02x07 - Hillbilly Honeymoon

[bunniefuu]

Uh, he-hello.

Quaint little town.

Uh, say, can, uh, can anybody tell us where,
where, where highway one-oh-one is?

Yeah, it's two blocks down at
the end of the street here.

Why didn't you say that-

You better make sure you step
right on that white line.

- Why?
- Because.

Oh, I understand. Sure!

Heh heh heh.

I'll k*ll the first Weskitt
that crosses that line.

I'll sh**t the first
Chubber that crosses.

Oh. Well, we're neither
Weskitts nor Chubbers.

No.

I guess that lets us off the hook.

Yeah.

We both hate strangers.

I guess that, uh,
puts us back on the hook.

Line. Davy, stay on the line, and follow it
all the way to the end, and find some help.

But I'll never see you again!

Yes, you will.

- How?
- How come?

Well, if it's a straight line,
it goes all the way around the world,

and it comes back the same point here,
coming back to the other side.

Oh, Peter.

- Go, babe. See ya later.
- Good luck, Davy.

Be careful. Don't hit the back of
the car. Don't fall into the abyss.

That's right. He better stay
right on that line.

That little fella better
stay on the line.

As you notice him gallantly
walking down the street,

his feet never leave the white line.

Never touch the ground.

- So cool it.
- Help, somebody! Come on, please.

Oh! Anyone, help me?
Somebody?

You're beautiful.
I love you.

I gotta get back on the line.
Please let me get back on the line!

I gotta get back on that
stripe, or they'll k*ll me.

Well, if my boyfriend finds
out we've been sparking,

he's gonna k*ll you anyway.

But we haven't! Oh!

May I rest in peace.

And if my daddy ever found out.

What would he say?

He'd say, "Welcome to the
family, son". Hee hee hee hee.

Ella Mae, looks like you
got yourself a man.

Oh, really?
Who's the lucky guy?

You is, stranger!

Oh. Oh no. Wait, wait, wait.
Listen. You don't understand.

You don't seem to understand it.
It was all a big mistake. Whoa!

So was kissing my Ella Mae.

I'm too young to die, and
I'm too young to get married.

I'll put that on your tombstone.

Oh!

And I'll put that on your
wedding announcement too.

I'm sorry. I really was
walking on the line, you know?

Walking, and she pulled me over
there, and she pulled me in the...

Here we come
Walkin' down the street

We get the funniest looks from
Ev'ry one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly
Come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation
And we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
You never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready,

We may be comin' to your town

Paw, Judd, please.
Let's not start feuding again.

Now the girl's right.
You ought to listen to her.

I warned you, Ella Mae, I warned
you to stop kissing other boys.

And Judd Weskitt, I warned you
to keep away from Ella Mae.

And I'm warning both of you!

Help!

Who's she?

- Oh, she's Ella Mae Chubber.
- What's going on?

They're trying to k*ll me,
these guys here.

Oh, cease and desist,
friends and neighbors.

Do not fight out at
ach other in anger.

Lay down your arms. Pick up your
arms, and fight for what's yours!

Chubbers, run for cover!

Weskitts, run for cover!

Welcome to Swineville, Peter.

A happy, sleepy, little hillbilly
town where seemingly innocent,

nice, naive people turn just like
that to a vengeful, hateful mob.

How do you know that?

'Cause these are my people.

Safe at last!

I knew you'd come.

Oh, but I'm not the one.

I love you, Davy.

But I'm Micky.

I love you, Micky.

Well, I tried.

Sonny, would you help a little
old lady across the street?

It's a very rough way to break
into the Boy Scouts, innit?

Sonny, I'd like to reward you for
getting me out of the line of fire.

Oh, there's no reason. Don't worry.
Don't worry. Everything's-

Where do you want it:
in the belly or the head?

Oh! A multiple choice. Ooh!

Oh, you've got him, Maw, good!

He's the one who was kissing Ella Mae.
Come on, you're coming with us.

Now just wait a minute.
It's the Chubbers you've

got an argument against;
I'm an innocent bystander.

Them's the ones we k*ll first.

Oh, no!

They're retreating! They're
retreating! Ella Mae!

Come on, Ella Mae, that's enough.
No, that's enough! Ah, now cool it.

