02x03 - Everywhere a Sheik, Sheik

[bunniefuu]

Eh, come on in, come on in.
Eh, over here!

Ah, I'm gonna make
stars outta you!

Now you are gonna be perfect!
Heh-heh heh-heh. Who are you?

Well, collectively, we're the Monkees.

Monkees, huh? Good, good.
We want unknowns in this picture.

Harvey, call Cary Grant's agent,
tell him the answer is no, baby.

Cary Grant's agent?

Now, pussycats, we are looking for some
guys to play a group of bank bandits.

Eh, let me see how you look in the part.

Oh. Heh heh.

What do you think, Harvey, baby?

Tough, J.L., real tough.

We wanna see how you guys photograph.
Uh, got any pictures of yourselves?

... Anything just a little more recent?

Oh! Wait.

Alright, hold it right there.

No pictures!
Don't take any pictures here!

Alright, ready?

- Now wait a minute!
- Chh!...

Alright, now I just pull the,
heh, pull the... tab, wait a few seconds,

drop the paper, and I have a clear,
crisp, sharp photo.

New invention of mine.
How do you like it?

Beautiful, beautiful.
Alright, now, today,

pussycats, we are sh**ting
the bank stick-up scene.

Now, I got everything arranged
down at the Ninth National Bank.

All you gotta do is walk in,
hold it up, bring the money back here.

Well, don't you want us to
rehearse or something first?

No! No! That'll make your
performance stale!

Here, here's some lines you can say.

And you can ad-lib the rest.

You can them up.
Reach for the sky! Heh heh!

Let's go, let's go.
Come on, guys, let's go.

We want your money!

Oh, uh, perfect. Listen, we
use the hidden camera technique,

so don't worry if you
don't see a director.

Well, if we do, we won't
tell anybody where he is.

Heh heh, blam.

Let's go, come on, guys.

We want your money.

You think they can really pull it off?
I mean, actually rob a bank?

Who knows, but either way,
we got nothing to lose.

If they make it, we get rich.
If they don't make it, they go to jail!

Here we come
Walkin' down the street

We get the funniest looks from
Ev'ry one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly
Come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation
And we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
You never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready,

We may be comin' to your town

Thank you very much.

[intelligible]

What are you smiling for?

Smile, we're on hidden camera!

I'm go to the window.

So why you up to the sky!

She's pretty good; you
oughta sign her up.

May I help you, sir?

I forgot my line,
what's my line? Quick!

"Hand over fifty thousand dollars in
unmarked, negotiable bills. Small."

Okay. Hand over fifty thousand
dollars in un-nego... negotia...?

Negotionable.

N-negotionable b-bills.

Do you have an account here, sir?

What do I do? What?

"Stick g*n in face."

Stick g*n in face.

Then cut to pan and... no,
no, no, no, no, her face.

Oh, her face. Okay.
Hand over the money.

Uh, well, tens or twenties, huh?

Hey, you guys, this is great!
You really are, you look so scared!

Alright! Open the, open the safe.

I can't, it's on a time lock.
It won't open 'til three o'clock.

Ha. Ha.

Tick tick tick, ding ding ding!

Sixty, seventy, eighty...

Do you think after we finish
sh**ting the picture,

we can go out to dinner?

Do you have an account here, sir?

Hand over the money.

Gonna be stars. Heh.
Uh, the guys, me.

Six hundred.

Are you sure you don't
wanna go out to dinner?

Eh, no, sir, I can't.

Huh, buddy, I'm the robber,
will you please put the...

thing down? Hollywood!

Thousand and thirty.

Forget it, forget it,
forget it, thank you.

You did very well.

Mike, come on. Let's beat the lamb!
I mean let's, uh, get the lamb.

Alright, dirty copper!
You'll never take me alive,

'cause I got your whistle!

- Okay, don't...
- Micky!

...don't anybody move.

- Wait.
- Uh, what is it?

Don't anybody move, and
don't say nothing.

Don't say nothing!

And don't... nobody...

Don't move and don't ever...
and don't move at all.

Hober reeber sacken!

Cut, print it, that's a wrap!

Thanks, thanks, everybody.
We'll see you back at the studio.

Bye. Come in tomorrow seven thirty
through eight o'clock in hairdressing.

Alright, stick 'em up, buddy,
ready to the top.

They're here, they're here!

Hey Pete! Hey, you missed the
big hold-up scene!

Yeah-

Yeah, the movie scene!

