03x22 - Love Is Hell

[bunniefuu]

Hey, you see this here, Jimmy?

Your boss, Mayor Ed Koch,
he says crime is
going down in the city.

Oh, it's nice to hear
some good news
for a change.

Yeah. Well,
it's good news for us

but, uh, maybe it's bad news
for youse cops, huh?

I mean if you ain't
got a surplus of crime there

maybe youse could get laid off.

They'd never lay Jimmy off.

He's the best
undercover man
I ever met.

And besides, he ain't a bad cop.

Please don't be
saying things like that
around here, will you?

Never reveal
your privates in public.

- Hey, Archie's right!
- Let's discuss our private lives over dinner.

Oh, I can't tonight, Jimmy,
I got an AA meeting.

What? On Friday?

Well, yeah.
It's a new group.
All women.

You know something?
More and more females nowadays
is going on to the sauce.

It's the women's lib
that is driving 'em to it.

- I love it.
- I get a chance to let my hair down

and say a few curse words.

Uh-huh. Listen to this.
Like you never curse
in mixed company, huh?

Whenever Jimmy's here,
she turns over a new leaf.

That's right, Jim.

- Hey.
- Veronica, how about tomorrow night?

Hey, Veronica,
Jimmy wants to know
how about tomorrow night!

I heard, I heard!

Uh, let's talk about it
tomorrow, okay, Jim?

Yeah, sure. Okay.

Hey, am I getting
the freeze here?

Nah, don't pay
no attention to that.

You know women,
don't you, Jimmy?

Sometimes their hermones
gets in the way
of their instinctuals.

Well, anyway,
I gotta get to work.

Yeah! You gotta
go so soon?

Yeah. I've got a big quota
of tickets to deal with.

They put a lieutenant
on traffic duty?

No, it's the annual
precinct picnic.

Uh, how many can I
put you down for?

Well, we usually take 10.

Well, it's bigger this year,
I'll put you down for 15.

The annual precinct picnic
is the precinct stick up.

- Hey, Veronica!
- Open your hatch!

What do you want?

Why can't you be nice
to poor Jimmy there,
he likes you.

Look at him, huh?

Hey, don't give me the face.

That's the nicest guy
you ever went out with.

The only guy who,
when he holds your hand,

he ain't trying
to steal your rings.

I'm nice.
I got an AA meeting.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Well...

You want me to
stay sober, don't you?

Yes, yes.

Then mind your own business!

All right!

Take a picture,
it'll last longer.

What is buggin' you?

- Who are you kiddin'?
- You ain't going to no AA meeting tonight.

What?

You ain't been to
no meetings in a month.

- What are you keepin' track of me for?
- You're not my sponsor!

Well, you're the one
that told me you had to
go to the meetings.

Well, listen.

I don't have to keep
going to those meetings

like I used to go
to those meetings.

I've been dry for a year.

And I ain't never gonna
have another drink
as long as I live.

I don't even think about it.

Well, how come you had
to lie about tonight?

You promise
you won't tell anybody?

Yeah. I swear.

Carmine called me
from Florida,
he's coming in tonight.

- You mean your ex-husband Carmine?
- Yeah.

That no-good, sleazy,
garlic-chewing thief Carmine?

Nobody's perfect.

I thought he was doing time

for selling
Florida cruises
to Haitians.

No, they couldn't convict him.

Why not?

He never had a boat.

Hey, you know, you got
a good thing going with
that lieutenant out there.

I mean, he's crazy for you.

Why do you want to
spend your time

with some bum
who stole
all your money

and once threw you out a window?

Jose, if goin' to AA has
taught me anything,
it's to not hold resentments.

Well, they didn't teach you
you have to be a dummy.

Listen, if it wasn't
for the drinking,

Carmine and me,
we would have had
a beautiful life together.

We had a lot in common.

Yeah. Fuzzy tongues
and double vision?

No, we had fun.
Carmine's not your average
run-of-the-mill guy.

He's got a lot of
excitement, you know,
coursin' through his veins.

I used to call him Buck Rogers

'cause every week
we'd have
a different adventure.

- What's different?
- Always getting blasted into outer space.

Tonight is different.

'Cause you see, tonight
I'm going to pass on
AA's message to Carmine.

