A Different Man (2024)

[bunniefuu]

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC FLOURISHES]

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

-[THUDS]

-EDWARD: Oh!

[GROANS]

Hey. Hey, man, you all right?

You need to lie down

or something?

No, this happens

from time to time. It'll pass.

Thanks for asking,

though. [GROANS]

All right, well just

let me know.

-I'll be at my desk.

-[EDWARD GROANS]

DIRECTOR: Uh, Mr. Lemuel...

[BELL RINGING]

That was maybe on the

slightly intense side.

Yeah, we...

I think we want less

of an aneurysm-type attack

and more like, uh...

Woozy. You know?

"Oh, oh."

BOTH: "Oh, oh."

All right? "Oh."

Don't wanna scare people.

EDWARD: Ah. Oh.

Ah. How's that feel?

-Great.

-Any notes for me?

DIRECTOR: Nope, you're great.

EDWARD: Oh. Oh.

SEAN: Hey. Hey, man,

you all right?

EDWARD: Oh.

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

You, uh, you been

at this long?

A little while, I guess.

Mmm. Just got outta Julliard.

This is my first paying gig.

My first gig, really.

Mmm. Interesting experience.

-[MEN LAUGHING]

-[WHEELS SQUEALING]

[TRAIN RATTLING]

RAGGED MAN: I know

what you're all thinking,

but you're wrong.

I only want directions.

Where's this train

headed, huh?

Where's the conductor?

Ask him where

this train is bound.

Glory? That's not

my ultimate destination.

Fort Lee, New Jersey is

my ultimate destination.

I don't know

about you suckers,

I got a brother-in-law.

This train is hauling

the good, the bad,

and especially

the ugly mother f*ck!

So who's gonna be the hero?

-You?

-I'm a casting director,

specializing in unique

and unusual physiognomies.

-Have you ever considered...

-RAGGED MAN: Yeah,

they tell me

I got star quality.

CASTING DIRECTOR:

I believe that. Here...

LANDLORD: Salamunovich says,

"Nah, don't worry about it.

It's just a gland."

-Cool, yo...

-Hey, hey, 4F,

you keepin' a dog

in your apartment?

-No, why?

-Must be somebody else.

[MOVERS SPEAKING

OTHER LANGUAGE]

OLLIE: Hey. Come on, man.

Watch it, watch it,

watch it, watch it.

Hey, hey. No, come here.

Feel this. Feel this.

-[MOVER CHUCKLES]

-LANDLORD: Here.

That seem like a lump to you?

A little lumpy.

OLLIE: You know who

this guy reminds me of?

Woody Allen, when he was

younger and kind of nervous.

Yeah. He's kind of nervous.

OLLIE: Listen,

be confident brother.

Take some Brazilian jiu-jitsu,

or that Krav Maga

from Israel sh*t.

Look, hey, little guy.

All unhappiness in life comes

from not accepting what is.

Do you know who told me that?

LANDLORD: Your shrink.

OLLIE: No, I'm serious.

You know who told me

that all unhappiness in life

-comes from, uh...

-Jesus Christ.

LANDLORD: From not accepting

what is?

OLLIE: Lady Gaga.

I knew that f*cking b*tch

when she was...

[PEOPLE CHATTERING

IN OTHER LANGUAGE]

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

-[INGRID GASPS]

-Hi.

Um...

You wanna get there?

Excuse me.

Sorry, he's going...

-[LOUD THUDDING]

-INGRID: Jesus Christ, guys...

[MOVER SHOUTING

IN OTHER LANGUAGE]

[CARS HONKING]

[WATER DRIPPING]

[COUCH THUDS]

[TRUCK BEEPING]

[OBJECTS CLATTERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING

ON CAR SPEAKERS]

[WHISTLE INSTRUCTOR

WHISTLING OVER SPEAKERS]

[WATER DRIPPING]

[KNIFE TAPPING

ON CUTTING BOARD]

INSTRUCTOR: At its

most basic level,

whistling is about,

"Put your lips together

-"and blow."

-EDWARD: Hmm.

INSTRUCTOR: Right?

Everyone knows that.

Every five-year-old

knows that.

But, obviously, it's more

complicated than that.

As everyone, uh,

who's ever tried

to whistle knows,

that if you put

your lips together...

-[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

-[EDWARD GASPS]

Oh! [GRUNTS]

INSTRUCTOR:

All of these muscles,

uh, the sphincter muscles

around your lips...

-Hey. Oh, your hand!

-Uh...

Um, I just unpacked

my first aid kit.

Right back, hold on.

[INSTRUCTOR WHISTLING]

-...has something to do...

-[VIDEO STOPS PLAYING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Got it.

Oh, um, I'll fix that.

Don't worry about it.

-Can we sit here?

-[DOOR CLOSES]

I'm no doctor.

I waive all liability.

Do you consent?

Antibacterial ointment

and gauze pads

is the extent of my expertise

is overstating it.

Oh. Expired. Recently?

It's probably

still good though, right?

-EDWARD: Yeah.

-Um...

Mmm, paper towels.

-It's bad for the earth.

-EDWARD: Uh...

Let's, uh, examine

the wound here.

Oh, shi...

Maybe you need stitches?

-What do you think?

-I mean...

-Hmm...

-What happened to you?

-It's none of my business.

-Hmm.

Okay.

Let's see, ugh.

Those assholes

and I just stood there

like a moron.

And I thought,

"I've got an enemy

in my new building."

This will sting.

Did it not sting?

A little.

Okay, that's, that's good.

It's probably good.

-Hmm.

-Brave. This is potent stuff.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, um, let's just...

Before it...

Is this okay?

-EDWARD: Hmm?

-Oh sh*t.

I got it on the couch.

-Oh. No, it's okay.

-I'm so sorry.

Just tell me

if it doesn't come out.

[CHUCKLES] Oh.

I got it on my thigh.

That's disgusting. [CHUCKLES]

[FIRST AID KIT CLATTERING]

EDWARD: Hmm. [CHUCKLES]

[INGRID CLEARS THROAT]

[WATER DRIPPING]

Oh, you should probably

get that checked out.

-Uh...

-Your apartment is

so lived in.

Yeah. Uh, well, I mean,

it, uh, makes sense...

INGRID: Mine's a w*r zone.

-Are you from here?

-EDWARD: Yeah.

Hmm. I'm from Alesund.

-You heard of that?

-EDWARD: Mmm.

Sorry, what was

your name again?

-Edward.

-INGRID: E. Lemuel.

I saw it on the mailbox.

I'm Ingrid. Did I say that?

Is that your mom?

EDWARD: Yeah.

Is that you?

Yes.

-Is she alive?

-EDWARD: [CLICKS TONGUE] No.

So, what do you do?

Uh, well, I... I was just

cutting some onions...

INGRID: You're a writer.

Oh, I found it on the street.

Really? Looks valuable.

"They taunt me and beg me

to show my face,

"only so that when I do,

"they can turn away

in horror."

What's that?

I... I was

just testing it out.

It's interesting.

Actually, I'm a playwright.

I act.

Amazing.

I'm trying to think if I've,

uh, seen you in anything.

Not... Not likely. [CHUCKLES]

Well, maybe we'll ride

to glory together. [CHUCKLES]

-Maybe.

-[INGRID CHUCKLES]

Oh, uh, do you know who lived

in my apartment before me?

-C. Pulaski?

-Uh, yeah.

He, uh, came over

to, uh, borrow

some laundry detergent.

Uh, old guy. Widower, maybe.

-Did he die?

-I didn't...

I didn't know

he was, uh, gone.

Actually, this is not

why I came over.

But can I borrow

some laundry detergent?

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

-INGRID: Yeah?

-Sure. I...

Um, yeah.

You learning to whistle?

DR. VARNO: All in all,

things look relatively stable.

Eventually, we'll have

to take a look

at the growth

over your left eye.

Your vision is

noticeably impacted?

EDWARD: I've adjusted.

This makes it two

or so years without surgery.

-Much needed respite.

-EDWARD: Yeah.

Let's aim for three years.

But I must be frank

that sooner or later,

the eye will become

debilitating.

As for the cholesteatoma,

I think we should go in

and get that thing out.

But the hearing loss

is minimal,

so we can probably

sit on it for a bit.

Several other tumors have

shown minor enlargement,

but no impingement on

any important structures.

So, just some things

we have to keep an eye on.

I mention this

so that you have an idea

of the road ahead,

not that it's news to you.

But an alternative path

has presented itself.

A colleague of mine,

Eugene Flexner,

rather distinguished,

is on the lookout

for patients,

a patient like you,

for an experimental

drug trial.

This drug seems

to have the potential to be,

words like heal

and cure are an anathema

to folks in my profession,

but to actually heal you,

completely, even.

The implications are

life changing for you.

I shouldn't overpromise

anything

because it's

the first trial I believe.

Perhaps any potential risk is

worth the potential reward?

Something to think about.

-[CONTEMPLATIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

-[DOG BARKING]

[WATER DRIPPING]

[EDWARD SIGHS]

Oh, hey, neighbor.

Housewarming, for the door.

Didn't your mother give

that to you?

No, I... I found it

on the street.

Right. Okay.

I just wanna get rid of it,

and you're a play writer.

Yeah, but you could

probably get some cash for it.

Write me a part.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Yes. Right.

I'll get right on that.

No, but thank you.

It's, uh, very heavy,

generous.

