01x12 - The Incomplete Shakespeare

[bunniefuu]

[boy]
but mom,
i'm big for my age.

[mother]
son, your problem isn't
that you're big for your age,

it's that you're young
for your height!

[male announcer]
stay tuned for some scenes
from next week's show!

Oh, no way!
Oh, man.

The worst.
That show is the pits.

Did you ever hear
such lousy jokes?

Any fool could write that.

Here, rerun.

Dee, got any more
potato chips?

You ate 2 bags already.

So what? I have
a weight problem.

Yeah, you can't wait
to stuff your mouth.

Hey, raj, you wanna
be a writer,

So why don't you try
and write a t.v. Script?

I just know we
could sell it.

You think so?

Hey, I know so.
Everythin' you write
is good, raj.

Gee, maybe I could.

What show are you goin'
to write for?

Well, there's that
new t.v. Show
about the, uh, 3 kids.

central avenue.

Oh, yeah. It's about 3 guys,
our age, who live in watts.

That's us!
It's perfect.

All we do is write
about things that
happen to us.

Yeah, like the time
rerun got burned
making popcorn.

Hey, that's great.

We can call it:
the fat's in the fire!

Get out of here, dee, now!

Hey, raj, we could write a
story about what happened
to marvin howard last year.

Remember he had to get
those big braces
on his teeth,

And he really felt
dumb, so...

He locked himself
in the bathroom so he wouldn't
come out of the house.

Yeah, how d'you know?

I saw it on
a brady bunch,
2 years ago.

Hey, well,
how's this, then?

It happened to eddie dennis.

He entered a cake-baking
contest a year ago...

And he used salt
instead of sugar.
happy days, last year!

Hey, look, let's just think
of somethin' that might really
happen to the 3 of us

In true life.

Like, um...

We're walkin' home
from school,

And we spot
a strange-looking bag

Next to a garbage pail
and we open it.

And rerun eats
what's in it!

No. It's full of money.

All right!
And the money is counterfeit!

Why?

How should I know,
we just found it a second ago.

Check this!
It's not counterfeit,
it's real money,

And there's jewelry
and all kind of other stuff
in there, too.

Of course,
it's the loot from
a jewelry store robbery,

And the crooks dropped it
there when they were bein'
chased by the fuzz.

All right, raj,
you are the greatest!

Man, write this down
before you forget it.

How much do they pay
for a television story?

I don't know. Why?

Well, I just want
to know what my share
is gonna be.

Your share?

I came up with the idea
and I'm gonna write it.

But we were
your inspiration.

When tolstoy wrote
w*r and peace,

The russian army was
his inspiration,

But he didn't share
the money with them.

That's because they're
communists.

Money doesn't mean
that much to them.

But to a patriotic american
like me, it's a way of life.

All right, if I can sell
central avenue the idea,

We split the money.

But if they ask me
to do a whole script,
I keep all the money.

Deal?

[Both]
it's a deal.

That's it!

[Sighs]

Roger, why are you
still writing?

It's 3:00
in the mornin', honey.

Oh, mama, when a writer
gets inspiration,
he's got to go with it.

Why not
"go with it" to bed?

Mama, all great writers
work this way.

I mean, you've heard
that famous story

About ernest hemingway,
haven't you?

No.

Well, one night he was
so inspired

That he checked
into this motel with
his typewriter and his paper.

And the next morning,

After only 12 hours,
he walked
out of that motel

With a finished book
under his arm.

Which book was that?

The bible.
He ripped off the motel.

You are jokin'?

Oh, yeah,

Are you almost finished?

Oh, mama, look.
I am finished.

And you will be happy
to know

That our 3 heroes
returned the loot

And got
a substantial reward
in the end.

And that's where you're gonna
get it if you don't go to bed.

Ok, mama.

Oh, mama, you don't know
how it feels to have
written your own story.

I think, tomorrow,
I'll go to school
and I'll type it up,

Then I'll send it
off special delivery.

Now, roger, don't get
your hopes up too high.

These shows get
lots of stories sent to them,

And every writer thinks
his story is the best.

Oh, I know,
but mine is great.

I mean, everybody who reads
my stuff says
I really write good.

Well.

Well, what?

You really write well.

Oh, thank you, mama.
Everybody says that.

Good night, roger.

[Chuckles]

Good night, mama.

Oh, I'm a writer!

Oh.

I can't believe it.

The first episode
of central avenue goes on
in a few minutes,

And you still haven't heard
whether or not
they like your idea.

