03x04 - The Creep Detective

[bunniefuu]

Rerun.

Rerun!

Yeah, raj.

What is this turkey
doin' in that chair?

Last time I looked,
it was watching
charlie's angels.

[Snickering]

That's not funny. Rerun.

Sorry, raj.
It's supposed to be
in the refrigerator.

Mrs. Hudson asked me
to keep it for her

Because her
refrigerator's broken.

Playin' the good
neighbor again, huh, rerun?

Hey, raj,
I wouldn't have left it
in the chair,

But I had to run upstairs

And feed mr. Sandler's
tropical fish.

Tropical fish?

Yeah. Mrs. Sandler says
I have to feed them
before 3:00,

Or they'll just
help themselves.

Help themselves
to what?

Each other.

That's sad the way
fish eat each other.

Especially when
there's only 2 of 'em,

And them the one
who ate the other
has no one to play with.

Poor little guy.

If you're done
feeling sorry
for the fish,

I have a test tomorrow,
so can I have
some peace and quiet?

Sure.

Thank you.

[Exclaims]

What is this box
doing here?

Oh, this belongs
to mr. And mrs. Lawrence
in 4-a.

They asked me
if they could keep
their silverware here

While they were
on vacation.

Yeah, that's my roommate.

Mr. Nice guy.

[Rerun]
right on.

Well, I'm gonna get some rest,
I'm beat.

Get a few minutes rest
before I start studying.

Oh, yeah, go ahead,
go ahead.

I think
you should've told him, rerun.

I will, dwayne.

[Dog barking]

[Raj]
rerun!

Raj, there's a dog
in your bed.

I know that. Why?

'Cause rerun's bed
was too messy for him.

Dwayne, as my friend,
would you do me a favor?

Oh, sure, raj.

All right, go over
to the door and open it.

All right.

All right,
step outside, close it.

[Dwayne]
now what?

Go home.

But, raj, I invited dwayne
to dinner tonight.

Hey, he'll be back.

Now, rerun, we have got
to have a little talk.

Later, raj.
I promised mr. Winters
I'd walk his dog.

Hey, the dog can wait.

I hope so.

Rerun, this good
neighbor policy of yours
has got to stop.

I don't wanna
share my apartment
with turkeys and dogs

And, and some--
someone's junk in my closet.

Ok, raj,
I'll be more careful.

Thank you.

[Knocking on door]

I'll get it.

Hi. My name
is earl barnett, jr.

My family just moved
into the apartment upstairs.

Well, nice to meet you, earl.
What can I do for you?

Rerun.

Raj.

We need to borrow
a vacuum cleaner.

My dad sent me
because he says

Grownups will lend
anything to a cute
9-year-old kid.

Rerun, get rid of him.

One second, earl.

Raj.

What?

Why can't he
borrow the vacuum?

Because the vacuum
is only the beginning.

What do you mean?

Rerun, what raj
is trying to say is,

Once you let us
use the vacuum,

The next thing,
we're gonna borrow
everything in your house.

Except your turkey.

Look, uh...

Why didn't you get a puppy
like everyone else?

Good turkey.

Good bird.

All right.

But look, uh,
I'm gonna lend you the vacuum,

But I want you
to bring it back the second
you're finished with it.

Yes, sir.

Oh, sorry, raj.

[Growls]

I'll help you
with the vacuum cleaner.

Rerun, is he
always so grouchy?

No, man, not always.

Probably a bad diet
and lack of exercise.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, fix him a health salad

And run him around the block
a few times.

So long.

See you later, man.

You know, raj, I think
I'm gonna like that kid.

[Dog barking]

Cool it!

Take that, take that,
take that,

Take that, take that,
take that, take that!

Take that!

Ooh, that chicken's lucky
he ain't alive,

'Cause the way rerun hits,
he'd drop in 5.

Hey, hold it.

Take that! Take that!
Take that! Take that!
Take that!

Take that! Take--

Don't take that!

What are you doing?

I'm just following
this recipe, raj.

It says
to bruise one chicken.

Give me that.

That's braise.

Not bruise.

Uh-oh. You should see
what he did
to the broccoli.

[Knocking on door]

How do you do?
Hi.

I'm earl barnett, sr.

My son, earl barnett, jr.
Borrowed your vacuum cleaner.

Oh, right, right.
How you doin'? Roger thomas.

Hi, nice to see you.
Nice meeting you.

This is my friend, dwayne.

Hello.
How you doin'?

And that's my roommate,
rerun.

[Rerun]
oh, hi.

Rerun. That's,
that's a nickname, right?

Right. But my real name--

Ah, do not need it,
do not need it.