Please, Ella Mae, now cool it,

because your father is
going to k*ll-it's enough-

It's him!

Oh!

It's him, my new son-in-law.

No, no, that's Davy,
the little English short one.

Tell him, Ella Mae.
It's Davy, it's not me.

Oh, no. Tell him. Tell him, Mike!

That's right. This is Micky,
uh, Davy's best friend.

Right. N-no, Mike, you don't-
I'm his best-but I'm not-

Well, I don't care who it is;
Ella Mae's gotta get married,

because tomorrow she'll be
sixteen years old,

and I don't want nobody
calling her old maid.

Hey, look, where's Davy?

Judd Weskitt took him up to
his cabin at gunpoint,

but I wouldn't fret none about him.

Oh, how come?

Because he's probably dead by now.
Move out of here!

Move out of here?!
Come on, move out of here!

Oh. Ooh! I'm sorry. I-I didn't
mean to touch your g*n.

You no account city slicker.

I'm not a city slicker.

How much is one and one?

Two?

That proves it,
you fast talking sharpie.

But I'm not from the city;
I'm English.

A danged redcoat! I knew
they'd be coming back.

Well, well, you haven't been at w*r
with the British since eighteen twelve.

That's the year I was born,
sonny; I remember it very clear.

What's kept you alive all this time?

Hate. Hate and vengeance.

You-you-you mean all this
violence and hate?

That-that keeps you young?

Sure it does. Grit your teeth.

Like this?

Snarl. Rwar!

Ah! Don't do that.

Get mad! Get mad!

Ah! I'm getting mad. Uh! Vengeance,
violence. Uh, uh, uh. Ooh, ooh!

Now relax.

Hey, you know, she's right. You know,
it does ease the tensions a little.

I feel better. Feel better.

When you feel bad, find someone you hate.
It clears the bloodstream. Ha ha.

Oh, come on, Maw. That's enough talk.
I wanna get him in my vat.

I'm gonna grind you up like so much
sour mash. What do you think of that?

Well, I think I'd make a
very nice English gin.

A little dry, but you know
you can't-Ah!? Ooh! Ah! Oh!

Alright, I want to hear
something now. Which one of you

city slickers gonna marry
my daughter Ella Mae?

Well-I don't know-I
think you oughta-seven-

Peter isn't right for her.

She's tall, taller.
Sure. Yeah. Right. Sure.

Mm-hm.

Davy.

But he ain't here.
Judd took him up to his cabin,

and the one who goes up to get
him is liable to get shot.

We'll risk it.

Well, one of you gets to go.
The fuzzy one on the end.

Oh, it's me.

I'll keep the other two.

But, Paw, I thought
one of 'em was for me.

Well, which one do you want, honey?

I think you're cute.

So does my wife and kids.
I'll, uh, go with you.

Hold it. You two wasn't thinking

on running out on me, was ya?

No. What, and leave our
buddy Peter here?

It's a thought.

Micky!

Well, she's a good looking girl.

Look, Peter, don't worry.

We'll be back to get you,
or we'll die trying.

That's a distinct possibility.

You city slicker, I'm gonna put
you in my boiling vat.

Of course, you know, we can
never be friends after this.

We're through. We're finished.

I'm sorry to hear that.

There's somebody out there.

Oh, maybe it's the sheriff.

Can't be the sheriff;
Maw's the sheriff.

Oh! Ah! Ooh!

You know you'll bruise the gin.

I'll bruise the gin?

"Bruise the gin," that's
pretty funny.

Oh, no, please. Oh!
Steady, steady! Oh! Oh! Ah!

Oh, I'm just an old dirty hillbilly.

Boy, I sure hope-Mick? Mick?
Mick? Oh. Boy, I sure hope this works.

- Yeah, me too.
- Me too.

Hey, Judd, you in there?

- Hey, Judd!
- Hi, Judd!

Who's you?

You remember your
cousins Claude and Leroy?

No, I don't.

Do you remember your
cousins Luke and Ezra?

No, I don't.

Do you remember your
cousins Roland and Clem?

Yes, I do!

Yep, well, that's who we are:
Roland and Clem.

Whatever happened to cousins
Luke, Ezra, Claude, and Leroy?