Yeah, I know, but it's
only been a few weeks.

Maybe they don't want to do
a story about kids findin'
stolen money, and stuff.

Yeah, maybe not.

[Roger]
what are you looking for?

Your mama, where is she?

I told you, she's goin'
straight from work
to the supermarket,

Then she's comin' home.

I know, but she should have
been here by now.

I'm worried about her
bein' so late, raj.

Why? The streets are safe.

I'm not worried
about the streets,

I'm worried
about the supermarket.

If she gets there too late,
they could be out of twinkies!

Trust her, rerun.
She'll find somethin'
for you to eat,

Then she'll be here
before the show starts.

[Knocking on door]

Oh, come in, dwayne,

Hey, hey, hey,
what's happenin'?

Did you bring any food?

I did better than that,
I brought the food fairy!

Ta da!

Hi, everybody,
did I make it
on time?

You sure did, mrs. Thomas.
Here, let me help you
with that.

It's much lighter now.

Sorry.

Hey, raj, you got
a paper and a pencil?

Oh, yeah, I'm all set.
I'm gonna take down
the order of the show.

You know, where
the commercials go.

Oh, mama, hurry up!
It's almost 8:00.

Here you go, rerun.
Take one and pass it.

Right, mrs. Thomas.

Hey, come on, hurry up,
dee, turn on the set.

[male announcer]
our regularly scheduled
program

will not be seen tonight,
so that we can bring you

a special program,
the flight of the mongoose.

Oh, wow, man.
What's goin' on?

Didn't you hear?
the flight of
the mongoose.

Wow, were we wrong.

I thought
this show was
about 3 kids.

It's about mongeeses.

But, now, how can they take
central avenue off
before they even put it on?

They didn't take it off,
it's on a different channel.

I just wanted to see
the flight of the mongoose.

For crying out loud, dee.

♪ [music playing]

[male announcer]
it's time to laugh
on central avenue.

[audience clapping]

hey, look at this bag
next to the garbage can.

i wonder what's in it.

Huh?

wow! Look at this!
it's full of money!

And jewelry...

diamonds, and rubies...

let's get out of here!

They stole my story!
They did my story!

[male announcer]
here are some scenes from
next week's central avenue.

I don't believe it.

I don't believe
they ripped me off!
They stole my story!

Why would they do
a thing like that?

That story
really stunk.

Now, dee, shh!

Roger, do you have
a copy of what you sent in?

No, mama.

Then how can we prove
they stole your story?

We could sneak down there
tonight, go through
their files,

And find your original copy.

Yeah, that's how
the government does it.

Now, that's enough
of that kind of talk.

Now, roger, if you ask them
about your story, they'll say
they never got it.

Now, we don't have a case
we can prove in court.

But they can't get
away with it, mama!

I'll sue them anyway.

I'll be a witness.

You'd be good, rerun.

Thanks, dee.

You'd throw yourself
on the mercy of the court
and smother the jury.

[Knocking on door]

Come on in!

Hey, raj, I got your mail,

And guess what?
There's somethin' here from
central avenue productions!

Hey!

I bet you it's a check
for your story!
They gonna pay you, after all.

[Chuckling]

There's no check,
just a letter.

Maybe it tells you
the check is comin' later.

Let him read it.

Go on, read it, man.

"Dear mr. Thomas..."

"Mr. Thomas."
Oh!

Read on,
mr. Thomas, read on.

"We received
your story outline..."

Well, all right!

And you should
pick up your fortune!

"Unfortunately...

"We are returning it
as it is our policy

Not to read
unsolicited scripts or ideas."

Huh?

"All submissions must come
through a recognized agent.

Thanking you
for your interest,
mr. Ben martin, producer."

What a rip-off.

How can they do that?
Just lie and steal like that.

And then send you a letter
that says that they
never read it.

If they didn't read it,
how did they know what it was
that they didn't read?

Huh?

And how could they show it
on that program last night
if they didn't read it?

Well, somebody in that company
must have read it.

Raj, what are
we gonna do?

This afternoon
I'm goin' down there
to see mr. Ben martin.

We'll all go.

Yeah!

We're partners!
Yeah!

We'll demand our money!

All right!

And if he doesn't give it
to us, we'll just get tough!

Good luck.
I'll wait here.

Now, don't worry.
Leave everythin' to me.
I'll do all the talkin'.

[Whistles]

Wow!

