02x07 - The Play's the Big Thing

[bunniefuu]

[Raj]
I mean it, mama,
I've had it.

And I'm not a kid
anymore.

I don't need you to tell me
what I can do
or what I can't do.

Now, you messed up
your life,

But you're not gonna
mess up mine.

How do you like
my scene, mama?

Wasn't that great?
It's good, son.

It's darn good writing.

Go ahead, finish it.

All right, now,
this is the last speech
just before the curtain.

Right here?

All right.

All right,
that did it.

Now you don't want
to take me seriously,
so I'm leaving.

But before I go,
let me tell you one thing.

I tried to be a good son,
I really did, mama,

But you didn't
want a son.

You wanted
a sl*ve.

That's right, mama,
a sl*ve.

You wanted me to do
what you told me,
when you told me,

And how you told me.

And don't look at me
like I'm crazy,

'Cause I'm not crazy.

I just don't wanna
be your sl*ve.

I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy,
I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy.

Hey, raj,
you're crazy, man.

We got him,
mrs. Thomas.

Will you guys
let me go?

Uh, mrs. Thomas, tell him he
doesn't have to be a sl*ve.

Easy, kunte,
easy.

Wait a minute, fellas.

Let him go,
let him go.

He's just acting out
a scene he wrote.

Oh, wow.

What a great actor, raj.

Yeah, you sure
had me fooled.

I really thought
you were crazy.

I mean, how were we
supposed to know?

We came along
and saw you screamin'
at your mother.

Rerun.
Yeah?

Either kiss me
or let me go.

Raj, is that the scene
for miss collins' class?

Of course.

Did you boys
write one, too?

Uh-uh, see, the class
covers all kinds
of theatre art,

So I'm gonna
sing something.

Hey, that's wonderful.
What are you going to sing?

Uh, hey-hey-hey.

How does that go?

♪ You are the
sunshine of my life ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey

That's nice.

Dwayne, your singin'
is driving me right into
the other room,

The kitchen.

Rerun.

Please don't look now,
but he's in for
a big disappointment.

I'm defrosting
the refrigerator and I put
all the food in the pantry,

And he won't
find a bite.

[Rerun yelling]

You've been hit.

Rerun.

It's awful.

D-d-d-did you just see
this huge white box

Just sitting there
with nothing in it?

Rerun.
They left nothing.

Oh, rerun, I defrosted
the refrigerator.

Ah, wait here and I'll see
if I can scrape up
a couple of twinkies for you.

Thanks, mrs. Thomas.

Uh, don't mention it.

Sorry I got so upset.

It's just that I missed
my lunch today.

Why didn't
you have lunch?

I did, but
the second it was
gone, I missed it.

Rerun, what are you
doing for the
theatre arts class?

Well, um...

You didn't prepare
anything, right?

Right.

You're gonna get
another "f," rerun.

I know it
and I'm sick of it, too.

Do you know
what it's like to see
a report card full of f's?

No.

You start thinking
every subject ends in "f."

Like "historyf."

"Biologyf."

"Chemistryf."

And "algebraf."

I'm not even good
in "gymf."

Raj, why don't you let
rerun, uh, play that
part in your scene?

You'll get an "a" for
writin' it, and his project
can be acting in it.

Hey, raj,
t-that'll do it.

Great idea, dwayne.

Uh, i--i don't know, rerun.

Uh, I won't mess it up,
raj. I promise.

I-i'm a good actor,
just give me a chance.

Here you go, fellas,
here are the twinkies.

Hold it.

You want acting,
I'll show you acting.

Ohhh, ohhh,
stay back.

Ooh, you dirty rats.

Don't--don't you put
your pinkies on my twinkies.

Stand back, stand back
or I'll--or I'll cream ya.

Now, shakespeare's theatre
was called
the globe theatre.

And speaking of globes,
uh, frederick.

Frederick, can you name
5 plays that were written
by william shakespeare?

romeo and juliet.
good.

That's 2.

That's 1.

That's right.

macbeth.

That's 2.

How 'bout the one
where the guy talks to his
father's ghost in the castle?

hamlet.
that's 3.

No fredrick, that's 2.
I gave you hamlet.

Thank you.

Sit down, frederick.

So, all he wrote
was 3 plays?

What's the big deal?

Dwayne.
Uh?

How many plays
did shakespeare write?

Uh, let's see.

Uh.
3.

Um, lets see.

Uh.
3.

3.
Frederick.

Shakespeare wrote
37 plays.

37.

[Bell ringing]

Frederick.

Yes, mrs. Collins?

