C'mon, let's get that
seafood right on the ice
in there, huh?
Go on, go on, go on.
Why couldn't
we have done this
at a decent hour?
Because the early
bird catches the fish.
As the hooker says
to the admiral.
Huh? Did you hear that?
Now, come on. Come on.
And besides, that guy
Ganzoni sells all his
best oysters fast.
When we got there, Ganzoni
was still in the shower.
Well,
don't you wanna buy your
oysters from a clean dago?
- Now, come on.
- Let's go...
What was that?
Sounded like it come
from the storeroom, boss.
Maybe it's a burglar.
Let's get the hell outta here.
No. Show a little
guts, will you?
C'mon, folly me,
and keep your voices down.
I'll call the police.
Forget the police.
By the time they get
over here, the crooks'll
be in Newark.
Let's wait.
The cops will
know what to do.
Yeah, yeah, so do I.
Maybe the guy back
there's got a g*n too.
I know that.
Now, Jose, move out
ahead of me a few paces.
Why do I have to go in first?
To flush him out so I can
get a clean shot at him.
But why me?
Because I'm a minority?
Oh, son, don't you
never be ashamed of that.
Lemme tell you something.
The president's gonna
give all youse guys
the honor of being the first
ones to get parachuted
into Russia.
Go on.
Just push open the door,
and yell "Geronimo,"
and then step aside.
Geronimo!
Okay, Mr. President,
it's safe to come in now.
Sure there ain't nobody here?
I'm the only one. I counted.
Oh, some mess, huh?
Very professional. They left
the joint exactly as I did.
Hey, is this your sock?
What are you talkin'
about? No foot of mine
would be caught dead
in a sock like that.
Looks more like one of yours.
I'm wearing both of mine.
Then this is an enemy sock.
How can you tell?
- Do I have to explain everything to you?
- Ain't it clear?
The crook broke in here,
he heard us comin',
he whipped off his sock,
and then escaped.
You mean somebody
broke in here just
to leave a sock?
Please don't ask me
to explain the criminal mind
of some New York crazo.
With a possible peg-leg.
Freeze, scum!
Hold it! Hold it!
Jeez! Don't sh**t me!
- All right, drop it.
- Yeah.
I meant the g*n.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Now wait a minute.
This ain't what it looks like.
C'mon, c'mon,
up against the wall.
- Okay, okay.
- Jose, get over there.
Jose? Hey, I think we got
the Ramirez brothers here.
Hey, I ain't related
to no Ramirezes!
And I certainly ain't, huh?
- Freeze, scum!
- Don't sh**t! No!
- I'm Harry Snowden.
- I called you guys.
- And this here's Archie Bunker.
- -I'm management.
- This is Jose Perez.
- I'm labor.
Well, where's the burglary
in progress?
Well, what do you call that?
You call the police
every time you find a sock?
You don't get it.
Officer, look, we come in
early, see, we're outside,
we hear noises in here.
I grab my piece, we bust in,
the crook gets scared,
he leaves.
You got a permit for that piece?
Certainly I got a permit.
And what's more,
I'm qualified with that piece.
I'm a veteran of WW2.
Oh, that's swell, pop.
Well, if there was
a burglar, my guess
would be that he used
the sock over his hand
to cover fingerprints.
Well, that's what I thought.
There's no sign of forced entry,
but these locks
are pretty crummy.
- What are you talking about "crummy"?
- Them is beautiful locks.
Listen, we've got some
literature on security
systems out in the car.
No, we don't, Jim.
When them kids stripped
our car last week,
they got all
the literature, too.
- Oh, yeah.
- Well, we can bring some by later.
Hey, come by for lunch
on the house.
Oh, thanks.
Real nice of you guys.
Yeah, yeah. A pleasure.
Meanwhile, you should consider
getting new locks here.
Well, jeez, that was
very sweet of you,
offering the cops lunch.
Well, I figured
you wouldn't mind.
- Why should I mind?
- It's coming outta your pay.
Jose, what's Spanish
for flounder?
