01x06 - Bosom Partners

[bunniefuu]

Ain't this ridiculous now, huh?

- Me, serving you your breakfast.
- -It's just for today.

Aunt Edith goes back
on late time tomorrow.

Oh, I know all about it.

She should be spending
all her time with us.

You know, we're a little
bit more important

than the loonies at that
hoo-hoo hotel she works at.

No, we're not.

Yes, we are.

Anyway, you and I can
take care of ourselves.

Oh, yeah?

Then how come I got
to take care of you?

You don't.

Then how come
I'm serving you cereal?

Because you wouldn't let me
serve myself some pie.

Because I don't want you
to turn out

like the aunts over in Jersey.

With a pinhead on top,
flat feet on the bottom,

and a balloon in the middle.

Who's gonna marry you
if you look like that?

Now, when you're finish there,

take all the dishes
and put 'em in the sink,

'cause I wanna tell you
something, kiddo,

that's the work that
women does best, housework.

And having the babies, right?

Hey, hey, I don't wanna hear
that kind of talk from you.

The babies come by way
of Mr. Stork.

Don't give me that look.

Ain't you never seen
them lovely little diaper ads

in the magazines?

You know, with the stork
flying along,

delivering a baby?

Like this here
and he stops right over

that expecting house,

opens his... drops the baby
right down the chimney.

You don't really want me

to believe that, do you?

Yes, I do.

Until you get to high school.

And then God help us.

The toast is burned.

Oh, well,
I can take care of that.

Here.

Now...

- All right.
- Now there's a

You got the scrapings
in my cereal.

Dribble a little milk over them,

they'll sink out of sight.

- I'm not hungry.
- Well, I don't care

if you're hungry or not,
now, eat, eat.

- Get the door.
- What happened to "eat, eat"?

You can eat, eat
after you get the door, door.

Hurry up.

Coming, coming.

And it's any
of the aunts from Jersey,

I'll open a vein.

Don't be smart.

Hello, Steph. Hi.

Oh, hi there, Murray.
What brings you out so early?

Listen, we've got an important
business problem to talk of.

I thought I'd come by and have
a cup of coffee with you.

Oh, yeah, well, I drank it all.

- How about a bowl of Farina?
- No, no.

The Farina is yours.
Now get it down.

And hurry up,
you'll be late for school.

Edith's gone to work already?

Can you believe it,
at 7:00 a.m. this morning?

She went to take
a bus load of head cases

for an afternoon spin.

Afternoon spin in the morning?

Sure.

The nuts don't know
what time it is.

They take them all around,

they bring 'em home for lunch
and call that dinner.

Then they shove them all in bed

and hope they sleep
for a day and a half.

Will you hurry up?
Eat faster, faster.

Don't tell her that, Arch.

It's bad for digestion.

Slower, baby.

- Slower.
- Come on.

Wait, can't you tell
she's stalling here?

She's trying to make herself
late for arithmetic.

You always say girls
don't need that anyway.

Well, they don't.

But I don't need no more
nasty notes from your teacher.

What will you give me
if I eat this?

Tell you what.

This afternoon,

I'll give you a nice piece
of Boston cream pie

if you eat that slop now.

That is the worst thing
you can do,

to bribe a child.

Not if the child is a girl.

- Uh, uh, see?
- She knows where it's at.

Listen, Arch, we're gonna
have visitor today,

somebody from
the State Tax Department.

We have to answer
a couple of questions.

- I'm full.
- Oh, wait, wait.

Wait, wait a minute,
Murray, huh.

Don't you know it's a crime
to leave food in your bowl

while there's hungry people
in this world?

Oh, then why don't we
just send this to them?

We have not been
following regulations.

- Did you pack my lunch?
- Yeah, yeah.

It's in the kitchen.

Archie, we've got a tax problem.

Oh, oh, Murray. Listen, please.

I don't wanna talk
about taxes till tax time.

- You've got to pay a little...
- Why is there only one Twinkie

in here?

'Cause I got to live,
too, don't I?

- That's enough, Stephanie.
- Remember you teeth.

- What about his teeth?
- Too late for his teeth.

Bye, baby.

Hey, hey there, kiddo.
Uh, where's your galoshes?

I threw 'em at a boy
and he kept 'em.

Remember what I told you, see?

If anybody speaks to you
in the street, scream.