Roger tells me
that you're going to
be acting in his scene.

Ye-yeah, I play
the crazy sl*ve.

Well, I hope you learn
the part, fredrick.

Because you have
an "f" average,

And you're gonna need an "a"
in this one in order
to pass the course.

Don't worry,
miss collins.

I'll learn it
and I'll be good.

All right.

Oh, roger,
may I speak to you
for a minute?

Roger, I thought you might
be interested in knowing

That the producer
of happy times,
the t.v. Show,

Is an old friend
of mine,

And he's agreed
to come down here
and see the class projects.

No kidding,
that's terrific!

And if he likes your scene,
who knows,

It might be a chance
to write for happy times.

All right.

Wow, miss collins,
thanks a lot, thank you.
You're terrific.

That's a show
about a black family.

I know a lot about
black people, I was raised
by a black family.

[Chuckling]
roger, roger, calm down.

I-i'm calm.
Uh-um.

Uh, I'm cool, uh, I'm
cuke as a coolumber.

Dee, it's gonna
be terrific.

See, for a beginning,
I'm gonna do this.

See, a-and then for
the high part,
I'm gonna do this.

See, and the-then,
for the low part,

I'm--i'm gonna
do like this.

Ugh, get back.

Ugh, ugh
get back.

See.

A-an-and then
for the finish,
I'm gonna do this spin.

And then if they really
like it, I'll wrap it up
with an encore.

If they like it,
you should wrap them up
with a straitjacket.

That's vicious.

Uh, hey, dwayne.
Hey, raj.

Sorry I'm late,
we were rehearsing.

How's rerun
coming along with the play?

Uh, not perfect.

Can he act?

Rerun?
Fat chance.

Will you mind
your own business?

Now the--the truth is,
he has a lot of talent,
dwayne.

It just
has to be developed.

You know, he, uh,
needs the proper guidance,
a little nurturing.

He's more like
a diamond in the rough.

Hmm, that bad, huh?

I wouldn't say
he was bad.

He stinks.

That's what
I would say.

Hey, what's happenin'?

Hey, rerun.

There he is.

The great actor.

Sidney portley.

Ah, dee.

Dee.

With light through yonder
window breaks.

It is the east.

And you are the sun.

And you are the moon.

Dee.

The full moon.

Enough,
now knock it off.

You guys are gonna
be proud of me.

I learned to sing.
Wait till you hear this.

♪ Ooh, ooh,
that's right, mama ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh,
you wanted me to be
your sl*ve ♪

♪ Ooh, you wanted me
to do what you told me ♪

♪ When you told me,
and how you told me ♪

♪ Ooh, don't look at me
like I'm crazy ♪

♪ I'm not crazy,
I just don't wanna
be your sl*ve ♪

♪ Ooh, don't look at me
like I'm crazy,
I'm not crazy ♪

♪ I'm not crazy,
I'm not crazy ♪

I know,
you're lousy.

That's because
I'm hungry.

What about rehearsal?

Haven't you ever heard
of starving artists?

Wow, he is bad.

Yeah, an-and there's
a t.v. Producer coming over
to see my scene, dwayne.

He's gonna
blow my chances.

My one-in-a-million shot,
my big break, and rerun's
gonna blow it for me.

What you gonna do, raj?
You can't replace him.

I don't know.
He's counting
on the mark.

If I replace him now,
he'll get an "f"
in theatre arts.

And I'll get an "f"
in friendship.

You're willing to blow
your big chance at impressing
a television producer,

And maybe even
getting a job on t.v.,

And makin' a fortune,
and becoming famous,
all for the sake of a friend.

Well, we were
never that close.

Here you go, rerun.

Mm-hmm.
Thanks, shirley.

Hey, shirley,
this is a 3-minute egg,

I ordered a
5-minute egg.

So, don't eat it
for 2 minutes.

I'm not hungry,
take it back.

Uh, I can't do that.
I have no idea
where that chicken is.

Look, shirley,
I'm upset.

Oh, yeah.
Your upset stomach.

Watch it, shirley.
I don't need
your big mouth.

Well, then how would you
like my little hand
up against your head?

Come on, shirley,
I got a problem.

Well, when raj and dwayne
come, they'll cheer you up.

No, they won't.
Raj is the problem.

What did he do?

He kicked me out
of the play.

Why?

He said I couldn't
act my way out
of a hefty bag.

That's too bad,
what do you want
for dessert?

You don't care anything
about me at all.

I'm a waitress, rerun,
not a nurse.

Now, if you want food,
you come here.

You want care, check into
the county general.

Hey, hey, hey.

