Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things (1972)

[bunniefuu]

Who the hell is that?

What? Son of a b*tch.

Good Lord, I think
that one's alive.

Let me see about that one.

Middle of the night...

Paul, light that other lantern
for me.

Perfect. Absolutely perfect.

Hurry up with that lantern.

Hey, Alan, I can't find
the sail bag.

It's forward.

I looked, I can't find it.

Oh, Christ, I'll get it.

- Hey, Paul.
- Yeah?

This island doesn't smell
so hot.

Well, that's because they
probably don't bury

their dead too deep.

This place is creepy.

Are we really going
to dig up a dead body?

That's what he said.

Sort of makes him a ghoul,
doesn't it?

- Boy, that's typecasting.
- Shh, he'll hear you.

So.

So, you'll be an unemployed
actress.

Paul, use this.

Well, I don't see
any dead people.

Oh, the, uh, the
graveyard starts right

up around that bend.

Where's the cottage?

Oh, a few hundred yards
from the graveyard.

Say, um, Paul, I was thinking.
Since, uh, Terry's a new member

of the company, sort of, uh,
coming into her theatrical

puberty, so to speak, ha ha,

I just might have to invoke
the rule of primal juncture.

Primal juncture, what's that?

It means he gets to make
it with me first.

Sort of like the sl*ve master
breaking in all

the new virgins, right?

Well, crudely put, but, uh,
basically accurate.

Well, Paul?

Well, you'll have to ask
the virgin.

You're about ten years
too late.

I lost it when I was a Brownie,
to an Eagle Scout.

Oh, really?

Scout's honor.

Uh, how many merits
does an Eagle Scout

get for seducing a Brownie?
- I don't know, you'll have

to check that in your
Boy Scout Manual,

under Things to do in
the woods."

Clever girl.

Everybody grab your
suitcases.

Hey, Alan, who's your travel
agent? Count Dracula?

I feel like I'm on the Late,
Late Show.

I'd whistle past the graveyard,
but my lips are afraid

to be separated.

Gee, I wonder if Tab Hunter
started like this?

Oh, I haven't laughed this hard
since Granny

got caught in the wringer.

There's a light ahead.

- What is it?
- That's the graveyard.

What the hell are they
doing

with a street lamp out here?

This used to be a resort island.
Come on.

Oh, and don't vorry,
they only drink

kosher blood here, and all
the vampires have their health

cards and they get inspected
once a week.

You know, Alan, you're really
weird. You oughta be in a wax

museum somewhere.

Kneeling right under the guy
in the black hood.

Well, there it is. Ulalume,
the sanctum of Satan.

It's a set, you had it built.

It's a masterpiece.
The vibrations are powerful.

Why the hell would they build
a graveyard out here?

Ah, yes, a logical question, uh,
to which there is

a logical answer. The island
you see has a history,

which I shall relate. But first,
the ten cent tour.

Which we get for only
a quarter.

This area is the pauper
secfion.

All the corpses here were buried
recently.

Kelly just, urn, levels off a
section of ground, throws

the stiffs in it until the
section is filled

then levels off another.

You mean the people right under
my feet were just put here?

Ha ha, they're hardly cold.
And a more delightful gaggle

of retches you will never meet.

Murderers, rapists...

There aren't any paupers
buried in that section.

No, indeed there aren't.
That is hallowed ground.

Come children, Uncle Alan's
going to curdle your blood.

Uncle Alan already does.

Turns my stomach too.

I hope these things are
going to stay in the ground.

- Not if I can help it.
- Yick.

Feast your eyes on one
of the last vestiges of grace,

one of the last flights of pure
imagination,

of unadulterated creativity.

It's a boneyard.

A boneyard? A boneyard?
What a travesty!

A sacrilege! A masterful
reduction of the sublime

to the commonplace.

Only a truly ordinary mind,
Jeffrey, could conceive

such an idea.

It is kind of pretty.

Give me a moment.
The magnitude of your

simplitude overwhelms me.

Oh, what the hell's he
talkin' about?

Humor him, it's an old
w*r injury. I'll talk to him.

Alan... is it your hemorrhoids
again?

Your levity does not amuse
me, Jeffrey.

You're on sacred ground,
my friend.

A very font of evil. For in this
very crypt, lay a man

whose malice appalled
the gods.

Whose unrelenting thirst
for vengeance inflamed

the mind of Satan himself.

