Self-destruct sequence initiated.
They're out there now!
Taunting me, calling me!
Self-destruct in ten,
nine, eight, seven,
I must... resist.
Six, five, four,
three, two, one.
Self-destruct
sequence terminated.
All systems normal.
No!
I am Abraham Van Helsing,
captain of mother III,
a deep space salvage ship.
Fourteen days ago, I got a tip
from a friend at the confederation
that a large cargo ship,
the demeter,
that a large cargo ship,
the demeter,
that had been lost for years, had been
spotted in the carpathian system.
Nothing unusual about that.
There are lots of
floaters in that system.
But what is unusual is that the ship
was moving as if it had a heading--
Earth.
So, if I can get to the demeter
before the confederation
lays claim to it,
the ship and whatever's on it
will be ours, free and clear.
I just hope that my crew
can handle a job this big.
This ship is massive,
and there are only six of us.
This ship is massive,
and there are only six of us.
This is the smartest guy
on the crew.
We call him the professor.
And we'd be in good hands
if he knew half as much
as he thinks he does.
Mina, our navigator,
technically an intern from the academy
of intergalactic navigation...
So she works for free,
which offsets the fact
that we spend half our time
lost in space.
But, hey, you never know
what you might find out there.
This is Humvee--
All brawn, zero brains.
Perfect for salvage jobs,
heavy salvage jobs
perfect for salvage jobs,
heavy salvage jobs
and heavier salvage jobs and...
Well, you get the idea.
We call this guy 187.
And they tell me
Before he enrolled at
Berkeley's satellite campus
and started smoking
everything in sight.
Aurora, my vice captain.
Keeps to herself.
More than a little abrasive.
It's her first time out
with a crew like this one,
and looking like that
doesn't help her cause.
But what she lacks in people skills, she
more than makes up for in ambition.
But what she lacks in people skills, she
more than makes up for in ambition.
And if we get into a tight spot,
I think she'll pull through.
Ah, there she is,
captain, the demeter.
Think we can salvage her?
I don't see any problem.
She seems pretty intact to me.
Any sign of life?
Professor.
No emb response, no
electros, no pulse signal.
Nothing calculable, captain.
Nothing?
Nothing?
No.
Our tractor beam should be able
to bring her up alongside us,
and we can access
her main loading bay.
Take us in nice and easy.
You're up, Mina.
Get on that ship.
Keep moving.
Hello?
Anybody home?
Nothing here, professor.
I'm scanning cold.
Well, keep moving.
Come on. That's not fair.
I don't know why
I always gotta go first.
It's not really
what I signed up for.
What did you sign up for?
I'm a navigator!
What did you sign up for?
I'm a navigator!
I don't know what looking around spooky
old ships has to do with navigation.
Someone tell me.
I'd love to know.
Know how many people would
love to be in your shoes,
working long hours with a bunch
of sweaty guys for no money?
You don't know how good you got it.
Right.
Just get your a*s on that ship.
June 3, 2950.
We have experienced
engine difficulty
and are running
at quarter speed.
Repairs will be completed
repairs will be completed
as soon as the first
and second engineer get over...
I won't say, um, epidemic,
but at least half of the crew
is now afflicted.
I have implemented
strict quarantine procedures
and confined myself to quarters.
Mina?
Mina, don't leave us in
the dark. What's going on?
What's going on, little sister?
Mina, come in.
Would you sort out her comms. There's
nothing wrong with her comms.
Something's up with her heart monitor.
It's taking off.
Something's up with her heart monitor.
It's taking off.
Rate's ascending past 80.
Past 90.
100. 110.
sh*t. This is disconcerting.
No!
You okay, little girl?
Humvee. Let me go.
You gonna behave?
Let go!
What's up, little girl?
I thought I saw something.
I took a wrong turn
and... I got disoriented.
You got lost. How you gonna
get lost with a damn scanner?
Hummer?
Yeah, boss?
Daddy's little girl, she's okay.
She claims she got lost.
Is she okay?
Yeah, I'm okay. I'm sorry.
Hummer, is she okay?
Hummer, is she okay?
Yeah, she's all right.
She's still the same little shameless
little h* she's always been, though.
I want you to check the O2 levels.
Yeah, cap.
It's 87%. Sweeter than home.
Eighty-seven? Are you sure?
Yeah, I'm sure.
As sure as my package
is bigger than yours.
You want to come down here
and find out for yourself?
Okay, I know how sure
you are about your package.
Go environmental.
Go environmental.
You got it. You first.
Up yours.
All right. We'll do
this job together.
On three, okay?
One, two...
Three!
Whoa! That smell!
Humvee?
What's going on, Humvee?
Captain, Humvee's down!
