Burying The Ex (2014)

[bunniefuu]

Another bad dream, baby?

Just go back to sleep.

Yes!

Travis.

- Hey, what's up, Max?
- Can I... talk to you for a minute?

Yeah, okay.

All right, up and at them, ladies.
Up and at them!

Oh, God!

Sorry.

What are you doing here?

What do you mean?
My first threesome. I owned it.

Actually it was a little more work
than I thought it was gonna be.

- Congrats.
- Thanks.

But what did I say
about using my place for sex?

- I don't know.
- I said use your own place.

And risk having these chicks know where
I live? I mean, you know I can't do that.

Yea, but Evelyn slept over, man.

If she knows you are here
she is gonna sh*t a Prius!

Come on, this should be cool with you.
We're brothers.

Half brothers technically.

From the same sac.
I can't believe you would say that.

I'm disappointed in you.

How do you get these girls
to bang you, I will never know.

You see, it's not about banging.
It's about love.

I love these girls with everything I got.
I care about Leikeidra and Lashanda.

I care about them so much.

No, no, not... not from the bottle.

- Sorry, I lost electrolytes back there.
- Oh, great. Now would you please go?

Just keep your voice down.

- Where are the eggs?
- What eggs?

The eggs. I always down one raw egg
after busting a night,

and right now I need three.
Make that four raw eggs, stat.

I don't know. Evelyn doesn't let me
have any food that's not vegan.

So, you're saying you got no eggs?

Oh, my God.

When are you gonna nad up to this broad?

I mean, first she makes you to sell
your car because it wasn't a hybrid,

now she is screwing with your diet?

Yeah, well, when you meet a girl
that's half as hot and intelligent

and concerned about
the environment as Evelyn,

- we will talk.
- I don't... think I want that.

- Yo!
- Oh, sh*t!

Hey! Mary-Kate, Ashley, get your stuff
and whatever is left of your dignity

out of the apartment, please. Thank you!

- Travis?
- Hey, how are you?

- You can go to hell.
- Yes, yes, ma'am.

Come on! Chop-chop ladies. Let's go.

You don't have to go home,
but you can't stay here.

I suggest go to the nearest church
or Planned Parenthood.

- Is that...
- I think you should probably wash this.

- Is that my sheet?
- It's not mine.

Just... just take it with you.

Hey, whatever happens,
I'm here for you, brother.

He is your half brother. Half!

That was a little harsh,
don't you think, Ev?

No. I'm only trying to help him. Okay?

You're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's okay.

But you can make it up to me.

You know. Little bit of...
breakfast sex.

I'm already late for work as it is.

Then you have nothing to lose
and everything to gain.

All right, okay. Alright,
but it's gotta be a quickie.

Who said it was going to take long?

Who dare call Bloody Mary's?

Hi, Mary.

Yeah, I'm here. I'm sorry I'm late.
Something... came up.

Yup, I'm gonna dress the windows right now
and then I will clean the bathrooms.

- You better.
- Okay, bye-bye.

Delivery!

Ghoul morning, Chuck.

I can't believe your boss
makes you greet people that way.

Yeah, she says it adds to the ambience.

My condolences. Sign that.

Tell you what, though,
when I own my own shop,

I'm going to greet the customers
the way I want to.

Hey, that'll be the day.

Thanks.

And the last one.

All right. Thank you, Chuck,
and go to hell.

You're welcome and go to hell, Max.

I didn't order you.

Satan genie.

"Make any want, wish
or desire yours, the evil way."

Live Green or Blog Hard.
Saving the world, one blog at a time.

I just got a shipping of costumes.
You wanna play dress up?

- That depends on what you got.
- Well, there is naughty nurse,

mischievous maid, slutty schoolgirl
and hussy housewife.

My favorites.

Let me just finish up this blog
and I will be there in a jiff.

That was fang-tastic.

Your boss needs to replace these
incandescent tubes with compact fluorescents.

CFLs last up to ten times longer

and she'll be cutting
her energy bill by more than half.

I love it when you speak green.

Well, I'm just trying to...
curb your carbon footprint.

So when I open Max's Scare Shack,
you can be my environmental consultant.

Okay, here we go again with that.

- Ev...
- Look...

werewolves and vampires
and zombies, they are figments.

- Max, they're not real.
- And?

And why waste your time,
hawking this crap

when there are so many
real problems in the world.

And look at this, okay?

Satan genie.

"Make any want, wish
or desire yours, the evil way."

It's a load of horseshit.

Yeah, but that's why this stuff
is so important.

It challenges us to stop accepting
the world and you know,

face our inner monster
and find the strength to conquer it.

- It's a bit of a stretch, Max.
- Yeah, well, you say that now,

but who will you turn to when the world
is taken over by zombies?

You make me laugh.

Glad to be of service.

Serious.

Once I lost my mom,

a part of me just shut off.

Like a piece of me died with her and...

and I found you.

You brought me back to life.

Promise me we'll always be like this.

I promise we will always be together.

Always and forever.

Well, welcome to your new home.