Have a nice day at school.

See you at the saloon.

- Some cute kid, huh?
- Yeah.

Now, about those taxes, Arch.

Oh, now, come on will you,
Murray?

Don't bother about that.

The taxes are under control.

The taxes are in a mess.

What the hell
are you talking about?

I am talking about this.

- Here. This.
- Well, what is it?

That's the sales tax notice
that I was telling you about.

- Oh, look at this.
- This letter is over two months old.

That was a final warning.
Why didn't you answer it?

Because if you answer
them tax people,

they'll keep on rakin' to you.

Oh.

- Oh, no.
- Uh, listen.

Let me explain something here.

I wanna try and not get excited.

Look, we do our sales tax

usually in December, see?

And that's all in the hands
of our accountant,
Numbers Maloney.

Numbers Maloney?

His name is Joseph.

We gave him
the nickname of Numbers.

Because he plays them
or wears them?

Murray, don't be
a smart guy, will you?

Number Maloney happens to be
a genius with figures.

Now, I'm only trying
to tell you,

all you got to do
is get all your...

Hey, your papers together.

I mean, your bills
and your receipts,

your memoirs, your tabs, there.

The tapes from the register.

And then you had
a little piece of paper

you find laying on the bar
or on the floor.

You sweep it all up,

you put it
in a big shopping bag,

you take it over once a year

to Numbers Maloney
in Long Island City,

and that's that.

That is not that.

Sales taxes are due
and payable quarterly.

- Oh, come on.
- Let me at it.

No, wait a minute.
Just wait a minute now.

Here, here. Here.

What is that, "boff"?

That ain't "boff."

That's B-O-F-F.

All right, then what is B-O-F-F?

Barney owes 45.

Here, what's this?
Explain this to me.

Here, three circles
and one with a cross in it.

- What does that mean?
- Well, that's easy.

I ordered three bottles of beer

and only two of them come,
so I crossed out the other one.

Geez, a dummy could
figure out that code.

That's right,
because a dummy wrote it.

Listen, Murray,
you're the dummy,

'cause you're messing
at the things

that you don't know
nothing about.

You're not only telling me
about the business,

you're trying to tell me
how to feed my little niece.

- What do you call her?
- Stephanie.

I didn't ask you
for that information.

You see, you're a bigger pain
in the butt to me

than to trap down
the German's give me,

and you ain't even
supposed to be here.

Where's the legal paper you
were supposed to have drew up,

so I could buy you out?

Where is that?

Murray:
Papers don't buy me out,

$30,000 might.

How much?

I said $30,000
might be buy me out.

What the hell
are you talking, $30,000?

You only put in $24,000.

The dollar went down.

But why should I take
a fall for that?

Why should I?

'Cause you was the one
that wanted to put
your money in here.

Yeah, but now you're the one
who wants me to take it out.

Well, no, I just want
you take yourself out.

Oh, I see.

And you want me to leave
the money in here?

But that was your whole idea
in the first place.

Geez, Harry, give me
a cup of coffee.

Archie, if I went out that door,

you'd be out of business
in 20 minutes.

- Oh, come on.
- You have no idea

of your inventory,
you have no sales records,

no books, and whenever
you don't understand something,

you sweep it under the rug.

And now the State of New York

is gonna send us an investigator

and how do you like that?

- Do I look worried?
- Of course not.

You got to have brains
to look worried.

You heard him insult me there,
didn't you?

- I heard him.
- Well, that's the last time

- you're gonna hear him do that.
- Oh, no, it isn't.

You got a lot coming
your way, brother.

Oh, I ain't got no more of that.

You were supposed to help me
with that mess in there.

- Where the hell do you
think you're going?
- None of your damn business.

But I'll tell you this,
one way or the other,

I'm going to get rid of you.

Bah.

Murray, what's going on
with youse two?

Oh... it's my fault.

I pushed him too far when I
suggested he wasn't too bright.

Geez, you'd think
he'd be used to that.

- What's he gonna do?
- I don't know. I don't know.

But whatever it is,
it's gonna be stupid.

Murray:
What did he do with January?

Where could he have put January?

Oh, that's not...

Harry.

Ah, you've been into
Archie's files, huh?

Yeah, listen, Harry,
do me a favor.

From now on,
see that I get all the tapes

from the cash register.

