02x13 - Murray Klein's Place

[bunniefuu]

Walking outta here
in the middle
of the day

and during the rush hour!

You call this a rush hour?

Don't argue with me.

The joint could
explode any minute.

Can't you
get on the horn there and
call up that horse parlor,

tell Murray to get back here?

Everyone's entitled to a break.

- But Barney's with him.
- That could turn a break into a leave of absence.

Why'd they go to
the horse parlor?

Why didn't they go
to the offtrack betting?

Because, Mr. Van R.,

at the offtrack betting,
Barney can't get no credit.

What are you getting
so upset about

Barney and Murray
going out, having
a little fun?

They're gonna have bare behinds

'cause they're gonna
lose their pants
bettin' on the horses.

Let me tell you something.

The surest signs
of a weak mind is
gamblin' and drinkin'.

Give me my beer, huh?

Murray: Hi, guys!

Hail to the conquering heroes!

- Hello, Mr. Bunker.
- What a Klondike!

Harry, I'll have
a perfect Rob Roy.

With a cherry.

Make mine
a boilermaker
and his helper.

Ah! They must have won.

We didn't lose.

That's right.
We both got $120 each.

Thanks to Murray's
very own system.

We don't wanna hear
nothing about it.

Oh, what's the matter with you?

In case you
ain't noticed, Murray,
we got a business here.

We got customers to look after.

That's why I came back.

Whoop! Time.
Put it on the radio.
Let's hear the race.

- k*ll that radio.
- We might get Howard Cosell.

This is something important.

It's the final race of the day.

That's right. We got
a three-horse parlay.

If Anxious Stud comes in,
we got it made!

With our original
$30 bet, we stand
to make $22,000!

Yes, sir!

Should I give him his tab?

Give him his tab.

Male commentator:
And in the stretch
it's Anxious Stud

in front by
three-quarters
of a length.

Now, it's Anxious Stud
and Boy Dancer,
neck and neck.

It's Boy Dancer
and Anxious Stud.

And Boy Dancer
wins it by a nose.

Anxious Stud is
second by a length.

What happened?

We lost.

Put back his tab.

Oh, what's the difference?

We'll make it back in
the triple tomorrow,
right, Murray?

Wrong, Barney.
I'm quitting while I'm ahead.

What are you talking about?

The system is just getting hot!

Yeah, but that race
just cooled it off.

Okay, let me have
the calculator,

brief me
on the system again
and I'll go up by myself.

All right,
here it is,
very simple.

Here. Now, you take
the horse's weight

and you divide it
by the jockey's
weight, right?

Then you
multiply that amount
by the last five winners,

but if the track is fast,
you take off three points,

but you add five
if the track is muddy.

Got it?

Yeah, I got it.

You're gonna lose
your shirt, Barney.

- I'm gonna win.
- And now, I got some tricky computations to do,

so I'd appreciate a little
peace and quiet over here.

You're gonna be sorry, Barney.

- Don't worry about me, pal.
- I know what I'm doing.

How do you turn this on?

Hey, Arch, you got
the system worked out yet?

- Yeah.
- I got it all alphabeticalized for you here.

- You know what I mean?
- The ABCs here, huh?

Ale, bourbon, brandy.

That's close.

We outta champagne?

That's down here
with the "Ns."

"C" is for champagne.

- But "N" is for nobody.
- And nobody orders this frog juice.

Well, somebody
ordered it just now.

No kidding! Some
rich Arab stroll in?

Yeah, one just phoned.
He's on his way over.

Abdul Mohammed Hefner.

Oh, don't tell me!

He's coming over in a cab

and he wants
a bottle of champagne
waiting for him on ice.

I'd like to put him on ice.

Veronica, we got any caviar?

Yeah, sure.
We always keep
a barrel around

for our
bacon, lettuce
and caviar sandwiches.

Well, Barney only
wants a jar of it
when he comes in.

I tell you what I'll do, Murray.

I'll pour some
soy sauce over tapioca.

