01x03 - Civil w*r

[bunniefuu]

Draw your swords.

Charge your pikes!

Muskets stand ready.

Give fire.

-Stand.

Medic! Medic!

Medic!

♪ There once was a place
with my little lovely ♪

♪ Whey, hey, h* ♪

♪ And I seek and I search,
and I know that I'll find it ♪

♪ Whey, hey, h* ♪

♪ I know the wind, she blows ♪

♪ I know the tides are low ♪

♪ But you'll find me at
the Whitepost ♪

♪ You'll find me
at the Whitepost ♪

I, uh, I got you this.

Thank you.

You alright?

Chief Inspector
Mike McGuire.

This is Sergeant Nikki Martel.

Uh, Keith Boyle.

I'm an accountant.

Talk us through what happened.


English Civil w*r,

the king was in the tower --

Today, Keith.

What happened today?

Sorry. Sorry.

I've no idea.

We take every precaution
during musket fire.

Every precaution.

Now, w-we do use real gunpowder.

-Real gunpowder?
-Well, of course.

But we stuff the barrels
with toilet paper.

And the cannons?

Same.

We take every precaution.

Yeah, more toilet paper.

Right, the victim?

The Earl of Norwich.

Sorry, Brian Armstrong.

Uh, former DCI Brian Armstrong.

He was -- He was one of yours.

Um, that's his wife,
Heidi, over there.

He only retired last month.

This was their first event.

.338 Lapua magnum?

Yes, sir.

That's not from a musket.

sn*per r*fle casings.

Yeah.

So the sh**ter waited
for the actors

to fire their muskets
and then...

Bang, bang. Two shots.

One to the head,
one to the chest.

Sound got lost
in the musket fire.

Right, send
the lover's army home.

This was a professional job.

We're looking for a hit man.

And whoever hired him.

Brian's ex-police.



It's a lot of arrests.

A lot of suspects.

Hmm.

You're gonna say it's the wife.

Was it too obvious?

-Too cliched.
-Nah.

Male know-it-all cop
makes misogynistic assumption.

She was smiling.

-She was in shock.
-And drinking tea.

She changed her clothes.

People react in different ways.

When your partner
gets their head blown off,

you scream and shout
and cry your eyes out,

you don't drink tea.

The case of the stolen
garden umbrella has been solved.

Were the victims right?

Oh, well, they blamed
the Ramonas next door.

And?

On the night of the
disappearance, Hurricane Norman.

Not much more than
a gust of wind

by the time it reached us,

but enough to blow an unweighted
umbrella all the way to Europe.

To Europe.

Oh, I know. The irony.

Disappearing umbrellas.

Not exactly cutting-edge
detective work, is it?

Well, if you can't be a cop,

the least you can do
is to date one.

Oh, very progressive.

And it's not a date.

It's not.
It's dinner with a friend.

Dinner with a single
male friend.

It's not a date.

So freeborn Nathanial Pimm
gave you his card?

I asked for it.

Keith Boyle at
musketballs.co.uk.

Yeah, looks like a laugh.

Civil w*r re-enactment?

Sad loners playing dress-up.

Oh, and your life's just one big
A-list party.

So back to the Bates Motel?

Some of us are going for a pint
if you want to come.

No, I can't. I'm, uh...

Oh, hold up, don't tell me
you've actually got plans?

Just meeting someone
for a drink.

-Like a date?
-It's not a date.

Sounds like a date.

It's no big deal.

-Alright?
Hiya.

-Two Oyster Stouts, please.
-Two Oysters?

Yeah.

They're not both for me,
by the way.

Are you drawing me?

Well, can you not?

Why?

Because it's weird.

It's Whitstable.

Come on then,
let's see it.

-It's not finished.
Let's have a look.

What the...?

Aw.

What the...?

It's actually quite good.

Well, 50 quid, a new top,
and it's yours.

It's not that good.

Uh.

Alright, guv?

So, we've had three different
women come to the station.

Brian was sleeping
with all of them.

They're gutted. Shouting, check.

Screaming, check. Tears, check.

None of them wanted
a cup of tea.

They're all certain that Brian
was going to leave Heidi,

and they all think
that she had him k*lled.

Uh.

Heidi?

Brian was police
for a long time.

He made a lot of enemies.

It made him a target.

When I got home,
our house felt different.

I know what you're going to say.

Everything's going to feel
different now.

