02x04 - Mary

[bunniefuu]

Mate, where have you gone?

I can't really talk, man.

I've gone back with those three
women I got talking to at the bar.

They gave me some champagne.

One of them's got a house
down here or something.

What? Those old women?

Well, I guess they're a bit old,
but they're, like, really fun.

They got kicked out for vaping weed.
Didn't you see?

No, I was too busy
enjoying my own stag do.

Quite weird of you to just
go off like that.

I thought it'd be banter.

Why would it be... banter?

I now realise I don't have a very
solid idea of what actually is

and isn't banter.

Well, I'm going to go enjoy
the rest of my stag now.

Thanks for dropping in.

All right, text us
the address...

Ross? f*ck's sake!

Drink?

Yeah. Yeah, great.

Take your coat?
It gets hot in here.

Oh, does it now?

Because of the double Aga.

Oh.

Thanks.

I've loved walking in those woods
down there ever since

I was a little girl.

Did you, er, grow up here, then?

No, this is...

Well, it's a long story.

But basically this used to belong to
my great-great-grandmother, who...

well, she used to work for this
rich family who treated her awfully,

but it all sort of worked
out for her in the end.

Ah, right.

Shall we go back through?

Sure.

Cheers.

And then he saw the woman
in black again.

She stepped out in front of
the horse, it crashed into a tree

and his wife and kid died.

Oh, my gosh, that was terrible!

Hey, I was just telling this
hideous story about my friend who

kept seeing this woman in black.

That's just the plot of
The Woman In Black.

We saw it together, Bates.

Do you know what?

You are absolutely right!

Liam, what's the scariest thing
that's ever happened to you?

Well, I once nearly died actually.

♪ Sandstorm
by Darude ♪

Oh, you all right?

He's dying!

You worried us then, man!

Yeah.

Oh. Yeah, still carrying a lot of
trauma from that, I think.

More vape!

You want some?

Erm, I don't know.
It can make me pretty paranoid.

A bit can't hurt, though, can it?

Are you sure it was him?

Yeah, well, yeah...

I don't think she can even
remember what it was.

I remember... But you didn't want...

Actually...

...there was once this quite scary
thing that happened to me.

I was about 16.

And one afternoon, I was getting
stoned with my mates.

f*ck me!

Maskill weren't lying when he said
it were strong sh*t, were he?

The kinda sh*t that
puts me on paras, that.

The paras—short for paranoia.

A common effect of cannabis
consumption, caused by the THC

component of the drug—most
active in the so-called Super Skunk

varieties that were becoming more
widespread at that time.

We were often playing pranks to
exploit each others' paras,

most notably a prank called
The Squirrels.

Seeing Craggy is on paras,
Addy subtly calls Ralph.

Ralph then, hearing his phone ring
and seeing it's from Addy,

answers the call and pretends
to be having a very serious

conversation with someone.

Hello, is everything all right,
yeah?

What's wrong?

Really?

Bloody hell, that sounds terrible.

When he's noticed that Craggy is
paying attention to his call,

he starts hinting that the call
is about Craggy.

Yeah, yeah, he's here now, yeah.

No, I'm with him.

And then hangs up, saying...

All right, I'll let him know now.
Sound.

...prompting Craggy to ask...

Who were that?

To which Ralph would reply...

Squirrels.

No!

We were probably too old
to be getting stoned

and pretending to be
violent squirrels,

but what else could we do?

Staying at home was tedious.

We couldn't afford to
sit in the pub every night.

We were trapped in a kind
of h*m* exile

in the marginal spaces of the town,
and adventure was hard to come by.

Let's do one more all-nighter!

What, just stay out and
get stoned all night

like we used to back in day?

I think by "back in the day" here,
Ralph means sort of

four, five months ago.

Yeah! Except this time not just
sitting in Glebes Woods.

I'm saying we do it properly
before we all get too old.

One last all-nighter
to end all all-nighters.

Let's do it in Mary Pannal Wood!

All night in a wood, though?

Do you think me new sneaks'll
get dirty?

