02x11 - Custody: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

But they don't have
the kind of gym shoes
I want,

so we'll have to go to Sears.

But that won't be out of the way

because it's right near Macy's

where I have to get
a new winter coat.

You know,
the kind that's
real warm

but you can also wear
in the rain.

And while we're there,
we can look
at the skirts.

I have to get a navy blue one

and maybe a pleated one
in a pink and blue plaid,

which I can wear with
three new sweaters
I'll have to get.

Then we'll have to go
to Alexander's to buy.

And while we're there
we're gonna look for
a training bra.

- '- Cause Mrs.
- Canby says I'd better start wearing one now

or else I'll be sorry later.

Are you done?

- No.
- And then we have to find a store that sells western.

Because I absolutely
have to have a cowboy hat.

You don't need no cowboy hat!

That's the most
important thing
on my list.

- All the kids are wearing cowboy hats.
- It's in.

Well, it ain't in, here.
And it ain't comin' in here.

Now, finish your broccoli.

Broccoli stinks.

So? Shove it in your mouth,
you don't smell it.

I'll make a deal with you.

If you take me
shopping tomorrow,

I'll eat all of this broccoli.

I ain't making no deals
with no K*llers like you.

I gotta work tomorrow.

Here you go, Steph.

When can I have coffee?

When you're 35.

Murray, do you have to
work tomorrow?

Yes, he does.

Because Harry's got to
go to Atlantic City,

and Jose's gotta take his car
to the mechanic again.

That's right.
Jose spends more time

trotting behind tow trucks
than he does driving.

That's them people for you.

Can Mrs. Canby take me?

You don't deserve new duds

till you learn
how to take care
of your old ones.

- Stephanie: I'm getting better.
- -Hello.

Oh, come on.
Hey, the last time
I seen your room,

it looked like
a laundry truck was
caught in a cyclone

followed by an earthquake.

That was long ago,
when school started.

Mrs. Canby made me
clean it all up.

Ah!

Steph, this call's for you.

For me?

- Yep, it's a lady.
- Says she's your grandmother.

- What?
- Grandma?

Yeah, well,
that's what the lady says.

She got a grandma?

Eh, it's one of
her friends fooling
around here.

I picked up the phone
the other day,

some kid with
a voice like a cricket

telling me I was
gonna be drafted.

Well, I'd really like to,
but I can't.

I have to go shopping
for school clothes.

Okay, if you want to.

704, Hauser Street.

Okay. Goodbye.

You ain't supposed to be
giving out your address
to strangers.

I know, but that was
Grandma Harris.

Grandma Harris?

Grandma Harris.
Isn't that the old bag lady
who had a crush on Barney?

Nah, that's Grandma Hessel.

Hey, Steph,
you never said nothing
about a grandmother.

- Well, that's who she was.
- My mom's mom.

Listen,
you got any more secrets,
like a husband in the Navy?

- It ain't exactly a secret, you know.
- I knew about it.

I just didn't give
a damn about it.

And I still don't.

I just haven't seen her
since I was little.

Yeah, well,
what does she want
with you now?

She wants to
take me shopping
and to lunch.

She's coming over
in the morning.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- You can't do that.

I ain't gonna be there
to meet her,

and I ain't gonna let you
run off with no stranger there

claiming to be
your Grandma Hessel.

- Harris.
- Harris.

Whatever.

You can't go.

Arch, what are you saying?
I mean, it's her grandmother.

We don't know that.

Yes, we do.

I remember her.

She had a coat
with little dead foxes
hanging around her neck.

Oh, my God, ain't that awful!

Call her back,
tell her you can't go.

I don't know her number.

Besides, I want to see her.

- Of course, you do.
- What are you saying?

Will you shush there?

Go on back to school.
You can't go, case closed.

I'm not gonna go back to school

until you say she can take me.

You wanna bet
you ain't going back
to school?

I'm going!

Yeah, and ain't you
forgetting something there?

Yeah, my broccoli.

- Something else.
- Something else.

Yeah!

Look, you tell me something.

What's wrong with
the child wanting to see
her grandmother?

Murray, you don't know
her relations like I do.

The last one of them
turned up
was her father there.

He hit me for $200.

God knows what
this old lady wants.

Oh, come on.
Why are you so suspicious?

Because poor relations,
unless they want something,

they never return
to the scene of the family.

Oh, hello.

Oh, hiya there.

Why aren't you down at the bar?

Well, I had to go
to the store for something
and bring it back here.

What's this?

- This is a hat.
- What the hell does it look like?

It's what I had to buy,
you know, for the kid.

I don't know why she wants it.

She'd be better off
with a coloring book.

I think she might
agree with you.

Well, what time
are they coming back?

I don't know.

Well, you was here
when they left.
Didn't they say nothing?

No.

Well, what about
the old lady?
What's she like?

