01x14 - The Shabbat Dinner

[bunniefuu]

Telephone's ringing.

Hello, Murray, where are you?

No, Mrs. Klein,
I ain't Murray.

I'm sorry, I'm Edith Bunker.

I mean, I ain't sorry
I'm Edith Bunker,

I'm sorry I ain't Murray.

It's Murray's partner's wife

with a long story.

I'm sorry, I thought
you were my long-lost son

who I haven't seen
since breakfast.

Oh.

I made the matzah ball soup,

just the way you told me

and it's delicious.

If you don't
have trouble with gas,

it's delicious.

Hmm, it's so delicious

I was hoping that
you and your sister

would change your mind

and come over
for dinner tonight.

She wants us to eat
her matzah ba*ls.

I heard that.

It's gonna be a nice party,

just me, and Archie,

and Murray, and his friend,

and Stephanie.

Murray and what friend?

The friend he's bringing.

A man friend

or a lady friend?

A lady friend.

We'll be there in 15 minutes.

Goodbye.

Oh, good.

Goodbye.

Oh, Stephanie,

would you help me

put two more places
at the table?

Murray's mother and his aunt

are coming, too.

Sure is nice of you
to do all this
just for me.

Oh, I love doing it for you.

And it's fun cooking
for the Jewish Sabbath.

- Shebat.
- Huh?

Shebat, that's Hebrew
for Sabbath.

Sheba.

Shebat with a T at the end.

Oh, Shebat.

- Stephanie: Yeah.
- Oh, my,

ain't it wonderful?

You learn something new
every day...

if you keep your ears open.

Hey, get a load of this here.

Here's a woman who on her death

was found to have no brain.

And just before she died,

they elected her to congress
from Nebraska.

I told Rabbi Jacobs

about our first shebat dinner.

He said you're a wonderful lady.

Did you tell him

that you was gonna ask
your Uncle Archie

to say the blessings?

Uh-huh.

What did he say?

"Oy vey."

What does that mean?

I think it means,
"Have we got trouble."

Oy vey and shebat,

that's two things
I learned today.

Two things in a one day, Edith,

geez, that's kind of
a record for you, ain't it?

Don't the table look pretty?

Well, I think
it's too much fuss, you know.

I mean, you had to get
all of the fancy dishes

and the glasses,
all for you, kiddo.

I wrote out a Jewish prayer

for you to say at dinner,
Uncle Archie.

Oh, hold... hold it, hold it...

A Jewish prayer for me to say?

I ain't gonna do that.

Well, come on, what do you...

If the Lord up there
was to hear Archie Bunker

saying a Jewish prayer,

he'd think I was pulling
some kind of a fast one.

- Please, Uncle Archie.
- Ow!

Would you kindly explain to her

why she mustn't do that?

All you got to say
is two little blessings.

No, no, no.
I don't wanna do that.

I ain't gonna...

Oh, look at this.

Youse all learn this crapola

very young, don't you?

Archie:
All right, all right,
all right.

All right, all right,

- all right, all right.
- I'll say it,

but I draw the line
at wearing one of them beanies.

- Thank you, thank you.
- Don't, don't, don't.

Stop that, stop that.

All right.
I'm gonna say the prayer.

Here's the book.

Well, what the hell did they do?

Set it to music?

Stephanie:
That's Hebrew.

Oh.

Oh, well.

Well, I can't sing it
in that neither.

Oh, I'll get it.

Stephanie:
I'll get it.

- I'll get it, I'll get it.
- Hey, wait a minute.

Hold it, hold it, hold it, stop!

Don't open that,
don't open that.

Gee, the way the two of youse

race over to that door,

every time the bell rings
in this house,

youse two make it
look like a jailbreak.

Oh, hurry up, they're waiting.

Open the door.

- Edith! Hello.
- Hi, Murray.

Edith, I want you to meet
Ruth Kendall,

Edith Bunker.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

And this is Stephanie.

- Hi.
- Hello, Stephanie.

Maybe I should say, shalom,

that's hello in your language.

Oh, I'm not Jewish.

Neither am I.

I am. Shalom.

Oh, shalom, Stephanie.

And that is my partner,

Archie Bunker.

Hello.

Hi, hi, hi,

uh, that's hello in Gentile.

- Hi.
- Nice to meet you,
Mr. Bunker.

Oh, well, hey,
likewise, I'm sure.

And for the hostess,

sweets to the sweet.

Oh, Murray,

thank you.

You shouldn't have.

What do you mean?
Sure he should've.

While he was at it,
he should have brung something

for the host, too, huh?

Huh?

I think I did.

- Well, sit down, everybody.
- Yeah. Sit down, sit down.

No, not there,
get out of there,
get out of there.

That's for the young lady here.

Oh, thank you.

No, not there, Murray.

Come on,
there's other chairs, huh?

Okay, Archie.

So, uh, how long
have youse two been, uh,

what do you call, uh, together?

Archie.

We've been dating for...

