03x06 - Three's a Crowd

[bunniefuu]

- Hold it. Hold it.
- Hold it there.

You still got
that thing crooked!

Veronica, why don't you
wear glasses?

- Why don't you lose weight?
- -I'm a boss.

Gee, Harry's been here
for 10 years.

I can't imagine
working in the same place
for 10 years.

Oh, kid, listen,
10 years, that's like
a flash in the bucket.

Yeah, some of the pretzels
have been around here
longer than that.

You know, I'm getting tired
of looking at this here.

Harry should be back soon.

I mean, shouldn't
somebody be outside
standing lookout?

Oh, I'll do it.

Thank you, Mr. Van R,
but, you know, I mean,
after all you can't be lookout.

I'm good with footsteps.

Well, that's true,
but still you're a customer,
you know?

- We got a menial here to do that.
- Jose, huh?

Sure, boss.

- Hey, Arch. Give me a beer.
- Oh, yeah, Manny, comin' up.

- Same for me.
-Yeah, okay, Sid.
Same for you.

It looks like you're planning
quite a bash for old Harry.

Yeah? Well, the guy deserves
it after all he has to put up
with around here.

Don't be making cracks
at customers, huh?

I was making cracks
at you, sweetheart.-

- That's what I like about you, Archie.
- You got such class.

- Hi there, Alice.
How are you doing?
-Hi, how are you?

- Hi, Veronica.
- Hi, Alice.

I don't think
you've met my little niece,
standing on the ladder there,

- Barbara Lee.
- Billie.

Whatever.

This is Harry's wife,
Alice Snowball.

- Snowden.
- Den, den, yeah.

That's good!
Ten years and you got
half his name right.

Our conversation
goes all off the rails
now and then.

You know, she's standing
over the steam tables
so much

that her brains
is a little poached.

Listen, how did you
get rid of Harry?

- Oh, that was easy.
- Sent him over to New Jersey to buy more of these snack baskets.

You sent him
all the way to Jersey?

Well, yeah, we had to
get rid of him for a while.

Besides,
these are way cheaper
over there.

They got this beautiful farm
outside of Tenafly, see,

where these things are weaven
by all the wealthy nutsos.

- Do you think Harry suspects anything?
- -I'd know.

We've been married 27 years,
we tell each other everything.

- Oh, yeah.
- -Alice, come here, I wanna show you the cake.

Jose made it
in the shape of
a bar towel.

Oh, here he comes,
the Engerboy Pumpernik
of Hauser Street.

What're you doing
with a dirty shirt?

- That is a status symbol.
- It shows I had a front row seat at McFeeney's.

McFeeney's?
Did you hear that?

This mug went over
to McFeeney's.

- Uh-oh.
It's topless.
-Harry told me.

They're featuring
mud wrestling there.

- Oh, God!
- You telling me them nude waitresses is wrestling around in mud?

No, they're not nude.
They wear panties and pasties.

Panties and pasties.

Why do they do that? Why?

- To see who wins, I guess.
- The winner gets earrings.

I was told.

- I better wash this off.
- Yeah, get outta here, huh?

And don't get none of that
over the sanitary
respecticules in there.

You don't know
where that mud's been.

Oh, God!
The forces of modern life
is pulling me under.

Well, at least
no one's suing you
this week.

Oh, look at young Rabinowitz.

We don't need a lawyer here.
What're you doing here?

Well, we drew straws
at the office, I lost.

- What do you want?
- -My Uncle Abe says you got a problem.

- A problem?
- Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, well,
all right, the office,
that's for problems.

All right, all right.
Come on, what's the problem?

Well, it's Murray Klein.

Did he die?

No, no. He wants to sell
his half of the bar.

You're gonna
have to find a new partner.

Oh, well, I knew
that was coming
sooner or later,

but I was thinking
to myself lately,

maybe I should be that partner.

- Mr.
- Bunker, you can't buy out Murray Klein.

What's to stop me?

You just don't have
the liquidity.

- Who needs liquidity?
- I got cash.

Your accountant says
you haven't got either.

Well, ain't you genuises
never heard of loans?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
that's a possibility.

At any rate, you've got
one month to get this
resolved somehow

or we're going to put
Klein's share up
on the open market.

What are you telling me?
You wanna sell that share
to any jerk that comes along?

No.

Just any jerk with the money.

I'll get the money.

Then that could be you.

Veronica:
Listen everybody, hold it!
Hold it, just a second.

When Harry comes in here,
everybody yell, "Surprise!"

Or whatever,
depending on how well
you like him.

Hey, Arch, come on,
what's with you?