Our new home.

Lugosi did kick the habit,

but I think there's a YouTube video
of him leaving rehab. Which is great.

Yeah, that's great, but that's why
you should never put anything unnatural

into your body, Max.
I just wrote a blog about this.

I feel like a malted.
Do you want a malted?

- Max, you know I don't drink milk.
- Come on, Ev. Live a little.

This stuff in that kills you.

Oh, my God.

Hello. Welcome to Ice Cream.

Look at all these flavors, Ev.

Everything's home made by yours truly
and everything truly kicks a*s.

Ginger Gore, Walnut Warlock,

Caramel Cadaver.

- Wait a second, Fruit Brute?
- Yeah.

- Like the monster cereal Fruit Brute?
- Yeah, like the monster cereal.

- What's a Fruit Brute?
- General Mills put out a...

Sorry, please, go ahead.

They put out a line of cereals
based on classic monsters

like Franken Berry, Boo Berry,
Count Chocula

and Fruit Brute was one of the cereals
but no one bought it so it died.

Yeah, until I decided
to resurrect it. It's alive.

How, retro!

I will have one Fruit Brute
malted, please.

Excellent choice. And for the lady?

I'll take a Soy Oreo shake
and we're in rush.

Actually I don't have cookies and cream.
You know you can get that anywhere, so...

I've never met an ice cream snob before.

- Stop, Evelyn.
- I didn't mean it like that at all.

Oh, no, you think
that you're so great, right?

Because you work at some novelty
ice cream shop where you serve flavors

based on pop culture artifacts
that only cool people like you know about,

but do you actually know
what they put in this stuff?

You're practically poisoning
your customers.

What is your problem?

- You are my problem, skank!
- Evelyn!

No, Max. We're leaving.
We are going to Pinkberry.

- Are you coming or not?
- But Fruit Brute!

Fine.

I'm so sorry.

That's fine, no worries. Good luck!

Enjoy Pinkberry. Has milk in it... also.

You mind telling me what that was about?

I don't know.
Why don't you tell me, Flirty McGee?

Flirty McGee? We were talking
about monster cereals.

Fine, go be with someone who knows about
obscure discontinued breakfast foods, Max.

I just wanted a malted!

Max, I'm so sorry.

Please don't be mad at me.

I'm not mad,

I just want to know
what happened back there.

I don't know, I just...

I freaked out, you know?
It wasn't you, it was... that girl.

She just got under my skin.

It was just ice cream, Evelyn.
Ice cream.

You're right. I'm sorry. I am.

I just get scared sometimes.

You're all I have
and I don't want to lose you.

You're not gonna lose me, Ev.

Okay.

- Thank you. Go to hell.
- Where do you get off?

- Who dare call Bloody Mary's?
- Hey, sexy.

You think you can sneak away from work
for a minute? I have a surprise for you.

I promise you won't regret it.

- Really?
- Really.

On my way.

Surprise!

Max, not on the runner. It's hypoallergenic
and I would like to keep it that way.

My bad.

So, do you love it or do you love it?

Yeah. It's... it's different.

Our apartment is now 100 percent green.

Literally.

Do you like the color?
It's made from fresh cut wheat grass

so no solvents, toxic metals
or volatile organic compounds.

Great.

What did you do with my posters?

Don't worry, I put them in the drawer.

Oh, my God! You're kidding me, right?

You ruined them.

Max, please!
They weren't even in English.

That's because they were imported.

Okay, well, they were
taking up all the wall space.

These were in pristine condition.

Do you understand
how much these were worth?

I was going to make a down payment
on a space with these.

There you go with the shop idea...

And when did we decide to redecorate
the apartment anyway?

- Okay, well, it's my home too.
- I know Evelyn, I know,

but we have to make these sorts
of decisions together.

Well, it was my mother's birthday and
I was just trying to do something fun.

Evelyn.

- Just leave me alone, Max.
- Ev...

Come on.

- Ev...
- Go away!

Travis no estoy aquí.

I said "no tengo la rento."

Travis, open up. It's me.

Come on.

Jesus, man. You look like sh*t.

Yeah, well...

ever since Little Miss b*ner-k*ller
banned me from your apartment,

I haven't been able to get any poon.
I'm all backed up.

You look pretty busted yourself.
Hasn't she been feeding you?

Tofu, tofu, tofu.

All tofu. All the time.

- Yuck!
- I know, I know. I skip most meals.

Not that, I think
this Twinkie is expired.

- Twinkies don't expire.
- Yeah, they do. Every four weeks.

- Really?
- Then they get good again.

I did not know that.

- Want it?
- Yeah, sure.

You gotta do something
about that broad, bro.

I mean, she's bad for you and me,
especially me.

That's the thing. Evelyn and I, it's...

- It's not working.
- You guys breaking up?

Evelyn is a very sweet girl,

and the sex is...

- is rad.
- Yeah.

But she can be such a stark,
raving lunatic sometimes.

- Agreed.
- I just don't think we fit anymore.

When are you dropping the b*mb?
I'll start making some calls.