He'll never know the difference.

You mean to say he's
asking for caviar now?

He's become impossible
since he hit that
lucky streak.

Oh, well, let me tell you.

That lucky streak is
gonna come to an end.

And it's gonna come to
a bad end, too, Murray.

And it's gonna be your fault

for touting him on
to that system of yours.

What are you talking about?

We only went down to that
horse parlor a couple
of times.

Now he's betting on everything.

Basketball, hockey, you name it.

Only yesterday,
he wanted to bet me

on which way
a pigeon would
fly off a statue.

Greetings, sports fans!

Jeez. Look at
the jacket there.

- What did you do, Barney?
- Go out and sh**t a couch?

Hey, Barney, that's terrific!

Did it come with bagpipes?

At ease.

If you all
are referring
to my ensemble,

I'd like you to know
that I finally found
a tailor

who shares my sense of style.

Hey, Mr. Van R.
could go out and pick out
a stylisher coat than that.

What's the matter, Arch?
Are you jealous of my
good fortune?

Not at all, Barney,
I'm just sick of you.

Oh-oh!

Coming around here,
flaunting all your
winnings there,

like you really done something.

I have done something.

I've pulled myself
up from the lower
levels of life.

I got class.

You've got about as much class

as a clothesline
on a roof in Newark.

Are my champagne and
caviar waiting in
the wings?

Coming right up, Barney.
The best in the house.

Ah, thank you, Murray.

Bon appetit, Barney.

- Bless your heart.
- Oh, lovely!

I'll have one of those.

Mmm!

Oh, those are delicious.

You know something, Veronica?

If I wasn't an old caviar eater,

I'd swear that was tapioca.

Ah!

He really is a dope, ain't he?

Oh, and by the way, I'd like
two of your finest steaks
to go.

Make mine medium.
Rusty likes his rare.

Listen, buddy,

you ain't
gonna put nothing like
that on a tab, you know.

As a matter of fact, I think
you better pay up your
tab now,

and all of this, right now.

Certainly, innkeeper.

I trust you can change $100.

The hackie couldn't handle it.

- That $100 will just about cover all you owe.
- Murray.

Thank you.
Thank you, Barney.
Your slate is clean.

Think nothing of it, pal.

And a small gratuity
for you, my good man,

if you just turn up the
sound on the Knicks game.

Thank you.

You're gonna take
$10 off of a child?

I ain't proud.

Murray: The Knicks
were down five points
the last time I looked.

- Splendid!
- My money's on the Celtics.

What? You're
a New Yorker

and you went out
and bet on Boston?

Right. That dope
Bruno The Bookie.

He told me
this was a pick 'em game.

So, I put down 800 clams
on the Celtics.

Eight hundred?

A mere bagatelle!

And you go out and you
bet against the home team?

Well, you deserve to lose!

You gotta go with
the winner, Arch.

And that certainly
isn't the Knicks.

Harry:
Ah, the Knicks
got the ball now!

They scored!

- Come on, Knicks!
- Beat this guy!

Ah, save your breath!
The Celtics got it
sewed up.

Another 15 seconds,
I win my bet.

Come on, you Celtics!

Archie: Knicks!

Barney: Come on,
watch it, watch it!

Harry: He's fouled!

That's no foul!
What are you talking about?

- Three to make two.
- Here he goes!

Miss it.
Miss it, you bum!

Male commentator:
Now the Knicks
are two down.

Come on!
What are you doing?

- Come on, you guys!
- What are you fooling around there for?

Get that guy!
Don't let him score!

Harry: The Knicks win!

Now you see what happens?

You turn your back on
New York and New York
will k*ll you.

Oh, let me alone.

Let this be a lesson
to you, there, Barney.

- This gambling thing is a poison.
- Don't you understand?

It goes right
through your soul
and into your wallet.

Now stop all of this!

And another thing,
there, burn that coat!

Get out of here.
Let me alone.