Got a bit of dirt on 'em
already—look.

f*ck! f*ck' hell!

Mary Pannal?

Weren't there a m*rder there
or summat?

I heard a paedo lives there.

I heard it's haunted by a witch.

What the f*ck?
Argh! Oh, my God!

What happened?

Calm down. It's just the fuse box.

The solar panels make it trip
sometimes. I'll go.

No. I'm not letting you go.

I'll go.

I'm not stopping you.

Yep, so... where is it?

In the loft. Great.
And that is...?

Upstairs. Top of the house.
Makes sense, yeah.

f*ck!

And he never saw any of them again,
and this is absolutely true.

I heard it from a cousin.

Oh, hey. Thanks for doing
the lights.

Oh, you just missed the scariest
story called The Licked Hand.

It's about this boy who was born
without a tongue.

Yeah, we don't need to
hear it again.

Why don't you go on with your story?

Oh, yeah, yeah. So, erm...

Where was I?

Your friends had just agreed to
spend the night in Mary Penny woods.

Mary Pannal.

Yep. Mary Pannal.

So next, we went to the shop
to get scran...

er, food.

What? Your jacket, man, you just got
a load of ash on your jacket.

Oh, f*ck. Oh, f*ck's sake.

Oi, that's my sister's boyfriend
you're talking about!

Eh-up, bro.

Eh-up, f*ck.

Now, then, boys, what you
doin' tonight then?

I guess we feared
Rupert and Tin Head would

find our plan childish.

Just watching a DVD at mine.

Yeah? What DVD?

Saw.

What region code?

I-I... I don't know what
a region code...

Region 1, North America.

Region 2, Europe.

Except Belarus. Oh, right. Ah...

Europe. Region 2.

Saw on DVD Region Code 2 in't
released till next month, mate.

Space Raiders, three bags for 50p!

Shut up, Addy.

A bit awkward that were, maggot.

Lyin' about a DVD region code?

So what is it you boys are really
up to tonight, then?

We're just...

We're spending night in
Mary Pannal Wood.

Mary Pannal Wood?

Swear that's 'aunted, innit?

No, it's just a normal wood.

According to legend, Mary Pannal,

a serving woman to the wealthy
Witham family,

prepared a herbal skin remedy
for one of

the family's children, William.

But the boy drank it and died.

And in 1583, Mary were accused
of witchcraft

and burnt at the stake in what
we now know as Mary Pannal Wood.

Her ghost is still said to
haunt the locale.

Mary Pannal in't gonna be happy
when she finds you boys

bumming in her wood, is she?

They say her ghost will appear
leading a horse

and that anyone who sees it
will die.

And for some who offend
Mary's ghost,

she's even been known to come back
and k*ll them herself years later.

Well, f*ck this, then, mate!
I ain't getting done in by a witch.

There obviously in't a witch,
is there?

There is a rhyme you can say
to banish her.

"Mary, Mary, banish thee.
No witches shall come close to me."

And you'll know if she's coming,

cos you'll feel the air get cold...

...and you'll hear the sound
of hooves.

Sorry, how did this Tin Head know so
much about DVDs and local folklore?

That was just Tin Head. He, er...
He knew everything.

Well, he got the year of
Mary Pannal's death wrong.

That was 1593, not 1583.

How do you know that?

Told you.

I'm from Yorkshire. Did you?

Yes, in the pub. Have you not
listened to anything I've said?

Sorry, I...

My memory's sh*t tonight
for some reason.

Want any more Blueberry Spunk?

Sure.

Why don't we, er, take a break
from the story and I could, erm...

...show you some more of the house?

Well, I'm kind of into it now.

Yeah, I want to know what happens.
Mm.

So I didn't believe all this
stuff from Tin Head, right?

You're just trying to put us on
paras. There in't really a witch.

Well, there's only one way to find
out, in't there, boys?

We'll go in Tin Head's car.

We'll see you there, yeah?

Erm, I think we'd rather go
just our sens.

Wait, you don't
still wanna go, do you?

Of course I do.

What, you don't want us there?

