02x15 - Dee's First Date

[bunniefuu]

[Knocking on door]

Come in, dwayne.

Hey, hey,
watch out, raj!

[Cheering]

Oh, yeah!

They used to call me
"mr. Touchdown."

All right.

Oh, yeah, they used
to call me "mr. Pigskin."

Uh, brother,
let's make it.

You guys go ahead.
I'll catch up later.

Uh, what's the matter?

You gentlemen seem
to forget that I
am the man of this house

And in that position

I have certain
important responsibilities
to carry out.

Ok, raj. We'll wait.

Go ahead,
take out the garbage.

Today is a very special day

In the thomas household,
gentlemen.

Oh, what's happening?

Today, dee thomas is
having her very first date.

No kidding. With who?

Luther phillips.

You might know
his sister, melanie.

Oh, that melanie.

You mean, the new girl,
melanie phillips.

Wow, raj.
You sure are lucky.

Why is he so lucky?

"Why is he so lucky?"

Rerun, melanie phillips
is one of the foxiest
young ladies in the school,

That's why.

But raj isn't
going out with her.

Dee's going out
with her brother.

Yeah, why are you
so lucky, raj?

Because when luther tells her
what a great guy I am,

She'll be dying
to go out with me.

After a date with dee,

Luther'll be lucky
if he can even talk.

Besides, raj, why will he
tell her you're a great guy?

Because I'm treating them
to the movies.

Oh, yeah?
Mmm-hmm.

Uh, popcorn too?
Yeah.

And raisinettes and jujubees?

The works.

Fantastic.

Can I be dee's next date?

Hi, dwayne, rerun.

How you doing,
mrs. Thomas?
Where's dee?

I think she's
in the kitchen.

Dee!
[Dee]
yes, mama.

Come here, baby.
I got to go to work now.

And raj will be here
when luther comes
to pick you up.

And I'll be here
when he brings you home.

All right.

So you listen to raj,
and enjoy yourself, hear?

At the same time?

Yes, at the same time.

I'm going now,
see you.

Have a good time
at work, mama.

Ok, darling.

See you later,
mrs. Thomas.
All right.

Hey, you boys
enjoy yourself, hear?

Bye, now.

Tsk.

Hey, dee, it's terrific
you're going
on your first date.

[Snickers]

And--and to the movies.
Isn't that romantic?

[Laughing]

Don't fall apart, chuckles.
Robin is meeting us there.

Oh, dee, uh, go get ready
for the movies now.

I've got time.

Dee, mama told you
to listen to me.

I did listen to you.

And you know what?
You are boring.

[Coughing]

Hey.

Dee, you look beautiful.

I know.

This is one
of my best outfits.

This dude better
be worth it.

He is, he is.
Mama wouldn't let
you go out with him

If she didn't think
he was a gentleman.

And he comes from
a very nice family.

How do you know?

His sister has great legs.

So look, you--you got to
be nice to him, all right?

If he's nice to me,
I'll be nice to him.

If not,
he'll be eating popcorn
and spitting out teeth.

Spitting out teeth!

Where did you hear
such terrible language?

From melanie's brother.

It's catchy. I like it.

Uh, wonder where
the little fellow picks it up.

Television.

That's all he does.
Day and night, watch t.v.

That's cute.
I like that in a youth.

[Knocking on door]

That's him. Look,

Straighten up, dee.

Now be nice to him,
all right?

And it won't hurt you
to say something nice
about me.

It won't hurt me?

Give me a quarter
and it might even feel good.

Hey mama, what it is?

Bad grammar.
And I'm not your mama.

[Laughing]

Hey, how you doin',
my man?

Hey, give me 5, bro.

All right. I didn't
hurt you, did i?

Hey, is horn rims
with you?

Horn rims?
Are you talking about me?

That's cute.

He's my brother.

Oh, really?
Mmm-hmm.

No kidding?

Where's the rest of him?

The rest of me?

Hey, what I mean,
you are skinny, man.

And you can take that
to the bank and tell 'em
baretta sent you.

You got that?

Later, pretzel stick.

Let's go, baby.

Later, pretz.

[All whooping]

Now, did you guys
win or something?

On the last play
of the game.

Hey, man, let's show her.
Dwayne, out, raj in.

All right.
Rerun is the center.

I'm in the "t" formation.
Uh-huh.

