throat] Um, excuse me...

I, uh, I think I left some brownies
cooking in the oven. I'll be right back.

Bonkers, what are you doing here?
You should be in jail watching the wolf!

Don't worry. I brought him with me.

Hi. Remember me?

Bonkers, he's supposed to be in prison.

Wrong! It's the pigs
who should be in prison!

What are you talking about?

And make it snappy,
I've got a ribbon to cut.

The pigs are using cheap building
materials to defraud the public.

That's impossible. The pigs are
respectable contractors.

Oh, yeah? Watch this. Go ahead, hit me.

-Uh, if you say so.
-[clanks]

I meant hit me with the board.

Ah. Oh, yeah. Sorry.

[plank cracks]

You see? That proves the pigs are using
cheap building material.

And that I'm a glutton for punishment.

Ah, terrific. The pigs are about
to swindle hundreds of homeowners

and I was about to help them!

Oh, wowee.
That's a brilliant deduction, really.

Too bad you're a little late.

Oh, yeah? And what's gonna stop us
from spoiling your little scam?

Hmm, how about a couple
of tons of concrete?

Yep. That oughta do it.

Come on, boys, we got houses to sell.

Can't you huff and puff or something?

Sorry. But like I told buddy boy,

the huffin' and puffin'
is an allergy thing.

Maybe, it's time to see
what you're allergic to.

-Could it be hay?
-Nope.

-Cats? Milk?
-Uh-uh. Nope.

Reruns of bad '60's sitcoms?

Mmm... nah.

And I thought the pigs were
gonna give me a house, no charge.

I should've known there's no
such thing as a free lunch.

Did someone say lunch?

Bonkers, this is no time to eat.

We're not talking eat.
We're talking defeat!

Take a whiff, wolf.

Take a whiff, wolf?

[sniffing]

Ah-choo!

[Hokey pig] And remember
our slogan, folks.

When it's a pig home,
it's a joy to be in hock.

[huge footsteps approaching]

[teeth chattering]

[Lucky] What do you know?

The mean old wolf turns
out to be a good guy.

So, how'd you know
what he was allergic to?

Elementary, my dear Piquel.

Every time the wolf huffed
and puffed in the past,

he was around pigs.

Ergo and hence, he's allergic to pork.

And therefore the ever popular
ham sandwich, hold the mayo.

Oh, no.

[sneezing heavily]

[theme music playing]