01x04 - Your Friendly Neighborhood Kidnappers

[bunniefuu]

Aren't we suppose to go on
after the Four Swine?

Man, I wouldn't go on
anywhere after those guys.

They're really seedy.

Oh, that's only on the surface.

I bet somewhere underneath
that seemingly hard exterior,

there's four pretty decent guys.

Yeah!

[Audience applauding]

That was the Four Swine.

Underneath their seemingly hard exterior,
there are four pretty decent guys.

Look who's here.
Monkees! Here.

You're a great judge of character.

Now the last group in the
contest, the Monkees!

[Audience applauding]

Yeah, you guys would be
lost without a manager.

Now wait for my signal.

One, two, three.

[classical music playing]

Hey, is that the
way we rehearsed it?

Here we come
Walkin' down the street

We get the funniest looks from
Ev'ry one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly
Come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation
And we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
You never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready

We may be comin' to your town

Trump's the name. Nick Trump.
Congratulations.

- You made the finals.
- You're putting us on.

Well, like man, you know,
the judges done Beethoven.

Yeah!
What about the Four Swine?

The Four Swine? Oh yeah,
they made it too.

Boo!

Don't worry. The officials have
assigned Nick Trump to get you publicity.

You're a shoe-in.

Listen, no thanks.

Don't you want to be famous,
the idol of millions?

No, we just want to be revered
by a small minority.

A small minority?

A small minority.
A small minority like a tribe

of African pygmies.
Get it, pygmies, huh?

That's ridiculous.

Hey, what are you doing?
Mixing a drink?

No, I'm just washing my socks.

Now listen. Without publicity,
no one will ever hear of you.

Well, you heard of us, didn't ya?

Well, yeah, yeah.

Okay, then we don't need publicity.

Besides, we gotta rehearse.

Fellas, fellas.
Part of the contest rules,

...every application must
submit to exploitation and publicity.

- Right?
Monkees: - Right.

Beautiful baby.

Now, here's my plan.

You go to the new discotheque,
huh, The Vincent Van Go-Go.

As soon as you get in, go to
table number three in the corner.

Be careful that you don't
bump into table number two.

At exactly eight o'clock,

I've arranged for a group of
screaming teenagers girls...

...to come in there and
rip off all of Davy's clothes.

Hey Mike, what time is it?

Huh? Oh, uh, it's a
three minutes to eight.

May I take your order now?

Oh, nothing for us thanks.

We just came in to have
our clothes ripped off.

Very funny.

Mike, how long to go?

Showtime. X17.
Prepare for countdown.

Hello control. This is X17.
I'm waiting your instructions.

Ready.





Micky: Blast off!

[Rocket blasts and screaming girls]

Today, Lester Crabtree,
menswear buyer for

Wiley's Department Store in Passaic,
New Jersey,

...had his clothes ripped off in
a local Hollywood night spot.

Mr. Crabtree was quoted as saying,
"You've got a wild little town here".

Well, you were right about one thing.
It got loads of publicity.

Forget it.
I've got another plan.

Oh yeah, you got another plan.
What are you planning this time, a famine?

Not bad baby. This time you're
gonna get your hand prints in cement...

...like all the other celebrities
in front of the Chinese Theater.

Beautiful?
Beautiful baby, huh?

Fellas, I had to pay for the
sidewalk. Now fun is fun.

I'm sorry Mr. Trump.

Careful, I may never
play the guitar again!

But you're the drummer.

Oh, that's right.
Okay, go ahead.

Thanks a lot.

Now, I'm warning ya.
I'm giving you one last chance.

One more foul up and I drop you.

Yes sir.

Ow! [ Cracks knuckles ]
Thanks.

You ever been, uh, kidnapped?

Uh, no. Any of you guys?

I was kidnapped as a kid once,
but my family was so poor...

...that they gave the ransom
note to the neighbors. Ha ha ha.

Hey, kidnapping.
What kind Mr. Trump?

A really front page
affair sweetheart.

Of course, you won't
really be kidnapped.

You just be held till
moments before the contest.

No man. I'm sorry.
A kidnapping...

Contest rules. Rules!

Well man.
I don't know.