How should I know?
Didn't you grow up in Nicaragua?
Yeah, but I never
ordered no flounder.
Okay, Raoul,
go to el fridgidario,
get me el grande pescado.
Oh, flounder.
Yeah. I didn't know
I knew Spanish that well.
Oh, no, no. Don't talk to
me in Spanish no more.
Only way to learn good English.
Hey, Raoul, you ain't never
gonna learn no good English
from another ill*gal there.
I'll take a minute
some time. I'll learn
you to talk like me.
Arch, these iron bars
keep the crooks out.
You put 'em on all
the doors and windows.
They're very decorative, too.
Oh, yeah, Harry, bars
are so beautiful, there.
We put them things on,
we'd be the most decorous
saloon this side of Sing-Sing.
Pick up.
How about this alarm here?
Somebody tries to break in,
lights start flashing,
bells start ringing.
Swell. The burglar thinks
he just won a Toyota?
Why are you so
against this stuff?
Listen, you could drive
yourself crazy with all these
alarms and bars and bells.
- And what are you doing?
- All you're doing
is telling the burglar
that there's something
of value in here.
You're right. You wouldn't
wanna do something dishonest.
You wanna come in
here one morning
and find all the booze gone?
I'm insured.
The color TV?
I'm insured.
How about your
autographed picture
of Sammy Davis, Jr?
Four hundred dollars.
That's for the locks.
You are charging me $400,
on top of that $12 an hour
I am paying you?
I don't make $12 an hour.
Well, thank God for that.
I make 36.
That's including overtime.
You don't mean to tell
me that you are
charging me overtime.
- I didn't wanna do it.
- I am not a night person.
You know, a burglar
would rob me, too,
but at least he wouldn't
bill me for no overtime.
All the locks are changed,
and here are the keys.
All right, you done,
stop your clock,
and go on. Home.
Can I have my tools?
Yeah, go on, take your tools,
go ahead, go ahead.
Hurry up, will you?
Get home to your wife.
She left me.
Why the hell didn't
you lock her in?
Archie: That is that.
Good morning, Arch.
Hey, do you know
why the back door
was unlocked?
No, why?
No, I mean, did you
lock it last night?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, certainly.
I locked it before I left.
Well, I just had to go in
there and lock it again.
And look what
I found in the office.
Fried chicken.
Now what kind of a crook
would bring a bucket of fried
chicken into a restaurant?
- A colored crook.
- Huh?
Yes. A colored crook,
with a peg leg
who wipes his fingers
on his extra sock.
It all adds up.
Did he take anything?
No.
Well, did he take
anything yesterday morning?
No.
Well, maybe this
intruder isn't a crook.
Maybe he came in for
some other purpose.
Yeah, yeah, like,
to go to the can.
It might be some poor
bum who was looking
for a place to sleep.
It's awfully cold
outside these days.
If Mr. Van R. is right,
this guy might try
to break in again.
What we need
is a security system.
Harry, I ain't gonna spend
five or six thousand dollars
on no security system.
Anyway, this place
has already got protection.
Yeah, what?
- You!
- Me?
Yes, Jose, you.
You are volunteering
to come back here tonight
and guard these premises.
- Oh, no way, boss.
- Hey, when we close up here,
all I wanna do is go home
to my family and wait
in line to brush my teeth.
Don't argue with me, Jose.
I ain't askin' this for
my own security, but
for your security, too.
I got plenty of security.
Because you work for me.
- That's right.
- But that could change.
I volunteer.
Freeze scum!
I'm freezing!
Raoul?
Jose?
I'm getting ready to sleep.
You mean you're the one that's
been breaking in here?
I not been breaking in nowhere.
I hide behind boxes
till everybody go.
Well, what are you doing
sleeping on the floor?
I know
I should be at home,
on my own floor,
but the landlord,
he raised the rent.
But he just doubled
it last month.
But now he say
the honeymoon is over.
He tripled the rent.
Too many people.
You just moved
three uncles out last week.
I don't believe it.
Just ask my three lonely aunts.
