03x09 - No Clothes Make the Man

[bunniefuu]

Hey, hey.

Hey, what's happenin'?

Ha, how do I look?

Hey, why don't you
turn around.

You know,
I never noticed that,

But you look the same
from both sides.

This happens to be
my new uniform from a.b.c.

A.b.c.?

Always bad clothes.

Now that you are a page,
can you get us any tickets

For any t.v. Shows?

[Chuckles]

I just happen
to have a couple.

Hey, all right,
rerun.

Tickets to family feud.

Hi.

Hey, raj.

Rerun got us tickets
to family feud tonight.

Oh, great.

Raj, how come
you're not at work?

[Sighs]
lost my job.

The market stopped
home deliveries.

Well, I thought you were
gonna get that job
with the mornin' paper?

Oh, that's a long shot.

And all I got is an interview.

And that's not
until next week.

You a reporter. That's
gonna be great, raj.

Yeah, but, dwayne,
I might not get it.

I mean, uh,

Besides it wouldn't even
start for another week.

And I need the money now.
Look at this.

Look at all my bills.

A bill for electricity,

Gas, telephone.

Calm down. Calm down.

You need money?

Don't panic,
I am your sister.

What do you need?
$10, $20, It's yours.

You mean it?

Certainly.

Let's see.

$20 At 7% interest

Compounded daily
over a period of 6 months

Equals

$3.30 per month.

Dee.

And in the event
that you don't pay up,

We'll have to reposses
your glasses.

Hey, raj, why don't you
look at the want ads?

You know,
there's always a lot of
good jobs in here.

Hey, great idea,
shirley.

Great idea.

Let's see here.

Ah, this
might be something.

Yeah, "lost kitty.
$50 Reward."

No, dwayne,
not that one. This one.

"Wanted young man
to earn big money

"In spare time.

Unified meat company."

I'm gonna check 'em out
right now.

Unified meat--
hey, raj, raj, raj.

Relax, raj.

You've plenty of time
for that.

Don't you want to see
the family feud?

Rerun,
in case you've forgotten,

We share an apartment,

And unless we pay the bills,
they'll turn off our lights.

So, we'll use candles.

Then they'll turn off
our hot water.

A cold shower
can be very refreshing.

Then they'll shut off
our refrigerator,

And all our food
will go bad.

Get a job, raj.

[man on t.v.]
...close to the governor
believes...

[Lowers volume]

Sandwich,
you are about to enter

The tunnel of love.

This morning

I was just another
unemployed student.

And now, I am
a junior executive.

You got a job.

Better than that,

I have a whole new
career in meat.

Huh?

Yeah.

This is gonna make me
a very, very rich man.

Take a look at it. Come here.

This is gonna make you rich?

Hey!

Come, look, look at this.

These sections represent

Steaks, ribs,
and hamburgers.

My customers save money
by buying a whole cow.

Raj, who wants a whole cow

Roamin' around
in their apartment?

I'm not selling
live cows.

I'm selling frozen cows.

Well, who wants a frozen cow

Roamin' around
in their apartment?

Dwayne,
you are now looking

At the new west coast
representative

Of the unified
meat company.

And they gave me
a whole sales kit

Full of materials.

Oh, wow, check it out,
rerun!

A plastic rump roast!

Will you give me that?

Now, come on, I'll show you
the whole sales technique.

All right, turn on
the old sales pitch.

All right,
I'll be the salesman,

And you and rerun be
mr. And mrs. Happy homemaker.

Ok.

I'll be mr. Smith,
and you can be mrs. Smith.

Wait. Why should
I be mrs. Smith?

I wanna be mr. Smith,
and you can be mrs. Smith.

It doesn't matter
who's mrs. Smith.

Maybe it doesn't
matter to you,

But it matters to me.

Dwayne,
it's only a demonstration.

All right, raj,
I'll do it for you.

Wait, raj,
shouldn't I have pearls?

Look, man, I'll go outside,
I'll knock on the door,

And I'll show you
the whole
selling approach, ok?

[Knocking on door]

Get the door, baby.

[Knocking continues]

I said get the door, baby.

But why should I get it?
I always get it.

Because you're mrs. Smith.

And I've just come home
from a hard day's work.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I've been
on my feet all day,
cookin' and cleanin',

While you were out drinkin'
with the fellas!