It wasn't that.

Someone had been inside.

Well, how could you tell?

It was...

too tidy.

My clothes weren't hanging
in the right order.

The window in the bathroom
was open.

I'd shut it.

I know it.

What if they're after me too?

Then you should go
to the police.

Brian was cheating on me.

The police think I did it.

We've known each other
since cooking class.

I had high hopes for this place.

You'd just opened your B&B.

We wanted to learn
some gourmet recipes.

Hmm, and rinse the DFLs.

Remember how I couldn't bring
myself to boil that lobster?

I know you didn't k*ll Brian,
Heidi.

Find out who did.

And if I'm next.

Big brother's watching.

I'm glad.

-Okay. Right.

Okay.

-Ready?
-Yeah.

God.

Ohh. Ohh, Heidi.

Love, it's gonna be alright.

Honestly, it's gonna be alright.

Okay?

Heidi Armstrong hired me.

Is this why you wanted to meet?

I thought...

What?

That you wanted to talk
about last night.

-You stood me up.
-It wasn't like that.

You changed your mind.

Admit it.

Alright, I did, alright?

No, but I changed it back again.

I did show up.

When?

I was late.

Really late.

Listen, we think Heidi hired
someone to sh**t Brian.

Keep that nice police pension
all to herself.

Heidi made more at her B&B
in the summer

than Brian made
in his whole career.

Right, well, I'm just saying,

just keep your distance
from her.

She could be dangerous.

She's a sweetheart.

No, she's playing you.

I did a cooking class with her

and she couldn't
even boil a lobster.

Just leave this
to the professionals, alright?

I know her.

-And you don't.
-And I know guilt.

And Heidi's guilty.

Don't be so sure.

"Chief Inspector
Brian Armstrong

retires today
after 40 years of service.

A brave and dedicated officer.

Chief Inspector Armstrong
was a pillar

of the community,"
blah, blah, blah.

It doesn't mention him
shagging around?

Here's where it gets
interesting, the comments.

All left by the same person.

-"Scab, Judas, traitor."

So much for brotherly love.

Yeah.

Let's go and make some trouble.

Clive Armstrong?

I'm Chief Inspector
Mike McGuire.

This is Sergeant Nikki Martel.

Call me Kid.

Uh, you are an angry man, Kid.

-I stand by every word.
-Yeah?

You and Brian grew up here?

Five minutes from
North Cross Colliery.

The last pit to return
to work after the strike.

Yeah, you were police,
weren't you?

During the miner's strike?

I resigned. In protest.

What about Brian?

I haven't spoken to my brother
in 35 years.

Because of the strike?

Our mates were miners.

People we grew up with.

Brian attacked them.

He arrested them.

Families broke up,
people lost their homes,

and Brian got fast-tracked
for promotion.

Like I said, scab.

But you're still going
to his funeral?

To spit on his grave.

You're ex-police.
You have firearms training.

You want to know where I was
on the day Brian got shot?

Well?
-Right here.

Ask anyone.

How well do you know
Heidi Armstrong?

What number was she?

Brian's third wife.

Do you know her?

Not well.

Now, if you'd excuse me,

I've got a funeral to go to.

Bye. See you, Peter.

Kid was here on the day
Brian got shot.

Listen, go easy on Kid.

They fell out,
but he loved Brian.

"Brian Armstrong was a plague
on his community.

A scourge. A cancer."

Doesn't sound much like love.

That article made Brian
seem like a saint.

Kid was setting
the record straight.

He was speaking for all of us.

Hmm.

Thank you.

Last night, you had
Heidi bang to rights, and now...

We've got a whole town
full of suspects, yeah.

You reckon Karen was lying?

About Kid's alibi?

All the fanfare around
Brian's retirement,

it opened up old wounds.

Maybe Kid didn't just speak
for his community.

Yeah, maybe he acted for them.

Bit of a downer, this.
-It's a wake.

Yeah, but it's Brian Armstrong's
wake.

I thought there might
be a party.

You knew him?

Nasty piece of work.

Tried to arrest me once,
CND Rally.

What do you mean tried?

Pepper sprayed him in the face.

By the time he could see again,
I was long gone.

Does that mean I'm a suspect?

You know, Brian
was cheating on Heidi.

Creep.

Look at all these people.


who were here for Vinnie.

It's wrong.

You miss him, don't you?

