03x16 - A Blast from the Past

[bunniefuu]

I know I paid this damn bill.

- I even made a notation of it in the ledger.
- But where is the ledger?

Somebody stole the ledger!

You're not that lucky.
It was buried in
the file cabinet.

Oh, you know,
that was the next place
I was gonna look in there.

- Come on, sit down.
- You gotta go over these accounts with me.

Hey, you know, I'm a lawyer.

I'm not supposed to
help you with this.

If you wasn't supposed
to help me with this,

why did your Uncle Abe
tell you to
help me with this?

Probably 'cause I forgot to
get him a Hannukah present.

Oh, well. Hey, hey, hey.

I ain't gonna get
mixed up in no
religious uprisings here.

You are here,
and I want you
to stay here,

and make sense out of
all of this for me, will ya?

If you got any questions,
I'll be in the bar.

Hey, this is a lot of work.
Where's your calculator?

It's on the floor
under the desk,
but it's useless.

It never gives you
the same answer twice.

Oh, geez, look at
these beauties here.

Hey, hey, come on, huh?

Dogs off of the
furnishings, huh?

I thought I told youse
guys no loitering.

Hey, lighten up, man,
we just wanna see Billie.

I know that.

But you gotta
order something
or take a hike.

All right, all right,
we'll order.

Uh, what's the cheapest
thing in the plate?

You are.

Look, why don't you just
bring us some water?

I'll tell ya where
you can get all the
free water you want,

- the Gowanus Canal.
- Jump in.

Come on, guys, out, out, out.

Okay, okay, pops.

Just tell Billie
we were here, huh?

Uh, no.

Goodbye forever, fellas.

Can you beat this?

9:00 in the morning,
already flocking
in here for her.

What the hell does she
do to encourage them?

She don't have to
encourage them.

I hate her friends so.

Look at Wyatt Earp over here.
What the hell does he want?

Same thing.
He's here for Billie.

Ah, excuse me there, Sheriff.

Are you gonna order something

or are you just waiting for
the Daltons to come in?

It's okay, partner,
just waiting for Billie.

Aw, Billie. Well, she ain't
riding into town until later.
Much later.

In fact, it may be a couple
of days, you know?

It all depends on the mood
of the Indians out there.

- I'm gonna ask her out tonight.
- I got two tickets.

Tickets for what?

The Harlem Experimental Theater.

You're taking my niece
up to Harlem?

They're doing Oklahoma!

The coloreds are doing Oklahoma!

That's right. And next week,
Fiddler on the Roof.

Uh, I guess you heard me
telling these other
gentlemen over here

about our anti-loitering policy?

- Oh, it's cool, partner.
- I'll have a shot.

Harry, could you sh**t him?

Harry, a double bourbon.

A double bourbon at
9:00 in the morning?

- You're right.
- Make it a double milk.

Help us, Lord.

What does she see
in guys like this?

She don't go out with them.

- How do you know that?
- And how do I know that?

- She's a girl.
- You never know what a girl is doing.

That's true.

You shoulda seen the guy
that I chased away from
the house the other night.

He was wearing chains.

He scared Barney's dog
off of my lawn.

Bunker, could you gimme a hint?

What is B-T-W-D-T-M?

Can't you figure that
out yourself?

That's "booze that was
drunk this month."

Why didn't I see that?

Hey, it's too bad Billie
don't go out with a nice guy
like Gary here.

Aw, come on.

- Wait a minute.
- Have you been asking her out?

- No, of course not.
- I don't think I'm her type.

Yeah, well, no, you ain't.

Well, back to work.

Hey, where's my milk, partner?

Coming up.

- Good morning.
- Harry: Good morning.

Is Barbara Lee Bunker around?

And another one!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Are you the guy that
was asking for Barbara Lee?

Yes, sir.

Well, she oughta be
in here any minute there.
I'm her uncle.

You're Archie Bunker?

Oh, I've heard so many
wonderful things
about you, sir.

Yeah, uh, from who?

- Barbara Lee.
- She used to talk about you all the time.

When was this?

- Back in Baltimore.
- Barbara Lee and I went to high school together.

Oh.-

What an attractive place
you have here!

Yeah, we like it.

This here part is the bar,
and over there
is the restaurant.

Oh, you must be
very proud of it.

Well, in a word,

I am very proud of it, yes.

Well, I can certainly see
why she wanted to work here.

What an opportunity!

You're damn right.

Well, well, well,
what brings you to New York?

- Oh, just passing through on my way to Boston, Mr.
- Bunker.

I'm entering a bank
management program there.

You don't say.

