01x12 - Barney and the Hooker

[bunniefuu]

- Excuse me.
- Excuse me.

Good evening, sergeant.

I wanna bail out
one of your prisoners.

Anyone in particular
or shall we select

one at random?

Oh, no. It's a lady
named Dotty Wertz.

- Dotty Wertz.
- Uh-hmm.

Let's see how this lady

has offended society.

Oh, I see. Prostitution.

Picked up for soliciting

a plainclothes police officer

at the King Crown Tavern

on Northern Boulevard.
You her lawyer?

- I'm a friend.
- How much is the bail?

$500. Pay over there.

He wants one of the hookers.

The white one.

Archie Bunker's Place,
we cater to straights.

Oh, hi, Murray.

Hey, hey, hey.

I thought
you was gonna bring her

a cake or something,

not bail her out.

Now, listen, Archie.

If we hadn't kicked her
out of our place,

she wouldn't have been
working strange saloons.

And she wouldn't have
gotten arrested.

Now, we've got to do
something for her,

otherwise,
we're gonna feel guilty

for the rest of our lives.

Hey, maybe you'll feel guilty,

but I am a Gentile.

We are happy people.

Listen, Arch.

I'm not only bailing her out,

I'm gonna offer her
a real job with us.

Are you nuts?

We need another waiter,
don't we?

Archie:
Are you nuts?

Listen, Arch.

We are doing the right thing.

For God's sake, can't you give
a person a chance?

- All right, all right.
- Now, Murray,

- hold it, will you?
- Don't jump into anything.

Give me a minute to think,
will you?

Here, let me ask Harry.

Ask me what?

About the idea of Dotty,
the hooker,

waiting tables here.

That's a terrible idea.

Okay.

Harry says it's a terrible idea,

so, uh...

let's try it.

But Murray,

remember this,

you tell Dotty...

that she serves nothing
to our customers

except the lunch and dinner.

No, what you call snacks
between meals.

Goodbye.

Aah!

What is it?

I just wanna ask you...

What? What?

Give me a chance, huh?

Well, spit it out. Huh?

I'm just wondering
how you feel about, uh,

working with a hooker.

Why? Are we diversifying
our operation?

I mean, somebody to help

your nephew, Freddy,
wait on the tables.

A hooker moonlighting

as a waitress.

That's a switch.

This is the first time
I've ever been

in a clink, honest.

Dotty, I believe you.

Just before you came here,
one of the...

girls died in there.

What?

What happened?

They don't know.
They just took her away.

She was sleeping,
and then she opened her eyes

and she looked right at me,

and then she tried
to say something and she...

- I didn't get it.
- And then, she...

closed her eyes again,

and then she was gone.

Woman:
Dorothy Wertz?

Sign here.

Here, let me help you.

Listen, Dotty.

Let's talk about you.

Now, what did you do...

What did you do
before you did what you did

that got you in here
for doing it?

Well, starting a long time ago,

I was an artist's model.

Did you ever work anywhere
with your clothes on?

- Oh, Murray.
- I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

I mean, have you worked
in a restaurant?

- You mean, was I a waitress?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I've done that.

Well, that's terrific.

Why don't you
do the same thing
for Archie and me?

Oh, Murray, you know
that won't work.

Woman:
Marvin Chang.

Well, Dotty, I...

You know, I know
there are gonna be problems,

but I think we can work
those problems out

on the job.

But you have to remember,

the restaurant is the job,

and then nothing else.

I mean, nothing else.

Okay? You wanna try?

Hmm? You wanna go on
being a hooker?

Oh, no.

No.

Look, I mean,
I'm ready, but, you know,

- what about Archie?
- Oh, listen,

don't worry about him.

You see, I trust you.

How can you trust a hooker?

Arch, she needs help.

But some of our
customers know her.

Ain't they gonna be
a little shocked?

Yeah.

Why should a man be shocked

because the woman
he went to bed with

serves him his lunch?

Come on, Mr. Van,

you know what I mean.

Can't you hear the low remarks

being passed here?

And you know damn well
some of these johns

are gonna be dating her.

We'll be right back
to where we started

when we eighty-sixed her.

