03x17 - Sex and the Single Parent

[bunniefuu]

Sway to the left,
sway to the right.

Stand up, sit down,
fight, fight, fight.

- Go, Astoria!
- Go, Astoria!

That's great, Cathy.

Oh, I don't know if
I'll ever be that good.

Oh, of course you will.
You've got all
the moves down.

Now all you need
is some practice.

Just remember, Steph,
the main thing is enthusiasm.

Let's see your number four.

Okay.

- Gimme an A!
- Both: A!

- Gimme an S!
- Both: S!

- Gimme a T!
- Both: T!

Gimme a break.

What is youse all
screaming about?

I could hear youse
half way to the saloon.

Stephanie made the
cheerleading finals.

Oh, oh, that. Yeah.

Oh, well, that's
very nice there.
Congratulations, kiddo.

And who are you
with the vulture
on the front of you?

I'm Cathy Scott.

You remember Cathy,
she's head cheerleader.

She's gonna help me practice.

Oh, yeah,
how are you, young lady?

Hi, Mr. Bunker.
Show your uncle
number seven, Steph.

Hold it, hold it.

I think I survived number seven

this morning over breakfast.

- Don't do no more.
- Listen,

why don't the two of youse
go up to your room there

and do all of this there,
and take your
bon-bons with you.

- They're pom-poms.
- Show a little enthusiasm.

I ain't got nothing
against cheerleading.

In fact, I've got a
little cheer for you.

Cheer, cheer, cheer,
how about a beer?

Here.

- "- Here" what?
- What's this?

It's from school.
I need you to sign it.
It's for a special class.

Huh? What's special about it?

It's just Health.

Health. I don't like
the sound of "health."

Look at this.

h*-h*-h*, and I'm right, too.

A course in Sex Education
and Family Living.

The hell with this.

You ain't gonna take
no how-to course
in you know what.

I don't know what.

That's why I should
take the course.

I told you to tell him
it was Health.

I tried. Who knew
he was going to read it?

How is Stephanie
supposed to learn what
she's supposed to learn

if you won't talk to her?

She's gonna learn
all she needs to know

on her wedding night
if her husband ain't drunk.

Terrific. And where is
the man supposed to learn?

Men never learn anything.

What I mean to say is,
that they're born knowing
all of that stuff.

And what the good Lord
didn't teach the man,

they can pick the rest
up in the streets, where
that stuff belongs anyway.

Do you believe this?

Sure. My father's
the same way.

He wouldn't let me
take the class
last year or this year.

Your father's only
trying to protect you,
little number.

And don't sit around
doing nothing here.

Go on up to your room,
do something useful.

And where's my beer?

Here's your beer.

Billie, Billie, don't do that.

I just didn't want it to settle.

- What are you talking...
- You're never supposed to shake beer.

There ain't nothing
to settle in beer.
Ain't you never learned that?

Thank you.

That's one thing I won't
have to learn on
my wedding night.

- Get outta here.
- You're only trying to drive me nuts.

- Look at this now.
- I'm gonna have to wait for my beer to settle.

Now why would you
do a thing like that,

walk straight into a room
and turn the channel, huh?

I was watching that.

Gilligan was about to
negotiate with
the cannibals.

- Masterpiece Theater is on.
- Let's watch something intelligent.

There's entirely too much
intelligence on TV.

And I hate that PBS,

they're always trying to ram
intelligence down my throat.

You know what I don't
like about them?

They don't have the commercials.

You like commercials?

Hey! Commercials
is very American.

I'll tell you something else
I like about commercials,

they give you a chance
to go to the toilet.

- I'll get that.
- I'll get that, I'll get that.

- It's night out.
- Turn off the set.

Good evening,
I'm David Jacobs and
this is Darcy Green.

- We're here tonight on behalf of...
- -Before you get started

on the pitch there, buddy,

let me give you
a piece of advice.

Don't ever go begging
door-to-door looking
as dressed up as you.

Don't be so rude.

I ain't gonna hand out no money.

We're not here for money.

We represent concerned parents

who want to stop
sex education in
Stephanie's school.

Now you can be rude.-

Did Stephanie bring home
a parental permission slip
from school today?

Yes. As a matter
of fact, she did.

Please, come in.
Please step inside.

And don't pay no attention
to her over there.

- Yeah.
- She brung that thing home about the sex education class,

- wanted me to sign it.
- I gave it the deep six.

Well, we'll just take
a couple of minutes
of your valuable time.

I can see that you are
a gentleman of intelligence
and good judgment.

Oh, thank you. You know,
I wasn't doing nothing,

just watching my
Masterpiece Theater
over there.

