03x11 - The Photo Contest

[bunniefuu]

The first most
important thing I wanted
to tell you was that

Amy said that Thursday
would be a good day
to have it,

and I said,
"No, Amy, remember we go
ice skating on Thursday."

So then Chris suggested,
"Why don't we have it
on Wednesday?"

And I said, "Wednesday is
perfectly fine with me."

But Heather says no,
she goes to the orthodontist
on Wednesday,

so we all decided
we can have the Photo Club
meeting on Monday, okay?

And I said,
"My Uncle Archie would be

more than glad
to help us out."

What?

I figured
that would get
your attention.

But you don't have to
do anything anyway,
so why not?

- Hold it, hold it.
- How much is this gonna cost me?

It's free. It's part of
the Astoria Girls Club.

And I ain't gotta
do nothing. Sure?

I'm positive.

- Well, okay.
- If I don't have to do nothing

then I guess it can't hurt me.

Thanks. Now can we go
get my new camera?

- Hold it.
- I thought you said it wasn't gonna cost me nothing.

The club won't.
The camera will.

Aw, gee.

You know something,
you got such a talent
for bugging people,

you oughta go
around door to door
selling religions.

But I need a new camera.

- Please. Please. Please.
- No. No. Now, wait.

- Wait a minute.
- Let me tell you something.

We already got
a perfectly good camera
here in the house.

We do?

Yes, yes.

It's over there
in the buffet,
someplace there.

It used to belong
to your Aunt Edith.

She used to drag it
around to all the
family get-togethers.

She used to cut off
all the relations'
heads with it.

- Yeah, that's it, that's it, huh?
- Ain't that nice?

I don't know.
My counselor Diane says
it has to be a 35 millimeter.

What does she know about a 35?

- This is a 620.
- Ain't that better?

Hey, this is your all-time,
all-American camera.

But it's so old.

- But listen, old is good there, honey.
- Come on.

This here, camera,

- is one of the finest that Mr.
- Buster Brownie ever made.

It's terrific, see?

You look in the
little window there,
and you take your shot.

Hmm. Press the button here.

When you got your pictures took,

then you wind this back up here,

you look in here
for the next shot...

Does it do that
every time you
take a picture?

- No.
- It only done that because there ain't no film in it.

Understand?

You need a roll of
film in there to hold
everything together.

So...

Just go and buy
yourself a roll of film
and then work on that.

I need a new camera.

Well, now, if you're gonna
demand a new camera,

I'll tell you
what you're gonna
have to do.

You're gonna have to
save up all your
allowances and buy one.

I need it
before I graduate
high school.

Don't be smart.

Now all of them imported
foreign cameras is
very, very dear.

It's the Japs,
still getting
back at us.

Hey, but I'm not even
asking for a new camera.

Look, I'm asking for a used one.

See, they're having
a sale at Powell's.

- All right.
- Let me look at the sale, let me look at the sale.

See what they got here.

- Thirty five...
- Oh, come on, look at all the junk that's on this thing here.

F 1.4.

Single lenses reflexes here,

electro-sync macro...

- My God.
- You'd have to go to college to learn how to work that.

Can we get it?

I'll tell you what we do.

If you can find
some scotch tape
in the house, see.

If we can
put that old one
together over there.

If we can get
a nice little trade
in for this one.

I'm saying if, if, if.

I ain't promising nothing.

In fact, I can almost
guarantee you no.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Uh... Don't turn on
the light, Ma, huh?

I'll get up
and look for
work tomorrow.

- You don't do that, honey.
- You're blinding me.

I'm trying to do
my reading here.

- I'm sorry.
- I was just testing out my new camera.

It's really neat.

Instead of
fooling around
with them toys,

you oughta be doing
some important reading

like the Reader's Digest her.

That's boring.

Well, let me tell you something.

Everything that's
highly intellectual is
a little boring, you know?

Do you know
what they do in
this magazine here?

What?

They take a whole book there,

they boil it down
to 12 or 15 pages
for you.

And you like that?

Well, sure, that way
I can read a whole book
in a week or two.

- Say cheese!
- No!

Now don't do that
no more, please.

I've gotta practice.

Well, go practice outside, huh?

Takin' pictures
of the flowers and
the trees, please.

Okay.

Before you go,
get me a beer, huh?

I might as well
be talking to
the four walls.