It's just...

This one's more just for, like,
the old g*ng, you know?

Yeah, man, yeah, course. Yeah.

All right, then, boys. Well...

...you stay safe, yeah?

And so we arrived at
the entrance to the wood.

I, once again, having to drag
the others with me.

Come on, what yous waiting for?

What Tin Head said were bollocks,
weren't it?

Aargh!

Oh, for f*ck's sake!

Oh, it's f*ck' 'orse sh*t!

All f*cking KFC wipes in world
couldn't clean that.

I'm gonna have to go home
if I wanna get that cleaned.

f*ck that. We're 'ere now. Come on.

It's creepy, that.

Shall we just go 'ome?

Can we stop tryin' to p*ssy out?

Let's just get in there,
find a nice spot, get a fire going

and do a massive f*cking bucket!

f*ck me. That's strong sh*t, that.
You don't even need to bucket it!

f*ck were that? Oh, it was just
a car door or summat.

Right, who's next on this bucket?

Why would someone be driving
their car in woods at

this time of night?

Ralph, chill out and have a bucket!

Nah, f*ck that. I don't need
any more o' that sh*t.

Hello?

Yeah, it is, yeah.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'll tell him.

All right. Bye.

What were that?

It's not good news,
to be honest, mate.

What?

Who were it? Just tell me.

Were it me dad?

It were squirrels.

Squirrels, squirrels!

f*cking f*ck off!

f*cking get off me,
you f*cking idiots!

Squirrel, squirrel, squirrel!
f*ck off!

f*cking absolute pricks!
I've lost my f*cking trainer!

It'll be around. 'Ere!

Wanna get up?

You can f*ck off.

Stop stressin'. We'll find it.

He's got sh*t all over his...

I think I've got trench foot, me.

I'm sure we've been here already.

I'm sick o' this, me.

Wait a minute.

What the f*ck?!

What is it doing there?

It's the witch!

It's not a witch! Probably just flew
off and got stuck when Ralph fell.

What, it just flew off and carefully
tied itself round a branch, did it?

No! There's definitely some innocent
explanation behind this.

Let's... Let's just get back
to the fire.

What are you running for? Come on!

We eventually made it back to
our base, to find that

the fire had gone out.

Weird.

Pretty big when we left it.

Right, someone get a bucket going.

'Ere, this lemonade bottle's open
and half of it's missin'.

Well, someone must have drunk it
earlier, then.

Well, I didn't. Did anyone else?

Craggy, you're on paras, mate.

Just eat your scran.

'Ere, this Lunchables ham!

So what?

I didn't buy ham—I got chicken.

I can remember because it were
last chicken one in shop!

Craggy, you're losing plot, mate.

Maybe just sit out
this next bucket, yeah?

That's good sh*t, that.

Hello?

Er, it is. Who's this?

No more squirrels.

I aren't in mood.
No, me neither.

Me neither. Well, it must be
one of you two.

I swear down it in't—look.

It sounds like an old woman.

She says she's watching us!

Stop taking the piss.

They just said that they can see
that I'm on a log

and that you've all just inhaled
smoke from the strange bottle.

And it was this point that
I became maybe a little bit scared.

Listen!

f*ck that.

He's not lying.

You're the one who's
not scared, aren't you?

Well, I bet you're shaking in
your Adidas jacket now, though.

Who is...

They've hung up.

Is it just me or is it freezing?

Aargh!

What were that?

f*ck knows! Shh, listen.

Horse's hooves!

Erm...

Mary, Mary, banish thee.

No witches shall come close to me.

Mary, Mary, banish thee!
No witches shall come close to me!

Mary, Mary, banish thee!

No witches shall come close to me!

Mary, Mary, banish thee!
No witches shall come close to me!

Aargh! Help!

You are gonna die in these woods!

Mummy!

Did you just say Mummy, Ralph?

That's funny as f*ck.

Did I f*ck!

You wankers!

So who were that on phone?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

So it were you doing all pranks?

Tyin' Ralph's trainer tree,
swapping my Lunchable?