When he sees
what sobriety done for me,
he'll jump on the wagon.

I bet he don't
even recognize me.

Good. Maybe he'll go away.

Oh, tonight is
gonna be beautiful.

I know what I'll do.

I'm gonna fix
his favorite dish,
linguine and clams.

Then I'm gonna
sit and talk to him

and tell him
how great it is
being sober.

You know,
not havin' to cover up
for the drinkin'.

No more excuses,
no more feeling guilty,
no more telling lies.

Hey, Veronica, are you sure
you can't work late tonight?

I told you, I got an AA meetin'!

♪ Someday my prince will come

♪ Someday I'll find the one

♪ From the...

Ooh.

Who is it?

Buck Rogers!

Veronica.

Carmine.

- Vee.
- Car.

- Va.
- Ca.

Oh, it's been a long time.

- Oh! Oh, yeah.
- Too long.

- You've grown.
- Huh?

Oh, I forgot.

Hey, I brought you a present.

I know. I'm glad
to see you, too.

That's for later.

This is for now.

Your favorite Scotch.
Old Kilt.

I've already fixed us a drink.

- Oh, terrific!
- Good girl.

Juice of the grape.

Yeah, yeah.

Here's to us.
You betcha.

What's the joke?

It's no joke.
It's sparkling apple juice.

I know what it is.

My ma used to
make me drink it
to keep me regular.

I drink it all the time.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Try bran muffins for breakfast.

I drink it 'cause I like it.

Well, I'm gonna
fix us a real drink.

I wanna talk to you, Carmine.

Sure, babe.
I wanna talk to you.

But first, let's relax
a little bit.

I ain't had a drink in a year.

Then you must really be thirsty.

- You don't understand.
- I quit.

- I can't drink that.
- I'm an alcoholic.

Who fed you that malarkey?

Alcoholics die, they don't quit.

If you ain't had
a drink in a year,

that proves you ain't an alkie.

Now take my Uncle Guido.
He had to have a drink
every minute of the day.

When he died,

they needed
an auxiliary coffin
to bury his liver.

- You want some water?
- No, no. Look.

- Just once, try it my way, okay?
- Let's not drink.

No!

Just 'cause you think
you got a problem,
you ain't gonna lay it on me.

- Oh, come on, Carmine.
- It's your problem, too.

How many jobs have you lost
because of the booze, huh?

How many times
the cops picked you up?

Don't that tell you somethin'?

Yeah.

It tells me I'm unlucky.

Everybody drinks.

It just so happens
when I drink
a little too much,

I get caught.

Now, are we gonna have some fun?

Sure we are.
But I just don't want...

No buts!

You want me to stay?

Oh, yeah!
Oh, boy, I do!
I really do.

You know what I did?

I fixed us linguine and clams.

Okay. Now we can
have some fun.

Here.

You go ahead.
I don't want any.

- Where's my fun-loving baby?
- What happened to my Vee?

Hey, I'm still here.

I just don't drink no more.
I told you, I'm an alcoholic.

I'll prove
you ain't no alcoholic.

- Have a drink.
- One drink.

I can't have one drink!

- Sure you can.
- 'Cause I ain't gonna let you have another.

Then we'll have a nice dinner

and I brought you
your favorite dessert.

I... I don't know,
Carmine. I...

You gonna let me drink alone?

One drink. Look.

Would I do anything
to hurt you? Would I?

Here's to us.

And a new beginning.

Come on, Vee.

That's my baby.

Now we can have some fun, eh?

Sure, sure.

Br

Brea

Breath

Breathe

Breathe in

Breathe in a

Breathe in and

Breathe in and o

Breathe in and out

Breathe in and out.

- Breathe in and out.
- An

- Breathe in and out.
- And

- Breathe in and out.
- And in

- Breathe in and out.
- And in a

- Breathe in and out.
- And in and

- Breathe in and out.
- And in and o

- Breathe in and out.
- And in and out

- Breathe in and out.
- And in and out.

- Breathe in and out.
- And in and out. An

- Breathe in and out.
- And in and out. And

- Breathe in and out.
- And in and out. And st

- Breathe in and out.
- And in and out. And stop

- Breathe in and out.
- And in and out. And stop.