There she goes, out the door.

Deserted on a desert island

for all the help
I get around here.

What does she got?
Nothin' but fruit juice
and diet soda...

Mrs. Canby
left me without beer
for the whole weekend?

What did you just
take a picture of?

The trees
and the flowers
were boring.

Well, they're certainly
more beautiful than
my rear end.

And little girls
are supposed to
love trees and flowers.

Why?

Well, because,
A, they always loved
them things in the past.

And because, two,

you'll be able to go
all googly some day,

when some jerk
starts sending
them to you.

Some trees?

- Don't be smart, huh?
- Don't be always with the smart answers.

Do I get on your nerves?

Yes, you do get on my nerves.

Then how can you love me?

Because them's that you love,

Lord knows why,
them's are the ones
that get on your nerves.

Have a beer.

Uh-oh. The bag lady.

Hi, lover boy, how're you doing?

Just a minute.

Did you ever get me
the hubcap for that
'57 Plymouth?

No.

Then obviously
our love was
never meant to be.

- I don't need a romance.
- Just buy me a drink.

Ah! Look at
Betty the Bag Lady.

Better get lost, Betty,
or I'll call the police.

Aw, can't you
spare a sandwich
for a little old lady?

I haven't had
a bite in two days.

- Get out of here.
- I gave you a hamburger yesterday.

Huh! You call
that eating?

Oh, well, excuse you me.

Hey, you better
check in at McFeeney's if
you don't like our coozine.

Okay.

- Hey, hey, hey!
- Hey, gimme back my pretzels there.

- I need them.
- McFeeney's only gives me beer.

Gimme a break.
At least
leave the basket.

- So long, Betty.
- So long.

- Hi, Betty.
- Hi, kid.

Hey! Hi, Stephie.

- Hi, everyone.
- Hey, Steph.

Hey, what you got there?

Barney: Boy,
that's a real pip.

Harry:
Yeah, pretty fancy.

Hey, kid,
maybe you shouldn't be
lugging that all over town.

You know,
it didn't come out of
a cr*cker Jack box.

I have a
Photo Club meeting
right after school.

Hey, Stephie.
You got the camera.
Let's take a group shot.

How about
some group work
around here?

Come on, this is
a place of business.

We ain't got no time
for this fooling around,
taking pictures.

Business, business,
that's what we do here.

Come on, Stephie,
we got time for
a quick one, huh?

Okay, now,
everybody move a little
bit more to the right.

No, no,
a little more
to the left.

Hey, I'm getting seasick.

Okay, everybody say cheese.

All: Cheese!

Oh, look at this.
Excuse me.
Look at this over here.

One word from me
and they do
whatever they want!

Don't do that!
Don't be taking pictures of me
when I'm looking this way!

Come on now,
I can't even turn
my back a minute on you!

- Don't do that no more!
- Sit down there!

Sit down and have your lunch!

Can I stop smiling now?

Yeah, Mr. Van R.

Oh, boy. Oh.

I wouldn't make
a very good model,
would I?

Hey, I came in
10 minutes
before that kid.

How come she got served first?

She's served because
she's still growing,
you know, mac?

Hold your horses, there.
I'll get your food, now.

Yeah, when you get it,

you know what
you can do with it!

Don't do that!
Don't be takin' pictures
of me looking like that.

Cut it out!

Oh, hiya there,
Mr. Van R.

- Hi.
- How you doing?

Not coming out, is it, Arch?

- Oh, well, I'll show you.
- There's a trick to that.

- See, first you gotta work it all the way down to the bottom.
- See?

Then you gotta put
your hand right there,

and squeeze at this point here.

Like that? -

Did I get it?

Yeah, it's coming out
fine now, Mr. Van R.

Don't take
pictures of a mess
like this here!

- Sit down there.
- Sit down at the table and have your lunch!

- Okay.
- I mean it!

Okay!

I can't make nothing work.

- Oh, no, no.
- It's working fine now, Arch.

- Oh, no. I didn't...
- I meant...

These are really good, Amy.

Did you develop them yourself?

- Are you kidding?
- My dad had them done at a special lab.

Your dad is so co-operative.

- Co-operative?
- He runs the whole show.

- Oh, hi, Mr. Bloom.
- Hi, Stephie.

Huh? Oh, this is
a great shot.

- Grab your camera, Amy.
- Come on.

