01x24 - Monkees à la Mode

[bunniefuu]

One minute to air?
One minute to air!

One minute to air!
One minute to air!

One minute and air!
One minute to air, Captain.

How do I look, Howard?

Oh, beautiful, beautiful.

Don't lie to me, Howard.

Hey, look out, guys.

Hold it.

So this is the world
of television.

Well, that's funny; it doesn't
look like a vast wasteland.

One minute to air!
One minute to air!

Um, excuse me.
Uh, we're The Monkees,

and we're supposed
to be on the show.

Just wait right here.
The Monkees are here now, Captain.

Oh, very good. Very good.
Well, so, uh, you're The Monkees.

Yeah, we-we're gonna
sing on your TV show.

Oh, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.

Quick, Howard. Show them,
show them where to stand.

Alright, this way.
Come on, boys.

Come on, quickly. Alright,
you stand right there,

right there, beautiful, beautiful.

Uh, uh, just a minute.
What's our music cue?

I-hey, what is this?

What is this? Insulation?

We're supposed to be playing-

Don't-don't hurt my hat!
Don't hurt it.

I can't play my drums.
I got to have a, uh-

What's going on here?

Are they all set?

Oh, yes, Captain.

So the Monkees want to work on
my show, huh? We'll see about that.

Please, kiddies, settle down.
No! Over here.

Five, four...

Will somebody keep those
rotten kids-yuh,

huh, hi there, kids!
It's Captain Crocodile time!

Yay!

Brrp! Brrp! Brrp
Oh-h*! Hhh! Ha ha!

And that means it's time for fun!

Fun!

And fun!

Fun!

And fun!

Fun!

And fun!

Fun!

Ha ha ha ha! It's fun!

Here we come
Walkin' down the street

We get the funniest looks from
Ev'ry one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly
Come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation
And we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
You never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready,

We may be comin' to your town

Um, uh, hello. We're
The Monkees, and, uh,

we got a telegram from Mr. Pinter
that, uh, he wanted to see us.

May I see the wire?

No, Peter, not that wire.

It's gone!

Peter, here it is.
That's the wire.

I'll tell Mr. Pinter you're here.
Wait here a moment, please.

This guy must be important.
Man, we're on the road to success.

Yeah, we're almost at the heights.

We're nearly at the top of the heap.

It's all downhill from here.

Mr. Pinter will see you now.

Come in, come in.
I'm Junior Pinter.

I'm in charge of The
Captain Crocodile Show.

You've got to be putting us on.

You think I'm short?

Well, uh, no.
Where'd you get that idea?

From people who are taller than I am.

You know, I think he's
quite tall meself.

You would.

Take a seat, gentlemen.

Take a seat. Alrighty.
Here I go taking-

What are you-hey.
Take two; they're small.

Oh.

Put it down. It's a little
toy office. Ha ha ha.

I think it's nice.

Yeah.

Gentlemen.

What, no cookies?

No, uh. We're on the milk wagon.

Gentlemen.

Thanks, I needed that.

Alright, we're all men here, so
I guess I can come right to the point.

What's that?

Uh, uh, this helps me think.
Men, I have a proposition for you.

Oh, really? Hey.

What?

I would like you to appear on
television on a regular basis.

Oh, that's fine, thank you.

On The Captain Crocodile Show.

Bye!

Wait a minute. What's wrong
with The Captain Crocodile Show?

Well, nothing, if you
like a pie in your face.

Wait a minute. I'll call
the president of the network.

Get me Australia.
Hello, Sydney?

Man, it takes me ten minutes
to get a dial tone.

Let me speak to daddy.

Did he say "daddy"?

Daddy? Junior. Remember that
show you gave me for my birthday?

The Monkees refuse to appear on it.

Right, dad. I'll handle it
like a real executive.

And, dad, don't forget to
bring me my panda bear.

Men, I guarantee there will
be no more pies in the face,

and you will sing. Alright?

- Hey, great. Yeah, fine.
- Oh, terrific.