I've never been the dumper,

I've always been the dumpee.

sh*t, bro. Kicking a girl to the curb
is the easiest part of a relationship.

Text dump her, it's quick, easy

and depending on your wireless plan,
it can even be free.

- I can't text dump her.
- What, you don't have unlimited texting?

We live together.

That's on you. That is on you.
I can't help you there.

You're not gonna help me?

All right, all right.

This is what you're going to do.

Pick a public place.
Somewhere with a lot of people.

That ways if she freaks, starts kicking you
in the junk, someone will call 911.

It has happened before. It happened
to me a couple of years back.

That's neither here nor there.
Stake it out a day beforehand.

Make sure you know where all the escape
routes are. A solid exit strategy is key.

Don't worry, bro.
Evelyn's a tough chick.

She'll be back on her feet in no time.

Live green or blog hard,
saving the world one blog at a time.

- Hey, it's it's me.
- Oh, hey, baby. What's up?

Nothing. You?

I am blogging up a storm today.

I just... I have a...
a surprise for you.

Oh. Well, what is it?

I wouldn't wanna ruin it.
You wanna meet me at the dog park in 30?

Oh, my God!

- I know what it is.
- You do?

You got a puppy!

- Wait, it's a rescue, right?
- Just meet me in 30, okay?

Okay. Max, you're the best
boyfriend ever.

Someone call 911. Someone call 911!

Evelyn! Evelyn!

- Max.
- There's been an accident.

Just stay still.
The ambulance is on its way.

- Don't leave me.
- No, I'm right here. I'm right here.

I don't want to die.

- I don't want to leave you.
- You're not.

We will always be together. Okay?

Always and forever.

Evelyn!

Ev!

Ev! Evelyn!

Please, please, Ev.

I'm here for you, brother. Okay?

The grief of his wife's death
became greater and greater agony.

The home that they had so long
shared together

became a tomb.

The ever-beautiful flowers
she had planted

with her own hands

became nothing more
than the lost roses of her cheeks.

It's Travis, man. Open up.
I know you're in there.

Come on, I swear
I don't have anyone with me.

Don't make me use my keys.

What's up, Max?

I guess... I guess you haven't had time
to drop this sh*t off at Goodwill?

- What? Too soon?
- You're a d*ck.

Come on! You were going to break up
with her anyways, remember?

Yeah, well... I k*lled her instead.

Hey, that is bullshit and you know it.

I don't know. I just can't help but think
that if I'd stuck it out a little,

we would have...

we would have found common ground,
we would've been happy again.

I refuse to let you talk like that

and I refuse to let you rot away
in this shrine to your ex.

What am I supposed to do?

All the things you used to love to do.

I don't know. It's hard to remember
who I was before her.

Well, you used to love going
to the movies and...

there just so happens to be
a double feature at the New Bev tonight.

- Could be fun.
- Do you want to go the movies with me?

I would love to go
to the movies with you, but...

Actually I got a smoking hot date
with this MILF, Janine,

and I met her on Tinder and I could...

could really use the apartment.

No.

Hey, it was worth a shot.
Good seeing you again, bro.

Hey, ladies! Max is single
and ready to mingle!

Delivering from the bitter pains
of eternal death,

the woman was a wicked woman,
and she was dead in her own life.

Yea, Lord, pity them who are dead,

and give peace and happiness
to the living.

Hey, Fruit Brute!

Fruit brute!

- Hi.
- Hey.

You don't remember me do you?
Oh, my God!

- I just made an a*s out of myself.
- No, no, no. I... I do.

- Ice Cream, right?
- Yes. Olivia.

- Max.
- Hi.

A Val Lewton fan, I see.

Oh, yeah, well, the guy took
what could've been B-movie exploitation...

And turned it into
the art house cinema, I know.

Is your... Is your girlfriend here?

No, no. She...

- She moved on.
- Sorry. It happens, you know.

I just broke up with this guy
I was seeing because he...

he suddenly decided to become
a born again Christian.

Yea, my ex could be
a little extreme, too.

Not quite like this. It was like...

no smoking, no drinking, no sex.

I was, like, totally losing my sh*t.
I was like...

will somebody please
just have sex with me.

- Right here, baby!
- Oh, my God!

That sounded really bad.

Okay, anyway,
it was really nice running into you.

You, too.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Hey...

are you doing anything, like, right now?

- Right now?
- Because you know, I was...

I was thinking, you know, you never...
never did get that malted you wanted.

So, I took off all of my clothes and I stood
right in front of him and I said,

"You either pick Jesus or you pick me."

He picked Jesus.

- No way.
- Way.

He then joined this Christian rock band.

You want to know what they are called?

The Christians Slaters.

That is too funny.

So... how did you break up with yours?

I...

I sort of threw her under the bus.

I still feel pretty bad about it.

Well, if it's any consolation,

you know, she was... a tad feisty.

Yeah, we had our differences.

I mean, she wouldn't know half the stuff
we're talking about tonight.

I guess, it just... wasn't meant to be.

Yeah.

