01x18 - I Was a Teenage Monster

[bunniefuu]

This place looks like it was
condemned before it was built.

It looks like a high rise garbage dump.

What kind of place is this?

- Knock.
- Okay.

Come in, come in.
I've been expecting you.

Ha ha ha. Hello. Huh.

Hi, hi, there. Huh.
Wow, that's, that's a...

Hello, we're, uh, we're the,
we're The Monkees.

Yes. So I surmised.
I am Doctor Mendoza.

Well, uh, Doctor Mendoza,
heh heh, where are all the people?

We're supposed to play
for a party, aren't we?

Oh, no. You were misinformed. No.

Well, what-what are we doing here?

I want you to teach.
I would like you so much to teach.

Teach who? You?

No, no, no. Not me.
Uh, a youngster.

Oh, please. We have such
huge hopes for him.

Well, if it's a youngster,
that's-sure, it's okay with me.

Good, good, good.
I'm delighted.

Oh, guh!

Ah!

Master, a moment?

Yes, yes, certainly.
Excuse me, please.

You don't suppose he's the pupil?

I don't know.

Everything is in readiness, master.

Good, good.
We will create the greatest

rock and roll singer in
the world. Heh heh heh.

Here we come
Walkin' down the street

We get the funniest looks from
Ev'ry one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly
Come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation
And we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
You never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready,

We may be comin' to your town

The Monkees brought
to you by Kellogg's

? K-E double L, O double good,
Kellogg's best to you ?

Um, um, Doctor Mendoza?
I-I sort of assume

that you want us to teach
your friend rock and roll.

That's right. Rock and roll really
appeals to the little monster.

Oh, it's a child.
Is he your son?

Well, yes, I guess you could
say he is my own flesh and blood.

Ha! h* h* h* h*. Come,
we must meet it... him.

You know, there are overtones
of this thing I don't like.

Don't you get it? It's a joke, man.
"Own flesh and blood". It's a joke.

Oh, yeah. Ha ha.

Yeah, well, uh, where is he?

Yeah, where is the little monster?

Here he is.

Ah!

Ah!

The little monster
is a little monster.

His antenna picks up your voices.

- Listen, uh, buh, uh, we gotta split.
- Rehearse! Rehearse!

We gotta rehearse. Yeah, bye.

Wait! Haste makes waste.

Look, doctor, um, uh, you can't really, uh,
expect us to teach a monster to sing.

He's not a monster;
he's a machine.

Well, we can't tutor
a computer. A ha ha.

Fellas, I find it hard to
believe he's dangerous.

I find it very hard to believe Peter.

He wouldn't hurt a fly.

Let's, uh, catch one and find out.

I beg, I beg. No,
science must be served.

Doctor, I cannot risk the
lives of myself and

my men for such a
foolhardy experiment,

and for such a pittance of a
sum as a hundred dollars.

- I'll make it two hundred.
- You're on.

Science must be served!

Good. My android already knows
a little music. Sing!

Goorah!

Goorah! Goorah!

I taught him that myself.
It's an old Transylvanian folk song.

Hey, what do you suppose that means?

Jimmy crack corn and I don't care.

Wait, don't do that!

Why not?

Well, uh, his, uh, pants'll
fall down, yeah.

Well, I think I leave you
now to get acquainted.

Oh, ha ha.

Oh!

Monster, Monkees.

Don't leave!

Hi there.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-achoo!

Gesundheit.

I have a feeling we shouldn't
have taken this job.

You said, you said that
if I made dinner every

night and made my bed, I could have a pet.

Alright, but the first day you
don't feed it, back he goes.

We better try and win his confidence.

Yeah.

Boy, fellas, it's really amazing
to think that a monster was

created in this very
laboratory-what's the matter?

You almost dropped his mother.

First, first, we gotta get him a name.

How about Frankie Frankenstein?

I can see it now in lights,
all the way around the mausoleum.

No, Frankenstein isn't a
good name for a singer;

it doesn't even sound Italian.

No, no, I'll tell you what's
wrong with him.

I'll tell you, man,
it's his image.

Don't do that.

First, the Beatle haircut.

Uh-huh. Dark glasses.

Uh, some groovy clothes.

And a guitar.

