01x05 - Edith Versus the Energy Crisis

[bunniefuu]

God, would you look at us all?

Civilized people shivering

like a bunch of poor Canadians.

Well, I can't take it no more.

I'm freezing.

Put another sweater on.

To hell with the sweater.
I'm turning up that thermostat.

Wait a minute. Wait, no!

Archie, Archie,
get your hands off that.

- Archie: Oh, I'm gonna turn it up here.
- -Wait.

Oh, what do you wanna do,
pay a $10,000 fine?

How many times
do I have to tell you,

- we got an energy crisis?
- Oh, yeah. Energy crisis.

Hey, fellas, let's hear it

for the energy crisis.

Gee, that beer
is making me colder.

Hey, Harry, give me a shot
of Bourbon, will you?

See Arch?

It's even good for business.

Archie:
Ah, good for business.

If we don't start
warming up this joint,

all our customers
will be going over

to McFeeney's Topless.

In this cold,

the only one topless
over there is McFeeney.

McFeeney's going topless?

Yeah, a bald-headed mugger

stole his hair piece.

Come on, Murray.
Come on, will you?

You're worse than Edith,

and she's got the house
down to 20. Turn it up.

Nope, we can't do it.

Look, the country's
run out of fuel.

We've got to conserve energy,

gas, oil, electricity.

I do my bit.

I haven't turned on
the lights in my house

in 10 years.

Well, the Democrats, you know,

they're making up all
this crapola about shortages.

And you guys is buying it.

It's not crapola,
it's the truth.

Oh, come on, the truth.

You wanna know the real truth,

- read the paper here.
- It's all here

in blue and yellow.

The oil companies, see,

they're running this country.

They're making
all these shortages here.

There's a guy from Yonkers, see,

he invents a pill.

You drop it in a tank,

add water,

500 miles to a pill.

No kidding, Arch?

When is it coming out?

Never.

How come?

Because the oil companies

bought the guy out.

They don't want that
on the market.

They slipped him $10 million.

That guy is now living in style

over in Saudi Arabia.

Sure!

They give him a fourteen-room
inflatable tent

and seven veiled wives

he don't even have to look at.

I'd sell out for that too.

Sure.

Then there's another guy here,

he invented a fuel
you make out of seaweed

and chicken doo-doo.

1,000 thousand miles
to a gallon.

And his car lays eggs.

Don't be a wise guy,
huh, Murray.

The oil companies
buy him out too?

Oh, him they shot.

What's the matter with me?

Hey, I'm sweating now.

What does
that thermostat
actually say?

It says what the law says
it should say, 65.

Have a spot of the sauce, Arch,

it'll warm
the c*ck of your heart.

Ain't my c*ck is warming up,

it's my extremeraries
is freezing awful.

I... uh...

- Take it easy.
- Take it easy.

I ain't gonna touch
the damn thing. God.

Why, keep it down
to 65 if you want.

You guys can all freeze
your butts off.

I'm going home.

Edith's making me
a nice, hot meal there.

I'll be back in about an hour.

Put your long johns on.

God, I feel terrible.

Now, now, stop that.

Finish your homework.

Quit eating.

My arm hurts when I write.

It's Uncle Archie's fault.

Why?

He took me for that
tetanus shot last week.

Oh, he told me that

you didn't even cry.

That's right, I screamed.

It's funny it don't hurt

when you eat.

Yeah, that is funny.

It hurts only
when I do homework.

I had an arm like that once.

Hey, Edith, I'm home.

Hey, Edith,

what the hell is going on?

Why is it so dark in our house?

I'm coming.

Hello, Archie.

Oh, there you are.

Edith, why can't we
let there be lights here?

Oh, I was saving on
the electricity.

You're saving electricity

and I'm losing my marbles.

Are you happy?

Yeah.

The point I'm trying
to get to, Edith,

I was hoping it'd be warmer
in the house

than when I left here.

Oh, it is.

It's warmer in the kitchen.

- Ah, I see.
- Come on.

- Ah.
- I got the oven on.

You and the meatloaf

can warm up together.

Oh, sure.

I'll hop in the oven
and cuddle up

with a casserole.