Dwayne off to the right,
the ball comes to me,

I fake a handoff to dwayne
and turn and go right up
the middle--

You got to understand.
They only had 3 guys.

3 Guys.

How would you like
a goal post up your nose, raj?

3 Sodas, shirley.
3 Sodas.

Hey, raj. Look
who's coming
in the door.

No, who?

Man, it's melanie.

[Rerun]
she's coming this way.

[Dwayne]
oh, raj.

Gorgeous, raj.
Gorgeous.

Oh, thank you, dwayne.

I'm talking about melanie.

Hi, I'm melanie phillips.
We're in algebra one together.

Excuse me, if you need
any help with your homework,
let me know.

I've had algebra one
3 times.

Rerun, melanie is in
my algebra class.

Oh, excuse me,
you wanna sit down?

Oh, no thank you, roger.
I was just passing by

And I saw you,
so I came in to say,
"hello."

You recognized me
from the back?

Well, I sit behind you
in class.

You know, your sister's out
with my brother now.

No kidding?
Are you luther's sister?

Talk about coincidence.
I didn't know that.

Sure you did, raj.
Remember what you said
at your house?

Oh, yeah,
I do remember now.

My mind is been so cluttered
with my charity work.

Well, I hope the kids
have a good time.

Oh, when you're out
with a thomas,

You always
have a good time.

Oh.

Hey, maybe we'll double-date
with little ones sometime.

Well, if they let us.

Um, I got to
get back to work now.

Goodbye.
Goodbye.

Bye, melanie.

Mmm, gorgeous.

Ooh, and if dee
behaves herself,

Melanie is mine.

Raj.

Raj.

Raj, tell me,
can you remember
your very first date?

Oh, man, I never will
forget it.

It was with lynn jones.

We went to
the roller rink together.

She could skate backwards.

Bet you it turned out
perfect, right?

Not exactly--

Here you go.
3 Sodas--

Shh, raj is telling us
about his first date.

All right. When is it?

A long time ago, shirley.

Oh, come on, raj,
just tell me what
happened with lynn.

Oh, ok, well,
to make a long story short,

I tried out a fancy move
and got a concussion.

The same thing happened
to my last date.

Mmm-hmm, of course,
I sent him to intensive care.

Oh, no, not that kind of move.
This was at a roller rink.

Well, this happened
behind one.

Dee! Luther!

Luther and dee!

Oh, luther, I see
you're still with dee.

I'm glad
you didn't "luther"!

[All laughing]

Excuse me.

So you're
enjoying yourself?

Will you keep it down?
They know me around here.

Oh, wait--
dee, why aren't you
at the movies?

And where's robin?

We walked out.

Robin went home to
get her books.

She's comin' over
to study tonight.

But, whatever you do,
don't pay money
to see hives.

Well, I thought you liked
k*ller bees.

I do, but hives
is about a lady with a rash.

Now if you'll excuse me.

Jeez.
Oh, I'd better go
and talk to luther.

Luther, my man,
give me 5.

Who loves ya, baby?

Come on, raj, let the kids
have their moment.

Yeah, raj has to go now.
We'll go and finish
our football game.

Hey, maybe we could play
backgammon or basketball or
football sometime, all right?

Maybe on a weekend.
Hey, make sure you bring
your sister, all right.

The only way I can explain it,

Is that years ago,
he fell on his head
at a roller rink.

Well, he's a square, dee.

But he likes you.
And I like that.

You know, he reminds me
a lot of john boy.

I wish my family liked me.

Why doesn't your family
like you?

I don't know.

Probably 'cause
they don't like each other.

Can we not talk about this?

Yes, we could not.

Door is locked,
mama must not be home.

Hey, let me do that.

What are you doing?

S.w.a.t. Team training.
In case there's
a prowler inside.

Well, mama's not home.
So you got to go.

Why?

Mama doesn't allow me
to have visitors
when she's not here.

Oh, I can dig it.

They got the same rules
like that on
little house on the prairie.

Hey, can we talk on the porch
like they do on the waltons?

Why don't you ship out
like they do on the love boat?

Well, uh, how about
one for the road?

Back off, rabbit ears.

No, I just meant
somethin' to eat.

All right, stay here,
I'll go get a twinkie.

[Whistling]

Luther?

Luther.

Luther, I'm eating
your twinkie.

If you're trying to
play the invisible man,

That show was cancelled.