Besides, a nickname tells you
so much more about a person,

It's better
than a real name.

For instance, "rerun"
tells me about you.

Yeah? What?

Nothin' much.

We'll have to work
on a better name
for you there, cherry top.

Do you have a nickname?

Sure do.
They call me big earl.

And my son
is little earl.

How about you, slim?

Raj.

Perfect, perfect.

How about you, junior?
Got a nickname?

Uh-uh.
I love it.

Hey, thanks for the use
of the vacuum.

Oh, you're welcome.
I'll take this with me.

I think you better
have it checked out.

You might have
a bad switch there.

That's a shame,
they don't make anything
the way they used to,

You know.

Ok, well, I'm just gonna...
Thank you very much.

I'll just take it--
no. No, no, no.

When I borrow something
from a neighbor,

I like to put it back
right where I found it.

Ok.
Where's it go,
head lamps?

Look, I don't...

If you don't mind,
I'll just take care of this.

Now I don't mean to be rude,
but I got a lot of studying
to do.

I understand.
And thank you.
Ok.

See you later there,
short stack.

Take it easy, uh-uh.

Hey, just drop by anytime,
neighbor, ok?

Rerun.

What's this?

This is very interesting.

Cameras, tape recorders.

You, uh, fellas
doing your christmas shoppin'
early this year?

Hey, raj,
that's a great idea, man.

I said I'm gonna
do my christmas shoppin'
early, too.

Dwayne.

'Cause if you wait
till the last moment,

All the stores are crowded,
people pushin'
and shovin' you.

But I do love
the christmas carols.

♪ We wish you
a merry christmas ♪

♪ We wish you
a merry christmas ♪

♪ We wish you
a merry christmas ♪

♪ And a happy--

[Gagging]

[Dwayne]
some christmas spirit.

I thought you said
there was silverware
in that box?

That's what
mr. And mrs. Lawrence told me.

Mr. And mrs. Lawrence?

The sticker on the back here
says tony's camera supply.

No. No, no,
no, no, no.

That stuff belongs
to our neighbors.

Oh, right, and they're away
and you're just watchin' it
for 'em.

Right. Do you
know the lawrences?

No, I know the story.

Wait, wait.
You're not accusing us--

Accusing? I'm not
accusing anyone.

Just relax, capone.

Look, listen, barnett--

If I could use your phone,
maybe I could
clear this up, huh?

Mr. Barnett,
with all due respect,

This really isn't
any of your business.

The phone is right over here,
detective barnett.

Thank you,
speed reader.

Raj?

Raj.

Raj!

Detective?

We got a cop livin'
in the building.

There goes
the neighborhood.

Oh, blondie? Big earl.

Uh, listen, let me talk
to tiny up
in r and i, will ya?

Tiny? Big.

Uh, tony's camera supply,
you got anything
on a recent burglary?

[Rerun]
burglary?

[Dwayne]
burglary?
Burglary?

Burglary?

Isn't that funny?

He thinks that stuff
is stolen
and you and I did it.

Oh, yeah.

[All laughing]

Funniest thing
I've heard in my life.

Yeah.

Tony's camera supply
was knocked over,

And they ripped off cameras
and tape recorders.
I'm goin' home now.

Hold it. I think
we all better get down
to the station.

The station? Wait a minute.

Now not only are we innocent,
but I do know my rights.

How about
no search warrant?

How about stolen property
all in this box?

How about
all this evidence here?

Detective barnett,
we are innocent

And we're not
going anywhere.

That is right.
Yeah, all right?

Nothing is gonna make us
go through that door.

Nothing!
Yeah. All right?

Our shoes are nailed
to the floor.

[Both]
they're nailed, nailed!

Fellas,
I have a service revolver.

I have handcuffs,
and I have the phone number
of the s.w.a.t. Team.

So we'll go barefoot.
Hey, why...

Here.

[Phone ringing]

[Earl sr.]
Right over there, fellas.

Hey, look, det. Barnett,
you're making a mistake.

Dwayne and I are students
and rerun is a page at a.b.c.

Right.

I was a big brother.
I have a paper route.

I was a cub scout.

And I was a boy scout.

I got straight "a's"
in high school and was offered
a scholarship to college.

And I never touch a girl
on the first date.

Park it right over there,
will you,
larry, moe, and curly?

Hey, shopping bag mary,
back again, huh?

Hi, detective barnett.

What is it this time?
You and charley
have another fight,

Or did they catch you
walkin' your dog
without a leash?

I don't have no dog.

I know, they got you
for stealing your
neighbor's newspapers.

No, no.

Look, mary, mary,
we've got better things
to do around here.

Why don't you go home

And try
and behave yourself.

