01x08 - The Cook

[bunniefuu]

Archie:
Uh, well, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Now, as I understand it there,

uh, Mr. So and So,

you, uh, formally got some

- previously experience, right?
- Thank you.

Mr. Yamatoko,
my partner wants to know

if you've ever worked
in any other restaurant?

Oh, 68 years old.

Let me try, Murray, huh?

- Make him understand.
- Murray: Yeah.

Uh, Mr. Yamaha here, uh...

where you cooking?

Huh?

Name me, name me
restaurant yogi doggy?

Uh, cook steak,

teriyaki on the grill.

I show you.

And then take a knife,

chop, chop, chop,

chop, chop.

- That could be a crowd pleaser.
- Archie: Sure.

Hungry costumers,
they'd love watching

an old ch*nk
chopping off his hand.

- Japanese, Arch.
- Uh, same thing,

same thing, Murray.

Geez, let's face it.

The man can't hardly speak
no good English.

We can't use him.

Well, Mr. Yamatoko, uh,

my partner and I feel
that this won't work out.

We wanna thank you
for dropping by.

When do I start?

He seems to turn everything
around, don't he, Arch?

Yeah, I wish they would've
sent him to b*mb Pearl Harbor,

he'd got Tokyo.

Nice meeting you there,

what do you call...

Sayonara and banzai.

Mr. Bunker.

Yeah? -

Geez.

I didn't think Orientals

done things like that.

Hey, Arch, we are gonna have
to postpone the opening.

- Why? What for?
- Do you cook?

Oh, come on.
Don't worry about it, will you?

I'm gonna get you a cook.

A sign on the window
don't seem to be working.

Well, that's why I'm looking up
some agencies here.

You've turned down eight cooks
already there.

Five, because you are too cheap
to pay the price

and three because
they were foreigners.

- Where'd they come from?
- -Well, this guy came from Japan,

one was from Bulgaria,
the other was from Argentina.

Who was the guy from Argentina?

The German.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, is one of you guys
named Witin?

No, there ain't nobody here
by that name.

You got a sign
on the window says,

"Cook wanted, ask Witin."

Geez, what a dummy.

That's "within."

Within is spelled with an H.

Uh, look, uh, lady, uh,

we're trying to find a cook,
not a professor.

Excuse me.
Are you applying for the job?

I'm, uh, considering applying.

Welcome, come here, sit down.

Archie: Uh, Murray.

Murray, Murray, I want a man.

- Murray.
- -Stay out of this, will you, please?

A man... a chef
is supposed to be a man.

So what's the salary?

Oh, oh, oh, oh,
get her over there.

Hey, listen, sis,

let me give you
a little piece of advice

before you leave
on your next job interview,

which should be
in about ten seconds.

Or we should let the bosses
here asked the questions.

What's your name?

Veronica Rooney.

Rooney, oh.

Any relationship to Mickey?

I'm his ex-wife.

On the screen,
I'm known as Ava Gardner.

Look, I don't wanna
waste any time.

I am a terrific cook.

For the past three years,

I was the chef at Dino's Grotto,

right here in Queens.

Dino's... oh, hey, Arch,

that's a terrific place.

Yeah, if you got to know

if they eat octopus as marinara.

Well, why did you leave?

Oh, Dino, he was always
making passes, you know.

I can understand that.

So can I.

Dino is always making
passes at anything.

Why, Murray? It's the truth.

Dino's over 92 years of age

and I once seen him throw his
arms around his pinball machine.

What's the salary?

Oh, it's very low there,
sis, very low.

$160 a week.

So long, fellas.

So long, Ava.

Why don't you tell me
what you want?

500.

Give our regards to Mickey, Ava.

How about 375?

I can't hear you.

Bad connection.

385?

You're still very weak.

Must be birds on a wire.

Listen, Veronica, what did they
pay you down at Dino's place?

450.

Oh, 450.

But you're in luck.

You see, I'm a sucker when it
comes to opening new places.

So, uh, I'm willing
to start at 400.

Oh, oh, you got it, you got it.

Hold it.

Where's the kitchen?

- Right in there.
- Hold it.

See if you like it.

- Okay.
- Hold it.

Here, we just got this
whole place just all
fixed up for you.

- Veronica: I hope it's clean.
- Hold it.

And it's all new.

It's perfect.

It's all wrong.

It can be changed.

Look at this floor.

It is terrible, yeah.

What's the matter with it?

It should be linoleum, not tile.

Tile is classy.

It's hard on the feet.

It's easy to clean.

Don't be stupid.