But, dee, you must have
done somethin'
to make luther run off.

Maybe a slight whiplash.

Whiplash? Terrible.

Raj, what's wrong
with you?

He's upset
because he thinks

I spoiled his chances
to go out
with luther's sister.

Raj, is that true?

Yes, mama.

You know,
I'm surprised at you.

I don't know what
to say to you.

Let me give you a hand, mama.

Start with:

"That's it, raj,
go to your room."

Great idea, dee.
Go to your room.

Why me?

Why you?
Because robin came over here

To do homework with you.
Now go do it.

All right.
Let's go, robin.

Ok.

Now, as for you,
young man...

What!
Luther!

Hey, mama!
What's happening, robin?

What are you doing here?
I thought you went home.

Home, no way, jose.
I've been here.

Well, you've gotta get out
of my room.

The only man
I allow in here is raj,

And he has to pay admission.

So if you don't leave,

I'm gonna turn you over
to the authorities.

You mean the police?

Worse. My mama.

Hey, dee, don't bust me.

Just be cool.
Be cool, I'm cool.

Then go home, eskimo!

I can't.

Well, you can't stay here.

I bet your parents are
worried about you, luther.

My parents?
Worried about me?

Hah! That's a laugh.

Dee, you don't know
about these things.

You've got a terrific house.

You've got a terrific mother.

You've even got
a terrific brother.

Don't get carried away.

Anyway, I've got a sister
who's never home,

And parents who hate me.

It can't be that bad.

You've never been around
alcoholics before, have you?

Alcoholics?

That's right.
My folks drink all the time.

They can't help it.

And they're always
hitting me, too.

I guess things are
pretty rough for you.

Well, you haven't heard
anything yet.

You know, one time my parents
made me spend
the whole weekend

Under the kitchen sink.

Really?

Raj, are we gonna play?

Huh?

Are we gonna play?

Oh, yeah.
I was just thinking
about melanie.

How could dee have
done this to me?

Raj, you're taking this
pretty hard.

You dont even really
know melanie.

I was on my way.

You heard how she liked
the back of my head.

From there, it's just
a short hop
to the front of my face.

[Exhaling]

Hi.

Melanie.

I guess you know
why I'm here.

Oh, sure. Come in.

Can I get you something
to eat?
No, thank you.

Something to drink?
No, thank you, roger.

[Exhales]

I'm sure-- so glad
you came by.

Me, too.
Yeah.

You remember my friends,
"leaving" and "going."

Oh, oh,
I get you, raj.

Go get 'em, tiger.
Let's go, dwayne.

You know, we have to go
on our paper route.

Oh, oh, yeah, right.
So many people like paper.

It's so much lighter
than aluminum.

[Laughing]

Raj, you do know why I'm here,
don't you?

Oh, I hope so.

Hi, raj.
Where's mom?

[Sighing]
she, uh, went to the store.

Now, look, go upstairs
do your homework.

Now, where were we, melanie?

The question is,
where's luther?

He hasn't come home yet.

He hasn't?

You heard her.

Well, the sweet child
left here hours ago.

After he had a wonderful time

And thought
quite highly of me.

Raj.

Dee, would you just go away.
We're-- this is important now.

I don't understand
why he wouldn't, uh--

Dee!

This is my house,
and this is my chair--

Ok, ok, all right.

Just sit there,
but be quiet.

Hi, dee. I'm melanie.

Nice to meet you.

Look melanie, don't worry
about luther.

I can't help it.
I'm so nervous.

My parents are away
this weekend and I'm
in charge of luther.

Raj!

Dee, this is important.

Just leave it
to me, melanie.

Uh, look, we'll form
a search party.

Dee, you comb
the neighborhood.

And in case he comes back,
melanie and I will stay here
on the couch.

Roger, this is serious.
What if he ran away?

Would you blame him?

Your parents are
off on a weekend binge,

And when they come back,
they're going to hit him.

Dee!

Hit him?

Weekend binge?

What did luther
tell you?

[Sighs]

This weekend, my parents
are in santa barbara

On a baptist retreat.

Now, nobody would
make that up.

Oh, dee. He's been telling you
his television stories again.

You can't believe him.

Television stories?

Does this sound like
a television story?

Last summer, luther's parents
got so mad at him

That they locked him
under the kitchen sink
for 3 days without food.