Come on, get in the spirit.

- Does that mean Harry's here?
- Well, it's either
Harry or immigration.

- Harry: Don't ever send me over there again.
- Will you?

Why do we need
all these baskets
for anyh...

Surprise!

Yeah.

Surprise.

- Well,
here you are, Mr. Van R.
- Oh, thanks. Thanks, Arch.

- Something bothering you?
- Who, me? No, nothin' at all.

- Ah, come on.
- You can't pull the wool over my ears.

Well, to tell you the truth,

Murray Klein wants to sell
his half of the business,
you know,

so I gotta find
another partner fast.

Well, you knew
that was coming, didn't you?

Yeah, but I can't rush.

You know, because
a partnership
is like a marriage.

You really gotta
like the person
to push 'em around.

I wanna propose a toast!

To the best bartender
in New York City.

- To the finest saloon keeper
in the state.
- Yeah!

And to the friendliest
son-of-a-g*n
in the whole US of A.

But since none of them
are here, here's to Harry!

Maybe the answer
to your problem is
right here.

Where?

Harry.

Oh, Harry's over there,
Mr. Van R.

Wherever.

Look, business is good.

Maybe he'd like to reinvest.

After all,
he always seems happy here.

Yeah, well,
to tell you the truth,

I was thinking about that
myself, you know, but...

But then again,
I was afraid
he'd turn me down.

You'll never find
a better partner.

I should ask him, huh?

You'll never find him
in a better mood.

I'll ask him.

So Harry gives him his change,

pours his drink on his head
and says, "My regards
to your wife!"

You remember that, huh?

Hey, you're
in a better mood here,
huh?

Terrific, Arch, terrific.

- Hey, hey, pull up a chair!
- Yeah, that's what
I was gonna do.

You know, I'm really touched
with what you've done
for me here.

Oh, think nothing of it!

Hey, you ain't just a bartender.

You're an old
and very close friend.

You're more like a partner.

If there's ever anything
I can do for you,

all you gotta do is ask.

Well, there is one little thing.

- Name it.
- Come up with $30,000.

- $30,000?
- What for?

To buy back Murray's share
of the business here.

Gee, Arch, I...

I ain't got the money.

What did you do
with the money that
you got from Murray?

- I invested it.
- It's all tied up.

Oh, well, jeez, untie it.
This here is the best
investment you can get.

I can't talk about it now.

Why?

Because you won't like it.

What do you mean,
I won't like it?
Come on, between friends.

And I don't want... to know.

Who, Alice? -

I won't tell Alice nothing.

You'll only get mad.

- Mad with you?
- No.

You promise?

Harry, you got my word of honor.

All right.

I invested it in McFeeney's.

- McFeeney's?
- McFeeney's?

You invested your money
and Alice's money,
you hear me, Alice,

in McFeeney's
topless mud hole
for preverts?

Harry!

Now see what you done!

What do you mean,
what I done?
What you done here.

You invested all your money
in Simon and Gomorrah here.

And an even more
"heinious" crime than that,

you bank-rolled my competition!

- Come on, this is a party.
- We're all supposed to have some fun.

Hey, I'll tell you,
let's make a toast.

A toast? A toast to this guy?
To hell with a toast!

To who? Huh? Harry?
A regular Benedict Fink
here.

I don't need that money
that you ain't got.

- I'll tell you the truth.
- I don't need you neither.

You're fired.

Alice, you're married
to an unemployed man here.
He's fired.

Har...

Did Harry leave?

Wh

Why

Why do

Why does

Why does e

Why does eve

Why does every

Why does everybo

Why does everybody

Why does everybody ha

Why does everybody have

Why does everybody have t

Why does everybody have to

Why does everybody have to be

Why does everybody have to be s

Why does everybody have to be so

Why does everybody
have to be so th

Why does everybody
have to be so thir

Why does everybody
have to be so thirst

Why does everybody
have to be so thirsty

Why does everybody
have to be so thirsty
an

Why does everybody
have to be so thirsty
and

Why does everybody
have to be so thirsty
and hu

Why does everybody
have to be so thirsty
and hung

Why does everybody
have to be so thirsty
and hungry

Why does everybody
have to be so thirsty
and hungry t

Why does everybody
have to be so thirsty
and hungry ton

Why does everybody
have to be so thirsty
and hungry tonig

Why does everybody
have to be so thirsty
and hungry tonight

Why does everybody
have to be so thirsty
and hungry tonight?

See, they're k*lling you
out there.

- Yes, that's right.
- And I'm gonna k*ll Harry for deserting me like this.

