What a mess.
This really looks terrible.
I hate it.
It's not so bad.
What's this supposed to be?
That's the Sea of Tranquility.
Here's a woman up in
Bridgeport, Connecticut.
She seen the ghost of Elvis
in her microwave oven.
Why won't you help me with this?
Elvis was singing
Heartbreak Hotel.
I always liked that song.
I'm talking about this.
Oh, honey, I don't even know
what you're making there.
I've been telling you all week.
It's my project
for the science fair.
This is supposed to be the moon.
And she even put in
the Sea of Tranquility,
where the astronauts landed.
Oh, that's lovely there.
Don't forget the footprint
and the American flag.
I'll have to work every night
to finish this by Friday.
What about the ballet
class tonight?
I'll just have to miss it.
Nobody misses ballet.
What we miss is Bojangles,
Bill Robinson,
and a little good tap dancing.
My father's having a fit trying
to get my project done in time.
Your father's doing
your work for you?
Oh, sure.
He's making a big model
of Mount St. Helens.
The volcano.
He was up all last night
painting the trees black.
It's great.
I sure wish I had someone like
Mr. Bloom to help me do mine.
I wish I had somebody
to get me another beer.
If I get you a beer,
will you help me do this?
No, honey!
You're supposed to do
the schoolwork yourself.
But my science teacher said
it's okay for the parents
to help us.
You know, to buy
the materials and stuff.
Everybody's parents is doing it.
Please, Uncle Archie?
No, honey, I ain't got the time.
Jeez, I gotta work every day
from dusk till dark.
And there's the bell.
- I'll get it.
- You see this? Huh?
I ain't even got
a moment to myself
for a little
serious reading there.
I'm opening the door.
Hi, Arch.
Oh, Bloom.
What do you want?
I came to pick up my daughter.
Oh, well, I guess that's okay.
Come on in.
I'll see you tomorrow, Stephie.
Good luck on the project.
Oh, is that your
science project?
Yeah.
It's not very good.
- What are you talking about?
- It's beautiful.
Yeah, it's not bad at all.
I guess Amy told you
all about hers, huh?
Yeah, she told me.
It's Mount St. Helens.
He tells me again.
I'm building a whole
working model of it.
Wait till you see what I got
for the eruption, Amy.
A water pump.
And for the lava,
raspberry syrup.
Ain't that a little
revolting, Bloom?
A mountain that throws up
all over the class?
It's pizzazz.
That's what's gonna catch
the judge's eyes.
We're guaranteed first prize.
Well, don't be too sure, there.
Stephie could win with her
little planet of the moon,
over there.
She even put in
the Sea of Sterility.
Don't that show
some scientific thought?
I'm sure it'll be fine.
You know, Amy's really
very good in science.
She's very
mechanically inclined.
- Honey, don't touch that.
- You'll break it.
Tell Mr. Bunker what you want
to do when you grow up.
- What was it again?
- You know.
I-I forgot.
Elec... Elec...
Elec...
Oh, yes, electronics.
- Isn't that wonderful?
- Electronics.
That's a career for a girl?
Plucking ugly hairs
out of people?
Funny, Arch, funny.
Now what does
Stephanie wanna be?
Married.
To a white guy with
some dough in the bank.
I hate it when you
say things like that.
Why?
Didn't Mrs. Canby go home yet?
Listen, kids,
we'd better get going
if we're gonna make
that ballet class.
I can't.
I have to do this.
Hey, Arch, maybe
it's none of my business,
but you ought to start
getting more involved
in Stephanie's education.
You're right, Bloom.
It ain't none of your business.
All I'm saying
is that the world is
more competitive these days.
A kid needs help.
That's why I'm helping Amy
with her project.
You don't have to whisper.
I ain't gonna snitch to
the teacher about it.
But I'll tell you this,
it would be no contest
if I was to help my kid
with her moon over there.
Yeah. Sure, Arch, sure.
Come on, Dad.
We'll miss ballet.
You gonna help your kid
with the ballet there,
Bloom?
You'd better run out
and buy yourself a tutu.
And use a little of that
electronics on your legs.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Your moon is a loser, huh, kid?
Yes.
Well, maybe we can
put the fix in.
What I mean is,
maybe we can
fix it up a little, huh?
- You mean it?
- You're gonna help me?
Well, why don't we
take a look at it
down at the bar,
you know, tomorrow,
after school,
when things are slow?
We can turn the whole
project over to Murray.
He's bound to know
all about science.
- Why?
- Well, he's Jewish.
I'm Jewish, too,
and I don't know zilch.