You're a nice lady.
Yeah, I told the cop
that I was gonna--

What about the captain?
I'll tell him that you
and I go back a long way.

Go on, take a hike.
You're a good guy.

Yeah, ok, mary,
go on.
I like you.

Guys, good luck.
[Rerun]
goodbye.

Hey, tex,
what did you get her for?

Pickpocketing.

Mary!

Mary!

Thank you.

Don't worry, guys.
We're innocent.

As soon as mr. Barnett
reaches our landlady,

He'll know
we're tellin' the truth.

[Panting]

Oh, guys, I got here
just as soon as I could.

Well, what did
they get you for?

'Cause I know you're innocent,
but why did you do it?

Oh, shirley,
it's good to see you.

Uh, did you tell mama?

Oh, no way,

'Cause it looks like you're
in enough trouble already.

Hey, but don't worry,
shirley's here,

And you know I'm gonna
take care of you guys.

So what did they
get you for?

Burglary, breaking
and entering,

And receiving stolen property.
You with them?

No, I never seen these guys
before in my life.

Look, I did some checking,
your stories jive.
You're clean.

You are a page at a.b.c.,
And you 2 guys are students.

Although baby face here
is flunking history.
Homework, homework, homework.

Hey, that's it. Let's go.
No hard feelings.

We're free
as a bird.

[Earl sr.]
Hold it, feathers.

I also talked
to your landlady.

She never heard of anybody
named lawrence.

What?

4-A, the apartment
you said they lived, hasn't
been rented in 6 months.

That's impossible.

You guys
got big trouble.

Earl, I wanna talk to you.
Come on over here.

Come--come here.
Right here. Come on.

You talkin' to me?

I'm not talkin'
to the water cooler.

Now, look, buddy,
see now, those guys
are my friends

And I don't like the way
you've been treating 'em.

Do you know
who I am?

"Do you know who I am?"

"Do you know who I am?"
Did you hear him?
"Do you know who I am?"

No, that's not the question.

The question is
do you know who I am?

[All cheering]

Now, now I'm gonna
give it to you straight.

Now I didn't want to,
you know,
pull any rank on you,

But this little silly thing
has gone far enough.

Now you either
let my friends go,

Or I'm gonna speak
about this to one of
my personal friends,

Mayor tom bradley.

[Dwayne whooping]

You know mayor bradley?

Oh, sure. I mean,
he came by rob's place,

And I fixed him a couple
of cups of coffee

And we just sit
and had a nice long chat.

Mmm-hmm,
we just like that.

Call mayor bradley.

Mayor bradley!

Hey, there he is now.

Hey, wait up,
mayor tom bradley.

Shirley.

[Knocking on door]

[Dee]
hello, raj? Rerun?

[Continues knocking]

Hello?

Anybody home?

[Knocking on door]

I'm comin'.

Nobody's home,
what do you want?

I want to know
why you open the door
to just anyone.

Is this gonna be a lecture
from a m*dget?

First of all,
I'm not a m*dget

And second of all,
you're old enough to know

That you shouldn't
open the door to strangers.

You know,
I used to be obnoxious
like you.

I know. I can tell.

I'm earl barnett, jr.

My family just moved
into the apartment upstairs.

You aren't married
to that cranky one

With the glasses,
are you?

No, I'm his sister, dee.

You wanna come in?

I am in.

Supposing I was
a crazy maniac k*ller
on the loose?

I'd step on you
and call a cop.

That's not hard
to do.

My father is a cop.

You've got fuzz
for a father?

Yeah.

Do you-- did you know
that my dad

Took your brother
and his friends in
for suspicion of burglary?

Suspicion of burglary?

What are you talkin' about?
You got the wrong people.

Is your brother
named raj?

And his friend rerun
and uh-uh?

Yeah. But my brother
never broke a law in his life.

Yeah, I figured this
for a frame-up.

See, some people
named lawrence

Left some silverware here,

But it turned out
to be stolen cameras
and tape recorders.

This is probably
one of 'em.

No, this is my brother's.
He uses it to study.

He's had it for years.

Not this one.

It's brand new.
It still has the price tag
on it. Look.

Earl, you're right.

Sounds like my brother's
in trouble.

We gotta do somethin'.

You know,
you're a spunky little chick.

I like you.

Thanks.

And I might add
for an older woman,
you're very cute.

I mean,
you're no beauty,

But for now...

Cute.
Yeah.

Listen, kid.

I love the way
you call me kid.

Just like humphrey bogart
talked to ingrid bergman
in casablanca.

What are you
talkin' about?

Oh, that was
in the olden days.

My dad says
they were the best.

Kid--
yeah, baby?

