02x02 - Archie Alone: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

What are you doing?

I'm gonna make bacon and eggs.

- For who?
- For you.

- Oh, no, I don't want nothing like that.
- Forget it.

Aren't you ever gonna
let me cook breakfast?

You can cook breakfast
when you grow up
and you get married,

if you're
lucky enough to
find some dope.

Meantime, look here.

We got your beautiful
Cocoa Crunchies, there.

Oh, don't give me that face.

Did you ever read
what's in this stuff?

Here, look at this.

You got your "phosphoruses"
there, your vitamins there,

you got your magnesia.

All of that. Hey.

And the best thing
of all is that stuff
is loaded with sugar,

you know,
to keep you going
all day long.

God, what stinks in here?

Everything.

The stuffed cabbage
from Mrs. Bloom,

the tuna casserole from Polly...

All right, all right, all right,
don't tell me no more.

If the refrigerator's working,
why is everything stinking?

It's all been in there
for three weeks.

Oh, well, didn't you think
to clean some of it out?

You told me not to touch
anything in the kitchen.

Yeah, that's right.
I told you that.

Hey, there was
a terrific picture on
"The Late Show" last night.

You should've stooped downstairs
and watched it with me

for a little while, you know.

"Godzilla" the monster.

Oh, you should've seen
that guy k*lling Japs.

Millions of them there.

We sure could've
used him in W.W. II.

So, how was school yesterday?

Fine. How was work?

Mmm. Terrific. Terrific.

I got everything under
control, like usual.

- We need milk.
- Yeah, I see that.

Well, I'll bring home
some from work tonight.

I was thinking,
this weekend could we...

Hey, hey, hey.
I got this weekend
all planned for us.

Look at this here.
Look what I got, huh?

Two reserved seats
tickets to the circus.

That's for Saturday afternoon,

and then on Sunday
we'll go to the movies again.

I'd like to go to the cemetery.

You said we would.

Oh, yeah, but I already
bought the tickets.

You promised!

I know I promised,
but I didn't say when.

I'll get that.

Oh, hi there, Polly.

- Come on in, come on in.
- How you doing?

Hi, Arch. I'm fine.

And you certainly sound chipper.

How's it going?

Oh, with us, oh, fine.

We're getting along swell here.

Look at this,
we're even having breakfast.

Ah! How are you, Stephanie?

- Okay.
- Good.

Arch, I came for
my casserole dish.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well...

Oh, Polly,
it's in here, you know,

amongst a lot of
other odds and ends.

Can you find it in there?

I found it.

You didn't eat it.
Don't you like lasagna?

Lasagna? Is that
what that used to be?

Yeah.

Aw, jeez.

- We love lasagna.
- We thought it was a tuna casserole.

Well, uh, I'll get
all of that out for you.

Oh, I'll get it out.

Hey, it looks like it's trying
to get out by itself.

Well, look at the time, kiddo.

Maybe you better be running
off to school, huh?

Okay, but what about
this Saturday?

Aw, come on, Saturday
we're going to the circus.

I got the tickets, huh?

And, look, we gotta
get there early

so get used to the smell
of the elephants.

So, then we'll have
our hot dogs and our peanuts

and cotton candy, then
we won't get "nauserated."

Take somebody else
to the circus.

What's she got
against the circus?

Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing.

She'll go to the circus,
all right.

It's just that...

she was thinking about making
a visitation to the, uh...

Well, you know, Meadow Glen.

Oh.

Yeah.

Ah, but I figure
what's the rush?

It's only a little over a month.

You might as well
give the grass a chance
to grow out there

before you start walking
all around, you know?

You know what I mean?

I know what you mean.

Well, just yell over the fence
if you need me, okay?

Yeah, I'll do that, Polly.

- Bye, Arch.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks a million.

Give my regards to Ed, huh?

I will.

Jeez, youse guys are always
fighting about something

that has no meaning
to the rest of humanity.

I'm just trying to tell Harry
that most of the traffic

that comes into the city comes
over the Triborough Bridge.

Well, I say it's the Queensboro.

Are you trying to
tell me my business?

I've been a bridge inspector
here for 28 years.

And I'm telling you
it's the Triborough!

Hey, how do you
inspect bridges when
you're always in here, huh?

Easy.

I simply consult my manifest,

find out that today's the day
for the Brooklyn Bridge,

and I mark it "unsafe."

Hey, Barn, try some
of these new cashews.

Yeah, they're excellent.

I got them at
a gourmet place
in the village.

Gee. Thanks, Mr. Van R.
You know, I really
love cashews.

It never fails, does it?

You guys. Is there no end
to your merriment?

Jeez, fellas, I hate to
interrupt important business,

but where's
my oven cleaner, huh?

- Archie's bringing it over.
- He's got a couple of errands to go on first.

We're trying to keep him busy.