Both:
Three months...

and four days.

Oh, well past the awkward stage.

That's nice.

Well, I couldn't say, Edith.

I don't know what
they've been doing.

Mind your own business.

Now I know.

Archie,

"ere's the... an ild chi...
ere he."

Huh?

Oh, uh, oh, yeah.

Uh, Edith is trying to say
that, uh...

there's a child here,
so watch your conversation,

huh, Murray?

Do I have time to freshen up
before dinner, please?

She wants to go
to the toilet, Edith.

The powder room.

Oh, well, take your pick,

but it's, uh, right at the head
of the stairs there.

- Thank you.
- Yeah. You can't miss it,

it's the door
with the no knob on it.

Stephanie:
I'll hold it
closed for you.

Ruth:
Thank you, Stephanie.

Well, not there, Murray,

there's other chairs.

Well, well, well,

you sly dog.

How come you never brung
that swell-looking number

around to the saloon?

Oh, Murray,

- she's a lovely girl.
- Yes.

I'll bet your mother
is very pleased.

My mother thinks
it's a sin for me

to date girls who aren't Jewish.

Well, it is,
but lie to your mother.

I always do.

She doesn't know
that I'm going with Ruthie.

Oy vey.

What did you say?

Oy vey.

It means,
"have we got trouble."

Well, I know what it means,

but why did you say it?

Guess who's coming to dinner.

Oy vey.

Oh, Murray,

I'm sorry.

Oh,

I get it.

Oh, geez.

Did you ever hear
of the word schlemiel?

Well, that's Heb for dingbat.

That's the third thing
I've learned today.

Edith, I hate to do this to you,

but I think it's best
for everybody

for Ruthie and me
to leave right now.

- Oh, no.
- Murray: Ruthie.

Edith:
Please, Murray, don't go.

Oh, geez, now ain't this a hoot.

A grown up man
is scared of his mother.

You don't know my mother.

Ruthie, please, hurry up.

Well,
my mother never told me
who to go out with.

No, your father did.

Murray:
Ruthie, please, hurry up.

Uh-oh.

Well, I don't see nobody
racing for the door now.

Well, go on, Edith,

face up
to the terrible thing
you've done.

- Oh, hi, come right in.
- Hello.

I'm Edith Bunker.

I'm Rose Klein.

This is Tante Gussie.

Tante Gussie:
How do?

I mean, shalom.

She's saying hello.

I heard that.

Mama.

Hello, Mama.

- What am I, chopped liver?
- No.

How are you, Mama?

A lot you care.

Where's the girl?

She's up in the toilet.

We heard that.

Oh, uh, Tante Gussie, Mama,

come meet my friend here,

my partner, Archie Bunker,

- Mama.
- Hey, hi, hi.

So, you're Archie Bunker?

Yeah, that's who I am.

- Murray told me all about you.
- -Oh, yeah?

Well, he told me
a lot about you, too.

Murray's got a big mouth.

Well, everybody, sit down.

Archie:
Yeah, yeah.
Everybody sit down,

sure, yeah, go ahead.

Sit down, uh, except, uh,

I usually sit there.

Well, you can sit there.

Ma, you look so nice,

I've never seen
that dress before.

You would have seen it before

if you'd had come to pick me up.

Well, until two minutes ago,

I didn't know you were coming.

The day you were born,

I didn't know you were coming,

but I was there.

See what I mean?

I'm a little scared
of her myself.

She's finished.

Edith:
Oh, uh, Stephie,
this is Murray's mother,

- Mrs. Klein.
- Hello, darling.

- Tante Gussie:
Oh, how adorable.
- Hi, Mrs. Klein.

Edith:
And this is his
Aunt Gussie.

Hi, Aunt Gussie.

Edith:
Stephie is our
little niece.

Hello.

And whose little niece is this?

Well, Ruth,
this is my mother,
my Tante Gussie.

Ruth:
Oh, how do you do?

This is my friend, Ruth Kendall.

Oh, how do you do?

Murray, she's such
an adorable girl,

Miss Mendel.

What a beautiful head of hair,

nice shape,

Spiffy dresser, huh?

Tell me, tell me,

where did you two meet,
Miss Mendel?

It's not Mendel, it's Kendall.

Kendall?

Her name is not...

Not what, Ma?

Rose:
Not...

No, Ma, it's not a Jewish name.

I heard that.

Yeah, that's right, Mom,

she's one of ours.

Oy vey.

Mama, you all right, Mama?

- I'm all right.
- Mama.

I'm all right,

I'm better than all right.

- I'm fine and dandy.
- Good.

I'm so sorry,
Mrs. Klein.

What's to be sorry?

You're such an adorable girl.

Thank you.

My mother thought Murray
was adorable, too.

Oh, oh, oh,

so she already brung you over

to meet her mother, huh?

That's right.

Well, I guess,

we know what that means,
huh, Mom?

- Oy vey.
- Oh, Mrs. Klein.

I'm all right.

So, they went out on a date.