Look, I'll tell you what you do.
Think it over.

Kidnapping man.

I promise. If this doesn't work,
we forget the whole thing.

Talk it over.

Go ahead. Go, go.

[ Chatter ]

Well, okay then.

Great! Beautiful. Beautiful!

Great. I know just who to get.
Two active clients of mine.

They play great hoods.
You'll love 'em.

[ Phone ringing ]

Oh, hello Trump.

What's that?

A kidnap?

How many in the party?

Four? Oh, I couldn't touch it
for under a thousand a piece.

Who are you calling a thief?

Excuse me? Three fifty a...
That's unheard of. What ya say?

Three sixty? You've
got yourself a deal.

Alright. Goodbye, goodbye.

Well baby, it's all set.
They're gonna be here in about an hour.

Well, how should we dress for
this thing. Is it formal?

Of course. Dress, dress.

Black or white tie?

For a daytime kidnapping, black tie.

Hey, what about the newspaper man?

They wear business suits.

No, are you sure they're
gonna cover this?

Believe me baby, by tonight, you boys
are gonna be all over the front page.

You're gonna be celebrities.
Celebrities!

I'm gonna be a star.

Well, I guess we better go get
dressed for the kidnapping.

No Peter.

No Peter.

Yes Peter.

You know, it's getting late man.
I wish Davy'd come home.

Never mind Davy. Where's Trump's actors?
They should be here by now man.

There's one thing I can't stand,
it's late kidnappers.

Right. Mike, why don't ya call them?

What do ya call 'em?

I should just walk over to the telephone,
pick it up, and not even dial.

All I gotta do is say 'Hello'?

Hello, Ikansteen and
Error, Kidnappers.

Hello, this is Mr. Nesmith.
Say are the kidnappers in?

No, I'm sorry,
the kidnappers are out right now.

This is their answering service.

Yeah, well look, we're
suppose to be kidnapped today.

Oh yes Mr. Nesmith. Two o'clock kidnapping.
I have it right here in the schedule.

Well, I'm sorry. The kidnappers
are very behind schedule.

You see, this is our busy season,
just before the holidays.

Oh well, then maybe we ought
to wait till after the holidays.

No, I'm afraid that won't do.

You see, after the holidays,
they're very busy with exchanges.

Oh, okay.

We wait.

Okay, you dirty rats.
Drop everything and reach for the sky.

Isn't this thirteen
thirty four Beachwood?

No, this is fourteen forty four.
Thirteen thirty four is down the road a bit.

We're terribly sorry to bother you.

Oh, no bother at all.

Say goodbye George.

Goodbye.

Bye, bye.

Such a nice young man.
We should have asked him to stay for tea.

[ Knock on door ]

Oh, excuse me. Is this
thirteen thirty four Beachwood?

- Right.
- Thank you young man.

Okay, you dirty rats.
Drop everything and reach for the sky.

George, what is this?
This is no person. This is a dummy.

Oh yeah, I thought he had a
kind of stupid wooden expression.

Not that dummy, dummy.
This dummy.

Never mind. Where's
the fourth kid?

I'll find out Horace. Okay you guys,

I want some straight answers
and I want 'em fast.

Where's your buddy?

Okay, if you won't tell, I'll...!

George, maybe if you
took off their gags.

Oh yeah.

Davy's with a girlfriend
at the Vincent Van Go-Go.

Go, let's go pick him up.
Go ahead.

Horace, I can't do those crazy dances.

There's nothing to it.
It's just rhythm. Now watch me.

A one, a two, a three,
one, two, three.

Rhythm. Try it, try it.

One, two...

Beautiful.

Davy Jones?

Excuse me sonny.
Are you Davy Jones?

Yeah, that's right.

You're coming with me buster.

Oh, you must be the
actor Mr. Trump sent.

I'm warning you.
You better come peaceful like.

I'll tell you what.
Wait till the end of this song.

Why don't you stick around.
Try looking inconspicuous.

Hey man, forget it.
Let's go. Come on.

Hey, where are you two going?

I'm going home to get kidnapped.

Well, I wanna come too.

Okay.

Come on everybody.
Party at Davy's place.

Hi fellas.

