01x07 - Building the Restaurant

[bunniefuu]

Oh, gee, will you look at this?

Harry, where the hell are you?

Harry: In here, Arch.

This sign ain't supposed to be
laying on the pinball table.

It's supposed to be hanging
in the window there.

- And what are you doing here?
- Who's watching the store?

Anybody could walk
in the front door

go out with a case
or two of booze.

Get in here, will you?

Stop this will you?

If anybody was to see us,



they'd think
we're on our honeymoon.

Move!

Where is our
"Scandahoovian" contractor?

Did he show up
or is he drunk again?

Yes.

What do you mean "yes"?

He showed up
and he's drunk again.

- Oh, no. Where is he?
- He's in the kitchen.

You know, if we don't get
finished Saturday night,

we ain't gonna be able to
throw that large dinner here.

We're gonna be in big trouble.

Archie, we're already
in big trouble.

You know the bar's
been closed for a week.

Nothing's coming in,
everything's going out.



I figured we're in the hole
for about 12,000 bucks,

besides what we gave
that contractor.

Geez, why did we have to hire
a booze hound?

Hello, Mr. Bunker.

How the hell are you, lad?

Sorry, Mr. Bunker,

I just had breakfast.

What the hell did you have,
bourbon and eggs?

No, corn flakes and aquavit.

Listen, Swanson.

Three weeks ago,

you and your crew promised
to have this job done

in two weeks.

Mr. Bunker, what can I do?

My plasterer ran off
to play soccer.

My floor man is recovering
from stab wound.

The man who installs toilets

got molested.

But where the hell
does that leave us?

I just hired a new crew,

and you're damn lucky
to get them.

We're going broke here and
you're telling me I'm lucky?

You bet.

And you'll be even luckier

if either one of you
speaks Spanish.

- Why?
- They're Cubans.

Well, ship them back to Miami

- and get us some Americans, huh?
- -Arch, don't worry.

It just so happens that
I speak a little Cuban-ish.

Wait, wait a minute.
Wait a minute there, Swanson.

Who's gonna install
these toilets here?

I'm doing the best I can.

If you would stop
making changes, if you...

Well, hold it. Hold it.

I ain't made no changes
since the job began.

Did you make any changes here?

Wait a minute, Arch.
Now look, Arch.

I thought instead
of a single swinging door

into the kitchen,
we should have double doors,

which means when somebody
goes into the kitchen,

they won't bump into
somebody coming out.

Murray, we're only
gonna have one waiter.

What's he gonna do,
bump into himself?

What if he bumps into
the cook coming out?

The cook ain't never coming out.

The cook is supposed
to stay in the kitchen

at all times, ain't he?

Only if he's hiding
from Immigration.

All I'm trying to say

is that between the cook
and the waiter,

they can have a password,
you know, "coming through."

Now, Swanson...

Oh, where the hell
did this guy go?

Maybe he needs
a little more breakfast.

You know, after standing
alongside of this guy,

uh, I'm getting
a little hangover.

Don't forget, you hired him.

Remember I wanted to hire
the Blumenthal Brothers.

Murray, I told you before,

Jewish guys are okay for doctors

and lawyers, but not workers.

- It's true.
- You hand the Jew a hammer,

he'll auction off the building.

- Arch, don't start...
- Barney: Anybody in there?

- That stuff with me again.
- Oh, no. That's Barney.

- Don't tell him I'm here.
- Murray, don't tell him.

- Tell him I left, will you?
- All right, all right.

- Hiya, Murray.
- Good to see you, Barney.

- Hey, what's going on here?
- What do you mean?

Well, you guys
ain't gonna be ready

for the large banquet
on Saturday night.

- Murray Oh, get out, will you?
- Where is Arch?

He, uh, he just
stepped out for a while.

You're making any progress
in the kitchen?

Take a look.

Get away from the door.

- Am I bleeding here?
- No.

And why are you hiding
behind the door?

Why didn't you holler
"coming through"?

And why should I holler
"coming through"?

Because "coming through"
is the password

for all swinging doors.

Stupid, couldn't you
tell him that?