There. Now how does it look?

It looks like a long-haired,
near-sighted monster with a guitar.

Well, now the first thing you
gotta do is to learn to move.

See, like you, right?

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

More. More. Good, like...

No. it's gotta be really big, man,
like, you know. Yeah, that's right.

Well, everyone has his own style.

Now, now, you see, in
the art of drumming,

it's an art, and-and the trick
is to be very gentle.

You got it? Very gentle. Yeah?
Good. Okay, ready now?

I'll give you the down beat.
A one, a two, a one, two, three!

Man, that's some style.
Where do you keep your brains?

Goorah! Goorah!

Yeah, well, you know,
he's not half bad.

He's great!

Well, my friends, you have done well.

Oh, yeah, well, we got him kind of
squared away from an instrument standpoint,

um, but we still haven't done
anything with his voice.

Uh, we'll come back and work
on that in the morning.

Oh, oh, oh, I could not
let you leave so late.

The mountain roads are
hazardous at this hour.

You will be my guests for the night,

then you start again fresh
in the morning, huh?

Groot!

This is my valet, Groot.

I live to grovel.

Do not be deceived by Groot's
humble appearance;

he is of a very ancient family.

Yeah, descended in a direct line
from Jack the Ripper. A ha ha ha ha.

Groot, show them to their rooms.

Yeah. Come. Come.

A one, a two, a three, a four!

Goorah!

Oh! Hey, look, fellas.
All the comforts of home.

Yeah, your home, shotgun, not mine.

Not too tight.

They're in their room, master.

Excellent. Now we are ready
to take the final step,

to transfer the voices of
The Monkees into the android.

How will you do this, master?

Oh, it's very simple; we merely
unite the frontal lobes with

coaxial conduits and force the
cerebellum to proliferate its reflexes.

You understand, Groot?

All except the last part, master.

What last part?

The part after "It's very simple".

You know, we've really gotta
get out of this place;

Doctor Mendoza gives me the willies.

Hey, what does this door lead to?

Who, uh, who, uh, I don't, uh...

Who in the world are you?

I am the doctor's beautiful daughter.

Oh. Huh. Uh, buh, well, what do
you have to do with all this?

Nothing; I'm in the sequel.

Oh. Ha ha. Anyway.
What, uh.

Oh, this whole place is too weird.

I think two hundred dollars is not
going to do us any good if we're dead.

No, man; we should have
asked for two fifty.

I'll turn on the TV.
We'll relax.

He's on a table.
What does it mean?

It means I have discovered
the secret of

placing the brain of a man
into the body of an ape.

But, father, there are some things
that a man was not meant to tamper with.

Father, please don't do that.

Now, daughter, watch me while
I prepare for an astounding operation.

I really need this, man.

This isn't bad considering,
is it, Davy? Davy? Davy? Davy?

Oh, I am, I am.

Davy?

What does it mean?

Forget it, Mike. You know how
Davy gets when he watches TV.

Right, babe? Mike? Mike?

Mike? Uh, Mike? Ah!

Gee, I wish I had my own room.
Micky? Mike? Mike? Davy

Where are you all? Come on, you guys.
This is no-hey! Come on!

Ah, now I show these fools
who laughed at me.

We are ready for the last stage
of the experiment:

the transfer of musical ability
from one body to another.

Ahh.

Hey, doctor, you know, if we die,

you could go to the chair for this.

h* h* h*. There is very little
danger of your dying;

Godfrey von Schnitzler says this
type of experiment need not be fatal.

Who is the world is
Godfrey von Schnitzler?

Oh, you know Godfrey. He's a
little boy that lives down the hill.

You know, it's all very simple,
this transfer of

electrical current from
one brain to another.

Uh, for example, Groot, uh,
hand me any two wires.

Yeah, so.

Groot! You forgot to
turn off the current!

Wah! Now, start building up the
electrode pressure. Hm hm hm! h* h*!

Oh, ooh! Oh! Hey, Doctor Mendoza,
how's my head gonna feel in the morning?

Oh, fine. You won't have any headache.

That's good. Ooh!

Of course, you won't be able to make
a fist for three weeks. Ha ha ha ha!

Please, please-oh, sorry-please
get it over with. Oh!