She seemed very nice.

I don't wanna hear that.

Did she ask you
how much money I got?

No, she didn't.

Well, you know why?

'Cause she's waiting to see
the golden goose himself,

so she can snatch at my eggs.

I can hardly eat
thinking about it.
Get me a beer, huh?

Coming right up.

Oh, Lord help us.

What a nothing family
that poor child
is saddled with there.

And now this old spider
creeping around.

Probably giving the kid
a song and dance,

while starving to death
in her old age.

And of course,
the kid being dopey
and soft-hearted,

she'll believe all of that.

What's this?

Coffee.

I don't say
"What is this?"

I'm saying
"What's this?"

Which means,
"Where the hell's my brew?"

I don't think you should
have beer on your breath
when you talk to Mrs. Harris.

What the hell do I care
if some old blister smells
beer off of my breath?

Okay.

I'll get that.

Yeah, who?

- Stephanie: Me.
- Oh.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Look at all the stuff
my grandma got me.

Uh, hello.

Oh, hiya there.

Look at the hat
my grandma bought me.

It's a Stetson.

I told her it was too expensive,

but she bought it for me anyway.

Yeah, well, you're a regular
Roy and Trigger, there.

And we got everything
at Saks Fifth Avenue.

- What a neat store.
- It's huge.

Yeah, I know.
Well, uh, don't stand there.

I mean to say, why don't you
put all your stuff away?

- Okay.
- Yeah.

And, uh, please come in.

Thank you.

- Uh, Mrs.
- Canby, whatever are you doing with that beer there?

Uh, you see, I got
my favorite beverage there,
coffee on the table.

- Uh, would you care for a beverage, Mrs.
- Whaddyacall...

Harris. No, thank you.

Come on, Stephie,
show me what you bought.

Oh, God, I got all these hats.

- This hat right here.
- Yeah.

All these skirts, everything.

Oh, let me help you
with all of these, here.

Just put that there,
and, uh,
please find a seat.

Not that chair.

- Don't worry, Mr.
- Bunker, I wasn't going to sit in your chair.

Stephanie told me
how much it means to you.

Oh, no, it ain't that.

It's just that that chair
was never a favorite
of ladies, you know?

There's a spring,
pops up
in the back there.

Never had a chance
to get it ripped out.

Uh...

I was sorry to hear
about your wife.

Oh, thank you.
Uh, the kid mentioned
that, huh?

No, no, I heard about it,
and uh, that's what
brought me here.

Oh, yeah?

It's such a small world.

The girl out in Manhasset
who does my hair

- is cousin to a woman who used to be married to a Mr.
- Hefner.

Oh, yeah, that would be
big-mouth Blanche.

Yes, I believe so.

- Anyway, she mentioned that a Mrs.
- Bunker had died suddenly,

and since it's not
a usual name,
I thought...

Yeah, I get what you mean.

So, you right away figured
the kid was living with us.

- Oh, no.
- I've known that for quite a while.

Oh, do tell.

Is anything wrong?

No. I was just expecting
something a little different.

A little different?

Well, to tell you the truth, uh,

the only other
relation of the kid's
who ever come around here

was her father Floyd,
and you know,
he was looking

to hit me up for some dough,
so I figured, you know...

Oh, that I wanted your money?

That's ridiculous.

Yeah, well, I can see that now.

So...

What do you want?

I want my granddaughter.

I want Stephanie to
come and live with me.

h*, h*, h*, h*.

Listen, lady,
Floyd left that kid
in our care.

Yes, but there isn't
"our" anymore.

There's just you,
a single, middle-aged man.

And not even a blood relative.

So what?

You can't give her
the right kind of care.

Oh, I ain't
going to listen to
nothing like this.

What are you talking about?

That kid is doing fine,
right where she is.

And there ain't
nothing she needs
that she don't get.

I doubt that.

I think that a little girl
needs a woman's care.

And if not her mother,
certainly her own grandmother.

Think.

Think of what's best
for the child.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Who the hell are you
to tell me what
to think, huh?

After all,
as far as I'm concerned,

you're a total stranger,
walking in here!

I mean,
since before today when
did you last see that kid?

I got you there.

No, no, no, no.

I mean, look, I don't
want to be, whaddyacall,
harsh or rude or,

you know,
nothing like that,
but get out of here!

Don't get excited,
Mr. Bunker. Get a lawyer.

Me? You better
get yourself a lawyer!

Already have.

He suggested that
I talk to you first,
before taking this to court.

Now I've done that,
so now we'll
let a judge decide.

Mr. Bunker,
I'm warning you,

I'm a woman who usually
gets what she wants.

And I want my granddaughter.

I'll be damned
if I'm gonna take this
sitting down!

Oh, hey, uh, kid.

You don't wanna wear
this dopey little thing, here.

