01x15 - Barney's Lawsuit

[bunniefuu]

You got a big mouth.

What did I say?

I told you

not to say nothing to Barney

about Dotty taking that trip.

Geez, he's touchy on that.

All I said was,
"If I was engaged to him,

I'd go to Cincinnati, too."

- Okay, Hank.
- Come on, get off my stool.

Sit on that one.

I wanna sit on that one.

Why?

Because that's the one
I was sitting on

when Mother Nature called.

Oh, come on, Hank,
here's your beer.

Hey, you spill a drop of that,

you'll pay for it, wise guy.

Archie:
Hey, hey, hey, hey,

what is it with youse guys?

Hank stole my bar stool.

Why did you vacate
your bar stool?

Did you want me to put
Mother Nature on hold?

Murray: Barney,
just sit anywhere,
will you?

After a couple of drinks,

your keister won't
know the difference

between any of these bar stools.

As it happens, I've been
sitting on that very stool

for the past 10 years,
in case you never noticed.

I never noticed.

I never noticed.

I never noticed.

Ten years on the same bar stool,

what devotion.

Why?

It's my lucky stool.

- Oh, come on.
- Archie: Oh.

Never mind, aw,

it brings me luck.

As it happens,

I was sitting on that very stool

when the Mets won
the Series in 1969.

Oh, yeah, they ain't won since.

Yeah.

Maybe it is lucky.

He was also sitting there
when he got the news

that Blanche left him.

That's right.

Hey,
that was the luckiest
day of my life,

because if she hadn't left,

I never would've met Dotty.

Yeah.
Were you sitting here

when Dotty went to Cincinnati?

You're on thin ice, pal.

This is the most
ridiculous argument

I ever heard of
in my whole life,

and I don't wanna hear
no more about it.

The man says
it's his lucky stool,

it's his lucky stool.

- Give him it, huh?
- He's a dope.

Oh, go ahead.

Well, I don't care
what anybody says.
It is lucky.

Archie:
You're a dope, Barney.

And today, a guy needs
all the luck he can get.

Archie:
You're a dope, Barney.

What the hell happened?

Barney's lucky stool gave way.

Oh, I miss everything.

Oh.

- Murray: You all right?
- Oh, yeah.

What was that groaning?

Barney's lucky stool gave way,

you should've seen it.

Sounded like somebody
gave him his bar tab.

Geez, ain't this terrible?

- No, it's okay.
- It wasn't me.

- Hey, come on.
- Come on.

You broke down my stool.

- Hey, you need some help?
- Oh, no.

Veronica: Stay away,
stay away, stay away.

Why? Get him up.

What... don't make
no sudden moves.

- What are you talking about?
- A sudden move can often help a person.

Dr. Shapiro is just around
the corner. I'm...

- I'll go get him.
- Hold it there.

The man fell off of a stool,

not off of a roof.

- Archie is right.
- Will you just help me up

and get me up on the chair?

- Careful.
- And now, listen, Barney,

just to play it safe, now,
go see a doctor,

our insurance
will cover the tab.

- Ah.
- Hold it.

Why?

Insurance?

Oh, then you got to see
a specialist.

Hold it.

And while you're there,

you'll get a complete physical,

check out everything,
your heart, your lungs.

The first thing to check
is your lower spine, pal.

- Yeah.
- Oh, well, geez.

As long as the doctor's poking

around in that neighborhood,

he might as well look
at his "hemroods."

You pay you a doctor enough,
he'll look anywhere.

Look, Barn, I insist,
for legal reasons,

go see a doctor.

Our insurance will cover
the bill.

Hold it.

Look, I'm fine, fellas.

All I am is a little sore here,
that's all.

Sore? Ha-ha,
the tip of the iceberg.

Wait, will you shut up?

All I am saying is,

that if Barney here
can get some fringe benefits,

why the hell not?

You know, I once slipped
in a supermarket,

and although my personal body
was undamaged,

I collected big

for pain and suffering,

heartache, trauma,

and torn pantyhose.

- All right.
- Now, the doctor thing is settled.

You promise, huh?

Right, right,
there's nothing more

- to consider. I'm fine.
- All right.

Now, can you get home
by yourself, huh?

Yeah. Certainly, I can.

Barney, bend over.

Will you shut up?

Don't tell me to shut up.

Limp, Barney.

Limp. Limp.

Limp.

Hey, you want me
to throw this out?

Oh, you better save that
for the insurance adjuster,

he might wanna take
a look at it.

Well, I think we ought
to make Barney pay

for that antique bar stool.

- What antique?
- That's a piece of junk.

It's the same thing.

Hey, fellas. Hey.

Archie:
Oh, look at this. Geez.

Hey, you look good, Barney.

You got me fooled,
and I'm a professional.

- Barney: Who's fooling?
- This is for real.