Arch, wait and see what happens.

I think Dotty will be fine.

Boy, it's cold out there.

You know you got ice
forming on your sidewalk?

Well, I think it was "Kelly"

or maybe it was "Sheats"
that wrote:

"If winter comes,

then spring's
got no behind."

Yeah. Anybody
wanna buy a house?

- Harry: Are you selling yours?
- -Yeah.

The divorce came through.

I got the notice today.

Oh, I'm sorry, Barney.

Oh, I'm not.
I'm glad it's final.

Now, I know where I'm going.

Where are you going?

Who knows?

How's the settlement?

Ha. "Settlement."

Blanche cleaned me out.

You know, she took all the cash.

All?

In one fell swoop,

$212.

Boy, today's woman
ain't got no mercy.

Yeah.

And not only that,

I got to fork over
50% of the proceeds

from the house.

Don't give it to her.

Don't sell your house, Barney.

Stay in that house.

All alone?

Damn right.

Until you die.

Veronica:
Well, that's it for me
tonight, fellas.

- So long.
- Goodnight, Veronica.

Arriverdreci, there.

You need an escort, Veronica?

Ah, no thanks, Barney.

I got Jose.

Nobody bothers a lady
with a Spanish guy.

- You see?
- Everybody's got somebody.

Except me.

Oh, hey, hey, Barney.

Now, don't start crying here

because I can't take it.

I can't help it.

Hey Barney, bud,

new house rule here,

nobody's allowed to cry
if he's running a tab

more than $25.

How much is mine?

$50.

I'll pay off half.

Pick up,

New York strip

and a chef's salad.

Pick up,

meatloaf and a ham steak.

Pick up.

- Those are mine.
- Oh.

Sorry, Father.

Sorry... it's so late.

I'm a little bit nervous.

This is my first day
on a new job.

- That's okay.
- Just treat it

like your old job.

This job, she's on her
feet more, Father.

Oh.

Your order, sir?

Well, I can't make up my mind.

Between what?

Between the baked halibut

and the blueberry pie.

They're both very good.

Okay. Bring me
an order of each.

And a bottle of tomato ketchup.

Hey, hey, hey.

You must be new here.

Yes, it's my first day
on the job.

Did anybody ever tell you
that you're very beautiful?

Oh, thank you.

Um, anything to drink?

Yeah.

- Five cups of coffee.
- Five?

I wanna be wide awake
for our date tonight.

Well, excuse me,
I'll fill your order.

One baked halibut,
one blueberry pie.

Oh.

Ah, Barney Heffner's here.

Yeah. What is he?

Some kind of a wise guy?

Nah.

Just a sad guy.

Why?

He asked me for a date.

Is he married?

Nah, I heard his wife
ran away with someone.

Oh, when?

1976.

Aw.

'77,

'78,

'79.

One more, she'll make

the Guinness Book of Records.

Stuff a sock in it, Jose.

Hey, I missed you.

Are we all set
for our date tonight?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't socialize
with the customers.

That's the boss's orders.

Oh, don't worry about Archie.

What he doesn't know
won't hurt him.

And he doesn't know anything.

I'm sorry. It's...

I just better not.

Oh, I get it.

You're not really worried
about the bosses.

I just don't appeal
to you that much, right?

No, that's not it.

So, I'm not the handsomest guy
in New York

or even Queens.

But take a look
around this joint.

Now right here,

I gotta be in the top 20, right?

You like to sh**t pool?

No.

How about bowling?

No.

- What about pinochle?
- Oh, no.

Well, what else is there?

- I don't know.
- Movies, I guess.

Hey, I love movies.

Well,

I'm sorry.

It's just not a good idea.

- Oh, come on now.
- Wait a minute.

This is a free country,
isn't it?

I mean, when you get off here,

you can go out
with anybody you want.

I did read in the paper
over at the Northern

they're showing
"Romeo and Juliet."

Double features put me to sleep.

- You're cute.
- I know.

With my kind of face,
you're forced to be cute.

Oh, you have a nice face.

That's easy for you to say.

You don't have to shave it.

I tell you what,

I'll pick you up
right here after work.