- Well, they said say hello.
- Hello.

Hello.

Brought you a pig for
supper, uh, Judd.

Well, the pig can eat
with us, but you two get!

Oh, come on, Judd. That ain't
no way to treat kinfolk.

Come on in, cousins!
Come on in.

Oh!

Oh! Thank you, Maw.

You and your hospitality, Judd.

Gah!

I love you, Micky!

I'm Peter.

I love you, Peter.

Well, I tried.

A-ha, hello! Hello, uh, cousin.
N-it's a nice-nice place got here.

We like it, cousin.

A-ha, if you'll excuse me for
a minute. Do you see anything?

No, just wall-to-wall dirt.

Wall-to-wall dirt.

What-what's-what's in the sack?

Pay no mind; that's the laundry.

If it's the laundry, why
is it standing up and moving?

Ah, well, we use a lot of starch.

Oh, a lot of starch.

That's reasonable. Starch.

Starch.

If you really are cousins,
let me see you play your nose.

Well, sure, I-play my nose?

Yeah. I used to accompany
Clem on garbage

while he played his nose.
Or don't you remember?

Remember? Of course-oh, I remember
pl-you playing the ga-garbage,

and me playing-I'd
play my nose now, but-

- But-
- I'm-it's-

But-

- My nose is... out being fixed.
- Right.

Out being fixed. Yeah, my-I sent
my nose out to have it fixed,

and this is a cheap loaner,
and I don't-I can't play this.

I'm getting the feeling that
you ain't really our cousins.

You are?

In fact, I'm getting the feeling
you ain't really even hillbillies.

Don't k*ll me. I'll play
my-I'll play this nose.

Sure, he'll play the nose. Ha.

Would you say this is your
first nose job? Ha ha!

Nose, nose, nose.

Pig, pig, pig, pig.
I'm playing the pigs.

What key?

R.

One, two, three, four.
Nose, nose, pig, nose.

Pig, pig, pig, pig.

Nose, pig, nose.

Pig, pig, reeber, reeber, pig.

No heartaches felt, no longer lonely
Nights of waiting finally won me

Happiness that's all rolled up in you

And now with you as inspiration
I look toward a destination

Sunny, bright that
once before was blue

I have no more than I did before
But now I've got all that I need

For I love you,
and I know you love me

So take my hand,
I'll start my journey

Free from all the
helpless worry

That besets a man
when he's alone

For strength is mine
when we're together

And with you, I know I'll never
Have to pass the high road for the low

I have no more
than I did before

But now I've got
all that I need

For I love you,
and I know you love me

"Play, Magic Fingers!"

"Yee haw!"

"Oh, pick it, Luther!"

No heartaches felt, no longer lonely
Nights of waiting finally won me

Happiness that's all rolled up in you

And now with you as inspiration
I look toward a destination

Sunny, bright that
once before was blue

I have no more than I did before
But now I've got all that I need

For I love you,
and I know you love me

So take my hand,
I'll start my journey

Free from all the
helpless worry

That besets a man
when he's alone

For strength is mine
when we're together

And with you, I know I'll never
Have to pass the high road for the low

I have no more
than I did before

But now I've got
all that I need

For I love you,
and I know you love me

Yes, I love you,
and I know you love me

Congratulations, cousins,
and welcome to the family.

Thanks, Maw. You sure
play great garbage.

How did you learn to play
such a good nose?

Hm? Well, it's the, it's the
fingers, you see, on the nostrils.

You take the two fingers
of the right hand,

and you place it against the
nostril of the right nose.

The no-the left nostril-
Now, Micky.

How do you breathe?

Well, you don't; that's
the beauty of it. Now, Micky.

Micky!

Pig's escaped!
Prize pig's escaped!

- Pig's escaped!
- I'll get 'im, cousin.

Come on, the prize pig's
escaped! The prize pig-

Go get the pig.
Go get the pig.

- Villains are gone.
- Yep, they split.

- Where's Davy?
- In the sack.

- Let's go.
- Okay.

Come on, Davy.

- Okay, Davy-
- Davy, here we go!?

You're free and back with
your friends. Davy, Davy.

- Davy?!
- Davy's dead.