You know,
I can't help thinking
of my cousin Eddie.

It was awful.

What's with him?

Well, he's a lot like Arch.

I mean, he relied on his wife
for everything.

And she passed away
in her sleep one night,

quietly, just like Edith.

- It was her heart, you know.
- It was terrible.

What happened?

- He couldn't handle it.
- He went to pieces.

- But not old Arch, huh?
- He's doing fine.

And I hope it stays that way.

Listen, we're all trying
to keep him happy, ain't we?

We're all keeping
his spirits up.

You can do that
by breathing on him.

Hi there, everybody.

Hey, Arch!

- Hi there, boss!
- You get my oven cleaner?

- Yeah, here it is.
- Jeez, this stuff costs a fortune.

Do you have to cook like a slob?

- Look who's calling who a...
- Don't argue!

You're right, Arch,
I'll try to watch it.

Hey, Linda, here.

Put that stuff back in
the office for me, huh?

I got a latch to fix
on the back door,

and I gotta look at
the leak in the ceiling there.

And this here, Murray,
this is a job for you.

Oh, glad to do it.

Is that for your toilet, Arch?

No, Barney,
it's for my goldfish bowl.

Goldfish bowl!

What the hell was so funny?

It's not what you said,
it's how you said it.

It's all in the timing.

- Oh, yeah?
- Barney: Yeah.

I was never that funny before.

Well, what can I say, Arch?

- Like good scotch you get better with age.
- -Murray: Right.

Well, like a good bartender,
pour me a beer, huh?

- Coming right up.
- Give him anything he wants.

Who got it this time?

I got it this time,
Mr. Van R.

Oh.

How come youse ain't
laughing at that, huh?

- You said I was funny.
- Ain't that a joke?

That's too childish to be funny.

Then why was Mr. Van R
wetting his pants, here?

- Come on, come on, Murray.
- I know what you're doing.

I know what youse
are all doing here.

Don't do it no more, huh?

You don't have to
tiptoe around me.

You're right, Arch,
you're right.

And youse don't have
to be always agreeing
with me, neither.

Okay, Arch, anything you say.

You done it again, you dope.

- You're right.
- And still again!

Yeah, I know.

You'd be better off
in Brooklyn, Barney.

Yeah, I think I'll go
inspect my bridge.

- Hello, Mr. Klein.
- Is Mr. Bunker in yet?

Oh, yeah, you tracked him down.

Hey, Archie.
This man was here
to see you yesterday.

I told him to come around today.

Go easy on him.

Mr. Bunker. Hi.

Jim Spencer, Fidelity Insurance.

It's about your wife's policy.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You are a tough man
to track down.

Well, I've been
pretty busy lately.

To tell you the truth,
I'm very busy right now,

setting up for
the lunch rush, you know?

And I gotta go back
and fix a raging toilet.

Oh, well, this won't
take but a minute.
Okay if we sit here?

First off, please accept
condolences on behalf of myself

and Fidelity Insurance on
the death of your wife, Judith.

That was Edith.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Please forgive me.

I have trouble reading
my own handwriting.

Maybe I should've
become a doctor, huh?

I, uh...

I have here
a beneficiary death claim

which states that Edith Bunker
died on the date indicated,

and if you'd just
sign it right there,

I'll present you with
a check for $5,000.

I ain't gonna sign that.

What?

I don't want to be
no "beneficarary."

What do youse people think,

that I can just sign a person
off the world like that?

I don't want it.

Just send it out to
my daughter in California.

- Gloria Stivic.
- She lives in Santa Barbara.

Well, why don't you
do that, Mr. Bunker?

I mean, you can endorse
the check right over to her.

But, you see, as beneficiary,

I need your signature
on the death claim.

I ain't signing no death claim.

Now, you're a big company.

Can't you just leave me alone

and do what
I'm asking you to do?

Send it out there
to my daughter.

Uh...

maybe I better
call the home office.

Yeah, well, listen, uh,
use the payphone down
in the subway, huh?

This one's out of order.

It's out of order!

- Archie Bunker's Place.
- A. Bunker here.

Uh, hold the line a minute, huh?

Down in the subway, huh?

I'm back with you.

- Yes, that's right.
- Stephanie Mills.

- What do you mean?
- She's fine.

What?

- Yeah, well, no, I didn't know.
- I'll handle it.

- All right, all right, all right.
- I'll handle it.

Bye.

Oh, holy cow.

What happened?

It's the kid.

She ain't been in school
for a week.

Veronica:
Don't you hit her.

I ain't gonna hit her.

What are you gonna do,
flush her?

Just stay calm.

I am calm.

Hi, everybody.

- Murray: Oh, hi, Steph.
- Hi, Stephie.

- Veronica: How are you doing, honey?
- -Fine.

Well...

- So, how was school today?
- Fine.

What did they learn you?

History.

How Marco Polo
opened trade with China.