-Thank you.

-[EDWARD CLEARS THROAT]

Hey!

-CARL: Hey, man.

-Hello. That's my neighbor.

Come in. Thank you again.

EDWARD: Yep.

INGRID: Thank you.

OSTERMEIER: Jesus Christ.

Whom else would I love

but the most beautiful woman

in the world? Of course.

The most beautiful

of all women.

The most captivating,

the most intelligent.

Sometimes in the blue shadows

of evening,

I give way to tender feelings.

I go into a garden,

smelling the fragrance

of spring

with my poor monstrous nose,

and I watch a man and a woman,

strolling together

under the moonlight,

and I think how I too,

would like to be arm in arm

with a woman under the moon.

I let myself be carried away.

I forget myself.

And then I...

suddenly see

the shadow of my...

profile on the garden wall.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SIGHS]

NARRATOR: Sad as it is,

it will come as no surprise.

Attractive people are

the winners

in most areas of life,

and the workplace is

no exception.

You're likely

to be startled or perturbed

when you see a face like this.

You might stare tactlessly,

or on the contrary,

avert your gaze,

even if you're generally

a kind person.

These uneasy feelings

may diminish or subside

after repeated exposure

to your facially

different coworker.

Be gentle with yourself

for having these reactions.

We have no control

over the fight

or flight responses

of the reptilian part

of our brains.

But as developed,

empathetic beings,

there are strategies

we can adopt

to be more inclusive.

Here, according

to the experts,

are some techniques.

Make your d*sfigured

coworker feel included

on your team's project

and make an effort

to seek their input.

Luther, do you have

any feedback for Sally?

Sounds like an ace idea to me.

When appropriate, invite them

to social functions.

So, Morris,

it's my birthday this weekend.

Oh, really? How old are you?

It's a big one,

let's leave it at that.

-MORRIS: Mmm.

-But I'm, uh, having

some people at my place,

and I was thinking

you should come.

Sally will be there.

[CHUCKLES] Ace.

Thank you for thinking of me.

It really means a lot.

And you're welcome

to bring someone

if there's a girl or...

Uh, thank you.

Happy birthday.

NARRATOR: Ask how they're

doing occasionally,

as you would ask anyone else.

If they appear

to be in distress,

gently inquire

if they need your help...

-[EDWARD MOANING]

-NARRATOR: ...without assuming

their dependence on you.

Hey. Hey, man, you all right?

You need to lie down

or something?

[CLICKS TONGUE]

No, this... This happens

from time to time. It'll pass.

Thanks for asking though.

All right, well,

just let me know.

I'll be at my desk.

Hey, have you seen

Sally anywhere?

No.

That's, uh, basically it.

-Mmm. Is there more of you?

-No.

[NARRATOR SPEAKING

INDISTINCTLY OVER TV]

Well, is it...

What is it? Is it some...

Like they show it in offices?

I think something like that.

Yeah.

Well, it seems like

an important tool.

And, uh, no,

you made an impression.

-Yeah.

-Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

We all gotta start somewhere.

Yeah. Oh, you have

this blackhead on your nose.

Oh, I...

-Can I get at it?

-EDWARD: Uh...

[CHUCKLES] It's...

I can get it.

Can I?

Oh, okay. [CHUCKLES]

It's... No. I don't have to.

No, it's... It's fine.

It's, uh, you have

very oily skin.

I have a good cream for that.

-Okay.

-Hmm. I'd love to try it.

-Yeah?

-Sure.

-[INGRID CHUCKLES]

-[EDWARD LAUGHS]

[NARRATOR SPEAKING

INDISTINCTLY OVER TV]

So, no more of you

in this? [CLEARS THROAT]

-No.

-Ah, nope? Okay.

-Um...

-[INGRID CLEARS THROAT]

I think, uh, I'm gonna...

-EDWARD: Hey, I... I'm sorry.

-No, don't be sorry.

I... I forgot I have

this thing, and, uh...

I'll talk to you later.

See you soon.

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR OVER SPEAKERS:

Psychologists have begun

to uncover where disgust

comes from...

[EDWARD SIGHS]

NARRATOR: ...some

researchers believing

the emotion is

similar to fear.

"Fear evolved to keep you

away from large animals

"that want to eat you

from the outside,"

says Valerie Curtis,

a behavioral scientist

at the London School of

Hygiene and Tropical Medicine.

[EDWARD SIGHS]

[UPSETTING MUSIC PLAYING]

DR. FLEXNER: Okay, and then...

-[KEYBOARD CLACKS]

-DR. FLEXNER: Ta-da!

Okay. All right.

It's just a file photo,

but I believe

we all get the idea.

Uh, all right,

let's move on, Dr. Trutz.

All right, as you may know,

this drug was

originally developed

as a treatment

for androgenic alopecia.

It's an area which has

shown significant promise.

Uh, it's

in phase three trials?

Uh, but, what we're

attempting here,

though, of course,

for a far more niche market,

is a different beast

altogether.

At the dose that we propose

to administer,

physical modification

of hard and soft tissue,

both reductive

and augmentative,

was observed without the need

for manual shaving

or grafting.

There is the potential

to restore form and function

to bodies containing

a variety of defects,

which is paramount

to a patient's

physical appearance,

while reducing

the overall cost

with only a moderate level

of morbidity.

There was a non-zero number

of wound dehiscence

and vessel damage...

-[MACHINE BEEPING]

-[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[INSTRUMENT TRILLING]

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

[BEEPING]

[THUMPING]

[TUBES GURGLING]

[INSTRUMENT WHIRRING]

We'll use this one

to measure the progress,

and we'll feed

any inconsistencies

back into the machine.

Wow. What a world! [CHUCKLES]

Log book.

Next to each

potential side effect,

mark the number.

Zero meaning non-existent,

one meaning mild,

ten meaning... [CHUCKLES]

These are going to help

protect your kidneys.

Take them every four hours

on the dot.

These could be placebos?

These ones, no.

Everybody gets these

to protect the kidneys.

The placebo arms are

for the Turpidol

and the Ochiprosoponib

medication.

So theoretically, yes,

with those you won't know

for sure,

but I'd just put that idea

out of your head.

Now, let's get

that bandage changed.

Dr. Trutz.

Dr. Trutz! Dressing change.

This one's...

See you tomorrow.

[UNSETTLING MUSIC PLAYING]

-[PEOPLE CHATTERING

INDISTINCTLY]

-[WOMAN LAUGHS]

And it paid

really badly, so...

-It wasn't the move.

-Wasn't the move.

Wasn't the move.

Um, I remember...

I remember going

to some great record stores.

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]

[LATIN DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN ON TV:

It drives me crazy.

And you know what I think

about money I make?

I'll tell you what I think

about money.

See this? This is what

I think about money.

This, all right?

So go ahead then.

You ready?

Throw it up in my face.

Come on, do what you say.

Say it! Say it!

Say how you pay the bills.

How you're spending

your money.

How you picked up

the rent last month.

Huh? What do you want me

to do, get on my knees?

You want me to kiss your feet?

Well, forget it, man.

Because this place

has been here long

before you got me up in here,

and it'll be here long

after you leave.

All right? So don't tell me

about money.

And don't tell me about pain,

and don't tell me

when you think

it could've been finished.

All right? I'll tell you

when it gets finished.

In fact, you'll be

the first to know.

I'll come and tell you, man.

I'll come over...

[EDWARD GRUNTS]

[COUGHS]

MAN: I'll whisper it.

Right in your ear, man.

I'll say, "It's done!"

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING

OVER TV SPEAKERS]

WOMAN 1 ON TV: Ah, come on.

I don't wanna spend

another night

just sitting around,

looking at the TV.

WOMAN 2 ON TV: We have to.

We have no money.

WOMAN 1: But I thought

you got your al...

-Ali, Ale, Al...

-WOMAN 2: Alimony.

WOMAN 1: Alimony check today.

WOMAN 2: I did,

but I had to pay rent.

-[FOOTSTEPS THUDDING]

-[LOUD THUD]

[BULB CRACKLES AND CLINKS]

[WATER DRIPPING]

WOMAN 1:

We don't have any drugs?

-We don't have any money?

-[CEILING CRACKS]

-[OBJECT SPLASHES]

-WOMAN 1: We don't have any...

I can't take it anymore!

WOMAN 2: Why don't you call up

one of your friends

and go out?

WOMAN 1: Because I don't have

any friends.

-[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

-[EDWARD GASPS]

-MAN: Open the door!

-[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

[LOUD BANGING ON DOOR]

[BANGING CONTINUES]

No, no. This way. 4B! 4B!

OFFICER: Come on.

Let's move. Go, go, go.

EMT 1: Snip the thing.

EMT 2: [GRUNTS] Yeah.

EMT 1: Cut it.

-You got him?

-EMT 2: Yeah.

EMT 1: Careful,

don't drop him.

-[CUTTER CLANKS]

-[EMT 2 GRUNTS]

WOMAN: Oh!

EMT 2: I got him. I got him.

EMT 1: Good?

EMT 2: [GRUNTS] Yep.

I'm... I'm good.

EMT 1: Yeah, I'm tired man.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING

ON SPEAKERS]

[PEOPLE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[CAT PURRING]

-[SIRENS BLARING]

-[PURRING CONTINUES]

EMT 3: Okay, set it down.

Goodnight, sweet prince.

EMT 4: Think this guy was

a poet?