I only bought that
to send it out to California
to Joey there.

Uncle Archie,
I don't wanna leave you.

Well, you ain't gonna leave me.

What are we gonna do?

Oh, I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna look up
some very old and dear
friends of mine.

Here they are.
Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz,

Rabinowitz and sons,
and sons-in-laws.
And whatever.

- Who are they?
- Oh, who are they, huh?

They're lawyers, honey.

Seven savage Jews
who know how to
put the run on her.

- Will you look at this here?
- McGuire.

The judge is a Mick.

And I got a Rabinowitz
for a lawyer.

Nothing personal, Sol.

But maybe we should delay
and I should go for
a Finnegan or a Murphy.

Listen, Bunker, when we're
inside with the judge,
we'll have a signal.

If I put my hand
on your knee,
please stop talking.

Now, don't do that, will ya?

I get goosey
whenever a man
touches my legs.

Shush, here comes
the grandma and some kid.

My God, I don't believe it.
Look who's here!

- Gary?
- You're my adversary?

- He's his what?
- Enemy.

How's your mother?
How's Sharon?
How's the baby?

- Don't be asking him nothing!
- He's your enemy.

Everybody's fine.
I'll see you inside,
Uncle Sol.

- Uncle Sol?
- Uncle Sol?

Good luck, Gary!

You don't have to wish him luck.

You're right,
he's never lost a case.

Come on.

Only four people
are allowed in my chambers.

- The parties concerned and the two attorneys.
- One of you get out.

Not you, Bunker!

I'll meet you out in the hall.

You Bunker?

That's A. Bunker,
uh, Judge, there.

I'm a veteran of WWII
and a local businessman...

Sit down.

You own a bar?

- Oh, yes, Judge.
- Uh, a bar and grill.

Oh, and by the way,
we got an Irish
Catholic cook over there

by the name of Veronica Rooney.

You ought to
drop around some time.

Hold the commercial.

I hate Irish cooking,
and I don't drink.

Aw, jeez! Ain't that odd!
You know, considering
your name, McGuire.

What's that supposed to mean?

No intense offended, Judge.

The whole world knows
youse people ain't exactly
strangers to the sauce.

Ah, shut up,
the Judge has been
around the block.

Let's get on with this. Uh...

You're Estelle Harris?

Yes, Your Honor.

Now, as I understand it,
one Stephanie Mills, age 12,

was left in the care of
Mr. and Mrs. A. Bunker,

Mrs. Bunker,
presently deceased.

Uh, that's true, Judge.

But my wife taught me
everything she knew.

At this time, Estelle Harris,
the maternal grandmother,

is seeking legal custody.

That's correct, Your Honor.

Why is he talking?

He's her lawyer.

You ain't saying nothing.

The hearing is hereby
set for one week from today,
at 9:00 am.

As requested, in the meantime,
Mrs. Harris can see the child.

The kid is happy.
The kid don't wanna see her.

The child hasn't told me that.

Why did you have to
show up at all

when everything is
going along so good?

Cut that out!

You're out of order, Bunker.

Why, sorry, Judge, a man
just grasped my leg here.

Where was you
when free-loading Floyd
dumped the kid on us, huh?

Bunker, be quiet!

Oh, I'm sorry, Your Honor.

Shush.

Also, I'm appointing someone
to the SPCC
to investigate both homes.

Oh, Judge, it's a child
we are talking about,
not a c*ck spaniel.

How dumb.

It is cruelty to children,
not animals.

Well, Judge, there was nobody
ever cruel to that child,

not while she was
under my roof, there!

The only people cruel to her
was her deadbeat family
that deserted her!

I never deserted that child!

- Ah!
- Why didn't you take the kid in, in the first place?

Ask her that, Your Honor.

Ask her where was she
when that child had
her first appendextimy?

Bunker, sit down!

Yes, Judge.

Wake up!

And if I'm not
satisfied with that
social worker's report,

the child will be placed
in a foster home
until custody is determined.

Excuse me, Your Honor,
but are you sure you can
do a thing like that?

I'll check, but I think I can.

Hello, Harry.

Harry: Hey, Barney.

Hiya, fellas.

Excuse me.

Set up four
of the regulars, Harry.

I'm gonna get bombed.

How many did you have at home?

I don't remember.

I wasn't using a glass.

I haven't seen
a smile around here since
the day before Christmas.

'Tis the season to be jolly.

Not for me.
I've no one to
be jolly with.

Veronica:
Me neither, Barney.

Another New Year's eve
coming up,

and most of my loved ones
are in prison.

Ah, you've got
your loved ones
here, Veronica.

Don't forget we're gonna have
a party with hats
and noisemakers, remember?

Yeah, sure,
for you guys out there.

I'm gonna be stuck back here
singing Auld Lang Syne
to a turkey.