I know, man; I went to stage one at
two o'clock instead of stage two at one.

Oh, that's a shame, Peter.

That's okay, J.L.'s gonna write me
into the jewel robbery scene.

Oh, really?

My big stars! How did it go,
sweet hearts?

It was, it was great, you'll have
to re-sh**t one of the scenes,

but beside that, it was just fine.

That's alright! Now here's a
hundred bucks for each of ya...

Oh, thank you very-

...and we'll call tonight about
tomorrow's sh**ting, huh?

Oh, well, alright, we'll just
take this stuff back on the way.

Oh no, no, no, no, no, put it down,
leave that for the prop man.

You guys are gonna be big stars!

Oh!

Ha ha ha, sure!
You're beautiful!

See ya later, J.L., baby.
Come on.

Hey man. Go.
Later, J.L. Right.

Put all the money in the
truck. Come on.

What are you gonna do, boss?

Me? I am going to make a anonymous
phone call to the police.

Alright, Monkees. Come on out.
We know you're in there.

Hey, what do they want us for?

Oh, that library book.
It's a week overdue!

Give us what we want,
and we won't hurt you.

Come on.
Stop fooling around.

Come out with your hands above your
head, or we're coming in after you.

Wow! Hey, fellas, there's policemen
outside with the uniforms

and the badges and
psychedelic lights all over.

Wait a minute.
I know what it is.

- Huh?
- What?

I know what it is. Well, it's
tomorrow's sh**ting, fool.

- Right, of course!
- They're about to give us the-

You! Go in after 'em!

- Go in after 'em!
- Go in after 'em!

- Me?
- You.

- Go?
- Go!

- Me, go?
- Go!

Yes, sir. Oh boy.

They're sending the policeman
over with the script.

The show.

Okay, Monkees, I caught ya red-handed.
Now, follow me and no f-funny business.

Oh, that's terrible!
Oh, that's really bad.

No, if ya, if ya wanna be
a cop, a policeman,

you have to hold the g*n in tight,

and look steely-eyed,
steely-eyed, straight ahead.

Okay, now, hurry up,
and I'm not fooling!

Good, much better.
Now, one more time. Fine, ah.

Probably one of those Method actors.

This film was made with the
bank's hidden camera.

Gee, great, but you
know you didn't have to

send all those policemen
to come get us, huh.

We woulda come down by ourself.

I thought this was gonna be in color!

Hey, if I'da known this was gonna be
black and white, I wouldn'ta done it.

- Hey, look, Mike!
- Yes! It's me! Ooh!

Mike, there you are!

What do you say, it's... Barry
Sullivan maybe? Or Paul Newman?

Would you believe Sonny Tufts?

Maybe, Marlon Brando?

Oh! Oh! Hey, I was pretty good,
I just scared myself right there.

Stick 'em up, stick 'em up,
against the wall.

Very good how I did that there.

Hey look, there I am. See that?

I asked her for a date,
she wouldn't go out with me.

I didn't have enough money.
Ooh, look at that.

See how I'm smiling there at
the camera? Golden teeth. A-heh.

So you admit those three are
you in the picture?

Yeah, but, uh, I'm glad you
cut out the part where I tripped,

'cause that wasn't a very
good scene at all.

Would be as Wally Cox?

Here-here's your popcorn.
I'm sorry I'm late.

Excuse me, Davy. No, I got it.

No, this is the second
scene, this is where

I came in and I tripped,
get way cut that part out.

'Scuse me.

Ma'am, ma'am, I can't see,
I can't see with the hat.

Will you please move out the way?

You want some popcorn, mister?
That's us in the...

Lady in the hat! Hey!
You! You got in the hat!

Alright, cut out the funny business.

What are you gonna say?

Ahh ha. I think with the right
promotion, it'll probably make it.

Get a good, some good
publicity, smashing.

Ah, that's enough for me. With
the film and your own admission, Monkees

I'm booking you for the robbery
of the Ninth National Bank.

Eh? Robber-what? We, this is,
we were making a movie!

Suuure!

We were sh**ting a movie.
Some cat came up and said,

"You wanna sh**t a movie?". We said,

"Yeah, we sh**t a movie".
So we shot a movie.

Suuure.

We-we-we-we-we... we went...
it's the popcorn,

definitely the popcorn.
You okay, Mike? Mike! Mike! Mike!

Alright, my fine feathered Monkees.
Start talking!