Oh, no. Uh, not here. Um,

I'll meet you
in front of the theater,

- 9:00 sharp, huh?
- Terrific.

Oh, and by the way,

the name is Barney Heffner.

Oh, Dotty Wertz.

Dotty Wertz.

What a beautiful name.

Excuse me,
uh, Ms. Wertz.

- Table nine.
- Oh, sure. Sorry.

Well, Barney,
I see that you're
taken care of, huh?

You bet,

by your new waitress.

Hey, she's very good.

Well, I'm glad you think so.

Hey, Murray,
there's just one thing

I'd like to ask you about her.

Yeah? What?

Well, what's a classy
gal like that

doing waiting on tables in here?

Where's the money? I'm late.

- Here's the money, wait.
- Your four dollars

for the field trip.

What is this about a field trip?

The only field left in New York

was Ebbets Field
and they tore that down.

We're going
to the Hayden Planetarium.

Oh, you're gonna feed
the fish, huh?

That's nice.

Hey, did you tell
your teacher, Mrs. Hearst,

that I said to her?

- Yeah.
- What did she say to that?

To you.

You see the class
of teachers they got nowadays?

Hey, Archie,

look at these numbers.

You know, last night
was the best night

we had since we opened?

Yeah, well,
it's only gonna get better.

Right because
of Veronica's cooking,
right?

Shh, shh, for God's sake.

Don't let her
hear you talk that way.

She'd be looking for more money.

Did I hear you boys
mention my name?

All:
No!

No, but yesterday,
a man was complaining

about the veal here.

That was the last time
I mentioned your name.

Your face should look
as good as my veal.

Hey, listen,
I'm working on a menu here.

I hope you ain't gonna serve
no more halibut steak again.

No more halibut steaks.

Archie:
Good.

Halibut croquettes.

Oh.

I am up to my elbows
in halibuts.

- How come?
- She ordered too much.

No, because your friend,

Barney Heffner,
the halibut hound,

he ain't been around
for a while.

So, it's either
halibut croquettes

or we cater the cat show.

You know, she's right.

I haven't seen Barney
around here

one night this week.

Well, maybe sick, huh?

Ah, the way Barney drinks,

there ain't a germ in the world

that can live
inside of his body.

I also asked Dotty
if she wanted to work
the bar at nights.

You know, just to pick up
a couple of extra bucks.

- Hold it. Hold it.
- I'm against that.

I'm against that.

There's too many men
around here at night.

She's against it, too.

She told me she wants
to be free nights.

Yeah. I'll see you guys
in a jiffy.

Where are you going?

I wanna run this menu
over to the printer's.

Hmm,

I wonder what's with Barney.

I wonder what's with Dotty.

What are you thinking?

What are you thinking?

Barney:
Get the door,
will you, hon?

Oh, okay.

Can I come in?

It's not what you think, Murray.

I think you're fired.

Murray, I like this guy.

Well, good.

It must be very pleasant
to turn a trick

with someone you like.

Not a trick.

You know,

Archie was right for a change.

I told him that you had promised

to go straight.

He said, "Oh, sure, sure.

She'll go straight
back to hustling."

Isn't that right?

The only reason I'm here

is because I want to be.

Does Barney know what you are?

Barney:
Who was at the door, honey?

- Hiya, Murray.
- Hi.

To what do we owe
the pleasure of your company

this early in the morning?

Well...

everyone was worried about you.

Huh.

We all know
that you've been down

in the dumps lately and...

you haven't been out at the bar.

We thought
you weren't feeling well.

Are you kidding?

I never felt better in my life.

Lighten up, pal.

Life can be beautiful.

Because Dotty is beautiful.

Because you're beautiful.

I must be

because I never felt
like this before.

You know, even Murray
could be beautiful.

If he'd just wipe
that look off his kisser

like a guy
that had just been robbed.

That's it.

Did you tell him?

No, I haven't had a chance
to tell him anything.

Well, I'll tell him.

I'm gonna steal
your waitress, pal.

Dotty and I are getting married.

Hey, I think we shocked Murray.

You know why he's shocked?

Why?