Fellas: Hey Davy. Hi Davy.
Hey, what's happening?

- See, you got him.
- Yeah, but Horace.

Not now, I'm busy.

But Horace!

What's the matter!
What's the matter!

He wasn't alone.

So, alright. You had to
pick up a friend. Bring her in.

Okay Horace.

[ Music ]

♪ Let's dance on
Oh baby, come on ♪

♪ Let's dance on 'til the dawn
Have fun 'til the music's all gone ♪

Tie 'em all up.
I better go call in Trump.

♪ Let's keep it up baby,
'Cause the music's still strong ♪

Excuse me kids. Let me get through.
I've got to make a very important call.

Go dance someplace else.

♪ Come on, baby
Let me see how you work ♪

Hello? Hello Trump. We had to
add a couple of extra kids.

I'm gonna need a little
more money for the job.

Kids, will you leave me alone?
This is business!

♪ Let's dance on 'til the dawn,
Have fun 'til the music's all gone ♪

Oh, how many extra kids?
I don't know how many. A few extra.

♪ Girl, you look so fine ♪

♪ You been doin' the Shotgun
Let me see you do the Twine ♪

Let's see, at 360 bucks a piece,
I'd would say about 12,000 dollars.

♪ Now hang on, baby,
I'll do the Sloopy with you ♪

Yeah Trump.

♪ Let's dance on
Oh baby, come on ♪

♪ Yeah, let's dance on 'til the dawn,
have fun 'til the music's all gone ♪

Come on you guys!
This is where it's at.

Oh, now wait a minute.

Hey, don't get so excited.
They brought their own pretzels.

[ Music ]

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Woah, yeah, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Ah, yeah, yeah ♪

Mr. Trump, I've got the
new revised figures here.

With thirty eight people, there's

nineteen thousand four
hundred and twenty dollars.

Now look Horace, I'm coming over.

- No, don't come over!
- Why not?

You can't get in without a reservation.

[ Music ]

Oh, there you are young man.
I brought you some nice hot tea.

Thank you my dear lady.

George, tie 'em up.

Trump?

Now look Horace,
this is very unbusinesslike.

I ask you to snatch a quartet
and you end up with a choir.

[ Music ]

Hey, this dance is a gas.
What do ya call it?

What else? The Kidnap.

George, we gotta get
these kids outta here.

Yeah, I don't wanna write
no forty ransom notes.

Hey man, I can empty this place
for you in two minutes.

Just wait at the door, will ya?

[ Music ]

Come on Trump.

Tell your actors to put away
these toy g*ns man. The show is over.

Yeah man, we gotta make it to
the contest in a half hour.

You punks ain't going nowhere.

Hey, what's going on?
That g*n's beginning to look real.

It is.

Keep 'em here 'til eight o'clock and
don't let them out of your sight.

Hey, where are you going?

I'm gonna watch my clients,
the Four Swine win the contest.

You better keep 'em
locked in because if they

get out before eight o'clock sweetheart,
the deal is off.

George, lock the boys up in the bedroom.

I'm gonna lock 'em up
in the bedroom. Go, go.

It should be easy to get
out of a locked room.

I've seen it in dozens of movies.

I've got it.

What, what, what, what, what?

I can't think with this bulb
hanging over my head.

Thank you.

We'll throw something out of
the window to attract a passerby.

Great idea.

Yeah, well, what do we throw?

We better hurry. It's 7:35.

Peter.

Come on. Well, wait a minute.
He's too well. He's gotta be stiff.

Hmm. Peter, you're stiff.

Ready, one, two...

Hold it, hold it. Hey, this is
very thoughtless of us, you know.

What?

He might land on somebody.

Straighten him up.

Okay Peter, hmm, you're not stiff.

Thanks Micky. And it's 7:37.

Okay, hold the end of this and
we'll lower ourselves to the ground.

Micky, we're on the first floor.

Oh, can we lower
ourselves to the roof?

Hey, those are my sheets.

And it's 7:40.

Check on the boys.
Give a listen, will ya?

I've got a roll of pennies.

Very good, Now we're gonna
bribe our way out.

No, no, hold in my fist like
brass knuckles. Give me a fist of iron.