Relax. My electricity gets into the
bloodstream seconds faster than aspirin.

Now turn the coaxial knob to full.

Full!

The input output to whatever.

Whatever!

Okay. Move the pointer to mellow!

Mellow!

Mellow?

And now we are ready
for the final stage.

The final burst of electrical
energy that

will transfer their musical
skills into the android.

I throw the switch!

Alright, boys. Now, sing!

? Here we come ?
? Walking down the street ?

? We get the funniest looks from ?

? Everyone we meet ?

? Hey, hey, we're The Monkees ?
? And people say we monkey around ?

? Here we come ?
? Walking down the street ?

? We get the funniest looks from ?
? Everyone we meet ?

? Hey, hey, we're The Monkees ?
? And people say we monkey around ?

? But we're too busy singing ?
? To put anybody down ?

Hey, Peter, are you okay?

Well, this, this one tooth
has been acting up,

but the dentist said he could file
it down and put a temporary crown on it.

Okay, doc, maybe you got
away with it this time.

When we get out of here, the police
are gonna make you very sorry, fella!

I think not. When you
return to your room,

you will remember nothing
that has taken place.

I will too!

You will remember nothing.

I will remember nothing.

You will remember nothing.

I will remember nothing.

You will remember nothing.

I will remember nothing.

You will remember nothing.

I will remember nothing.

I will remember nothing.

Not you! Take them to their
rooms. In the morning,

we start the last experiment:
whether the monster can fool an audience.

- Well, good morning, everybody.
- Morning.

You are feeling alright?

Oh, yeah, thank you very m-oh,
fine? I feel wonderful.

- Not bad. Not bad.
- All ready to play, yes?

Yeah.

Alright, let's begin the experiment.

Okay, uh, Micky-experiment?
Uh, one, two, three, nine, seven.

? I'm gonna pack up all the pain ?
? Gonna keep it in my heart ?

? I'm gonna keep the
pain in my heart ?

? Keep it in my heart ?

? Hey, hey, hey, tomorrow's- ?

Gentlemen, when I retained you,
I thought you were musicians.

Oh, well, we-

Now I shall have to ask
for my money back.

You don't understand-

We are.

We usually play, you know,
we play pretty good.

Yeah, we play-I, I don't care what-

Really, man. I don't understand.

But wait a minute,
I think, yes, see here.

Wait, gentlemen! Wait! You are about to

witness the world premiere
of my latest invention,

which you yourselves helped to
create more than you know.

And here he is,
the swinging android.

? I'm gonna pack up all the pain ?
? Gonna keep it in my heart ?

? I'm gonna catch me the fastest train
I'm gonna make me a brand new start ?

? Well, that's okay ?

? Tomorrow's gonna be another day ?

But it's great.

It's pretty good, I guess.

Good luck. See you later.

By George, you did it.
By George, you did it.

They said I couldn't do it.

But you did it.

You know, I don't understand it.

That monster was
singing with our voice,

and we couldn't even
carry a tune in a bucket.

Hey! I got it! I remember!
The laboratory!

So do I! They drained us of
our musical ability,

and then they made us forget it.

Come on, let's take a look at the lab.

Yeah. Wait, uh...

Listen.
Your father stole our

voices and gave 'em to that monster.
Now what do you think of that?

Wait'll you see the sequel.
The vampire turns Davy into a werewolf.

I don't want to hear it. Oh!

Hey, the doctor's not here;
we gotta work fast.

Well, what do we do? What?

Um, wait. You think you can figure
out how to put this thing in reverse?

Yeah, it's a cinch, man.

Then do it.

Okay, Mick, throw the switch.

Okay, ready? A heh.

Start all over again.

Come, Groot. We must
check the android.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
who is the evilest one of all?

Doctor Franz Schwibel of
Dusseldorf Germany.

But I thought it was me.

You are only second best;
you'll have to try harder.

And don't yell at me;
I only work here.

Well, I think I've got that
gizmo wired straight this time,

but it could be dangerous, guys.

Yeah, well, I'm very fatalistic.

Huh?

Well, I figure either an electrode's
got my name on it or it hasn't.

Oh. Huh. Well, when
I throw the switch,

it should reverse the process
and transfer the monster'

musical ability back to us.
Are you ready?