[All 3 yelling]

Excuse me...

Oh, I'm glad you're here.

You are?

Certainly.

Uh, start with the windows,
and when you finish,

You can shampoo the carpets.

Huh?

You got it all wrong.

Well, aren't you
from the cleaning service?

My good woman,
we're not cleaners,

We're artists.

Oh, I'm glad
that you take pride
in your work.

Please do a good job.
Mr. Martin hates streaking.

Don't worry. I'm not droppin'
my drawers for nobody!

Say, what do
you kids want?

Don't be deceived by
our youthful appearance.

We're here to see mr. Martin
on a very serious matter.

Specifically, what?

Specifically, lying,
cheating, and stealing.

Just a minute.

Mr. Martin, there are
3 gentlemen here to see you,

They say it's in reference
to lying, cheating,
and stealing.

I'll tell them.

I'm sorry, but there are
no openings
in our accounting department.

Look, we have got
to see mr. Martin.

I'm sorry, but mr. Martin
is not seeing anyone today!

[Phone rings]

Central avenue productions.

Well, I guess,
that does it, raj.

She's not lettin'
anybody in there.

Hey, look, guys,
we've come this far,

We might as well wait
until he comes out.

Hi, madge.

Say, if ben isn't busy,
I'd like to chat with him
about the set.

Oh, sure,
go ahead. He's free.

He's free!

She said he
couldn't see anyone.

Maybe it was
an emergency.

It didn't seem like
an emergency to me.

Hi, madge.
Hi.

Why, I love
your hairdo.

Oh, thank you.

Is he in?

Sure, go ahead.

She's not stoppin' anybody!

I guess we're
not important enough.

Maybe I should start throwing
my weight around.

Sit down!

Ok, now, charlie, listen.
You handle the cast,

And I'll check
on the floor plan.

And then, later on,
we'll meet
and we'll coordinate...

Hi, madge.

Is mr. Martin busy?

Never for you!

Thanks, madge.

I've had it. I'm gonna
demand to see him.

[Phone rings]

Central avenue productions.

Oh, hello, mrs. Martin.

Uh, no, mr. Martin is
in a very important
business meeting,

And he can't be disturbed.

Uh... Oh, by the way,
he told me to tell you that
he'll be working late tonight.

Goodbye.

What is it, now?

Oh, nothin',
nothin' at all.

What's up, raj?

[Whispering]

[Roger muttering]
yeah, so I got this...

Oh, hello, mrs. Martin!
So nice to see you!

No, he's not busy.
Go right in!

Hello, darling!

What's going on, here?

I'm sorry,
mr. Martin.

Oh, never mind.

It'll only take
a minute
of your time.

Just show him
the letter.

Letter?

Maybe you should
read this.

I read it!

Give it to him!

Oh, here.
It starts:
"dear mr. Thomas..."

Give me that!
I can read.

You better get
you a lawyer.

Thanks for the advice,
melvin belly.

Thomas, uh, thomas.
Who's thomas?

Him, he's
mr. Thomas.

Well, mr. Thomas,
this is a form letter.

Apparently, you sent in
an idea,

And we sent it right back
to you, and that's it.
And goodbye.

Oh, the least you can do
is read the idea
that I sent in.

[Stuttering]

Yeah, all right,
I'll look at it.

[Woman]
ben, I'm waiting.

I'll be right there!

Yeah.
It's my attorney.

Yes, uh...

[Clears throat]

Let's see now,
ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

Yes, sir, yes, sir.

Oh, I see,
I see, I see, I see.

I knew you'd
feel that way.

Now, look, I'm
a reasonable young man,

And I don't want
to take advantage
of your mistake.

I think a fair settlement
would be $10,000.

Huh?

Don't get crazy, raj.

Gentlemen, follow me.

I guess I'm going to have
to prove to you that
I did not steal your idea.

Come, come, liar and thief.
Do we look stupid?

Well, do they?

Now, in these files, they have
all the outlines of all
the scripts of all my shows,

Including last night's.

Uh, last night's was written
about several months ago.

Uh, you check the date,
and look through it.

[Sighs]

Oh.

Oh, no.

This is exactly...

The same idea
I sent in a month ago.

And here's a show
we did last season.

[Sighs]

Same idea?

Yeah, same idea.

And here's a show
we did in 1965.

[Sighs]

"And the 3 kids find
the bag of money..."

You see, that show
always works.

Now, gentlemen, if you will
excuse me, I have a desk
full of problems.

