01x09 - Murray and the Liquor Board

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my head.

Oh, shut up.

Hey, drink this, Barn.

You'll feel better.

A little hare of the dog
that bit you.

You know, I got sick on
your booze last night, Arch.

This ought to be on the house.

Well, it ain't.

That's gonna cost you
two dollars,

'cause Harry put
a raw egg in that.

Don't tell me what's in it.

Bottoms up, Barn.

Yeah, oh, yeah, please,

drink your it all at once, huh?

I always hate to see
a long blob of egg

stretching between
the rim of the glass

and a guy's chin.

Hey, Arch,
where's Murray with my check?

Where's Murray with my kid?

Somebody stuck him
with a couple of tickets.

Stephanie was the only one
to go with him.

Tickets to what?

The ballet.

Who's playing?

Uh, Baryshnikov.

I thought he was traded
to Pittsburg.

Oh, hey, take a look
at this, Harry.

- Here it is, here it is.
- Harry: What's that, Arch?

It's the letter for Murray

from the Alcoholic
Beverage Control Board.

Oh, about his interview, huh?

Yeah, must be.

Maybe I better open it, huh?

Hey, it's addressed to Murray.

- Well...
- It ain't ethical to open

other people's mail, Arch.

Who said so?

Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Who the hell are them guys?

Open the letter.

Ahh.

What are you doing
in my kitchen?

I need more beauty in my life.

And why ain't you working here?

I'm on my coffee break.

You take about
11 of them every day.

It's my only vice.

Ahh, God bless you, Mrs. Alston.

Don't be trying to figure out
what I'm doing here.

Oh, I know what you're doing.

That poor envelope
has stuffed sinuses,

and you're trying
to steam them open.

Get away from me, will you?

Any mail for Harry or me?

Or can I turn off the kettle?

Yes. Huh.

Let's see this here.

Oh, gee, this is ain't good.

This ain't good at all.

What? What ain't good?

Read this.

- "- Dear Mr.
- Klein, your appointment regarding your eligibility

to hold a liquor license is
scheduled Monday, 9:00 a.m.,

be prepared to answer questions

regarding your felony conviction

for as*ault
with a deadly weapon."

Must be some other Murray Klein.

Oh, no, come on will you?

This is our Murray Klein.

Murray couldn't as*ault anybody.

Well, how do you know?

He punched around a lot of guys
when he was in the ring.

Murray cringes
when I beat an egg.

He's no k*ller.

Well, you know, all the same.

Remember the old saying?

If there's a fire
in the chimney,

there's got to be water
on the roof."

What?

You know what I mean,
don't hang me up on every word.

Listen, listen,

just in case
he should turn out to be,

you know, uh, a k*ller,

you could say that
you opened this letter.

Why?

Because he certainly
ain't gonna hit a lady.

Or you.

"as*ault with a deadly weapon"?

Here it is in black and white,

I got an ex-con for a partner.

Hmm, sometimes,
send them old boxes

blow their tops.

Maybe he k*lled somebody.

I never heard
anything like that.

Well now, listen,

when he comes in here,
don't say nothing to
get him excited, huh?

Don't let on you know
what's in this here letter.

Don't say a word.

I'm too sick to say anything.

- I didn't hear nothing.
- You're covered, Arch.

You got speak no evil,
hear no evil, and me.

- Uncle Archie, Uncle Archie.
- Oh, here she is, here she is.

You got back.

The ballet was terrific.

It was beautiful.

I don't wanna take
piano lessons anymore.

I wanna take ballet.

Well, what's next, Lord?

Hey, kid, you want a hunk
of banana cream pie?

Veronica, what about her teeth?

No one ever broke a tooth
on banana cream pie.

- Come on, Stephie.
- Coming.

How'd you like
the ballet, Murray?

It would've been
better with hot dogs.

Why would you look for
hot dogs at the ballet?

Well, during the second act,
I woke up hungry.

Well, then.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing, nothing.

My nose running or something?

No, no.

What are you staring at?

What are you staring at?

The look on your face.