[ICE CREAM TRUCK

PLAYING MUSIC OVER SPEAKERS]

EMT 3: What were

you doing, man?

EMT 5: What?

WOMAN OVER SPEAKERS: Hello?

EMT 5: Hey, go around.

You gotta go around.

Let's go!

[ICE CREAM VENDOR SHOUTS

INDISTINCTLY]

[EMTS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

ICE CREAM VENDOR:

Learn to park, m*therf*ckers.

[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

ICE CREAM VENDOR:

Hey, where were you

when my mother had a stroke.

EMT 3: Hey, come on, guy!

Go away. You gotta go back.

[ICE CREAM TRUCK CONTINUES

PLAYING MUSIC]

His name was Ostermeier,

according to his mailbox.

-Yeah, Ostermeier.

-You knew him?

No.

Would you k*ll yourself?

I don't know, maybe.

Depends on the circumstances.

Don't say "maybe". Say "no".

-Would you?

-What a question!

I know I asked it first.

Hey, what happened

to your bandage?

Oh, yeah, it healed.

It's a miracle.

I'm like St. Francis.

Guess I chose

the wrong profession,

and now I'm gonna slash you,

-get some more practice.

-[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Sorry. Nervous Nelly.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I'm not scared.

Um, what are your plays about?

No, don't ask.

I'd rather talk about suicide.

-Sorry.

-No, it's just...

It's embarrassing

talking about...

Especially when it's

still in progress.

You know,

I call myself a writer,

but it's...

It's sort of aspirational.

No, I do write. It's...

I've written

a few translations

by this Italian, though,

you wouldn't know him,

he's a nobody.

I won an award for it.

-Small, but, yeah.

-Hmm.

I'm trying to write

my first original play,

but I'm still figuring it out.

You probably want

your typewriter back.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, throw it out

for all I give a sh*t.

I wouldn't throw it out.

At the very least, it makes me

looks like a writer.

At the very least, it makes me

look like a writer.

[EDWARD CHUCKLES]

-Its presence mocks me.

-Inspires you.

That's the most positive

thing I've heard you say.

[EDWARD CHUCKLES]

What are your favorite plays?

Um, I don't know.

The one about

the, um, selling...

The... The seller, salesman.

Oh. Mmm-hmm.

-Um...

-Yeah.

I saw a pretty good one

on TV about the Nazis.

-Which one's that?

-I don't remember the name,

but it had singing

and dancing and Nazis.

The Nazis were singing

and dancing?

No, the, um...

-The other...

-Jews.

I guess so.

The Jews were singing

and dancing?

Yeah, I guess so.

Sounds like

a weird dream you had.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Probably I'm misremembering.

[TAPPING]

Who's that?

I don't... I don't know.

Why is he waving at you?

I... I have no idea.

What did he want?

Why'd he think he knew you?

[SIGHS] Sometimes

these things happen to me.

They do?

[EDWARD SLURPS]

Well, I'd like

to come see the...

-Your play when...

-You're not gonna see it,

you're gonna be in it, right?

[EDWARD CHUCKLES]

-[RAIN PATTERING ON WINDOWS]

-[WATER DRIPPING]

[THUNDER CLAPS]

[CEILING CREAKING]

-[CRASHING]

-[EDWARD GRUNTS]

[WATER RUNNING]

[EDWARD GRUNTS]

Ah!

[GROANS]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

EDWARD: Argh!

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

[GROANING]

[GASPS] Argh!

[CHUCKLES] It's incredible.

[CHUCKLES]

I guess this means

I'm not in the control group?

I can't disclose

that information, officially.

This could be something

called the placebo effect.

EDWARD: I have to admit,

I'm... I'm starting

to feel a little...

frightened, and, uh...

Is this safe?

I mean, uh, my face is

falling off in clumps.

DR. FLEXNER: [CHUCKLES]

I'm sure it only looks

-like clumps to you.

-Big gobs.

Skin particles cleaving

at the fascial planes.

Look, you are healing,

Mr. Lemuel.

You're a part

of medical history.

You might even be the subject

of a documentary one day.

If I'm not

in the control group.

DR. FLEXNER:

Oh, and if at all possible,

I'd like you to take

photographs of your face,

say ten a day,

just to monitor

the rate of change,

which appears

to be very rapid.

Perhaps the risk

is worth the reward.

Something to think about.

Ta-da!

What do I do with it?

Keep it, uh,

as a souvenir, a reminder.

EDWARD: Of what?

[ALARM BLARING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[CAR HONKING HORN]

Do you hear that? That alarm.

You're an actor, right?

A movie actor.

I've seen you around.

You gotta be careful

out there, man.

[EDWARD GROANS]

[COUGHING]

[BUS BRAKES SQUEALING]

[ALARM WAILING]

[EDWARD RETCHING]

-[DOOR SLAMS]

-[EDWARD COUGHING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

["TURN AROUND" BY CARL PERKINS

PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

[WOMAN LAUGHING]

BARTENDER: Crapper's

for customers only, buddy.

So what's it gonna be?

Something potent

by the looks of it.

[BOTTLE CLINKS]

Up? Or rocks?

Let's not dilute

its medicinal value, huh?

[SIRENS WAILING]

Hey, man.

I know you.

Where do I know you from?

I don't know.

Do you know me?

You recognize me?

I'm Guy Gaunt.

-EDWARD: I don't know.

-Ring a bell?

EDWARD: I don't know, maybe.

I can't place you.

Right.

-Volunteer fireman.

-What?

Do you... Do you work

for Facebook?

No, but I get this a lot.

-Um...

-No, that's not it.

I saw you.

I wouldn't forget you.

I... I don't forget a face.

EDWARD: Hmm.

Excuse me,

you got a little, uh,

blood or something on ya.

-EDWARD: Hmm. Hmm.

-What's your name?

-Edward.

-After that.

-Lemuel.

-Huh?

-Lemuel.

-Leemwell.

-Edward Leemwell.

-Mmm-hmm.

Hey, how do you do?

This is really

some mystery, isn't it?

I'm Guy Gaunt, like I said.

It'll come to me though.

-You think on it, too, okay?

-Okay.

Okay. Enjoy your drink.

[EDWARD RETCHING]

[RETCHING AND COUGHING]

[CRYING]

[SCREAMS] No!

[CRYING]

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHING]

-[SKIN SQUELCHING]

-EDWARD: Uh...

[GASPS]

[BREATHING SHARPLY]

[GRUNTS]

[GAGS]

[GAGGING]

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[GASPS]

[CHUCKLES]

[UNSETTLING MUSIC PLAYING]

INGRID: [MUFFLED] I must say

it's a silver lining.

-It's not...

-CARL: It's not what?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[INGRID CLEARS THROAT]

WHISTLE INSTRUCTOR:

If you put your lips together,

and blow, uh, sometimes

this is what you get.

[BLOWING AIR]

And, uh, you know, most of

the frustrated comments

I get are, "Cosmo, I put

my lips together and I blew,

"but, um, that's all I got.

"I sound like a tea kettle,

but it's not whistling."

Obviously, there's

something else at play.

What you really want is

you want your... your mouth...

-[EDWARD BLOWS AIR]

-WHISTLE INSTRUCTOR: ...tight.

-Not necessarily...

-[EDWARD BLOWING AIR]

WHISTLE INSTRUCTOR: ...small,

because that, you know, varies

-with the pitch.

-[EDWARD SOBBING]

[TENSE MUSIC FADES OUT]

[INGRID AND CARL LAUGHING]

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIREN WAILING]

[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING]

[LOUD MUSIC PLAYING

ON SPEAKERS]

[PEOPLE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING

INDISTINCTLY]

Whiskey.

Rocks, up?

I don't wanna dilute

the medicinal value.

You what?

One more?

[MEN SHOUTING]

[CHEERING]

Let's go, man!

Come on, man. We did it!

-f*cking wild, man.

-Let's go baby.

Yeah! Yeah!

MAN 1: Come on, man.

MAN 2: Yeah!

-MAN 1: It's time to f*ck up!

-[MAN 3 GRUNTS]

EDWARD: Yeah!

MAN 1: Yeah!

[BOTH YELLING]

[PUNK MUSIC PLAYING

OVER SPEAKERS]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING]

[EDWARD MOANS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[CHUCKLES]

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

-[EDWARD SIGHS]

-[WATER DRIPPING]

[SIREN WAILING]

Uh...

[SIGHS]

[EXHALES]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[KEYS JANGLING]

[DOOR UNLOCKS]

[DOOR OPENS]

You got the hole?

EDWARD: Uh, what...

What time is it?

[CLEARS THROAT]

What the hell did you do?

I... I didn't...

I didn't do anything.

Well, you shouldn't

have let it get like this.

Yeah. Well, what was

I supposed to?

I didn't...

I didn't know what...

You know, I told

the guy downstairs, and...

-Where were you?

-Gallstones.

-I thought your mother...

-This 4F?

Yeah.

You're the man

that lives here?

Well, yes.

There's another man

that lives here though.

Sometimes, maybe. Why?

You're the one that called

and complained

about this hole.

-The man with the dog.

-No.

I mean, I have a cat.

NESTOR: A cat? Named what?

I don't know.

NESTOR: That's the guy

that lives here?

That is art.

-NESTOR: Hmm, like a mask?

-Like a... A bust.

[CAT MEOWS]

Pretty weird stuff.

Okay, I'll, uh,

I'll fix the...