- Oh, hey, come on, young man.
- Sit down.

- Make yourself at home.
- Thank you.

I don't believe that
I caught your name.

Ted Green, sir.

Ted Green.
That's a fine name.

Well, so, you and Barbara Lee,
you go way back, huh?

Yes, that's right.

When I first met her,
she was a freshman

and I was president
of the senior class.

You was president of
the senior class.

Listen, I wanna ask
you a question

I ask most young men
I meet nowadays.

What do you think of Reagan?

Oh, I love him, sir.

He's the reason I joined
the Young Republicans.

Harry, buy this young man
a drink over here.

Oh, no thank you, sir.

I only drink at weddings
and on national holidays.

Ain't that wonderful?

I got to know Barbara Lee
when she was a cheerleader,

and I was captain of
the baseball team.

Excuse me, old-timer,
you got any cookies?

Can't you see that
I'm talking to a
human being here?

Hey, why don't you
come over to the house
for dinner tonight?

Oh, well, that's quite
an honor, sir,

but I was planning on
turning in early.

Well, we can have an
early dinner there.

It's almost just
around the corner.

You can walk there.
704 Hauser Street.

I'll get a pencil
so you can write it down.

Oh, I have one, sir.

A guy that's got his
own pencil. Terrific.

Put down 8:00 p.m.

8:00 is great.

Tell Billie I'll be back.

What for?

She's going to dinner
with this young man
over here.

Why don't you just
hit the trail, huh,
masked man?

I'll be back, kemosabe.

Well, at least I got rid of
Public Deadbeat Number One.

By inviting young Pat Boone
over there, huh?

You sure Billie's
gonna like this?

Hey, it's my duty to
try and point her in
the right directions.

Barbara Lee.

I don't believe it.

Look at this,
she's so thrilled,
she's numbstruck.

Ted, what are you doing here?

Ah. Same old Babs.

Ain't that charming, Babs?

Excuse me, I have work to do.

- Wait a minute.
- Shirley's setting everything up here.

Sit down and talk
to your old friend.

Archie, please...

Do what your uncle tells you.
Sit down and have some fun.

Darling, why didn't
you write me?

Ted, I told you I never
wanted to see you again.

Don't you remember?

Yes, but can't we
get beyond that?

The important thing is,
I'm here now.

- Where I belong.
- In this chair.

Look, Bunker,
red ink means loss,
black ink means profit.

I have no idea what
green ink means.

Can't you understand nothing?

That means I was
using my green pen.

Ted, go home!

Don't I have the right
to win you back?

- No!
- Why not?

Because I'm...

seeing someone.

- I don't believe it.
- What's his name?

His name is...

Gary. Gary Rabinowitz.

Rabinowitz? Oh, come on.

Barbara Lee, you're just
overwhelmed at seeing me.

This isn't a good time to talk.

We'll talk at dinner.

Dinner? Who said
anything about dinner?

- Your uncle.
- He invited me.

See you at 8:00, darling.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute here...

Oh, let's save all
conversation till tonight.

Oh, goodbye, Mr. Bunker.
It was a thrill meeting
you, sir.

Yeah, well, listen,
there'll be plenty more
thrills tonight. 8:00 sharp.

That's a very nice
young fella there.

- You made a date for me?
- You had the nerve?

Listen, that's the decentest
looking young guy
that I ever seen you with.

At my age, I'm a better
judge of character than you.

I'm gonna call Mrs. Canby,
I'm gonna clear
the decks for tonight.

I'll have the little kid
go over and see her
little friend, Amy Bloom.

Okay, I'll be there.

Archie:
Mrs. Canby, it's me.

Are you busy?

Oh, hi, Billie.

I'm just trying to
break your uncle's code.

Could J-A-N possibly
stand for January?

No, it stands for
juices and nuts.

Are you married?

This a trick question?

I'd really like to know.

No, I'm not.

Do you have a girlfriend?

Have you been talking
to my mother?

Ah. That means no?

Yes. Uh, no.

- Good.
- You see, I have this little problem and I really need some help.

It's not accounting, is it?

No. It's this guy I once
dated in Baltimore.

I told him I never
wanted to see him again,
and he followed me here.

Well, that doesn't
mean anything.

Archie's taken a liking to him.

Billie, don't worry about it.

He invited him to the house
for dinner tonight.

Worry about it.

Look, if you don't wanna
see the guy, just don't go
home for dinner tonight.

- It's not that easy.
- Ted's crazy.

He won't take no for an answer.

One night when I was out,

he rented a policeman's uniform

and arrested my date.

Interesting approach.

