01x15 - Too Many Girls

[bunniefuu]

? Not your steppin' stone ?

? Not your steppin' stone ?

? Not your steppin' stone ?

? Not- ?

Davy? Davy? Hey, Davy?

Man, that's the third time today!

Hey, Davy? Davy, come back. Davy?
No use; he's gone.

Yeah, there's gotta be a girl
around here somewhere.

There she is, over there.

Oh.

Miss, can you leave so we could get some
rehearsing, yeah, ??? You know how it is.

We can't rehearse with Davy.
He gets all, you know. Thank you very much.

? Not your steppin' stone ?
? Not your steppin' stone ?

Davy?

? Not your steppin' stone ?

Ye-hey, fellas, come on,
wh-what-are you gonna sing? Oh, no.

It happened, a girl.

Yeah, you were, yeah.
Seven seconds.

- Uh-huh. Again. A girl.
- You've been out of it. Phew.

Listen, I'll tell you what, fellas,
I'll never look at another girl, ever.

Would you mind to make that
in the form of a vow?

- Yeah, I'd love to.
- Oh.

- Okay, I.
- I.

- Vow.
- Vow.

- No more.
- No more.

- Girls.
- Girls.

Get her out of here.

Come on.

Out, out, out, out, out,
out, out, out, oh.

Please, we can't rehearse
when there's girls around,

and Davy can't rehearse,
he can't practice, he can't play,

he can't do anything when
there's a girl around.

Please, he'll see you later, honest.

I'm gonna hold you to that vow,
you know that, don't you? Thank you.

Because you-you'll have to go.
You see, Davy's been ill. Nobody's.

That's right, baby. Oh, out, out, out,
out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out! Out!

Come here, I'm sorry, you
d-we're trying to rehearse.

??? in five minutes. Bye.
Hey, wait, hold it-back, back, easy.

Oh, they're getting
stronger all the time.

Oh, no kidding, man.

He's gonna be the death of us yet.

You know it.

Oh, I think that about does it.
Do you see any more, Micky?

No, I don't see any more.
How 'bout you, Pete?

No, how about you, Davy?

Davy!

Poor Davy.

He's helpless, trapped by his
own staggering good looks.

I myself am deeply jealous.

Here we come, walkin'
down the street

We get the funniest looks
from every one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees,
and people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
to put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly,
come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation,
and we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees,
you never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready,
we may be comin' to your town

Ah, ha ha ha ha.
Here they come now.

Oh no!

The little one is Davy.
Get ready!

He's English; he likes tea.
Do your stuff.

But, mother-

Don't mother me! Now,
you're going to have a career

in show business, and you're
going to have it with that boy.

Hey, look!

Yes, Mr. Hack.
Uh, yes, my daughter Fern

is working up an act for
your TV amateur show.

Tea room.

Huh!

Yes, she found a partner
like you suggested.

- But-
- You care for a spot of tea?

Rather have the whole cup.

Ah ha ha.

Goodbye, sir.
Pepper and a nail.

Ah ha ha, ha ha, ha!
Now, you do what I told you.

Yes, mother.

I understand you young men would
like to have your tea leaves read.

Oh, no, I'm gonna bring mine home.

Why?

It'll give me something
to read in bed.

Oh.

You can read mine.

Mine too.

Let's see. Oh, I see you're a
musician, composer, raconteur.

He also contains lanolin and won't
upset your stomach, ha ha.

And, um, oh, that's too bad.
I see you're about to get a flat tire.

Right now?

Now, let's see.
Oh, you look tired.

I see you're gonna come down
with a twenty-four hour virus.

Oh.

Now, young man.
You-well, well, well!

I see that within twenty-four hours,

you're going to meet a girl
and fall in love.

Oh.

Yeah, well, yeah, he does
that every day.

Oh, but this love is so great.
He will leave his home and friends.

What?

That's impossible;
I wouldn't do that.

Young man, it's predestined.
It's your appointment with fate.