- Aw, jeez!
- Bloom again.

Look at you in the pose here.

You know, you'd make
them department store
dummies look good.

Will you
just stay there
a minute, Arch, huh?

- Yeah, go ahead.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, now, check the light.

Right, now adjust your f-stop,

make sure the flash
is on, and focus.

Great shot, great shot.

Okay, Arch, we're through.

Is it all right
if I pass by here?

Oh, sure, go right ahead.

Mind if I sit in my chair?

Yeah, sure, sit down.

Yeah. What have
you got here?

Photos. Of who?
As if I didn't know.
Bloom again.

- Huh?
- And there he is.

- Terrific, aren't they?
- Yeah.

Bloom, looking at
these photos is sheer
t*rture, you know that?

Here he is again.

This shows you that
a thousand pictures
can be worth one word.

I won't mention which.

Oh, come on, mention it.

Yeah, all right.

Barry: That's me at work.

- Archie: Oh, yeah, come on, come on.
- This is your father here in his office?

No,
it's his boss's office.
We snuck in at lunch.

Well, it will
be my office
very shortly.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, look at the Rolls-Royce
you're sitting on there.

Is that gonna be
yours pretty soon?

- No, it belongs to an Arab.
- -Amy.

He was sitting on an
Arab's Rolls-Royce?

- Amy.
- -Yeah, until he kicked him off.

Amy, we're losing the light,

and I want to
catch that picture of
me coming out of 21.

- Twenty-one?
- You'd be barely welcome in Shapiro's Deli!

What the hell
are you doing, Bloom?

Tormenting your child
taking pictures of you
in all these phony places!

- What are you talking about?
- It's for the photo contest.

A day in the life of a dad.

- Bye, Stephanie.
- Bye, Amy.

A day in the life of a dad?

You never told me
about no contest.

That's cause I didn't enter.

Why not?

Because she didn't
have the right subject.

Goodbye forever, huh, Bloom?

Well, I know I ain't
exactly your dad.

But I'm something like that.

What's the matter,
you ashamed of me?

You told me not to take
any more pictures of you.

You said I get on your nerves.

Oh, well, I really
didn't mean that.

And anyway,
I mean, you can't
help that, see.

You're always gonna
be on some man's nerves,
because you're a girl.

Anyway, it's too late.

I can't get
the pictures
in by Friday.

- Well, wait a minute.
- Maybe we can if we get a move on.

You just fire up
the camera, and you
leave it to me

to get you the pictures
of me. Huh?

Well, what are you waiting for?

I forgot to advance the film.

Yeah, well, hurry up,

because Mrs. Canby
ain't gonna be able to
straighten herself up again.

Look at the way she's standing.

- That ain't the shot!
- Take another. Go ahead.

Good. Good.

Now you entitle that one,
"Race relations in the home."

Stephanie, are you
sure these are the
kind of shots you want?

Well, they're not really...

Well, well, certainly they are,

certainly they are the kind.

I mean, how else are you
gonna pose me typical?

You want to see typical?
I should be pouring you
a glass of beer.

For breakfast?

Uh-huh.

Never, never, never, never.

I'm gonna be late for school.

Yeah, you're coming down
to the bar at noon, huh?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, bring the camera,

because I got
some terrific shots
all lined up.

- Okay. See you, Mrs. Canby.
- Bye, bye.

I got some
really terrific shots
lined up down there.

Okay, Archie,
why are you doing this?

For the kid, for the contest.

You sure it's not
a contest between
you and Bloom?

- Bloom?
- Bloom is the furthest individual out of my mind.

Did you mention a beer?

What the hell,
it ain't too early.

Don't be always
arguing with me,
will you?

I'm your boss,
do what I tell you.

Get the equipment
and bring it right
back in here.

- You finished there, kid?
- Almost.

- Where's Veronica?
- Busy.

She ain't
supposed to be busy
when I want her out here.

Now you can
eat that on
your way to school.

- You know, put it in a bag.
- -Ice cream?

Yeah, well, if
you don't like a bag,
put it in your pocket.

Jose, come on, come on.

I'm moving as fast as I can.

- Put that right down here, now.
- Give me it.

Don't hit me.

Would I hit you?

Put the pan down there
and let's get started, huh?

Now, get your
camera ready there,

and you'll
entitle this one,
"Harmony at work."

I don't believe it.