Now, let's play hide and seek.
I'm it. One, two, three, four, five...

...six, seven, eight,
nine, ten, eleven...

- Who's hide?
- You Hyde; I'm Jekyll.

Hello out there, all you small folks.
This is your buddy, Captain Crocodile-

Quick, Howard, help me!

Captain Crocodile!
Captain Crocodile!

Howard, I want you to look
at this memo from Junior.

Look at that, Howard.
They're easing me out.

No! No, they can't
ease you out, Captain.

Oh, you mark my words.

You're a living legend!

No, mark my words, Howard;
they're gonna ease me out.

I look tired. Well, they'll be sorry
they ever tangled with Captain Crocodile.

Listen to this, Howard.
When The Monkees first show,

hear me good, this is
what we're gonna do.

This is gonna be good, Howard.
Laugh it up. Ha ha ha ha.

You see, I'm laughing already.

Okay, okay, we only got a
few minutes to air time.

Now, there's one thing
that's very important.

Micky, come here. You gotta
learn how to work to the right camera.

You gotta play it, right?
Stand right over here.

We'll have a dry run.
Just stand there.

Here he is, kids,
Micky Dolenz! You're on.

Hi, kids, huh, I was born in Los-

No, no, over here.

Oh, I was born in Los Angeles,
and I came, uh-

No, over here. Over this way.

And I studied at the San-

Now watch the light.

I went to, uh, Grant High School,
and hi k-everybody at Grant High.

Number two.

And I went to... over here?

I always wanted to be a drummer
since I was a little-

- No, over there.
- A little-

Over here.

Uh, kid, I wanted to play the
drums, and so I got a-oh.

Pick up your drumsticks!

Got my-I p-

Yeah, that's right. You're
doing fine. Keep talking!

The light, the light,
look at the light!

- The other camera?
- Over that way.

The red light's on that one.

- Back up.
- Huh?

No, come closer.
You're too far away.

Closer?

No, no, back forward.
You're too close!

Get back! Move back!
No, no, no.

Stay right there.
Move-a this way.

Good, good. Cut! Cut!

Very good. The important
thing is, you were relaxed.

Hi, kids. Well, it's the moment
you've all been waiting for;

The Monkees are gonna sing for you.

And now, here they are:
The Monkees!

Yay!

And now let's pay a visit to the
Captain's birthday house. Hee hee! Heh!

And now, here they are again,
that wonderful fun group: The Monkees!

Yay!

One!

Two, three!

Thank you, boys.

Now here they are again,
back to entertain you,

hee-hee hee-hee:
The Monkees!

Yay!

And once again,
we present: The Monkees!

Yay!

One, two, one, two, three and-

Hey, come here. Listen.
Either you let us play or we quit.

Who's stopping you?
Go ahead and play.

Play all you want.
Hm hm hm hm!

Valleri

I love my Valleri

There's a girl I know who
makes me feel so good

And I wouldn't live without her,
even if I could

They call her Valleri

I love my Valleri

Oh yeah, come on

She's the same little girl who
used to hang around my door

But she sure looks different
than the way she looked before

I call her Valleri

I love my Valleri

Valleri

I love my Valleri

Valleri

I love my Valleri

Well, that was it. How did it go?
How did it go? How did it go?

How did what go? We've been
off the air for five minutes.

Oh, come on, Pete. Don't cry.

But we were gonna be a
big success on television.

Hey, come on, Pete, man.

There's other shows besides
Captain Crocodile, right, huh?

Sure.

Sure, we can be a hit
on some other show.

You really think so?

Sure! Now, just imagine...

Good evening, this is Chett Hinkley.

And David Bruntley.

And Brett ch*nk.

And Chuck Hankley.

And this is Dank Barkley.

And Chuck Weekly.

And Choller Walltight.

And Hank Chuckley.

And this is John Smith.

And... John Smith?

Now here's your weather
forecaster, Tex Nesmith.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

I am Tex Nesmith.
I'm your weather forecaster.