But that's because
you're only a girl.
Hey, man. What's with you, huh?
Why are you so sleepy?
Uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay.
Come on, who was she?
Quien?
No, no, not quien. "Who?"
Look, if you're gonna learn
to speak good English like me,
you got to practice, okay?
Now, who is the girl
you went out with
last night?
Oh, just a pollo.
You know, chicken!
No, no. A chick, okay?
You went out with a chick.
Okay, who was she?
What happened?
Nada.
No, come on, man.
You can tell me.
Hey, did you take her
up to your room, huh?
No, you got eight
people in your room.
I know, I got it.
You took her to
your Chevy, right?
Uh-huh.
I knew it! I knew it!
Well, come on,
did you get to first base, huh?
- Did you get to second base?
- Baseball?
No, no. Love, man, love.
Oh, come on!
Tell me, what happened?
I mean, who was she?
Was she good-looking?
Hermana?
My sister!
You went out with my sister?!
Hey, you two guys,
you wanna keep working?
Woman on TV:
Who's responsible?
Who's the father?
Man on TV:
Knowing your sister...
we could start
with the phonebook.
Oh, you're so callous, Lance.
Lance: I guess you get that way
when you're a doctor.
It's all those
life-and-death decisions.
But, Lance,
you're a dermatologist...
- Harry: New York.
- I'm telling you, Harry,
it was Chicago that won in '59.
- New York.
- I seen the game.
No, no, that was '58.
Chicago won it in '59.
Would you guys
please hold it down?
I'm trying to watch my soap.
That poor girl is about to have
an illegitimate baby again.
All right.
Let Barney decide.
Tell him, Barney.
Which one was it?
It was Roger, the golf pro.
Really?
Are you sure it wasn't Troy,
her psychiatrist?
No. Troy was
involved with Helen.
Until she discovered him
in the hot tub with Bob.
That was before his operation.
You remember,
Troy used to be
a girl named Madeline.
Yeah, right.
And her best friend
was the schizophrenic,
Ramona and Rebecca.
Right.
Hi there, everybody.-
Murray, the kid
wants to talk to you
about something, there.
Oh, yeah?
Hi, Steph. What's up?
- Hi, Murray.
- This is for you.
For me?
Well, now, aren't you sweet?
- Thank you.
- It's due tomorrow.
Is it supposed to hatch,
or what?
It's my science project.
Uncle Archie said you'd know
what to do to make it better.
- I do?
- Mmm-hmm.
I have to go to
a Girls' Club meeting.
- I'll see you later.
- Bye-bye!
- See you later, there, kid.
- Bye.
I see you still got
your eye on them
disturbed people there.
Would you please move?
Oh, God forbid I should
stand between you and tragedy.
Hey, Arch, what is this?
That's the Earth
traveling around the moon.
Any dope knows that.
The moon travels
around the Earth.
Any dope knows that.
So, make it do that.
Why don't you make it do that?
Because this is a special
school project the kid's doing.
Supposed to be done
by friends of the family.
Look, I don't know
anything about this.
Anybody got any ideas?
I ain't no
Mr. Wizard.
My high school science
project was watching
an apple turn brown.
Listen, I made
a great science project
when I was in high school.
Had to do with communications
and sound waves,
stuff like that.
Well, that's very good there,
Barney.
Right. You took a long
piece of string.
You put a paper cup at this end,
a paper cup at the other end.
Then the other kid
went way down the hall...
Oh, come on, cut it out,
will you?
- What the hell?
- You call that science?
Well, that's what they
called it in those days.
And if I remember correctly,
I won second prize with it.
- Come on.
- Will you think of something?
Shh!
Who won first prize?
Some kid named Howard Schnebbey.
The teacher's pet, of course.
- You know what he made?
- A lousy radio.
A common thing you can
pick up in any store.
Man on TV:
Your husband Carl,
he died last night.
Well, I never won
nothing in science.-
- I never had a chance.-
My father made me
take home economics
because my mother couldn't cook.
You hear this?
Another jewel from her chest
of pathetic memories.
Which brings me back
to that sad-looking
thing over there.
Jeez, the kid can't win
with that there thing.
I mean, there's other people
spending all kinds of dough
on pumps and what not.
She really needs help, huh?
Winning this competition
means everything in the world
to that poor,
nervous little child.
Well, I don't think
we should do this.
I mean, aren't kids supposed
to do it for themselves?
Murray, I'm telling you,
they're supposed to get
help with this.
- Well, let's help her.
- Barney: Yeah!
Please, Murray, huh?
All right, okay.