Now wasn't that
a wonderful way
to wake up?

All right, open your eyes
and face the day.

Oh, it's a beautiful morning!

The sun is shining
and the birds are singing.

Aren't you glad you're alive?

Okay, now,
on your feet,
come on.

Let's stretch!

Okay, higher, higher.

Touch the skies, come on.

And rest.

All right.
Let's jog in place.
Come on.

- One, two, three, four.
- One, two, three, four.

- Come on. Come on.
- Faster.

- One, two, three, four.
- One, two, three, four.

And rest.

Okay...

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy.

Ooh!

Okay.

All right.

Just fixin' breakfast.

We must've had
a great time last night.

Where's your booze?

There isn't any.

What kind of a hostess
are you, anyway?
You knew I was coming over!

- Don't yell at me.
- I feel terrible.

We just need
some hair of the dog.

Wait, wait, wait.

Now, if only we wasn't
too greedy last night.

Isn't that beautiful, babe?

My old Army training
comes in handy.

Never go out on bivouac
without an extra canteen.

This is gonna make you
feel real good, babe.
It'll line your stomach.

It's just eggnog.

I'm tellin' you,
this is gonna
fix you up fine.

I wish you would listen to me.

I listened to you last night.

I feel like hell.

Hey, what were you
gonna serve
for dessert last night?

Cheese cake.

Perfect!

We got it made.

It'll make
your blood sugar
go higher.

Oh!
Graham cr*cker crust.

- Oh, please don't.
- Don't describe it.

Just what the doctor ordered.

We didn't eat dinner.

We're gonna eat dinner for lunch

and right now,
we're gonna have
dessert for breakfast.

We're two crazy people.

Mmm. This is good.

What the hell did I do?

- Jeez!
- We both partied.

Whoo!

I didn't have a drink
for a whole year.

You sure made up
for it last night, babe.
You were a kick.

A whole year!

Don't you understand
what that means?

Sure. Twelve dry,
miserable months.

And you made up for it.

I was proud of those months.

I loved my sobriety.

I even liked myself.

When I got up in the morning,

I wasn't afraid
to look in the mirror.

Do yourself a favor.
Skip the mirror bit today.

You deliberately got me drunk!

Could anybody have stopped you?

Are you gonna eat that?

No.

Good.

We were supposed to have
a beautiful evening.

We did.
We had a great time.

You were terrific, babe!

- At what?
- We didn't do nothing.

Hey, don't blame me.

A couple of drinks,
you're laid out,
face-flat in the antipasto.

Not a sight to raise my pulse.

Oh, it's my fault
that nothing happened?

Okay, it's my fault.

A woman passes out on me,
I don't make advances.

What do you think I am,
some kind of an animal?

Come on.
This ain't the first time.

Nothing happened.

- That's a lie.
- Nah.

When was I ever with you
that nothing happened?

- Only every time you got drunk.
- Which was every time.

I was only
keeping you company, babe.

Hey, lighten up, hon.

You know the old saying.

Once a drunk...

That's not true!

- Yes, it is.
- No.

Look at you.

I quit drinking!

You didn't quit,

you just stopped for a while.

When I called you
and you said,
"Sure, come on over,"

you knew exactly
what was gonna happen.

I didn't know we were
gonna get drunk!

Yes, you did.

We never did anything else.

Goodbye, Carmine.

What do you mean goodbye?

Hey, I mean goodbye, you know.

If this was your place,
I'd leave.

I live here so, arrivederci.

Okay.

If that's the way you want it.

Are we gonna have
dinner again sometime?

Come on, Carmine,
we never eat dinner,
remember?

- How about lunch?
- Carmine.

Baby, you're not
mad at me, are you?

No. I ain't mad at you.

Swell, that's swell!

Twelve rings here.

There goes 13.
What's the use?

- Try again.
- She might be dead.

Don't say that, Jose.
For God sakes
she ain't dead.

And listen,

suppose she was dead,
she'd still be
wasting my time

'cause she'd let that thing
ring forever anyway.

Please, boss, one more time.

No! This is the second time
I called her up.

I can't go on that way,
I got work to do.

So have you!

Okay, I think
I'll take my break now.