I don't think we should be talking about
our exes. It's, like, bad luck or something.

- It actually kind of helps.
- Well, then I'm happy to help.

To moving on.

To moving on.

- Cheers!
- Cheers!

Hey, do you want to do something fun?

- Dying to.
- Okay, good.

But you have to promise
not to call me crazy. Do you promise?

- Yeah, I promise.
- Okay.

I love coming here.
It's like, so peaceful and quiet.

You are crazy.

Come on, this isn't just any cemetery,
this is the Hollywood Forever cemetery.

You know who's buried here?

Yeah. I can think of one.

Peter Lorre,

John Huston,

Johnny Ramone.

How cool is that? Johnny Ramone.

- That is pretty cool.
- Yeah.

- Hey, Max.
- What?

They're coming to get you, Max.

- Stop. Stop, stop
- They're coming for you.

- You know I ran track in high school.
- They're coming for you!

- I'm coming to get you.
- Yeah, right.

I'm going to get you.

I'm really sorry
I'm devouring you like this.

- Please continue.
- Okay.

It's just...
It's been a really long time.

Ditto.

But... we should... we should stop.

Really? I mean, we're both
responsible adults, right?

- Right.
- Right.

Yeah.

- But we really should stop.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Yeah... we should.

I have to open up the shop
in the morning, anyway.

- Where do you work?
- Bloody Mary's.

You should come by. I'll give you
a discount on fake blood pellets.

Okay. I'll keep that in mind.

Hey... I had a really,
really good time tonight, Max.

Me, too.

- See you soon?
- Yeah. Definitely.

Okay.

Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I knew... son of a b*tch!

Well, that wasn't a very
warm reception, Max.

I'm just a little freaked out here.
Just give me a second.

This is all a flashback to the time
you shroomed out on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

It's cold out here.
I'm gonna catch my death.

Coming.

You're going to open that door
and there's not going to be anyone there.

Hey, Max. I'm back!

- f*ck me!
- Oh, you read my mind.

- Wait, wait, please. Stop, stop, stop!
- Oh, baby. What's wrong?

What's wrong? You died. I saw you die.

- I know, freaky deaky, right?
- But how?

- True love conquers all.
- That doesn't make any sense.

Yes, it does.

Don't you see? Our love
has been given a second chance

- and we have to seize the opportunity.
- That's really unnecessary.

- Oh, my God!
- What?

- You kept the runner.
- Yeah, yeah. Why wouldn't I?

Well, you know how guys are.
Always trading in for a newer model.

- I would never do that.
- Good.

Because if you did,
you'd be f*cking dead, right now!

Oh, baby! I'm just screwing with you.

Speaking of which... Oh, I'm so horny.

Oh, let's play, baby...

Don't... don't... don't you think
you should take a shower first?

- I mean, you were dead for a long time.
- Only if you come with me.

You know I hate going to bed
with my hair wet.

Such a wuss.

- I'll be quick.
- Take your time.

sh*t!

- Who is it?
- Olivia!

Oh, g*dd*mn it!

Just give me a second, just one second.

- Hi, again.
- Hey, what a surprise.

Listen, I was just thinking
about what you said earlier.

Yeah. What did I say?
I said a lot of things.

You know, about us being
responsible adults and everything.

- Right, that.
- I just think, you know,

If I want to and if you want to,

then I think that we should just...
you know, we should go for it, right?

I mean, it's going to happen
eventually anyway, right?

- Right?
- Yeah, about that.

I think I may have spoken
a bit too soon.

Awesome!

I'm sorry.

- What?
- I just think...

I think we will both enjoy it
a lot more if we just wait.

Right. Okay.

You probably think I'm...
just... like, a big hoe-bag now.

No, I really don't think
you're a big hoe-bag.

- Little bit, little bit?
- Not even the slightest.

Okay. Well, I...

- I'll... I'm gonna go.
- Yeah, see you.

We're out of shampoo, baby.

- Who was that?
- Did you hear that?

The walls here are so thin.

Right. I hate that.

That's another reason why
I think that we should wait.

Because you don't want
the neighbors hearing us

going at it like a pack
of sex-crazed hyenas,

pounding away at each other all night.

- You know?
- Yeah. No! I don't think that would...

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Okay. Yeah, so I'll see you... Bye.

- Bye.
- Yeah, okay.

Who was that?

- FedEx.
- This late?

Yeah, well, when it absolutely
and positively has to be there overnight.

Well, I have a special delivery for you.

Are you sure you don't want
to dry off first?

The wetter the better, baby.

Oh, dear.

Oh, God! That freaking hurt.

I never said I was graceful.

You won't die.

No.

You said we'd always be together.

That night at the shop.

Always and forever.

The Satan Genie.

I guess it wasn't
a load of horseshit after all.

I stand corrected.

This...

is gonna be fun.

Now, where were we?

Embalming fluid. Gross!

Worst nightmare ever.

Hi.

Oh, come on.
My morning face is not that bad.

Sorry, I'm just having a nightmare.
I mean, I was having a nightmare.