The little cane is a nice touch.

- Come on, Barney.
- Quit clowning around, huh?

Who's clowning?

I woke up like this
this morning.

Boy, getting dressed was m*rder.

And when I shaved,
I had to put the mirror

on the floor.

Geez, what a lie.

It's not a lie.
You believe me,
don't you, Murray?

Yes, I do.

Don't be asking Murray.

He don't know you that well.

I know you for 30 years,

and I know every crooked
bone in your body.

- Yeah?
- Well, it's a good thing you know them

because you're
gonna have to pay
for a couple of them.

- Good morning.
- Archie: Oh, good morning.

So what can we serve you, huh?

Barney:
Oh, hi there, Mr. Wolf.
Come on in.

He's my lawyer,
Mr. Wolf.

Archie:
Oh, h*, h*, h*,
your lawyer.

Well, Barney,
you're really playing this

to the hilt, huh?

You bet. Mr. Wolf,
these are the codefendants,

Mr. Bunker, Mr. Klein.

- How are you doing, Mr. Wolf?
- Oh, yeah. How do you do there?

- Very well.
- Mr. Wolf, uh,

what do you want?

Well, this won't take long,
gentlemen.

As the proctologist said

to the Texas division.

I just wanted to have a look
at the scene of the, uh,

- accident.
- You're standing in it.

- Oh, yeah, Mr. Hefner.
- Yeah?

I just came
from Dr. Mason's office.

Uh-huh?

He showed me your X-rays.

Uh-huh?

What's the matter with me?

Well, it seems that two
of your disks have,

uh, shifted around.

Yeah, well,
I'm in plenty of pain.

That's because
one of those disks

is impinging on a nerve.

You heard Mr. Wolf, Arch.

Yeah, yeah, I heard.
Uh, but, Mr. Wolf,

you know what I think?

I think that
if we shove Barney off

another stool
going the other way,

that will straighten him
right up.

This is hardly a laughing
matter, Mr. Bunker.

In cases like this,
they've had long-range effects.

You should see those X-rays.

Um, I don't like to look
at X-rays,

they're always negative.

My client may not be
able to resume

his normal activities
for quite some time.

We'll have to rely
on your liability coverage

to compensate for any damages

he may sustain,

as well as any material losses

proceeding there from.

What the hell
does all that mean?

Means he's gonna shaft
the insurance companies.

You've been to law school,
Mr. Klein.

Harry:
Murray, there's a phone call
for you in the office.

- Murray: Oh, okay.
- Excuse me for a minute.

Yeah.

Well, uh, so, uh, there, uh,

Mr. Wolf,

um, wolf.

Now, how big a bite did you,

uh, figure on taking here?

Well, of course,
there are several factors

to be considered.

In cases similar to this,

I have known the compensation

to be as high as $50,000.

Oh, holy cow.

- Uh-hmm.
- Geez, Barney.

I guess that really
was your lucky stool, huh?

Fifty-thousand dollars.

Only in America.

Hey, Archie.
Come on, let me talk to you.

Yeah. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Yeah.

- Murray: Come on, excuse us.
- -Uh, what do you want?

- It's a private matter.
- Come on inside.

We're private here.
Talk.

- No, no, not private enough.
Come on inside.
-Okay.

This is your fault

for egging Barney on.

Now, they're gonna sue
our insurance company

for $50,000 and our rates
are gonna zoom to the moon.

Our ex-insurance company.

- Huh?
- Our ex-insurance company.

We are not covered.

What are you talking about?

Our premiums are paid.

No, when we built
the new extension,

we should have taken out
a new policy.

No, the accident happened
in the old part.

Arch, it's a technicality.

They got us.

Oh, my God.

Murray,
why didn't you have
brains enough

to take out that new policy?

Why didn't you have
the brains enough

to take out a new policy?

You're the Jewish guy.

Yeah, but I'm hanging around
with you.

You don't have to be
snotty about it.

You are the one that
egged Barney on to sue.

Murray:
No, no, I only told him
to go to the doctor,

that's all.

Wasn't it you that
showed him how to limp?

No, Veronica showed him
how to limp.

Well now, him and this Wolf

are gonna show the two of us

- how to limp.
- Hmm.

Hey, well,
I got to take care
with that right now.

- Who are you gonna call?
- -Oh, I'm gonna call my attorneys,

Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz,

and sons, and nephews.

Make an appointment with them
first thing in the morning.

Look, Barney won't sue us
now that he knows

we're not covered.

Oh, Murray, don't be "knave."

Geez.

- Oh, hello?
- Archie Bunker here.

I wanna talk
to the boss Rabinowitz, uh...

Oh, yeah, Mayer.

You got to fight fire
with Mayer.

Yes. Yes. Uh, I'll hold.

- Uh, now, listen.
- I know youse lawyers charge

by the minute,
so don't drop the flag

until you got Mayer on the wire.