He thought "coming through"

was only for the cook
and the waiter.

Barney, we're very busy here,
you know.

Yeah. I can see that.

But perhaps you could
pause long enough

to give me back
the $1,000 advance

- from the lodge.
- What for?

Because we're having
the installation of offices

- at another venue.
- Why?

Look, I went out
on a limb for you,

the other brothers
didn't wanna come here,

but I, as president, insisted.

Oh, come on now, Barney.

- You see that we're...
- -Yeah, well, I'm gonna look up other banquet facilities

at the Holiday Inn.

Oh, and by the way,

one of you guys can be
writing out a check for $1,000.

- Wha...
- -Oh, you got the checkbook, Arch?

Why no, Murray, I thought
I handed that over to you.

No. I gave it to you.

Well, then it must be
around here somewhere.

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

Don't bother to
conduct a search.

I'd just assume have the cash.

All right, Barney.
Do you want the truth?

I'd rather have the cash.

Well, there ain't no cash.

Your $1,000 is spent.

Do you know that that could
mean expulsion from the lodge?

Well, I don't give a damn.

Are you ready to give up
your social privileges,

your Hudson River cruise,
your credit union,

and best of all,
your burial insurance

that includes a casket
and eight pallbearers?

Oh, come on.

Geez, I don't need
their pallbearers, do I?

No. You'd find a lot of guys
who'd be happy to bury you.

Well, as long as
you're still alive,

we're gonna sue you.

Hey, Barney,
let me tell you something,

you're a lousy democrat
and a fink.

And as long as I'm alive,

I'll never be buried
in the same cemetery with you.

I don't wanna be buried anyway!

I hate the ground.

- Me too.
- Cremation is more fun.

No, it ain't.

Cremation is burning.

Hey, I read
in the "National Enquirer,"

I can have myself frozen
for about 100 years.

Oh, that's a good time
to thaw you out.

Republicans might be in by then.

- Here we are.
- Right on time.

Just like I promised.

I want you to meet the new men.

Oh, come on now, Swanson.
I mean, what do I got
to meet them for?

I ain't gonna dance with them.

I just wanna get
some work out of them.

Archie, let me handle this, huh?

Make yourself comfortable.

This is Manuel, Morales, and...

Jesus.

The hell kind of a name
is Jesus?

That's Spanish for Jesus.

Oh, well, I ain't gonna
call him no Cuban Jesus.

I'll call him Joe.

Manny, Mo, and Joe.

Here is the plan.

All right.

Archie, I think we got a little
trouble with the kitchen.

- You know where the old freezer was?
- -Yeah.

- Well, the new one's bigger
than the old one.
- Oh.

Which means
when you open the door,

- you can't turn the gas on.
- Yeah.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi. What?

Should you guys be doing
this out here?

What do you want, Stephanie?

I was just checking out
the new restaurant.

Yeah, well, what do you
think of it?

I think it's a funny place
to put the john.

Go to school.

Arch, I think we can relax now.

There's no reason why
we shouldn't get this place
finished by Friday night.

We got a new crew there,
they're working hard.

You look at the new crew?

They just got here and
they're sitting down for lunch.

Do something, will you?

Stay calm.

Uh, no, no, no.

- Ah.
- Archie: What?

Lunch is in 20 minutes.
This is just a coffee break.

Aw, Murray, get out of there.

Let me take me over here.

All right. Now, hey, hey.

No coffee break-o before work-o,

muchacho.

Come on, wrap it all up here.

Swanson, Swanson,
get out of here, Swanson.

Come here, come here.

Will you start
these guys to work?

I meant to talk to you
about that.

They won't go to work

unless they get paid in advance.

Well, pay them.

I pay them as soon as
I get the money from you.

- Did you hear this?
- Now, wait a minute.

- What is this?
- Just a minute.

What about the $17,000?

You said you could pay them
out of that.

We had a few cost overruns.

I show you the invoices.

We ain't interested in
seeing no invoices, Swanson.

We just wanna see
some work done.

I need another $2,500.

We don't have $2,500.

We ain't got nothing.