-Is that the cat?

-Yep.

Okay, I'll fix the hole.

-Should I leave?

-You can do whatever you want.

You need help?

Want some tap water?

I hope I have

the materials for this.

This is a big problem.

Should've fixed this sooner.

[NESTOR EXHALES]

Hi, uh, sorry.

It... It was open.

Is this Ed Lemuel's apartment?

I... I know it's early.

I'm looking for Mr. Lemuel.

-Uh, he's a patient of mine.

-Um...

Uh, we have not heard

from him for a week,

and no one

in my office has been

able to get a hold of him.

-[DOOR CLOSES]

-Yeah.

Well, what, um,

happened is that he, uh...

Edward is dead.

What? He's dead?

It happened very suddenly.

How? When... Uh...

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Ah, thanks. Thanks.

I'm Guy, a family friend.

-Family.

-Yeah.

So, is there a funeral?

Uh, yeah, no, it's over.

He's... He's dead

and buried. Cremated.

Well, was he sick?

NESTOR: Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse me, guys. Yeah.

We don't know.

-We're trying to find out.

-[DR. FLEXNER SIGHING]

Suicide.

Suicide?

Uh, was he depressed?

Yeah. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Yeah.

-Was he depressed?

-I don't know.

-I don't know.

-[DR. FLEXNER SIGHING]

You... You say

he was cremated?

I think cremated, yeah.

Uh...

So you're sure

Mr. Lemuel is really gone?

Yep. He's, uh,

really, really gone.

Just like that.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

[EDWARD GRUNTS]

MARIANA: I think

you have mice.

I saw some droppings. Ugh!

-[ZIPPER ZIPS]

-You need a cat. [CHUCKLES]

All right, I'll see you later.

NICK: Guy Moratz!

You know I'm gonna

Take a chance

On some good a*s property

Sell it to the lady

MARIANA: Yeah!

NICK: Whoa!

[STAFF APPLAUDING]

-NICK: Look at this guy!

-[MARIANA CHUCKLING]

Look at this guy!

-Yes.

-MAN: Yeah!

This is my f*cking guy.

Look at this piece

-of man candy

-Put it down.

-MAN: No way.

-No. I'm not going to.

-[EDWARD CHUCKLES]

-Look at this piece

of man candy. I'm getting

a f*cking toothache.

-MARIANA: He looks great.

-Sit the f*ck down.

Sit the f*ck down

and get to work, you genius.

It turned out so well.

NICK: I notice that isn't

on your little billboard.

-[CHUCKLES] Sorry.

-What?

NICK: Just that

little pockmark or whatever.

It's nothing.

Nobody's ever gonna notice it.

It's not... You can't

see it on the...

You know, I'm sure

they buffed it out.

You're gonna wanna

change your name

if you're gonna be

a f*cking famous model.

Guy Moratz just sounds

f*cking made up.

MARIANA: He's on the lam.

NICK: He's on the lam, huh?

You k*ll somebody?

Who are you?

I'm not gonna tell anybody.

You k*ll somebody?

-No.

-NICK: Stay humble, Fabio.

I see you over there

getting a big old head.

[TRAIN RATTLING]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC FADES OUT]

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

SILVERHEELS:

They taunt me and beg me

just to see my face.

Only so that when I do,

they can turn

and run in horror.

INGRID: Thank you,

Mr. Silverheels.

Thank you for your time.

[PEOPLE MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

WOMAN: I worry about it.

Can I help you?

Hi... [HESITATES]

-Are you here for Edward?

-EDWARD: Uh...

Is he on the call sheet?

Sammy Silverheels

is the last one for the day.

-What?

-Did you get sides?

-Sides?

-Viv give him the...

Get him sides for, um, Theo.

-VIV: Okay.

-Scene 12.

-Fiona, can you...

-FIONA: Yeah.

[INGRID CLEARS THROAT]

Okay. Whenever you're ready.

[EDWARD CLEARS THROAT]

Um...

"If... If it was me,

I would...

"I'd just move

out of the building,

"forfeit my deposit.

"I couldn't live next to that.

"Every time you step outside

not knowing

"if he's gonna be there.

"Always be on guard.

Jesus, I'd have nightmares."

Come on. Don't be an as*h*le.

You don't mean that.

"I sure as hell do mean it.

"And I... I don't feel bad

about it either.

"Humans are hardwired to fear,

"despise the sick

and the ugly.

"Used to leave deformed babies

out to die in the cold.

"Put 'em

in the institutions at least.

"I've got science on my side.

"You know it's true.

But it's...

"You're... You're

just being politically, um...

"correct."

[TRAFFIC WHOOSHING]

I need this, man.

I'd be right for it, too.

Kind of born for it.

You know what I mean.

Just wanna tell my mama,

"Hey, it was all worth it."

[SIRENS WAILING]

[SIGHS] The life

we've chosen, huh?

Yeah.

-[DOOR OPENS]

-[DOORBELL CHIMING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Uh, who is Guy Moratz?

FIONA: Does it hurt?

EDWARD: No.

FIONA: Good.

Hey, that photo,

-is that you as a boy?

-EDWARD: Oh.

INGRID: Excuse me.

EDWARD: Yeah.

INGRID: Excuse me.

What's going on here?

EDWARD: I...

INGRID: Well...

EDWARD: What?

INGRID: Forgive me, is that,

uh, some kind of mask?

EDWARD: It's a prototype.

INGRID: Prototype? Of what?

EDWARD: For the face.

The eventual, uh...

Uh, we'll use makeup.

I don't... I don't know...

However you wanna handle it.

INGRID: Who are you exactly?

EDWARD: I'm Edward.

Guy Moratz, supposedly.

EDWARD: I was...

INGRID: Guy Moratz.

-You're Guy Moratz.

-EDWARD: I was born for this.

INGRID: So...

EDWARD: I am this guy.

INGRID: Are you... deformed?

EDWARD: I am this guy.

We... [CHUCKLES]

This is... This is an

off-Broadway production.

I don't think

we can afford makeup.

EDWARD: Just let me

do the scene.

INGRID: Where'd

you get that mask?

EDWARD: Begin please.

Begin. Come on.

-[SIGHS]

-There.

All better.

-Does it hurt?

-EDWARD: No.

Good.

Hey... [CHUCKLES]

That photo.

-EDWARD: Oh.

-Is that you as a boy?

EDWARD: Uh, um, yeah.

So I guess you weren't born...

-I'm sorry. It's not my place.

-EDWARD: It's okay.

FIONA: People probably

ask you a lot of questions.

EDWARD: It's not the questions

I, uh, mind so much.

FIONA: No?

People can be cruel,

I imagine.

You have an eyelash.

-Let me get it.

-EDWARD: Uh...

FIONA: I...

EDWARD: Oh.

I have to go. I...

EDWARD: I'm... I'm sorry.

FIONA: No, no, no.

I... I didn't realize

what time it was.

EDWARD: I'm sorry.

It's just, um...

No one, uh...

No one's ever, uh...

Touched my...

My face before.

[EDWARD CLEARS THROAT]

INGRID: Your first audition

was a little, uh...

EDWARD: I was,

uh, traumatized,

because a... a friend,

childhood best friend was...

Had very much,

uh, this condition.

Like Edward, your Edward.

Don't tell me

his name was Edward.

No, no.

-Ronnie.

-Can Lonnie act?

He died. Um, which is...

And so I...

I felt overwhelmed.

Uh, you know,

and... And... And that's why

I really feel strongly

that I have to play this part.

[CHUCKLES] That's one way

to honor a friend.

FIONA: Check it out.

EDWARD: So did you know

an Edward?

INGRID: An Edward?

This can't just be a story

my brilliant imagination has

cooked up?

I've known, you know,

a couple of people.

It's more of, um...

What's the word?

-Tribute.

-Amalgamation.

-Oh.

-It's me, too.

Part of the character is

based on myself in a way.

It's... It's, um...

Uh, how... How... How is that?

To be perfectly blunt,

I'd wanted to cast

a person who looks, well,

-who looks like that, ideally.

-Hmm.

But it's... It's hard.

You get fixated on this idea,

and, um, if it's not right,

it's not right.

You had someone

specific in mind.

The question is,

do you cast someone

with a condition even though

it's not the right fit?

Is it wrong to cast someone

because of their disfigurement?

Exploitative even?

Will people come to gawk?

Where's the ethical line?

You know, it's funny

because, um,

Edward has this awkwardness

in his own skin,

and it's kind of brilliant

in a way,

seeing you who looks like you,

but you're not yourself.

You have this mask,

this other persona,

and it creates

this dissonance,

and it just...

It clicked for me.

It was strangely affecting.

It was like seeing

my own creation come to life.

[CHUCKLING]

-Oh, hey, Mr. Sablosky.

-Hey.

INGRID: He's blind.

Shoes off please.

-Not the bag.

-What?

-[CHUCKLES] Just kidding.

-[EDWARD LAUGHS]

Just put it on the floor.

Is this where you,

uh, you do your writing?

INGRID: Oh, I never used it.

I'm not sure it even works.

[OBJECTS CLATTERING]

[CLACKING]

-Seems to work.

-INGRID: Hmm. It's yours.

Give it a proper home.

[CLEARS THROAT]

What...

Where did it come from?

Looks Italian.

-[CLEARS THROAT]

-[CAT MEOWS]

Psst, psst, psst, psst.