Uh, what does
the look look like?

A man who's gonna be attacked.

No, no.

Hey, that's the furthest thing
from my mind, Murray.

Let me get in there, will you?

- Yeah, sure.
- Go ahead, go ahead.

- Harry.
- Yeah, Murray?

- Get me a martini, will you?
- Oh, sure, sure.

I tell you, the next guy
who tries to hustle me
for ballet tickets,

I'm gonna take a bar stool
and I'm gonna pound him.

Why are you staring at me?

Who's staring?

Can I have a sip of your coffee?

Uh, uh, uh, uh.

Caffeine will
make you cross-eyed.

So, you have a good time
with your uncle Murray?

Yeah, I like being
taken out by a man.

Don't you?

I don't remember.

Men don't keep telling you
that you're hat's crooked

or your socks are coming down,

or you got something
on your face.

They just tell you
you're okay and fall asleep.

Yeah, coming back to me now.

Hmm, this pie's delicious.

Honey, did you ever see
Murray get mad?

I mean, real mad, like, uh,
he wanna hit somebody?

Yeah, he got real mad today.

What about?

Well, a cab driver
wouldn't take us

from the city to here,

so Murray kicked his cab.

Kicked his cab?

What'd the cabby do?

He got scared
and drove into another cab.

And the policeman's horse
hoisted up on his hind legs,

and the people screamed,
and a lady fainted,

and two other men
started a fight.

And the cop arrested the cabby.

I bet Murray
felt bad about that.

I don't think so.

He gave a monster laugh.

What's a monster laugh?

See a pile of junk like this,
I could m*rder the mailman.

Take him apart.

I, uh...

I think I'll take my break now.

Uh, anything interesting?

Why do you ask?

What do you mean?

Hanging around, Barney?

No, I'm walking home.

Uh, yeah, me, too.

Let's jog.

Harry: See you later.

Anybody wanna go hear a movie?

Hey, wait for me.

Ah, bum.

You gonna be in early Monday?

Oh, yeah,
I'll be in before 8:00,

so you could go straight
from your apartment

to the meeting at the ABC Board
and clear yourself.

Clear myself at the ABC Board?

Did I mention that to you?

Oh, yeah, you must have.

When?

Uh...

I think right after you
mentioned how you wanted
to k*ll the mailman.

Murray, please, no violence,

there's helpless women
and children in the joint.

Shut your hatch.

- Archie.
- Who? Me?

What do you want?

You opened my mail.

Why?

Because, uh...

I didn't get none myself.

How dare you open my letter.

Now, wait a minute, Murray.

How dare you, my partner,
con me that way.

You never said
you was in the big house.

What the hell
are you talking about?

I was never in the big house
and this is none of
your business.

Oh, Murray, I'm sorry.

Everything about my partner
is my business.

My personal life
is none of your business.

My past has got nothing
to do with you.

Don't you see, Murray?

Listen, maybe over in Jersey

they will let an ex-con
run a bar and grill,

or be the mayor.

But this is New York.

They probably won't even
let you go on a license with me.

I am not an ex-con.

This thing happened
ten years ago.

What thing?

Ten years ago, I was picketing.

You was picketing?

What are you, a communist?

No, I'm a capitalist, you klutz.

I was picketing
the DOW Chemical Company.

Oh, hold it, hold it, hold it.

The DOW Chemical Company, why?

For manufacturing napalm.

Huh?

Napalm, that's the stuff
we dropped on Vietnam.

And when it lands, it explodes

and clings to people
and it burns them.

Murray, we was at w*r
with them people.

What do you expect us to drop
on them, aftershave lotion?

I'm gonna walk Stephie
to her lesson.

Oh, yeah, swell,
Veronica, swell.

And, Murray,
I just want you to know,

I got a lot of sympathy
for guys like you.

All my life,
I've been attracted by mugs.

Just like a moth to flame.

They was all sweet
fellas at heart,

you know, just kicked around
by society

until there was nothing left
for them to do

but go to night clubs

and bump off Italians.

Veronica.