Even now, demonic forces
hover here,

feeding upon the psychic
force of that one act.

Be still.

Listen.

Even now, their malevolent
gaze may be falling upon you.

I don't care if their gaze falls
upon me, as long as they

keep their pea-pickin' hands
to themselves.

Come, children, stay in single
file and take hold

of one another. There are, urn,
things in the night

waiting for children who stray
out of the light.

It's a good thing he's a
director, because, wow,

- what a bad actor.
- I don't know,

I kind of get the feeling
something is following us.

- Oh, what rot.
- Could be.

Could be rotten.

- Did you hear that?
- Yeah, I think I did.

Oh, brother, Alan will love
this. I know I heard

something. Wait a minute.

Well, we all heard it.

Evil entities. I told you
about them.

Not evil entities. Probably just
one weird person.

What's the difference? We've
got a shotgun in here.

Paul, you can't scare off demons
with a shotgun.

I don't care about demons,
I just hope we haven't

offended the leader of some
hippy cult.

Oh, Christ, did you have
to say that?

No, no, he's right.

What a perfect place
for a mass m*rder.

How about this - a group
of jaded young deviants,

that's us, comes to a burial
island to, uh, dabble

in witchcraft, try a few spells,
but, uh, but we stumble

onto some really sick cult
which follows us along

a deserted path until,
until finally...

- Oh, come on.
- I'm leaving.

Don't give him the satisfaction.

What, I'm just being realistic.
I mean, uh, they're having

trouble all over the world
with grave robbers,

ghouls, people breaking
into cemeteries.

But we're the grave robbers,
whose going to bother us?

Nobody... but demons.

Come on now, children,
it's late

and we've got a lot to do.

- Cheerful.
- Yeah, it has a nice,

homey feeling.

Better get used to it, it's home
for now.

How long has this place
been empty?

About two years.

This door is pretty sturdy.
Let's check the windows.

- Who lives here?
- The caretaker of the cemetery.

- Where is he now?
- An insane asylum.

Oh, God, I'm afraid to ask.

Oh, it's quite ordinary, really.

k*lled his wife and two children,
they found him babbling.

Why didn't they get another
caretaker?

They did.

Hey, look. There's a woodpile.
At least we can build a fire.

That's the best news I've heard
all night.

Paul, come here.

We can kick these shutters in.

Go ahead, Paul, do your
athlete thing.

Go through and open the door.

Jesus Christ!

- Paul, what's the matter?
- Paul!

Spiders, goddamnit!
Jesus, I hate spiders!

Jesus, I hate spiders!

You scared the hell
out of us.

Oh, sorry!

Why don't you come around,
I'll open the door.

Ah, not bad. Um, Jeff and Paul,
you bring in the trunk, and, uh,

Jeffrey, then you build a fire
in the fireplace. All right?

Hmm, not bad, not bad at all.

I, uh, I suggest we explore
the quarters while Jeffrey's

building the fire. We may
even come across a fuse box,

- who knows?
- I suggest, let's sit

by the fireplace until it's lit.
You Boy Scouts go and explore.

Anya, why don't you tidy up?
And, Jeffrey, you repair

that window, would you please?

Paul, Terry and I will ferret
out the castle.

Hey, why don't we let the mighty
Joe Karate repair the window,

since he broke it.

I'm going to ferret out
the castle with the master.

Hmm, look.

Oh, God! Oh, this is getting
worse all the time.

- What is it?
- Rats.

Well, if we come under siege,
and the supplies run low...

- rat stew.
- In your case,

that would be cannibalism.

Ha. Let's check upstairs. Paul,
get me that lantern,

would you please?

I keep thinking about Satan
worshipers with hatchets.

I'm not surprised.

Did you read about those
campers last week?

A group of kids came
over to their campsite and,

invited them for dinner.
When they got to the kid's

camp, they realized they
were the dinner.

All right, all right.
Jesus Christ.

- Hey, did they...?
- Yeah, they sure did.

Look, I, uh... I shouldn't ask,
but whatever happened

to the other caretaker?

- He hanged himself.
- You shouldn't have asked.

In, uh, in this very room,
if I'm not mistaken.

Now, wait a minute. This is too
much.

You tell us the first caretaker
m*rder*d his family,

the second caretaker hanged
himself.

I mean, it's like a grade B
movie where the villian

tries to drive the victims mad.

Oh, a villain, how flattering.