Oh, no, wait...
Wait a minute.
You don't get no breaks.

Everybody in this country
gets a break.

Jose, you got your break
when I hired you.

You step outside the door,
I'm gonna fire you.

Okay, I'm fired.

Morning, Jose, Harry.

- Hi, Veronica.
- Hi, Arch.

Oh, look at this.

Ain't this some crust here,
waltzing in 45 minutes late?

- You gonna yell?
- Yeah, sit here.

Put it in a letter,
I'll read it on my break.

How do you like this?

The way labor
talks to management,

like we were
a bunch of Filipinos.

- This is a disgrace here!
- This is a disgrace here!

Look at this over here.
You want to
take your break now?

Nah, I'll take it tomorrow.

Well, do I get some kind
of an apology here?

Huh?

That's my apology.

Well, you see, you gotta
scare these people

if you wanna
keep them into line.

Why are you always
lookin' at me?

Well, for one thing,
there ain't no view
of the river from here.

Hey, I'm just trying
to see how you feel.

So ask!

Okay. How do you feel?

I feel like hell!
Can't you tell by lookin'?

Can I do anything?

Yeah! You can
leave me alone.

I'm sorry.
Hey, Jose, I'm sorry.

I really look bad?

No, not bad, just green.

What am I gonna do?

Well, one thing,
you can comb your hair,
put on some lipstick.

Nice big smile would be good.

I got nothin' to smile about!

Aw, sure, you do.

Don't be dopey.

Do you know
what I done last night?

Uh-uh. I don't wanna hear
none of your savageries.

Listen to me,
I wanna tell you
what happened...

Hey, hey, hey.
It ain't my business.
It ain't nobody's business.

So why do I feel like
I gotta go to confession?

Go to Padre Gonzales
at Saint Mary's.

He don't understand English.

That's right.
It ain't his business either.

You're right.

The only person
I gotta make peace with
is me.

I don't have to tell
nobody nothin'.

Oh, Jimmy,
I wanna tell you
everything.

I done a terrible thing
last night,

and you just gotta listen to me.

Hey, um, I'm gonna go
clean up the storeroom.

You guys let me know
when I'm finished.

What's the matter?

You gotta listen to me now.

I'm listenin'.

I can't tell you.
You're gonna hate me.

- I won't hate you.
- Baby, what's the matter?

You will hate me.

I'm rotten,
I'm no good.
I just...

I don't deserve you.
Just leave.

Okay.

Don't leave.

I done a terrible thing
last night.

Two terrible things.

Almost three, but he got drunk.

He? Who's he?

Carmine.

My ex-husband.

I didn't go to
any AA meetin' last night.

I saw Carmine,

and I got drunk.

- Hey, come on.
- Take it easy.

Didn't you hear
what I said?
I got drunk.

I heard you.

Boy,
did I sell myself
a bill of goods.

I kept telling myself
I was trying
to save Carmine.

But all I really wanted
was to get back
on the sauce again.

Last night
I put a whole year
down the drain!

No.

No, not necessarily.

The important thing
is what you're
gonna do today.

You know somethin'?

You're a terrific guy.

Haven't I been trying
to tell you that?

Yeah.

You know, my friends
at AA were right.

There's no cure
for the disease I got.

I always thought I knew that.

I guess I needed last night
to prove it.

- Tell you what.
- Why don't you have dinner with me tonight?

I can't.
I got a meetin'.

Hey, that's swell.

But it's over
at 8:30.

That's even better.

Hey, Veronica.

If you don't work late tonight,

this place is gonna fall apart.

I got an AA meetin'.

Oh, okay.

No, she can't work late, Harry.

She's gotta go to an AA meetin'.

Another one?

Oh, yeah.

They gotta keep
goin' to them meetin's,
you know.

Because you know,
the first rule of AA

is you can't have
no fun no more, see.

So they all gotta go
to them meetin's

and tell each other
all about the fun
that they used to have.

But don't you think
she looks a little
under the weather today?

- Well, yeah.
- But that wasn't the booze.

No, you know what that was?
Hermones.

Oh, hey, listen.

If she ever so much
as dreamt of
crackin' a bottle again,

old eagle eye here
will be the first to know.

Yeah. I got a sixth sense
about them things.