I would answer it,

But it's probably
your naggin' mama again.

Don't you "naggin' mama" me!

Well, it's your
naggin' mama!

And you're
a naggin' son-in-law!

And you're
a naggin' wife!

What is goin' on
in here?

I want a divorce!

Raj, go on
with your demonstration.

Ah, good afternoon.
What a lovely apartment.

But it's to be expected
from such a lovely couple.
Any children? No?

Well, can I have a seat?
Thank you.

Boy, you look like you'd be
interested in some meat.

Now, here, we have...

I'm from
the unified meat company.

And have I got
a deal for you.

Raj. Man, isn't that
your cow on the tube?

Oh, yeah.

And there's my boss,
mr. Clayton,
for unified meats.

It must be a commercial.

I wonder why
he's wearin' handcuffs.

[man on t.v.]
clayton was indicted today

on 4 counts of fraud

in connection with
the meat packing scandal.

mr. Clayton denies
the vicious rumor,

and all allegations

that his meat
was really plastic.

What? Are you kidding me?

film at 11.

You're not kidding me.

Oh.

Well, now how am I gonna
pay my bills?

Don't worry, raj.

Maybe you could check around
the school for a job.

Next time you be
more careful.

Next time,
I'll look before I leap.

And next time,
you get to play the housewife.

Mrs. Miller?

Oh, hello.

Hi, I read your ad
on the bulletin board

About male student wanted.
See art department.

Roger thomas, male student.

Good.

We need help in
our figure drawing class.

I knew you would.

Figure drawing is my life.

I still have my crayolas.

[Laughs]

Uh, yes, uh,
how tall are you?

Oh, I guess 5'9".

But the height
isn't everything.

Look at toulouse-lautrec.

No, don't look at
toulouse-lautrec.

The poor man is dead.

He probably looks awful.

[Guffawing]

Just a little
toulouse-lautrec joke.

Oh, I love the impressionists.

Van gogh, isn't it?

Yes.

Oh, boy,
what a painter.

You know, he had
a great effect on me.

When I read about him
cutting off his ear,

I threw away
my mouseketeer hat.

Uh, roger,
do you have any idea

What kind of job this is?

Does it pay money?
Yes.

Then it doesn't matter
what kind of job it is.

Roger,
have you ever modeled?

Modeled?

Uh, yes. Like posing?

Oh, sure.
What you mean, uh...

That's fine.

You've got the job.

Be back here at 4:00.

Oh, thank you,
mrs. Miller.

You won't regret it.
You won't regr-- oh.

What do I wear?

Oh, it really doesn't matter
what you wear over here

Because you'll be
posing in the nude.

In the...

In the nude? You mean,
like, with nothing on?

Nothing.

You-- you're talkin',
like, newborn baby nude?

Yes.

Uh, does that
bother you?

Oh, no. No.

Nude.

I mean, naked and nude
are the same thing, right?

Of course,
they're the same thing.

You mean, nude, like,
this kind of nude, right?

Naked and nude.

All those eyes
and people watching.

No. No. No, I can't do it.

I have my pride, mrs. Miller,

And I don't want
everybody to see it.

[Sighs]
I consider myself
a responsible person.

And posing naked

In front of a room
full of women and men

Is not my idea of what
a responsible person does.

This body
is not for sale.

It pays $35 an hour.

However, I will
rent it out by the hour.

How much
does it pay?

$35 An hour.

What pays $35 an hour?

Raj's new job.

Well, what does he do,
inspect hand grenades?

He says
it's only until

He gets the job
at the newspaper.

Oh.

You know,
the only guy I ever knew

That made that kind of money
ran a television store.

Where was it?

In the trunk of his car.

Hey, dwayne,

What do you say we find out
what raj is doing?

That's prying,
rerun.

That's right.

Hey, if raj didn't tell you
what he was doin',

He probably had
a very good reason.

You know,
the job could be dangerous.

For all that money,

It has to be exciting,
glamorous,

And to me,
a very risky job.

Hmm. For all we know,

See, raj's life could be
in danger at this very minute.

So what're you two fools
sittin' there for?

Get on out there
and start pryin'!

All right, you can
come in now, roger.

Roger.

All right!

Good evening.