Do you have a large insurance
policy on this company?

No, I'm bumping you all
off as my contribution

to good theater.

Terry and I are going downstairs

This is beginning to look
like the “Lost Weekend."

You know what they say,
"A fire a day keeps those

ghosts away."

Why would you want to keep
them away?

Wouldn't it be beautiful to be
really in the presence

of a ghost?

- A being from another plane.
- You're serious?

Yes, of course.

Well, I don't know. I always
heard that ghosts have a way

of being downright nasty.

Oh, that's not true. What people
perceive as evil in ghosts

and spirits is only a reflection
of their own malevolence

and fear.

People create their own demons.

That's not very original, Anya.

Something is going to happen
tonight...

I can feel it.

Oh, I wouldn't go in there,
Anya. The place is full of rats.

Oh, they don't bother me.
Rats don't mind people

that don't mind them.

I'll have to remember that

next time I run into a rat.

Personally, I never met a rat
I didn't like.

"Let's take a rat
to lunch today, show him

that he's one of the bunch
today."

All right, children, story time.

Uncle Alan's going to chill
your marrow and make you

squeal and get all wet
and get goose pimples.

What the hell's the g*n for?

Just in case any little ghosties
try to break in here

and gobble up my children.

Hey, you got silver buckshot
in there?

- No... but I've got this.
- What is it?

What is it? It's the sorcerer's
source box, the warlock's

w*r chest, the conjuror's
conjuration.

The nincompoop's knapsack.

If things get really desperate,
I'll just have you re-enact

some of your past performances.

Not even a thing from the
blackest pit of hell

could stand up to that.

- What else have you got?
- Oh, I've got many things.

For instance, this.

Banes to ward off evil entities.

Gee, Mr. Wizard, how do you
get the litmus paper

to turn blue?

Same way I get the egg
into the Coke bottle, b*tch.

And this treasure of treasures

Here, Anya, hold that
'til I'm ready.

What, pray tell, is that
treasure of treasures?

Later, Jeffrey, later.
First, my robe.

Oh, wow! Where can I pick
up one of those?

On the other side of eternity,
my dear.

Talk about "my" performances.

What time is it?

Uh, it's 11230.

Perfect.

Perfect for what?

Midnight is the optimum time
for any summation.

Wait a minute, just exactly
what are we summoning?

I think it's about time
the wizard came clean.

Oh, time the wizard came clean.

Ha ha ha, you know that's very
poetic, Paul, in a prosaic

kind of way.

Look, we may not be poets,
but we do have a right

to know what's going on.

The people speak! A little
democratic action, ay?

Well, let me remind you, my
darlings, that this company

is not a democratic enterprise.
It's a feudal state.

I rule it. I own it. I own you.

The only difference between this
feudal state and any other

feudal state is that here the
serfs, uh, that's you, can quit

anytime you like. Anybody
wanna quit? Huh?

Huh?

Aw, the revolution is dead.
Long live the king.

Ha ha ha. However, as befits
a benevolent and loving ruler,

I shall divulge all.
Anya, the book.

This is a grimoire, a book
of ancient spells, descending

in a direct line from the druids
and the old religion.

It has spells, counter spells,
conjurations, summations and...

here is the spell I have chosen
for our purposes.

It details the simple steps
and the simple words

necessary to enable a master
to call forth the dead

from their graves, to bend their
wills to his and serve him

always in this world...
and the next.

And this island meets
the unique stipulations

required for a summation.

A consummate evil was
committed here, a curse lies

upon it and there are fresh
cadavers available

and waiting for us.

And it's nearly midnight, so I
suggest we go

and exhume our corpse.

Hey, Alan, how many years
do they give you

- for grave robbing?
- They hang you.

Suspended sentence, ay?

- Oh, my God, is nothing sacred?
- Ding dong, Avon calling, ha ha.

I suppose Jeff and I
are the burial detail?

Val can help you.

Let's see, "Orville Dunworth,
1929-1971."

Oh... he oughta be ripe.

Ok, this is the one.

So, this is the lucky stiff,
huh?

Oh, shut up.

Ok, troops, dig in.

- Where's Anya?
- She's back by the crypt.

Excellent. Well, let's see
if anybody's home. Open up.

Hope he doesn't mind us dropping
in like this.

Jesus Christ, is that for real?

God, I don't believe it.

Looks like Dracula.

Decomposition does strange
things to people.

Haul him up, Jeff, let's take
a closer look.