Nothing is easy to clean.

Besides, look at this.

Now, if that floor
been linoleum,

that plate would be alive today.

She's absolutely right.

Whew, whew.

- Don't you have a window?
- Archie: Why?

What do you need a window for?

- Breathing.
- I'm hooked on air.

- Where's your cooler?
- The machine is coming.

There's the hole.

Well, until it
gets cool in here,

I don't want neither of you guys
coming into this kitchen.

Whatever you say.

- Wait a minute.
- Why not?

Because if it gets too hot,

I'll be working in
brassiere and panties.

Geez, thanks for the warning.

So, uh, Veronica,

you'll be coming in tomorrow,
won't you?

- Now, what time?
- Well, 5:30 a.m. to 8:00.

I got to shop for the food.

I'll be in the kitchen, 9:00.

That is terrific.

- One more thing.
- You got it.

Hold it.

I hope you haven't hired
a waiter, yet.

No, no, no. Not yet.

Good.

My nephew is the waiter.

It's part of my deal.

I'll buy that, a cook
and a waiter for 400 a week.

Oh, no.

My nephew gets his own 125,
plus tips.

And he don't split tips
with nobody.

What-what... wait a minute.

Ain't that a little strong
for a waiter?

125 and all the plus there?

Uh, let's say 100?

Let's say good-bye forever.

- Veronica, don't say that.
- I'm sorry.

But my nephew is my partner.

You don't know how hard it is
to find the right partner.

Tell me about it.

Listen, Ava.

- So what do you say?
- You got a deal.

Archie: Hold it.

He's a terrific waiter,

- you're not gonna be sorry.
- I'm sure.

- Every day now, we're gonna
have a different soup.
- Good.

Two special sandwiches.

- A Robin's and my own Italian submarine.
- -Archie: Hey.

Three hot blue-plate specials,

New York-minute steaks
and burgers,

special cheese cake,
and an assorted pie.

You know what I think?

You should never think.

- So long, boys.
- I'll see you tomorrow.

So long, Veronica.-

We're in business, partner.

We're in trouble, partner.

No, we're not.
We're gonna be fine.

That woman can run
our restaurant.

That woman can run
the restaurant at Leavenworth.

- That's what I mean.
- She scares me.

She's smart.

If the good Lord
had made women to be smart,

he'd have made them
out of brains instead of ribs.

Fred?

Hey, Veronica. Come here.

- Come, come here.
- Look at this.

Look, isn't that a fantastic
piece of Cloisonne.

Oh, isn't that just to die from?

Yes, yes, it's terrific.

Fred, we got the job.

Well, sensational.

Yeah, now, there's two partners.

Don't let the fat one bug you.

Why? What's his problem?

You know how the dinosaurs died
because they didn't have brains?

Yeah.

Well, this one lived.

Ju

Just

Just a

Just abo

Just about

Just about a

Just about a f

Just about a foo

Just about a foot

Just about a foot an

Just about a foot and

Just about a foot and a

Just about a foot and a ha

Just about a foot and a half

Just about a foot and a half,

Just about a foot and a half, no

Just about a foot and a half,
no m

Just about a foot and a half,
no mor

Just about a foot and a half,
no more,

Just about a foot and a half,
no more, a

Just about a foot and a half,
no more, and

Just about a foot and a half,
no more, and k

Just about a foot and a half,
no more, and kee

Just about a foot and a half,
no more, and keep

Just about a foot and a half,
no more, and keep it

Just about a foot and a half,
no more, and keep it s

Just about a foot and a half,
no more, and keep it str

Just about a foot and a half,
no more, and keep it strai

Just about a foot and a half,
no more, and keep it straigh

Just about a foot and a half,
no more, and keep it straight.

Hey, guys,
what do you think about
my rolling partition now, huh?

Hey, that's terrific, Arch,
and the greenery is great.

Oh, yeah, and the best thing
about these is they never
need water.

All you got to do is keep them
fresh with furniture polish.

Hey, Ms. Watson,
Ms. Watson, look here.

I see your guest from the
First National is at the door.

- I'll let them right in.
- Thank you, Mr. Bunker.

Come on in, your hostess here
is waiting for you.

Go right over and sit down.

Hey, we're gonna cater to
the banking crowd in here, huh?

I think the place
is gonna be very popular.

It's just what
the neighborhood needed.

Oh, thank you very much,
Ms. Watson.

As you can see,
we welcome "minororities" here.

Look, I know you're close
to the kitchen,

but your back is to the smell
so what the hell do you care,
huh?

- Hey, how are we doing over here?
- -Fine, fine.