-[CAT MEOWS]

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Who... Who is this?

-C. Pulaski.

-C. Pulaski.

-C. Pulaski.

-EDWARD: Yeah.

-Hey.

-Oh.

-[EDWARD CHUCKLES]

-[INGRID MIMICS MEOWING]

[CHUCKLES]

You hungry?

-[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

-g*dd*mn her.

-Ugh!

-Who... Who is that?

It's this intolerable

old hag down there.

You can't even walk

barefoot in here.

Okay.

-There's the bar.

-Oh, I've had enough.

Make me something.

-Ooh.

-[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Ooh. [CHUCKLES]

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

[EDWARD CLEARS THROAT]

[POURING DRINK]

How long have you lived here?

["HITTIN' ON NOTHIN" BY

IRMA THOMAS PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

[EDWARD CHUCKLES]

Hmm.

I don't think

the old hag's gonna...

-[INGRID CHUCKLES]

-...like that.

Well, what's worse?

Me having to tiptoe

around not to upset

the sensitive b*tch,

or her having to live

with such a noisy

little b*tch upstairs?

I would rather live

in a house all by myself.

That's not an answer.

[EDWARD CLEARS THROAT]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

-Cops after you?

-What?

-You're jumpy.

-I startle easily.

Yeah. Nervous Nelly.

You think it's the b*tch?

-Hey.

-CARL: I'm sorry.

I was just in the borough.

I thought I'd drop in.

INGRID: You don't live here.

What are you doing here?

I can see you're

as excited to see me

-as I am to see you.

-INGRID: Yes, Carl.

[CARL MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

INGRID: It's not a game.

It's... It's over.

I'm sorry, Carl.

I have someone here.

CARL: Yeah, right here.

I'm here

to come in, say hello.

INGRID: I have

a visitor. Okay?

CARL: What...

What does that mean?

A... A delivery person?

INGRID: No.

You know what that means.

Don't act stupid.

-You know what I mean.

-CARL: Okay.

[CARL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

-Bah!

-[EDWARD SHUDDERS

AND SIGHS]

[CHUCKLES] I had to do that.

Who was... Who was that?

Jilted lover.

-EDWARD: Hmm.

-So many jilted lovers.

I leave a trail

of tragedy in my wake.

I warned you.

The sad reality is

my face is fragile.

And it's imperative

that I conduct my life

based upon this fact.

When in doubt, live in fear.

That's my mantra.

Stay out of ballrooms,

or crowded places in general.

Be nice to people.

Be deferential.

Be the bigger man.

Argue if I must,

and I mustn't really,

only from a safe distance.

Or under the protection

of some powerful friend,

if I even had one

and if he could

then be relied upon.

I tell myself,

"Edward, don't call

attention to yourself."

It's a useless ad... Ad...

It's a useless advice.

Eh...

Oh, pardon the, uh, intrusion.

I met this casting director,

unique and unusual

physiognomies is

his specialty.

And he told me about

this interesting play,

you're auditioning for,

and thought I could

potentially be a perfect fit.

So I'm no actor,

but I thought,

let's come down here,

give it a gander.

And from the tidbit

I've just seen,

seems like

a rather curious piece.

But alas,

I see the role is filled,

and rather ably, I must say.

So congrats to all involved.

And best of luck.

Break a leg, as they say.

I'll be sure to see it

when it comes out.

Take care.

[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]

Wait. Wait, wait.

-What?

-Wait. Hold on.

[INGRID BREATHING HEAVILY]

You have the mask?

What?

Put it on.

-Why?

-Just do what I tell you.

You don't wanna look at me?

Come on. It's my creation.

[OBJECTS CLATTERING]

EDWARD: Hmm.

[INGRID BREATHING HEAVILY]

[EDWARD BREATHING HEAVILY]

[EDWARD BREATHING HEAVILY]

-[EDWARD MOANS]

-[LAUGHS] No, stop.

[LAUGHING]

EDWARD: What's the problem?

This is so f*cked up.

What do you mean?

[LAUGHING]

You look ridiculous.

I just wanna say a toast

to the man who sold

the Cortland property,

finally.

-King of 'em all.

-MARIANA: Ah.

NICK: sh*t h*le

with half a bathroom.

-[MARIANA CHUCKLES]

-Chin-chin, my little man.

-Chin-chin, indeed.

-OSWALD: Edward.

Hey, you probably don't

remember me.

-We met back at the, um...

-[SNAPS FINGERS]

...theatre. Oswald.

-I...

-NICK: Edward?

-NICK: I'm sorry. Edward?

-Um, hi.

-NICK: Sorry, what? Edward?

-It's... It's nothing.

OSWALD: Ooh, you're

only Edward on the telly.

Sorry, awful joke.

What do you go by

in the civilian world?

-Guy.

-MARIANA: Guy Moratz.

NICK: Fabio is

what I call him.

CLAY: Do you wanna

pull up a seat, Oswald?

OSWALD: I've got

a few moments, sure.

CLAY: This is all very,

very mysterious.

What secret intel have you got

about our enigmatic friend?

Only that

your dear friend, Mr. Moratz,

is starring in a soon-to-be,

classic theatrical production.

Star? Like as an actor?

EDWARD: No, it's... It's...

It's a small, uh, production.

-Uh, play. Um...

-Uh-huh. Okay.

Well, thank you so much

for telling me.

It makes me feel

very close to you.

-It's hard to, um, it, it's...

-Your friend plays a man

with a d*sfigured face.

Name of Edward.

NICK: d*sfigured face?

And he dons

a very convincing mask.

Well, it's still being

perfected.

It's a prototype.

It's a sort of

a Beauty and the Beast yarn.

That's one way

of looking at it.

NICK: I love

Beauty and the Beast.

-No. Well, it's called...

-It's called just Edward,

which presumably means that

you are the star of the show.

CLAY: Our Guy,

a Broadway star?

-Off-Broadway.

-Off-Broadway, Broadway.

OSWALD: His first step

on the road to glory.

NICK: Show business.

OSWALD: I saw

a little bit of it,

and I was gobsmacked.

You were leading

a double life, and I knew it.

He's cheating on us,

that's what he's doing.

I... I'm getting the feeling

I've messed things

up for you tonight.

CLAY: Yeah, you've outed him.

Look how embarrassed he is.

-EDWARD: I'm not...

-Little bashful, you are...

MARIANA: He's

always embarrassed.

He's this little, like,

Nervous Nelly,

-I always call him, you know?

-NICK: Well, you should

see him when he gets bashful

like the seven dwarfs.

Would you like

a drink, Oswald?

OSWALD: I...

Actually, I have to skedaddle.

But it was lovely meeting

all of you. And a thousand...

And a thousand apologies

if I caused

any discomfiture at all.

-It wasn't my place to...

-CLAY: No, no, no.

...to reveal your secret.

-Oh, it's... [CHUCKLES]

-I will hopefully meet

all of you again,

and I will see you,

my friend, on stage,

cheering from the front row.

Take care.

Lovely meeting you all.

NICK: Bye, bye, Oswald.

OSWALD: I'm mortified

by my recklessness,

and I hope this doesn't

come between us.

I just wanted

to make sure you knew

how much I enjoyed

your performance.

-Take care, Guy.

-MARIANA: When is it?

-I mean, can we come?

-NICK: Does it have

your little pock mark...

CLAY: I like

that guy's accent.

-Is he from around here?

-NICK: So, Edward...

-Don't call me that.

-NICK: [CHUCKLES] Edward.

It's a cute name

on you, first of all.

I just don't understand.

He talks...

He speaks

to the audience in...

In these long

philosophical monologues,

and then when he talks

to Fiona,

-he's monosyllabic.

-Yeah. You want more lines?

You can barely remember

the ones you have.

And why does he have

to be so grateful to her?

-Just because he has this...

-INGRID: He's not grateful!

He's so indebted to her

just for talking to him?

No. He's nervous

because he hasn't

had a lot of experience.

How do you know what kind

of experience he's had?

-Are you f*cking kidding me?

-Maybe he's had a rich life.

-We don't know his backstory.

-I know the backstory

of my own character,

thank you very much.

And then he has

to go k*ll himself,

'cause, of course,

he's so depressed

-because he's deformed.

-Look who I ran into.

Guy, my fellow!

Ah, it's good

to see you again.

INGRID: Do you know

each other?

Uh, yeah. I drunkenly

descended upon Guy,

and his real estate mates

at the pub.

-Real estate mates?

-OSWALD: Lovely bunch.

I forgot to say, I'm looking

for a place of my own.

Oh, sorry. Oswald.

-INGRID: I'm Ingrid.

-Ah, the marvelous scribe.

-INGRID: And director.

-Ah, la maestra.

INGRID: Um, and this is Fiona,

who plays Iris.

-OSWALD: Hey.

-Good to meet you.

Uh, and yeah, you met Vivian.

-OSWALD: Of course.

-Yeah.

Uh, I don't know if this

is okay with you, I...

Would you like

to stay and watch?

OSWALD: Oh, I'm...

I'm developing

somewhat of a reputation

of intruding

-where I'm not wanted.

-[VIVIAN CHUCKLES]

No, not at all, really.

It will be

nerve-wracking for us.

The play's still very nascent.

-[OSWALD CHUCKLES]

-Nothing is set in stone.

OSWALD: Oh, everyone's so

self-conscious in showbiz.

-I love it.

-INGRID: Yes.