You want me to touch that thing?

He won't bite you.

Oh, I wouldn't bet on it.

Just lift him up to the rim,
Jeff. Paul and I will haul

him out.

- Roy?
- Certainly, you crazy b*tch.

- You b*stards!
- Listen, Alan...

This crazy man bloodied
my nose.

No... ha ha ha.

Paul, listen, it isn't funny,
we were on the verge

of a genuine tragedy here.

I Peed my pants.
I Peed my pants.

Listen, my nose is bleeding.
That's blood from my body.

Listen, Alan, you didn't say
there'd be a madman

with an axe. Jesus Christ,
I could've been seriously hurt.

- You mean this was a gag?
- No! No, Paul, these are two

real ghouls. They just, they just
had a change of heart,

that's all.

Yeah, we're trying
to go straight.

I oughta use this
on you, man.

Ha ha ha, I peed my pants.
Huh, yeah, I peed my pants.

Medic!

Oh, good heavens.

Mayhem, carnage, ugh,
this is really the limit.

I mean fun's fun, but really!

Hush, darling, I'm putting you
in for a Purple Heart.

Is that Emerson?

Oh, my God!

You've got a weird sense
of humor.

Oh, come one, let's give
the devil his due.

Very good, Alan.

Get up, Jeff.

I Peed my pants.

We all did.

That was really masterful.

How long did you take on this?

Emerson, Roy and I came out here
yesterday and set it up.

Bravo! Come on Emer,
let me see your makeup.

Ha ha, magnificent. How long
did it take you?

Oh, I worked on it
for about three hours.

Mine took four hours,
of course, I was the lead.

Because you're stupid enough
to let yourself be buried

in a filthy hole.

- How long were you in there?
- About an hour.

You can last several hours.

Let's see your battle wound,
Roy.

And of course the mad, cultist
k*ller who was stalking us

was Emerson.

I cannot tell a lie, it was I
and my trusty fangs.

Only a truly sick mind could
have conceived such a plot.

Thank you.

And you, you little devils,
you gave the best performance

of your entire careers.

I peed in my pants.

Will you quit giving us a
play-by-play

of your flabby bladder?

My God, you should have seen
the creature

we took out of that hole.
I nearly fainted,

he's really dead.

He was probably a dishwasher.

That's a far cry from robber
barons and r*pe and demons.

There are a bunch of plumbers
and panhandlers buried out here.

Pretty punk stuff to tempt
Satan with.

Not quite so. I'm sure there are
quite a few murderers

and other assorted types
that will please the master.

Emerson, what time is it?

- It's five of twelve.
- Ah, the Witching hour.

We have to hurry, he won't wait.

Urn, what did you do with what's
his name, Orville?

- He's over behind that tomb.
- Wait a minute.

The joke's over. Terry's scared
as hell,

I'm taking her out of here.

Have a good swim and don't
forget to drop

your script off at the theater
when you get back.

It's ok, Paul. It scared me,
that's all. I'm all right now.

Look, this has gone far enough,
man.

Look, it's my job too, I don't
want to be fired.

- You sure?
- Oh, why don't you stop?

If I made her crawl in that
coffin and spend the night

with Orville, you wouldn't lift
a finger to help if you thought

it would cost you your job.

And you know why? Because you're
headed for the top...

the new Brando, actor, stud,
bon vivant. All man-bull.

You know what you are?
You're a slab of meat

I hired to dress my stage.
And I like my sides of beef

to hang quietly in the corner
until I need them.

So why don't you just shut up!

Oh, I hate it when you get so
sentimental and mushy like that.

Of course they'll stay.

They wouldn't miss a chance
to see you

square off with the devil.

Or maybe eat a little crow,
when your performance

gets a big yawn.

If we judge by past performance,
I don't think I'll bore anybody.

You can't live old reviews.
This is a new play.

Let's get it on.

What do you say, children?

Would you like to see
the maestro perform?

Do you think we can take it?

I'm not too worried.

Jeffy?

I don't care, give 'em hell.
Anybody got a dry Pamper?

Gentlemen?

As long as we don't have
to dig 'em up.

All right, it's time.

Go and drag Orville over here.

- Anya? Where's Anya?
- She's abiding.

Anya, what are you doing now?

I'm gazing at the scroll
of immortality.

Well, when you come to the end
of a chapter, will you please

crawl up out of that hole and
get the book and the makings.