Calamari's gonna burn.

Can I offer you a top up?

-Please.
Drinks?

It's a wake.

Have you seen Mum?

The calamari's gonna burn.

Mum?

Mum?

Mum?

This has to stop.

We can't stop.

Please.

No.

Not now.

I was looking for you.

Oh, yeah, I just needed
a bit of air.

Do you remember
that cooking class we did?

Yeah.

When you changed all our menus
from cod and chips

-to moules-frites.

And she did it with us.

Do you remember how she wouldn't
boil that lobster?

Yeah. I thought I'd have to
sign her up for PETA.

What did she do with it
after?

I can't remember.
Did she put it back in the sea?

Not exactly.

She turned off the gas, she put
a lid over the boiling water,

and she said k*lling it
like that would be inhumane.

Well, that's what I told Mike.

She's a sweetheart.

And then she picked up a hammer

and she bashed its brains in.

It's Heidi's.

There's someone there.

Heidi, lock your door, okay?

Call the police.
We're on our way.

Where the hell are the police?

Hang on, wait, wait, wait,
stop, stop, stop.

Pearl, no.
Mum, don't.

No, Pearl. Pearl!
Mum, don't.

Pearl!

Gotcha.

Recognize him?

I've never seen him before.

We'll have to assume
he's the hit man.

We'll run his image
through our database,

see if he's got a record.

Maybe he's a...an ex-con
or had beef with Brian.

Let's get you somewhere safe.

Alright, sarge.
Cheers, boys.

-Alright.
Alright.

Well, well.

The shifty fella.

From the social club.

From the re-enactment.

He had his arm around Heidi
when she was sipping her tea.

So they both knew him.

Mike, can I have a word?

Yeah?

Heidi's having an affair
with Kid.

I saw them together.

Why didn't you tell me
this before?

-Well, I'm telling you now.
-No, you didn't want

-to be wrong about Heidi.
-Well, I was busy

-looking for your hit man.
It's not a competition.

Why are you
being so defensive?

You're a chef
playing detective.

Doing a better job
than you.

'Cause, of course,
you got all the evidence

that will hold up
in a court of law.

Well, I have some
evidence. What have you got?

Oh, really?
Some evidence.

What have you got?
What have I got?

You two.

Get a room.

Seriously.

I messed up.

Sucks to be you.

Every day.

Keith Boyle at
musketballs.co.uk.

Dress up.
Be someone else for the day.

It'll do you good.

Charming.

What did Pearl say?

She thinks I stood her up,
alright?

-And I didn't.
-About the case.

Well, Heidi and Kid are,
uh, are having an affair.

Well, there's our motive.

Yeah, and they both
knew the hit man.

So why was he skulking around
in her garden?

Well, Pearl thinks
Heidi might have set it up,

throw us off the scent.

Yeah.

Stay on Heidi, yeah?

Alright.

Don't let her out of your sight.

I'm gonna go and talk with Kid.

Cool.

See ya.

-Oh, Pearl.
-Yeah.

Nice to meet you.

I'm whispering 'cause Mum's
in the front room

-watching her reruns.
-Oh.

Between you and me, I think
she's having a dry shower.

Dry shower?



Oh.

Come in.
We can talk properly downstairs.

Okay.

Mother won't hear us now.

What can I get you to drink?

A-A-A-A vessel of mead, perhaps?

That was a joke.

I'm having a fizzy pop.

Would you like one?

Cheers.

Viva la revolution.

Now, what can I do for you?

Um, do you recognize him?

I think he was at
your last re-enactment.

Oh. No, sorry.

We had a lot of newbies
last time.

Oh, I tell you what though.

I archive all our events.

Comrades send me photos, videos
they've taken on their phones.

Super 8 footage.

I can show you if you like.

Thanks.

Ah. I see you've been admiring
the flintlock.

Yeah.

Now, these were
fatally inaccurate.

But the pike, that was
a more efficient weapon.

I'll tell you all about it
while my computer warms up.

sh*t.

Kid.

Alright?

The facial recognition results
came back,

and we have a name
and an address.

Aaron Emperor.

He lives in a bedsit
in Gravesend.

He's got a record from years
back for petty crimes,

but the arresting officer
was Brian Armstrong.

This looks like revenge.

First on Brian,
then on his family.

No.

Their affair was too much
of a coincidence.

