02x18 - La Cage Aux Bunker

[bunniefuu]

We open up the store
an hour early to
meet the painter

and the painter don't show!

Look, I told you.
He's gonna be here.
Will you stay calm?

Let this be a lesson to you.

Never hire anybody you know
to do a job or work,

like a plumber, electrician
and particularly, a painter.

I said he'll be here.

He's going to be here.
Okay? What do you want?

That's what you said
yesterday morning.

We hung around waiting
and the guy calls up

and says his dog is
havin' a nervous breakdown.

So would you,
if you'd just been fixed.

Oh, God!

Never say a thing like that
in connection with me,
will you?

It sends the chillies
through and through me.

Listen, all we gotta do
is paint the johns and
the storeroom.

Can't we get Jose to do that?

Have you seen his car?

What's the matter with it?

Yellow dragons in a red sky.

Oh, holy cow.

No, we're gonna get
a real professional
job done.

Let me tell you something.
All painters is screwballs.

I remember a picture
I once seen about a painter.

He wasn't satisfied with
the room he'd just done,
so he cut his ear off.

That wasn't a house painter.

That was Van Gogh.

No, that was Kirk Douglas,
wasn't it?

Mornin', fellas.

- Oh, boy.
- Arch, get a load of this, will you?

What the hell's
the matter with you?

Oh, the wife
kept me up all night.

Archie: Oh, whoop-dee-doo.

Oh, nothing like that.

- She just turned 50.
- Cried all night.

Why can't women
control themselves?

I gotta go in the storeroom now
and lock away all our wines.

Why?

Because the painter's comin'.

Remember the last time
a painter come?

And he come with his brushes
and his buckets and a corkscrew.

Murray, you want
a cup of coffee?

No, thanks.

Oh, sorry, Mac,
we're still closed.

- Mr. Klein?
- Yeah.

Oh, Father.

- Rabbi Jacobs, right?
- Yes.

Temple Beth Isaiah, right?

Guilty.

Same here.
I guess that's part
of our heritage, right?

- Would you like a cup of coffee?
- -Yes, black, please.

Okay. Oh, well,
thank you, Harry.

You weren't gonna
drink it anyway,
were you?

You're right.
It might keep me awake.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

You bring Stephanie to
our Friday night services
sometimes, don't you?

Oh, you noticed me, huh?

- Oh, yes.
- You're the one who coughs while I'm speaking.

Oh, I always get a little
hoarse after responsive
readings.

Tell me, Rabbi, what are you
doing here, hmm?

I'm going around
asking people
in the neighborhood

to help us
with a very serious
problem we're having.

- Oh, well, what's the problem?
- Vandalism.

You mean that...
That incident in Manhattan?

Not just Manhattan.

Right here in Queens last week,
they defaced Temple Beth Emmet.

Three weeks ago
they painted swastikas
all over Rodfei Israel.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, there's worse.

I could tell you about
20 incidents in the
past year.

I didn't think things
were getting that bad.

I'm very frightened
about this, Mr. Klein.

Especially now.

Our synagogues are
getting some threats.

And we've got to do something.

It never ends, does it?

Join our committee.

You've gotta help us
tell the people
in the neighborhood

- what's going on.
- We've got to stop it.

Well, of course,
of course I'll do it.
You can count on me.

- Thank you.
- Is your partner around?

Yeah. He's here. Why?

He's the only non-Jewish
member of our congregation,

and I thought it would
be a wonderful idea

if we could get him
in our committee.

Good thought. Forget it.

Why? Stephanie's in our shul.

Murray, I think
we oughta start
this job ourselves...

Oh, you finally showed up.

- Oh, well, don't be drinkin' coffee.
- Get to work, huh?

Arch, listen...

Don't be entertaining
the painter.

They cost $35 an hour.

And, by the way,

I think it was a very mean
thing of you to mangle
your dog that way.