- China clipper calling Alameda...
- Mr. Dobalina, Mr. Dob Dobalina...

Nevermind the furthermore
the plea of self-defence...

About the robbery!

Well-well, ya s-see,
it's like I told ya,

but we thought we were,
we were doing a movie.

Still sticking to that story, huh? Well,

if you know what's good for you,
you'll change your tune.

Well, it's like I told ya,
we thought we were doing a movie.

You do that once more, and you're
gonna get the third degree.

Oh! Three degrees! Here's a PHD.

Oh, thank you.

Oh no!

Alright, bring out the light.

Not the light!

Oh! Oh, we might as well get
a suntan while we're here.

Carry on....

Here we are, mini-my-tammy...

Okay, Monkees, are you
ready to spill the beans?

- You think we should?
- Sure, I'm ready to...

Alright, here we go, spill the beans.

Hello, Mike, can you hear me?

Hello, yes, I can-yes, I can,
Micky, are you there?

Alright, throw the book at 'em!

Look it-h*-h*! Uh,
this book's overdue.

How many days?

You're suppose to signal
when you stop.

Hey, guys. Ooh!

- Hi Pete!
- Hey guys!

- Bye.
- Bye.

Cover me, cover me.

- Did you bring the file?
- Did you bring the file?

Ooh, good!

Oh boy!

Thanks a lot, Peter.
Did you get a lawyer? A lawyer?

- Uh-huh.
- Is he good?

He should be; he had the biggest
ad in the classified pages.

Ooh!

Hey guys.
Can I ask you one thing?

What, what-what, Pete?

You didn't do it, did ya?

Yeah, right, yeah, we did it.
No, we did it, Pete, we did it.

Even Peter thinks we're guilty.

I don't think you're guilty;
I just don't see how you

could possibly be innocent.

Oh, here's the lawyer.

I just spoke to the sergeant,
you got nothing to worry about,

it's an open and shut case.
You're guilty.

Yeah, guilty, yeah, yeah right!

Now wait a minute, we're innocent.

No kidding.
How do you like that?

You're the first clients I ever
had that were innocent. Hm!

Well, can you get us off?

With that kind of evidence?
No chance.

Him, maybe with the cute face,
I might be able to get off.

But you two, plead guilty.

[growling]

Wait a minute, we're
all in this together.

Yeah. The three of us
are in this together.

What about me?

Okay, so you wanna plead
innocent, huh? Alright.

My fee is forty thousand
dollars plus car fare.

Forty thousand dollars? Man,
we ain't got that kinda money.

Of course you do; you just a
robbed a bank, didn't ya?

- No, we didn't.
- Ohh.

We gotta get a lawyer.

Better get a lawyer. Ooh!

The next case is the state versus
David Jones, Micky Dolenz,

and Michael Nesmith. Gentlemen,
are you represented by council?

Yeah, yes, ma'am, your majesty,
queen, your honorship.

Your regency, uh, madam,
your ladyship there.

- Your honor, will do.
- Yes, your honor will do.

- And who is that council?
- Him.

Well, I, you know, I'd do it myself,
but then ??? you know we won't...

Well, I'll only do it
for him because ???...

Would you bring in the first
prospective juror, please.

Philip Jackson! Mr. Jackson, do you
feel you can give an honest judgment

according to the facts of this case
against those long-haired weirdos?!

Yes, I can, they're innocent.

They're not guilty, not a
thing to do with it.

Your honor, I move this
juror be dismissed!

On what grounds?

Because he's one of the defendants!

Mr. Nesmith!
I'm surprised at you! Yuh!

I'm sorta surprised too,
such a pretty lady being a judge.

Oh.

Here's something.

Oh!

Roses?!

Sweet! Bring in the next
prospective juror, please.

And no more little tricks, Mr. Nesmith.

You can call me Mike.

Oh, I can?

Mmhm.

Ohh. Oh, you men are so intuitive.

Yes we are. Like the ferns?

Ohh, crazy for ferns! They're
the best part of the whole thing.

They are. I eat the petals, myself.

You do, really? Oh. Aren't you cute.

Oh, I hope Peter turns up
with the evidence.

So do I, man.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I can't tell you that.

I'll make you a, a big
movie star! Mm-hm!

No, I still can't tell ya.

I get it; you're snooping!

You guessed!

Mr. Thomas, you say
you can positively

identify Mr. Nesmith as
the man who held you up.

Yes. That's right.

Mr. Thomas, what is the
capital of Nova Scotia?