OSWALD: Though I am intrigued

by this whole process,

I have to admit.

INGRID: Um, well,

if you're not too busy.

OSWALD: No. I mean, I've just

had Jiu-Jitsu practice,

-so I'm a bit sweaty.

-Oh, wow.

OSWALD: But other than that,

I was just gonna sit

in the park and read my book.

-INGRID: What are you reading?

-The Bluest Eye,

-by Toni Morrison.

-That's one

-of my favorite books!

-OSWALD: Really? Oh, no way.

It just so happens I was

inspired by Guy to pick it up.

He's got these

piercing blue eyes.

And when I first saw them,

I was like,

"Ah, that reminds me."

Really? I never noticed

your eyes, Guy.

-Okay. Sit anywhere you want.

-OSWALD: Cool.

It will be boring,

stopping and starting.

OSWALD: You won't

know I'm here.

-Yeah, scene 16.

-Sixteen.

Yeah, just from the top.

Okay, and then, it's, uh...

Okay. [MUMBLING]

OSWALD: I was sad when he

offed himself in the end.

INGRID: Yeah, well,

it's a tragedy.

OSWALD: I mean, I know

There's... There's nothing

can really be done about it.

And I really like Edward.

A rather passive chap.

Well, of course,

till the suicide.

But honestly,

I was really hoping

Edward, and, uh, Fiona,

would live happily ever after.

-Oh, yeah.

-But then,

would the audience

believe that?

FIONA: I love your accent.

OSWALD: [CHUCKLES]

I get that a lot.

You yanks love my mellifluous

lyrical stylings.

-[ALL CHUCKLING]

-OSWALD: But back at home,

I'm just a bloke.

No one pays any attention

to me at all.

[GASPS] Oh, my God.

We should have

Edward have an accent.

I reckon the critics

would find it

a really classy endeavor.

-That's a great idea.

-Do it.

-Guy speak like Oswald.

-I... I can't. I can't.

-Sure you can.

-Come on. 'Ello mate.

'Ello mate.

INGRID: Yeah.

OSWALD: Yeah, yeah, look.

How's... How's

the old lady doin'?

[IN BRITISH ACCENT]

Uh, how's the old lady doing?

INGRID: That's horrible.

OSWALD: I mean...

OSWALD: It needs

some refinement,

but we'll get you there.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] You do

an American accent.

[IN AMERICAN ACCENT]

I coulda been a contender.

-INGRID AND FIONA: Yeah!

-Adrienne!

-Yes!

-I am not a crook.

INGRID: Wow, that's amazing.

Why can't you do that?

OSWALD: [IN NORMAL VOICE]

You're not playing

-Master Harold after all.

-INGRID: I guess they didn't

teach you accents at Julliard.

OSWALD: Really, Guy.

I had an affinity

for accents as a child,

like moving around a lot,

and it just, sort of,

blossomed into one

of my many useless talents.

What's your other talents?

Ooh, well, I can yodel.

Yodel-aye-ee-hoo!

I can juggle. I can sing.

I can play sax,

though I'm no Coltrane.

And I'm learning to weave.

-I'm ashamed to say.

-Oh, what can't you do?

-I mean, I can't whistle.

-I can teach you.

[INGRID WHISTLES] You just...

BOTH: Put your lips

together and blow!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, I can't drive

that well either.

INGRID: Can you act?

[PAPERS RUSTLING]

[INGRID MURMURING]

EDWARD: What time is it?

INGRID: He's right.

Edward is too passive.

What does he know

about Edward?

INGRID: I made him a victim.

I fell into

the most obvious trap.

What is he supposed

to be? A hero?

An inspiration?

INGRID: He's...

He's just Edward.

Look, you said it yourself.

You wanted more lines.

And then you got mad at me.

-But if Oswald says it then...

-Come on.

EDWARD: The guy

who k*lled Lincoln.

-INGRID: What?

-Oswald.

INGRID: Oswald k*lled Kennedy.

Whatever. Lincoln, right?

A disgruntled actor

k*lled Lincoln,

right there

in the theater, right?

Hinkley.

INGRID: Booth.

Right there in the booth.

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

MURRAY: I'm sorry.

This must feel

very dehumanizing.

Uh-oh. It's very fragile.

No! Leave me alone!

Don't touch me!

But I was only trying to...

Yes! You're always trying

to be helpful, aren't you?

Yes! Uh...

Uh, I...

I don't want your pity!

You, you... I...

I know you dis...

I disgust you!

-FIONA: That isn't true.

-You don't think I know

what all your...

All your little friends

[HESITATES] say about me?

"Why are you hanging out

with that, with that freak?

"He's gonna get

the wrong idea."

Well, you're

the worst out of all them!

Ah! Ah... I don't...

I don't care about your caring

and kindness and fussing!

f*ck. [SIGHS]

I hate you.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Sir Guy.

What are you...

What are you doing here?

Yoga in the park.

Do you do yoga?

-No.

-Oh, you should try it.

It's really therapeutic.

-Yeah.

-I mean, off the record,

it's a bit of a chore,

but they say it's good

for your withering body.

I think I'm feeling

the benefits,

but maybe it's a placebo.

I don't know.

Oh, would you look at that.

[PROFOUND MUSIC PLAYING]

[OSWALD LAUGHING]

I floated lonely down

the street one day...

OSWALD: Oh, I almost forgot.

They did

the mock-up today. Right?

[KARAOKE PERFORMANCE

CONTINUES]

Latex isn't it? How'd it go?

You heard about that?

Yeah, Ingrid was

quite stressy about it.

-Did it come off?

-What?

Did it have

the desired effect?

-Well, it's still a...

-Work in progress. Right?

Gonna take a bit of refinement

to get it spot on.

That's what Murray said,

the makeup artist.

Did you know

he's half Northern Irish?

He said that's

the most complicated thing

he's ever worked on.

I can't wait

to see it in action.

Part of me wants to

wait till opening night

so I get hit

by the full effect of it,

but I still think

I'll swing by tomorrow.

Ingrid wants some

feedback on the new pages,

and it's always nice

to see the g*ng.

You don't work?

OSWALD: Frankly, I don't work.

I made some lucky investments

when I was at university

before running off

to Tangiers with my professor.

Right now I'm looking

for a place in the city,

which is why I thought

I'd sit down

and have a chat with you.

-So...

-SADIE: Look who it is.

Can I believe my eyes?

Oswald, you owe me dinner.

I'm so ashamed.

[CHUCKLES] Hi. I'm Sadie.

-Hey.

-SADIE: Hmm.

Oh, this is Guy.

He's a masterful actor.

Oh, no. I have

bad luck with actors.

We are working

on a play together.

You never stop, do you?

[CHUCKLES] Oswald is

one of my favorite people

in the world.

How about I call you,

say next week?

[CHUCKLES] I'll believe it

when I see it.

[SADIE WHISPERING

INDISTINCTLY]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Nice to meet you, Guy.

Watch out for this one.

-[KARAOKE PERFORMANCE ENDS]

-[CROWD APPLAUDING]

-Who was that?

-I mean, I know how it looks.

Just don't get any ideas.

EMCEE ON MIC:

Next up, we have Oswald.

-Cheer me on, good sir.

-EMCEE: Oswald.

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

OSWALD: Sitting here

In this chair

Waiting on you

Oh, baby to see things my way

But not a word do you say

You won't even look my way

Girl, I'm spending my dimes

Wasting my time

Talking 'til

I'm black and blue

Oh, can't you see

I wanna get next to you

Dreams of you

and I go sailing by

Whenever your eyes

meet mine

You're so fine

And girl you make me feel

so insecure

You're so beautiful and pure

Why must you be unkind

And tell me I'm not your kind

Blowing my mind

Girl my, my money

is low and I know

[LAUGHING]

That I can't take you

to the fancy places

You might wanna go

EDWARD: I'm not Edward anymore?

Oh, no, you are,

just after his transformation.

What is he talking about?

INGRID: Well,

I've been thinking,

and to your credit, Guy,

you were right,

and Oswald, too.

The suicide was ludicrous.

This wasn't meant

to be a tragic love story.

Why can't they be happy?

And then Oswald

and I were talking about

Beauty and the Beast

and how he, in the end,

-becomes a beautiful prince.

-A prince?

OSWALD: And you are

that prince.

And you are the beast?

OSWALD: No, no,

I'm not the beast.

I'm Edward. This isn't

Beauty and the Beast.

That was just

by way of explaining.

[SCOFFS] Okay.

I don't understand

how he transforms.

How, how... [CHUCKLES]

-How is this possible?

-He doesn't transform.

Not literally.

OSWALD: She just sees

him differently.

EDWARD: Why?

You know how we idealize

people when we're in love?

So I'm the idealized version

of Oswald?

OSWALD: No, no.

Not me, of Edward.

Why can't it just be him?

Why does she have to idealize

him so he's somebody he isn't?

INGRID: Well, frankly, Guy,

to keep you in the play.

Look, this is hard for me,

but I really need Oswald

to be Edward,

and he refused

unless there was

a part for you,

because he loves you

and he didn't want it to be

like he was replacing you.

You should really be

thanking Oswald.

This is my decision.

I had to beg him to do it.

Look, it's not you Guy.

It's... It's the whole...

The mask, the makeup.

It's a total bust.

And Oswald, I mean...

Ingrid insisted.

And I have to admit,

this does feel like

a uniquely rare opportunity

for a role that I was

arguably born to play.