In here too?

Oh, Steffi, I'm sorry.

I forgot you was in here.

It's okay.

It ain't okay,

a child sitting here
in the dark.

She don't even know
what she's doing.

I don't mind.
There's nothing I wanna do.

What?

A child your age

with a whole golden life ahead,

there should be
a million things you wanna do.

Like what?

Like go get me a beer.

Okay.

This light bulb
is burned out, Aunt Edith.

No, it ain't.

I unscrewed it

- to save energy.
- Oh, jeez.

By the time you find
what you're looking for,

the cold air cools off
the whole house.

Don't be fresh,

but she's absolutely right.

Another thing, you can stand
in front of that ice box, there,

you get yourself
a whole frontal frostbite.

Oh, God bless you.

Are you getting a cold?

I most certainly am.

And I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do about it,

I'm gonna go out there
and turn up the damn heat.

Archie, you can put
another sweater on.

Do you want me to die?

No.

I'm just trying to help

President Carter.

Oh, the hell with him.

Oh, Archie...

He says that we
gotta save energy.

Let him save his energy.

I'm trying to save my life.

Let me ask you this,

do you think Jimmy
would make Little Amy

sit in the dark in a kitchen

doing her homework?

Oh.

I'm sorry, Steph.

Oh, give me that beer.

You finish your homework.

Oh, here's your beer.

Archie:
Okay. Well, leave it there.

Leave it there.

And let me ask you this,

do you think
Jimmy is roaming around

the White House tonight
trying to find a meatloaf

to warm himself up on?

I don't think the Carters

eat meatloaf.

Who the hell are they?

They're only from Georgia.

Oh, let me tell you something,

I am so sick of Washington

and all its works,

and all them politicians
down there,

and them congressmen.

Ah, the congressmen, boy.

I'll bet you won't find
none of them congressmen

turning down their
electric blankets tonight.

Because if they did,
their secretaries

would get up and go home.

Oh, Archie.

Oh, Edith.

The Democrats is doing
the whole... the Democrats.

And you put them in there.

That's the face you had on you

when you come from the polls.

Well the Democrats' way
of running this country

is to go tell us all

how we ought to make sacrifices.

God, they're great
on that stuff.

But they're all gonna have us

over the hill to the poor house.

And we ain't gonna be able
to drive over there

because we ain't got no gas.

We're gonna have to walk it.

Oh,

the "Reader's Digest" says

walking is very good for you.

Oh, ain't that lovely.

The "Reader's Digest"
can always put a little joy

into poverty.

You're missing
my whole point, Edith.

My whole point
is this whole thing

with the energy and everything,

this is all a conspiracy.

- Don't you know?
- That is a conspiracy there.

Listen,

for years, all our lives,

they've been telling us
go out and buy stuff

that use energy, you know?

All electrical stuff.

You got electric toasters,

electric ovens, electric stove,

electric stereo, electric TV,

electric razor,
electric hair blower,

electric knives,
electric every damn thing,

not to mention the cars.

And now, at the rule
of big corporations,

they make the billions
of billions of dollars

worth of profits,

signals, wham, they changed.

And that they're telling us
for years that we can't live

without this junk,

now they tell us

that we gotta live without it.

The country is going straight
into the dumper.

It's awful warm in here,
ain't it?

Warm?

You was just cold.

Maybe I should call the doctor.

- Don't call a doctor.
- Open a window.

Edith, hon, please.

Don't be fondling me.

God, your sense
of timing is awful.

Oh, my.

Oh, I think I should
call Dr. Shapiro.

You're all sweaty.

Uh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

I know exactly
what's wrong with me.

What?

I'm defrosting.

Here,

take a cool sip.

Yeah, maybe that... okay.

Oh, no. Oh, jeez.

Ain't that funny Edith?

For the first time in my life
that I can remember,

the smell of beer nauseates me.

Archie,

you are sick.

But Dr. Shapiro

should be here by now.

I called you over an hour ago.

Why don't he answer his beeper?

What's a beeper? -

Oh, I'll tell you later.-

Just a minute, Archie.

Go up and see what
your Uncle Archie wants.