Invite someone else.

- Thanks, Harry.
- You're aces.

Where's Arch?

He's in the back,
potchkeying around.

He's trying to
get his mind off
the hearing.

Oh, he isn't succeeding.
It's all he talks about.

Yeah, uh, maybe it's
keeping his mind off
other things.

Yeah.

Like his first Christmas
without Edith.

It's been rough.

And my third without anybody!

- A minute ago, I was depressed.
- Now I'm suicidal.

Hey, we gotta
wash down the walls
in the ladies' can.

Yeah, I know.

They've been writing things
about me and you.

What are you worried about?

What they've been
writing about me
ain't true.

When did you get here, Barney?

Oh, hi, Arch.

Harry:
Archie Bunker's Place.

Oh, about two
and a half drinks ago.

I see
you're well on your way
to your annual paraliasis.

Yeah, sure, Mrs. Canby,
I'll tell him.

Tell me what?

There was a social worker
over at the house.
A Mr. Davis.

And he's on his way
over here now.

Aw, jeez! He was
at the house, huh?

God, I hope she showed him
her good housekeeping.

And her Time and Newsweek, too.

Look at this here.

We can't have a social worker
thinking that we let drunks
in this joint here.

Murray, please,
stow him away
in the storeroom.

- Okay, come on, Barney.
- Come on.

- Oh, yeah.
- Let's go back there.

Yeah. Let's show you
some new bottles we got.

Keep him away
from an open flame.

Can't we get something
of a family, you know,
feeling in here?

- I don't know.
- Look at her.

Hey, Veronica,
could you try to look
a little more motherly?

What do you want me
to do, Archie?

Put Harry on my shoulder
and burp him?

No, just disappear, huh?

- Hello.
- It's chilly out there.

I'm looking
for a Mr. Bunker.

Oh, right here.
You're looking at him.

You must be
the social worker,
Mr. Whaddyacall...

Davis. Earl Davis.

Yeah, yeah, pleased to
meet you there.

Mrs. Canby just phoned
you was on your way over.

Yeah, I, uh,
hope you noticed while
you was at the house that

Mrs. Canby there
is a colored person.

Just as I was leaving
it dawned on me.

Yeah, well, I mean, you know,

having a black lady there,
working hard
in my house there,

don't that say
something about me?

- Oh, brother!
- What?

This is a nice place
you have here.

Yeah, oh, real family.

The kid comes here every day
for her lunch, you know.

Uh, but never in the bar,
only in the restaurant.
Right, Harry?

What's that, Arch?

I was just saying
to Mr. Davis here that, ah,

Stephie never comes
into the bar.

Who's Stephie?

Ah, you see?

I see.

Well, listen,
you don't have to
stand there.

Go on over
and take a seat,
you know.

Hey, you should see the place
in the middle of every day.

It's crowded with minororities,

all sitting down at the tables,

and right up front, too.

Mr. Davis, can I get you
something to drink
or something to eat?

I'd like a cup of coffee,
if it's not too much trouble.

No trouble at all.

I'm Murray Klein,
I'm Bunker's partner.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Klein.

Likewise.

Oh, Murray's like
an uncle to the kid,
you know.

I suppose you notice
he's Jewish.

No, I couldn't tell.

Oh.

Well, I mean, he ain't
too Jewish, you know.

But, uh...
He takes her out
all the time.

He takes her to ballets,
you know, and to museums

and all of them things,
as he naturally would.

What do you mean "naturally"?

Well, you know,
the Jewish people,

they're nuts on culture,
you know.

Just like certain other
people are nuts on football,
basketball and playing drums.

And tap dancing, sh**ting craps.

You got it.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

Yeah,
sit down, sit down, Murray.

Me and Mr. Davis was
just kinda rapping.

- I heard.
- I heard. I heard.

What's the face?

- Mr.
- Davis, I don't want you to get the idea that...

I won't.
Mrs. Canby briefed me
on Mr. Bunker.

Hey, Arch, you want to
hear something funny?

I mistook your office
for a men's room.

Don't tell me,
you went in there and...

Certainly not.

I only wrote a poem on the wall.

- Excuse me there, Mr.
- Davis, but it seems that some misfortunate drunk,

you know,
just staggered in here
from the alley out there.

It happens here.

Come, come, fellow,
whoever you are.

I'm Barney.

Get in there, get in there.

Just keep talking here,
like everything
was normal, huh?

See, he's a little nervous
about losing the little girl.

Yes, I know.

I keep telling him
he's not going to lose her,
but he won't believe me.

Don't keep telling him.

What do you mean?

Well, he's got an okay house.

He's got
a wonderful housekeeper,
the little girl is happy.

And I can see that
he's just an
ordinary businessman.

I'll okay him.

But this is
a child custody case,

and he's not a relative.

He doesn't stand a chance.