Oh.

- This is hopeless.
- I don't believe this.

Look, let me get to the point,
I hit a cop.

You hit a cop, why?

Because of a friend who
was picketing with me,

John Locken.

Is that the John Locken that
tends bar at McFeeney's Topless?

No, this is John Locken
who was a Catholic priest
on the West Side.

What?

"Was"?

You made friends
with a Catholic priest...

Don't you know that a priest
can hypnotize a Jew?

Didn't your father
never tell you that?

Will you let me finish?

Who's stopping you?

This cop knocked Johnny Locken

down on the ground and then
stomped on his glasses.

Why the hell did you
make such trouble

over a lousy pair of glasses?

The man was wearing them
at the time.

Oh.

Wait a minute.

What was the deadly weapon
you used?

My fist.

That ain't no deadly weapon.

The law says it is
when you've been a fighter,

but I had no previous records,
so they gave me
a suspended sentence.

The letter here says
you got a conviction.

A suspended sentence
is a conviction,

there's no fine and no jail.

And no liquor license.

There will be a liquor license.

I got a full pardon.

All I have to do is show it
to them and that's that.

That ain't.
You don't understand, Murray.

You don't know nothing
about these boards,

these boards is all powerful.

They'll tell you
to stuff that pardon

where nobody
will wanna look for it.

Murray...

on Monday morning,

I'm going down
to that meeting with you.

I don't want you there.

Murray, Murray...

you need me.

You need someone
who's calm and peaceful.

And who will give you
a good character reference.

Hey, Murray, you oughta
take a look at this?

There's a guy a mile up
in the Woolworth building

washing windows.

I don't wanna see that.

Geez, you better look quick,

he could fall any second.

What's the matter with you?

- Well, outside of you, nothing.
- Come on, come on.

You got to calm down,
be peaceful, there.

We got to prove to
these here people that
you ain't a cop k*ller.

I keep telling you,
I'm not a cop k*ller.

You keep telling
that I am cop k*ller.

- Because I don't...
- Good morning.

Archie: Good morning,
good morning, yeah.

- Oh, we're in luck.
- How come?

I know this guy
from up here before.

You see, this is
a straight-sh**ting
conservative guy

- like myself.
- Oh, we're in trouble.

- Don't say that.
- This is the kind of a man

who will protect the citizen
from big government.

Uh, hello there, mister.
What are you called?

- Henderson.
- Yeah, whatever.

Uh, you remember me?
The last time I was up here,

you and me,
we had a nice little chat.

You know, you was telling me
how the Canadian dollar

was hurting American,
I was saying we're going to send

an armored division up there.

You remember?

- No.
- Oh.

And which one of you men
is Mr. Klein?

I'm Mr. Klein.

This is my business partner,
Mr. Bunker.

Yeah, I already got
my license up here...

- You don't remember huh?
- No.

Oh. Well, geez, I do.

I remember on that occasion, uh,

I didn't have to, uh,

pay anything extra,

if you know what I mean.

Though, uh, I was certainly
prepared to do that.

Mister, uh...

- Bunker.
- Bunker.

For your information,
payments of any kind

are never even discussed
in this office.

Oh.

Well, I thought
it was worth a shot.

Could you speak louder?
I can't hear you.

I wasn't talking to you, sis.

I have to take everything down.

Yeah, but this here was private.

"Yeah, but this here
was private."

She even took that down there.

Did you ever see such crapola?

Is that with one "P" or two?

Oh, uh, I believe, uh, three.

Let's get on with this.

Uh, according to the record,

Mr. Klein has
a felony conviction.

That's right,
but I also have a full pardon

signed by the governor
of the State of New York,

and there you are.

Well, the governor isn't here.

I am.

Why did you hit a cop?

- Well, if you'll
look up the record...
- If I... if I may here.

He didn't know
what he was doing.

He was hypnotized by a priest.

Excuse me, I did know
what I was doing.

I was protesting
the dropping of napalm

- on helpless women and children.
- - Oh, geez.

Where?

Vietnam.