- How did you sleep?
- Oh, not a wink.

I have all this energy, like I drank


And I think like in a jiffy. Real quick.

Did we...

We didn't...

- Have sex?
- Yeah.

No, you passed out.

Your p*nis is the size
of a marsh mellow mini.

But you're awake now.
Time to wake up, goony bird!

Evelyn, Evelyn, Ev... Do you think
we should have breakfast first?

Maybe just some for carbs, energy.

No, it's the craziest thing.
I'm not even hungry.

I'm gonna lose so much weight.
Being dead is the best diet ever.

Would you look at the time.
I'm gonna be late for work.

No, no, no, don't go.
Let me have a quickie first.

Please Evelyn, you just rose from the dead,
you deserve more than a quickie.

Wait, then when are you gonna be back?

I don't know. It's the Halloween season
and things get real crazy so don't wait up.

Come on, Travis. Pick up.

We got shirts, we got suits,
we got ties, we got belts.

Hey, baby, you've ever banged a Viking?

Once he goes Norse
you'll have no remorse.

sh*t!

I told you not to call me
at the office, bro.

Travis, whatever you do,
do not go back to my apartment.

Negativo. I got a scorching
hot date tonight

with the centerfold from this month's
FHM and she lives with the rents.

It's Evelyn. She's back
and she's in my apartment, right now.

Max... please... please, don't tell me
you ate that acid I left in your fridge.

Travis, I'm serious! She's is back.

She's dead and she thinks
we're still dating.

Okay. Settle down.

It'll wear off in 10-12 hours.
Just don't operate any heavy machinery.

Look, I gotta go, okay?
I gotta get back to work.

Just sit in the corner and listen to some
music. I don't know. All right, bye.

Okay, come on, you got me into this,
you gotta get...

Oh, sh*t.

"Straight to Hades:

A Guide for Ridding the Unwelcome Undead
By Baron Olaf III, Ph.D, Esquire."

Salt, flour, celery...

What the... Parsley? Really?
You gotta be kidding me.

Wolfsbane. Yeah, 'cause I got
a lot of wolfsbane lying around.

"Blow directly into face."

Okay.

You're gonna die.

- Excuse me?
- One day you're gonna die.

I'm going to be left all on my lonesome.

Well, I'll still be with you
in, like, spirit or whatever.

You know I can't go on without you.

But if I make you like me...

Ev... just... think about
what you're saying here.

It's the only way that we can be together
forever, like we promised.

We can get married, buy a house,
have a tons of babies.

What the hell is that?

It's just a little something
I like to call...

I thought I was gonna sneeze.

What was that about?

Just a new recipe I wanted to try.
Didn't really work out for me.

You're so silly sometimes.

Seriously, if I k*ll you,

then we get to live happily ever after.

Can I... can I... can I say no?

- What?
- No, no, it's nothing... nothing personal.

I just...

I would like to go dancing tonight.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Dancing?
- Yeah. Yeah, to celebrate your return.

Max, you've never been
to a club in your entire life.

I know, I know, but if I'm gonna die,
I'd like to live it up.

Okay, where?

I don't know. Somewhere
where you won't... stick out.

- You're girlfriend is so goth.
- Who does her makeup?

- She's au naturel.
- Hey!

Stop eye-banging my boyfriend, Morticia.

Come on, you wanna step?
Bring it, b*tches.

Come on, baby, let's go get
our drink on. Yeah.

Excuse me, what's the closest thing
you have to an elephant tranquilizer?

- Absinthe.
- Make it a double.

You dance with the green fairy before?

There's a first time for everything.

- Careful, this stuff will k*ll you.
- I'm not so sure about that.

Again.

Your funeral.

Been there, baby, done that.

One more for the road.

You heard the lady.

Oh, baby. Hold me, I'm cold.

No. You're good.

Urge to purge. Urge to purge!
Oh, baby, you're on hair duty.

Oh, baby. Green fairy kicking my a*s!

All right, round two!
Ding, ding, ding, ding!

- Max?
- Olivia!

- Hi.
- Hey.

- What are the odds?
- Yeah. Is your friend okay?

Yeah, just a little worse for the wear.

Yeah, doesn't know when to quit?

- Yeah, you don't know the half of it.
- Oh, I can't feel my face.

- What's up?
- Nothing, just...

we're going to check out this club,
me and my... my lady friends.

Well, you can skip it.
It's dead in there.

- Get it?
- Yeah.

O, M effing G!

This is the guy you've been crushing on?

God, please stop. That's so rude.
I'm so sorry.

That's just too many appletinis.

- Well, duty calls.
- Yeah, do what you gotta.

- Holla!
- I will.

You two suck, you know that?
So embarrassing.

All right.

Baby, we're going to make
sweet, sweet love tonight.

No, no, no, that's a Dirty Sanchez.
A rusty trombone is when...

Oh, brother.

Is this the kind of freaky sh*t
you're into?

No. But I... I could be.

- You've gone necro, bro!
- She's not dead, Travis.

At least not in a traditional sense.