It's really much nicer in here.

Great, we'll make it for a
weekend sometime, all right?

Come on now, it almost midnight.

Is it?

Good. Good. He's magnificent.
Look at him, Anya.

I wonder what he's thinking.

Jeff, get the candles.

Lift Orville up here.

Let's see. We'll... prop him
up against the crucifix.

Bend his arms over the lateral.

My God, he's stiff as plaster.

Ha ha, perfect.

Anya, the envelope.

"And what's in the envelope?"
they all asked, breathlessly.

What's in the
envelope, Alan?

Blood. The dried blood of an
unborn infant,

as called for in the Book
of Spells.

Now, don't worry,
no m*rder was committed,

it's just that every summation
demands a sovereign ingredient

to a sacrifice.

This is ours. Help me up.

Now we begin.

Jeff, Paul, Emerson and Roy,
grab shovels.

I want you to follow behind me,
break the earth over the graves.

Thus.

I will go after and anoint them
as prescribed. Go.

And after we do all of this,
the dead are going to rise

from their graves, right?

Thus spaketh the master.

Hmm, an oldie but a goodie.

Silence!

Poor Anya.

Any second now, I expect
to see her float off.

Summon the dead,
bullshit.

Jesus Christ!

- What is it?
- Look.

Hold this.

God.
It's beautiful.

It's hideous.

- The root broke it open.
- This is a sign.

They will rise.
This is the sign.

Bull.

The root undermined the coffin,
that's all.

It's a sign.

Anya.

Come.

What happened over there, Alan?

Never mind.

Kneel around the grave.

Clasp your hands together in the
inverted prayer, like this.

Open your minds.
Remove all doubt,

but be on your guard.

Let nothing take hold of you.
Let nothing enter your body.

From this time on, you must
be silent.

"O Great Diviner,

Master of the Three Worlds,

Disciple who became Master,

Lord of the Nether World,

Lord of Night,

Prince of Darkness,

Despoiler of Light,

Diviner of Powers,

Redeemer of Passion,

Crucible of Flesh.

By the blood incarnate,
by the flesh made proud,

by the soul devoured of itself,

by these words we do implore,
by these deeds we do supplicate

and call upon the grace of thee,
Lord Almighty of the Underworld,

to release the souls
of all thy servants

who lie here un-redeemed
to release them

to serve thy servant,

bending their wills always to his,
thus to thine own.

By the blood of babes unborn,
by the inversion of the Savior,

by the bond of thine own hand,

we do entreat thee, deliver them
up to us to command

in thy name, to serve our will and
thine own.

By Lucifer, Beelzebub, Mephistopheles,
Arkaneez

and all the under lords we do entreat,

let them rise, let them rise up.

Spiritus aquatani, salvete, let them rise.

Let them rise up, Satan, god of all.

They must be out to lunch.

Shut up, Jeffrey.

Looks like a no-show.

A fraud, a cheap, plastic
fraud.

Ha! Satan, you phony.
You liar!

You sorry sot!

I paid my money
and I expect my merchandise.

You cretinous clown.
You don't have any power.

Petty panderer! Cheap,
chiseling con artist!

Two-bit, penny-ante potion
peddler!

You lose, Alan.

You lose. Your summation
is a bummer.

A silly little ghost story.

You should have stuck
to the clown act.

It suits your talent.

And your vilification of Satan
is rice pudding, soggy oatmeal,

stale goods, Alan, like all
your creative efforts.

You're a clerk, Alan,
a bookkeeper.

You'd better accept that.

And you know why?

Because it takes an artist to deal
with the devil,

not an insurance man
with delusions of grandeur.

Get out of the grave.

Get out of the grave, Alan.

Let an artist show you how
call a curse down on Satan.

Hail, Satanic Majesty!

Hail, mighty Master of Evil!

Tormentor of Lost Souls,

paragon of Perfidy,

antichrist, vilest of the vile,

respected foe of Jehovah and the archangel,

usurper, seducer,

panderer supreme.

Hail!

Hail!

So what's with this little thing
we're asking?

A few rotting corpses
to serve our meager needs.

So what's the trouble, hmm?

You got the blood you were
asking, right?

You got Orville, right?

You've got the warlock and his w*r chest.

Right?

Is that a bargain, I ask you?

A vizard, foist class!

So vhere's the goods?

Satan!

You tveaker of puppy-dog tails!