Please, please.
Sit down, sit down.
Make yourself at home.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Archie, there's nothing wrong
with sex education.

I had it myself when
I was in the eighth grade.

Don't be bragging about
a thing like that

in front of respectable
strangers here, huh?

- The course has changed a great deal since then, Mr.
- Bunker.

Today, our children
are being exposed

to such things as birth control.

Oh, my...

Intercourse.

It's so unnatural.

Slides of venereal disease.

Oh, help us, Lord.

Ad infinitum.

I knew a sergeant in the Army
that caught a dose
of that in Italy,

and the skin started
to peel right off.

Stephanie should know
about these things.

Butt out, you.

The school is giving
an orientation meeting
for the parents

- at the school on Thursday night, Mr.
- Bunker.

And we would like you
to be there just to see
how far this thing has gone.

I got to tell you the truth,
I ain't much for meetings,
you know.

But I will promise you this.

I won't let that little
kid of mine anywheres
near that class.

Oh, that's only half the battle.

Now, think of all
the boys her age,

boys she'll be dating soon.

Taking a course like this

is like dousing a fire
with gasoline.

I don't want to hear that.

- Mr.
- Bunker, you'd be appalled to know what's going on out there.

Now, we actually found
a teacher in Philadelphia

who's using this material
as a visual aid.

Oh.

It's not for your eyes,
young lady.

Billie, please,
look off in the distance,
will you?

Now, we don't want
this kind of thing
in school, do we?

- Mr. Bunker?
- Huh?

Oh, no, certainly not.

That's disgusting.

There's nothing but
hard pore corn.

Come on, Archie.
No professional teacher

would show something
like that to a class.

Will you keep
quiet there, peanut?

What the hell do you
know about it?

I certainly do intend
to go to this execution.

- Exhibition.
- Orientation.

Yeah, yeah, that.

Try to go with an open mind.

Open mind, open mind?

This is what comes
of having an open mind
right there.

Don't look at that.

- No, no, no.
- She's right.

You come with an open mind.

Just be prepared to
wallow in moral degradation.

I look forward to that, madam.

Well, thanks for
the ride, Bloom.

But I gotta tell you,
you're wrong about this

like you are about most things.

These classes do
nothing but feed poison
to our children.

That's ridiculous.
That kind of thinking went
out with the Edsel, Bunker.

Oh, well, you know what...

Excuse me, is that
Archie Bunker?

- That's right.
- My name's Ron Scott.

My daughter Cathy is
a friend of Stephanie's.

Oh, yeah, the little girl
with the pom-poms.

- That's right.
- -Yeah, she was over the house...

Hey, she told me
you wouldn't let her
take this class neither.

- That's right.
- There's a lot of us here tonight

who feel exactly the same way.

- Oh.
- -I'm very glad you're with us.

- Hey. Boy, I wouldn't've
missed it.
- Selby: Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me. I'm ready to start
if everyone would please
just come inside.

Is that the teacher?

That's right.

Oh, gee, I mean for teaching sex

they really should
get an ugly woman.

The test that you
parents just took

is identical to the ones
that I give to the students.

It helps us to identify

the common misconceptions
people have in this area.

Thank you.

Oh, you see,
I spot one right away.

Here's one person that answers
"true" to the question

"Can you get venereal disease
from a toilet seat?"

Now, simply, this is not true.

Yeah, but like I always say,
why take a chance, huh?

It's amazing to me
how many adults

don't understand the
basics of reproduction.

Oh, yeah? Then how did we get
these kids in this class
in the first place, lady?

Why don't you let the lady talk?

Look, here's what I mean.

This person
defined fertilization

as "spreading steer manure
on a lawn."

Well, that's just plain dumb.

True.

And here, this person
here described labia

as "the place where
Ronnie sent his jets
to cream Qaddafi."

- I don't know what's so funny about that.
- It was in all the papers.

I don't know why we have to
take these kids's tests
in the first place.

- That's right.
- And these words shouldn't be taught in the first place.

Man:
Yeah, that's right.

What kind of words
do you want to use
with your kids?

Poo-poo and tushie?

Well, Bloom, that happens
to be traditional and
very decent words.

I just don't believe
that our children

should be subjected to
Masters and Johnson.

I caught that act years ago
on Ed Sullivan.

Them guys was dirty even then.

Please. This is
exactly my point.

The words you hear tonight
are dirty only if
you think they are.

Would you like to see
the organ most essential
to sexual activity?

I don't got anything
that looks like that.

You can bet on it, Arch.
It's a brain.

- That's right.
- More specifically,

this gland right here
is the pituitary gland,

which triggers the growth
that your children
are going through.