Heidi's calmed down,

but when she found out
about Kid,

she screamed, she shouted,
she couldn't stop crying.

I brought her a cup of tea.

And?

She never touched it.

She loves him.

And it's why she's looked
so guilty.

Brian was a serial cheat, but
he wasn't going to leave her.

She was going to leave him.

I'm gonna go and see
Aaron Emperor.

Keep going, keep going,
keep going.

Again and again.

Take it. Take it.
Oh, come on.

What you doing?

Yes, yes.

Ah, ref.

-Armed police.
-Armed police, show yourself.

Armed police.

Room clear.

-Clear?
Yes, Sir.

So the Cavaliers
had the numbers.

Uh-huh.

The Roundheads had
the higher ground.

Right, so the -- the Roundheads
are marching down here,

and the Cavaliers
were standing...?

Uh, they were right about here.

And Brian?

Brian was leading the line.

He was slain here.

God rest his soul.

So this guy's Brian and he's
marching with the Cavaliers,

and the Roundheads are
coming straight for them.

The Roundheads kneel
and take aim,

and the Cavaliers follow suit.

But Brian wasn't looking
at the Roundheads.

He was looking over there.

He kept looking over there.

Who was over there?

The sn*per.

Pearl.

Brian kept looking at the sn*per
right before he was shot.

He knew he was there.

And Brian wasn't
the target of the hit.

Heidi was.

Oh, you knob.

Come on.

Got one...

Come on.

So the sn*per
k*lled Brian by mistake?

I don't think so.

Well, I thought Heidi
was the target?

Yeah. At first.

Well, what changed?

He tracked Heidi for weeks.

He knew her routine backwards.

And he's got hundreds
of photos of her.

They were logistical at first,

but they were looking
more obsessive

and intimate, almost loving.

What, he fell in love
with her?

Well...

Sounds twisted, but yeah,
I think so.

What, and k*lled Brian instead?

Well...

Men.

Do you remember me?

I brought you a cup of tea
at the reenactment.

M-- I mean, afterwards.

I was in shock.

Lots of people came up to me.

I...

I don't remember.

Um, I'm Aaron.

Aaron Emperor.

It's a strange name, I know.

Brian hired me to hurt you,

so I shot him.

-Now, now, now you're safe.
-B--

That -- That -- That's what
I've been trying to tell you.

You don't need him.

He doesn't deserve you.

-You -- You -- You need to move.

-No.
-Please, Heidi.

Heidi, just get out
of my way, please.

-No. No.
Heidi.

You need to get out of my way.

Aaron!

Aaron Emperor,
you're under arrest

for the m*rder
of Brian Armstrong

and the attempted m*rder
of Paul Armstrong.

-It's okay.

You do not have to say anything,

but it may harm your defense
if you do not mention

when questioned something which
you later rely on in court.

Anything you do say
may be given in evidence.

Do you understand?

You alright?

To Heidi and Kid.

And a job well done.

That plaque on the outside
of the pub, who's it for?

Famous people.

Who was famous in Whitstable?

Peter Cushing.

Crabzilla.

-Crabzilla?

Yeah, he's a crab
the size of a whale.

He's like Whitstable's
Loch Ness Monster.

Oh. Is he real?

He's a myth to lure in
gullible Londoners.

Oh.

No seriously though,
who's the -- the plaque for?

My dad.

Oh, sorry, um...

You're alright. It's fine.

It's not an official one anyway,
it's a joke, really,

but it's nice.

And he was sort of famous
around here.

He meant a lot in Whitstable.

What was he like?

He knew everyone.

He liked to help people.

He was brave.

One time these kids
were struggling out at sea

and he rescued them.

People confided in him.
They trusted him.

He'd walk along the seafront
and everyone would say hello.

He was everyone's best mate.

I'm making him sound
like a hero.

Sounds like you.

There's Dad.

With Vinnie on the left.

There's Dolly, look.

It's going to sound like
I'm the worst daughter ever,

but I think she had an affair.

-With who?
-With Vinnie.

When?
-When I was a kid,

when my dad was still alive.

We were happy, me, my mum,
and dad.

That's how I remember it.
I...

I don't want to find out
that's not true.

Another round?

-Yeah, sounds good.
-You get them in.

I'm going to nip to the loo.
I'll be back in a minute.

Alright.

Can I get two more of these,
please?

Sure.

Cheers.

Cheers.

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la ♪