Captain, Humvee's down!
Don't panic. Try to help him.
Humvee?
Humvee.
Humvee--
Animal!
Ech! Your life will be
changed for the better now.
Once you go black,
you never go back.
Mina, what's going on?
Hey, cap'n, she's okay.
We're just getting a little
face time with miss-da-Mina.
Well, cut it out.
Well, cut it out.
Damn, I'm never gonna get
no action on this damn ship.
Hey, cap, the air's
a-OK, daddy-o.
Okay, we're comin' in.
You okay?
Some mouthwash would be nice.
Pull another stunt like that, and you'll be
cleaning the head all the way home. Got me?
Pull another stunt like that, and you'll be
cleaning the head all the way home. Got me?
Okay, cap.
Off-world transporter, captain.
Silvestri, mark 4.
I'd say she's
about 50 years old.
Fifty years? Oh, at least.
Better get out of here. Think
she's still got juice in her?
Perhaps. There's only
one way to find out.
Where's the fission room?
That way.
Let's see if we can get this tub runnin'.
Where the f*ck is 187?
I'm not nobody's baby-sitter.
June 5, 2950.
The situation couldn't be worse.
Engines are down,
and we're adrift, still
in the carpathian galaxy.
The comm system is
only... half working.
We can only receive
incoming messages.
Our distress signals
are not being transmitted.
Our distress signals
are not being transmitted.
We seem to be losing
complete control
of the functions of the ship.
Half of the crew
have been overcome by...
It's unlike...
Anything I have seen.
♪
Ooh!
187!
Get your rinky a*s
down here now!
♪ In the underground ♪
♪ are you out there ♪
♪ out there ♪
♪ are you out there ♪
♪ out there ♪
Hey, I ain't kidding, 187.
Get your butt down here!
All right, captain buzzkill.
All right, captain buzzkill.
Hang ten, dude.
Surf's up!
Hydroponically speaking,
of course.
♪ Are you out there ♪
♪ out there ♪
♪ are you out there ♪
♪ out there ♪ ♪ out ♪
♪ out there ♪ ♪ there ♪
♪ out ♪
♪ out ♪
Ah! Uh, o-over there.
Sh-shine your torch over there.
Ah, there it is, sir.
Central control unit.
Uh, hello?
Aren't we forgetting something?
Thanks.
Humvee, Aurora,
take a look around.
Yo, captain! Dude!
You better come have
a look at this.
Stay with the professor.
You two, come with me.
Cap, I thought you said we could...
Hey, Hummer?
Cap, I thought you said we could...
Hey, Hummer?
Yes, boss?
I put up with your sh*t
because you're big, black and...
Ugly. Here we go again.
I'd love it if you'd just learn to
take an order and shut the f*ck up.
Mina.
June 9,
or 10.
I doubt it matters.
We are a ghost ship.
Communications,
navigation,
weapons, even the hand phasers,
are dysfunctional!
Only the basic
life support system
have remained unaffected.
We are alive,
but powerless.
The crew is beyond ill,
beyond human.
I have ordered the few
of us left unaffected
to remain quarantined
in our quarters.
Think you can fix it? Mm-hmm.
Don't. What?
Don't. Pretend you can't.
Don't. Pretend you can't.
Why would I not want to get this thing
humming and validate myself once again
with amazing feats
of my advanced intelligence?
So we can get out of here,
onto mother where we belong.
Come on. The smell alone.
I've got a bad feeling
about this ship.
Feelings will get you
into trouble, Mina.
As a mentor to you,
I have to impress upon you
that you should rely as solely
as possible on your intellect.
Trust your feelings,
and you'll worry.
Trust your feelings,
and you'll worry.
Trust your head, and you'll be fine.
Now, look around.
This is a spaceship,
not a forest.
No snakes here.
Nothing's gonna bite you.
What have we got here?
Whoa! What happened to him?
Whoa! What happened to him?
Human jerky.
I wonder, is it spicy...
don't touch it!
Why?
It's one of your
ex-boyfriends, huh?
Yeah, we know how much
you like it stiff.
You guys are so funny, I just don't
know what to do with myself.
This is a crime scene.
We shouldn't touch anything.
We're still under new world
jurisdiction, and the law is the law.
We're still under new world
jurisdiction, and the law is the law.
Who died and made you
sheriff of this damn town?
Hey, Humvee,
I'm second in command,
and you are just
a member of my posse.
Guys. Captain, I don't
need this sh*t...
If you're gonna be
a captain in the future,
you're gonna have to learn to have
a little Patience with the men.
Guys. Hey, guys!
What? Captain,
there's something weird about
this dude's bindings, man.
I mean, it's like he tied
himself to the chair.
I mean, it's like he tied
himself to the chair.