Because none
of my so-called friends

ever figured that Barney Heffner

could attract
a really nice girl.

A girl that would love me
for myself,

with all my faults,

no matter what I am.

- Murray:
I'm not gonna leave you...
- Archie: Hell no, all right?

- Murray: What's the matter with you?
- -No.

We've got to do it.
That's all there is to it.

I ain't gonna say nothing.

And I don't see why
you should wanna tell him

anything anyway.

You were supposed to be
the bleeding heart

for the whole world,

the guy with all
the toleration for everybody.

Now, you're thinking
a hooker ain't good enough
for Barney.

I didn't say that.

Oh, Murray,
you're prejudiced...
you're prejudiced.

- That's all.
- What?

- That's right.
- Let me tell you something.

Dotty has got a heart of gold.

- Got it in there?
- Yeah.

Ah-ha. See?

Now, if you ask me,

Barney is lucky to get her.

Look, Archie,
you have got to tell him.

No one is closer to him
than you are.

Oh, h*, h*, Dotty is.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Dotty is the one
who ought to tell him.

Harry:
Hey, hey, hey.

Keep it down.
They're out there.

Keep it down, will you?

They're out there.

Will you shut up?

Shh, shh.

Let Dotty tell him.

She'll find some,
what do you call,

female way to let him know.

What do you... like how?

God, I don't know.

Maybe she'll send him a bill

for the wedding night.

Barney:
Hey, fellas?

- Hey, Arch.
- Hey.

- Did you hear the good news?
- Oh, yeah. Heard all about it.

Barney, my old buddy,
congratulations.

- Hey, thanks.
- Congratulations.

- What?
- Tell him.

No.

Well, just one word
to the wise, Barney,

grab your happiness
while you can,

but always be braced
for heartbreak.

Hmm, that's swell advice, Arch.

- Uh, yeah.
- Yeah.

Oh, by the way.

We'd like to have
the wedding reception here

in the restaurant where we met.

- Is that possible?
- Oh, you hear this?

You got it, kid.

We'll supply
the finest in wines,

in liquors,
and a beautiful buffet,

cash in advance.

- Tell him.
- It's too late.

Why is it too late?

For one thing,
he said cash in advance.

I can't give you
cash in advance.

Tell him.

Ain't you got no heart?

Barney, um...

maybe you ought to consider
just an old class elopement

to Nutley, New Jersey.

Pancakes in Howard Johnson.

Dottie:
That's for me,

quick, sweet, and simple,

so I can get
right back on the job.

- Ah.
- If I have a job.

Hey, hey...

Don't handle things

that you don't understand.

- Certainly, you got a job.
- Dotty: Aw.

I mean, if it's okay
with Barney.

Oh, sure it's okay with me.

Listen, I'm a liberated fella.

I don't mind if my wife works,

as long as she gets
the dinner on the table.

- Hey, well said, Barney.
- Well said there.

Well, then,
that's all right
with us, right?

- Yeah, right.
- Yeah, yeah.

You boys are okay.

Ah, ain't she a sweetheart?

Calling us boys
and the two of us

between us are over
a hundred years old.

Well now,

have you got
anything further to say?

No, I've got nothing
further to say.

Because now
is the time to say it

or forever after
hold your what-do-you-call.

- Peace.
- Yeah, whatever.

- Well, I have nothing to say.
- Good.

Hey, Murray.

- Yes?
- Do me a favor, okay?

Stop worrying about me, huh?

Look, I have been
around the block

a couple of times...

Yeah, but Barney,
I'm telling you...

Hold it, hold it.

I know all about...

I know what I'm doing.

Would you...

You dropped
the silverware all over,

now I have to pick them up.

Dropped it all over.

Hey, I need help.

If this is a craps game,

break it up.

Help there, will you, Barney?

I'd like to, Arch,
but I'm late for work.

Freddie.

Help us pick
this stuff up, will you?

Well, you the big liberal,

let me tell you something.

I gave you a lesson
in liberal here today.

- Oh, I hadn't noticed.
- What's the lesson?

Oh, my friend,

a real liberal is a man who,

on any occasion,

when it demands,

has always got the guts

to keep his mouth shut.