03x14 - Dwayne's Dream

[bunniefuu]

[All chattering]

[All greeting]

What's happening,
raj? All right!

Move, this stuff
hot! Move!

[Mumbling]

Uh, uh,
what is this?

That is soupe du jour.

Well, give this soup
to george.

Bring me a hamburger,
shirley.

Yeah,
me, too.

Listen, you 2 gourmets
ordered the special,

And the special comes
with soup and salad.

Well, at least bring me
the ketchup.

Rerun, I know you're not gonna
put ketchup in your soup.

No, on my salad.

That's absolutely ridiculous.

Uh, I'll have
mustard.

Raj, help me here.
You--you wanna
order something, huh?

Yeah, a soda, straight.
Ok.

Oh, shirley?
Mmm?

Have you seen dwayne lately?

Yeah, he was
in here this morning,

Going through
all the want ads.

You know,
he even asked rob

If he needed some help
around here?

Raj, why is dwayne
so desperate
to find a job, anyway?

He needs the money.

You know how it is
your senior year.

It can be very expensive.

You're not kidding.

You take a girl out
for the evening,

And you can spend $3 easy.

That's why I've started my
"no frills date."

"No frills" date?

Sure.

That's no dinner, no movie,
just coffee, tea and me.

Sounds more like
a "no thrills" date to me.

Well, I just hope
dwayne finds a job.

Hey, hey.
Hey!

I got it, I got it!

Hey, well,
don't bring it here.

Look, we got enough problems
with the health department.

No, shirley.
I mean, I got a job.

[All cheering]

That's great, dwayne.
Tell us all about it.

I'll do better than that.
I'll show you.

Ok.
Yeah.

I wonder what he's got
in that big box.

[Raj]
I'm curious.

Hey, dee.
Hey, dee.

Hey, dee. You're just in time
enough to find out
about dwayne's new job.

Where is he?

Oh, he's in the men's room.

You mean he's a plumber?

We don't know
what he is,

But whatever it is
we wanna encourage him, right?

Right on.

[Raj]
all right, here he comes.

Here you are.

Peanuts, get your peanuts!

Don't tell me,
let me guess:

You're jimmy carter's
new campaign manager.

No. I am a vendor
at all the u.s.c. Games.

I sell popcorn,
hot dogs, and peanuts.

[All cheering]
that's great, dwayne.

Yeah, I bet you'll be
good at it, too, dwayne.

I hope so.
I've been takin'
a lot of practice shots.

Practice shots?

Yeah. Look at
my new sky hook.

[All exclaim]

Now that's what I call
a slam dunk!

[Chuckles]
yeah.

[All cheer]

Um, dwayne, come here.
Come here, baby.

[Clears throat]

We have 3 rules
here at rob's place.

Now, the first one is
that we never reveal

The ingredients
in our secret sauce.

Now, rule number 2 says

That we never stop trying

To find out
the ingredients of that sauce.

Now, number 3...

Now, you gonna love
this one:

No one is allowed
to throw food in here,

Except the chef,

And we know you're
not the chef, are you?

No. Got it.
Good, come here.

Now, one more thing:

Congratulations
on your new job.

Hey, thanks, shirley.

Look, I gotta get goin'.

Tomorrow night
is my first game,
and I wanna be ready.

Hey, dwayne, I'm sure
you'll do just fine.

Think so?

Certainly.
You're perfect for the job.

I mean, just look
at that honest face,

Those sincere eyes,
that--that open expression.

Why I'd buy
just about anything
from this man.

Peanuts?
Not now, dwayne.

Just keep that charisma
and that charm of yours

And you can do anything,
dwayne.

Now come on,
let me see it.

Let me see that famous
dwayne nelson smile.
That's it.

Yeah, this is it, huh?
You got it.

Charm?
You bet.

Charisma?
Right on.

Yeah. All right.

All right,
keep doing that, dwayne,

You'll have
that job locked up.

All right.

If he walks around like that,
they'll have him locked up.

[Dwayne]
hey, hey, hey.

Dwayne! Finally!

Man, that must've been
some game.

Yeah. And some
hungry crowd.

I don't even wanna look
at another bag of peanuts.

Well, you really
had us worried.

We thought
maybe you got mugged
by an elephant.

[All laughing]

Well, how did it go?

Well, I don't like to brag,

But I'm fantastic
at this job.

You should've seen me.
I was great.

Well, that's great, dwayne.
Come on, we're
goin' out for pizza.

Oh, look, guys, sorry.
I'm too pooped.

Too pooped for pizza?