What would make him do that?
Dude, how should I know?
I don't know what type sh*t
they was into back in 2953.
What's that?
Ah!
A metal plus sign.
Okay, this dude
was into mathematics.
That explains everything!
You need so much help.
It's a crucifix.
I thought they banned those
I thought they banned those
Yeah, but that didn't mean
everybody gave it up.
He probably felt like
he needed god's help.
Supposedly, I had a granduncle
who believed in god,
but... I can't say
I ever met anybody who did.
Right on time, professor.
What do we do
with leatherface here?
Bag him? You know what?
Bag him? You know what?
I-if you look at him
in a certain way,
doesn't he remind you of
interstellar union president Baker?
We're gonna do what Aurora says-- play
it by the book, take him back to earth.
But, captain... Then we're gonna let
the off world boys take a look at him
and give him
his long overdue burial.
Captain, I'm gonna
have to insist
that we check this corpse
for ill*gal substances.
Get the hell out of here. But...
Now!
There but by
god's grace... go I.
Hey, who's god?
Nobody.
I hear them...
Beyond my door at night.
I can't bear to say
what I suspect.
I have no control
over navigation,
but...
Something is moving us
toward earth.
Does she have the juice
to get us home?
Mm-hmm.
Good. It'll be faster
if we tow mother.
That's why I'm doing
my thing here, captain.
That's why I'm doing
my thing here, captain.
How much do you think
she's worth?
Hard to say.
I don't know. Maybe fifteen?
Ooh. Fifteen?
Million.
Dude! Do you know how much hydroponic
platinum I could buy with my share?
Wait a minute.
Yes?
Although it's not
technically ill*gal,
we really shouldn't tow this back to earth
until we've found out what's gone on here.
We really shouldn't tow this back to earth
until we've found out what's gone on here.
The safest thing to do
is to leave it,
report it to the proper authorities
and let them check it out
before we bring this ship back
in contact with our own planet.
Woman, are you crazy?
And lose 15 million credits?
Woman, are you insane?
Raise your hand if you
want to talk next time.
And what if we don't even
make it back to earth?
It doesn't matter if it's
it doesn't matter if it's
if we're not alive to spend it.
Little rich girl
talking again, huh?
Your a*s ain't never been hungry, and we're
not gonna pass up this kind of cheese.
What happened to the crew?
I mean, these ships just
don't fly by themselves.
For your information, dude, we
did find somebody. You did?
A dead somebody, and we don't
know what happened to him.
Whatever happened here
is long over and done with.
We can't just leave her here
for another salvage crew.
We can't just leave her here
for another salvage crew.
Captain's damn straight! Yeah.
It doesn't add up in my book,
is all I'm saying.
Well, don't worry about it. The
captain must have kept a vidlog,
and I'm sure that'll shine some
light on what happened here.
Sure. Yeah.
Why don't you two do a little recon, see if
you can find anything else worth something.
Hey, maybe we can find
something to smoke.
Come on, Hummer. Let's go.
After you.
We should check the cargo bay.
Man, what for?
Fifty years ago,
before dope was legal,
they used to smuggle it across the
solar systems in ships like this.
So you can get sh*t that you
can't buy over the counter now.
Dope wasn't regulated.
Man, you're high enough now.
Ain't no such thing. You know I'm like a
weightlifter when it comes to my smoke.
Ain't no such thing. You know I'm like a
weightlifter when it comes to my smoke.
All right.
If you was lifting
a hundred kilos a day,
and it's you're first day
at the gymnopod doing ten reps,
you're going to be sore and you
won't be able to move. Mm-hmm.
But imagine lifting
that same hundred kilos
every day for five years.
Then it's like you
ain't lifting a damn thing.
Man, you've been smoking a hundred
kilos a day for five years.
You understand what I'm saying?
Not quite that much,
but you get the idea, dude.
Not quite that much,
but you get the idea, dude.
Man, come on! Finish the patrol.
I got to get my weight up.
Come on.
Oh, that's strange.
What?
It's reading like
a separation sequence
was initiated
from on board mother.
What the f*ck's going on?
Talk to me, professor.
It's reading a separation
sequence, captain.
Well, stop it.
I should be able to prevent disengagement
here from the host vehicle.
Shouldn't be too much
of a problem.
I f*cking told you guys!
Oh, my god, it's not working.
It's not...
Oh, my god, it's not working.
It's not...
It's not working, damn it.
Come on. Come on.
Five...
Four..
Three...
Two... one.
Lost her, captain.
Diseaged from mother.
Explain to me
what just happened.
I don't know. I-it wasn't me.
Well, fix it. Fix this tub,
or we're all f*cked.
I'll go find that vidlog and see if
there's anything on it that can help us.