Raoul, why didn't you tell me
you needed a place to stay?
Because you got
no more floor left.
- But no worry, huh?
- Because me and family,
we find place and we
move in tomorrow.
So I stay here just
one more night, okay?
I can't let you do that, Raoul.
You kick me up?
Out!
- Yeah, up and out.
- I thought you were friend.
What do you mean, friend?
Amigo.
I know what friend means.
Then how come
you kick me up, huh?
You promise tomorrow
you'll find a new
place to stay?
- Yeah, it's pretty new.
- And we have choice of apartment!
How you get that?
The building was
abandoned last week.
Okay, look. I cover for you,
but just for tonight
because if the boss find out...
Hey, Raoul, I'm gonna
make some breakfast
before you leave.
- You want some eggs?
- Yes, I want them.
Okay, how you want them?
I want them, please...
No, no, I mean scrambled,
boiled, fried...
- Oh, oh. Sunny side in.
- Huh?
- Out.
- Up.
- Up.
- Up.
Jose!
Jeez, Jose, thank God,
you're alive and breathing.
Boss, what are you
doing here so early?
Jose, I had the most terrible
dream, it woke me up, there.
You was dead, lyin' here
in a pool of your own blood.
I had to run down here
and make sure it wasn't true.
Why... why didn't
you phone, boss?
I was a-scared
you wouldn't answer.
Listen, listen, I know
it was just a dream,
but, God, was it real!
You was here, you know,
guarding the premises,
just like I told you.
And all of a sudden,
in comes this great big colored,
one-legged pirate.
Limping in here, you know.
And he takes this giant
fried chicken leg...
and hits you over
the head with it.
But then he turns on you...
and he strangles you
with his unnecessary sock.
Why don't you go home
and get some sleep, boss?
No, no. Jeez,
I can't sleep no more.
As long as I'm here,
I might as well start work.
You know what I think I'll do,
I think I'll check
the new lock on
the alley door.
No, no, Mr. Bunker.
Don't go in the storeroom yet.
Why not?
Why don't we have a talk?
You know, you and me ain't
talked in a long, long time.
We ain't never talked.
See, that's too long.
What was that sound?
It must have been
the wind passing.
Passin' wind don't
sound like that.
I'll check this out.
- Jose! Jose!
- What the hell is that?
That's a sleeping bag, boss.
- I know that.
- Who was sleeping in it?
I was, boss, why do you ask?
Oh, no, that ain't true.
'Cause you didn't
go out that door there.
And look here,
the coffee cups, huh?
I was drinking coffee, boss.
Out of two cups?
I needed a lot of
coffee to stay awake
to guard this place.
What do you mean, stay awake?
You said you was asleep.
I was! That's why I needed
all the coffee.
- Jose, I don't believe that.
- You know what I think?
I think that you
was making cucarachas...
in the bag there with some
little Chiquita banana.
C'mon, Jose, the truth's
got to come out, Jose!
Okay, okay, boss, I admit it.
Hey, but, you know, it's really
lonely doing guard duty here.
Hey, I mean, you know,
you was in the army once.
Yeah, sure,
but when us Gis used
to get them sexual surges
in the foxholes,
we used to clean our g*ns.
Gee, boss, I'm sorry,
I ain't got no g*n.
Jose, I could lose my
license over this here!
Hey, I won't tell anybody!
And I promise
I'll never do it again.
But youse people
are always doing it.
Youse Latin types,
you can't control yourselves.
What I meant was,
I wouldn't do it here.
You're tellin' me.
You ain't gonna do nothing here.
Except leave.
- Huh?
- That's right.
I think I'm gonna
have to fire you.
What for?
For sex!
I can't believe he did that.
He admitted he done it.
And when he said
he'd never do it again,
the look on his face told me
that he could hardly
wait to do it again.
Oh, here comes the other guy.
Wait a minute,
wait a minute, there,
what's your name,
there, Raoul, there...
I wanna talk to you.
You want?
Well, I'm gonna try.
Listen, I am going
to kick you upstairs.