And don't go in the room,

just stand outside in the hall.

Oh, and don't breathe in.

I know it's Saturday night

but my husband has a fever.

No, I've never seen
that picture.

But would you please
keep beeping him?

Oh, thank you. I'll wait.

What's the matter?

He wants his tea and honey.

Just a minute, oh, Archie.

The water ain't boiling yet.-

Oh, here's Mr. Bloom beeping.

Now, kiss me goodbye...

Oh, thank you.

Same to you.

Would you please keep trying?

Oh, thank you very much.

- I don't wanna go.
- Oh, but you gotta go.

Oh, just wait.

Come on.

She's coming, Mr. Bloom.

But I don't wanna go
while Uncle Archie's sick.

- The water is boiling.
- I'll turn it off.

Oh, no, wait a minute, Steffi.-

Just wait for...
Wait a minute Archie, please.

Just a minute, Mr. Bloom.

Steffi, you gotta go now.

You can't keep that man waiting.

It's wrong.-

Oh my goodness.

He's at the door.

I don't care.

You got...-

Coming, Mr. Bloom.

- Hi.
- Murray.

Oh, hello Mr. Bloom.

I didn't mean for you

to come over in the snow.

I just wanted you to know

that Archie can't come back
to work tonight.

Oh, is the doctor here yet?

No, but they're beeping him.

Everything is under control.-

Oh.

Just a minute, Mr. Bloom.-

Oh.

Oh, Archie, please,

I'll be there in a minute.-

Hold your horses, Mr. Bloom.

- I'm not going.
- You gotta go.

Was that man in the
car honking for you?

- Uh-huh.
- You've got a date?

That's Amy Bloom's father.

She's sleeping over tonight

at the Blooms'

so she won't catch
Archie's germs.

- I see.
- Only I'm not going.

All right, sweetheart,

say goodbye to your Aunt Edith.

Goodbye, Aunt Edith.

- You have a good time.
- Stop. Put me down.

Here she comes, Mr. Bloom.-

I'm coming, Archie.

Here I come...

Yeah, without my tea!

Oh, I forgot.

Well, I don't want it now.

Oh, I'm sorry, Archie.

Oh, I was trying
to make your tea,

and get Steffi off
to the Blooms',

and Mr. Bloom come
to pick her up.

And the tea kettle was whistling

because your water was boiling.

And Mr. Bloom
is honking and you...

What are you doing to me, here?

- I can't get my arm out!
- -You're pumping all the air out of me!

I can't get it off.

I've been sleeping...

Will you stop everything

and just sit down?

Here's your ice pack.

There.

Come on, up.

Where is... where is the doctor?

Oh, the operator
is beeping him right now.

He's getting beeped?

I've never heard of that.

Oh, them doctors.

Here's the doctor having his fun

and the patient
lying here in agonies.

Murray is here.

Murray? What does he want?

Well, he's your friend.

- He's worried about you.
- Oh, my friend.

He tried to freeze me to death

down at the bar.

And you tried to freeze me
to death here in the house.

The two of you
is trying to k*ll me.

Oh, Archie.

Ah, puts me in mind
to Clyde Foot,

he tried to k*ll me too.

Who?

Clyde Foot,

my sergeant, WWII.

He's the guy
that said to me one day,

"Bunker, go into them bushes

and see what's in there."

And what was in there?

A German tank was in there.

You know, they even look alike.

Who?

Murray and Clyde.

Except that Clyde
was a big six-foot blond,

bow-hunting buffalo.

How did they look alike?

Oh, through the eyes, Edith,
through the eyes.

The two of them
got eyes of a k*ller.

Arch. Arch, how are you?

And there they are now.

Archie, that's Murray.

Them's the eyes of the man

that wanted me to go
into the bushes.

I think I better call my doctor.

Oh, man.

Oh Archie,

you're burning up.

It don't help to keep

- telling me that, Edith.
- Oh, you melted your ice.

- What? What's that?
- I'm gonna get you

some more ice.

Your voice went through me

like a nail.

Oh. Oh.

- Hello, operator.
- This is an emergency.

My name is Murray Klein.