In girls, we have the
development of the breasts...

Hold it. We don't want
to hear this,

and we don't want our
children to hear this.

- No, no, no.
- You hold it, mister.

You can decide what
your daughter does
and doesn't do,

but you can't dictate
what my daughter can
or can't see.

The school board sets
school policy,

they have not yet begun
to hear from us.

And this smut
has no place in
the public schools.

Well, congratulations, Arch,
you finally made it.

You're one of the majority.

Ah, Bloom, come on, you lost.
Admit it, don't be a sorehead.

I lost? Our kids lost.

But just so you don't
have to ride home
with a sore loser,

I'll see you around, Arch.

Archie: Aw, gee,
what a pal and a neighbor.

Hey, Bloom, I don't care,
'cause the whole world's
going my way.

Ah, it was all a
waste of time, you know.

A whole lot of ignorant
things being said

by a bunch of
hyster-rectical people.

Yeah. You know, we never
needed those classes.

No.

When I was in school,
"Health" meant just one thing.

Getting your head
checked for lice.

That's right.

The Stone Age is over.

Today, any psychologist
will tell you

that it's healthy
to know ourselves,
to explore our own bodies.

God, I hate that explore stuff.

I mean, it sure is
different from our day.

You know, when my old man
thought I was gonna
do any exploring,

he'd hit me with a fly swatter.

By the time I was
in the sixth grade,

I was known as Waffle Face.

- I'll tell you something else, too...
- -Yeah?

Hey, Archie.

Hey, hey, gee, look who's here.

Hey, come on in there, Ron,
it's good to see you.

- It's good to see you, too.
- Say hello to the boys.

Hey, fellas, this is
a very good friend of mine

I just met last night,
Ron Scott. Say hello.

Hiya, Ron.

Yeah, yeah.
Oh, this guy is one
hell of a speaker.

You should have heard him
at that meeting there.

- Come on, sit down, sit down.
- Thank you.

Yeah. Good to see you.
How goes the battle?

Well, it's exciting.

We'd really like to
have you join us, Archie.

Oh. Well, you got enough
people, haven't you?

- Are you a veteran, Archie?
- You're damn right.

Well, you can think
of this as a w*r.

A w*r against the moral
decay of our society.

Have you been
to a library recently?

I don't think in
the last week or so.

Here's a partial list
of some of the most
offensive books

that our children are
being encouraged to read.

Catch 22... rampant sex
in Italy in World w*r II.

Geez, I coulda wrote
that book myself.

Our Bodies, Ourselves...
they use nude photos
and diagrams.

That's gotta go.

Catcher in the Rye.

A 16-year-old
utters profanities
from cover to cover.

Aw, jeez.
Put a match to that.

- Wait a second.
- I read that book.

It happens to be
a classic story of a
teenager growing up.

Ah, come on.

So, can we count on you, Archie?

Gee, Ron, I don't know.

Would you consider
letting us use
your restaurant here

one night a week
for our meetings?

We'd pay for all
the food and drink.

- Oh, well, I...
- Don't.

Shut up, you.
Yes. Yes.
I would do that.

I could squeeze youse
in here one night a week.

I'm glad to do this.

And as long as you're
paying for the drink,

I'll tell you what I'll do,
I'll give you a
break on the mix.

Fantastic.

I don't want to be here
those nights.

Get outta here.
Don't pay no attention to her,
my niece there.

You know, their
whole generation's

got their brains scrambled
from the rock 'n' roll.

I know what you mean.

We're very concerned
about the suggestive lyrics
in rock music, too.

Have you ever heard The Who?

- Who?
- Yes, they're the worst.

- Who?
-That's right.
They're scandalous.

We're gonna try and
get their songs
taken off the radio.

Yeah. Get rid of them.

- Archie, I gotta run.
- Thank you for your support.

Oh, think nothing of it, Ron.
It was nice to see you. Yeah.

- Gentlemen, nice to meet you.
- So long, Ron.

- So long there, Ron.
- Come back soon.

- Hey, hell of a nice guy.
- And he certainly knows what he's talking about.

Except he got a little
confused there about
this music there.

What was he getting at?

He was talking about a
rock group called "Who."

I don't know.

The man never got to that.

You know, if Uncle Archie
has his way,

I really won't learn
anything till I'm married.

Steph, if you ever have
a question about
anything at all,

feel free to ask me.

You know a lot, huh?

Just ask a question.

How old were you when
you started dating?

I was 14, I guess.

Did you have a boyfriend?

- Well, several.
- You know, you go out with a guy for a while, then you break up.

I went with this guy,
Armand for a year
and a half.

Did you make out a lot?