You're selling yourself short.

You could play Hamlet.

[CHUCKLES] She's such

a canny director,

flattering me like that.

Frankly, Guy,

we've been making

all these changes

and you've been having

a hard time,

memorizing your new lines.

I haven't. I just...

-It's a process.

-Whereas, Oswald,

has photographic memory.

I mean, sure I have

photographic memory,

technically,

but will that come in handy

-in this situation?

-You already know your lines.

I know my lines,

sure, but can I act?

-That is the question.

-You can. He can.

You've seen it.

We've all seen it.

Oswald's a natural.

If it's right, it's right.

You... You know the lines?

You, you've seen him act?

When... When did

all this happen?

When he's been giving

me feedback.

OSWALD: Guy, you're

a masterful actor,

which is why

this is so tragic.

I really don't know what

the ethical thing to do is.

The right thing to do is

for you to take the role,

and you still get

to play Edward, Guy,

just transformed.

And you don't have

to hide your face

behind that idiotic thing.

You, you get more recognition.

-For one scene.

-But what a scene.

-The finale.

-No one's gonna believe

that Edward looks like him

and then suddenly

he just looks like me.

-Magic!

-EDWARD: But she loves him

for who he is. If he changes,

then who is he then?

INGRID: Same person.

OSWALD: Same bloke, new face.

EDWARD: That's

a different person!

VIVIAN: It's

a metaphorical change.

Right out

of Beauty and the Beast.

She loves him,

therefore, voila,

he appears

more beautiful to her.

But he has to pretend

to be a beast

to prove her love.

He doesn't wanna be

loved for his looks.

No, she loves him

because he's a beast.

Or in spite

of his beastliness.

They're talking

about you like you're a beast.

We're talking about Edward.

Edward is not a beast.

Oh, no. Heavens, no.

But if we are gonna be using

Beauty and the Beast

as our

hypothetical comparison,

well, let's just all start

being honest

with ourselves, old friend.

[INGRID SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

VIVIAN: I'll put it

on my calendar.

-EDWARD: Hey.

-Okay, great, yeah.

-What?

-Let's go home.

-Let's have a drink.

-EDWARD: Mmm.

-Don't be mopey.

-I'm not thirsty.

Come or go. It's up to you.

Come on.

Come on. Come for one.

OSWALD: At first,

the thought terrified me,

having my face disseminated

to screens across the world,

that no matter what the hour,

people were seeing me,

were laughing at me,

were horrified by me.

And that even when I'm gone,

my image would remain

for others to despise.

But then, this idea

gave me some comfort.

That if it wasn't me

they were laughing at,

if I had not been known,

if I had not had

to face my tormentors,

they'd be laughing

at someone else,

someone different.

[FIONA CHUCKLES]

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

BELCHER: Hey, you were

in the show, weren't you?

I loved it. Congratulations.

-Hi. Ron Belcher.

-Thanks.

That guy's amazing, right?

I... I gotta be

honest with you,

I thought it was makeup.

I was saying to my wife...

It's actually our anniversary.

That's her over there.

I was saying to her,

"How'd they do that make-up?"

"Right? What is that?

Some kind of polymer, right?"

"Where'd they get

the budget for this?"

But she says to me,

"I think that's his face."

And I said,

"No, babe, you're nuts.

"That's gotta be

some sort of get-up."

Like the whole time

I'm watching the show,

I'm sitting there thinking,

"Is that real or is it

some kind of weird effect?"

I mean, I couldn't

believe it either way.

Man, I didn't know what

I even wanted it to be.

So what was it like, uh,

working with him?

I guess underneath

all that, right,

he's just a regular guy.

Wonder if the guy that

wrote the play,

knew him before he wrote it,

or if he just came up

with a character like that

on his own and just hoped

the right guy would

come along by chance.

Right? Seems risky to me.

Right? How do you go about

finding that guy, right?

Looks exactly

how you envision.

He can act too, right?

I mean, how do you

even describe him?

What if they wanna put

the show on in Boise?

Like to fly that guy out?

What if he's dead?

They have to find

the Idaho version of him.

I don't know,

would a mask work?

Is that gonna be convincing?

Would another guy

with some other affliction,

do just as well?

I don't know.

Maybe they just cast,

uh, you know, regular guy

like you, right?

Or me, right? The way they do

Shakespeare now

with Black people, right?

That puts a different kind

of spin on it.

So I'm thinking all this

stuff during the show, right?

I mean, to be honest with you,

three hours ago,

I'm saying to myself,

"Do I really wanna go

"and sit in

an un-air conditioned theater,

"for God knows how long,

"to see some little play

I've never heard of?"

But it's our anniversary.

And now I'm thinking

all this sh*t,

so that's how I know

it's an interesting play.

Whoa!

[CUP CLANKS ON TABLE]

-Goddammit.

-[COFFEE DRIPPING]

[SIGHS]

Bloody hell.

Bollocks. Bollocks.

f*ck.

Look, you said it yourself.

How can he become you?

You're nothing alike.

It's not believable,

and it's not necessary.

She loves him for who he is.

It was contrived.

I still think the idea

is theoretically sound.

Though,

what we didn't count on,

and this might just stem

from me being a novice,

is that the audience has

just spent two hours,

rooting for Edward.

Which, in this particular

iteration, is me.

If someone else

then walks out and goes,

"Oh, I'm Edward now,"

even if it's

Sir Kenneth Branagh,

or whomever,

the audience

will feel cheated.

We've broken

our pact with them.

They'll rightly rebel.

Look, I still wanna

be friends,

and I'll keep you in mind

for future projects.

The mask is mine.

I'm keeping it.

OSWALD: I've always liked

that mask.

Brilliant mask.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

OSWALD: You know what I think?

I think Les Mis is

a masterpiece.

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Uh, The Book of Mormon is

hysterically funny.

-[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

-[INGRID CHUCKLES]

INGRID: What are you...

Do you have any plans for...

[BANGING]

Where's the blind guy?

What are you doing here?

-Why are you so upset?

-Why are you here?

Why was Oswald here?

How... How'd you...

What business is that

of yours?

I know because I know.

I was passing by and...

I don't have to explain

myself to you.

What do you know about him?

Hmm? Who is he?

Is his name even Oswald?

'Cause let me

tell you something,

he's got a kid and a girl.

He was kissing

this other girl,

and they were walking

in the park.

He's leading a double life.

What do you think of that?

Well, first of all,

that's Jolie,

Oswald's ex-wife and mother

to his daughter, Kelly.

And they're still

really good friends.

And as it happens,

Oswald is moving in there.

Mr. Sablosky had an accident,

and Oswald's been needing

a place to stay.

I don't even know why

I'm bothering

to explain this to you.

We don't have anything more

to say to each other.

I'm sorry.

[SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE]

[THUDDING]

What the f*ck are you doing?

You gotta get

the f*ck outta here, man.

[MIMICKING OSWALD] Oh, well,

I happen to be Edward now.

And this here is Guy.

Guy...

he's a masterful actor.

Thank you man! Yes.

Yes, you are...

Kenneth Branagh.

Come on. Come along, now.

Chop, chop.

Chop, chop, shake a leg.

Shake a leg.

What do you think?

[VOCALIZING] Hoo!

Is it smashing?

Or is it smashing?

Do you like

this room, little girl?

I know it's quite small

and petite like you.

It's a room where you

can do anything you want.

You know that right?

Do you know Peppa Pig? Hmm?

Aw, she's a little nervous.

She's shy.

[LAUGHING]

Don't cry, don't sigh

There's a silver lining

In the sky

[SIGHS] Naturally,

it's a bit disappointing,

but I really do hope

we can all remain friendly.

I harbor no ill feelings.

Let us keep our hatreds

for the common enemy.

[OBJECTS CLATTERING]

Cheers!

Thank you.

-Can you...

-EDWARD: Much obliged!

-MARIANA: Okay.

-Jesus. Unplug it.

[EDWARD GRUNTS]

Righty then.

Fear, is a reaction.

Courage, is a decision.

I'll miss you

most all, darling.

-CLAY: What the f*ck?

-Ta-ta, for now!

FIONA: Maybe we'll ride

to glory together.

OSWALD: Whatever you say,

my darling.

EDWARD: Excuse me, old chap.

I think you're

kissing my girl!

Ah, it appears my understudy,

has had a bit

too much to drink.

EDWARD: Understudy?

No, no, no, no.

Maybe we could talk

about this after the...

No, no, no. No, understudy.

-After the performance.

-EDWARD: I'm Edward!

OSWALD: You...

EDWARD: You're not Edward.

OSWALD: Okay, you're Edward.

EDWARD: No, no, no.

OSWALD: You're Edward.

EDWARD: This is my red door.

-This is my couch.

-OSWALD: You're Edward.

EDWARD: These are my lines!

Come here!

-You stole my life!

-[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]

EDWARD: Get off me!

-He's got everything!

-OSWALD: What the hell, Guy!

-EDWARD: No! I'm Edward!

-Calm down,

-and we can talk about this.

-EDWARD: I'm Edward.

Okay, okay.

Okay, let go! Let go!

I'm gonna leave.

I'm gonna leave.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

OSWALD: Everything's fine.

If you sit down, we can talk.

EDWARD: No!

-[GRUNTING]

-[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]

EDWARD: Take yours off!

-Take yours off!

-Take what off?

-Take yours off!