I'm a patient of Dr. Flanagan's.

I've got to get
a hold of him right away.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

When's the funeral?

He's dead.

Oh, Edith, Edith.

- I meant... no, no.
- My doctor, my doctor.

No, not Archie.

Edith, Oh.

No, he's not dead.

- See, there he is.
- Oh, coming, Archie.

I'm sorry.

You put this on his head.

- All right.
- I'll make some more tea.

- All right, I'm sorry.
- Oh.

- Do you want me to get that?
- No, I'll get it.

Oh, Sidney,

I'm so glad to see you.

I didn't hear my beep.

The music at the Deco Disco
was so loud.

Oh, that's all right,

as long as you're here.

Give me your coat.

Sidney.

I was out dancing.

Please excuse my attire.

Oh, it's beautiful.

I love it.

And Archie ain't himself,

- so he won't even notice.
- I'll go right up.

Well, now,
don't forget your bag.

Oh, excuse me sir.

I...

Oh, they beeped him

at the disco,

so he come as he was.

Good thing they didn't
beep him in the shower.

Oh, if you had
any feeling for me at all,

you'd crawl into bed with me

and put your arms around me.

You wouldn't like that,
Mr. Bunker.

Did you just come off a trapeze?

I was out dancing.

- Open your mouth.
- No.

- Open your mouth.
- No!

- All right.
- If I can't start at the top,

I'll just have to start
at the bottom.

- All right.
- Turn over.

Here, here, here,
here, here, here.

Say, ah.

- Ah. Ah.
- Ah. Ah.

Oh, my God.

This is terrible.

I want a second opinion.

Well, it's really terrible.

Not from you.

From your father,
the real Dr. Shapiro.

My father is still
retired in Florida.

Now turn over.

Why? I thought we decided

we wasn't gonna do that.

Oh, help me Lord.

Sidney's been up there

such a long time.

Well, five minutes
isn't a long time, Edith.

Unless you're being examined
by a proctologist.

It ain't supposed to hurt

coming out, Sidney.

- Sidney: It was for your own good, Mr.
- Bunker.

I took a culture, but I know
what the results will be.

He has a strep infection.

Oh, it's all my fault.

The house was too cold.

No, Edith. It was my fault.

The bar was freezing.

It's not your fault
and it's not his either.

You don't get
beta-hemolytic streptococcus

from a cold room.

Mr. Bunker got it from me.

From you?

When he brought Stephanie in
last week,

I didn't know
I had a strep infection

until the next day

and I sneezed in his face,

me, a doctor,

in my own office.

Oh, Sidney,

don't worry.

It's all right.

You didn't mean it.

Would you like some cookies

and hot chocolate before you go?

No, thank you.

Chocolate makes
my face break out.

Oh, yeah. I remember.

Don't forget the medication.

That and the shot
will fix him up.

I'll have the prescription
filled for him.

Shame on you.

Thank you, Murray.

I'm coming, Archie.

I'll be right there.

Oh, thank you so much, Sidney.

Now, you can go back

and boogie some more.

I couldn't.

Please don't tell on me,
Mrs. Bunker.

Oh, I won't.

You don't have
to worry about Archie.

He really likes you.

Oh, I don't know.

Do you think
he'll ever forgive me

for playing doctor with Gloria

on the garage roof?

Sure.

You ain't done it lately.

- I'll let myself out.
- All right.

Yeah, I'm coming, Archie.

Murray's gone
to get your prescription

and now you're gonna get
some rest.

Don't poke, Edith.

My skin hurts me.

Oh, all right now.

Steffi's staying overnight
at the Blooms'

and I'm gonna sleep in her room.

What for?

Well, I don't wanna catch

what you got.

Why not? You're my wife.

Well, I wanna be able to go

to work on Monday.

You gotta work on Monday?

What ever happened
to for richer or for poorer,

in sickness and in health? Huh?

Are you forgetting them

precious vows tonight?

No, I'll be remembering them

across the hall.

Now, goodnight.

Sleep tight.

Don't let the buggies bite.

Archie:
Oh.

If Richard E. Nixon
was still president,

my wife would be sleeping
with me tonight.