Do you believe
the immigration inspectors?

Smile at the camera.

Okay, sh**t. Terrific!

Okay. Veronica!

- What?
- Get out here!

Oh, God.

You knew
we was taking
pictures here.

What do you want from me?

What the
hell's the matter
with your face?

I am chopping up onions.

Can you wipe that off?

All right, I'm wiping.

Hold it,
I got a better idea,
get over here.

- What?
What are you talkin' about?
-Leave the tears on the face.

What's the matter with you?

This is gonna be
a beautiful shot.

- What are you gonna do?
- -All right, get ready to sh**t, kid.

What?

This one, you call this one,
"The sympathetic boss." Huh?

Shut up, huh?

That's great.
Terrific. Bye-bye.

- You're weird, you know that.
- You're weird, Arch.

Well, Mr. Van R,
he got one with a minority
and one with a woman.

I lay you two to one
you're next.

- Archie: Mr. Van R.
- Huh? Huh?

- Yes, here.
- Over here.

Okay, now, how does
this look, huh?

I don't know.

- Oh, no, I'm not talking to you, Mr.
- Van R.

I'm talking
to the kid here,
we're trying to get

some beautiful,
heartwarming photography.

Okay. Now, hey,
give me a menu.

What are you gonna do,
raise the prices again?

Yeah, as soon as
you pay your tab.

Now I'll be reading
this to Mr. Van R.

You call this, "Helping
a misfortunate customer."

I appreciate that,
but I know the
menu by heart.

- Yeah, I know, Mr. Van R.
- Give me a smile, will you?

Terrific, but it's over here.

Okay, sh**t.

Ah, that's it, that's it.

Now, just one or two more...

Oh! Look at Betty.
How are you, dear?

What do you want, Bunker?

Listen, I just want you
to take one little picture
with me, that's all.

Nothing for nothing.

Oh, no,
nothing for nothing,
what are you talking?

Here's a whole dollar for you.

- Oh, that's nice.
- How about throwing in a sandwich, too?

Yeah, I'll get you
a sandwich, sure.

Here.
Excuse me, Barney, huh?

Hey, that's my sandwich.

Take a dime
off his tab,
will you?

- Open the bag.
- There's your sandwich.

- All right.
- Now smile.

You call this one,
"Kindness to the poor."

- Go ahead.
- That's good.

- Okay, Betty.
- Go on, get going,

or I'll have to
call the police
on you, here.

This is gonna be
a beautiful shot,
this one's gonna be a winner.

One minute, Betty, one minute.

Turn back.
Okay, one more
with Betty, here.

- Smile again, dear.
- Okay.

We call this one
"Farewell to the poor."

Okay. Get going.

Get going, Betty.
That's the girl.

Give my regards
to the all the g*ng
at the Waldorf.

This is gonna
be one hell of
an exhibition.

These are very nice, girls.
All they need is trimming.

- Okay.
- Are they ready yet?

I think so.

Stephie, this is a good roll.

Some of these shots
are terrific.

- Thanks, Diane.
- And these poses.

My Uncle Archie thought them up.

They're so natural.

They are?

I think
some of them
could be winners.

They could?

- Definitely.
- Look at this one.

What's wrong?

I don't think
I can enter this
in the contest.

Why not?

I don't think
my Uncle Archie
would like it.

I was only testing
out my camera
when I took this.

- Stephanie, these are wonderful.
- They're so realistic.

- I don't know.
- He'll love them.

It'll be a nice surprise.

My Uncle Archie
doesn't like surprises.

Listen,
there are 25 girls
in the competition,

and if you want
a winning chance,

you've got to show
your best work.

Now you tell me.

Which are the better shots,

those, or these posed ones here?

I hate those posed pictures.

He made me take them.

Well?

- Okay.
- -Then we'd better get to work.

We don't have
much time to mount
them all before tomorrow.

- Which way does this go in?
- -The other way.

Look at the time.

Yeah, look at the time here!
We're gonna be late.
Get her down.

Stephanie!

Come on, kid,
what're you doing
up there?

My stomach feels funny.

- Aw, come on, come on, come on.
- Don't be faking here.

Come on!

Hey, feel her head.

You don't have a temperature.

No, come on, come on.

You just got some
butterflies running around
in there, that's all.

Well, maybe it's contagious.

Maybe we should
all just stay home.