- Davy? Daaaavy. Oh, h*.
- Ground up into sour mash.

Hey, hey, hey!
What's the matter?

- It's Davy!
- Davy Jones...

- Oh no!
- ...all ground up.

[crying]

- What do we do now?
- Huh?

Oh, I've got a script. Just a second.
I'll see. It says, uh, Judd and Maw

rush out.
Mike and Micky free Davy.

- That's my line.
- Right.

We've got to get
Peter at Ella Mae's!

I'm not going in there again!
Was that good, dramatic? Was it good? Okay.

You mean you wouldn't
risk your life for Peter?

Well, it's, um, it's not that;

it's just that I thought
I'd make a good bottle of gin.

Somehow, we've got to get Paw
and Ella Mae out of there.

Sooey! Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig!

Sooey! Sooey! Pig! Pig! Pig! Soo-

I hear somebody calling me?

Mike, Mike, me pants
are caught on a nail.

It's him, Paw. It's him!

Oh, it isn't, Paw. It isn't.

Just a minute. Ella Mae, is here
this the one I seen kissing you?

Maybe; I can't tell one
from the other no more.

The one I seen with my very
own eyes drop to his knees.

I can't drop to my knees, I can't.

Drop!

Oh! Oh!

Now, of his own free will,
repeat after me: Ella Mae, honey.

Ella Mae, honey.

- I wanna.
- I wanna.

- Go ahead, go ahead.
- I wanna, I...

I wanna be Free, free, free
Like the blue, blue bird

Anybody who sings like
that deserves to die.

No, wait! Don't sh**t, please.

Davy! Davy! Davy! Davy!
Davy! Davy! Oh! Davy!

Hiya, Mike.

Come on, sonny, say it.
Will you marry me?

Will you marry me?

Two million chicks madly in love with him,
and he's gonna marry an old man.

They're dressing Davy
for the wedding.

In two hours,
Davy will be a married man.

Hm.

- We've got to do something.
- I'll call a caterer.

No, we'll go over to Judd
Weskitt's and save the day.

A-ha.

Paw, I just think he's beautiful.

I don't know. He still looks
like a city slicker to me.

Why don't you rub dirt all
over me or something?

Say, you've got a heap of sense.

What?

You sure have. I always said you has
have a heap of sense there. Ah. Ah.

I like that.

It ain't bad.

- It's lovely, that is.
- Don't k*ll the flower.

It's all over me flower. It's gonna
die and everything here. In my mouth?

Ah, that's gonna look-now he
looks a lot better, don't he?

Oh, he's purdy.

- Where's Judd?
- Over there.

- Where's Judd?
- Same place.

- Yeah! Judd? Judd?
- Huh?

- Judd. Come here.
- Huh? What?

- Got to talk to you.
- What?

Ella Mae
Chubber's getting hitched.

Well, what happened?
Did Chubber's horse die?

Did the Chubbers' horse di-no.

No, not to a wagon, man.
She's getting married.

Married? Married?
Where's my g*n?

Where's my g*n? I'll k*ll him.
Where is it? I'll k*ll him. Who is he?

That's not-that's not-we can work it out.
You take it. I'll take it.

You take it. I'll take it.

Look, Judd, if you want to
be qualified for Ella Mae,

you gotta treat her like a gentleman.

But she's a girl.

Isn't that dumb?

You gotta be sweet instead of surly.
You gotta be tender instead of taciturn.

You gotta, you gotta be
amiable instead of angry.

And then what?

Then what? Well, you could
ask yourself what

ever happened to the good
old Judd Weskitt.

Well, who's gonna make a gentleman
out of my boy in one hour?

Only one man in the world can do that,
Maw, because he had eight marriages himself.

Raybert presents, coming straight
from the mountains: Uncle Raccoon!

Someone here have trouble
with a marriage?

That's the wrong accent.

Uh, someone here have trouble
with a marriage?

You know about marriage?

I sure do. Here's a picture
of my present wife.

That there's a bear.

Oh, that's my girlfriend.
This here's my present wife.

That that's a coyote. Oh.

Well, it gets lonesome in the hills.

Hee hee hee hee.

Hey, tell me something. Why is
he always doing this all the time?

Spitting all over the floor and
everything? That's disgusting, that is.

