01x16 - Blanche and Murray

[bunniefuu]

God, he writes so small.

Uh, seven, eight, nine scotches,

so, uh, it's nine
bottles of scotch

plus two cases
with 12 bottles, these are...

So it's 24 bottles,

plus the nine, then I get 20...

- I guess... let me see.
- 24 and, uh...

- Mr. Bunker.
- Oh, oh!

Jose why'd you interrupt me?

I'm 20 minutes... I'm trying
to work this thing out,

and now you put it out
of my head again.

What do you want?

Mr. Bunker...

We both know
what you come in here,

but you ain't gonna get
it any faster

talking in Spanish
than in English,

so let's talk English.

What do you want?

Both: Money.

Yeah.
We can't afford it.

- How much?
- One dollar.

We can't afford it.

- 50 cents.
- We can't... how much?

50 cents, that's my bottom line.

50 cents?

- You got it.
- Gracias.

- Yeah, yeah.
- 50 cents an hour.

- Oh, hold it.
- That's four dollars a day.

- Hold it.
- That's $20 a week.

- Hold it.
- That's $1,040 a year.

$1,040 a year?!

An extra...
You ain't gonna get that.

- But that's what you said.
- We shook hands on it.

No, no, no, no,
you ain't gonna get that.

Another $1,040 year
for kitchen help.

Geez.

Down in Puerto Rico, they don't
even give that to the governor.

Seven... Oh, God.

- Good morning, Harry.
- Good morning, Uncle Murray.

- Hi, Stephanie.
- Good morning, Stephanie.

How about a kiss
for your uncle, huh?

- No, not today.
- Why not?

I forgot to brush my teeth.

Oh, well,
then how about a big hug?

- You got it.
- Atta girl.

There we are.

- Where's Uncle Archie?
- He's in the office.

- How are you?
- I'm here.

Why ain't you in school?

Aunt Edith asked if I could drop
this glasses off on the way.

Oh, geez,
I'm blind without this.

- Where'd youse find them?
- Where you do all your reading.

Go on to school.

You forgot something.

- What?
- My kiss.

You forgot to brush
your teeth, too.

Well, like people always say,

"As you get older, the first
thing to go is your memory."

No it ain't.

Come on, youse guys.

Will one youse give me
a hand in here?

Do I got to do
everything myself?

- Odds.
- Evens.

- Blanche Hefner.
- Hi, Harry.

Hey, what are you doing in town?

Looking for Barney.

Oh, what do you want with him?

The only thing any woman
would want from Barney,

back alimony.

Just came from the house,
why isn't he there?

'Cause he went to Great
South Bay on a hunting trip.

On my alimony?

Harry, he wants you to take
the empties out in the alley.

- Oh, yeah.
- Thanks.

Okay.

We're not really open, miss,

but can I get
you something anyway?

Uh, I was just looking
for somebody.

Aren't we all?

Never saw you
around here before.

Well, I never saw you
around here either.

I've been out of town.

I'm glad you're back.

Do you work here?

I'm Archie's partner.

You poor man.

Are you an earlier drinker?

If there's a reason.

Something, uh, light perhaps?

- Very light.
- When I drink, I lose inhibitions.

Well, may I suggest
the double vodka
and orange juice?

You mean a screwdriver?

I was afraid to say that.

Hmm, then join me
and lose your inhibitions.

Hmm.

My name's Murray Klein.

Mine's Blanche Hefner.

Uh-huh.

- Nice to meet you, Blanche.
- My pleasure.

We'll see.
I mean, I hope so.

Hefner, Hefner, huh?

You were related to Barney?

I used to be his wife.

Is that Blanche Hefner
over there?

Yeah. I'm back in town.

Why? Is the fleet in?

God, what a low-class
thing to do.

Listen, Arch, will you mind
your manners, please?

This is a customer here,
and a lovely lady.

Lady? All I see over there
is Barney's ex.

