01x07 - Speak for Yourself, Dwayne

[bunniefuu]

[All cheering]

Hey, dwayne,
do we have enough
money for the movies?

No.

We would if we were
senior citizens.

They get in for half price.

But isn't--isn't rerun
considered a senior citizen?

He's been a senior
at school for 3 years.

Watch it, dwayne.

Yeah, watch it, dwayne.

Besides he's not a "citizen"
of the senior class.

Right.

Just a permanent resident.

[Both laughing]

Ok, one hot chocolate,

And 2 sodas.

Hey, shirley.

Don't you
"hey, shirley" me, sucker.

hay is for horses.

I'm sorry.

What's for
hippopotamuses?

[Laughing]

What are you
laughing at?

Nothing.

What do you want,
anyway?

This hot chocolate
isn't hot.

Well, you did not order
a hot, hot chocolate.

You ordered a hot chocolate,
and that's what you got.

You mean if I really want
hot, hot cakes,

I got to order
hot, hot cakes?

Now you've got it,
fool.

Thanks for the lesson,
fat, fat girl.

Oh, wow!

Oh, wow! Wow!

Oh, wow! Oh, wow!

Wow! Oh, wow! Wow!

Who's that chick
sitting with diane?

That's nancy gordon.

She just moved
into the neighborhood.

Well, I'd like to move
into her neighborhood.

Hey, watch it, rerun.
Just watch it.

Hey, easy, dwayne.

He was just kidding,
dwayne.

Yeah, you really
like her, don't you?

Uh-huh.

Enough to take her out?

Uh-huh.

Then go over
and ask her.

Uh-uh.

Do you know her, raj?

I don't know her,
but I've seen her.

She's in my chemistry class.

She'll do great
at chemistry.

How do you know?

She has all the elements!

Hey, just watch it,
rerun. Watch it!

Hey, raj,

Why don't you go over there
and drop dwayne's name on her,

Real cool and casually
like only you know how?

Would you, raj?

Well, I don't know
if I should, dwayne.

I mean, you've got to
do these things for yourself,
you know?

You're not a little kid
anymore.

I know, I know.

But just this once.
This last time, please.

All right.

Raj?

Yeah?

Don't tell her I'm shy.

I mean, don't tell her that
you're talking to her for me.

Just start talking
and like rerun said,
mention me.

Got it? Just be cool.

Right.

Just start off
by not even talking
about me at all.

Just be cool.

Right.

Like say, "hi,
my name is
roger thomas."

Got it?

Got it.

I'm sorry. Go ahead.
But don't forget.

Be cool.

Ahem.

Allow me
to introduce myself.

Hi, roger.

Aren't you going
to sit down, raj?

Oh, yeah.

Did you see
that move?
Yeah.

You're practically home,
buddy.

Uh, how is it you happened
to know my name?

I asked.

Smart. Smart.

Well, what can we
do for you, raj?

Um, oh, nothing.

I just realized nancy
was the new girl at school,

And I thought
I'd come over

And tell her about
some of the nice guys around,
like, um...

W-why did you ask
what my name was?

Well, I noticed you
in class,

And you seemed
like a cool
kind of guy, so...

You are cool,
aren't you?

Cool?

You got change
for an ice cube?

[Laughing]

Did you see that?

You're looking better
every minute, dwayne.

Am I really doing good?

Fantastic.

You know,

He's going to be
a really big
writer someday.

Oh, is that right?

Well, yes, I don't know
at this point,

Whether I should
pursue screenwriting
or play writing.

I also dabble
in a bit of poetry, too.

Oh, dabble for me.

Ooh!
Ah, ah...

Ahem.

I can't right now.
I've got to get back
to my friends.

There it is.
He's pointing you out.

The time was right.

You think so?

I know so.

Um, which is which?

Oh. Ahem.

Well, dwayne is the one
with the big smile.

Uh-huh.

And rerun is the one with
the big everything else.

Right. Ahem.

Well, I guess
I better be going now.

Oh, wait a minute.

I just had
a super idea.

Why don't you
drop by my house tonight,

And you can dabble one
of your poems for me.

Wow!

I--i--i can't.
I gotta be with my friends.

Oh, but...

I'm your friend.

What time?

7:30.

7:30.

7:15.

Far out.

Far out.

Far out.

Later, diane.

Smile. You're in, dwayne.

I hope he didn't overdo it.

Don't worry.
You can trust raj.
He knows how to handle it.

Come on, buddy.

Come on, be cool.
Shh, shh. Be cool.

How'd it go, raj?

Great.

You didn't
oversell me, did you?

Huh?

You didn't oversell me,
did you?

Oh! Oh! Oh, no!
Not at all.

You held back
a little, right?

Oh, yeah.
I held way back.

You didn't make me
sound silly or nothing.

Or nothing.

Great, I saw you
point me out.

Oh, did you?

What did you say?

I said, uh, that's
dwayne and rerun.

Well, you know,

It wouldn't be cool to say,
"that's dwayne," only.

You are the coolest.

Did she know which one
of us was which?

Of course. The one with
the great smile was dwayne.

"Great smile"?
Did she say that?