If all else fails, we'll
send out a distress signal.
I don't know if
that's going to work.
It's like all wave transmission
devices have been scrambled,
preventing any
outgoing signals here.
Well, unscramble it.
No. If I die, this is definitely going down
as the worst summer job I've ever had.
No. If I die, this is definitely going down
as the worst summer job I've ever had.
Whoa, dude.
Psychedelic.
Man, it's nothing but a b*tch.
That's what it is.
We find this big-a*s salvage.
Instead of there being
some gold on this ship,
instead of there being
some gold on this ship,
there's nothing
but some dead bodies.
Relax, bro. No, you relax.
Man, this ship ain't nothing but a
big-a*s hearse. That's what this is.
Man, what you doin'?
Man, I ain't got no time
to play around. Let's go.
Tranquilize, dude.
Tranquilize, dude.
One dead body's enough
for today, okay?
Bro, this is how they used to
smuggle sh*t back in the day.
Might find something.
Bro, this is how they used to carry
dead bodies back in the day.
Ah! Ah! Ah!
I cut my hand.
That's what your a*s get.
Damn it.
Damn, that's pretty deep.
Looks pretty bad.
Let's see what we got here.
Sand. Ain't nothin'
but some damn sand.
Think it's worth something?
Man, sand ain't worth nothin'.
Let's try another one.
You do it.
Let's try another one.
You do it.
Come on, man. I cut my hand.
Come on, man. Look.
You want me to open one?
Yeah. Here.
I don't need that.
You want to open one?
Well, let's open one.
This is how I open it.
You wanna snort some of this?
Just 'cause you don't treasure a
mind-bending substance the way I do
doesn't give you the right
to make fun of my lifestyle.
Man, shut the hell up.
Man, shut the hell up.
What exactly are you two doing?
Nothin'.
Doesn't look like nothing to me.
How about showing
some respect for the dead?
Save your rhetoric, okay?
The professor needs you.
I'll be there in a second. Now.
I said, a second.
Are you coming?
Nah, I'm gonna stay here
and open a couple more of these.
There's got to be something here.
I can't believe there's not.
There's got to be something here.
I can't believe there's not.
I'm out of here. Whatever, dude.
Sweet Jesus.
May 30, 2950.
We departed transylvania station
last night at 2200 hours,
and not one moment too soon.
Transylvania?
Where the f*ck is transylvania?
The morale of the crew seemed
to sink minute by minute.
But for double
the usual credits,
we could not turn down
the last cargo run.
We could not turn down
the last cargo run.
Why the urgent need
to remove these remains
to the carpathian galaxy,
I do not know.
Diplomatic problems
with the locals, perhaps.
What's going on? I don't know.
Come on.
What the hell was that?
I'll be right back.
Hey! Don't leave me here!
Hey! Don't leave me here!
Don't leave me here!
What happened?
What happened, bro?
He, he, he...
He what?
What is it?
He, he, he...
He what?
He...
He's out.
Hummer, get him outta here.
I'll, uh...
I'll have to set the leg.
The only way to do that
is to straighten it.
Hummer, you're gonna have
to this manually.
Leave it to the big black guy, huh?
Just do it.
Cap, I can't do this.
Well, there's no other way.
Well, there's no other way.
No, thank you.
He could lose his leg here.
It's just gonna have to happen.
It will just be two of you wheelchair
wheelie-poppin' test tube babies on the crew.
And, cap, I can live with that.
I'll do it.
Hold him down.
You do it yourself,
wonder woman.
Thanks.
No sweat.
Hey.
How's his leg?
His leg is going to be fine...
His leg is going to be fine...
Excuse me. Captain, you're
needed in the rec room.
What were you two talking about?
Nothing.
I saw you. Nothing, okay?
Listen, if there's something
wrong, we have the right to know.
Listen, if there's something
wrong, we have the right to know.
Don't worry about it.
You wanted to see me?
Have a look at his neck.
What are they?
Well, they aren't flea bites,
but they are bites.
Bites?
The puncture wounds
are definitely teeth.
Teeth?
Incisors, big ones.
Are you sure?
Someone... bit him?
Something.
I never said the teeth
were... human.
I never said the teeth
were... human.
Hey...
Going somewhere, wheelie boy?
See you on the flip side.
See you on the flip side.
Bleah!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did you hit me?
You're going to have to do a whole
lot better than that, cap'n.
Ah-ah-ah.
Radical!
Hey! sh*t-for-brains!
Don't move.
I said, don't move!
Aurora.
Baby. It's so nice to see you.
Did I ever tell you
how many times I'd see you
and want to ej*cul*te
all over your bazongas?