Impossible.

Come on, dwayne,

You gotta celebrate
your success.

Look, guys, I'd like to,
but I better not.

I need my rest.
See, I did so well,

The boss wants me
to work games
all over the city.

This could become
a full-time job.

Full-time?
What about school?

Well, what do I
need school for?

This is fast money.

Dwayne, the money
may look good to you now,

But we're talking about
your whole life.

What about college?
What about your future?

Yeah, the future.

You know, the pizza parlor
closes in 20 minutes.

Look, sorry, guys.
No pizza. I'm too tired.

I just need to take a nap.

Oh, yeah? You think
you're tired now, dwayne?

What about
30 years from now?

I mean,
your--your old throwing arm
isn't what it used to be,

And your sales
are way down.

You come home
from a hard day's work
at the stadium,

Susie greets you at the door.

She brings you
the evening paper

And looks up at you with
those big soft brown eyes.

Yeah, and then I pat her
on the head

And I give her
a rubber bone to chew.

Dwayne, susie is your wife.

Oh. I thought
she was my c*ck spaniel.

No, it's just you,
susie, and the 2 kids.

Raj?
Yes, dwayne?

Can't I have a dog, too?

Oh, give him a dog, raj.
That'll be nice.

All right,
you got the dog.

Oh, but the dog
needs his shots.

Dwayne, jr.
Needs his braces.

Your daughter needs
a dress for the prom,

And the washing machine
is on the blink.

Not again?
I'm gonna k*ll that plumber.

Look, dwayne,
you can't make ends meet.

You-you're not earning enough
on your present job,

You don't have
any other skills,

No education.

You do
the only thing
you can:

You turn to
a life of crime.

Dwayne, dwayne, dwayne.

Look, raj,

I appreciate
what you're trying to say,

I really do.

But can't we talk
about this tomorrow?

I just need
some rest.

All right,
I'll drop it for now,

But think about
what I said.

Think about your future.

Ok.
All right.

Come on, raj,
we only got 5 minutes.

All right.
Your future, dwayne.

[Dwayne]
right. Think about the future.

The future.

future.

the future.

[dwayne]
the future.

[People chattering]

Oh, bonjour,
my darlings,

And welcome to shirley's.

Good evening.

Oh, do you have reservations?

Hamilton, 2.

Oh, good, good.
Right this way, please.

Lovely dress.
I had one myself like that,

Of course,
I threw mine away.

Oh, ok,
the special for tonight
is filet mignon,

Flown in from
philadelphia.

[Raj]
her painted mouth

And...

Was a dark red gash.

Against the velvet skin
of her face.

And her lucid eyes
were pulsating

As she gasped:

"Roger. Roger!"

Uh, roger, darling,

Uh, your enthusiasm
is so charming,

But could you
keep it down, please?

[Screams]

Can't you see I'm creating?

I'm the world's
greatest writer,

You have interrupted me.

Look here, baby,
if you don't pick up
that paper,

You're gonna be
the world's greatest
ghost writer.

Now--

[Speaking with french accent]
madame shirley.

[Shirley clears throat]

Uh, excusez-moi,
uh, "diamond" fredrick stubbs,

You know,
the famous gourmet

And the president of a.b.c.,
Is calling me. Excuse me.

[Clears throat]
monsieur stubbs,
what is your pleasure, sir?

More caviar.

More truffles glacees.

More coq au vin.

And another cheeseburger,
heavy on the onions.

[Shirley and rerun chattering]

Oh. Hey, oh,
lady dee tyler-thomas
is here.

You know she is the richest
woman in el segundo?

Mmm, her finance company holds
the mortgage on my restaurant.

Oh, lady dee!
It is a privilege
and an honor

To have you
in our establishment.

We welcome
your distinguished,

Remarkable presence.

You forgot "gorgeous."

Excuse me. And gorgeous.

Look here,
I hope you're not upset

Because I'm behind
in my payments.

Nothing changes, huh?

Your mortgage payment
for the month is $1.2 million.

I remember back in 1979,

I could've bought
a little house in the valley
for that much.

Um, $1.2 million?

Ok, let's see,
all right.

Oh, well,
put it on my check.

How sweet.

I don't think I'll repossess
your typewriter.

Rajey?

Roger, baby!

Roger, dude!
Don't you remember me?

I'm your
old friend rerun.

Y-you're rerun?

Well, so you are!
I hardly recognized you.

Boy, you've aged badly.

While I remained youngish
and got wealthy.

Oh, this is charming.

Just like old times.
We're all together again.