Uh... I'm not sure.

What is the literal translation
of the Japanese term "hamasaka!"?

I-I-I'm not sure.

Mr. Thomas, who led the American
League in doubles in nineteen thirty-seven?

I-I-I'm not sure.

Then how can you be sure that
Mr. Nesmith is the man that held you up?

Eh, right, you got him there! ???

I know!
Done strung him up, Mick!

Come on!

Your honor.
I move for a dismissal.

On what grounds?

Well, it's late, and
everybody's hungry.

Oh beautiful.
Food, ha ha, food!

Popcorn, peanuts, get your
popcorn, peanuts...

Wait a minute!

No mustard! My hot dog
doesn't have mustard?

Your honor, this is outrageous!

Well...

You're not hungry, don't eat.

A-ha-ha-ha, I give up.

As the mother of Micky Dolenz,
do you think your son could ever rob a bank?

Oh, Micky? No! Not Micky,
he's a nice little boy,

innocent, lovely, always
right to his mother.

'Course he coulda gotten involved
with some long-haired weirdos.

Boss. Yeah, one of them
Monkees is snooping around.

And he just found something.

What did he find?

A picture.

You jerk!

I told you to empty the wastebasket.
That picture of us and them and them g*ns

w-wh, they could blow
the whole thing for us.

Keep 'em there until I get there.

Alright. You've heard testimony
that my clients threatened

to blow up a safe "foolish!"
with this stick of dynamite.

Well, I'm going to destroy
the state's case by showing

that this dynamite stick is
actually and totally harmless.

It burns down and approaches
the stick and goes out.

It's-oop-totally and
absolutely harmless.

Your honor, I object!

Objection overruled.

Overruled?
Overruled?

But you admitted that
you were here to snoop.

Yeah, but this isn't a good
place to snoop.

There's a better place to snoop.
I'm going over to the playground to snoop.

Not until you hand over that picture.

Your local rock group
down the street

Is trying hard to
learn this song

To serenade the weekend squire
Just came out to mow his lawn

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

Charcoal burnin' everywhere

Rows of houses that
are all the same

And no one seems to care

See Mrs. Gray she's proud today
Because her roses are in bloom

And Mr. Green he's so serene
He's got a TV in every room

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

Here in status symbol land

Mothers complain
about how hard life is

And the kids just
don't understand

Creature comfort goals
they only numb my soul

And make it hard
for me to see

My thoughts all seem to
stray to places far away

I need a change of scenery

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

Charcoal burnin' everywhere

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

Here in status symbol land

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

You jerk! If you'da emptied the wastebasket,
they'da never found that picture.

[intelligible]

There's the picture, there.

That's the wrong picture.
That's the wrong picture, Peter.

Let me see that picture.

Oh! Ha ha! They're obviously innocent.
Obviously!

Innocent!?

Peter, good boy!

She's a wonderful lady
and she's mine all mine

And there doesn't seem a way that
she won't come and lose my mind

It's too easy humming songs
to a girl in yellow dress

It's been a long time since the party,
and the room is in a mess

The four kings of EMI are
sitting stately on the floor

There are birds out on the
sidewalk and a valet at the door

He reminds me of a penguin,
with few and plastered hair

There's talcum powder on the letter
and the birthday boy is there

Why don't you cut your hair?
Why don't you live up there?

Why don't you do what I do
See what I feel when I care?

Now they've darkened all the windows
and the seats are naugh-ga-hyde

I've been waiting for an hour,
I can't find a place to hide

The being known as Wonder
Girl is speaking, I believe

It's not easy tryin'
to tell her that I shortly have to leave

Why don’t you be like me?
Why don’t you stop and see?

Why don’t you hate who I hate
k*ll who I k*ll to be free?

Why don't you cut your hair?
Why don't you live up there?

Why don't you do what I do
See what I feel when I care?

Why don’t you be like me?
Why don’t you stop and see?

Why don’t you hate who I hate
k*ll who I k*ll to be free?

[It's too easy humming songs]
Why don't you cut your hair?

[To a girl in yellow dress]
Why don't you live up there?

[It's been a long time since the party]
Why don't you do what I do

[And the room is in a mess]
See what I feel when I care?

In this generation
In this lovin' time

In this generation
We will make the world shine

We were born to love one another
This is somethin', we all need

We were born to love one another
We must be what we're goin' to be

And what we have to be, is free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

We gotta be free

We gotta be free