Both: We are broke.

- All: Broke?
- Both: Broke.

Murray, Murray, Murray.
Come on.

What, what, what's going on now?

Broke is a well-known word
in Cuba.

Hey.
Wait, wait, wait a minute.

Get the hell back in here,
Jesus.

Adios, Gordo.

- What did he just say?
- So long, fatso.

Look at this
Swedish meatball here.

Where are you going, Swanson?

I'm feeling
a little thirst coming on.

I'm going around
the corner for a drink.

- The ship is sinking, Murray.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Now, where can we find you?

If I'm not in my office,

you can call me
at McFeeney's topless.

As soon as you get
the extra $2,500 I need,

the work can start again.

Well, we're sitting
in the right place, partner.

- Thanks very much.
- Terrific.

Ah, great.

Okay, now, everybody,
stop talking.

I suppose youse
are all wondering why

I gathered youse together here.

No, we're not wondering.

- We know.
- Youse know?

Yeah. You need money.

Well, don't look at me, Arch.

Don't look at me either.

Is he looking at me?

No.

He's looking at me, but it
ain't gonna do him no good.

Harry, you can lend us
the $2,500.

I haven't got it.

What do you mean
you haven't got it?

I bought you out
for $24,000 in cash.

That money's in
the Bowery Savings
and Loan.

Can't you take a little
of it out of there?

Not without suffering
a substantial penalty

for early withdrawal.

I told you that this wasn't
gonna work with these guys.

You said they was
friends of mine.

Get out of here, friends.

Anyone of them
has got some money,

and not one of them

would turn loose of any it.

Not even to help an old pal

out of a jam.

Get out here, friends.

They're d*adbeats, all of them.

Well, I don't mean you
Mr. Van Ranseleer.

I know you drank up
all your money years ago.

But the rest of them...

Friends? No, no.

No, no, no.

That's over.

Over, and I mean all over,
all over.

Wait, Arch.
Now, wait a minute now.

- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know, Murray.

I got to go out
make some phone calls.

If they don't pan out,
first thing tomorrow morning,

I'm gonna go
to the only guy I know

who can give me $2,500 fast.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

- Oh, Arch, no.
- Yes.

You mean this guy?

No.

That guy was poisoned
by his girlfriend.

I mean, this other guy.

I'll be back.

And when I get back here
tomorrow,

I don't expect to see
none of youse here.

In fact,

I don't wanna see none of youse
never no more.

My heart is broke with youse.

Well, are you
just gonna sit there,

or are we gonna do something
about this?

Hey, Harry, you know,
that floor looks slanting.

I know.
This used to be
a Chinese restaurant.

See if you can
straighten it out.

Hey, Hank.

Hank, come on.
Put up this picture, will you?

- Oh, sure.
-Right about over there.
Here's a hammer.

- Okay.
- I've got a nail.

- Hey, Murray.
- Yo?

- Give me a hand
with this, will you?
- Right. Okay.

Both:
One, two, three.

- Well, clean it up.
- Sure.

- Hank: Hey, Murray.
- Yeah.

How's that? It was crooked
but I straighten it out. See?

- No good. No good.
- Why? What's the matter?

It's the Leaning Tower of Pisa,
see?

- Hank: It leans like that?
- Murray: Yeah.

Well, you should see
the architect.

- Harry: Hey, Murray.
- Yeah.

Oh, Mr. Van Ranseleer.

You've run out of water.

You seem to be
pasting the window.

Oh, why didn't you tell me?

I don't do windows.-

Yeah. Come on in.

Oh, come on in, Arch.

- Come on in.
- Sit down, huh?

Hey, Archie, what's with
the worried look?

Everything's gonna be all right.

Yeah, well, it's just that
I'm little nervous.

It's the first time I ever had
to come to one of youse guys.

Well, what's to be
nervous about?

Look, Archie,
I'm just like your local bank

except with me,
you got the president,

the teller, and a bank guard

all rolled into one.

All right, Lou, I just wanna
talk to the president that...

Well, you got me, Arch.

Lou, you got to help me.