Yeah. That's
what she said.

Oh, wow! And then what?

Um, then I thought
I better, uh, uh,
underplay it.

You know,
like you said,
be cool.

So I didn't seem
too pushy.

You did the right thing.

I told you,
you could count on raj.

Before she didn't
even know you.

Now, she knows you as the kid
with the great smile.

See, she's crazy
about you.

Yeah.

What's the next step,
raj?

Oh, well...

Yeah, how long should
we really be crazy
about each other

Before I talk to her?

Well...

And maybe even
ask her out?

Well-- i-- you know,
I don't know.

You see, these, uh,
these things take time.

It could be a month, a week,
a day, an hour, even.

A day, an hour.
Oh, I got to be ready.

Uh, where
are you going?

Home, to make sure I got
a clean pair of sneakers.

See you later.

Hi, dwayne.

Are you blind,
dwayne?

No, no.
Sorry, rerun.

Moonlight.

"You're teeth
are like moonlight."

No, "your teeth
are like moons."

Your teeth...

Pearls.

Yeah, pearl
got great teeth.

[Knocking at door]

Hi, raj.
What you doing?

Oh, doing-- oh, nothing.
Just a little homework.

Uh, where's dwayne?

Cloud 9.

Oh, he's really
in love, huh?

Yeah, he's in bad shape.

He sure is.

In one shot,
he lost his heart
and his mind.

And his best friend.

What are you
talking about?

Well...

Do you know that story
about miles standish?

The musician?

That's miles davis.

Miles standish
was the pilgrim

Who fell in love
with some chick
named priscilla,

Just like dwayne.

Dwayne's in love with nancy

And some pilgrim chick
named priscilla?

No, dwayne's just in love
with nancy.

Well, who's in love
with priscilla?

Miles standish is in love
with priscilla,

But he was too shy.

Like dwayne.

Yeah.

So he asked
his best friend, john,

To go over and fix things up
between him and priscilla.

Like you.

Right. So, john went over
and he talked to priscilla.

Like nancy.

That's it.

So john and priscilla
fell in love,

And poor little
miles standish

Was left out all alone
out in the cold.

In his little
white sneakers.

Yeah.

And his big,
dumb smile.

You got it.

And I'm not crazy
about a bit of it.

Me neither.

"The moon is
a strange thing.

"You only see it
at night.

"But it's there
in the daytime.

"It just stays
out of sight.

"But you're not
a strange thing

"Because day and night,

"Whenever I see you,
you're still...

Out of sight."

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.

Really dumb.

What are
you doing here?

Listening to
stupid poems.

Well, get back upstairs
and do your homework.

The reason you can't see
the moon here in the daytime

Is because
when it's daytime here,

It's nighttime in china,
and the moon is over there.

And any fool knows
you can't see china
from watts.

How would you like
to see the stars

From the palm
of my hand?

Are you going to
read those dumb poems
to that new girl, nancy?

How do you know
about nancy?

Diane told me you sat with
them this afternoon and...

[Sniffs]

Uh-oh!

What?

Something's burning.
Well, go--

Go look
in the kitchen.

It's not in the kitchen.
It's in here.

[Sniffing]

Found it.

Will you get
away from me.

Roger, I'm telling you,
you burning,

And I can smell it.

And you got
a burnt something.

I don't have
a burnt anything.

What you smell
is my new cologne,
hickory chip.

It has the scent
of a warm low fire

And the aroma
of autumn.

Yeah? Let me
smell it again.

[Sniffs]

I don't care what you say.

I think mama
burned your underwear
in the dryer.

Vanish!

Oh, boy.

"Friends,

"A boy can
love his pop.

"A pig can
love his slop.

"A man can
love a woman to the end.

"But when all
is said and done,

"There's no better love
than one.

It's the love between
a buddy and his friend"

Tsk, some friend.

♪ [Singing]

Hi, raj.

Oh, hi, mama.

What's the matter with you?

Mama, I stink.

Oh, I know.
It's that dryer again.

No, it's not the dryer.
It's my cologne.

But, mama, I did
a terrible thing to dwayne.

I find that
hard to believe.

Believe it, mama.
Believe it.

Hi, dee.

What did you do?

He stole
dwayne's girlfriend.

And he says he stinks
because he does.

But it's none
of my business,

So, I'll just
stay out of it.

Is this true, roger?

I couldn't help it, mama.

It was like
love at first sight.

Didn't that
ever happen to you?

No way!

Nobody can get me
all in in one sight!

Oh, mama. We got
this date tonight and...

What should I do?

Well, I'm going to
leave that up to you.

And I got a feeling,

You're not as much in love
as you think you are.

But if you want
to break that date

And save
dwayne's feelings,

You'll get over it
soon enough.

Oh, but she's
so pretty, mama.

There you go again.

Love is not only
a pretty face,
and a sweet voice,

And a lovely figure,
you know?

So she isn't rich!

A hard head
makes a soft behind.

And I see
you're going to have to
learn it for yourself.

The hard way.

Well, what are you
gonna do, raj?

You have got
a big nose.

That's how I know your
underpants are burned.

[Knocking at door]

Hi, dee.
Where's raj?