Hello, young lady.
How're you doing?

All right,
take it easy,

No applause.
No applause.

[Clears throat]

Ok, uh, class,

You can start now.

And we call this painting,
student in bathrobe.

Roger, that's
not good enough.

Oh, ok.
Student in blue bathrobe.

Roger, we're not paying you
$35 an hour for terrycloth.

Ahem. I understand.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Someone called
from the newspaper.

Uh, it's about
an interview.

It's been changed
to 5:00 today.

5:00 Today?

Don't worry. The class
lets out at 4:45.

And if you hurry,
you can make it.

Now, let's not waste
anymore time.

Please
remove your robe.

Ok. Sorry, class,
for the delay.

♪[Humming]

Roger, we are not
interested in your feet.

Well, I thought maybe you
wanna start at the bottom

And work your way up!

The robe, please.

[Girl]
come on, come on.

Roger.

[Students whooping]

All right, class,
you've had your fun.

You've had your fun.

The bathing suit
must go.

Here it is, the art room.

[Students hooting]

Sounds like the rose bowl.

I wonder what
they're doin' in there.

[Mrs. Miller]
all right. All right.

[Students cheering]

[Student whistling]

That's why raj was acting
so mysterious.

He's skinny dippin'
without a pool.

I never knew
he had a mole there.

Hey, this must be
tough on raj.

You know how shy he is.

Yeah, he's the only guy
I know

Who wears a wet suit
in the shower.

Poor raj.
He looks ridiculous.

Wouldn't it be a trip

If someone stole
raj's clothes?

Uh-huh.

Wouldn't it be
the perfect practical joke?

Uh-huh.

It would be
an absolute scream,
wouldn't it?

Uh-huh.

So get his clothes,
dwayne.

Uh-uh.

Well, if you're
not gonna do it,

I'm gonna do it.

Good idea.

Where do you think
his clothes are?

I'll try in here.

All right,
I'm gonna look over here.

I got 'em, dwayne.
I got 'em.

But, rerun,
if we take his clothes,

How is raj
gonna get home?

Don't worry. He'll take
the scenic route.

What's that?

Through the bushes.

[Both laughing]

Bye, now.

Hi.

Hi.

You were great.

Oh, thank you.

May I have
your autograph?

Sure.

And your phone number.

My phone number?
Why?

I'd like to see
more of you.

Hey, if you see
any more of me,

You'll have to get x-rays.

[Laughing]

We'll work something out.

That's fine with me.

Oh, but I got
a very important interview.

But I can accompany you
as far as, uh, my pants.

Mrs. Miller,
someone stole my clothes!

That's--that's
impossible.

No, it's true.
Somebody stole my clothes.

Oh, wait a minute.

Mrs. Miller,
what's going on here?

Are we on one
of those t.v. Shows

With the--
with the hidden cameras?

No, wait, wait, roger, please,
you--you mustn't panic.

Now, you must stay calm.

No, no, no! You remain calm.
You got your clothes on.

Please. Please.

And I got that interview
in 10 minutes.

Listen, you must keep
control of yourself.

Ok, I'll stay here
and control myself,

And you go to the newspaper
and get interviewed.

Now, you just stop shouting
because someone will hear you.

Mrs. Miller,
how long do you think

I can keep this a secret?

As soon as the editor says,
"roger thomas,"

And a naked person shows up,

He's gonna know.

What am I gonna do?

I'll think of something.

Well, would you hurry up?
Uh, I'm in a draft here.

Breeze coming through
something.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Well, I had an appointment
with mr. Evans

With my pants on.

Yes?

Well, I couldn't
make that one,

But I'm here anyway.

Fine. I'll tell mr. Evans

That you and your legs
are here.

[Raj mimics water splashing]

Mr. Thomas.

Mr. Thomas!
Hm?

Go right in.

Mr. Evans
will see you now.

Oh. Thank you.

Uh-huh.

We've turned the heat up.

Thank you.

Hi. Roger thomas.

Well, no, I mean,
I am roger thomas.

You're mr. Evans.

Of course,
you know that anyway.

If you don't know it,
nobody else will.

It's funny.

I covered a circus one time
for 4 and a half years,

And the last pair of knees

I saw like that
were on a giraffe.