-Take what off?

-[EDWARD GRUNTING]

-[OBJECTS CLATTERING]

Get over here!

-[GRUNTING] Ahhh!

-[THUDS]

[GROANS]

[SET PIECE SQUEAKING]

OSWALD: Guy.

[CEILING CREAKING]

-[CEILING CLANKS]

-[EDWARD YELPS]

-[CROWD GASPING

AND SHOUTING]

-OSWALD: No!

-Oh my God. Guy!

-[INGRID GASPS]

Oh, no. What have I done?

What have I done?

-[CRASHING]

-[PEOPLE SHOUTING]

No! Guy! No, Guy!

[CRYING] What have I done?

I don't know my own strength.

Guy! Guy.

[PLATES CLATTERING]

ACTOR: I know

I keep saying it, man,

but it is such an honor.

OSWALD: Oh, truly,

the honor is all ours.

INGRID: We couldn't be

more excited.

ACTOR: I mean,

frankly, I think

-you should be playing it.

-OSWALD: Oh, no.

-I wouldn't dream of it.

-ACTOR: No, honestly, I think

you got something special.

Real charisma.

I mean, it takes a name

to get these things funded,

as you know.

But I want you to know,

it's important to me

to get it right.

And that's why I wanted

to spend some time with you,

and, you know, uh,

not study really,

but observe, ask questions.

Ah, research,

-as they say in the biz.

-ACTOR: Mmm-hmm.

OSWALD: Well, I think

it's important for you

to interpret this as you want.

ACTOR: Right.

OSWALD: I mean, Edward was

envisioned by Ingrid,

and what I was doing earlier,

Guy here completely pioneered.

ACTOR: Right on.

OSWALD: I'm interpreting Guy,

interpreting Ingrid.

And you're just

the next and final step

in the evolutionary process.

ACTOR: Yeah,

that's really cool.

I'd love to ask you

some questions, too.

Really cool. Kind of

a collaborative thing.

Will they be using some...

Some mask

-or makeup of some sort?

-Why?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Uh, I don't know.

It's beyond my pay grade.

I'm... I'm not really part

of those discussions.

They can do a lot

these days to make it

look real.

Pretty real.

But, you know,

I don't worry about that stuff.

I think as long as I do

my job getting Edward right,

it'll come through.

-The rest is just icing.

-OSWALD: Very true.

ACTOR: Cheers. Mmm.

INGRID: Cheers.

ACTOR: Hmm.

[PLAYING SAXOPHONE]

-[NICK AND OSWALD GRUNTING]

-[CROWD CHEERING ON VIDEO GAME]

[KELLY MUMBLING]

NICK: It's not working.

-[CHEERING CONTINUES]

-[BELL RINGING]

[NICK SIGHS AND EXHALES]

-OSWALD: Whoo!

-f*ck!

-f*ck.

-Number one.

NICK: That's

a cool typewriter.

OSWALD: You can have it.

MAN ON TV: I wish

I had a woman, too,

walking with me under the moon

and holding my arm

and smiling,

and then I dream and I forget.

And then I see the shadow

of my profile on the wall.

["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING

OVER SPEAKERS]

MAN: There you go. Step in.

Good man.

Other foot. Perfect.

All right. Nice and easy,

here we go.

One foot after the other.

-Perfect. Rock on.

-Gonna go shopping.

-Anyone need anything?

-Uh, no, thanks.

I'm heading out.

You guys need anything?

-I just asked.

-[OSWALD CHUCKLING]

Well, if something changes,

give me a call.

I'm gonna get out your hair.

-I'll walk you out.

-I'll be back around 8:00.

Toodle-oo.

[DOOR OPENS]

-[DOOR CLOSES]

-What the f*ck is

going on in here?

What's going on with his face?

f*ck, I mean, is he rich

or something?

[CHUCKLES]

Like, what does she...

Is she...

[CHUCKLES] That's

the craziest sh*t I ever saw.

Forgot my headphones.

Sorry, sorry.

You guys carry right on.

No problem, boss.

You know, let's pause

for a second,

I gotta take a leak.

Keep going. Just put one foot

in front of the other.

A day or two ago

I thought I'd take a ride

And soon Miss Fanny Bright

was seated by my side

The horse was lean

and lank...

[TOILET FLUSHING]

[DOOR OPENS]

And we, we got upsot

Jingle bells, jingle bells

jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is

to ride...

Hey, man,

do you mind if I grab

one of these seltzers?

[MAN GROANS]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[OBJECTS CLATTERING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[MAN COUGHS AND GAGS]

[CHOKING]

Oh, what fun it is to ride

In a one-horse

open sleigh, hey

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride

In a one-horse open sleigh

[COUGHING]

-[SONG ENDS]

-[MAN STOPS COUGHING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

I heard noises.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES]

[INMATES CHATTERING

INDISTINCTLY]

[BASKETBALL THUDDING

ON GROUND]

INMATE: Next shot, I got you.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING

CONTINUES]

-[BALL THUDS]

-INMATE: Oh!

[MUSIC FADES OUT]

[CAR HONKING]

Hey man, nice shoes.

Where's Fort Lee, man?

New Jersey.

Where's your manners?

Man, you must have had

some ugly parents.

I hope you die of cancer,

and your ugly children

die of cancer.

And your whole

ugly bloodline of, uh,

ugly degenerates

wiped off the face

of God's beautiful earth.

Nice shoes, man.

Nice shoes.

OSWALD: Do I believe my eyes?

Yeah, we adopted Lucy, her...

Her daughter.

And, uh, it's crazy

to even say it.

She's in grad school now.

She is.

Oh, you have to come

and see the play, Guy.

-Don't pressure him.

-He wants to come.

-Right, Guy?

-Oh, yeah, of course.

When... When are

you free? Tonight?

-When... What time?

-8:00 p.m., sharp.

-All right.

-You can sit with me.

-You're not in it?

-[CHUCKLES] No.

No, I'm no actor.

I mean, sure, Edward.

But that whole thing was...

What a piece of sh*t.

I don't even allow people

to perform that anymore.

OSWALD: No, no, no.

It was your precocious

early work,

and it brought us together,

so it served that noble cause.

INGRID: Thank God,

they didn't make that movie.

OSWALD: Oh, I was

so disappointed.

I really wanted to see

that guy try and play me.

But anyway, it's brilliant

we bumped into you,

'cause we're actually

moving away next month

when the play wraps.

Where? Where are you going?

To Canada.

A place called Shepperton.

Have you heard of it?

It could be described

as a nudist colony.

Yeah. It's only a part of it.

Small part of it.

But yeah,

basically we'll be...

OSWALD: As God intended.

Why?

Well, it's a long story.

We met this woman

-when we were...

-Going through the Andes.

Yeah. And it turns out

she's this incredible person

with followers and all that.

And it's kind of this

ecological philosophy.

Mmm-hmm.

And... And... And free love.

-Yes, but also it's...

-And LSD.

-Sometimes, yeah, but it's...

-Yep. Have you done LSD, Guy?

Wha... What about

like bad trips?

OSWALD: Yeah, it's possible.

But it's all really down

to how you frame it, Guy.

[CHUCKLES] I don't think

he could handle it.

Yeah. He just needs someone

to lead him through it is all.

-Which I can do.

-INGRID: Recently certified.

And what about your kids?

OSWALD: No.

INGRID: Yeah, no.

They say it's a cult.

OSWALD: Yeah. I mean,

you probably think

it's a cult, too, right?

EDWARD: Well, I...

I guess it sounds

-a little like a cult.

-I mean, yeah, sure,

if you paint it in

like broad brush strokes.

But it's... It's really

quite leaderless.

But what about this,

uh, Andes woman,

-isn't she like the leader?

-Founder.

Yes, she set it all in motion.

But it's... It's...

She's not a guru in the...

Well, she's sort of a guru.

Yes. She's a guru

in the pure sense.

Yeah, see we can't talk

about it without sounding...

Absolutely bonkers.

-EDWARD: Mmm.

-Yeah. But honestly,

It's... It's... It's paradise.

Actual paradise.

-Like utopia.

-Yeah, utopia.

-Closest thing to it.

-Yeah.

EDWARD: And what

about your career?

Well, I've accomplished

everything I've ever wanted...

I'm... I'm ready

for the next phase.

I mean, all she wants

to do now,

is take LSD

and f*ck all the time.

-I mean, you know...

-[EDWARD CHUCKLES]

OSWALD: Enough about us,

what's going on with you?

-Tell us everything.

-Yeah.

Well, I mean. [EXHALES]

I don't know. Um...

Do we know

what we would like tonight?

[INGRID CLEARS THROAT]

What are you thinking, Edward?

Uh, you... You go ahead.

I'm... I'm still, um...

Okay. Well, we're celebrating,

so we're gonna need

some more sake.

Let's do another bottle

of the Dassai Hayata.

And for the table, the wakame,

the agedashi tofu,

and he needs

to try the uni toast.

And an order

of the hamachi kama, why not.

And for my entree,

let's go

with the wagyu flight.

INGRID: A miso black cod

for me, please. Thank you.

SERVER: And for you sir?

Um...

Uh...

SERVER: Do you need a minute?

-Yeah. I, uh...

-[OSWALD CHUCKLING]

Oh, my old friend.

You haven't changed a bit.

[OSWALD AND EDWARD LAUGHING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES]

[MUSIC FADES OUT]