- This is great.
- Look at this.

She eats like a bird
and you like a government mule.

- As long as you enjoy yourself.
- It's fine.

The food was superb,
our compliments to the chef.

I choose all the menus,
you know.

Here you go.
Here's your table right there.

Archie:
Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Archie, you remember these gals, huh?
- -Yeah, sure, sure.

Hello. Hello there.

Hello. Look at you, you're
gonna go crazy tonight, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, come on, you guys,
don't make a hangout here.

Don't sit here, order something.

- We're trying to get a waiter.
- All right, I'll get the waiter
for you...

Oh, my God.

Hey, hey.

Give me this one.

What are you doing with beer?

Soft drinks
are bad for my teeth.

What do you want to do?

Grow up to be a c*ck-eyed bimbo
with bad breath and bow legs?

Who's gonna marry a girl rummy?

I guess a boy rummy.

Finish up and go back to school!

Hey, hey, use your head,
will you?

You want me to get thrown
in to the clink?

The child gets milk, not beer.

But she said she was 18.

Hey, what do we have to do
for service here?

- With you in a minute.
- I've only got two hands.

- Hey, Murray.
- Yo.

- I got to get back to work.
- Can we have some service?

Oh, come on.
Give us a break.

It's opening day for us, huh?

Fred, Fred, take their order
right away, they got to get out.

- Okay, boys, there you go.
- What'll it be?

The soup du jour today
is Manhattan clam.

We have steaks
and hamburgers to order.

And the luncheon specials
are meatloaf, fresh halibut,

and a scrumptious
broiled chicken.

Make mine meatloaf.

And you, sir?

I'll have meatloaf, too.

I should've guessed.

There's so something
so "meatloaf"

about both of you.

What did he mean by that?

I don't know, but he just
forfeited us gratuity.

Okay, yeah, that...

- Okay.
- Gracias.

Two more meatloafs,
Aunt Veronica.

Oh, how are you doing,
sweetheart?

Fine.

Why? You're worried about me?

Uh...

just stick to business
this time,

you know what I mean?

No romance, huh?

With these slobs?
I'll liable to go straight.

Uh, don't forget to ask
for dessert, girls.

- Hey, captain.
- -Yeah, captain, captain, that's me.

What can I do for you?

- Everything was swell, but where is our coffee?
- -Oh, geez.

They didn't bring
coffee for youse here?

- Wait, I'll get it now.
- Hey, hey.

- You snapped?
- That's right.

And when I snap my fingers,
you snap your butt.

Don't snap.

My name is Fred.

That's a hell of a lot faster.

Faster than Fred?

Try them together.

Fred.

It's a dead heat, Arch.

Who asked you, Barney?

Okay, Fred.

Coffee to table 11.

- Hey, Arch.
- What?

About your waiter...

What about him?

Do you detect a hint of mint?

No, I do not.

- What?
- Nothing. I didn't say nothing.

- Murray, Murray.
- Now, what?

- Cut this out and listen to me, will you?
- -What's the matter now?

Your cook's nephew is a flyer.

- I can see that.
- Who cares?

I care. I care.

I'm gonna fire him.

You can't fire him now.

There's a room
full of customers.

I ain't gonna fire him today.

I'll let him finish today.

But tomorrow morning,
I don't want a kid in here

who's red-blooded.

Look, if the kid
does his job good,

I don't care if his blood
is chartreuse.

Well, that's what this kid's is.

Murray, listen to me, will you?

- What? What?
- We've got to let him go.

If we don't,
our regular customers
will start walking out,

and you know the kind of people
starting waltzing in here.

Our little restaurant
will turn into a fruit stand.

Would you stop being so dumb?

That kid will never
lay a hand on you.

How the hell can you be so sure?

- Because you're not that cute.
- That's why.

Hey, Veronica... Oh, geez.

- What?
- -Are you done what you're doing?

Yeah, yeah, I'm done. What?

I don't wanna break in on you,

but I have a very delicate
question I got to ask you.

What?

Do you know that
your nephew is a f*g?

Yeah.

What do you mean "yeah"?

"Yeah" means so what?

So how could you and your family
let a thing like that happen?

I don't know.

One day we sent him to the store

and that's the way he came home.

Oh, my God.

Well, don't that
break your heart?

Yeah, I wish he could
be more like you.

But why don't send him
to somebody?

Why don't you do something?

I suppose I could
have him tattooed.

Oh, well, now, you may
think you're kidding,

but that ain't a bad idea.

Now, listen, we're gonna
pay him for a day's work,

but tomorrow, we got to get
another waiter in here.