Or of the times
I stayed up late,
high as a kite in
a nongravitational atmosphere,
while I stroked my anaconda
while I stroked my anaconda
and dreamed about your...
Snow white a*s?
Take one more step,
and I'll blow your anaconda
all over the ceiling.
One.
Bet ya that p*ssy's
sweeter than a honey bun.
Two.
When I'm through, I'm gonna
pass you to the crew.
Three!
Three!
You might as well
get down on your knees.
Four, you're gonna end up
dead on the floor.
sh**t him, Aurora!
Five!
Ain't none of y'all b*tches
gettin' outta here alive!
Oh, for god's sake,
Aurora, sh**t him.
For god's sakes,
Aurora, sh**t him!
sh**t him!
sh**t him!
Wanna see what a real man tastes like?
Oh, sh*t.
What the hell's going on?
I heard some sh**ting.
He was out cold!
He tried to k*ll us.
He was out cold!
He tried to k*ll us.
He's after Aurora.
He wants to k*ll her.
But I believe he wants
to titty-f*ck her first.
This is so wrong. Let's go.
♪
...left somewhere.
Master,
you have summoned me?
Arise, my son.
What is it you want
of your humble
and loyal servant?
You wish to please me?
Yes.
Your wish...
Is my command.
k*ll them.
k*ll them all.
Gladly.
Gladly.
Gladly!
Hey, cap, I can't believe
He's always been my homie.
Well, your homie tried
to rip my throat out.
Hey, cap, he ain't never been violent.
I ain't messin' with you.
That dude got a heart of gold.
I remember when we was kids...
Humvee. Yeah, cap?
Remember that "shutting the hell
up" thing we talked about earlier?
Yeah. Why don't you
try doing that now.
Yeah. Why don't you
try doing that now.
Whatever helps you sleep, cap'n.
Whatever helps you sleep.
Good evening, my dear.
Who are you?
You are the most beautiful
creature I've ever seen.
So soft,
yet so...
Firm.
Who are you?
What do you want?
Darkness.
Infinite... darkness.
But what I want
and what I need are...
Worlds... apart.
What I need...
Is blood.
Is blood.
I'm fine. Just keep
watch at the door.
This needs stitches.
You're gonna get an infection.
I'll take my chances. Now, pick
up a weapon and man the door.
Please. Whatever.
Whatever.
See? Nothing.
See? Nothing.
Mina!
Leave her alone!
Leave her alone!
Leave her alone!
Leave her alone!
Oh.
He got Mina.
You okay?
Wait here.
But...
Oh, bollocks.
Stop firing! It's me!
Aurora? I didn't know
it was your a*s.
So, have you seen 187?
No,
but I saw him.
So you did see him?
No,
him.
Professor!
Oh.
Captain.
Oh, sorry, I...
I know.
Okay. Tell us about him.
Who?
We got company.
His name is orlock.
Count orlock of transylvania.
Transylvania?
That's where
this ship comes from.
How do you know that?
I found the vidlog.
What else was on it?
I don't know.
What else was on it?
I don't know.
I started watching it when
all the entertainment started.
Go on.
Transylvania is a planet
in the remote carpathian system.
It's, um...
It's a planet of vampires.
Vampires?
So what the hell is a vampire?
It's sort of like a man,
only far more evil,
if you can imagine that.
You believe that sh*t?
You believe that sh*t?
His planet is dead.
And according to him, there is
nothing left. It's a wasteland.
He is the last one of his kind.
How did he get on this ship?
He paid to have the ship pick up
a bunch of coffins, I guess,
and he was in one of them.
And... what does he want?
Dinner.
What? We woke him up,
and he's hungry.
And... he wants to eat... us?
He needs blood. Our blood?
He needs blood. Our blood?
That's how he survives.
He lives on blood.
And with what happened to 187,
I believe that whoever he bites
will become a vampire, too.
This vampire dude,
he's a brother?
No, Humvee,
he is not a black man.
Well, excuse me for sayin',
all this bloodsucking stuff, that's
some white people sh*t, right?
I'm going back to the mother,
and I'm going home.
Uh, Humvee, that...
That could be a problem.
Uh, Humvee, that...
That could be a problem.
Mother's gone.
Excuse me?
She took off on her own...
Actually, he did that.
So you're telling me
I'm trapped on this ship
with a bloodsucking vampire?
Get this tub up and running.
We gotta find a way
to stay alive. And you...
What the f*ck are you doing?
Back off, cap!
How do you know all this information?
He told me.
Why is that? I don't know.
Why is that? I don't know.
Why, Aurora? I don't know!
Hey, cap, you need to back down, or
I'm gonna bust a cap in your a*s.
Don't be stupid, Humvee.
Look at what happened to 187.