Another time he
climbed up my window ledge,

and began singing to me
at 3:00 in the morning.

Hey, that's very romantic.

He was singing,
You're a Grand Old Flag.

Well, it's rousing.

I just know that he won't
go away unless he thinks
I'm involved with someone.

I see.

So I told him I was.

Hmm.

- Me?
- I hope you don't mind.

Uh, no. No. If anybody
asks me, I'll say
we're involved, okay?

Could you do a little
more than that?

You don't want me to
beat him up, do you?

I just know that
he won't stay out
of my life forever

unless he thinks
that we've been...

Uh-huh.

Yeah. So, uh, could you...

Oh, I couldn't just like that.

Come to the house
for dinner tonight?

Oh, dinner just like that?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- I can do dinner.

Great.

- Could you also bring me flowers?
- I'll pay for them.

You don't have to do that.
I'd love to bring you flowers.

Thank you.

Come a little after 8:00.

All right.

- Oh.
- And don't tell my uncle anything about this.

It's going to be a surprise.

Somehow I knew
you were gonna say that.

Billie, I don't know about this.

I mean, if you and I
are supposed to be dating,

and doing that...

We don't know anything
about each other.

I mean, what if somebody asks?

We don't know
favorite foods, movies...

Birthmarks.

Hey, we're not even up to food.

Well, do you like Chinese food?

- Sure, I love it.
- It's my favorite.

Mine, too.

- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.

Have you ever been to
Sam Woo's House of Food?

I've heard of it.
That's the home of the
foot long egg roll.

That's it. You should
see their specialty,

the Great Wall of Rice.

We'll say that's where we go.

Well, well, but still, Billie...

I love old movies.

You're kidding. So do I.

I mean, I'm not
just saying that...

- What are some of your favorites?
- -Uh...

Passage to Marseilles,
Casablanca.

You're a Bogart fan?

Peter Lorre.

That man was a genius!

- "- Hide me, Rick!
- You have to do something!

- "- Help me, Rick!
- Do something!"

Shut up.

I'm sorry.

No, that was what my Bogart.
See, then he says, "Shut up."

Oh, right.

- That was great.
- Did you see The Maltese Falcon?

Oh, that was the best.

"It was you,
you stupid fat man."

Huh?

Oh! Nothing.
We were just doing movies.

Oh, come on,
quit kidding around.

There's customers waiting
for service out here.

Coming, Archie.
Bye, Gary.

Bye, Billie.

Rabinowitz, what about you,
you're supposed to
finish up here today.

Bunker, it took God
six days to make the world.

These books would have
tied him up for two years.

Yeah, but God didn't
have no Jap calculator
like you got.

Hey, Billie,
did Mrs. Canby tell you

when to take that
chicken outta
the oven there?

I just took it out.

Good. Oh, be sure to
set the table right, huh?

You know, because
Ted's a classy guy.

If you don't set the
table right, classy people
always throw a fit.

- I'll get that.
- No, no, no, you get it.

- It's him.
- It's nicer you get it.

Okay, okay.

Okay. She's coming
to the door, Ted!

She's opening the door for ya.

Hi, Ted.

Babs, you remembered.

Magenta's my favorite color.

Oh, well then
you'll love dinner.
We have the same color JELL-O.

That's so thoughtful.

Would you let him in,
please, and stop
letting the heat out?

These are for you.

- Thank you.
- I'll go put them in some water.

Yeah, yeah. Put them in water
so they won't croak.

That's one thing I admire
about Barbara Lee.

She really
understands plant life.

Ah! She does, huh?

Well, uh, sit down,
sit down, young man, here.

Sit down, I wanna talk
to you more about Reagan.

- No, not in that chair.
- Sit in the one over there.

You know, the president, see,
by giving us back
our taxes like he's doing,

he ain't gonna make us
pay for this next w*r.

Do you know how he's
gonna raise that trillion
and a half he needs?

Oh, yes, sir. He's gonna
borrow it from the banks.

So what the hell do we care?

Oh, these are for you,
Mr. Bunker.

Aw, gee, you shouldn't have.

Oh, I'm only sorry
they couldn't be from Havana.

Oh, cigars!
What do you know?
Gee, these are...

"Korean Coronas."

Well, listen, they're probably
very nice, you know.

The nicest cigars are
made in places

- where the people are all scared.
- Thank you.

You're welcome.

This is a lovely home
you have here.

Yeah, we like it.

That's a very attractive
panther you have over there.

- Oh, yeah, the panther.
- That was a wedding present from my Uncle Roy.

He died.

I'm so sorry.

- Oh, that's okay.
- We never think about him.