Now, if we were to
build a solar system,
we should start
with the nine planets.
- Hold it!
- Why stop with nine?
Hey, we could buy
some Styrofoam ba*ls.
Yeah, listen.
I could whip up a batch of
that papier-mâché stuff
in the Cuisinart.
- I'll get some paper.
- -She'll need something for craters.
- I'll get my drill.
- Archie: Good thinking, Barney.
I'll go down to the library
and get some books
on astronomy.
- Oh, that's swell, that's swell.
- -See you later, Arch.
Yeah, get it all together
for the kid there, huh, guys?
- Okay.
- She'll be so happy
when I tell her she's gonna win.
And I'll be so happy
to humiliate that Bloom.
Don't be looking!
People talk to themselves!
God!
I think I'm going to bend
my Mars a little more
towards Saturn here.
Hey, okay,
but don't touch my rings.
- They ain't dry yet.
- Don't worry.
This is gonna be beautiful!
Wait till Stephie sees it.
Hey, I got to admit it,
we did one hell of
a job here, didn't we?
- Yes, we got a winner here.
- Veronica: Sure did.
It sure made a bum out
of my paper cup telephone.
Hey, hey, here we are, here! -
Hey, Steph, come on over here.
- What do you think?
- -What do you think of that, huh?
- I think it's just...
- Just beautiful, right?
- Yeah, it's just that...
- Archie: Oh, jeez.
Listen, that's
a terrific thing there.
You got the whole
"polar" system there.
Wait till Bloom
gets a load of this.
I just didn't think
it was going to be like this.
Oh, Stephie, listen,
it was our pleasure.
- I made the rings.
- I made the craters.
Steph, this is going to win.
It'll get you right up
to the All-City Finals,
you'll see.
That's a good looking lamp.
Well, I feel kind of funny
about turning it in.
I mean, you guys
did the whole thing.
What are you talking about?
You thought of the Earth
and the moon.
That's enough for a girl.
Come on, we gotta get to school.
I'll carry it.
- All right!
- I'll hold it by two hands.-
Well, what am I supposed to do?
- The base.
- Hold it by the base there!
- Give me it, then, huh?
- Delicate!
Hey, how's it look
from over there, huh?
Oh, great. Open the door.
We're gonna win with this.
It's a sure.
Go right in, Stephanie.
You wanted to see me,
Ms. Wakefield?
- Oh, yes.
- Come on in, Stephanie.
Your teacher asked me
to talk to you.
Sit down.
I've just been admiring
your science project.
It's quite impressive.
It's okay, I guess.
Well, the concept
is imaginative.
The craftsmanship
is very professional.
The accuracy and the detail
of the craters.
It easily deserves an A,
or an A plus.
You didn't do it, did you?
I'm surprised at you, Stephanie.
You know what this means,
don't you?
An F?
And your project
is disqualified
from the competition.
I'm going to have
to talk to your uncle.
You can go back to class now.
You always carry around
a bowl of water, kid?
No.
This is my science project.
Did your fish die?
There was no fish.
Then what does that do?
It evaporates.
Shows where the water goes.
Maybe you should've made
a little model tail of that.
What do you mean?
You ain't gonna
get away with that.
I know.
It didn't work
last year, either.
Ah, Bloom, Bloom,
where you going?
What are you doing here?
Oh, Ms. Wakefield just
wanted to talk to me about,
you know, Amy's science project.
Hey, hey,
I get to talk to her, too.
I know.
I saw your project in there.
I was really impressed.
She's got it in there?
I have to admit,
you got me beat this time.
- Well, wait.
- Whoa, listen.
It takes a good man
to know when they lost.
And I know that you lost.
Mr. Bunker,
would you come in, please?
- Oh, certainly, certainly there, Ms.
- Whaddyacall...
- Wakefield.
- Wakefield.
Well, you got this
right here on your desk, huh?
- Yeah, you must like it.
- It's very impressive.
By far the best
project turned in.
Well, thank you, thank you.
Listen, as I always say,
the parents ought to get,
whaddyacall,
involved in the kids' work,
you know?
- May I?
- Oh, please.
- Yeah, thank you.
- Thank you, thank you.
Ms. Wakefield.
Still ain't married, huh?
Hope you noticed
all the detail in this here.
Yes, even the giant
red spot on Jupiter.
Oh, well, the kid done that.
I let her do a little,
you know, and she dropped
some paint there.
Yeah, well, Mr. Bunker...
It must have been pretty hard
to grade a thing like that.
You know, I mean, being so good,
and an A plus
is the highest grade.