I'm going down to that phone
and I'm gonna put 15 big ones

on the Rangers tonight,
double or nothing.

Hey, wait.
Don't do it.

Don't do it, pal.
You're getting cold.

Excuse me.

You ain't calling
no bookie on our
house phone!

Oh, really?

Well, this ain't
the only phone in
the world, you know.

Watch what you're doing!

Get away
from that phone!
It's out of order!

Says who?

Says this.

I get it.

Well, this ain't the only
saloon in the world,
either, you know.

It's the only
saloon in the world
that will put up with you.

Is that so?

Well, I'll just take
a little walk down to
McFeeney's Topless.

Good! Because
you're topless, too.

From the neck up.

That's wonderful!

They got
a much warmer
clientele there.

And another thing, they got
an owner with a lot more
class.

Go on
down there and get lost
in all them mammalaries.

And don't come back
till you're flat broke,

you're all outta dough
and you need money.

And then, I'd like to see you!

Yeah, why?

I wanna laugh in your face.

Oh, that's hilarious!

Hey, let me tell you something.

I'd k*ll myself before
I'd ask you for a nickel!

Our old friend Barney
gone bananas over gambling!

And there he is,
threatening to
k*ll himself.

Murray,
if he really
kills himself,

it's your fault.

Here's a guy
that claims to
have a rubber brain.

You don't believe that!

I gotta believe it.

The guy was one of the
reporters on this paper.

There's a picture of him
here bouncing off of a wall.

Here, look.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Van R.

Murray Klein's Rendezvous.

Hey! Hey!

Just wanted to see
if you were awake.

Huh?

Well, no, no,
Barney hasn't been
in here for a week.

- All right, fine.
- When he comes in, I'll give him the message.

You're welcome. Bye-bye.

Barney's boss again?

Yeah, he's still sore.
Barney hasn't showed up yet.

- A city job.
- I'm surprised they missed him.

With all that money he's made,

he could be down in Florida.

Oh, God,
can you picture Barney
down there in Florida?

Betting on how many
Cubans swim over
every hour?

Come on, Arch.

Did you ever think that he
took up gambling because
he's lonely?

Oh, that argument don't cut
no ice with me, Mr. Van R.

- There's a lot of people in this world lonely.
- Look at you.

Arch, you know
what I can't understand

is why you're taking
all this so personally.

Well, because.

I was once hooked in this
sickness here myself,
you know.

I nearly drove my poor,
sweet wife, God rest
her soul, nuts.

That's why it
makes me sick to
see Barney in it.

- Hi, afternoon, gentlemen.
- What can I get you?

- Barney Hefner.
- Huh?

Has he been in?

Barney hasn't been
here for a while.

He ain't gonna be back, neither.

He's been eighty-sixed
outta here.

Well, what can
we do to help you?

Well, we have
some important
news for him.

You see, we're his
financial consultants.

Financial consultants.
Whoop-dee-doo.
How do you like that?

It ain't bad enough
he's into the horses,

now he's getting
into the market, too.

The guy wants to get k*lled!

That's a definite possibility.

- Well, listen, did you try his house?
- I'll tell you where he...

Well, we've been
there every day,

but Mr. Hefner
has not been at home.

Well, I don't see
how we can help you.

- What do you mean we can't help him?
- Just tell the man that...

Well, just tell him that
his life insurance policy
is about to expire.

Now, if he wants to renew it,

he should contact me
immediately.

Yeah, well, listen,
if I see him
I'll tell him that

'cause I know
he don't want his
insurance policy to...

Uh...

Is there something
funny about them
young guys?

Yeah, they don't smile.

That's it, yeah.

Well, what do you think of
that financial advisor
bit there?

Hey, how much
do you think it costs
to have a guy like that?

It'll cost him an arm and a leg.

Ah, no!

Oh, yes. I think
that's Bruno "The Book"
and his two bookends there.

And I think we'd better
find Barney before they do.

Oh, come on,
youse are all
making too much

- of the whole thing there.
- Give me a beer.