The-the-the tea
leaves never lie. No!

I'm switching to buttermilk.

Hey, you don't think there's anything
in this tea leaf bit, do you?

Oh, come on, man, there
nothing in tea leaves.

You guys don't believe that, do you?

We're not very superstitious,
and we're four

pretty intelligent guys who've
been very lucky. Huh. Knock wood.

Oh! Well, it's begun! Huh huh.
Did you take care of the car?

Yes, mother.

Well, that's singularly the
most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Says you're gonna come down
with a twenty-four hour virus.

It said you're gonna fall in
love within twenty-four hours.

Said we're gonna get a flat tire.
We got a flat tire.

Well, there must be some perfectly
reasonable explanation for it.

It's probably-ah-achoo! Huh,
I must be coming down with a cold.

Hey, that's two predictions
that's happened that she said.

You don't suppose that I'm gonna-

Let's get him out of here!

Where can we get some buttermilk?

Ah!

Now, this is getting ridiculous.

I'm not gonna fall in
love and leave ya.

Yeah, you bet you're not.
She said twenty-four hours, right?

Okay, well, for the next
twenty-four hours,

we're gonna insulate you
from women. Ah ha ha.

But that's half the world!

Half the world, half the world!
Half the, half the, half the.

That's their house, Fern. By now,

they'll have decided to try
to keep him out of circulation,

but you know what to do.

Whatever you say, mother.

Which half? This half.
This half the world.

Which half of the world?
Is it, half the world-

It's a girl. Go away.
What are you doing?

Will you stop it, please?
Let me go! Come on.

Oh, it's okay;
it's only a girl scout.

Oh, gosharooney;
it's only a girl scout.

Let me go, please.

Hi, I'm a little girl scout,

and I want to know if you'll
buy my cookies, please?

Girl scout!

[yelling]

Peter, not you!
Girl scout my... [cuckoo].

Hey, come on, Davy,
let's play some cards.

I'm going crazy.
You can't lock me up like this.

Why are you doing it to me?
You can't lock me up like an animal.

I know why he's doing it;
it's 'cause I'm short,

that's why. I'm short.
That's it.

- Davy?
- What?

Will you please come
on and play some cards?

Alright, deal 'em.
It's a girl.

I'll get it.

Hm. It is a girl.
Get him upstairs.

Not me, him!

Oh. Sorry.

I'm from the Dubois
Photo Studio, and, uh,

I would like to know if you would
like a free sample picture for use in,

uh, passports, picture albums,
or publicity releases?

That sounds cool.

Alright, now hold it.
Oh, it's just perfect.

Stay right there.
Now hold it, hold it!

Now, wait a minute.
I thought there were four of you.

He's upstairs.

Oh. Oh. Oh! Huh huh.
Hold it! Hold it!

I'm blind! I'm blind!

I can't see! Who turned
on the dark? What's happening?

Hey, wait a minute!
Hold it there, shotgun!

Ahh!

Right.

Okay, fellas, that's it.

This is a free country,
and I am going out.

- No.
- I'm leaving. I'm leaving now.

No, no, no. No, sorry.

Listen, the only way you're
gonna keep me here is to tie me down.

Chain me down. That's how
you're gonna keep me here.

Relax, Davy. Watch television.

There's a western on about
some guy building a railroad.

Well, how 'bout the railroad?

Need rails, a new flat car,
rebuilding that bridge'll cost money.

Dave, you got the soul
of a bookkeeper.

Why don't we start with
a bottle of champagne,

and maybe a poker game, and-

Ben, you've enjoyed, uh, a rock
slide, and a cattle drive,

and-and a full scale ride.

How'd you like to have a
small personal reward?

Now just a minute.
Whose railroad is this anyway?

Ours.

Alright, but at least we can
start with a bottle of champagne.

After that, if we have to...

But he was chained to chair!

Hey, what's that?

It's a letter for Davy.
Special delivery, a heh.

Man, what could possibly make a
person go dragging a chair across the city?