You bilious bag of bombast.

You paltry purveyor of potence.

You half-vitted Helicon of horse manure.

Mighty master of evil!

Ha!

Your most terrifying trick
is growing warts

on old ladies' noses,

scaring scarecrows, snitching buttons,

ingrown toenails, corns and chickenpox.

That's your speed.

Very good, Valerie, very good.

Excellent.

Bravo. Not bad.

It's a tie game!

Not quite. I've got another ace
in the hole.

Or, uh, an ace out of the hole,
I should say.

- It's party time, it's the shank
of the evening.

My friend, Orville, and I
are having c*ck

in ten minutes at my
island cottage.

- Strictly informal.
- Wait a minute,

- you can't do that.
- Oh, but I can.

It's Orville's coming-out party.
He's been away for a long time.

Orville's in the underground,
you know.

I'm sure he has many
interesting things to tell us.

Alan, you're not really
gonna take that thing

- back to the cottage.
- But it's his party.

I, I mean, it certainly would
be rude not to invite

him to his own party.

We should show some respect
for the dead.

Why? The dead are losers.

If anybody hasn't earned
respect, it's the dead.

A man has a right to some
dignity, even when he's dead.

Man? Man is a machine
that manufactures manure.

Anya?

We'll put him back.

I think he'll like it.

We won't embarrass him,
will we, Alan?

Oh, not a bit, no.

I'd be mortified, I...

More than likely Orville will shame
us all.

You always seem to be holding
the cards, Alan.

Let's see how many more you
have up your sleeve.

OK.

Jeff, you and Paul escort Orville
back to the cottage.

Carry him Roman style.

Roy, you and Emerson stay here
and fill in the graves.

And then bring the trunk back
to the cottage when you come.

Why do we get all the physical
stuff?

Because you're such physical
brutes.

Oh, and you'd better bring
the caretaker

back to the house with you.

Wait 'til g*y Power hears
about this.

It's customary to carry
the corpse over the threshold.

Right!

Looks like the honeymoon
is over.

Wrong, we're not even
married yet.

Wait a minute now,
let's see.

Stand him... him?
Her? It?

Stand "it" up.

- You crushed his bouquet.
- Correction - it's bouquet.

It does have a very definite
bouquet

Careful, that's my bride-to-be
you're talking about.

A perfect match.

And you, a holy man.
Shame, shame.

Paul, you can be best man.

Or should I say best corpse?

Ten to one it's a shotgun
wedding.

Let's see. Family of the groom
on the right.

Family of the corpse on the
left. Val, if you don't mind.

Laughs.

All right, who's going to give
the bride away?

I don't know but you
better hurry.

Music.

Begin.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today
to join together this man

and this, urn, body,

in holy - well, not so holy,
but it's okay, wedlock.

Uh, more or less.

All right, please repeat
after me.

I, Alan, take this body...

I, Alan, take this body...

Welcome to it, you deserve
everything you're getting.

To love, honor and cherish,
in sickness and in health,

for richer or for poorer,
'til death do you part.

And you'd better hurry, believe
you me. Ha ha ha...

And, Orville, do you
go along with all of this?

Well, then by the power invested
in me by Reddy Kilowatt,

I now pronounce you man and...
well, whatever he is. Ha ha.

Paul, see if you can put
some life into the party.

Which party are you
referring to?

Down, Jeff.

OK, Big P, let's get this show
on the road.

What's the matter, big fella?

Cat-daver got your tongue?

What a bunch of stiffs, eh, Orv?

That's all right, keep a stiff
upper lip.

Keep a stiff upper lip!

Orville's my straight man.

All right, pretty boy,
you do it.

I can't think of anything funny
to say.

That's because it's not funny.

It's disgusting.

Disgusting?

Do I, uh, disgust you,

Miss, uh, Seducible Brownie?

Why, this is just good,
clean fun.

Sure, check it out in your
Girl Scout Manual under,

"Things to do in the cemetery".

Now, wait a minute.
- Sit down, meat.

You know, I don't think
that Orville likes

being called, uh, disgusting.

I know that I don't like
being called disgusting.

Perhaps you shouldn't be working
for someone so, uh...

disgusting!

Hmm? Maybe I ought to just
release you from your contract

under the, uh, "disgusting"
clause.

And, and also from my
disgusting "claws." Hmm?

Well, guess we'll have to dig
up a new actor, eh, Orville?