Now, please, help me take her to bed.

- No, I'm not touching that b*tch.
- Travis!

Because you're my boy, but you put her
back in the ground when you're done.

- You got any gloves?
- Please Travis!

Baby.

What the hell?

What were you going to do?

Funny man.

Were you gonna draw a d*ck on my face?

You gonna put my fingers in warm water?

What is that smell?

- I sh*t my pants.
- You sh*t your...

Eve, I was actually just
showing Travis the door.

You've... you've had a...

You really partied like a champ tonight,
I think you should just go and rest.

Screw that. I'm up now and you'd better
be too, if you know what I mean!

Hey, why don't you have this?
I'll be right back, okay?

Travis. Travis, wait.

Dude, what kind of voodoo
did you do in there, Max?

I didn't, I swear.

There's a freaking Tim Burton movie
in your living room.

My God, she could be
one of the infected.

Please tell me you wore a condom
when you were banging her.

It's not a virus thing Travis.
It's more of a...

"Be careful what you wish for" thing.

I would seriously invest in a hazmat suit,
if I were you. Peace.

- You're just gonna take off?
- Yup.

- You aren't even gonna help me?
- Nope.

- Travis, she wants to k*ll me.
- Sooner or later, all broads do.

- But I thought we were bros.
- Half bros.

Travis, please, just tell me what to do.

What you were supposed to do
in the first place, dump her a*s.

Just hope she doesn't eat
your brains first.

People think I'm just a girl
Just a girl from another world...

Good morning. I made breakfast.

Here, sit.

I used chocolate chips.
Just like at IHOP.

Dig in. I'm not hungry.

So... have you thought about our talk?

Together forever.

Yeah, about that.

What's wrong?

Well, I just feel like
things are getting

a little bit... stale.

- Stale?
- Wrong word. Sorry.

What are you trying to say?

I just think before we take such a...

drastic step in our relationship,

how would you feel about taking

a very small...

break?

More of a breather, really.

- Are you breaking up with me?
- No, it's just a breather.

I dug myself out of a grave for you.

Do you have any idea how hard it is
digging yourself out of a grave?

It's freaking hard!

And there goes the deposit.

- I can't believe you.
- Ev, you're drawing blood.

Where do you get the ba*ls
to even ask me if I want a break?

See, I'm asking...

if you want to take a break.

Because I'm worried that I am not
giving you what you need,

what you want, what you deserve.

Lord knows you deserve so much.

Baby!

Don't be silly.

You are the best boyfriend ever.

Oh, you make me so happy.

Too tight!

You always loved violence.

Thank you, go to hell.

Hey, why don't you go to hell?

Already there, sir.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Rough night?
- Rough life.

Yeah. I thought you might be a little
hung over so I brought you a remedy

that's been in my family for years.

Olivia, you are an angel from heaven.

Yeah, I know.

Must be nice having your own place.
Making your own hours.

Greeting customers the way you want.

Eating burgers whenever you want.

Yeah, I'm thinking about sub-letting
the space on the other side.

If you know anyone who is interested,
it would make a really great spot

for like a start-up. I think.

I did, but...

I don't think he's chasing
that dream anymore.

That's too bad.

Sometimes people just...
gotta take a chance, you know.

- I should probably get that.
- Yeah.

- Who dare call Bloody Mary's?
- Hey, baby.

Hi. I'm a little busy right now.

Okay. I was just thinking
about you and I wanted to call.

That's nice.

I'm with a customer.

Okay.

- Max?
- Yeah?

I love you.

That's great. That's really great.

- Did you hear what I said?
- Yeah. Yeah.

- I said I love you.
- Loud and clear.

Well, aren't you going to say it back?

Max?

Hello?

Yeah, love you back, bye.

My boss is...

Yeah, you know...

- cut the crap, Max.
- Please, just let me explain. Okay?

No, you don't have to explain anything.

I know exactly what's going on.

- I really don't think you do.
- It's obvious.

- You're not over your ex yet.
- It's not me Olivia, it's her.

She won't get out of my life.

Yeah, well, I'm not gonna, like,
share you with someone else, you know.

I already tried that with my ex-boyfriend
and you know how that turned out, so...

Believe me, Olivia,
I really, really like you.

Well, there's only so much rejection
that I can take.

If you want to be with me,
then you'll be with me.

Okay.

You know...

they're showing Night of the Living Dead
tomorrow night at the Hollywood Forever,

and I'll be there,
if you want to meet me,

and if not, that's totally fine.

But, you know,
it was nice to know you, then.

Okay.

Bye.

So you're saying I should re-k*ll my ex?

Seeing as you can't nad up,
I say you got no choice.

Yeah, but I tried. I tried and she went all


Listen, that girl in our apartment
is not Evelyn anymore.

She's Zombie Evelyn. She's "Zevelin."

You know.

- Renta! Renta!
- Travis está en la biblioteca.

And what am I supposed to do anyway?

I saw her get hit by a bus

and break her neck
and she's still going.

b*llet to the brain? I mean,
works in all those zombie movies.