I like them dated
and clipped together.

- Can you do that?
- You got 'em.

Okay.

Uh, good morning.

Oh, sorry, lady.
We ain't open yet.

But we will be in about an hour.

- I'm not a customer.
- I'm here on business.

Is either of you Archie Bunker?

- No.
- I got...

I'm Ms. Bradshaw,
the compliance representative

for the New York State
Tax Department.

- How do you do?
- I'm Murray Klein.

I'm Archie Bunker's partner.

So the Tax Board sent you, huh?

- Yes.
- Interesting.

What's it all about?

Well, I'm here to review
your gross sales records

for the past 12 months.

Gross sales records.

- Oh.
- Are these they?

Well, these are some of they.

- Here, sit down.
- Make yourself comfortable.

- Thank you.
- Here you go.

So, would you like a cigarette?

- No, thank you.
- I don't smoke.

Uh-hmm.

- Mind if smoke?
- Yes.

Well...

Well, well, well.

You know, it's hard to
imagine that the dreary
State of New York

would send such
an attractive representative.

I must remind you, Mr. Klein.

Um, Murray.

Mr. Klein, that I am here
strictly on business.

Of course you are, my dear.

Ms. Bradshaw.

Ms. Bradshaw...

my dear.

Strictly business.

Can I get you a drink?

No, I never drink on the job.

Oh, come on.

Just one little one, huh?

Something light, a little,

um, I don't know vermouth...

Look, I am here to investigate
this saloon, Mr. Klein.

Now, what you're suggesting
could be a considered a bribe.

You could go to jail.

I know.

Yes, I know, but, you know,

in spite of the risk...
in spite of the risk,

there's something that I have
to tell you about yourself.

No, it won't work,
Mr. Klein.

You see, what we have here
is a serious tax delinquency.

See, I just wanna say
just one thing that's all.

Just one.

And it's about your eyes.

- Mr. Klein...
- I know you've heard

this story from 100 phonies.

And I know that you're here
on official business,

but this just
one little thing, though.

- Mr. Klein...
- Just one thing.

One and then we go
back to business.

- What do you say?
- Okay, Mr. Klein. Go ahead.

My, uh, eyes.

Oh, hi there, sis.

I wanna see Levy Dolt.

Are you a client?

Do I look stupid?

Answer my question
and I'll answer yours.

No, I ain't a client.

My partner, Murray Klein,
is a client.

- You have to make an appointment.
- -I can't do that.

I got to see him now.

The councilor's tied up.

The councilor, whoop-de-doo.

Is that what you call
that ambulance-chasing
shyster in there?

The man is a disgrace.

An innocent girl like you,
you shouldn't even be
working here.

- Why don't you quit?
- I'm his wife.

Oh, oh.

Well, uh, I'm sorry there.

Well, at least
you deserve a raise.

I got one.

- What's your name?
- Bunker.

A Mr. Bunker
wants to talk to you.

Put him on hold.

Unfortunately,
he's not on the phone.

He's here in person.

Oy.

- Come right in.
- Thank you very much.

Go on.

Excuse us.

Levy, I got to talk
to you right away.

Hey, look, I got to
put you on hold.

Make it snappy, Bunker.
I got clients on hold here.

And what about them papers
you're supposed to be
working on?

What papers?

The papers that Murray Klein

called you up about,

about six weeks ago.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Come on, Levy,
you must've heard from them

unless you didn't get the
message from your little wife.

Oh, you noticed my wife, huh?

- Huh? Is that a winner?
- Yeah, all right.

- Forget you wife.
- I can't.

We've only been married
for two weeks.

Two weeks?

Look at this woman, will you?

This is how she looked
when I met her.

Runner-up in this year's

Ms. Keep Coney Island
Clean Beauty Contest.

Yeah, she should've won,
but it was definitely a fix.

- Oh, come on, Levy...
- The head judge was...

doing something with the winner.

Looks like you was...

doing something with the loser.

Yeah.

I love her.

Levy, when Klein called you
all them weeks ago...

Klein never called me.

He never called you?

Never.

Are you sure of that?

Absolutely.

Maybe he called
and you never took the call?

Sooner or later,
I take all of my calls.

To me, every blinking button

is the heartbeat of a person.

What is Murray Klein
trying to pull on me?

- What are you talking about?
- Why does he wanna stay
with me?