Yeah. Doing that horse's hoof noise?

Wait, what you on about,
horse's hoof noise?

How did you do that?
Wi' a coconut or summat?

What you on about, a coconut?

Sit down, Word Maggot,
you're stoned out yer head.

Right, let's see this bucket, then.

What we working with?

So the water washes
the smoke and then...

What you doing, Rupert?

Don't start all that again.

No, you lads need to turn around.

f*ck off. We're not falling for it.

Man, there's summat f*cking weird
behind yous—I aren't kidding!

Shut up, Rupert!

Yeah, he's right.

Liam!

f*ck.

Going Ooh!

And then...

And then you going, Nooo!

Lucy, you do not dress as a ghost
and go crawling like a crab

through a wood at midnight tryin'
to scare your little brother!

Ha-ha! You little maggots,
f*cking sh*t your sens!

I've had enough of this, me.
Let's go.

What? No way. There was nothing
to be scared of.

Oh, you should have said that
when you were all over

floor behind the log!

Here, if I get some Flash on
these sneaks in next hour

I should be all right.
Which way is it again?

I have no f*cking idea.

Wow. So that was the most scared
you have ever been?

I know. That's just such
a cruel prank!

Actually, er...

...not the end of the story.

Summat's not right.

f*ck' North Star keeps moving.

I think you're just taking us
round in circles, Tin Head.

It's not my fault Polaris
is being a twat.

Don't you let me down now,
Tin Head, son.

You find that f*cking pole star,
lad.

Wait here. I'm just going
for a piss.

Pack it in, you lot!

You lot?

Hello?

Mary, Mary, banish thee!

No witches shall come close to me!

Aaargh!

Whoa. That's a spooky story!

I actually really liked how
long and detailed it was.

And Mary Pannal may yet
come back for me.

Ooh!

Aren't you spooked, Maz?

What, by some interminable anecdote
about a load of teenage boys

with unresolved misogynistic
anxieties manifesting through

some hysterical fear about a witch?

Absolutely petrified, yeah.

I think Maz has dropped something.

It's a driving licence.

Maz's driving licence...

Yes.

Why don't you take it to her?

Well, he got the year
of Mary Pannal's death wrong.

That was 1593.

A serving woman to the
wealthy Witham family.

She used to work for this rich
family who treated her awfully.

But the boy drank it and died.

It sort of worked out for her
in the end.

And for some who offend
Mary's ghost,

she's even been known to come back
and k*ll them herself years later.

I wondered if you'd follow me
out here.

Mary, Mary banish thee.
No witches shall come close to me!

Oh, my God, you actually think
I'm Mary Pannal?

Your driving licence says
"Maria Pannal".

Look at it again.

Maria Pearce?

Sounds nothing like Pannal.

But...

...the tattoo on your wrist is
the same symbol as I saw

at the entrance to the wood!

The Blue Oyster Cult logo.

I got it when I was 15.

Who was carving that into trees
then?

Well, these things last a long time,
don't they?

Well, what about the broomstick
in the loft?

The sweeping brush?

Well, and then...

What?

Nah, nothing.

You were going to say the wart,
weren't you?

No! 5% of the population have
warts.

Sorry.

I guess I'm just, er...

...on paras.

Yes, I think you are.

So, then, why did you, erm...

...invite me back here?

Well, I thought
I wanted to f*ck you.

You seemed kind of funny in the pub.

I was bored. I thought, "Why not?"

Oh, what? Does it make you
uncomfortable for a woman

in her 50s to be so forthright?

A bit.

Well, I... I'd still be up
for it, then, if you...

Fair enough.

Well, I should probably, er,
get back to the stag do.

Sure.

Certain drugs, cannabis among them,
have a way of revealing to us

what's really going in our psyches.

I'm not advocating regular drug use
as some sort of self-care,

but if we can be occasionally
exposed to the true neuroses

which underpin our daily experience
then we can learn from that,

and begin to overcome our
innermost fears.

♪ Don't Fear The Reaper
by Blue Oyster Cult ♪