- Come on, come on, will you?
- Don't give me that.

Listen, I went
to a lot of trouble
getting all of them

busy people
down at the saloon to
come and see your show.

Well,
maybe they won't
show up either.

Maybe they
all got sick,
like me.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

You're nervous, that's all, huh?

Hey, everybody
gets a little nervous

when they know
they're gonna have to
exhibit themselves.

Is that right?
Huh?

Yeah. Okay. Now,
lock all the doors...
Oh, it's me.

Bye.

And I'm telling you,
Miss Peachin,

it is amazing,
just how much I learned
about the right exposure

and composition for
some of these shots.

That's fascinating.

Ain't this nice
the way they do
this in here, huh?

Hello, Mr. Bunker.

Oh, hello,
how are you,
how are you?

- Oh, this is our housekeeper Mrs.
- Canby here,

- this is Miss Peachpit.
- -Peachin.

You're right, you're right.

- Diane.
- How do you do?

Hi, Stephanie.

- Yeah, why is she hanging back like this, huh?
- -Hi.

She's a little nervous.

Why? She did
a fine job.

- And you turned out to be a wonderful subject, Mr.
- Bunker.

Oh, gee, thank you very much.

Well, my late wife,
Lord rest her soul,

she always
used to say I was
very photogenetic.

- And your wife was right.
- Wait till you see these shots, Arch.

Well, thank you, Bloom.

Listen, I wanna tell you,
it's all in the way you
pose the pictures, see.

So that the subject
can bring out the
inner selfish there.

- So where are they?
- Over there.

Ellen: Where all
those people are?

Oh, look at this,
our exhibition's drawing
the biggest crowds.

Come on, let's take a look.

Hey, could you
let me through there?

Because I happen
to be the person that's
in the photographs here.

Wait, wait,
wait a minute. Wait.
Something's wrong.

These ain't the pictures
that ought to be up here.

Huh?

These ain't the right
pictures here.

I like this one the best.

- Do you know me?
- No.

- Never talk to strangers!
- Get out of here!

How did you get
those funny pictures?

It's trick photography,
that's how, kid.

And I'm the one
that the trick
was played on.

Archie, you're making a scene.

- The scene?
- The scene is up here.

This is a scene of disaster.

You don't always
have to keep looking
at it, do youse here?

How could
you humiliate me
that way, huh?

- I blame it on you.
- You're the teacher.

You shouldn't have
let her put up pictures
like that here.

Well, here we are,
Mr. Van R.

- Where?
- At the photo show.

- Oh, yeah.
- I didn't want to miss it.

Hey, here's
Stephanie's stuff,
over here.

Come on, let's get over here.

No, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Barney, wait a minute, Barney.

You don't wanna
see all of this here,

- '- cause I mean, this...
- This ain't me, you know.

On the contrary, Arch,
I'd say that was
a definite aspect of you.

Archie,
these pictures
are wonderful.

What're you talking about?

They make me look like a jerk!

True. You got guts.

What do you mean by that?

Well, listen,
you know,
a lot of parents

wouldn't let their
kids show pictures
of them like this.

Well, that is very true.

Diane: May I have
everyone's attention, please.

I'd like to
thank everyone for making
this such a success,

and to
commend the efforts
of all our girls.

Now, to announce our winners,

I'd like to introduce
our contest judge,

Warren Silver,
photo editor of the
Queens Shopping News.

The moment of truth, Arch.

You're on my foot, Bloom.

Thank you, Diane.

I won't prolong the suspense.

Third place goes to Fern Walsh.

Is your uncle really mad?

Let me just put it this way.

Could I stay
over your house
till I'm 18?

Second prize goes
to Jeannie Borelli.

And now, the big moment.

For her style, humor,
and exceptional sense
of character,

I'm proud to present
the grand award
to Stephanie Mills.

We're all proud of you, honey.

I'm sorry
I embarrassed you,
Uncle Archie.

That's okay.

We just won't
put them pictures in the
family album, you know.

So that people will
have to look at them
after I'm gone.

Do you think maybe
we could take them off

- of the wall now?
- Sure.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I have an important
announcement to make.

As photo editor of
the Queens Shopping News,

I've arranged to have
Miss Mills' winning photos

published in
a special edition
in our very next issue.

If you see me
like that over there,

how can you say you love me?

It's because
I see you that way
that I love you.