Oh, hey, guys.
What's happenin', shirley.

Hey, rerun.

Hello, dwayne.
Hi, rerun.

Hello, dwayne.
Hello, rerun.

Hi, rerun.
Hello, dwayne.

Hello, rerun.
Oh, what do you guys want?

I want an orange soda,
bring dwayne
a grape soda,

And give him
a separate table.

Got it.

Uh, rerun, I know
how you must feel
but that's--

That was the only thing
I could do.

A friend does not
kick you out of his play,

And make you
get an "f" in dramaf.

Look, put yourself
in my shoes, rerun.

Raj, that's your
favorite pair of shoes.

Will you shut up?

All right, raj,
I guess you're right.

Uh, I'll just get an "f"
and you'll get an "a."

Nobody cares
about me anyway.

Rerun, there's a producer
from happy times
gonna be there.

I know it would be
hard for you,

But if I fail,
it may be the end for me.

We're friends,
remember?

Yeah, I remember.

Well?

You're back
in the play.

Raj, thanks.
I mean it.

[Singing off-key]
♪ hey, girls, gather around

♪ Listen to what
I'm puttin' down ♪

♪ Hey, baby,
I'm your handyman ♪

♪ I'm not the kind
to use a pencil or rule ♪

♪ I'm handy with love
and I'm no fool ♪

♪ I fix a broken heart

♪ I know I really can

♪ If your broken heart
needs repair ♪

♪ Then I'm the man
to see ♪

♪ I whisper sweet things

♪ You tell all your friends

♪ They'll come
running to me ♪

♪ Here is the main thing
I've got to say ♪

♪ I'm busy 24 hours a day

♪ I fix broken hearts,
I know I really can ♪

Get back!

♪ Come-a, come-a, come-a,
come-a, come-a, come-a ♪

♪ They'll come
runnin' to me ♪

♪ Here is the main thing
I've gotta say ♪

♪ I'm busy
24 hours a day ♪

♪ I fix broken hearts
I know I really can ♪

♪ Come-a, come-a, come-a,
come-a, come-a, come-a ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Come-a, come-a, come-a,
come-a, come-a, come-a ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Come-a, come-a, come-a,
come-a, come-a, come-a ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah

Thank you, dwayne.

Thank you very much.
Thank you.

Uh, mr. Michael,
would you like to
make a comment?

Hey, I thought
it was terrific.

You know, there are a lot
of ways to go with that song
and he took them all.

Nice job, don.

It's dwayne.

Thank you.

Now class, do we have
any comments on
dwayne's performance?

I think I should remind you
that part of your marks
are based

On criticism
of performance.

Now, if you want to
improve your marks, I suggest
you express an opinion.

Now.
Yes, frederick.

I felt that
dwayne sang a song.

Would you care to expand
on your criticism, frederick?

Well, yes.

I felt that he was very good
and very creative.

And he put certain notes in
that no one ever thought
to use before.

Huh?
But he was good.

Thank you,
and now, class,

An original play.

A scene from
the life of a teenager.

Featuring frederick stubbs
as our leading actor,

Diane harris
as his co-lead,

And written and directed
by our very own
roger thomas.

[Clapping and cheering]

Ok. Actors,
take your places.

Mr. Michaels,
you're gonna love this.

Or can I call you ron?

Sure, you can
call me ron.

But my name's paul.

I'm sorry.

Come on, roger,
lets go.

And action.

Hello, mama,
I'm home.

How was school today, son?

Not bad,
but I flunked my math.

Oh, you flunked
another test?

Yeah, that's right, mama.

[Both]
why?

Because I'm sick of school
and I'm quitting.

I'm not a kid
anymore.

Not yet.

I'm not a kid anymore,
not yet.

It's not that line,
yet.

It's not that line,
yet.

Gee, raj, I don't
remember that.

You don't say
"I'm not a kid anymore" yet.

That's
the next line.

Oh, yeah,
right, right.

Oh, miss collins
can we go back a little?

Hey, let's start
from where I kiss mama.

Rerun.

Uh, uh, mr. Michaels,
it's a good play,
really.

It--it just has
a few rough spots.

Uh, roger,
why don't we start from
diane's last line? Diane.

Oh, miss collins, I don't
think I should have to
do this with rerun.

He's just gonna
ruin my chances
of gettin' an "a."

How would you like me
to ruin your chances
of gettin' home?

Oh yeah, you just--

[Shouting]

Stop it,
that's enough.

Now, just do the scene.

You'll be judged
on your own work, diane,
and he'll be judged on his.

Now, roger, where
do you want them
to pick up from?