North or South?

There were women and children

in both places.

The North Vietnamese

were our enemies, Mr. Klein.

Really, Mr. Henderson?

I don't remember w*r
being declared on Vietnam.

Oh, hey, hey,

my partner's right about that.

There was never
no declaration of w*r.

See, because our government
figured Vietnam

was too little a country
to qualify for that.

Don't help me.

- Politically, aren't you a little on the left, Mr.
- Klein?

- Oh, now wait.
- No, no, no, wait, wait

Hold it now. Wait a minute.

No, no, he is a capitalist,
just like myself,

but he's very soft-hearted,
you know.

He didn't wanna go on
burning them gooks down there

because he knew we was getting
enough of them anyway

with the b*ll*ts.

Would you shut up?

Archie:
What the hell?

Ah, Mr. Klein,

you hit a policeman
while you were picketing.

Do you always use your fists to
prove you're against violence?

Only when necessary.

Well, let me ask you this, then,

do the two of you ever hold...

meetings of any kind
in your tavern?

- Oh, no, no, no.
- Now, look you've got

my partner,
just okay the license,

- will you?
- Will you keep calm?

Don't tell me to keep calm.

Who the hell
does he think he is?

I'll tell you who I think I am.

I'm the man who decides
whether you get this license.

Pardon my interrupt here,

uh, I mean, uh,
I really don't see

the relationship
between, uh, business,

selling booze and all of this,
uh, chicken dodo going on.

For future reference,
"chicken dodo"

has one "O" in each "do."

Look, will you just okay
the license

and let me get
the hell out of here?

I'm not through with
your investigation, Mr. Klein.

And you, Bunker, remember,

all your foul language
is being recorded.

Yeah, well, I didn't...
I can see that,

but like my partner says,

you got a full pardon
right there in front of you.

Yeah, and I know
where you can stuff that.

You see, I told you
he was gonna say this.

Shall I tell you
where to stuff it?

No, you don't have to do that.

I think we know exactly
where you mean.

And that ain't
very nice to there, Mr...
What do you call it?

And you, sis, you be sure

you get down all of his nasties

along with thems of my own.

I got it.

You know, uh,
I got to say, a thought

just, uh, cross my mind here.

You know,
our beloved ex-president,

Richard E. Nixon now, uh,

he might be moving to New York

now that his neighbors
don't have to look at him.

Well,

supposing that he wanted
to open up a gin mill,

and there's a man with a full
pardon just like that there.

What would you do,
refuse him a license?

You, uh, needn't record that,
Ms. Goochie.

I have to.

And I have to put in,
"you needn't record that,
Ms. Goochie."

- Did you see that there?
- Yes, you can't do that.

You can't get away
with that, brother.

That is a highly ill*gal
move you just made.

Don't you throw
the law up to me.

I can hold this thing
up for a year.

Well, I'll tell you
what we could do.

We could go right over your head
to your bosses there.

I'll you what I could do.

I can have my attorneys
come in here

to see you associates.

Seven savage Jews that
will pick your bones clean.

All right.

All right.

License granted.

You two deserve each other!

God help this country!

"License granted.

You two deserve each other.

God help this country.

Henderson storms out of room."

Huh? Uh-huh? Huh?

Huh? Uh-huh?

- Hey.
- There we are.

- You got your license, partner.
- Yeah, thanks, Arch.

I really did need you after all.

- I done good, right?
- Sure you did.

Listen, if he broke my glasses,
I'd bet you'd hit him.

- That bum?
- I'd have belted him out.

You know, first the left jab,
then the feint,

the left hook, and a right cross
and bye-bye baby.

Hey, that's pretty good.

- Where did you learn that?
- Oh, geez.

I once seen a very good
colored fighter

destroy another guy
with that combo.

Who's the other guy?

Uh, me.

Get out of here, huh?

It was a good day, see?

- Yes!
- Right on the ropes there.

What do you say
we take a cab home?

No, no, the subway.
The cabs giving me the willies.

- Okay. Let's get out of here.
- Okay.