Don't worry, dearie.
If I know that boy,

he's bound to fall for
this one. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Says, "Dear Mr. Jones, you've been

chosen to judge our fifth
annual beauty pageant."

- That'd do it.
- Yeah.

Davy loose at a beauty contest.

Man, we're sunk.

How fast can he move
dragging a chair?

Yeah, that's a-uh!

What was that?

I don't know, but you touched me,
and I heard music.

My name's David Jones, and...
I think I love you.

We're too late.

I myself am deeply jealous.

Hey, that's the lady
that predicted all this.

Come on. Hello.
Would you like to sit down?

- Oh, yes.
- Sit right there.

Thank you, my dear.
Thank you.

I wanted Fern to meet you.
It happened

just like she said it did
when-when she read my tea leaves.

Uh, let me look into
your future, my dear.

Oh, I see a great opportunity
ahead for you.

You're going to appear on
a television program.

Hey, that's right. She told me about that.
She's gonna be on The Amateur Hour.

And you'll be appearing
with a young man.

You'll be a great success.
And that young man is you, young man!

Me? No, it can't be me.

I'm a member of a group;
I'm a Monkee.

Yes, yes, of course.

Couldn't you just do
it for me this Sunday?

Well, we don't have
another job, so-

Oh, thank you, Davy.

- Hi Davy.
- Hey, Davy, what's happening?

Hiya, fellas!
Hey, hey, guess-guess what?

Fern and I are going to be
on The Amateur Hour on TV.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Hey! What, what?
Come on, fellas.

No way, Charlie.
I'm sorry, Davy.

I'm only trying to help her.

Yeah, right, we understand.

Alright, fellas, you asked for it.

A man in love has the
strength of thousands.

Come on, Fern. Let's rehearse.

Phone's ringing.

Hello?

Is Mrs. Badderly there?

No, she isn't.

Eh, would you give her a message?

This is Mr. Hack
of The Amateur Hour.

I'd like her to know that
her daughter and

Mr. Jones are scheduled for
last on our Sunday night's show.

Okay, I'll tell her.

That was The Amateur Hour.

I'm supposed to tell
the tea leaf lady that

her daughter and Davy are
scheduled to appear last.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Her daughter and Davy?!

Ah, well, before we present our
first gifted amateur of the evening,

remember that it's your phoned-in
votes that's gonna give

this amateur a win tonight and
give him a big boost in his career.

And now, for our first amateur,
for all of you magic lovers,

The Astonishing Pietro.

Thank you, thank you,
the magic of the pasteboards.

Yes, you'll notice that
my fingers never leave my hand.

Thank you very much, ladies and...

for my next trick,

a bird, a real live bird,
ladies and gentlemen

the dove, the bird of peace.

I have placed the bird in the bag.
I am going to make the bird disappear.

I blow up the bag.

For my next trick, milk.

I pour this, uh, generous,
wholesome milk into this hat.

And now, ladies and gentlemen.
No milk.

Thank you. Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.

And that's The Astonishing Pietro.

Thank you, thank you, Pietro.

Our next contestant on your TV

amateur hour is a very
gifted folk singer,

and here he is,
Billy Roy Hodstetter.

Thank you very much, Mr. Hack.

? You and I travel to the
beat of a different drum ?

? Can't you tell by the way I run ?

? Every time you make eyes at me ?

? Ooh, you cry and moan and
say we'll work out ?

? But, honey child, I've got my doubts ?

? You can't see the forest
for the trees ?

? Don't get, don't get me,
don't get me wrong ?

? Goodbye, I'm a-leaving ?

? I see no sense in your
crying and grieving ?

? We'd both live a lot longer
if you live without me, babe ?

Thank you, thank you,
Billy Roy.

And now, our next
contestant is a fellow,

well, well, I know he's
just gonna make you laugh.

He's the master of
impersonation, Locksley Mendoza.

How are you, ladies and germs?
Ha ha! How are you there, Mr. Hack?

I don't want to say he's fat, but,
uh, when he sits around the house,

he sits around the house, ha ha.