I'll hold.

Why don't we go over to Barney

and talk to him intelligently?

How are you gonna talk
intelligently to a man

who falls off
of his lucky stool?

Arch, Barney
is your best friend.

Don't you have any faith
in your friends?

No.

And even if I did have,

it wouldn't do us no good.

Did you see the face
of that Wolf out there?

Let me tell you
something, Murray.

The only way to defend
ourselves against a wolf

is with a Rabinowitz.

I'm holding.

Barney:
Who is it?

Stephanie:
It's Stephanie.

Barney:
I'll be right there.

I'm coming.

Hi, Uncle Barney.

Hi, you, Steph.

How are you, honey?

Gee, what a pleasant surprise.

Nice of you to stop by.

Wow, look at you.

Oh, well,
it's not polite to stare

at unfortunate people.

It's fun, though.

You get more like
your Uncle Archie every day.

What do you got in the sack?

Aunt Edith sent it.
She said it will make you
feel better.

Oh, thanks.

Do I rub it on my back?

You can if you want to.

It's chicken soup.

Can I ask you a question?

Go ahead, sh**t.

How did you walk
before you fell off

that bar stool?

Oh, before I fell off the stool,

I could... oh, eh,

- oh, ow.
- Are you okay?

Oh, yeah.

Boy, it smarts when
you try to straighten up.

Wait a minute.

Were you trying
to trick me then?

It was Uncle Archie's idea.

Oh.

Your Uncle Archie
gives me a swift pain.

In the neck?

Yeah, there too.

I'm sorry
you're an unfortunate person.

I hope you feel better.

Oh, thanks, Steph.

Bye, Uncle Barney.

Bye-bye, bye-bye, sweetheart,

and give my love at home,

but only to Aunt Edith.

- Hi, Uncle Murray.
- Hi, sweetheart.

How are you?
What are you doing here?

I came on a mission of mercy,

but it's over.

Okay.

See you soon.

- Hi, Barn.
- Hiya, Murray.

- Come on in.
- All right.

Would you like
some chicken soup?

No, I feel fine.

Listen,
I wanna talk to you, Barney.

Huh? Sure. What about?

Well, right off the bat,
I want you to know

that Archie and me
are gonna be responsible

for any expenses

that you incur
because of this accident.

You bet.

And then we sock it

to your insurance
company, right?

Wrong.

Wrong?

Right.

Can we sit down?

- Oh, sure. Go ahead.
- And I'm locked into this.

- Listen, uh, Barney.
- Yeah.

I, uh, I want you
to know that, uh,

our old insurance policy

doesn't cover this accident.

Now, we're in a bind.

Oh?

Wah. What the hell.

There goes the month
in Acapulco.

- You're great, Bar...
- Oh, oh.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, listen.

Forget about
all of those expenses.

I mean,
my insurance company will
take care of everything.

Uh, good. And there won't
be any lawsuit, right?

- Of course not.
- What do you take me for?

You know something,
I told Archie

that he had you
pegged all wrong.

You mean that Archie
actually thought

that I was going to sue guys?

My friends?

Well, not in, uh, so many words.

- No. I mean, no. No, let me...
- I mean, he didn't exactly...

Wait a minute.

My pal Archie
of 30 years standing

really thought that
I was gonna take you guys

to the cleaners?

I'm afraid so.

Well, he's right.

- Now wait...
wait a minute, Barney.
-Oh, no. No, no.

No wait. No wait, pal.

If he thinks that that's
the kind of a guy I am?

Then maybe that's the kind
of a guy I ought to be.

- Wait a minute, Barney.
Let's talk about it.
-No, no,

it's beyond the wait.

You can tell him for me

that I'm gonna spit
right in his eye

when I straighten up.

And if I never straighten up,

I'll spit on his shoes.

Murray:
No, listen. Hey, Barney.
Let's talk.

Archie:
I don't wanna talk to nobody.

- Van: Hi, Arch.
- Hi, Mr. Van R.

Did you see the lawyer?

Yes, I seen the lawyer.

And do you have a case?

Rabinowitz says he'd
rather take Barney's case.

How come?

To put him in quotes,
he says, "The facts
favor Barney."

He says we are reliable
because Barney sat on

the faulty stool there.

Of course, if Barney
was three sheets

to the wind at the time,
well, maybe we'd have
something.

So what are we gonna do?

Well, we got to try
a little legal maneuvering.

Uh, make up a few lies.

For example?

Well, for example, suppose
Barney was half crocked.

He only had one beer.

You only served him one beer.

How do you know how many beers
he had before he come in here?

Didn't you see him stagger
through that door?

I don't remember that.

Try harder.

Uh, where was you?

In the kitchen.

Archie:
That don't help me none,
Veronica.