[Laughs]

Oh, roger, I have to tell you

That, uh, the job
has already been filled.

But it's been my policy

That I like to meet
each applicant personally

To say hello.

Now, thank you for coming in.

[Giggles]
it's been a real pleasure.

But--but mr. Evans,
I submitted my material.

Don't you want to
discuss my writing?

No, no, no. That won't--
that won't be necessary.

We could discuss
your shorts if you want.

No, I don't want!

Oh, well, then, there's
nothing else to talk about.

I mean,
the job's already filled.

I mean, just like that?

You do have
terrible legs, roger.

I can see you know nothing
about legs, mr. Evans.

Because I happen to have
a great pair of legs.

If you wanna
go through life

Thinking you've got nice legs,

Well, then, that's up to you.

But as far as
the job's concerned,

It's filled.

Hmm. I understand now.

You took one look
at my clothes

And you decided
in your mind to brush me off.

No, no.
I'm not brushing you off.

You know, there is a logical
explanation for all of this.

You just came in
on a plane from acapulco.

[Laughs]

No, no, no.

See, the head
of the meat company
got arrested,

So I started
modeling nude.

And then someone
stole my clothes

And then I ran here and...

That's why
you won't accept me,

Because of my clothes.

I swear to you, roger,

It has nothing to do
with your clothes.

No, it isn't my clothes.

The problem is
this phony world

Where people are judged
by appearances

Rather than what's inside.

Roger--

I mean, I thought,
maybe, just maybe,

A newspaperman like yourself

Would understand
truth and honesty

And a man's inalienable right

To be whatever
he wanted to be.

Roger--

I mean, freedom of the press.

That's a travesty, a sham.

Roger,
the problem is your writing.

My writing?

It lacks focus.

[Stammers]
now, you've got potential.

But you're just not
quite ready for us right now.

No, I don't--don't
accept that, mr. Evans.

It's my appearance
that you won't accept.

No, you're wrong, roger.

Now, if you had the talent,

I'd hire you
if you walked in here nude.

You wanna give it a shot?

Hey!

Well,
what's eating you?

Oh, shirley,
I'm so depressed.

I lost 3 jobs in 1 day.

I mean,
you know all about life.

What should I do?

Well, my personal advice

Is not to eat
the macaroni salad.

[Mumbling]

Oh, come on.

Uh-oh.

Hold it, you two.

Now, I know
you did it, so...

Uh, raj, we're sorry
about the dumb prank.

We know it was stupid
and we have no excuse.

That's good enough
for me.

Huh?

We--we wouldn't have
done it, raj,

If we'd known
about the interview.

Hey, look,
it's cool. I know.

It's all right.
It's over.

Don't worry, bro,
sooner or later,

Somethin' will turn up.

[All]
yeah.

Hi, dee.
Hi.

Hey, dee.
Hi.

Raj, what's the best news
I could bring right now?

That somebody's paying

$35 An hour
for a nude meat salesman.

Close.

I was at your place
when the newspaper called

And said there was
a job opening.

You're kidding?

Mr. Evans called and
said there was a job opened

For a cub reporter
to work part-time,

And he wants you
to start monday.

[Hoots]

All right!

Oh.

But how?

After that interview,
I was so rude to him.

No, no. I cannot believe that.
Mmm-mmm, no.

Yeah, shirley,
I acted like a fool.

Now, that I can believe.

He said he liked
the way you spoke up

For your rights.

That's great, raj!

You gotta job
as a reporter.

A cub reporter.

What's a cub?

Uh, a little bear.

That's the 2nd time today
you've been a little bare.

That is called payback.

This came to the house
for you.

What is it?

How should I know?

Opening a person's mail
is a federal offence.

There was this letter too.

Oh, it's from mrs. Miller,
the art teacher.

Yeah.

She says she thought
you were wonderful

And made a terrific model,

And she says she thought
you'd like
to have this picture.

Oh, man, look at this.

Isn't that thoughtful?
Let's see what it is.

Open it.

What is it?

I think it's mrs. Millers'
impression of me.

Very flattering.

Well, it is not supposed
to look like me.

It's supposed to
capture my inner soul.

Looks more like
the outer mess.

Hmm.

What?

Hmm.

What?

Hmm.

[All]
what?

I didn't know
you had a mole there.