That reminds me of a friend of mine.

Spent a thousand dollars
looking up his family tree,

discovered he was a sap!
Uh! Get it? Sap? Tree?

A ha! Well, I wanna tell you
about my-over here, camera.

I want to tell you about my family now.

Now, take my wife. Please, take my wife.

Oh, my wife. She talks so much,
I sent her to Florida last week,

she came back with a
burnt tongue. Get it?

Oh, that's beautiful, huh?
My wife, she has a button nose.

It buttons to her lower lip!

I bought her a mink outfit the
other day, a r*fle, and a trap!

Get it? r*fle, trap, mink outfit?
You like that one?

I've got more, plenty more.
I've got millions of 'em, baby.

Yes, sir, yes, sir.
How do you like that?

For my first impression,
ladies and gentlemen,

I would like to do my impression
of the inimitable James Cagney.

Uh! You're the rat that
k*lled my brother!

Ha! One moment, don't go away!

Got another one. Now my
impression of the great,

the famous, Edward G. Robinson! Uh!

You're the rat that k*lled my brother!

You like that one?
I've got a better one!

Now, the cl*max of my whole
thing is the great Harvey Needleman.

Don't go away!

You're the rat that k*lled my brother!

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen!

Thank you, baby, thank you
very much, ladies and gentlemen!

Ah, bye-bye now! Ha ha!

Thank you, Locksley Mendoza.

Very, very funny.
"Man of a thousand voices".

Hey, mister, here's
something for your throat.

What? Thank you.

Thank you, tha-thanks.

Oh, I think that's us.
We're on.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

here's the last contestants
of the evening:

that adorable twosome,
Fern and Davy.

? First you say you will ?

? And then you don't ?

? Then you say you will ?

? And then you won't ?

? It's undecided now ?

? So what are you gonna do? ?

? Da da-da dum ?

? And then you say you will ?

? And then you won't ?

? It's undecided now ?

? So what are you gonna do? ?

Then you say you won't.
Then you will?

Oh!

You messed it all up!
What's wrong with you?

You got rocks in your pockets?

Thank you, uh, th-thank, uh,
thank you Fern, Fern and Davy, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Ah!

Baby, baby, it's alright, baby.

To think I let my daughter get
involved with such a no-talent kid. Punk!

Oh!

Her daughter?

So, ladies and gentlemen,

we return with onemore act after
a word from our sponsor.

Their sponsor?

Our sponsor.

- Our sponsor.
- Our sponsor.

Sdrawkcab is superior to
those products that contain iron.

Sdrawkcab contains aluminum.

Oh, iron is fine, but
remember, iron can rust.

Sdrawkcab spelled backwards
means, is backwards.

Baby, don't cry.

Here's The Monkees.

I thought love was only
true in fairytales

Meant for someone
else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted
all my dreams

Then I saw her face,
now I'm a believer

Not a trace of
doubt in my mind

I'm in love, I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

I thought love was more
or less a givin' thing

Seems the more I
gave the less I got

What's the use in trying?
All you get is pain

When I needed
sunshine I got rain

Then I saw her face,
now I'm a believer

Not a trace of
doubt in my mind

I'm in love,
I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted
all my dreams

Then I saw her face,
now I'm a believer

Not a trace of
doubt in my mind

I'm in love,
I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

Yes I saw her face,
now I'm a believer

Not a trace of
doubt in my mind

Said I'm a believer,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I'm a believer

- I'm a believer
- I'm a believer

Curses!
Foiled by The Monkees!

Um, the whole thing was,
you know, kind of a con job.

Uh, Miss Badderly wanted you
to help launch her daughter's career,

and we tried to tell you, but, uh-

It was my own fault, Mike.

I shouldn't have believed in
those stupid tea leaves.

Oh!

And now, the vote,
ladies and gentlemen,

to see which gifted amateur has
his chance to go on to stardom.

The winners tonight-

No, baby, no.

Fern and Davy!