Well, Mr. Van R,

you was here, right?

I wouldn't be
a good witness, Arch.

I know, but in a pinch,

you could say that you smelled
his breath down there.

He's gonna spit on your shoes.

Did you hear that,
Mr. Van R?

What a falling off is here.

Well, I can guess all
the other terrible things

he said you.

Well, good,
I don't have to repeat it.

- Give me a drink.
- Yeah.

So your snake in the grass

bit your bird in your hand.

Well, I was right
about Barney all along.

You were wrong
about Barney all along.

I know Barney
was gonna sue all along.

Not at first.

What do you mean not at first?

Well,

I started to thank him,

and I let it out.

Let it out?

What the hell is "it"?

You thought he was
rotten enough to sue.

- You didn't tell him that?
- Murray: Yup.

You told him a thing
like that? Oh, God.

All my life,

I thought
youse people was smart.

This goes to show how dumb
youse people are.

Oh, geez.

Look what's coming in the door

with a cane,

doing his Fred Astaire.

What am I supposed to do now?

Well, for openers,
protect your shoes.

- Barney: Hi, Murray.
- Hello, Barn.

Oh, hi there, Barney.
Uh, have you come

to pick up your $50,000?

I don't believe we got that
amount in the drawer.

- First of all, Mr.
- Bunker, I have something to say to you.

Oh, Mr. Bunker
is it there?

Oh, well, Mr. Hefner,
first of all,

I got a little something
to explain to you.

- What?
- Get out.

Well, I have an answer
for that, too.

You put that in a letter

to our attorneys, Rabinowitz,

Rabinowitz, and Rabinowitz.

And son and son and nephews.

Yes, all seven of them.

Who, by the way, advised us

that you might be responsible
for this accident over here,

which, if that's true,

that is known in the law there
as, uh, what it that?

Uh, contributory negligence.

"Contribusorry negligees."

Arch, do you mind if I sit down?

Not on the stool Barney

because your behind is lethal.

- Come here, Barney, here.
- Come on, sit over here.

The thing that I can't get over,

and will never get over,

is how you could dream
of suing me,

suing a friend
of 30 years standing,

after all the things
I've done for you.

What things?

What things?

What things, he asks.

Oh, Lord.

How sharper
than a servant's tooth

is the ingratitude

of a louse.

What things? Murray, leave me
talk to him for a minute.

- Yes.
- What things?

Who stayed with you the night
that Blanche run off

with the exterminator?

Who...

Who stayed with you the night
that Blanche run off

with the awning man?

Who stayed with you the night
that Blanche run away

with the TV repairman?

You know, I think I spent
more nights with you

than Blanche.

And what about your
little dog Rusty there?

- Rusty.
- -Oh, Barn, don't cry, don't cry.

Just listen to me.

When Rusty was laying there
in the gutter,

with a little broken body there,

who picked him up
and drove him to the hospital

after he was runned over
by a car?

You run over him.

Is that really the point, Barn?

Ah, the hell with all this.

I'm waiving my legal rights.

You wave your legal rights at me

and I'll wave this here at you.

Listen, klutzo.

He's telling us
he's not gonna sue.

- Huh?
- That's what he's saying,

he's not gonna sue us.

I'm sorry
about all of this, Barney.

Really, I mean, if there's
any more expenses come up,

me and Archie
are gonna take care of it.

Well, the only thing
I'm not covered for

is my lawyer's bill

and that comes to, uh,

a hundred and eighty dollars.

Oh, Barney,
that's very reasonable.

I think that's very high.

- That's reasonable, Archie.
- It's high.

That's reasonable, Archie.

All right. All right.

Do you mind if I ask Harry

a couple of questions here?

- Murray: Please.
- All right.

Harry, how much
is Barney's bar tab?

Sixty bucks.

How much
did they say it will cost
to replace the stool?

- Forty bucks.
- All right, 60, 40,

so that comes to about
a hundred twenty dollars?

A hundred, Arch.

What's the difference?

Twenty bucks.

Shut up.

So, all right, there's a hundred
and eighty dollars there

and, uh, minus, uh,

a hundred dollars there,

so that should come to...
What is that?

Murray, write him
a check for about $65?

Geez, what more can I do
with the man?

Archie,

make it up to him.

Make it up, he's your friend.

What's the matter with you?

All right. All right.

Uh, let me through then.

You know, Barney, you complained

about a hundred and eighty
dollar legal bill there.

Should have seen
what our attorneys,

Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz,
and the rest have charged us.

Yeah. What was that?

Three hundred dollars.

What?

Your people, Murray.

Well, so anyway,

can things be
like they always was?

Yeah, like they always was.

But let this be
a lesson to you, Arch.

What do you mean?

It's always cheaper
to have faith

in your old friends.

- You see?
- This guy can't leave well enough alone.

Your people, Arch.