Even a dumb animal
oughta have his
chance at love.

Mr. Bunker...

Now, where's your buckets
and your brushes?

You call yourself a painter?

No, I call myself a rabbi.

Why do you call
yourself a rabbi?

Rabbi Jacobs.

Temple Beth Isaiah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I met you when I brung
the kid around there.

I didn't recognize you
without the "Yamaha."

And you're a painter, too.

- What're you doin', Rabbi?
- Moonlightin' there?

No. I didn't
come here to paint.
I came to make an appeal.

- Hold it.
- I sent my check in just the other day.

We got the check
last week, thank you.

I've come to talk to you
about something very serious.

Well, I guess I better
be sittin' down for
this one, huh?

God...

Harry, would you mind
bringing me over a cup
of coffee?

Comin' up.

Okay, Rabbi, let's have it.

Mr. Bunker,
you are a well-known

and well-respected
businessman in our community.

This is true.

And you're not Jewish.

This is very true.

Arch, there's some
anti-Semitic stuff
going on.

There's vandalism.

Oh, vandalism?

- Vandalism, Arch.
- Swastikas on the walls.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Somebody
was telling me about that.

- Oh, well, hey.
- That's just kid stuff.

You know what they...

Hey, the real anti-Jewishness,

that's a thing of the past.

You know something?

Me and the 463rd b*mb Group
over in Foggia, Italy,

we took care of
the last of them guys.

Well, unfortunately,
you missed a few.

Well, I mean, I know
a little prejudice is
still floatin' around,

you know, here and there.

But there's one thing
about the US of A.

If people are gonna
be persecuted,

they're gonna be
persecuted equal.

Will you listen, please?

You know that this is
a real problem?

Why are you building
this thing up, huh?

I don't see nothing
about it in the headlines.

And anyway, Rabbi,
you know, I ain't Jewish.

That's right.
That's why I need you
to join the committee.

You could give us more strength.

Oh, oh, now wait a minute.

I'm a little bit afraid
of committees, you know,

and meetings and all of that.

Hey, in America,

you never know who would be
seeing you comin' out
of a meetin'.

And anyway, all them
Jewish people over
in your temple,

they don't wanna see
a guy like me hangin' around.

Yes, they do.

You're only a young fella.

You don't know them
old Jews like I do.

You won't consider it?

Come on.

Will you help us out,
for God's sake?

Will you stop yelling at me?

Listen to this guy here.

A genuine Jew sittin' there
and sayin' nothin'. Get him.

I already joined.

- Oh, you joined.
- Murray: That's right.

Well, hey, you got
one of us there, huh?

- One out of two.
- That means you're battin' 500.

You'll be okay there, Rabbi.

I got a few things
I gotta take care of
in the storeroom.

So, if you'll excuse me, then.

- Hey, hey, hey!
- A thought just crossed my mind.

If you really need
protection over
at the temple,

I think I know where I can
get you a couple of young
Jewish guys,

you know, and they'll
come over with the...

Mr. Bunker, we're trying
to avoid violence.

- It was just a thought.
- You know, just a thought.

Listen, I'll see you
soon, huh? Rabbi?

In the meantime, as youse
people say, "Shaboom."

Well, if you're
sure you want him,

I'll go to work on him for you.

Thank you.

Okay.
Coffee's on me, Rabbi.

Okay. Our first meeting
is Friday morning.

- Yes.
- Services Friday night?

- No.
- No?

Yes! I mean yes.

- Thank you.
- All right, see you.

Hey, the paper says
Reagan is solvin' two
of the toughest problems.

The federal budget
and Frank Sinatra.

Why don't you read
a real newspaper
for a change?

This paper's plenty real.

You know, they got a mob of
reporters swarmin' all over
the earth like ants,

findin' out the
most interesting facts.

And here's one right here.
Look at this, hey?

Here's a kangaroo
down in Australia,

saved a little girl
just like you from drowning.