How come nothing
happened to her?
Yeah, Aurora, why nothing
did happen to you?
I don't know.
Maybe I'm just not his taste.
Stop lying!
Hey! Get off me! Hey, cap, ain't
no time to get fresh, man!
I was looking for bite marks.
I was looking for bite marks.
Captain, we have to get back to the main
deck if I'm to get this thing started.
Tie her up. No, I don't think...
Then don't! I've heard
enough from you already.
Let's go.
This is ridiculous.
Get your hands up there.
Stop!
There's something there.
I saw something, captain.
What?
I don't know.
Well, I did.
Honest, captain, I did.
You saw I didn't have
any bite marks,
and you're gonna need
all the help you can get.
Maybe you didn't get bit on your neck.
Maybe you got bit someplace else.
Well, then untie me,
and you can take off my clothes
and look me over.
Now I know you're playin'
tricks on me.
You're not going to want me all
tied up when he comes a-callin'.
I'm trying to help you.
I'm looking out for you, Humvee.
And you don't want
a chance to see me naked?
And you don't want
a chance to see me naked?
My mama didn't raise
no fool, girl.
I know as soon as I let you up, you
gonna be all vampire on my black a*s.
And since I didn't get bit,
you'll be the one who got
the chance to investigate
every inch of me for
no good reason whatsoever.
I think it's worth the risk.
Don't you?
You're just wasting your breath.
It's going in one ear,
out the other.
There's nothing wrong with me!
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
The...
Fission reactor's nearly
three-quarters full.
That's good.
And in working order.
Now, if I can just get
the protonic ignition activated
the protonic ignition activated
and the hyperspeed
sequence rerouted,
I should be able to...
I'm the man, Van Helsing.
Tell me I'm the man.
You're the man.
Now tell me why you're the man.
I can fly this thing.
You're the man.
Let's plot a course.
What's the closest place
you can get us to?
The kesselring system.
Make it so.
Aye, aye, captain.
I think we're moving.
The legless wonder
came through for the team.
Now, that's what
I'm talking about.
Score one for hope.
I have to go to the bathroom.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Yeah, sure, like I'm
gonna fall for that one.
Humvee, I have to go to the bathroom.
I really do.
Well, then go.
Don't be such a moron.
All right. Let's see what
we can dig up on vampires.
Uh, valium,
uh, valium,
valkyries...
Ah, vampires. Contact.
What do ya got?
There's a plethora of information
here, captain. Good.
What do you want to know?
How to k*ll 'em.
Ah, of course.
Whoa. Take a look
at this, captain.
"Dracula.
"Count Dracula,
"count Dracula,
"otherwise known as...
Orlock."
Aurora's friend.
That's impossible.
You... he wants you.
You're in here. What?
"Doctor Van Helsing. Born 1847.
Vampire k*ller."
Vampire k*ller?
The chances of your lineage
matching up in this history
the chances of your lineage
matching up in this history
are far too astronomical
to contemplate.
There's got to be a connection.
That's crazy.
Van Helsing could be
your great-great-,
many times great, grandfather.
This could be
a revenge situation.
He could be k*lling us just
to get to you. Calm down.
He's going to k*ll us, captain.
Calm down.
It's just a coincidence.
Coincidence?
Yeah, a coincidence.
Find me a way to k*ll
this son of a b*tch.
Aye, aye, captain.
Let me in.
Please let me in.
Hummer, you gotta help me, bro.
Let me in, please!
Humvee, please, man!
I don't feel so good.
Are you crazy? He's lying!
You gotta help me, bro.
He's gonna k*ll me.
Humvee, no.
Come on, Hummer. You know
how they treat us brothers.
Dude, they don't care about us.
But we said we'd always
stick together, right?
Please, Hummer. I'm gonna die
if you don't help me.
No, Humvee! No!
He's lying to you.
Don't.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
To hell with you.
No!
Whoa, dude.
Suddenly I feel... brand-new.
Ain't that a bummer, Hummer?
Humvee!
Captain!
Keep working.
What about me?
What about me?
Bugger.
You done pissed me off, fool.
Dude, I cannot believe
you fell for the "we brothers
got to stick together" routine.
You fell for the "we brothers
got to stick together" routine.
You know, that's been the
downfall of many a black man.
Shut your little punk a*s up!
Scared, homie? Please!
See?
If you had stayed and helped me
try to find me some smoke,
this might not be happening.
b*tch, you need some professional
help, man, for your habit,
and I'm just the big dog
gonna give it to you.
And I'm just the big dog
gonna give it to you.
I ain't playing
with you no more, 187!
Do I have to spell it out
to you guys?
You cannot k*ll 187!
Stop...
Wasting...
b*ll*ts!