Then get yourself another cook.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
that ain't fair, Veronica.

Yeah, I guess it ain't.

- You know, that's a hold up.
- Yeah, I guess it is.

Well, I ain't gonna
stand still for no hold up.

Now, you do what you wanna do.
You go or you stay.

- But he goes.
- See, he goes.

And that's all there is to it.

And I'll tell you
something else,

you ought to say again
to get him tattoos.

And no flowers or nothing,

just make it battleships
and daggers.

Murray, I talked to Veronica.

- That the boy's got to go.
- She wants to go too.

- Let her go. That's that.
- Murray: What do you mean
"that's that"?

- Archie: That's that.
-Murray: What did you do?
Damn it.

Archie:
That's that, Murray.

Veronica.

Veronica, I got to
tell you something.

No, listen.

You know the dinner
was terrific,

the lunch was perfect.

You know, you're a great chef.

She was a great chef.

Murray, I got an idea.

Veronica, just give me a few
minutes to straight it out, huh?

Let me buy you a drink
at the bar.

- I'll have it right here.
- No, I mean one of mine.

This is one of yours.

Oh.

What do you mean "no"?

Can't your wife
come in for few days

and help us over this crisis?

She wouldn't cook for you.

She don't even cook for me.

Give me a beer, will you?

What the hell are women
doing nowadays?

Hey, Arch, I just straighten
the whole thing out.

Spoke to Veronica,
she's gonna stay on with us

- and so as the nephew.
- Oh, no, Murray.

- Oh, yes.
- Oh, no, no.

- What? What no?
- Nope.

You know I'm a
live-and-let-live guy.

But that kid, I'm telling you,

he's just too, too, too...

Too-too what?

Too limp.

Oh, I see what you're saying.

You're saying if he were black,

you wouldn't want him
too black, huh?

Well, no, that wouldn't be good.

And if he were Jewish,
you wouldn't wanna him
too Jewish, huh?

That wouldn't be no good
neither, all due respect.

Why does everybody
have to change for you?

Why don't you change
for a change?

What... Why...
You hear this over here?

Why don't I change?

What the hell
do you want me to be,

a g*y black heeb?

Hey, Murray, are we in or out?

- You're in.
- You're out.

- In.
- Out.

- In.
- Out. Out.

Now, Murray, Murray.

The real reason for this

just come over me
this minute here.

This here waiter's job

really ought to go to one

of you "minororities."

I'm a minority.

God knows that's true.

I mean, it ought to go
to a young man

who's supporting his mother
or something.

I support my mother.

I mean, a veteran in the army.

I'm a veteran.

I mean, a veteran of Vietnam.

Would you believe
the Green Berets?

That does it.

The kid wins.

See? Now, I say he stays.

- Murray.
- He stays.

- Murray.
- He stays.

- Murray.
- Look, good cook.

- Murray.
- Happy customers.

Over 200 lunches and dinners.

See you in the morning?

Yeah, sure.

I'll be here with bells on.

Good job, Fred.

Hey, Veronica.

If you're gonna be in at 5:30,
you gonna need the keys.

Well, you know,

I just can't take
all of this in.

Mr. Van Ranseleer,

how do you...
forget the expression,
see all of this?

Oh, I can sympathize
with the young fella, Arch.

I know what it's like
to be different.

Remember when I first
started coming in here?

You were pretty uncomfortable
when I was around.

No, I wasn't.

Oh, yes, you were.

You either tried to ignore me

or you beg too much
attention of me.

No, I didn't.

You still treat me different.

No, I don't.

You treat me with more respect

than you treat anybody else.

Yeah, well, you're blind.

Got me there, Arch.

Hey, Arch.

Arch, you did a good thing.

Yeah, well, I wanna
tell you something.

I didn't do it
because I want it.

Well, listen, you did it.
That's the important thing.

- Let me ask you one question.
- All right.

Now, did you believe,
honest to God on this,

did you believe that kid's crap
about the Green Berets?

Green? No.

Berets, I believe.

Oh, oh.

Yeah.

But, uh, you know,

what I really mean,
Mr. Van Ranseleer,

is that, uh,

things are moving so fast
nowadays, you know.

I mean, I can hardly
catch up with anything.

Everyone's just...
I got a wife who's out working.

I got a partner who's Jewish.

Now, I got a take f*gs
in my business.

You know, I mean,

why is the world changing like
this here, all of a sudden?

I mean, why can't
the world wait?

For what?

For me.

Arch,

if the world stops for you,

everybody will fall off.