Richard E. Nixon done that.
You're lying.

You wasn't in school today.

In fact, you ain't been
in school all week.

Don't use your hands!

I'm gonna use my hands on you
if you don't get out of here.

Arch?

You and me is gonna
have a little talk,

in private, back in the office.

Go ahead.

What are youse two looking at?

Who's looking?

- This ain't like you, kiddo.
- This ain't like you at all.

- What have you been doing?
- Where have you been going?

To the library.

- Every day?
- Nobody can read every day.

Once I went to a museum.

Mostly,
I sit in the park and think.

Well, you're supposed to be
doing your thinking in school.

I know...

but I can't go back there.

Oh, you gotta go back there.

I just can't!

The kids are treating me
different now.

What are they doing to you?

They don't wanna talk to me.

I had to recite a poem.

It was one Aunt Edith
helped me memorize.

And all of a sudden,
I was crying.

And ever since, the other kids
have been acting funny.

Listen, that should
teach you a lesson.

You hadn't ought to
go blubbering in front
of strangers.

But even at home, I can't.

You shouldn't be blubbering
at home neither.

- I mean, it don't do no good.
- It don't change nothing, kid.

Listen, I'm going through
the same thing here, you know?

Murray, Barney, all the guys,
they're treating me different.

They are?

They think you and me is gonna

fall apart now we're alone, see?

But they don't know us.

We're gonna be okay, ain't we?

Ain't we?

I guess so.

Good.

Now, after you eat your lunch,

I'll walk you back to school.

You don't have to.

I gotta.

I gotta go up and see
that truant officer.

Ain't that ridiculous?

You're the guy that goes AWOL,

and I'm the guy that's gotta
face the courts martial.

Oh, Bobby,
throwing things in class.

I understand how you feel.

School is full of frustrations,

failures, disappointments.

It's okay to be
angry about that,

but you can't express
that anger with violence.

It was self-defense.

It shouldn't be necessary.

Remember, Bob,

when you're trying to control
35 boys in shop class,

nothing is more
important than calm.

Hmm?

- Mr. Bunker?
- Please, come in.

I'm Miss Wakefield,
we spoke earlier
on the phone.

Yeah, yeah. I know, yeah.

But, I can't help saying
I'm a little surprised,

you know, seeing you,
a grown up woman,

and a good-looking woman,
too, I might add,

doing this kind of work.

What?

Being a truant officer,
torturing little kids.

Oh, Mr. Bunker,
I'm not a truant officer.

I'm a counselor.

Oh!

- What's that?
- Barnyard College?

That's Barnard.

Oh, Barnard.
Do youse have a football team?

No, but we were
the state champions in debating.

Debating. Whoop-de-doo!

Please, sit down.

I'd like to talk to you
about Stephanie.

First of all,
I want you to know how sorry
I am to hear about your wife.

Oh, yeah, well, yeah,
thanks very much.

And I realize this is
a difficult time for Stephanie.

Well, we don't need to go
into all of that, you know.

I had a nice little talk
with her this noon,

everything's gonna be all right.

She ain't gonna
play hooky no more.

Oh, that's good.

Did you find out
what the problem was?

Yeah, all the kids
was treating her funny.

But you know, that's normal.

The same thing
is happening to me,

you know, with the guys
down at my bar.

Ever since I lost my wife.

Did Stephanie
attend the funeral?

Attend?

Sure, her and me was
the first to the grave.

Well, I'm glad she had a chance
to mourn with the family.

Oh, we mourned first class,
let me tell you.

Does Stephanie talk very much
about her aunt?

Oh, well,
she tries to, you know,

but I get her right off of that.

Well, sometimes, people want
to talk about their sadness

with somebody close to them.

- Yeah, I know, I know.
- They keep wanting to drag it out

and drag it out, you know,

when they ought to be forgetting
it and getting on with life.

I suppose that you haven't
given Stephanie

anything that belonged
to your wife?

- Oh, no!
- God, what do you think, I'm a dope?

Jeez, I ain't even

looked at any of
that stuff myself.

I wanna pack it away
when I get a chance.

Mr. Bunker,
I think you're wrong.

I think you should let Stephanie
go through those things with you

and pick out something
that belonged to your wife.

What?

It's very helpful to have
a special keepsake.

Are you kidding?

No, I'm not kidding.

Oh, well, I don't know
what I'm doing here
wasting my time.

Jeez, you and me is talking
two different languages.

I'm afraid so.

Well, listen,
I done what you want.

I got the kid back in school.

That's what you was
worrying about,

you don't have to worry about
nothing no more. Good-bye.

- I'm not finished.
- Well, I am.

Mr. Bunker, children, just like
adults, need to deal with death.

It's part of life.

Stephanie needs
to talk about this.

If she doesn't, it could have
serious consequences.

I know my job and I'm doing it.

You just do your job.

Case closed.