I don't believe this sh*t.
It's like you idiots
don't want to listen.
I...
Am a vampire,
and ain't nobody bad like me.
Whoo-oh!
I feel... f*cking invincible!
The high I get
from being a vampire
is even better than where I got to go
with that comptonian weed we in...
Is even better than where I got to go
with that comptonian weed we in...
Comptonia, as*h*le.
Yeah, yeah.
You remember that, bro.
We were high for days,
swimming in comptonian a*s,
boning so many h*s,
my nuts were swollen for a week.
Here.
Try that sh*t... again.
You are really beginning
to annoy me,
and I never did like you,
Van Helsing.
You always condescended
to me, man,
as if because, you know, I was a
little more laid back than you.
You were on a higher
intellectual plane,
and I was never
full of that sh*t!
A pool stick.
Un-f*cking-believable.
Sorry, bro.
I told you I wasn't playing.
Excuse me.
I hate to interrupt, but could
you please untie me now?
Give me one good reason.
Because he didn't
bite me... anywhere.
Because he didn't
bite me... anywhere.
You can look for yourself.
She already tried that one on me before.
Been there, done that.
Uhh, please.
You still haven't
explained to me
why, when he had his chance,
he didn't bite you.
You stay put.
Okay.
Fine.
You win.
I'm listening.
I'm not what you think I am.
Okay, what are you?
I'm a proteus 4.
What did you just say?
I work for the nwc.
You're a narc?
You've been under surveillance
for the last three moon cycles.
You've been under surveillance
for the last three moon cycles.
You... and your crew.
Man, this just gets
better and better.
She's a snooper-bot.
What's up with you?
What's so damn funny?
Untie her. What?
Are you losing your head,
man? That's nwc.
She's a narc, man. She's 5-0.
That's why she was pointing out
the laws in every damn town.
No, I should walk over here and
put a b*llet in your hard drive!
That's what I should do!
Lose the attitude.
That's what I should do!
Lose the attitude.
When we let her up, she's
gonna try and take us down.
Yeah, and she's probably our
best weapon against this orlock.
What are you talkin' about?
He doesn't want her, Hummer.
Why the f*ck not?
Because she's a robot.
He wants blood. She's got
no blood, remember?
You better be right on this.
You could have at least told me
you were an automatic.
Would it have made
any difference?
I'm watching you.
Damn.
Damn.
Oh!
Almost got your butt
k*lled, fool!
Sorry.
Pick him up.
Uh, what happened?
Where's 187?
He's dead. Dead?
How?
A pool cue.
Pool cue?
Yeah, man.
Yeah, man.
I had to drive a pool cue
through his heart.
Of course, a pool cue.
It's wooden, right?
According to ancient folklore,
there are a few methods
by which to disenable
these vampires. Like?
Driving a wooden stake through their
heart is apparently very effective.
Yeah.
But it has to be organic wood,
not this synthetic wood product they're
passing off as real these days.
And it must be
through the heart.
A pool cue? Precisely.
organic wood for cues.
organic wood for cues.
And? Hm?
You said there were other ways.
Crucifixes.
They don't like crucifixes.
That thing that was in the dead
captain's hand? The plus sign?
Exactly.
But what they really hate
is sunlight.
You mean we can tan
this b*tch to death?
In layman's terms,
abso-bloody-lutely.
If they're exposed
to constant sunlight,
they'll go up in a ball
of flame and ash-- boom.
End of story. In case you haven't
noticed, we're in deep space.
End of story. In case you haven't
noticed, we're in deep space.
Not much sun. Mm-hmm.
Not true.
We could turn this thing around,
head straight for halbron,
slingshot off her rings... Twin suns. She's
right. Turn this tub around right now.
What are we gonna do
till we reach the sun?
Find us some more pool cues.
Right.
Ugh.
That's disgusting.
I don't get it.
What? Why'd you do that?
Do what? React like
that to a dead body.
I thought you things were
programmed to be emotionless.
I've done exactly what
I've been programmed to do.
Let's just look
for those pool cues.
Let's just look
for those pool cues.
Fine.
Hey! I found one.
Now there's two.
How long before
we reach the sun?
Approximately 13 hours.
I hate the number 13. Can't you
make this thing go any faster?
I can't. Metal fatigue.
If we push this old girl any
harder, she'll bleed fuel and die.
Like you and I will, if you don't
make this thing go faster.
I'm trying. All right? I'm trying.
Try harder.
I bet you he's hiding
in one of these coffins.
No, thanks. I don't gamble,
except with my choice
of lovers lately.
I thought we agreed it was going
to be casual, nothing serious.
I thought we agreed it was going
to be casual, nothing serious.
Oh, did you think I was serious?