Smash through the door man.
I'd be more powerful than a locomotive.

Hey, hey Micky, will you
please be careful?

Don't worry. I'll be careful.

A penny for your thoughts. Oh.

[ Knock on door ]

What's going on in here?

Stand back, both of you.
This is nitroglycerin.

One false move and I'll
blow us all to kingdom come.

I'm gonna count to ten.

One, two, three, four, five,

I think they're bluffing.

- ...six
- What if he ain't?

Boy, are we in trouble.

Go, go! Get 'em in the room.
Knock 'em out.

It's five minutes to eight.

Come on fellas.
We can still make it.

Horace, we gotta get out of here.

Should be easy to get out
of a locked room.

I've seen it in
dozens of movies.

Great, what was in that
bottle anyways.

How should I know?

[ expl*si*n ]

Look, look what I did?

Come on.

[ Music ]

Take the last train to Clarksville
And I'll meet you at the station

You can be here by four thirty
'Cause I made your reservation

And don't be slow, oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!

'Cause I'm leavin' in the morning
And I must see you again

We'll have one more night together
'Til the morning brings my train

And I must go, oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!

And I don't know if
I'm ever coming home

Take the last train to Clarksville
I'll be waiting at the station

We'll have time for coffee flavored kisses
And a bit of conversation

Oh... Oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!

[ Music ]

Take the last train to Clarksville
Now I must hang up the phone

I can't hear you in this noisy
Railroad station all alone

I'm feelin' low. Oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!

And I don't know if
I'm ever coming home

[ Music ]

Take the last train to Clarksville
And I'll meet you at the station

You can be here by four thirty
'Cause I made your reservation

And don't be slow, oh, no, no, no!

Oh, no, no, no!

And I don't know if
I'm ever coming home

Take the last train to Clarksville

Take the last train to Clarksville

Take the last train to Clarksville

Take the last train to Clarksville

[ Audience applauding ]

Thank you Monkees!

And in a moment,
the results of the contest.

What he means to say is we'll
be right back after the commercial.

Having found evidence of
foul play in this contest,

...the judges report the
offenders have been apprehended.

The victimized parties have
been given special consideration.

We wish to extend our
congratulations to the Monkees...

...for overcoming many obstacles
to remain in the contest.

And now, the name of the winners
of the contest, no other...

...Lester Crabtree and
the Three Crabs.

[ Screaming ]

Boy, Lester's doing alright.

Yeah, but I never even
heard him sing.

He doesn't have to sing.
He never gets a chance.

Gee,
it seems all it takes in this world to be

a big star is to have
your clothes ripped off.

That's all it takes.

Hey fellas, fellas, wait one
second before you go home.

Take a seat for a second.
Will ya fellas?

Can we go?

No, it's just that we're a minute
short and we've got to talk about something.

Another minute short?

Why don't you time your shows better?

The camera's on, really?

Since the show's been on
for a few weeks now,

...have you heard from any
fellas like that are out

of your past that you haven't
seen in a long while?

Didn't even know you were on the show?

Yeah, well you know a lot of people call,

a lot of people who used to
say you're gonna go to jail.

You'll die when you're 23 years old.

Is that a prediction that a lot of people
made about you when you were a kid?

- Yeah.
- Why?

Why did they make that prediction?
Well, I was a pretty rotten kid, you know.

Were you a loser?

Well, yeah.

A victim?

No, just a loser. I sort of
created my own hot bed, you know.

It's a drag.
Let's not talk about that. Blah.

Mike, let me ask you this.

How about things that
you're able to get now that

you were never able to get
before like a car or motorcycle.

Are you digging those things?

Yeah, that's a grove.
That whole scene is a whole other thing.

I gotta be very careful.

Why?

Well, I'll spend myself bankrupt.

You know big car and all that
kind of stuff, big house, big...

The universe is permeated
with the odor of turpentine.

You guys know, of course,
that we've only got one minute

in which to say everything
that's on your minds, don't you?

Collectively, if you've got something
to say that is really important.

[ Monkee chatter ]

The only thing about it man
is that a minute is entirely

too long for us to tell everything
we've got on our minds.

Thanks a lot Mike.
Goodnight fellas.

Davy: Goodnight.