I'll come back when fatso's
off duty here, huh?

Blanche, I insist that you stay

and finish your drink.

Thank you.

Where are you going now?

You mind if I powder my nose?

Oh, no, no, powder your nose,

and anything else
that's shiny with wear.

You are crude.

You are gross.

You know, that's a very
attractive woman.

Well, did I ever say she wasn't?

Geez.

Why did Barney let her get away?

He left the door unlocked.

Come on, Arch.

She is a "lympho."

Ain't you ever heard of that?

How would you know?

Murray, Blanche was late

for her wedding with Barney

because the best man
didn't wake her up in time.

I don't like
listening to gossip.

I always take people
for what they are.

And to me,
she seems like quite a gal.

I'm only trying to tell you

she's a sex maniac.

If a woman has to be a maniac...

Geez, talk about gross.

Hey, fellas. I'm back.

And look what I brought home.

Harry:
Hey, nice sh**ting, Barn.

Oh, geez.

I'll give these here
to Veronica.

She can fix them uppers.

No, no, now, wait a minute.
They're not for you.

I just wanted Jose to clean them

and dress them for Dotty.

- Oh, h*, h*, his darling Dotty, huh?
- - Barney: Yeah.

Hey, your highness in there.

Where do you sh**t
ducks nowadays?

Through the head if you're good.

Did I hear somebody call
my name?

Don't yell, will you?

Your voice goes through
my head like a nail.

Everything goes
through your head,

because there ain't much
there to stop it.

Here's some ducks for you.

Hey, Veronica,
you think you can get Jose

to dress those for me?

Uh, Jose...

uh, uh...

Barney?

He said, "Yeah."

Because I thought I heard him
say, "Castro was coming."

- Now, listen, Barney.
- Barney: Yeah?

Guess who's here?

Looking for you
in the ladies' room.

Well, anybody
that's looking for me

in the ladies' room
isn't gonna find me.

Don't try to be witty

like Jerry Lewis.

Just guess who.

Is Dotty back?

No, no, think of somebody
that you don't wanna see.

Blanche?

Bingo.

She says she's here to collect
the alimony you owe her.

Oh, h*, h*, h*.

He owes her alimony, huh?

That woman is gonna
bleed me dry.

Well, how much did you have
to pay her since the divorce?

Nothing.

I owe her for three months.

Maybe she'll settle for
a couple of them ducks.

I better hide.

Forget you saw me.

Yeah, that's always
easy to do, Barney.

Well, looks like he finally
got Blanche out of his system.

I think he made a big mistake.

No, I didn't.

One Dotty is worth 100 Blanches.

Well, he's a dope
but he's right there.

I still think Blanche
is a very attractive woman.

Well, I guess
I'll be running along.

Oh, why?

Unless, uh, there's anything
further to talk about.

No. Nobody wants
to talk to you, Blanche.

Shut up, will you?

I enjoy talking to Blanche.

Likewise.

Oh, uh, Mr. Klein...

- Uh, Murray.
- Murray.

When Barney comes back,
would you tell him, uh,

- where I'm staying?
- Certainly.

- Where are you staying?
- At the Ramada Inn

where I'll be dining
alone tonight.

Why dine alone?

I can't think of
a reason in the world.

- Can I help you get a cab?
- I've got a car.

I'll see you to your car.

Geez, ain't that awful?

- No.
- Huh?

It's good for Barney.

What are you talking about?

Oh. You're absolutely right.

Hey, hey, hey.

I hope you've seen everything
went on out here.

Yeah, I've seen, and I heard.

- Murray clicked with Blanche.
- I know.

What's more important,
Blanche clicked with Murray.

I know.

If Murray keeps her happy,

maybe she'll forget
about the alimony.

Yeah, well,
at least for a while.

- Wouldn't that be great?
- No.

Are you still in love
with Blanche?

No.

Well, then if Murray takes
Blanche out of your hair,

- won't that be good?
- No.

- No?
- No.