Okay, ready.

- You're ready now, huh?
- Yeah, I'm ready.

- Here goes.
- Wait!

- Huh?
- Okay, I'm ready.

Okay, here goes.

Groovy, man. That's not my bag.
Don't get uptight.

Hey, he's become a hippie.

Let's split. Go to my pad.
That's where it's at. Groovy? Dig?

Oh, great. Now we got a super
hippie on our hands.

Hello?
It's for you, master.

She says it's vitally important.

Hello, this is Doctor Mendoza.

No, madam, we are not interested
in bossa nova lessons.

Hold it, guys, I-I think I
got it now. Just a minute.

Ah! Okay, here goes.

Okay, Mike, how do you feel?

k*ll! k*ll!

Hey, Micky! What you've
done to Mike?

Yeah, his, uh, voice isn't
usually that deep, is it?

Now that you've made
the singing android,

will you not do as you promised and
turn me into a tall, strong monster?

Yes, Groot. I shall turn
you into a vampire.

Oh, but you promised to
make me into a wolf man.

Alright. I'll make you
into a wolf man.

Oh, good. Although,
vampires are nice.

Okay, I think I got it.
I think I got it this time.

Ready? Here goes nothing.

Okay, Mr. Monster, are you back to normal?

I would do this room in
French Provincial.

No, Micky. What is this called?

The color scheme should be
lavender and puce. Or this.

Ha ha. Oh, sorry about
that. Ha ha ha.

I, you see, the dials were...
uh, listen, guys, honest,

I'll get it this time.
Really, it's very simple,

all I gotta do is adjust this
one dial over here on the board, I-oh!

What was that?

So, you will undo all my work?

Curse you, Red Baron!

Android, I'm your master.
k*ll The Monkees!

Android! Andy! Andy, wait!
I'm Peter, your friend.

The doctor is an evil man.
He wants to exploit you.

You're only a pawn in his hands,
a tool for his avaricious ambition.

"Avaricious ambitions"?
Where did he get that?

- It's in the script.
- Are you sure?

- Yeah, on page twenty-eight.
- Oh.

Besides, he wants sixty
percent of your income.

Sixty percent!

No, android! I am your master,

and I only want twenty-five
percent. k*ll that Peter.

No, android, wait!
He's a bad man!

k*ll Peter!

The doctor!

Peter.

The doctor.

Peter.

The doctor.

Peter.

The doctor.

Peter.

She knows her mind all right,
your auntie Grizelda,

She says she knows my kind,
she might, maybe so

Oh, yeah, she's raised you right,
your auntie Grizelda,

You only know the things
she wants you to know

I know she's having a fit,
She doesn't like me a bit,

No bird of grace ever lit
on auntie Grizelda

You can't begrudge her style,
your auntie Grizelda,

She couldn't budge a
smile and do it for free

So righteous making fudge,
your auntie Grizelda,

So proper judging
others over her tea

You look just like her you do,
I know by looking at you,

That you've been listening
to your auntie Grizelda

Oh, no, don't look at
me like auntie Grizelda

It takes much more to
be someone of your own

You've got to make it
free from auntie Grizelda

Or just like her you'll
have to make it alone

I know she's having a fit,
She doesn't like me a bit,

No bird of grace ever
lit on auntie Grizelda

Auntie Grizelda,
auntie Grizelda

Auntie Grizelda,
auntie Grizelda

Uh, that's right, officer,
it's the, uh, big,

scary looking house on the
very top of the hill.

Uh-huh? Oh. Well, just a second,
I have to check.

Uh, hey, Doctor Mendoza,
what's the name of this street?

Rosebud Lane.

Rosebud... I thought that
was the name of a sled.

It's, uh, Rosebud Lane. Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't believe it
either. Okay. Later.

Now, don't worry, guys, man,
I reversed the doctor's process,

and we've regained all
our musical talents.

I certainly hope we didn't
lose any in the wiring.

Yeah, we don't have any to spare.

Relax, I know all about
this electrical jazz.

We're perfectly alright.
Come on. Come on, I'll show you.

Pick up the stuff and
let's play something.

Are you all ready?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

A one, a two, a one, two, three!