Uh, rerun, take it from
you're sick of school
and you're quitting.

You're sick of school
and you're quitting.

I'm quitting,
I'm quitting.

Not now raj,
this is your big chance.

He's the producer of
happy times.

[Bell ringing]

Just a minute, class.
Settle down.

Now I know we're all sorry
we didn't see the finish
of roger's play.

And I think we ought to
thank mr. Michaels

For taking time
from his busy schedule
to come and visit with us.

Right on,
right on.

That will be all
for today.

Roger, may I speak
to you for a minute?

Roger, I want you to know
that despite what happened,

I thought your
writing and directing
was very good.

Oh, thank you,
miss collins.

Uh, what about rerun?

He was terrible.

No, he wasn't,
he did it exactly
as I directed him.

So please give roger
a chance to write for
happy times, mr. Michaels,

He's a great writer.

It's really nice of you
to want to stick up
for your friend.

I mean, I'm the one
that spoiled it,
I'm a lousy actor.

Well, that may be true,

In fact, that is true.

Oh, really, roger.

I know you're
a good friend of his,
but he made a lot of mistakes.

Mistakes?

Uh, no, that was
our device,

We were, um,
creating

Theatre of reality.

He did the lines
just as I wrote them.

And I even
played a part.

You did?
Sure.

And you thought
rerun was making mistakes.

Wasn't he?

Of course not.

And I call that
pretty good acting
if he can fool you.

Wonderful acting.

And pretty good writing
if I have to say so myself.

Excellent writing.

Almost brilliant.

Almost.

Between you and me,

He may be an okay writer
for high school,

But he'll never be
good enough to
write for happy times.

Are you kidding?

Not good enough
to write for happy times.

I didn't know
they wrote that show,

I thought they made it up
as they went along.

I wouldn't let raj
waste his time on that junk.

Come on,
so what do we get?

Oh. Well, you'll both get
exactly what you deserve.

That's not fair.

A's, you both
get a's.

Is that all?

Listen, I gotta run now
but call me sometime,
we'll have lunch.

Mr. Michaels?

Rerun, where's mr. Michaels?
I want to talk to him.

He had to run.

But he never said what
he thought of my scene.

Uh-oh, but he did
say something.

What did he say?

Uh, uh.

He said he thought
your scene was
uh, great.

And--and he thought
your writing was fantastic.

Oh, congratulations,
roger.
Thank you.

I guess mr. Michaels
really understood

What you and frederick
were trying to do
in the theatre of reality.

The what of what?

There he goes again.
Great, rerun, great.

Frederick, both you and roger
will be getting a's.

I'm gettin' an "a"?

I must be dreaming.

No, I must be crazy.

You're not crazy,
you got an "a."

Oh,
I'm not crazy,

I'm not crazy.

Goodbye, miss collins.

Goodbye, raj.

Hello, hollywood.

[Raj]
you know what
I'm talking about?

See, I want to be
remembered for my writing.

I want something I wrote
to be read after I'm gone.

You mean like your will.

No, dwayne, I'm talking
about classic love stories.

You know, like
anthony and cleopatra.

Napoleon and josephine.

Snow white
and the 7 dwarfs.

Oh, you don't understand.
Read this, rerun.

It's a classic love story
about christopher columbus
and queen isabella.

This is great, raj.

Raj, I didn't know that
christopher columbus and
queen isabella had a thing.

Neither did the king.

But why do you think she gave
him three ships and sent him
to the end of the world?

Hi, mama.

Hello, queen isabella.
Thank you for the ships.

What is wrong with you?

He's acting...

Like a fool.

Dee.

It was great, mrs. Thomas.

Raj got an "a"
for writing and directing,

Rerun got an "a" for acting
and I got an "a" for singing.

Well I think that's
great. 3 A's, huh?

Well as long as
you're the triple a,

Why don't you get a tow truck
to pick up rerun?

Now you
stop that, dee.

Hey, I think you
fellas should be
proud of yourselves.

We are, mama.

We're gonna have
a big future in
the theatre of reality.

What's that?

Oh, the theatre of reality
is when you get people

To believe in you
and not know you're acting.

Oh, I get it.

So you were doing
the theatre of reality
the other night.

When was that?

It's not important.

You remember.

The other night when
mama asked you if
you had a girl over,

And you said no,
and she believed you,
remember?

See, anybody
can do it.
Let's go.

Roger, you're not
leaving this house.

Anger, fantastic.

Roger.
Calling, brilliant.

Roger, you get
back here.

Directing, great.

And you,

Don't you go
to my kitchen.