Yes, yes.

Except for that
funny little fellow, dwayne.

Whatever happened to him?

Oh, well, last I heard,

He dropped out of school
for peanuts

And fell in with a bad crowd.

What a waste.

The kid had a lot
of charm and charisma.

Hmm, he could've been
a doctor, lawyer.

Or even
one of the muppets.

You know,

I could've built a show

Around that goofy smile
of his.

[Police siren wailing]

Hey, hey, hey,

It's me, "pretty boy" dwayne,
and don't nobody move.

[Chuckles]

Uh, dwayne,
what--what are you
doing here?

See, I dropped out of school.
Now I'm a criminal.

You gotta help me, raj.

The coppers
are closin' in on me.

Hey, give me that.
And you...

Hey!

Mmm! Hey, this is
rocky road.

Here, taste this.

Mmm!

Yeah, they were all out
of almond fudge.

[Shirley exclaiming]

Well, look here,
you cannot come in here.

See, this is strictly
for high society people

That stayed in college.

Well, look,
you've gotta help me.

Big earl barnett
is out there.

The oldest
and toughest cop in l.a.

[big earl]
this is big earl barnett.

we know you're in there.

come out, you young
whippersnapper,

or I'll come in there and...

Raj, you gotta help me.

He's comin' in after me.
Please.

We tried to warn you
for years, dwayne,

But you wouldn't listen.

Now you have only
2 choices:

Either you walk out of here
with big earl

Or you go out
in a pine box.

Raj, couldn't I just
call a cab?

[big earl]
we're coming in!

Raj, he's comin' in after me!

Save me! Save me!
Don't send me up the river!

Will you get off
my dress?

Save me!
I don't wanna
go up the river, raj!

no, I don't wanna
go up the river. No!

[Banging on door]
save me!

Save me. I don't wanna
go up the river.

Coming in.
Please!

Wake up!
No, I don't wanna
go up the river.

Dwayne, wake up!

No, I don't wanna
go up the river. No!

Dwayne.
Big earl!

What?
Big earl!

What?
I don't wanna go up the river.

Don't go up the river.

I only did it
for susie and the dog.

Wait. What--what are you
talking about?

You got a dog in here?

That's against
the rules, dwayne.

A dog? Huh?
No dog, no. Wow.

Hey, how did you guys
get in here?

Oh, you know
how it is, kid.

A policeman's job
is never really done.

With my keen senses
and my street savvy,

I can't help but notice

The slightest thing
that's out of whack.

All that screaming
woke him up.

I made him come down here
and check things out.

Well, raj and rerun
aren't here.

I must've
fallen off to sleep.

Boy, that was
some nightmare.

You get them often?

No, I just had
sort of a rough night.

See, I started
this new job--

Hey, all right!

Now that's what
I like to see.

An ambitious,
energetic young man
making his way in the world.

What do you do, dwayne?

Sell peanuts.

Oh. Well, fantastic.

I mean, you can make
a fortune in peanuts.

Look at that
carter fella, huh?

Yeah, he's a...
He's a big success

Because he started out with
a small peanut farm, huh?

Worked hard day and night,
made a little money,

Put the profits back
into seed and machinery,

And then one day, bingo!

His brother became president.

Well, anyway,

I think I could make
a fortune in peanuts.

Everybody seems to think
I should go to college,

But I'm not sure
if I'm cut out for it.

I know just how you feel.

I'm a bit
of a maverick myself.

Sure you are, son,
but you'll settle down.

You know,
i--i have to admit

I'd love to see earl, jr.
Follow in my footsteps,

Maybe even do better,

Become chief of police,
or join the f.b.i.

Yeah, that'd be great.

Yeah. Me, an agent
for the f.b.i.

Women just love men
who face danger.

I bet I'd drive dee crazy.

The gladiatorial strength
and stamina of a champion,

No matter who
the adversary.

Gee, dad, I've never
seen you like this.

But I guess there's
a little bit of howard cosell
in everyone.

Well, I guess I did get
a little carried away.

What I'm trying
to say, dwayne,

Is if you get
an education,

And if you believe
in yourself,

Then just about anything
is possible.

Now you're talking
like yourself, dad.

Yeah. Come on,
you gotta get me to bed.

Uh, you sure you're ok,
dwayne?

Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks.

Ok. Sleep good.
Good night.
Good night, dwayne.

All right.

Hmm, if I just believe
in myself,

Anything is possible
in the future.

In the future.

in the future.

in the future.

[Rerun]
no, I will not hold on!