- Well, dinner's ready.
- Why don't we come and sit down?

- That's a good idea.
- Let's go and sit down, huh?

Roast chicken, my favorite.

Sit down, too. Now, you...

You hometowners can have a real,

what do you call it,
neuralgic visit there, huh?

Pass the peas.

Hold it please.

I couldn't think of
starting without saying grace.

Ain't that wonderful, huh?

In this day and age

to find a young man
who's got the decency
to be scared of God?

I'll get it.

If it's one of them religions,
just tell them we're praying

and slam the door!

We get them all day
long around here.

- You know, we get them all.
- We get the Normans,

we get the Seven
Day Adventurers,

we get Jehovah's
Defendants, all of them.

- Annoying, aren't they, sir?
- Oh!

Hey, look over here!

Hi.

Rabinowitz?
What are you doing here?

Gary Rabinowitz?

I'm so glad you
dropped by, honey.

Hey, hey, hey. Billie.

- Billie, stop that!
- What are you doing kissing my lawyer?

Your lawyer stole my girl?

Huh?

I guess I should explain.

Uh, Gary and I wanted
to keep it a secret,
but it has to come out.

We're...

You're what?

Well, I suppose
I shoulda mentioned it,

but I didn't wanna mix
business with pleasure.

Don't you dare call
my niece "pleasure."

You like going around
breaking up happy
couples, fella?

What happy couple?

I didn't know this terrible
thing was happening.

Well, it just sort of
snuck up on us when
you weren't around.

Get your arm out
from around her.

Babs! Babs!

You can't wipe out
years of memories like this.

Ted, you and I only
went out three times.

Okay, so it wasn't years.

But those dates were
very meaningful.

We went miniature golfing.

- But I let you win.
- Didn't you get it?

Well, I'm not giving you up
without a fight.

Come on, clown.

Listen, buddy,
I didn't come here to fight,

but if that's what
I have to do, I'll do it.

Wait a second,
this is getting stupid now.

How could you do this to me?

Because you refuse to accept
what I'm telling you.

What?

Gary and I are involved.

Involved?

Hopelessly involved.

Well, this comes as
a shock to me, Ted.

All I can say is,
I'm very sorry.

What exactly does this mean?

Yeah, please.
What exactly does
this mean?

Now wait just a minute.

We don't have to explain
anything to this man,

do we, sweetheart?

I should say you don't.

I was wrong about you,
Barbara Lee.

To think I yelled
at my mother
when she told me

you were the kind of girl
who slept around.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I ain't gonna allow that
kind of talk in my house.

I think, at least
for the moment, Ted,
you'd better go.

- Oh, I'm going.
- And thanks for nothing, fatso.

Huh? Huh? Huh?

I hope you blow up on
those Korean torpedoes!

What is this?
He sounds like he belongs
in a Hoo-Hoo Hotel.

Ted:
♪ You're a grand old flag

♪ You're a high-flying flag

I don't believe what
I heard here.

And this guy said he was
on the ball squad.

He was the batboy.

And what about being
president of
the senior class?

He made the posters
for the campaign.

Let me tell you something.

A young man can't lie like that,

and go very far in
the banking business.

Not in the U.S. of A. Right?

It's a question.

All right, the hell with him.
But this is another thing.

What is this involvement
tragedy, huh,

that's going on
under my nose,
behind my back?

Gary and I aren't
really involved.

He just helped me
to get rid of Ted.

You were terrific, Gary.

Hey, any time.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

What are you trying to tell me?

This arm around,
and the kissing,
and all of this stuff

is some kind of a gag
just to give this guy
the gate?

Yes.

Well, I don't know why

I have to put up with
this kind of tortures
here in my own house!

I'd better be going.

No, no, I invited you for dinner

and we have all this
chicken and everything.
Isn't that right, Archie?

Aw, do what youse want.

God knows I ain't got
no control over the doings
in this house no more.

Hey, Billie, did you
see the paper?

- The Rialto is showing Peter Lorre in Think Fast, Mr.
- Moto.

Why don't we go tomorrow night?

- I'd love to.
- Okay.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Interfering again?

Excuse me, I gotta
object to this.

This is not only
a concern of mine,

but a concern of the
whole world as we know it.

How would your sweet
little momma feel

if she knew that you
was going out with
an un-Jewish girl?

If she doesn't know about it,
she'll feel just fine.

But if I don't feel fine,
why should she?

We feel fine,
that's all that counts.

- Billie...
- Case closed.

- Do Peter Lorre for me again.
- -Well...

Do who?

"It was you,
you stupid fat man."

I'm living in a nightmare.