United States Weather Bureau
today from Washington, D.C.,

reports that a northern
wind and northern

squall storm is building up
just south of our,

north of our hometown, hm hm,

and it will be coming down here
about three thirty this afternoon.

However, our latest reports indicate
that the storm has been quelled by a

southern high pressure front
arising from the Gulf of Mexico.

So today should be
sunny and bright and clear.

Now, the Gulf of Mexico weather
report here today says that

the day will be beautiful and
clear and sunshiny and cloudy.

So pack it up with your
friends and take

a drive and go anywhere
you want to go.

So remember, this is Tex Nesmith
saying have a wonderful weekend.

Enjoy yourself. Everything will
be bright and sunny and clear.

Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Mike Nesmith, and on
my left is the delightful

and charming personality David Jones.

Thank you, Mike.

No sweat.

And on my left is the charming
and delightful Peter Tork.

Thank you, David.
And on my charming and

delightful is the left
moderator, Micky Dolenz.

Thank you, my charming panel.

And now let's play
What's My Scene?

Will our first contestant
enter and sign in please?

This game isn't any fun.
Let's play To Tell a Fib.

My name is David Jones.

My name is David Jones.

My name is David Jones.

Will the real David
Jones please stand up?

I am standing up.

Hey, the caper's perfect.

It's almost foolproof.

Ah, it's almost foolproof.

Yeah, well, I don't think
we have any-huh?

Oh, yeah! Ain't nobody
gonna stop us now.

No one except Frogman.

And Reuben the Tadpole.

Don't you think we oughta
ruin some furniture?

Oh, the furnit-you mean
chairs and stuff?

- Yeah, the, uh-
- Oh, okay. Sure.

- All ready?
- Yes.

Kretch?

Holy frogs' legs!
That really makes me mad.

Thus shall it ever be when men
of evil oppose the forces

of goodness and sweetness and
niceness. Crime does not-

Not pay.

- That's my line.
- That's my line.

- Crime does not-
- Crime does not pay.

No, it's my line.

In the script, it
said it's my line.

- My line, man.
- Crime-

- Crime does not-
- Do that once more.

Crime does not-crime-

That's what I said,
folks; crime doesn't pay.

Those Monkees are gonna take over
my audience, and the network,

the network, Howard,
is going to ease me out. Unless...

Yes, Captain?

Evil thoughts, Howard.
Nasty, evil thoughts.

Men, the station has
received twenty-seven

letters from people who hate you.

All those people hate us?

They're all in crayon.

The programming chief, J.J. Pontoon,

has called a special meeting
today to discuss the problem.

"Arrogant egomaniacs".

"Long-haired weirdos".

"Loathsome teenagers."

"Delightful and well-bred."

Who wrote that?

My mother.

Now, gentlemen, the purpose of
today's meeting is to decide whether

the Monkees should continue to
appear on The Captain Crocodile Show.

So, let's run it up the antenna
and check the reception.

Good morning, good morning,
good morning, good morning,

good morning, good morning, gentlemen.

How are you? Good morning.
I'm from the Nelson Polling Service.

Since you've had The Monkees
on the Crocodile Show,

your ratings have risen forty-five

percent with a sixty-two
share of two hundred

scale of thirty-two
point six coverage

of the three to fourteen
year old age bracket.

That's adjusting for the forty-three
percentile sweep of the thirty city sector.

Know what that means?
I'll tell you what it means.

It means that thirty-six million
people are watching The Monkees.

We can tell from our sampling.

How many people were
in your sampling?

Fourteen. Uh.

Fourteen?

Well, thirteen's an unlucky number.

Hello. I'm the kindly little
old building janitor,

and I just wanted to tell you that
I've got twelve grandchildren at home,

and they all watch the show just
because The Monkees is on it.

This is ridiculous.

Let the man speak.
Now, before the Monkees appeared,

did your grandchildren
ever watch the show?

Oh, no, no. I've seen it once.
I 'member seeing it well.