It's your own fault.
You fired him.

Does it help me to hear that?

In front of his wife.

- Listen...
- And his friends.

- Hey...
- After 10 years.

He didn't even
get to eat my cake.

I've been
waiting 20 minutes
for a Tequila Sunrise on two,

and three beers on six.

Don't tell us
about no Sunrises.
Tell the bartender.

I have. Twice.

Oh, well, all right.
Come on, serve this, huh?

So, when is
the bartender coming?

- Monday.
- The union is sending one over on Monday.

- And until then...
- Until then, it's gonna be
amateur night behind the bar.

- Have a heart, will you?
- Mixing drinks, anybody can make mistakes.

Yeah. But he drinks his.

- Turkey.
- What?

- On table four.
- Don't be smart!

Don't forget the sugar.

I ordered bourbon and seven.

This is gin and ginger ale.

It is?

That's what it is, all right.

And how about that beer
I ordered 10 minutes ago?

Hey, just keep your shirt on
for a minute, pal, huh?

Hey, Arch, how's tricks?

Barney, where's the Sunrise?

In the East?

Barney, you're drunk!

We all know that.

However, I am still
a most competent bartender.

How about that?
Manny, old pal, here you go.

Barney, an olive
don't change a drink.

And besides, I hate olives.

No problem.

Hey, I'll fish that right out.

Arch, I'm walking.

See you soon, Manny.

- Barney?
- It was a bad olive.

Barney, did you notice
what you just done here?

You put your whole paw
into a customer's glass.

- Oh, that's okay.
- You see, Arch,

alcohol paralyzes all germs.

I guess that's why
you're going to live
forever, Barney.

What about you, Sid?
You walking too, huh?

I have remained
just long enough to tell you

that if I was you,
I'd get Harry back,
and fast.

You ain't me, Sid.

Harry is fired,
he's finished here.

- He even burnt his apron.
- Shut up!

- Come on, Arch.
- Everybody misses Harry.

It was so sad
when you burned
his apron.

Will you shut up?

Jeez, I hate
to interrupt this here,

but did you fix the munchies
for the happy hour?

Yeah. They're all fixed.

Now all we need
is some happy people
around here.

The clicking
of those cards
is agony.

How's your coffee
doing there, Mr. Van R?

- Oh, trifle weak, Arch.
- Okay, kid.

Thanks, Arch.

I understand that some
of your regulars have followed
Harry over to McFeeney's.

Oh, no, no, maybe what
you'd call irregulars.

No, but not the regulars.
Why, look at you.

Can you see
yourself patronizing
McFeeney's Topless?

No. I'd get arrested
feeling my way to the bar.

You know what I mean, you know?

Why would decent people

leave here to go over
to a joint like that?

Sleazy, with all them
nude dames wrestling
in the mud.

Van:
Totally nude?

Well, no,
they've got panties
and pasties,

but you know them
has got to come off
in the mud, huh?

So, no one's gonna walk away
from a family place like that
to go over there.

But the thing
that bothers me most of all
about that house of sin

is it's directly outside
this door and right behind us
around the corner.

Listen, Archie.

When you think
about Harry, you know,

and all the memories

and all the years
and your friendship,

don't it make you wanna go
over there and put your arm
around his shoulder and say,

"Come on back, Harry."

No. It makes me
want to hurt him somehow.

- You don't mean that.
- You're just being stubborn.

I mean it.

The guy's a traitor.
You hear what I say?
A traitor.

What do you expect me to do?
Go over to him there, crawling
on my hands and knees?

No. Don't go down
on your hands and knees
until you're in front of him.

You want me to take my ice
off of your head?

No!

I'm from the building
department there, madam.

I'm just checking for woodworms.

Good evening,
what can I do for you?

I wanna see
a friend of mine
working in there.

If you wanna see her in there,
it'll be three bucks,
cover charge.

Jeez.

Cover charge, huh?

Youse ought to call it
an uncover charge, huh?

Thank you.

- What's the matter?
- You never seen zombies before?

Anything you got, I seen before.

Or something reasonably close.

- Excuse me, huh?
- Yeah, yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Oh, jeez.

Hey, Arch, I thought you said
you'd only be caught dead
in a place like this.

So, I'm alive, ain't I?

Well, hello, Arch.

Hi, Harry.

What brings you by?

Well, I just thought
I'd take a breather.

You know how busy
we get over there
this time of night.

- Business is booming, huh?
- Oh, yeah.

I'm glad, I'm glad.
Hey, you want a beer?

Yeah, give me a beer. Sure.