Got anyone you'd
like to recommend?

- No.
- It's an immediate opening.

I didn't mean to start anything.

You didn't mean to start
anything? Why did you, then?

- I was upset.
- Well, now Orville's upset.

I don't know. I'll see
if he'll forgive you.

What do you think, Orville?

Want to listen to what she's
got to say?

What's that?

Very righteous of you.

He will hear you.

I would apologize to you,
Orville... but

He speaks.

How magnanimous.

He says you may sit.

With a sense of humor
like yours, you...

Please, do not
flatter him.

That is so insulting.
Anya? Care to join in?

Shouldn't treat him like this.

Look at how beautiful he is,
Alan and how sad.

We shouldn't hurt him
or make fun of him.

He won't like us if we do.

He'll be angry with us.

We should respect his beauty.

There is great beauty in death.
It shouldn't be defiled.

No, Anya, that won't do.

That won't do at all.

He wants to see more feeling.

Real feeling.

I'm new to the company,
so naturally,

I wanted to make an
impression.

I, I don't think he believes you.

It's true, I really
don't go for any of this

but I felt like I had to because
I wanted to be accepted.

I, I don't think he believes
any of that phony crap.

Terry, I don't think he thinks
you have any talent.

I'm not sure that "I" think
you have any talent.

I do though!

I do have talent when I have
a good part

and when I'm really
in character.

I do have talent, I do.

A few tears, well, that's a
little more convincing.

- Next!
- Stop it!

What did you say?

Listen. Listen.

If we respect him,

he'll respect us.

Look, he's trying to tell us.

You can see it in his face.

It's clay, that's all.

Feel it.

It's like a primitive hut,

clay pieces stuck together
with splints of bone.

That's all you are, Orville,
old buddy.

- Clay, mud.
- Stop it. Stop it!

Orville's my friend.
I'll do what I want with him.

He's mine.

I'm gonna take you home
with me Orville

and I'm gonna prop you up
in my living room.

And when friends come to call,

I'm going to say, "Here's my
good friend, Orville."

stop it!

And when you finally fall apart,

I'm going to take your scraps
and feed them to my dog.

How about that, Anya?
Am I showing enough respect

- for the dead?
- Stop it!

And when he's nothing but
bones, I'm going to take him

all apart and use him for
book ends.

Or maybe a soup ladle,
or a mobile.

Anything that comes to mind.

- Stop talking like that.
- Why?

I'm going to get a big kick
out of it.

And I'll tell you what I'll do,
I'll take all the bones

and I'll paint them and use them
for Chrismas decorations, hmm?

Deck the halls with
bones of ivory.

You don't know what
you are saying.

I know what I'm saying
all right.

Come on, Orville. Time for bed.

Let go of him!

We didn't know what we doing.
We'll make up for this.

I didn't understand before,
but I do now!

Oh, God!

Please forgive us.

Please!

You will, won't you?

You will, you will?

Please.

Please, no!

No! No!

They won't!
They won't!

We have to get out of here!

- Please!
- Get that thing out of here!

No, don't touch it, don't touch
it! It's evil!

You're evil!

You!

You!

Oh...please!
Please!

You've gone too far this time.

I don't give a damn
what you think. Get out!

She feeling any better now?

Oh, I wouldn't say she's in the
best of health.

You feeling better?

She seems calmer.

Look, Jeff, I think we ought
to get out of here.

Do you think we can move her?

We've got to, she needs help.

Ok, but I hope she doesn't get
hysterical again.

We're all going to get
hysterical

if we don't get out now.

And that's what we're
going to do.

You're a great
teacher, Orville,

and a wonderful friend.

And I think, in time,

we may get even closer.

Hey, don't put the shovels up,
we have to bury Mr. Hyde

- over there.
- Listen, that thing smells.

Listen, we're not asking you
to wear it, just bury it.

God, you're disgusting.

- What are you gonna do with it?
- Just cover it with some dirt.

Oh, look at that ring,
isn't it fantastic?

Oh. Oh, they buried him
without his Right Guard.

Alan.

Alan's gone,
may I help you?

You never give up, do you?

- I've only just begun.
- We're leaving.

Oh, that's interesting. How are
you going?

We're taking your boat.

- Huh, claiming the victory, eh?
- That's right.

You going to, ah, finance your
victory celebration

with your unemployment checks?

It won't work, Alan.
This time you lose.

Orville still loves me.