Why did he wanna come with me
in the first place?

Maybe he likes you.

Likes me? Impossible.

I agree with you.

Listen, Levy.

All I want from you is a paper.

Whereby I buy him out.

See, on of a loan of say,
25 or 30 years.

At your standing,
bank interest at say
three and a quarter percent.

'Cause I ain't no good for him.

And he sure ain't
no good for me.

So, you draw up
them papers and fast.

And get them over at the saloon
as soon as you can.

Because if you don't,
I'm warning you.

There's liable to be a m*rder.

m*rder? What m*rder?

Oh, you'll find out.

And for once, the cops
will be arresting a white guy.

You know,
I can't thank you enough

for making order out of chaos.

Murray.

Yes, Eleanor?

You and your partner
ought to be in jail.

No, I couldn't stand

not being able to see you

for 30 days or so.

Five years or so.

- Eleanor.
- Yes, Murray?

I know that the bookkeeping
up to now has been...

Well, shall we say
disappointing?

Let's say criminal.

No, don't say that.

And it can't go on, Murray.

Oh, it won't.

It won't,
I swear to you, Eleanor.

From now on, everything
will be perfectly in order,

on time, paid in full.

Murray.

Yes, darling?

Let me have my finger back.

I wanna point to something.

Of course, darling.

What?

That.

Hmm.

- $1,650.
- Yeah.

When is the Sovereign State of
New York gonna see this amount?

Well, when I go into town
to pick up our theater tickets,

I'll bring a certified check
over to your office.

Oh, I'm not gonna be
in my office this afternoon.

Your apartment?

100 East 57th Street,

7-B.

100 East 57th...

- 7-B.
- 7-B.

I can be there at 8:00.

Oh.

I can be there at 7:00.

I just...

I just wanna show you

that I'm interested.

Okay.

Show me.

Uh...

what, if I, uh...

if I may be so bold,
is going on in here?

What are you doing, socializing?

You should be sitting here,
doctoring up the books.

- My partner is a great kidder.
- Uh-huh.

Archie Bunker, Ms. Bradshaw
from the New York State
Tax Department.

Oh, Murray.

Ms. Bradshaw from the New York
State Tax Department.

Tax?

Oh.

Uh, hi.

Could I get you a drink?

Oh, no, thank you,
Mr. Bunker.

I've already had my,
uh, three-martini lunch.

Oh, oh, well.

I hope it was on us.

- Oh, no, Mr. Bunker.
- On me.

Could you even spring for that?

It's not done that way.

Mr. Bunker you have, uh,

a very charming partner.

- Eleanor.
- Archie: Oh, well.

Uh, I hope you don't mind,

but his charms
don't ring no bells for me.

Well, if you don't wanna
give him credit for his charm,

you could at least
give him credit for
keeping you out of jail.

Well, uh, what do you
mean by that, Miss...

- What do you call...
- Bradshaw.

- Bradshaw?
- Bradshaw.

You don't know how close
you came to losing your license.

An indictment
would have followed.

You could have been
closed down, for, uh,

oh, a year or two,
awaiting your trial.

You see, the penalty for fraud
is a very, uh, heavy fine.

Four or five years in jail.

Or both.

Good-bye, Mr. Bunker.

Oh, uh, good-bye there, Miss...

What do you call her?
It was very to, uh...

Uh, could we get you
another olive?

No, thank you.

What happened?

Harry, I'm gonna have
another martini.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
- Don't be walking.

I'm waiting to hear
what happened.

She is going to accept
the delinquent payment

instead of turning our case
over to the state attorney.

You should've seen Murray
operate, Arch.

- Oh, yeah?
- What the hell did he do?

I wouldn't know,
but the lady come in
like a lion,

went out like a lamb.

Listen, whether I stay here

or I lend you money
to buy me out,

I am going to protect
my investment.

Now, you're good, Arch,

but you're not good enough
to run this saloon
from the slammer.

Uh, well, uh...

well, I guess you done

pretty good here, partner.

Oh, thanks.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I have to run down on the bank.

I got a couple
of things to attend to.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Sure, go ahead. Go ahead.

You don't have
to rush back neither,

you know,
take the afternoon off.

Uh, in fact, uh, you could take

the whole rest
of the day off, you know.

I'll be on duty tonight.

So will I.