Hey, the next match
is in an hour.

They're getting some new mud.

- I've been meaning
to drop by...
- I wanted to talk to you...

Go ahead, Arch.

No.
You started first, Harry.

About my investing
in this place,

the way I figured it
is it would be okay.

I mean, two bars,
two types of clientele.

And my accountant said
it would be a good deal.

Oh. So it was
your accountant's fault
that got you in here.

Right. Just so
there's no hard feelings.

- No, there's no hard feelings, Harry.
- -Oh, good.

So, listen,
could you come back
tonight?

I'm not coming back, Arch.

You ain't coming back?

I like it here.

Besides, I make twice the tips.

You talk to me about tips

after all these years
we've been friends
and lodge brothers there,

and working together
and helping each other.

Remember the time
the big beer barrel fell
and crushed your foot?

Huh? Who was there to take you
to emergency hospital?

You were, Arch.

Damn right, I was.

You were the one
who dropped it on me.

Ain't that
a little bit
irrevelant, huh?

I mean, them is the things
that binds people together.

I appreciate
the nice words, Arch,

but the past is past.

And I made up my mind.

Now look,
I gotta get back
to my customers.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute, Harry.

What are you telling me?
That this is final?

I'm sorry, Arch.

See you around, Harry Snowden.

- I'll see you, Arch.
- So long, Arch.

Pardon me madam, pardon me.

And youse guys,

if your little mothers
could only see youse here.

He's worried
about losing customers.

Yeah, Arch don't fool me.

When you been
with someone long enough,

you can see right through them.

What'll it be, ma'am?

How about
a marriage
on the rocks?

Alice, what're you doing here?

I just wanted to see
where you sank all our money.

Very revealing.

Alice, it's a good investment.

Well, then why didn't you
at least have the decency
to talk to me about it?

I wanted to surprise you.

Well, you certainly
surprised me, all right.

Harry, 27 years,
I never kept
anything from you.

All right, I'm sorry.
For making a good investment.

Oh, an investment, my eye!

You just wanted to be here
and look at all those
naked girls, huh?

Now, admit it,
you really like it here,
don't you?

There's nothing wrong
with what's happening here.

- Oh, there's nothing wrong.
- No.

Well, then, in that case...

- Alice, stop.
- Why should I?

- Are you crazy?
- -Well, this is what men like, isn't it?

- Yeah.
- Back, back!

Alice, this is just a business.

Well, it's a business
that I want you out of!

You and our money!

I know what I'm doing,
now let's talk
about this at home.

Oh, no, no, no.
I don't think so, Harry.

You're not coming home.

Alice? Alice!

So, what are you
going to do about finding
your brilliant new partner?

Don't rush me, huh?

It takes a little time
to pick out
the right Jewish guy.

First of all,
you gotta get
a new bartender,

and don't let the union
go shoving some boozer on you.

Hey, hey, I'm a boss.

I know how
to go about
hiring bartenders.

I got the three questions
written down here.

What three questions?

- One.
- "Have you ever been fired from a job?"

Good question.

- Two.
- "Have you ever been arrested?"

Very good.

- Three.
- "Did you ever vote for a Democrat?"

Who do you want
behind the bar?
Alexander Haig?

- Hey.
- Don't be making snotty remarks about a man like that.

Who handles the English
language so beautiful,

and is sometimes the president.

- Harry!
- Hi, Veronica.

- Hi, Billie.
- Hi!

- Harry?
- Hi, Arch.

Well, what're you
doing around here?

Well, I got to thinking.

The way I figure,

I put some money in McFeeney's,

but I put more of my life
right here.

So, if your offer still stands,

- I'd like to be your bartender again.
- What do you say?

Well, Harry, you know...

- Yeah!
- Yes!

Arch?

Well, Harry, if they all want
youse back, well, okay.

- I better go get my apron.
- -Yeah, yeah, go get your apron, huh?

You must have told him
some story to get him back.

I didn't tell him no story.

I went over there
to McFeeney's, I says,
"Harry, get back."

Well, I think
it's wonderful, anyway.
And I'm very proud of you.

You're a smarter guy
than I give you
credit for, Arch.

Live and learn, Veronica.

Hey, what happened to my apron?

Oh, jeez.

Moths, Harry.

Gigantic moths come in
and ate that.

But don't worry about nothing,
I'll buy you a new apron.

Jeez, let me tell you something.

You're so lucky
to be working back here.

Imagine working in a dump
like McFeeney's Topless there.

You couldn't ever live
with yourself no more.

No.

Or with anybody else either.

Why is everybody sitting down?