- Is he coming?
- I didn't ask him.

My God, what's that?

- Jesus Christ!
- Wait.

Roy... Oh, God.

They're coming! They're coming!

We didn't hurt him!
We didn't hurt him!

Paul, get me a board,
something to cover this with.

Get me a hammer and nails.
Come on, hurry!

What is it?

That thing, I swear to God,
it's from the graveyard,

that thing.

- That's ridiculous.
- It is, I swear it is.

Jesus, it is. It is. Oh, God.

Wait a minute.

Alan.

Is this a joke?

The door, Alan, the one
by the front door.

Help, Jeff! Hurry!

Hurry!

Ah! Ah! Hurry!

Now, Paul.

Val, get a hammer.

Paul.

- What about that room?
- The windows are boarded

- but you'd better check.
- Yeah.

They've stopped.

God! This is impossible.

- Let me see.
- They're just standing there.

- They can't get in back there.
- Good.

Oh, my God,
look at those things.

Come on, let's check
the back.

- What's happened?
- I don't know.

It can't be. Give me the
flashlight, quick!

- They're everywhere.
- What is this?

Why are they after us?

Man, I don't care why,
they're trying to k*ll us.

Now wait a minute.
Well, we don't know that.

Let's just... let's just use
our heads.

Maybe they just wanna frighten
us off.

What the hell are you talking
about?

For Christ's sake, man,
look at Roy.

ROY -

ROY -

He's dead.

Dead? Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

They must have gotten Emerson
too.

What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do?

- Are you all right?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm OK.

What are we gonna do about
this?

One of them tried
to get in here.

Well, we'll lock the door.
Come on.

We've got to check the
other bedroom.

It's Ok.

Look.

They're gonna k*ll us.

They can't get up here,
it's too high.

What are we gonna do?

I think it, fairly obvious,

somebody's got to get to the
boat and bring help.

Look, we're trapped in here.
If they found a way

to get up to the bedroom,

it won't be a long time before
they're in here.

But what about the g*n?

Look, we left it in the trunk
back at the graveyard.

Yeah, well they seem pretty
slow. Why don't we try

and run for it. There are too
many of them and we

don't know how many more
of them are outside the light.

Look, uh... if you could
get them out front somehow,

I could slip out the back.

- No, Paul, please.
- It's probably the only way.

You think you can get by them?

You're gonna have to go out the
door and fight them

until they all get out front.

It should work.

Right.

Let's do it.

All right, Paul, let's clear
the door.

We'll distract them as best
we can.

Good luck.

Ready?

Now.

Look out!

Oh, my God.

Paul? Paul?

No! No!

No!

- This can't happen.
- It is happening!

Don't sit there whining,
you sickening pervert.

It is happening! You did it!

You did it! You've got to get us
out of this.

You've got to get us
out of this. Jeff!

Stop it, stop it. Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

Now, listen to me.

There's got to be a way out.

Maybe Alan can get us
out of here.

This book. Isn't there a way
of sending them back?

A counterspell.

Counterspell...

A recitation for the dead,
recitation for the dead...

Wait a minute.

OK. Here it is. Wait...

"A litany..."

"Calling the counterspell..."

Wait. "Return the blood to fire."

Wait.

Return the blood to fire.

Burn the life from the undead.

Something's happening.
Keep it up.

"Return the ceremonial corpse
to the grave."

God, we can't do that.

Read it!

"Read the words as they are
written and of, in the...

and in the prescribed manner

for these things."

Read it.

"Prince of Darkness, brethren
of hell,

masters of the fiery pit,

hear the prayers of thy
servants,

we who have transgressed against
thy might."

Something's happening.
Don't stop.

"And grant us pardon,
grant us leave,

release us from thy vengeance,

accept our vow that we shall
nevermore transgress

against thy awful might."

"And ye of the grave whose
rest we have defiled,

ye sleepers in the eternal
night, obey the will

of Lucifer, of Demogorgon,
of all the lords of hell."

"if they should hear our plea,
and grant us pardon,

grant us leave, seek not our
deaths, seek not our souls,

obey the will of Lucifer, obey
the will of hell,

return and sleep and walk
no more."

It's working. It's working!

"Return and sleep. Return
and sleep."

"Return and sleep!"

They're gone.

Wait. Listen.

All right. We've gotta try it.

Don't take anything
but a weapon.

We can't help him. Let's go.

Jeff! Jeff!

Jeff!