- I got a sudden call for money, you know.
- -Yeah.

I've been to the banks,
finance companies.

I even got so desperate,

I called my wife's relatives
over in Jersey,

so now you're the bottom
of the barrel.

I... Oh, I mean...

you're-you're my last hope.

Well, that's why I'm here.

Now, how much you wanna borrow?

- Well, see, uh, you've been in our bar.
- -Sure.

Well, my partner and me,
we wanna burst into
the restaurant,

- and make sure...
- Look, look, uh, Arch.

I'm not interested in all that.

All I wanna know is
how much do you need

and who's your next of kin?

Now, how much do you want?

Well, we figured that, uh,

on, uh, what do you call,
an estimate there,

uh, something, uh, well,
say, a figure in the...

We got to have $2,500.

I think I can
scrape it up, Arch.

Let's see, there's one thou,

two thou,

and one, two, three, four, five.

Here you go, 2,500.-

Oh, excuse me, Arch.

What?

What is that, Ralph?

What are you talking about?

Well, the guy said he would
have the money yesterday.

Now, look, if he
doesn't come up with it

by 3:30 this afternoon,

you'll tell him we're gonna be
very, very unhappy.

That's right.

No, no, no.

Don't do anything physical.

Just, uh, call up the florist

and have them send
a wreath to his house.

Just as a little reminder.

Okay, Ralph.

Excuse the interruption, Arch.

Now, uh, where were we?

Well, I was gonna
borrow some money,

but maybe I just thought to
buy a few groceries ought ya.

Oh, it's okay.

Look, let me just
tell you the terms.

Now, do you realize
we got no balloon payments

and there's none of those
hidden costs?

We just charge a straight 20%.

Oh, oh, hey.

Geez, the banks are charging
almost 13 now.

That ain't so bad, 20% a year.

That's, uh, 20% a week.

- Yeah, all right.
- Well, what the hell.

I only need the dough
for a couple of weeks.

But, Louie,
I ain't got no collateral.

Of course you got
collateral, Arch.

- I have?
- Sure.

Your legs.

My legs?

Your legs.

You see, until you pay us back
the money, Archie,

we own your legs.

Archie: Murray.

What the hell happened?

A miracle.

I mean... I mean,
what do you mean?

Who, uh...

who, who done all of these?

Well, let say
the good fairies did it, huh?

- Oh, come on, come on.
- Come on, Murray.

- Come on, tell me, tell me.
- Who was the good fairies?

All:
We are the good fairies.

Huh? These...

And Murray is
our fairy Godmother.

- Archie:
What the hell happened here?
- Murray: Archie, Archie.

I want you to meet your friends.

These are your true friends.

Well, what... Are you...
Are you telling me

that these crumbs done
all of these for us here?

And they worked all night.

Oh, well, I don't know
what the hell to say.

Well, youse fairies
done one hell of a job.

Yeah. We worked our wands off.

We wouldn't let you go down
to the drain, Arch.

- Oh, thanks.
- -Listen, Arch, it's time to celebrate

with a magnum of champagne.

- Come on, Murray.
- Don't be cheap.

Open up a full quart, huh?

Uh, listen.

I got to apologize
to youse guys.

I wanna shake your hands.

- Harry.
- Hey, Arch.

Hey, Mr. Van Ranseleer.

No, I'm over here Mr. Van R.

And Hank and Barney.

Geez, I said terrible
things to youse guys.

You deserved it at the time.

- Hold it.
- But you know, my motto is

"Hey, forgive and forget."

And I wanna tell you,
this is the happiest day...

Oh, my God.

What's the matter?

Oh, my God.

Oh...

you got the money?

Yeah. I got it.

- Well, give it back.
- I can't.

What do you mean you can't?
Why not?

I went straight from Louie,
the loan shark,

over to McFeeney's topless,
I found Swanson there.

I turned over the whole $2,500.

Oh, Arch.

We'll never see that again.

I could cry.

You? Me too.

You know, but, you know,
I could almost laugh.

What's so funny?

Over there at McFeeney's,

there's eight topless girls,

but I was
the biggest boob of all.