No, no, no. I'm against firearms.

- Stake through the heart.
- She's not a vampire.

Electrocution. Bathtub,
hair dryer, zap. She's dead.

I'd probably end up zapping myself.

Let me see what we have around here.

Th... There's...

Good old fashioned beheading
ought to do it.

Easy, too. Just go creeping
while she's asleeping.

Evelyn doesn't sleep.

Well, you'll just have
to get creative then.

You're not gonna do what I think
you're gonna do, are you?

- What on earth would that be?
- Don't play dumb, Max.

You're gonna repaint the walls.

You got me. I noticed the color was fading
so I was gonna... add another coat.

That's sweet, Max. But you're gonna
have to wait until I finish my yoga.

My chakra's off.

Ever since I came back I can hit
all these poses I couldn't before.

It's pretty rad.

What are you doing, baby?

Just...

admiring your form.

Om...

Barry's Chinese Food!
It's the best deal in town!

Barry's Chinese Food.

Sup, k*ller? That was fast.

All right.

Where's the blood, where's the gore?
Where's the viscera?

- I couldn't do it.
- What do you mean you couldn't do it?

- k*lling someone is hard.
- She's already dead, man!

It doesn't matter if she's alive
or dead. It's hard.

I'm just gonna stand Olivia up tonight
and that will be the end of it.

I'll let Evelyn eat me and turn me
into one of the living dead

- and we can rot unhappily ever after.
- Stop it right now.

You're meeting Olivia
at that cemetery tonight.

I told you, Travis,
I'm not beheading my ex.

You're not,

I am.

No, this... this isn't your fight.

I know, but I got this.

- I don't really think you do.
- I got this, all right?

I don't understand why do you have
to go into work tonight?

It's just the graveyard shift, Ev.

The night before Halloween
is always a b*tch.

Shelves gotta get stocked, pumpkins
gotta get carved, cobwebs gotta get hung.

It just seems weird. You were never
this busy when I was... you know, alive.

Well, that was the off-season
and this is game time.

Well, try to get home early.

I'll try but I have a feeling tonight
is gonna be a big one.

Kiss, kiss.

Goodbye, Evelyn.

Goodbye, honey.

Sure you're all right with this?

Don't worry, bro.
I'm going to k*ll it in there.

- All right, I owe you.
- That's what we do. We're family.

Come here.

Good luck, Max.

Thank you. You, too.

He's not here. Go home.

I just came to get my Gore-Gore Girls
DVD back. Max has had it for months.

- You can get it tomorrow.
- No can do.

I'm leaving on an epic snowboarding trip.
Won't be back till New Year's.

Well, hello, Evelyn. You're looking
especially morbid this evening.

Just get your DVD
and go home, douchebag.

Easy, thriller. I'll be quick.

- Hey.
- Hey, yourself.

It's a nice night for zombie movie
surrounded by a bunch of dead people.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

- Shall we?
- We shall. Let's do it.

Can't you just get it
when you come back?

- Nope.
- Why?

Because it gets very lonely up there.
I need my spank material.

- You are repulsive, you know that?
- Right back at ya, toots.

Hallelujah! The Gore-Gore Girls.
It's an instant classic.

- Great, leave.
- No, no, no.

- I've got to test it out first.
- Oh, come on.

Last time I lent Max a DVD,
the damn thing got so scratched up

it looked like a game of Tetris.
I was very upset.

It was Wild Things... Two.

I'm sure that your stuff is fine.
Now, please leave.

Two minutes, okay?

- Two minutes.
- Scout's honor.

- Two minutes.
- Yup.

Do you have any...
Do you have any leftovers?

Travis.

What a goddess! They don't make them
like that anymore. Let me tell you.

I feel my pants getting tighter.
It's getting so hot in here.

Enough! Your precious porn is fine.
Now, get out.

Just... slow your roll.
This is the best part.

Here it comes.

Oh, my God.

How awesome is that?

I hear they used real brains.
The director is very influential.

I just got the strangest craving.

Craving for what?

Brains!

Help! Help!

Do you want to get out of here?

Yeah.

Okay.

- It's a little bit messy.
- It's all right.

It's all right.

- Happy Halloween.
- Trick or treat?

Get off me, you crazy b*tch!

You seem upset, Travis.
What's eating you?

This better not go straight
to my thighs.

sh*t!

Travis.

What's up?

What, you're just gonna...

hump me and dump me?
Didn't think you were the type.

I've got to swing by my place
and check on something.

I'll call you later, okay?

I'm gonna... call...
catch a few more Z's.

You wore me out.

Hey...

You were right, by the way.

- About what?
- It was worth the wait.

I told you.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Evelyn.

Max.

I've been worried sick.

I... I was working. I told you.

I called. No one answered.

Yeah, I was busy. I'm sorry.

You changed your clothes.

Oh, yeah. I...

I spilled Karo syrup
all over them and...

had to go to the dry cleaner
to pick these up.

Did I... did I miss anything?

- No.
- No?

I ate dinner. Cleaned up.