Big deal.

Well, it could be
a big deal there, Tonto.

I mean, after all, these two,

they've been doing
their number now

for three months and four days,

which is a lot of nights.

Archie.

Well, so, it's nice

he got a steady girlfriend.

Sure, hey, I'm all for that.

Romance, you know, marriage.

Hey, they could have a family.

You still up for that,
ain't you?

Why don't you behave?

I'm only interested

in the family, the kids.

How would you raise
the kids there Ruthie,

Jewish or our way?

- Oy vey.
- Oh, Mrs. Klein.

I'm all right.

Why does she keep hitting me?

It's better than
throwing water on you.

Maybe I better get dinner on.

Can I help you,
Mrs. Bunker?

Oh, are you sure
you feel like it?

I'd love to.

Yeah, let her help.

She don't wanna
sit with us no more.

What's with the face on you?

There ain't much to do.

Would you like to sit down?

I'd like to drop dead.

- Oy vey.
- How could he do this

to his own mother?

Well, let me get you
glass of water.

I don't need water,

I could use
a little Schnapps, please.

Sure.

What is that?

Booze, whiskey.

Oh, sure, we got that.

Archie calls it
his Saturday night special.

Thank God
Murray's father's not here.

If he were alive,
he'd drop dead.

It's good he's dead already.

Children, children,

sometimes I think God
put them on earth

just to aggravate their mothers.

Children are sweet,

I love children.

Sure, you don't have any.

Oh, sure.

I got Stephie

and I got a real daughter

in California.

No sons?

No.

No wonder you love children.

I think my Murray
takes those shiksas out

just to upset me.

Mrs. Klein,

I don't think it's important

what a person's religion is.

It don't matter
what church they go to.

Just like, it don't matter

what color their skin is,

or how they vote,

or anything.

Remember that story
in the Bible?

She was a Ruth, too.

She said, I go where you goeth,

and your people

will be my people.

And that Ruth
was a Gentile, too.

You're a good person,
Mrs. Bunker.

What a shame you're not Jewish.

We could use someone like you.

Mrs. Klein,

I think Murray and Ruth

are very happy together.

Why should you let
their happiness

make you so unhappy?

Because it's wrong.

What if they do have children?

What will the children be?

Nothing.

Lots of people
marry outside their faith

and they have children.

My nephew, Floyd,

he married a Jewish girl.

Did it work out?

- No.
- Hmm.

But it might have
if she hadn't been k*lled

in a car accident.

And something good

come out of their marriage.

They had Stephie,
she's their daughter.

- Stephie's Jewish?
- Yeah.

And we all live together here,

we have a fine time.

Stephie's Jewish,

I'm Episcopal,

and Archie is...

something else.

And we all love each other.

Mrs. Bunker,

this is your home.

That's nice.

Let me bring something.

Yeah, bring yourself.

Okay, everybody, dinner.

Edith:
You sit right there,
Mrs. Klein.

Anywhere in particular for me?

Ruth, why don't you sit by me?

Thank you, Mrs. Klein.

Murray:
Yeah, sit here, Mama.

Tante Gussie:
Doesn't the table
look lovely?

Well, come on, let's put on

the kosher feedbag here.

Not yet.

What are you doing
with that on your head?

Come on, Murray,
this is a dinner,

it ain't a funeral.

This one's for you.

Oh, come on. No.

Mm.

What do you mean, "uhh"?

- You know what we look like?
- A couple of fat ch*nk.

And this is for you Aunt Edith.

Edith:
Oh, yeah.

Is there any way
to hurry this up, Edith?

Edith:
There.

- Three times.
- Oh, yeah.

One...

two...

three.

Blessed is the eternal power

that inspires our people

to kindle the Sabbath lights.

Oh, amen.

No, wait a minute, there's more.

May we be blessed

with a life of joy

and peace.

Stephanie:
Amen.

All:
Amen.

All right, now,
can we begin, huh?

Stephanie:
Not until you bless the wine.

Oh, yeah, I said
I was gonna do this.

Let's see this.

- Uh, blessed are you...
- Stephanie: Stand up!

Don't holler at me, huh.

Blessed are you, our God,

ruler of the universe,

creator of the fruit
of the vine.

Stephanie:
Amen.

All:
Amen.

Stephanie:
Drink, everybody.

Tante Gussie:
Oh, this wine is delicious.

- Murray: Isn't that good?
- Terrific, can we begin now?

Not until you bless the bread.

Oh, we're not...

Oh, yeah,
this is the Jewish one.

Come on,
can't you read this, huh?

You're the Jew here.

I don't need that.

Stephanie:
Amen.

All:
Amen.

Gee, what a show-off.

Now, pass the bread,

pass the bread.

Here Mama, here Archie,

don't eat all of it,
pass them along.

This is for you.

- Thank you.
- Here you are.

Thanks, Mama.

Don't mention it.

If you're checking this out,
Lord, uh,

hold the lightning, huh?

I'm only doing it for the kid.