Alright, let's try it again.
Now, what are the four

qualities that a lady respects
most in a gentleman?

Kindness, "cornsideration", affection,
and a punch in the mouth.

Well, that's three out of four.

Now you're beginning to look like one
of the Chubber clan: strong and silent.

And filthy. Look at me. Soot.
Gonna get it all over, you know.

Please, don't do that.
A heh.

Alright, we'll do it all over
again, Judd. What is this?

That is a spoon.

- Right, Judd!
- Spoon, yeah!

What do we do with it?

And we eat with it.

Nice, Judd!
What's this, Judd?

- That is a fork.
- Fork!

You got it, a fork.
What do we do with it?

And we eat with it.

Right, baby.
Hold it, wait, hold it.

What is this, Judd?

That is a knife.

Knife! Knife!
What do we do with it?

And we... stab out blindly at those who
would make us eat with a fork and spoon.

No, Judd, no!

Listen, Ella Mae, why don't you elope
with Judd? There's still time.

Because I told her that Judd was
dirty, dumb, and violent.

Well, nobody's perfect.
See what I mean?

That spitting thing? He keeps doing
it all over the f-whole floor.

Okay. Now, what are you gonna
say to Ella Mae when you go

marching into the wedding
there to speak your mind?

Well, go ahead.

Well, I'm gonna say, uh,
I'm gonna say, uh, Ella Mae?

- Yeah, Judd?
- Honey?

I come to you a new man. I don't want
no more feuding with your kinfolk.

Why, I want you to be my wife
so we can join together

in a life of tenderness and
warmth. What do you say?

Buzz off, yokel.

Come on, it's getting late.
We better get out of here.

Yeah, I might be married.
Duh, I mean, Ella Mae might be married.

Before somebody gets married.

Uh, duh.

Quiet down. Quiet down, everybody.
My dear friends,

I want to offer my sincere
condolences on your great loss.

What are you talking about, preacher?

Oh, I'm sorry! Wrong book.

I got a funeral ceremony this
afternoon, three o'clock.

Heh heh.

And do you, Ella Mae, take this here
stranger to be your lawful wedded husband?

Well, it is kind of sudden-

- Ella Mae.
- I do.

And do you, stranger, take this here
Ella Mae to be your lawful wedded wife?

Well, I, uh, I-

Wanna be free
Like the bluebird

Howdy, folks! Gentlemen,
Judd Weskitt, come to claim his bride.

I pronounce you dead
and gone, Judd Weskitt.

Hold it, Paw. Judd and
Ella Mae are getting married.

We've been feuding in
this town too long.

Oh, but a little more won't
hurt at all. Go ahead.

Alright, Chubbers, run for cover!

Weskitts, run for cover!
This side!

Let's not argue.
Let's not fight.

I better get out of here.

Ella Mae, tell me.
Tell me really,

who do you love the best
out of all the boys?

Well, I guess I love Judd the best.

That's what I thought. Judd!

What do you want, stranger?

Listen, you wait here. I'll go
and get the preacher. Here's the ring.

Why, thanks, stranger.

Say, I'd sure like for
you to be my best man.

Oh, that's a very nice gesture, Judd.

And lend me two bucks
for the preacher?

Two bucks? How much is
that in English money?

Seventeen shillings, six pence.

Okay, I can manage that.
There you are. There you go.

- Thanks, stranger.
- Stay here.

Are you with the bride or the groom?

It all depends who's left.

And do you, Judd, take Ella Mae
to be your lawful wedded wife?

I surely do.

I now pronounce you man
and wife. Kiss the bride.

I got you at last.

But Paw, he's my husband now.

You son-in-law!
Ha ha ha ha!

Hold it, hold it!

Stop it, everybody.
Stop it, everybody.

The big feud is over.

The house of Chubber and the
house of Weskitt has been joined.

Well, go ahead and kiss!
Not me, her!

Ha ha!

- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

- Wa.
- Wa who?

- That's right, wahoo.
- Wahoo.

In this generation
In this lovin' time

In this generation
We will make the world shine

We were born to love one another
This is somethin', we all need

We were born to love one another
We must be what we're goin' to be

And what we have to be, is free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

We gotta be free

We gotta be free