I watched it for about five minutes,
then I thought to myself,

"Why am I sitting here
watching this show when

I could be out cleaning
garbage cans?"

Garbage cans. It's ridiculous.
Just ridiculous.

Well, what does the opinion
of an old man mean?

It's the kids we want, isn't it?

Th-that's what's most
important in here

is what the kids want.
Right? Heh heh.

Oh, hello, hello. Hi.
I like The Monkees,

and if you take 'em off the air,

I'm gonna hold my breath
'til my face turns blue.

So will I!

Junior!

If The Monkees goes off the air,
I'll never eat my vegetables again.

I love The Monkees! I don't want
you to take The Monkees away.

I love The Monkees!

[chattering]

Silence! Gentlemen, please.
Will you please clear the room?

And the executive committee will
have made a decision by this afternoon.

We haven't got much time,
Howard. Call the Crocodile Corps.

Hi kids.
Who do you love the most?

Captain Crocodile!

Would you do anything
for the Captain?

Anything!

Even though it's dirty and rotten?

Yes!

Well, then get The Monkees.
Sic 'em! Sic 'em!

Yay!

She knows her mind all right,
your auntie Grizelda,

She says she knows my kind,
she might, maybe so

Oh, yeah, she's raised you right,
your auntie Grizelda,

You only know the things
she wants you to know

I know she's having a fit,
She doesn't like me a bit,

No bird of grace ever lit
on auntie Grizelda

You can't begrudge her style,
your auntie Grizelda,

She couldn't budge a
smile and do it for free

So righteous making fudge,
your auntie Grizelda,

So proper judging
others over her tea

You look just like her you do,
I know by looking at you,

That you've been listening
to your auntie Grizelda

Oh, no, don't look at
me like auntie Grizelda

It takes much more to
be someone of your own

You've got to make it
free from auntie Grizelda

Or just like her you'll
have to make it alone

I know she's having a fit,
She doesn't like me a bit,

No bird of grace ever
lit on auntie Grizelda

Auntie Grizelda,
auntie Grizelda

Auntie Grizelda,
auntie Grizelda

Wait, wait, wait! Would
you like to hear a story?

Yeah!

I-I got a story here.

Bu-but that's a dictionary.

Shh! Uh, we'll hear a
story now. Ready, kids?

Uh, let's see here. All sit
down there. And, uh, great. Ha ha.

Well, ha, here's the story.

Once upon a time in the land
of Kirshner, there was,

uh, a handsome prince in love
with a frog and three little pigs,

and he didn't know how he would
get through the forest

'cause the wicked grandmother
had given him a poison apple.

So, he was walking through
the forest, and, uh,

with goodies in a,
in a basket, and, uh...

And, uh, he came across
the wicked stepladder-

Right.

who, uh, who was, uh, pretty, um,

tall because of all the
rungs, and then, she said,

uh, "You rang?" and he said,
"Sure, the rungs are" uh,

because he had this
basket of goodies and, uh...

He looked at the basket
of goodies and, uh,

started walking towards the
little Snow White's little

house where the, where the
six, uh, midgets lived with-

- Seven.
- the four frogs.

Seven midgets
with the four frogs,

and the toadstools were beginning to,

to look bad, because,
um, Columbus was, uh...

Uh, uh, uh, "Commando: Allied troop in
unit in Wuh-Wuh Two. Commedia dell'arte:

a kind of comedy descended from the Rome

comedies of Plautus and Terence,
presented by, it reached its..."

No, no, no, no! What are
you doing, you rotten kids?

You're ruining my master plan!
I said sic 'em, not love 'em!

You double-crossing brats!
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

[yelling]

Five, four, three, two, one.

Hi, g*ng! It's Monkee Menagerie
time, starring Howie Needleman.

We're The Monkees; you're...

- What is that?
- It's time for fun!

No pies! No pies!

Oh, no, no, no!
Pies are out.

Oh.

Seltzer is in!

Fun! Fun! Fun!
Fun! Fun! Fun!

Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!