- Oh, well, what's a lot?
- I mean, you know,

we went out to movies
or we went to parties.

We did some kissing,
but it was all innocent.

What is petting?

Uh, it's just like making out,

only warmer.

No, it's different, it's...

It's, uh, your deal.

I'll get it.

Where have you been?
I've been waiting for you.

Come on in.

- Congratulations.
- You're a cheerleader.

- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, my goodness.

See, Steph, I knew you'd do it.

Oh, when's our first practice?

Next Tuesday or
Wednesday, I guess.

- Well, let me
take your coat.
- No, that's okay. Um...

My father's gonna
pick me up in a few minutes.

Could I have a glass of water?

Well, of course,
come on in the kitchen.

Oh, I've got to call Amy.
She's gonna be so excited.

You know, all of my life
I have wanted to
be a cheerleader.

Now I am one.

You know something,
I'll have to get new tennis
shoes and everything.

Here you go.

Is something wrong, Cathy?

What is it?
What's the matter?

I just came from
the free clinic.

I'm pregnant.

Two months.

Billie:
Oh, Cathy.

You just started dating, though.

It just happened.

We went to David's
house to watch TV.

I didn't know
you could get pregnant
the first time.

Where did you hear that?

That's what my cousin told me.

I feel so dumb.

Didn't your parents ever...

Didn't they ever talk
to you about anything?

My parents?

My father?

He told me I'd learn
everything I'd needed to know
on my wedding night.

Stephanie:
Sounds familiar.

He's gonna k*ll me.

I'll have to tell my mom first.

Maybe she'll tell him.

I'll get that. I'll get that.
Stay where youse are there.

- I was just coming down the stairs anyhow.
- I'll get it.

Hi, Archie, is Cathy here?

Oh, hello, there, Ron.
Yeah, yeah. Come on in.
Come on in.

- She's just...
- around the house someplace.

Good news.

Oh, it's terrible, ain't it?

What?

Oh, what was you gonna say?

Well, we got about 25%
of all the parents

to get their kids
out of that class.

Then we spoke to some
school board members

and they're going to come
meet with our group.

Yeah, that's swell,
Ron. Yeah.

Well, the next big step
is the strategy meeting

at your restaurant
on Monday night.

If that's all right.

- Oh, Monday night.
- I don't think that would be too good, Ron.

Oh, well, then Tuesday or
Wednesday is fine, too.

Well, I tell you, Ron,
it ain't exactly the night.

Uh, it's something else that...

Hey, I'm right with
you and everything.

I meant to ask you,

is there anything they
teach in that there class
that, uh...

that you could think of
as being good?

You know, for instance,

do they teach the
little girls how not to

get themselves in trouble,
you know what I mean?

That kind of instruction

encourages that
kind of activity.

Yeah, I know.

Uh, well,
this was sort of
a business thought I had.

Maybe it wouldn't look
too good if I was to...

to let the joint out
to one special group,
you know.

Come on, Archie,
it's not like we're the
Communist Party.

We're a group of
concerned parents.

Well, I'm concerned, too, Ron.

I don't get it, Archie.

The other night,
you were for us 100%.

Hi, sweetheart,
you just about ready?

Yeah, Dad.

Archie, I want you
to reconsider.

We have a responsibility.

I want you to see
how important this is.

We're talking about
the children.

Yeah, I know we're talking
about the children.

I'll let you know, huh,
Ron? I'll let you know.

All right, Archie,
think it over.

And when you do,
I know you're gonna see
that we're right.

Archie, I'll be getting
back in touch with you.

Meantime, uh, best of luck, Ron.

- Thank you.
- Come on, princess.

Now where are youse two going?

Upstairs.

Yeah, well, wait
a minute. Uh...

Maybe you ought to
go that there, uh...

special class you
was talking about.

You bring me that slip,
I'll sign it again for you.

Really?

I don't believe you're
changing your mind.

Well, you know, she's...

You know, she's older.

Older than Wednesday?

Yes.

Listen, you know what
I always keep telling you:
it's a jungle out there.

- I'm a...
- I'm a man of the world.

There's nothing
I'd love better than to
sit down with the two of youse

and learn youse all
I know about everything.

- But I mean, you seen me.
- Look at this.

I bring the work home.
I'm busy all the time there.

It's supposed to be
a good course.

- Yeah, well, all right.
- But you don't have to

spend too much
time at it, all right?

I mean, you don't have
to get an A in it, you know.

Just make sure that
you don't enjoy it too much.

Well, don't be sitting
there looking at me.

Go on, do something useful.

Thanks.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

When we were in the kitchen,
you were listening.

What are you talking about?
I never listen to nothing.