Aren't you the
least bit concerned?

- Yes, that's what I am.
- The least bit concerned.

I'm gonna check
McFeeney's Topless.

Oh, McFeeney's Topless.

Be sure
you're checking
for Barney over there.

Don't be checking
that jigglin' flesh.

I thought you was
Barney's best friend.

Don't you know
what those guys
are gonna do to him?

Yeah, they're gonna
scare him a little.

When I was going out
with Carmine Grandizzi,

he owed 5,000 bucks
to Vinnie "The Limp."

They tied Carmine up
and took a huge zucchini...

- Stop, stop!
- We don't wanna hear nothing like that.

All her friends
are always torturing
each other with vegetables.

Well, I'm just
trying to prepare you

for what might happen
to your friend,

but I can see
you really don't care.

Barney made his own bed.

Now let him lay in it there.

With or without koozinis.

Archie Bunker's Place.

Barney! Where are you, Barney?

- Who's that?
- Barney.

- Hey, Barney, Barney.
- Listen, be careful.

There are some th*gs
out looking for you.

- What's he saying?
- What's he saying?

Hey, Barney.
Barney, don't do that!

Barney! Barney!

What'd he say?

He says he forgives you
for throwing him
out of the bar.

He just called to say goodbye.

What? Is he
going outta town?

He ain't going nowhere.

He's home. He says
he's gonna k*ll himself.

k*ll himself!

He wants Arch to
take care of Rusty.

- Veronica: Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

- We gotta get over there!
- Will you shut up!

Don't go no place!

Stay where you are, there!

And keep your voice...

Keep your voice down, huh?

- Don't be looking at me.
- Drink your beer.

Leave this to me, will you?

- God!
- I been through these crisises

with Barney Hefner
over and over again.

I know just how to handle it.

Well, here we are,
Rusty, old pal.

The last can of
dog food in the house
and we're gonna share it.

Just like we
shared my frozen
pizza, remember?

Here you are, pal.

Eat that up.

Mmm.

You know, Rusty,
these beef by-products
are pretty good.

Don't breathe a word, Rusty.

It might be them
K*llers come back.

Come on,
we've gotta
get in the closet.

Come on.

Barney!

Oh, God.

Barney, I see you got
Julia Child coming over

and cooking for you, huh?

k*ll, Rusty!

Are you kiddin'?

The last time that dog
k*lled anything was my lawn.

How did you get in here?

With this key,

which you so conveniently
left under the mat for
any dope to find.

Oh, yeah?

Well, if you came
over here to stop me,
you're wasting your time.

Oh, oh, oh,
I wouldn't dream
of stopping you.

Because I know
those guys have got

a long, lingering
death waiting for...

What do you mean,
you wouldn't dream
of stopping me?

- Just what I said.
- You got a beer?

Yeah, in the fridge.

Thank you.

Well, if you wouldn't
dream of stopping me,

then what'd you
come over here for?

Oh, well, somebody
told me that after
you croak there,

that you was planning
to leave Rusty to me,
you know.

So I thought
I better come right over
and tell you in person,

please don't do that.

Well, I don't know
what you're gonna
do there, Barney.

Whether you're gonna
k*ll yourself

or break the lamp, you know.

But, let's see how it comes out.

Aren't you at all
upset by this tragic scene?

No.

You got any pretzels
in the house?

What about
all the years
we been pals together?

Oh, I ain't gonna
forget none of them
precious memories.

I wish there was another way.

Well, you got the oven there.

I don't mean that.

I mean to raise
the money that I need.

I went to the bank
and they laughed at me.

That's because
you didn't
burn that coat.

My name ain't worth a nickel

since Blanche ran off
with my credit card.

Ain't you got
some little savories
to eat with the beer?

I thought, as a last resort,

I could
go to my dear
devoted friends,

who would be
delighted to save me.

You know,
if they really
knew my plight.

Ain't you got anything to say?

Yeah. When are
you gonna jump?