You believe that?

Well, there it is.

There's the kid all drippin' wet

makin' her statement
to the press,

from right out of the pouch
of the kangaroo.

- I'll get it.
- I'll get it.

You get it.

It's probably Uncle Murray.

- Who is it?
- Uncle Murray.

- Hi.
- Hello, sweetheart.

Are you ready to go to temple?

Yeah, I just have
to get on my coat.

I wanna get there early to
get a seat next to old
Mr. Vickers.

Amy Bloom says that
every time he davens,

his toupee falls off!

That's not funny.

It is when he says, "Oy."

- Hello, Mrs. Canby.
- Oh, hi, Mr. Klein.

Well, Arch.

Arch, we had our first
committee meeting
this morning.

Well, Murray, I don't
think we oughta talk
very much, you know.

I think I'm gettin'
an earache here, you know?

Well, let me tell you,
we're organizing a rally

and I'd like you to
reconsider your joining.

- Murray, I told you before.
- This thing don't concern me.

Yes, but it concerns Stephanie.

Will you let me take
care of the kid, huh?

What do you think
I'm asking you to do?

Look, all you have...
Come up to the next meeting,
see what we're talking about.

Murray, please, will you
please quit buggin' me
to go up there, huh?

My poor wife,
Lord rest her soul,
she was always after me.

She dragged me up
to one of them meetings
at the temple one time.

It made me feel
so strange, you know?

You don't know
what it is to be
a "minorority."

Don't you know what
the Rabbi was getting at?

He's saying that you,
as a Christian, could invite
other Christians in to join.

You would be setting
a good example.

I can't.

What are you two
arguing about now?

I want Archie to get
involved at the temple.

I'm telling him that
stirrin' up all this
ain't gonna do no good.

You know,
if you blow up a fire,
it'll never die out.

Like bigotry,
you forget about it,
it'll go away.

That's ridiculous.

Huh?

Bigotry doesn't go away.
You gotta fight it.

Oh, what do you know about it?

Please, will the two of youse
give me a little peace?

I got a half an hour
before I gotta go to work.

- I'm ready.
- Okay, let's go.

Get over here and
give me a kiss good-bye!

Good-bye.

Bye, Mrs. Canby.

- Murray: Bye, Mrs. Canby.
- Bye, Stephie. Bye.

Arch, I want you to think
about it. You hear me?
Think about it.

I got better things to do
with my mind than think.

Oh, now, don't be
givin' me them looks.

If you wanna do something,
get me a beer.

I told you yesterday,
I'm not buying any more.

h*, h*, h*.

And how come we
made that decision?

Just look at your belly.

I'm tellin' you,
Mr. Van Ranseleer,
it's really depressin'.

I wind up spendin' 50 bucks
for only two bags
of groceries.

Oh, don't be always
crabbin' about prices
there, will you, Harry?

Listen, Mr. Reagan's
runnin' a businessman's
government there,

and everybody knows
that businessmen
wanna bring prices down.

You think so?

Look what's happened
to the price of gas
since he took office.

Well, that's a different
thing, there, Mr. Van R.,
you know?

It's a well-known fact
that the price of gas

has always been around
a dollar and a half a gallon

and the oil companies
have been givin' us
a discount all along.

Where'd you hear that?

I got that in a personal letter

sent to me by the head
of one of your biggest
oil companies.

It came to me in the mail,
inside of a bill.

Personal letter?

Them letters are
written by a machine.

Do you know a classier way
to write a personal letter?

Arch, you're a man of faith.

Yes, faith. I am.

And faith is what this
country needs nowadays,

not questions, questions,
questions, all the time.

I'm tellin' you, everything's
gonna be all right.

- Hiya, fellas.
- Archie: Hiya, Barney.

- Harry: Hi, Barney.
- Archie: What's new?

Oh, there's a lot
of excitement down
there at the temple.