And I ain't gonna stand for it.

What are you worried about?

Murray's a big boy.

- Ah.
- How long has he been gone?

He left here about 7:00
last night to meet Blanche.

We ain't seen a hide
or hair of him since.

Yeah, well, what I'm worried
about is poor Barney.

He's very upset.

Well, he's a nut.

All nuts are very upset.

But Barney's feeling
is very normal.

I remember when I chew over
Frankie Lostranzo.

He done a lot of things
to make me change my feelings,

like firing shots
at my underwear

on a clothesline.

And I thought that Frankie

meant nothing to me no more,

until I seen him one night

in a booth next to me

at Carmine's Lido
with another woman,

eating cutlets siciliana.

And that made you sore?

First, it only made me hungry.

I had a fella with me.

You know, I was
doing my own thing.

Why should I care, huh?

But you did care.

Yeah, I cared.

First, I was mad,

then I was hurt,
then tears come to my eyes

until I couldn't see
what was on the plate

in front of me.

Cutlets, you said.

Frankie had the cutlets.

I ordered scungilli marinara.

All I could see
in front of me was Frankie,

and he was sitting behind me.

The guy who I was with
became a total stranger.

And I bet he was nicer
than Frankie.

Everybody was nicer
than Frankie.

And you call that
behaving normal?

Yeah.

Take the case of my girlfriend,
Aurora Finsdeclairs.

- Now, she...
- Hold it, hold it,
will you, please?

Geez, one loony case is enough.

She's right, Arch.

Jealousy may be stupid,
but it's normal.

- What do you mean?
- Even when you're happy with somebody else?

Happiness with your new love
is always a little tarnished

if your old love is happy, too.

I get it.

If Barney could see
Blanche unhappy,

that'd make him happy again.

I wonder if Blanche
could help with that.

Come on.

The only way you get Blanche
to be unhappy

is if you wipe out the male
population of greater New York.

Hello, everybody.

- Hello, hello.
- Blanche.

- Murray.
- Arch.

You missed me, huh?

Yeah, look what the cat drug in.

- Is that a shot?
- No, Blanche.

I ain't got time
to bandage words with you.

- Archie was worried.
- He called the Ramada Inn.

Yeah, and they said
youse wasn't there.

That's what they're
supposed to say, dummy.

That's right.
You see, we drove out

to Long Island and we went...
Where was that?

Past the Hamptons, like...
Something like that.

Uh, doing what?

As if I didn't know.

And we had a little lunch,
I think,

and some dinner and...

No, I got to drive back
to Jersey.

- Oh, wait.
- Is Murray going with you?

No.

- We both need a change.
- Yeah.

I got to get in to
the office and finish

a little work there last night.

Before you do, Murray, uh,

can I use the office
for a minute?

I like to have a word with
Blanche, if, uh, I may?

Please, please, be my guest.

Oh, Mr. Van Ranseleer.

You always were a devil.

I bet you got some more
naughty limericks to tell me.

I believe I do,
and, uh, even more.

You.

I ought to punch you
right in the nose,

even if you are an ex-fighter.

Why? Just because I took off
a little time, huh?

You shouldn't have went
nowhere with Blanche.

Two, he's got
Barney's heart busted.

- Oh, come on.
- She's through with him,

he's through with her.

Uh, don't you
understand nothing?

See, this is
a very normal thing.

And Barney can't stand

seeing Blanche have no fun.

And neither can I
if it comes to that.

- She's free.
- She's supposed to have fun.

Don't you understand?

Listen, there's an old saying,

"New love can't be,

uh, varnished by happiness...

because, uh, happiness
ain't a varnish.

Happiness is, uh..."

Just a thing called Joe.

Yeah, something like that.

- Uh-oh.
- Look who just come in.

Uh, should I talk to him?

Not you, me.

Hey, Barney. I stayed late
just to cheer you up.

Wasn't that terrific of me?

Yeah, you're okay, Veronica.