You ate dinner?

But you're never hungry.

Well...

I got a craving.

What did you do to him, Ev?

- Where is he?
- Max.

Ev.

You ate Travis?

You ate my brother.

Half brother, Max.

And the lesser half if you ask me.

We were family.

I am your family now.

He was a user and a loser.
Actually, he didn't even taste good.

I can't believe you did this.

No more games, Max.

You promised me that we would
be together forever. It's time.

I promise. It won't hurt that much.

You're right.

No more games. Let's do this.

But...

- Not here.
- Where?

Why don't you run a...

run a bath and I'll meet you
there in a sec?

And why don't you make it hot.
Nice and hot.

With bubbles.

Come on, baby.
Got some serious bubbles waiting.

Yeah, I'm coming. I'm just...
doing a little man-scaping.

- 911. What's your emergency?
- Hi, I'd like to report a homicide.

Bear with me because this is gonna sound
really, really, really, really weird,

but my girlfriend came back from the dead
and then she ate my brother

and now she's gonna eat me.

Hello?

sh*t.

Hurry up, Max.
The water is getting cold.

Coming. Just... doing my taint.

Max, where are you?

I thought you were done
playing games, Max.

Max!

Hello?

Can someone please help me?

g*dd*mn it. Hold your horses.

Been on the john. What's the ruckus?

You may want to sit down first, sir.

Hey, the entrance is on the other side,
but we're closed right now, okay?

Trick or treat, smell my feet,

give me something good to eat.

I said we're closed right now.
Are you deaf?

Hey, cool costume.

Give me candy,

give me cake,

give me something sweet to take.

What are you?

I am resurrected!

Are you pulling my pickle, sonny boy?

No, g*dd*mn it.
This is actually happening right now.

Are you on meth?

No sir, now can you please
send a squad car to my apartment,

preferably with officers
that sh**t really, really well?

Attention all units.

Breaking and entering in a malt shop
on the corner of Melrose and Heliotrope.

What kind of idiot
knocks over a malt shop?

Schmuck knocks over a malt shop.

Olivia.

g*dd*mn meth heads.

Olivia!

g*dd*mn it, Evelyn.

You think you can just come in
and steal my boyfriend

and nothing's gonna happen to you?

- Evelyn!
- Max!

You let her go.
This is between you and me.

You cheated on me... with her.

It's not like that, Ev. Now let her go
and I'll explain everything.

You broke my heart, Max.

I know, Ev,
but it's not beating anymore.

Now, let her go.
I'm not gonna ask again.

What the hell is going on, Max?

Olivia, this is Evelyn,

my dead ex-girlfriend.

What? This...

You know, I met you before
and you were a b*tch then,

and you're even a bigger b*tch now.

Evelyn! Enough.

- We were happy together Max.
- We weren't. We weren't, Ev.

I wasn't for a very long time.
It's my fault. I should have ended it.

Now, let her go and we can
break up for real this time.

I don't understand.

Evelyn, we weren't meant to be together.

Why?

You would never be happy with me
because I would never be happy.

Now, it's time to go, Ev.

It's time to be with your mom.

Okay.

But I'm taking you with me.

Oh, my God, that's so gross.

Olivia!

- You won't regret this, baby.
- Not on the runner.

- What?
- Not on the runner.

Not on the runner. Not on the runner.

Max!

Can't we just go back
to the way things were?

- You're dead to me.
- In the brain, Max, in the brain!

You as*h*le.

- Are you okay?
- Are you?

Yeah. Okay.

- Olivia, I'm...
- Max! Max!

You can't get rid of me that easily!

It's over, you stupid zombie b*tch!

Oh, sh*t.

Now I'm gonna k*ll you.

Both of you.

Travis!

That's right, woman.

Mother...

- I thought you were dead.
- Well, I'm back.

Oh, God.

Who are you?

- Who the hell are you?
- I'm Travis.

Yeah, I'm sorry. Olivia, this is Travis.
Travis, this is Olivia.

Yeah, I've heard a lot about you.

Jesus Christ, Max.
How many zombies do you know?

Just these two, really.

So...

what do we do now?

Bury your ex.

Olivia, I'm sorry I didn't tell you
about this sooner.

I really wanted to. I just...

I didn't know how.

And if you just let me,
I promise I will prove to you...

Let's bury her and get out of here.

- All right.
- Okay.

Good bye, Evelyn.

Here you go.

Stay cool, guys.

I'll be right with you.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Thank you, have a hell of a day.

Hey.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- How's biz?
- It's not bad. You?

It is so good it's scary.

Really? Well, then why are you late
on this month's rent?

Because I...

I spent all my money...

on this.

Well, what do you think?

Max, my love, I think we're gonna
make great partners.

Now, if only you could get
your brother to settle down.

Welcome to Max and Olivia's
Cream-atorium.

Hey, baby, you ever bang a zombie?

Once you go undead, it's never
been better in bed. Just sayin'!

Go.

Cut.

- Gross!
- Oh, f*ck!

I was gonna f*cking throw up.