This is the head
of the network.

Get me the head
of the news department.

Who's this? Barbara?

Good. Love you, baba-wawa.

How's fidel?

Loved the interview in
the old revolutionary's home.

Baba,
the president will be here
any second,

And there's not a camera
in sight.

I want this event covered.

I want newsmen.
I want reporters.

No, that's not
all I want.

I want a ham and cheese
on rye with a dill pickle.

[Speaking softly]
the food in this place
is lousy.

Her painted mouth
was a dark red gash

Against the velvet skin
of her face.

And her lucid eyes
were pulsating

As she gasped,
"mr. President.

[Bell tinkling]

Mr. President."

[Door creaking]

Oh, look who just came in.
It's the head of the f.b.i.

Barnett, in charge of
presidential security.

Just wanna get set
for the big guy's arrival.

Let's see, now.
This place ever been bugged?

Oh no, sir.

We had the exterminator in
just last month.

Good, good.

Hiya, doll.
You look nifty.

Thanks, kid.

I love it.

After all these years,
she still calls me kid.

She still calls me kid!

I love it!

"The kid" knocks me out,
you know that.

Keep a sharp eye out, men.

The big guy should be here
any moment.

You know what?
I just cannot wait to see

The president
of the united states

Walk through those doors.

He's gonna have to walk in.

I just repossessed his limo.

[Vehicle approaching]

Hmm?

[People cheering]

Oh, hey,
it's the president!

He's coming!

He just got off
the number 8 bus!

Oh!

[All cheering]

[All applauding]

My fellow americans.

[All cheering]

Hey, hey, and hey.

madame shirley.
Yes?

I love your place.

Well, thank you.

And I love your network!

[Laughs]

Thank you, sir.

And I love
your novel.

Thank you, mr. President.

madame dee,

Love your wealth.

Thank you. Love you limo.

Sorry about that.

That's ok.
I know how you feel.

I had to repossess
new york city.

Where's my aide?

Where's my aide?
His aide!

His aide!

Here I am, sir.

These papers
need your signature
right away, mr. President.

Ok.

Hey, snake!

You're the
presidential aide?

Right.

Hey, um,
what's with this
funky red phone?

I mean, we got a pay phone
on the wall there.

Uh, this is no
ordinary telephone.

This is the president's
special hotline.

I have to be
by his side with it
at all times.

Even when he goes to bed.

Really?

Yeah. That's why
I never married.

[Phone buzzing]

Oh!
Shirley's.

Girl, yes,
he's here, looking...

If it's sadat and begin again,
tell them I'm out.

Mr. President,
mr. President,

A crisis is developing

In the south american country
of el macho.

El macho?

Yes.

The guerillas are attacking,
thousands are fleeing.

The congress
wants to send advisors,

The pentagon
wants to send air support,

And the president
of el macho
wants safe passage.

And 2 tickets
to disneyland.

Would he settle
for a guest spot
on merv griffin?

Mr. President,
I don't think
you understand

The seriousness
of the situation.

The wrong move
could set off
another world w*r.

That bad, huh?

Hmm.

Dee, what do you
suggest that I do?

It'll cost you.

It's your decision, sir.

You're supposed to be
the president.

Yeah, that's right.
I am the president,

But I'm not
prepared for this.

I have no skills,
no education.

That's the reason
I went into politics
in the first place.

Mr. President, you have
to give them an answer.

You have to make a decision.

[All]
a decision! A decision!

A decision! A decision!

a decision!

[rerun]
dwayne!
...decision...decision...

[Raj]
dwayne, make the decision.

You have to decide,
dwayne.

Huh?
Which do you want?

Pepperoni or mushroom?
What?

We brought our pizzas
back with us.

We figured
you'd be hungry.

Come on, now we can
eat together.

What? Eat?

How can you eat
at a time like this?

What about
the guerillas?

Let them eat bananas.

What gorillas?

What are you talkin' about?
Are you all right?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm all right now.

Hey, guys,
look, I gotta get goin'.

I'll see you later.
Dwayne--dwayne!

Huh?
What about your pizza?

Oh, look,
I don't have time
for that now.

You can have it, rerun.

I gotta get home
and catch up on my studying.

Studying?

I thought you were through
with school.

Not me.

I can't throw
my whole future away.

My country
is depending on me.

The world is awaiting.

I mean,
I could be doctor,

Or a lawyer,
or even president.

You, president
of the united states?

N-no. President of el macho.

Ole! Ole!
Ole--ole--ole!
Ole!

Ole!

I got 2 pieces, raj.