At the temple?
What's goin' on?

I don't know.
There's fire trucks,
cops' cars all over the place.

Murray and the kid
are at the temple.

I better get over there
right away.

Hey, Barn, did it look bad?

It didn't look good.

Rabbi, we've seen a lot of this,

setting fires in trash cans.

At least no one was hurt.

Well, this time we've got
a good chance of catching
these guys.

A lady got their license number.

In the meantime, there are
some security measures
you can take around here.

Here you go, Steph.

There you go.

Why do people do this?

Why?

Well...

Stephanie, we've been
trying to find the answer
to that for 5,000 years.

We haven't found the answer yet.

Is it ever gonna stop?

Sure.

They'll stop
when we all go away.

When we disappear
from the face of the earth.

I'm not gonna do that.

Neither am I.

- Archie: Let me in, let me in.
- Wait a minute.

Yes! I am a member
of the temple!
Don't I look it?

Are you hurt?

- It's all right, Arch.
She's all right.
-I'm fine.

Jeez!

What the hell happened here?

Well, you see what happened.

Now are you gonna
do anything about it?

- This is a very serious thing.
- I'm gonna take some action.

I'm glad, Mr. Bunker.

I'm gonna take my kid
right out of the temple.

No, Uncle Archie!

Yes! Yes! You was lucky
this time, you might not
be so lucky the next time.

But I'm not afraid of anything.

Well, that's because
you're too young
and dumb to be scared.

I'll be scared for you.
Come on now.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute, now.

You can't do this.

Will you let me
take care of my kid?

- Just a second now.
- Stephanie needs to be here.

Murray, will you mind
your own damn business?

- Come on, kid, we're getting out of here.
- -Wait a minute.

- What are you doing?
- Case closed.

We're gettin' out of here,
and we ain't comin' back.

But Uncle Archie,
I have to go to temple.

You don't have to.
You know what I mean?
You can pray anyplace.

God is everywhere.
You know that.

I mean, He's in the temple
and He's in the houses

and He's in the street and He's
with us all the time, honey.

- With us all the time.
- He sees what I'm doing and He agrees with me.

Archie: Oh, God!

- Harry: My move, huh?
- Barney: Your move.

There.

It's a game of intellect.

Oh, so how come you win?

Better keep your eyes
on him, Harry.

Murray: I'm going
for the night, Harry.

Hey, did you tell Arch?

He said he was leaving
himself soon.

You tell him.

Is he still mad?

I haven't heard a polite
conversation around here
in three days.

Hey, Murray,
that painter you hired,

you know, he painted shut
the windows in both of
the johns there

and that means no air
and you know what that means.

- Where you goin'?
- Out.

- Wait a minute.
- You're supposed to close the joint tonight.

I got something important to do.

What's more important
than business?

I have a meeting at the temple.

Oh, oh.
Yeah, well, all right.
You can go to that, yeah.

Thanks a lot.

What is with him, huh? -

When the hell
is he gonna take me
out of the deep freeze?

Oh, don't worry, Arch,
you made the right decision.

That temple's too
dangerous to be around.

Will you tell him that?

I mean, you know, Barney,
I'm just trying to
protect my kid.

I agree with you completely.

Look, I had to take Rusty
out of obedience school.

Those nasty Dobermans
kept pushin' him around,

stealin' his rubber bone.

How can you compare
what happened at the temple
to your dog?

It's the same thing exactly.

The Dobermans didn't like
Rusty because he wasn't
a Doberman.

Right, Arch?

You're a dope, Barney.

Nevertheless.

Have you decided what to do
about Stephie's Hebrew school?

Yeah, I'm gonna do
the only thing I can do.

Get a Hebrew teacher to
come over to the house, there.

I'll call up Rabinowitz
and Rabinowitz and Rabinowitz

and sons and in-laws
and all of them.

But they're lawyers.

I know that.