Well, all right.

Then give us a $100
and we'll forget
the whole thing.

Hey, let's go, guys.

They don't need
no original ideas here.

They just keep on usin'
the same old stuff over
and over again.

He doesn't want to know
what really goes down
on central avenue.

Ahem, wait a second,
wait a second.

Look, what you said
just made a lot of sense.

It does?
Yes.

You see, central avenue
happens to be a show
about young, black people.

You're young,
and you're black.

He's right, raj!
I can see it from here.

And he lives
on central avenue!

Perfect!

How would you like
to work for me as, uh,

As an ethnic consultant?

I'd love it.
What do I have to do?

You just have to come in
a couple of days during
the week after school,

And share your experiences
with us.

And give us
ghetto expressions,

Like, "right on,"
"keep the faith,"
"keep on truckin'."

How about,
"cool it, turkey"?

Hey, that's good.

Have the ratings come in
on our first show, yet?

No. They said they'd call
as soon as they came in.

All right.
Is raj on his way?

Yes, he is.
Good.

All right, I want to take
a memo to the staff.

"As you know, the network
has picked up
our first western,

So there will be
a production meeting
first thing in the morning."

Uh, sign my name.

Hi, mr. Martin.
You wanna see me?

Hey, wait till you see
what I did
to that second scene.

Uh, raj, I want to talk to you
about what you did
to the first scene.

Didn't you like it?

I loved it. I loved it.
Yes, it was perfect.

Except all the words
were wrong.

Is that all?

Yes, well, I mean,
it was good.

I mean, it's too much
of a change.

I liked it better when--when
the son got $20 a week
allowance from his mother.

You see, that shows love
between a mother and a son
in the ghetto.

But no kid in the ghetto gets
$20 a week allowance.

He either gets
a small allowance
or he gets a job.

Raj, america doesn't want
to know that the people
in the ghetto are poor.

But I thought
you wanted me
to write the truth.

I do want you to write
the truth, even if
you have to lie a little.

Say what?

That's it!
That's what I mean.
That's what I want.

Forget about the plot
and the truth
and the rest of the garbage,

Gimme the "say what's" and
"what is it's"!

What it is!

Good. Good.
Give me 5 of those.

And give me 10 or 12
"hey, man,"
and we're in business!

No, you're in business.
I can't do that.

I gotta tell it like it is,
or I can't tell it at all.

Thank you,
and goodbye.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Wait a second.

Raj, maybe we can do it...

Your way.

Where is he?

He should be here
by now.

Now, listen, fellas.
It's roger's first day as
an official television writer,

So let's not jump on him
the minute he walks
in the door, ok?

You know,
I'm proud of raj.

So am i.

I know,
I'm not always nice to him,

But he said he was gonna
buy me a lot of nice things
with his money.

What's a muzzle?

[Rerun]
hey, raj!

Hey, man,
tell us everythin'!

Yeah, what d'you buy me?

Did you give them
a script about me,
debonair man about town?

Hold it. Hold it.

What's the matter, son?

[Mumbling]
the show was cancelled.

What?

The show was cancelled.

What are you
talkin' about?

The network called
and said because
of the terrible ratings

The show was cancelled.

After only one episode?

And mr. Martin said,
"well, that's the way
it goes."

Then he collapsed
and cried in my arms.

At least he thought
enough of you to hire you
in the first place.

Poor raj,
a flop at 16.

They gave me
a check for $20 for today.

I changed my mind.
You're not a flop.

I told them
to forget it.

Why did you
do that, flop?

I wanted cash.

That's $20.

Exactly.

Oh, you should have
only took $15.

Why?

Because it's easier
to divide by 3.

Hey, back off!

Hey, what do you guys
wanna do tonight?

Let's sneak
into a movie.

Last time you said that,

We ended up standin' out
on the freeway trying
to lip-read the drive-in.

Hey, how about
ice skating?

Yeah.

No. Every time the guy
sees me comin',

He puts up
the "thin ice" sign.

Hey, wait a minute!
Here's a picture
of ben martin.

Where?
Right here.

There's a whole article
on this new
western t.v. Show.

It's probably
another rip-off.

No, no, no.
Listen to this.

"It's unlike anything
ever done before."

What else
does it say?

"In tonight's story,
the grand canyon,

"When suddenly
next to a garbage can

They find a bag filled
with money,
diamonds and rubies."

Wow, what a great idea!

Raj, why can't you
write a story like that?