- I'm sorry, Mr. Bunker.
- Stephanie got an F.
F?
She failed.
Failed?
- Yes, Mr...
- Failed?
But why?
I think you know why.
All parents help their children
on things of this kind, here.
- It happens all the time.
- Look at this.
Hey, listen,
take them astronauts
that made them visits to
all of these here planets there.
They wouldn't have
never done that
except for the parents that
helped them along the way.
Anytime a kid has got a project,
you got to help the kid.
You can't let a kid go off
and do a project on his own.
Or he brings back
a bowl of water.
He got a D.
At least he put the water
in the bowl himself.
That wasn't even a project.
Mr. Bunker, we're not trying
to build projects here.
We're trying to build minds.
Oh, come on.
All the parents do the work
for the kids and you know that.
Every one of them.
I don't think so.
Oh, listen,
I don't want to name names,
but I can give you
the initials of a guy
that just walked out of here...
Barry Bloom.
He also got an F,
and a bill for damages.
He got a bill for damages?
Yes. His volcano erupted syrup
all over the classroom.
Half the seventh graders
are still rinsing it
out of their hair.
I warned him about that.
The minute I seen that pump
and all of that,
I knew there was gonna be
some kind of a disaster there.
God, what kind of a man is that?
He takes a simple
little child's project, there,
and makes a three-mile island
out of it.
Well, I think he wasn't only
trying to help his daughter.
I think he was trying
to win a prize for himself.
I think you're right.
That's what he was doing.
God, what a selfish man.
Weren't you doing
the same thing?
No!
No, I wasn't trying to do that.
All I was trying to do
was what the kid...
I mean, she asked for some help.
I was just trying to get a few
things together for her and...
That's the bell!
I heard it.
Well, that means I can go.
I mean, can I go?
Would you like to take
your project with you?
Yeah, if you don't
want it no more.
Yeah, I'll take it with me.
Well, at least I didn't
get stuck with a bill
for damages, huh?
You're in for it, kid.
Larry.
Oh, hi.
I'm sorry.
- What are you sorry for?
- It ain't your fault.
It's your fault?
No, it ain't my fault.
It's the fault of
all them butt-in-skis
down at the bar there.
Well, that's what
she said in there.
I mean, they done all this
to win prizes for themselves.
Getting an F isn't
much of a prize, is it?
I wonder how they'll feel
when they find out.
They'll feel terrible,
if they got an ounce
of decency left in 'em.
You're not gonna say anything
to hurt their feelings, are you?
You know me better than that.
Hey, hey,
what did the teacher say?
What happened?
Wait a minute,
why'd you bring it back for?
I brung it back, Murray,
because it ain't no good.
- Why do you mean, no good?
- Weren't there enough planets?
Well, what do they expect
from a seventh grader?
- Wait a minute, Stephie, come here, honey.
- What happened?
I got an F.
An F? Why?
Because she didn't
do it herself.
Youse all moved in on her.
Youse muscled her out
of the whole thing.
You're the one who
asked us to help her.
Help, help, yes.
But youse all made it too good.
Didn't youse have brains enough
to louse it up a little bit
so as it looked
like a kid done it?
What's the sense
in arguing there?
One mistake in the whole thing.
A little red spot
you left on the side
of the planet "Juniper."
- Hold it! Please!
- Please hold it!
It really wasn't anybody's
fault but mine.
I should have done
the work myself.
Sorry you got an F, honey.
Yeah, we didn't mean
to louse you up, Steph.
It's okay.
But my teacher said
it deserves an A.
Oh, don't be telling them that.
- An A!
- She didn't say that.
- That's right.
- She said an A plus.
A plus! Hey, guys!
So what did she think
about my papier-mâché?
Did she like my craters?
She said they
were very accurate.
And she went on and on
about that.
Can't we let
the whole thing die?
Hey, hey, my rings, my rings.
What did she say about my rings?
She said the craftsmanship
was very professional.
Well, listen, Stephie,
that's very nice to know,
but we're really sorry
that you failed.
It's okay.
My teacher said I could make
it up by writing a term paper.
- Yeah?
- -I wrote a term paper once for science.
Me, too, I once wrote
about Madame Curie.
Hey, I got an old book
at home about Edison.
We could copy it
right out of that.
There you go!
- Hold it, all of you.
- Will you stop?
Stop what?
Everybody wants to help her.
That's all.
They ain't gonna make
the same mistake again.
Listen, I could help out
with the typing.
Yeah, yeah, let her type.
In fact, take all the help
you can get from her.
Then it will honestly look
like the work of a child.
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