You know, for a computer,
you sure are bitchy.
It's all in
the programming, baby.
I'd like to get a hold
of your programmer.
When I get it open,
stab him in the heart.
Like you know where that is.
Just do it.
Okay.
Okay, move on to the next.
Next one.
We're going to die before we get
to the twin suns, aren't we?
Maybe you won't.
I mean, you can run.
Sooner or later,
the time's gonna come,
and... a wheel's
gonna get caught,
or I'll fall out
of my chair again.
Mina?
Do it.
Get Humvee.
No, I don't want to leave... Go!
No, I don't want to leave... Go!
What are you waiting for?
I'm a Van Helsing.
Van Helsing?
That's right.
I come from a long line
of vampire K*llers.
Your ancestors
were vampire K*llers.
Your ancestors
were vampire K*llers.
You, on the other hand,
are destined for
far greater things, my boy.
Namely, dinner.
You're going to have
to do better than that.
For more than a thousand years,
my kind have burned in shame for the vampires
slain at the hands of your namesake.
I alone have waited here
for centuries,
sensing, knowing
you were destined to come.
And now that you're
finally here...
And now that you're
finally here...
Open this hatch! Let me in!
Van Helsing is in trouble.
He needs your help!
I ain't falling
for that sh*t twice.
What if it's true?
Open this door, you idiots!
Go away!
Go away!
Listen to me! Van Helsing
needs your help now!
Well, you go help him!
Humvee, come on!
Nobody's home.
Damn it.
We're all going to die.
We're all going to die.
We're all going to die.
We're all going to die. We're all
going to die. We're all going to die.
We're all going to die. We're all
going to die. We're all going to die.
Shut the hell up, now!
We're all going to die.
We're all going to die.
We're all going to die. We're all
going to die. We're all going to die.
We're all going to die. We're all
doing to... Where're you going?
I'd rather face that vampire
than listen to your sorry a*s.
I'd rather face that vampire
than listen to your sorry a*s.
Wait!
Oh. We're all going to die.
We're all going to die.
We're all going to die.
Aurora?
Humvee.
Where is he?
Cargo bay seven.
Humvee? Humvee, where are you?
Humvee?
We're all going to die.
We're all going to die.
Humvee. Humvee?
Oh, my god. Oh...
Why die?
Why die?
Please...
Please don't k*ll me.
k*ll you?
I'm not going to k*ll you.
Take my hand...
And walk with me...
For all eternity.
Walk?
That's right.
Come with me,
come with me,
and I'll set you free.
Come, my boy.
Come.
Stand up.
Help me. Oh, my god.
Help me. Captain!
Take it easy, man.
Try not to speak.
Captain, hang in there.
Try to be still. Don't move.
Cap.
He... wants... you!
Humvee? Pin the b*tch!
Where that other freak at? Let's
not stick around and find out.
Stop.
What is it?
You wait here. No way.
He doesn't want your blood.
He's still scary.
I hear you.
Professor.
Professor?
Don't.
What the hell?
How did you know?
I didn't.
Orlock.
I'll pull! Harder!
Harder, Humvee! Pull!
Pull!
If I told you once, woman,
I've told you twice.
Always put out
the "do not disturb" sign.
Women.
Now what?
Once we reach sunlight,
we're gonna veer away
where we won't get no meltdown.
Can you fly this thing? No.
I thought you could do
everything?
I was programmed
for human emotion.
That doesn't mean I'm
the bionic woman, you know.
Any ideas?
I just asked you that.
Damn, I should have went
to flight school. Yeah.
There is one good thing, though.
What's that? We may not be going back
to earth, but neither is orlock.
That's real talk.
That's real talk.
So, how long?
How long for what?
Till we reach the sun.
Twelve hours.
Humvee? Mm-hmm.
Did I ever tell you that...
Tell me what?
I wasn't always
a narc, you know.
You weren't? Mm-mm.
Not until they
"upgraded" my program.
Not until they
"upgraded" my program.
Upgraded your program?
Before that, I was
a proteus 3.2, p.B.
P.B.?
Pleasure-bot.
I've heard of those.
I ain't never had
enough credits.
Well, then, what're
you waiting for?
You've only got a couple of hours
till the end of your world,
and I'm off the clock.
Bingo! Must be the front row.
Ain't gotta tell me twice.
Come on, girl.
Ain't gotta tell me twice.
Come on, girl.
My obligation has become greater
than the safety of the ship.
My obligation has become greater
than the safety of the ship.
I see now that I must
sacrifice the demeter,
and myself,
to prevent this terror
from reaching earth.
And that's what
I'm talkin' about.
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Dracula 3000 (2004)
Moderators: Maskath3, GabrielAlejo2341, sidolanters