You don't understand.
I'm gonna make you
the second cook.
Why?
Why? Because I fired Jose.
Why you fire Jose?
Because Jose, with his
sleepin' bag there,
and a friend, they was there...
Look at this. If he don't
understand English,
how is he ever gonna
understand what two people
was doing in a sleeping bag?
No, I can't do Jose's job.
Why not? You can learn.
No, I have to tell you true.
I was sleeping here last night.
You mean you and Jose
was in the bag
with the girl?
That's sick.
No, there was no girl.
Without a girl
that's ten times worse!
Wait a minute, would you just
let him explain, Archie?
Raoul, why was you and Jose
sleepin' in the bag?
No, not Jose, just me.
My family lose
apartment this week,
so I live here
last three nights.
Then it was your
chicken and your sock?
You found my sock?
Listen.
Why did Jose tell me
that he was shack-o up-o
in the back-o over there?
He no tell you truth
because he me
real good friend.
You see that?
You can't fire
Jose over this.
Jose.
Hi, fellas, I just came
to pick up some things
I left in the kitchen.
Yeah, yeah, well, wait
a minute, come here.
I wanna ask you
something, there.
Did you tell me that story
back there in the storeroom
to protect this man?
You could say that?
Oh, well, now I understand.
He lied to protect a pal.
That's right. Yeah.
It was the other guy
that done wrong.
Yeah.
And then the other guy is fired.
- And this guy is fired.
They're both fired.
-Huh?
Ah, come on, Arch, the guy
just needed a place to sleep.
Why didn't the guy ask me?
Then you would have let him?
No. That's against the law.
It's against the building code.
Not to mention the fact that
they cost me a lot of money
layin' in new locks
all over this joint.
Not to mention
the horrible nightmare
I had about
a gigantic colored guy
creeping in here
and doing m*rder.
It's wild stories
like that that give
the coloreds a bad name.
Archie, I think you're gonna
have to reconsider this.
I ain't gonna
reconsider nothing!
- No, no... They're fired.
- They stay fired.
I don't need these guys here.
There's a hundred of 'em
swimming into this town
every week.
Listen! You think if you
fire these two guys,
you're gonna find
two others just like that?
Huh? What about lunch
this afternoon,
and dinner tonight,
and the next day
and the day after that?
And the day after that
and the day after that...
- Huh? Well?
- All right, all right!
Look at you with your hands!
What are you doing,
running around
with the Italians again?
All right, all right,
I won't fire them.
Hey, thanks, boss.
I'll give them
two weeks' notice.
Listen to me, Arch. I spent
a year training these guys.
And Jose has become
a damn good second chef.
You fire them, I'm taking
my apron on the road.
Look at this, look at this...
Do you mean to say that
you would threaten me to
quit over a thing like this?
- Gee, Archie.
- You understand English almost as good as Raoul.
Thank you very much
for standing behind
a fellow American.
Get outta the way.
Now, I was just tryin' to
teach youse two guys a lesson.
What lesson?
No talk, Raoul.
Don't press our luck.
What lesson?
- What lesson?
- The lesson is this,
that if these guys are
gonna go on livin' in this
glorious US of A here,
without no green card...
they gotta start living
by the principles
that Abraham E. Lincoln
himself fought and died for.
Truth, justice,
and the American way.
I think that was Superman.
Another great American
and, also an alien.
Thank you, Mr. Bunker.
I will forget this
the rest of my life.
Swell.
You're right, boss.
I learned my lesson.
Yeah, good, good.
What lesson do
you think he meant?
I think he meant no sex.
All right, you got your
way, you got your way.
And there they go, there.
But how can I be sure
that a thing like this
ain't gonna happen no more?
Why don't you ask
the politicians, huh?
What the hell
do you mean by that?
When are these people
gonna find cheap,
decent housing, huh?
When?
When are you gonna
stop hittin' me
with pinko propaganda
the first thing
in the morning?
And why are the two of youse
just standin' around here?
Am I the only one that does
any work in this joint?
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