Hi, raj.

Hey, hey.
What's happening?

Well, I got to thinking
about what you said.

You know, about me
being old enough
to do things myself.

And since you said
she likes me and
my great smile and all,

Well, I decided to
drop by her house tonight

And welcome her
to the neighborhood.

Son of a g*n.

W-w-what do you
think, raj?

Well...

Go in the kitchen
and say hello to mama.

Ok.

Wait till you smell
his underpants, dwayne.

How come you're
all dressed up, raj?

Dressed up?

Ha-ha.

[Sighs]

I think I'd better
tell you.

I'm going over
to nancy's house.

Huh?

I said I'm going over
to nancy's house.

I heard that, raj.

Oh. Did you?

I didn't
know if you...

You see, when I said it,
you said, "huh?"

So I said it again

Because I didn't think
you heard me
when I said it.

Because you said, "huh?"
So I said it again.

Why are you going over to
nancy's house?

Huh?

I said-- listen, I said,
"why are you going over"--

I heard you, dwayne.

You're supposed
to be helping me!

W-w-what happened
to the master plan?

That is my master plan.

See, you have to
do these things
step by step.

I only mentioned you
this afternoon,
but tonight...

Oh, right, right.

So, you were
going over there

To tell her
more things about me.

That's why you
held back today.

You said it!

Roger, you're
the best friend
a guy could ever have.

No!

Yes, you are.
What was that poem you
once wrote about friends?

Ahem. "A boy can
love his pop.

A pig can
love his slop."

Pop and slop.
Oh, that's beautiful.
That says it all.

Hey, rerun.

Hi, dwayne!

Why are you
all dressed up?

Oh, I was going to go over
to nancy's house.

Tonight?

Yeah.

You don't want
to go tonight.

Well, I did,
but I don't now.

How did you know
I don't want
to go now, anyway?

Oh, I just guessed.

I stopped by
raj's house first,

You know, to tell him
I was going there.

And I found out
he's going.

You found out?

He told you?

Yeah, he told me.

Everything?

Right.

How could he do that?

What?

Rub it in.

It's...

It's bad enough
he's in love with her,

But to come right out
and tell you.

No, maybe that
is the best thing.

Maybe that is right.

What are you
talking about?

I think raj is right.

It's better that
he told you

That he and nancy
were having a thing.

It sure is better
to hear it from raj

Than to hear it
from some big-mouthed,
gossipy fool,

Isn't it?

Isn't it?

Is it?

Oh, boy.

Not this time,
fool.

Hey, dwayne! Dwayne!

Ain't gonna
get me.

"But you're not
a strange thing,

"Because day and night,

"Whenever I see you,

You're still out of sight"

That's beautiful.

That's dwayne.

He's written
a lot of poems like that

Since he saw you
this afternoon.

That's just one of 'em.

I--i never guessed
he could be so romantic.

He looked so shy with
that big, dumb smile.

That's the charm of him.

All the girls at school
are crazy about dwayne.

He's gentle.
He's quiet, shy.

There you are.
You lousy, rotten,
double-crossing,

No-good rat!

See?

Uh, is this your idea
of sensitivity and warmth?

Well, he's just
a little bit...

Wait!

He comes busting
into my house,

sh**ting off
his big mouth,

And all night
you've been
telling me

What a cool
and wonderful guy he is?

Huh?

You know, you
really are a bummer.

I mean, first
you lead me on,

And then you try
to push me off
on this--this--this

Big-mouthed nothing!

Nothing?
Nothing?

Maybe you
forgot about this.

I'm gonna be sick.

Get out of here.

And I don't want
to see either one
of you again, ever.

Hmm!

Well, that's
all right with me.

Me, too.
Thanks, raj.

It's all right, buddy.
Come on, let's go.

Those guys are crude.

Now, take me for instance.

I got class.

I happen to be
a combination of
harry belafonte,

Sidney poitier,

And billy dee williams,
all rolled up into one.

Well, as long as
you're all rolled up,

Roll out!

Ciao!

You're looking
for trouble, dwayne.

[Both laughing]

What's so funny?

We all went bowling,
and on rerun's first ball,

He slipped and fell,

And the vibrations
knocked all 10 pins down.

I thought
you were going to
that nancy's house.

Yeah, we went there first,
but she threw us out.

So, we decided to spend
a night out together.

That's right.
No dumb girls.
Just guys.

That's right.
Me and my 2 buddies,

Rerun and dwayne.

Like the 3 musketeers.

Yeah, moe, larry and curly.

No, that's
the 3 stooges.

He knows what
he's talking about.

[Phone ringing]

Hello?

Yeah, this is
the right house.

Yeah, they're all here.

I'll tell him. Ok.

[Roger]
who was it?

It was nancy.
She felt bad,

And she wants to
apologize to the cute one.

I'll see y'all later.

Wait--wait a minute.
She said cute, not shy.

[Rerun laughing]

You guys are all wrong.

I'm sure she meant me.

I could tell
by her look.

Back off!

[Phone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, hi, mary lou.

Yeah, I'm sorry
I hung up.

It was just
a joke on raj.