But, jeez, with
a family that big,

if they didn't have a rabbi
in there, it would be a sin.

Good thinking.

Hey, maybe I could help.

I saw Fiddler on the Roof
three times.

Gee, that might set the mood.

Sure.

Oh, I gotta go home
and take Rusty out.

Stay with him for a change, huh?

- Barney: That won't make any difference.
- Rusty was born free.

That's kinda nice,
Mr. Van R., ain't it?
You know?

Your old pals,
they see you in a jam there

and they come up with
something appropriated?

Well, what do you say,
what do you say, huh?
One for the road, hey?

All right, thanks, Arch.

Oh, thanks.

We've known each other
a long time, haven't we?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, a lot of boozers
went under the hill, you know?

And I thought
I knew you pretty well,

but I never thought
you were this stupid.

Mr. Van R., you and me's
supposed to be pals.

Why are you callin' me stupid?

- But you are.
- You're stupid.

You fell right into their trap.

What trap?

Those bums that
vandalized the temple.

You did just what they wanted.

I don't know what
you're talkin' about.

You left the temple.

If everyone stays away,
the temple would be closed.

Oh, well,
don't worry about that.

Everybody ain't gonna do that.

If they were like you,
they would.

Oh, come on, will you?
You know what it's all about.

I'm just tryin' to
protect my little girl.

What you're doing is
showing Stephanie
that it's better

to run away
from a problem
than to face it.

Yeah, but look,
Mr. Van R.,

between you and me,
it ain't our problem.

The First Amendment
is everyone's problem.

The First Amendment?
We ain't got that no more.

It's forgotten, but not gone.

What if these bums see that they
can close down the temples?

Next they'll go
after the churches.

And after that,
maybe they'll go after
some schools they don't like

and the newspapers.

Oh, come on, come on,
you're exaggerating
the thing, ain't you?

There's a saying.

"They came for the black people.
I wasn't black, so I didn't
speak up.

- They came for the Jews.
- I wasn't Jewish, so I didn't speak up.

- They came for the Catholics.
- I wasn't Catholic, so I didn't speak up.

Then they came for me.

And there was nobody left
to speak up."

Good night, Arch.

Mighty and reverent
and exalted God,

thou bestow with loving kindness

and possessest
all things. Amen.

All: Amen.

I want to thank you
for coming tonight.

We all know how
important this is.

- Before we start, a few words from our President, Mr.
- Myer.

Thank you, Rabbi.

I want you all to know
that I have been working

on our new security
measures for the last
three days and nights.

We've increased
our outside lighting,

we have hired security guards,

and a new alarm system
will be installed.

We do not expect a thing
of this kind to happen again.

- Please, God.
- All: Please, God.

- Mr.
- Klein, did you want to say something?

Yes, I do.

I just want to say that
protecting ourselves
is just not enough.

We have to make sure that
this does not happen
again to anyone.

Now, we have to get
to other churches,
other temples,

the community leaders
to become involved now.

- Rabbi Jacobs: I agree.
- Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Klein.
What we need are volunteers
to canvass the neighborhood

and let everyone know
what's going on.

If you would call out
your names and tell me what
days you're available, please.

- Phil Kirshbaum, Tuesdays.
- Rabbi Jacobs: Phil.

Murray Klein, Wednesdays.

Doreen Kostell, Fridays.

Bruce Gans, Tuesdays.

Rabbi Jacobs:
Dr. Gans, Tuesdays.

If you got Thursday open there,
you can put Archie Bunker.

Archie Bunker. Thursdays.

Don't make a big
thing of it there.

Oh, hey, Schwartz.
Yeah, how are you? Jeez,
somebody told me you was...

Good to see you.

Mr. Myer,
our president.

Mr. Bunker.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Home furnishings.

No. Fine furs.

That's it.

Rabbi Jacobs:
The response is
very encouraging.

Now, the best time to canvass
is in the evenings when
people are at home...