But I won't be seeing you
after tonight.

I'm not coming
in this joint anymore.

Hey, Harry, what's my tab?

39.90.

You wanna pay it?

No.

I want to make a note of it.

I know just what
you're going through, Barney,

but you ought to be thinking
of that nice new lady you got.

- Van: Barney.
- Huh?

Uh, Blanche wants
to talk to you.

- Where is she?
- She's in the office.

- It won't take long.
- She has to leave it a minute.

Go ahead.

Okay. Thanks, Mr. Van R.

What's going on, Mr. Van R?

If Blanche understands
what I just told her to do,

our problem with Barney
might be solved.

Oh, just one final word.

Youse guys won't be seeing me
after tonight.

Oh, God.

- Oh, Archie.
- I'm so sorry.

I didn't realize I was
gonna cost you a friend.

Well, you did,

and you just cost
the two of us $39.90.

What do you want, Blanche?

Barney,

I am an unhappy woman.

Huh?

I said, I'm unhappy.

You'll get your alimony.

What kind of a life
do you think I have?

A new man every week.

The exterminator,

the TV repairman,

the awning man,

the exterminator.

You already mentioned
the exterminator.

He had a helper.

And then Murray.

Wasn't he up to your standards?

Never mind what
he was up to, Barney.

You don't know
how lucky you are.

You have a girlfriend
that loves you.

I've heard all about you
and Dotty Nertz.

That's Wertz.

Nertz, Wertz.

It's somebody.

I have nobody.

Nobody?

I thought you had everybody.

Who's everybody?

A few ships that crash
in the night?

I never had
a lasting relationship.

There was me.

Husbands don't count.

Look, Blanche,
somewhere along the line,

there must've been one guy
that made you happy, huh?

The TV repair guy,

the exterminators.

They all got me down.

I know they did.

Barney, I'm miserable!

You're not crying.

I'm crying on the inside.

Gee, Blanche.

I always thought that you
were...

Yeah, you thought I was happy.

Everybody thought I was happy.

Oh, how wrong you were!

Now, it's on the outside.

Oh, don't you touch me, Barney.

I was only trying
to comfort you.

Ha.

- Ha?
- Yeah, ha.

What do you mean by "ha?

- You see?
- You never did understand me.

You're happy that I'm miserable.

- I am?
- Of course you are.

It's written all over your face.

It is?

Well, I'll be damned.

Don't worry about me.

I'll get along as best as I can.

Forget it. You go.

Just find your happiness
with Dotty Nertz, huh?

That's Wertz, Blanche.

Don't waste any more time
thinking about me.

My life is a wreck, a wreck.

Don't forget the alimony.

It's done.

I hope it works.

You know,
I'm really a good person.

I know you are, Blanche.

Well, I've got to head on home.

I'll go with you.
I'll help you cross the street.

What a kind offer.

Thank you, my dear.

Nice walkin' into you, Blanche.

And you think
that's a swell lady, huh?

Yeah, she's swell.

She's nice enough to see
Van Ranseleer cross the street.

Grow up.

She ain't helping him
across the street.

He lives around the corner.

This guy here is very naive.

Innkeeper, I'll have a beer.

h*, h*, h*.

I thought you closed up
your account here.

Where did you get that idea?

Drinks for everybody.

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

- What are you doing?
- What's the matter?

Can't a fella feel good
if he wants to?

Well, that good you can
only feel for cash.

No tabs.

And by the way,
what about poor Murray here?

You're still sore with him?

Why should I be sore at him?

- Hey, Murray, Murray.
- Hmm?

I just wanna tell you
that you and Blanche

make a swell couple.

You really look nice together.

- I'm glad.
- Uh-hmm.

Well, well, well,

hallelujah.

Geez, drinks on me.

Hold it, hold it, hold it!

Geez, I don't know
half of youse people.

Where's you from? -

No, only the Long Island City

Hey, you. Come on, Arch.