- Come on, Barney, I ain't got much time, huh?
- Geronimo.

Do you want me to help you?

Do you want me
to kick the chair out
from under you there?

Wait, wait,
what are you
saying to him?

Are you crazy?

Come on, Barney,
get off the chair.
Get off the chair!

I can't get him
to do that, you try.

Barney, things can't be
really that bad.

Now, there's no amount
of money in the world
that's worth your life.

Hold it, hold it!

This man ain't
Reggie Jackson,
you know.

Do you really mean that, Murray?

Of course I do.

Will you loan me $2,500?

Huh?

"Huh?" What do
you mean, "Huh?"

You said his life
is worth money.

So give him some.

Well, I...
Well, I think we should.

What do you mean, "We"?

I ain't the guy
that got him into
the gambling mess.

What, are you blaming
all this on me?

If you hadn't thrown him
out of the bar,

all this wouldn't have happened.

Archie: I didn't
throw him out of the bar.

Where do you come off
telling me it's my fault?

He insulted me
and then left the bar.

Well, he wouldn't have
run out the way he did...

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, fellas.

Let's enjoy a beer
while we discuss
my deal, huh?

Ah, you see this?

A tragic situation
suddenly turns
into a deal.

I knew this was
gonna happen, see?

All right, Barney.

Raise your right hand.

See how fast he does this, huh?

Do you solemnly swear
to cold-turkey gambling
just like I done,

and never, never gamble no more?

- Whatever you say, Arch.
- I solemnly swear.

You see,
it was like
booze or drugs.

You know,
I got hooked into it
and I just couldn't stop.

I know all about it, Barney.

And that's why
I'm gonna help you.

I'm gonna lend you this money.

- Thanks, Arch.
- Wait a minute.

I think we both
should lend you
the money.

I mean, we're both
friends of his,
aren't we?

- Ain't this nice, huh?
- Ain't this nice?

You oughta be
grateful for the
rest of your life

that the two of us
friends of yours
saved you

from them
bloodthirsty,
low-down th*gs.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Since you've
decided to pay
your friend's debt,

maybe you'd like to
get it out of the way.

Like now.

Uh, do you take
the Diner's Club?

Why pay a service charge?

I'll take a check, though.

I have a checkbook.

I got a pen.

See, I want
to thank you
for this, Bruno.

I never thought
a bookie would
take a check.

Well, why not?

You've got
a nice neighborhood
establishment there

with big windows
in the front and
the back.

What's your last name, Bruno?

Make it out
to Interborough
Sand and Cement.

Make it out.

You see what a dumb man you are?

Aw, be nice to your friend.

You know, he's got a problem.

All gamblers got a problem.

They don't think
they deserve the
money they earn.

They wanna punish themselves.

You see,
they wanna lose
everything they got.

And I'm here to help 'em.

Like a therapist.

Here's your check, doctor.

Start up the van, boys.

Thank you, gentlemen.

It's been a pleasure.

Hey, Barney, smile!

You got
two terrific friends here.

Buona sera.

Yeah.

Arrivederci, there.

Well...

He's kind of a nice guy,
ain't he?

Oh, he's a sweetheart.

Hey, I'm gonna
pay you guys back
every nickel I owe you,

and I'm gonna
start with my last $5.

Yeah. I'll take that.

Oh, wait.
What are those?

Oh, those are
just a couple of
sweepstakes tickets

- that I bought a little while back.
- I'll rip 'em up.

Hold it, hold it,
hold it! Don't do that!

Don't never rip up
sweepstakes tickets there.

I'll hold these tickets for you.

As a matter of fact,

why don't
we buy these tickets
from him for the five there.

Yes, five. Keep it.

- Yeah. Yeah. Here, here.
- You take that.

- There you go.
- I'll take this.

I mean, after all, why not, huh?

Yeah, it's worth a gamble.

- Wait a minute.
- Just a minute.

Why are you doing
the same thing I am?

Why are you doing that?