Earl, stop it.
My brother is in trouble.

[Knocking on door]

Ask who it is first.

Who is it?

[Mrs. Lawrence]
mr. And mrs. Lawrence.

We've come
for our silverware.

Just a minute.

It's them, it's them.
What are we gonna do?

Calm down.
Just calm down.

Wait. I have an idea.

[Inaudible]

Perfect.

Perfect.

Ok.

Oh, hello.

My, what darling,
darling children.

And who are you?

I'm roger's
darling sister, dee

And this is my
darling friend, earl.

We'll get our silverware
and we'll be on our way.

It's not here.

Where is it?

Rerun had me put it
in a safe place,

So I'll go get it
and I'll be right back.

Amuse the kid.

So, mr. And mrs. Lawrence,

How do you like living
in the building?

Oh, uh, we love it.

[Chuckles]

That's nice.

That silverware
must be very expensive

For you to be
so worried about it.

Well, it was a wedding gift.

Oh.

Excuse me, I have
to go to the bathroom.

I don't like it, helen.

There's something fishy
going on here.

Relax, raymond.

We've got something
good going,
so let's not lose our heads.

As soon as that kid gets back,
we'll just grab the stuff
and fence it.

You're right.

I know where we could
get a good price
for those cameras.

[Knocking on door]

That must be the kid now.

We already gave.

Mr. Lawrence, mr. Lawrence,
I'm detective earl barnett.

Uh, nice to meet you, officer.

Uh, we were just leaving.

Our daughter
is getting married
in brazil.

Sit down, jose.

We wanna have
a little talk about
some stolen merchandise.

Look, officer,
there must be
some mistake here.

I mean, the only reason
we're here is because

We found these
2 lost children wandering
around the streets

And we brought them
back home.

Dee, how could you
get lost?

You've lived
in this neighborhood
all your life.

Dwayne.

Well, we'll just
be running along now.

No, no,
wait a minute.

You're the ones
who asked me to keep
stolen property.

Look, officer,

You have no evidence.

There's nothing
to hold us on.

It's our word
against theirs.

I'm sorry, kids,
I have to let 'em go.
I can't hold 'em.

Now, if you'll
just excuse us.

Wait, papa.

Dee and I hid this tape
recorder under the pillow.

[Earl sr.]
Hold it.

I recorded them saying,

They had a good thing going
and they're gonna
fence the stuff

And get a good price
for those cameras.

You see?
It's all your fault,
big mouth.

Oh, yeah?

You're the one
who wanted to pull
one last job.

Oh, yeah? It was your idea
to leave the stuff here
with them

Ok, ok, ok. Let's go.
Good job, little earl.

See you later,
fun face, cherry top.

Nice work there, uh...

Dee, sherlock.

[Earl sr.]
You got it.

Hey, you two,
that was all right.

I mean, you got 'em
to admit everything
into the tape recorder.

I mean, you two
are pretty smart.

It wasn't' me,
it was my lady.

She's smarter
than you think.

What?

There was no tape
in the tape recorder.

Isn't she somethin'?

Well, raj,

Isn't there something
you have to say
to little earl?

Yeah.

Little earl, I must admit

You're a good little neighbor.

Thank you, pal.

And thank you, sis.

Please, roger, dee and I
don't need thanks.

A man and his dame do
what they've got to do.

And that's thanks enough
for me.

For me a dollar
should cover it.

Now that you mention it,
I could use some hard cash.

All right.

Wow, I'm havin' nightmares
about big earl bustin' us
last night.

Is that why you kept
rolling over
and frisking yourself?

Now you better learn
your lesson, rerun.

No more fish feeding,
no more dog walking,

And most of all,
nobody leaves anything
in this apartment.

[Knocking on door]

[Sighing]

No problem, raj.

No more mr. Nice guy.

How is it going?
How're you doin',
roundhouse?

Uh, say, fellows,
I have to go across town
on police business.

Could you mugs
watch little earl for me?

Gee, I wish we could.

Sure thing, det. Barnett.

Well, thank you,
poker face.

We'll be back in a little bit.
Now you behave yourself, earl.

Bye, dad.
[Earl sr.]
Bye-bye.

Come here, come here,
come here, come here,
come here, come here.

What can I get you, earl?

How about one root beer,
and put a head on it.

Right on.

Hey, uh, little earl,

Since I have a little time
for my studying,

How about a game
of backgammon?

Sure, but first,
how about your sister's
phone number?

That chick drives me wild.

Tell, me what is she like?

Big cars?

Earl.

Jewelry?
Earl.

Pearls.

Earl.

M&ms.

Earl, let's play backgammon.

There you go, earl.

Thank you,
magic mountain.