But he survived on water
from the pipes

And on old soda crackers.

That's right.
How'd you know that?

I saw it last night
on the movie of the week.

It was uh, one of those
disaster films.

drainpipe '79.

A t.v. Movie?
Mmm-hmm.

I should have known.

I'm sorry, melanie.
I believed the rotten kid.

He's upstairs now in my room
with uh, robin.

Upstairs in your room!

Look, melanie,
it's time to teach
luther a lesson.

Right.

This requires
the expert touch.

You're right, raj.
Stay here.

I've got great news,
I called your parents.

His parents?

You didn't call my parents.

I did.

Your sister told me
they were in santa barbara

And gave me the number.

Oh, no.

And you were right.
They're awful.

I told them I knew
all about them drinking
and hitting you.

You told 'em about that?

Mmm-hmm.
I said, "listen up, lushes."

You didn't.

I did.

I said, "lushes,
you should be ashamed
of yourselves."

And I told them you weren't
coming back until
they cleaned up their act.

And what did they say?

They were thrilled.

They said they can rent
your room and pay
for their booze.

I don't believe it!

It's true.

And you can take that
to the bank.

Hey, well, I'm gonna
have to stay here.

I don't have any choice.

Let me give you
a couple of choices.

You can either go home
and deal with your parents

Or check into a holiday inn.

Hey, I don't have any money.

Then you should have
no problem
making up your mind.

Why can't I stay here?

Because this is my room
and I don't want you here.

You've got 5 seconds
to get out.

Oh, man.
What am I going to do?

Use your head.
What would baretta do?

He talked to his bird.
But I don't have one.

There's a statue in the park.

You can go there
and talk to a whole flock.

Well, dee, you can't
throw me out.

4 Seconds and counting.

I think she's
throwing you out.

[Luther]
oh, no.

This is as bad as my house.
I hope I never
see you guys again.

Just in case we don't:

♪ I'm so glad we had
this time together. ♪

All right!

Don't worry.
Dee's really good
at these things.

Hi, luther.

Melanie.

Keep comin'.

Hey, I'm just a kid.
Help me, big fella.

Sorry, little pal,
you're on your own.

Yeah, you're right.

This takes guts
and I'll handle it.

I'll just go right back
up to my room--

Luther, your room is
across town.

Hey, I don't want
to go home.

Why not?
What's the big problem?

The real big problem.

All right. I'll tell you.
And this is serious, too.

It's her.

You know what she does?
She hogs the whole t.v.

She won't even let me watch
my favorite t.v. Shows.

We only have one set.

We can't all watch
what he wants to watch

And he can't watch until
his homework is done.

Now can you believe that?

Have you ever heard anything
so cruel?

Luther, go home
and do what you're told.

And shape up,
and that's the way it is.

Thanks, dee.
You're welcome.

Good night, robin.
Good night.

Good night, roger.

Oh, uh, melanie,

Can I see you again?

Give me a call.

I will.

[Whooping]

She said, "give me a call."

Well, I guess everything
worked out, after all.

Yeah.

You must really be
grateful to me.

I am, dee.
I really am.

I thank you
from the bottom of my heart.

You're welcome.

Now how about some things
from the bottom
of your pocket.

Come on, raj.
Call melanie, she said
for you to call her.

No. I don't want to
seem too anxious.

It's only been
48 minutes.

Man, that's almost an hour.

An hour?
Yeah.

An hour!

Hello, melanie?

Raj here.

You know, tall, handsome,
good looking, raj--

[Laughing]

Melanie, you can stop
laughing now.

Yeah, uh--

Ask her for a date, raj.

I will, rerun. Would you--

Melanie, excuse me.

[Whispering]
why don't you guys sit down.

Uh, melanie,

I, uh, since your parents
are away...

[Sighs]

What would you think
if I came over tonight?

You know, sort off
put your mind at ease
in that big house.

And a strong male influence
on luther.

7:00!

Oh, sure. You bet.

Of course, I'll be there.
It was my idea.

Huh? You got my word.
My honest word.

Why wouldn't I give you
my word?

Because you're going out.

And you want me
to sit with luther.

You're kidding?

You're serious?

All right, look, uh,
give me the instructions
to your house.

But, talk quickly
because we've had
a lot of trouble

With the phone lately.

I mean, sometimes
for no reason at all--

Cards, gentlemen?

Hey!