03x25 - Billie Moves Out

[bunniefuu]

In

Okay, and then what?

So then I told my little boss,

if you don't like
the way I work,

get somebody else, dumbbell.

Oh, no, Manuel.
What did your boss do then?

- Nothing.
- I told him in Spanish.

Hey, you know,
it could be worse.

I mean, at least your boss
don't fire you every day, huh?

You ain't seen my guy.

When it comes
to terrible bosses,

he's the lightweight champion.

Uh-oh. Here comes
the heavyweight champion.

- Archie: Hiya, Harry.
- Hi, Arch.

Hey, you know,
I just got
a flash, everybody.

I would say that
between Jose and Raoul,

we got three
Spanish guys in here.

How do you know?

Well, because parked
at the curb is a purple car

with very furry cushions
and a plastic Jesus. Right?

That's right.
That's my main ride.

Oh, yeah.
How nice to see you.
Goodbye forever.

Come here, Raoul.

- How many times I tell you.
- You can't be inviting your amigos around.

Manuel was not invited.
We ask him to come here.

- Back to work, huh?
- Okay, boss.

Okay, everybody, huh?

He's not my boss.

Yeah, yeah, adios there,
whoever you are.

Oh, what a hostile guy.

Why does it bother you
if they ask their friends
to drop by?

Harry, we can't have
this place turning

into a ren-dez-voose
for w*tbacks.

Morning, everybody.

- Harry: Hi, Katherine.
- Hi, Harry.

- Hi, hi.
- Hi, hi.

Hi. Gee, how nice.
I didn't expect
to see you till tomorrow.

- I know.
- But I saw this tie, and I had to bring it right over.

A tie for me?

Oh, it's gonna look gorgeous

when you come to dinner
in your gray suit.

Well, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

What, I gotta wear a tie
just to come to dinner
in your apartment, there?

Well, everybody's
looking forward
to meeting you.

Oh, oh...
What do you mean everybody?

- My mother, my father, my brother.
- They wanna meet you.

Why would anybody wanna meet me?

- 'Cause I told them all about you.
- -Oh.

- Look, I gotta run.
- I'll be back at 1:00.

I'm meeting my brother,
John, here.

I want you
to meet him first, okay?

- Yeah, yeah.
- All right. Yeah.

Okay. Fine.

- Yeah, so long.
- Aw, jeez. A tie.

So, you're gonna meet
her family, huh?

Yeah, well, yeah.
No big deal, you know.

- That's terrific.
- Yeah.

What's terrific?

Katharine's family's in town
to take a look at Archie.

Don't be broadcasting it
to the world, huh?

Just to Harry.

They're coming
to look you over, huh?

Shut up, Harry.

Hey, what's so funny?

Katherine's family's
coming to give Archie
the once-over.

Jose: Why?

I guess they wanna see
if he's good enough
for their daughter.

Hey, hey, I'm warning
you there, Jose.

Raoul, now don't laugh.

Yeah, now these ones
is okay, see.

But don't be buying
no more of them bombs
from 112th Street.

You gotta understand,
everybody in New York
has got high blood pressure.

Does he know what I'm saying?

- He knows.
- He knows.

Hey, Arch.

Archie: Yeah?

Gentleman here to see you.

Oh, yeah, hey.
I'll be right out,
I'll be right out.

I gotta see a guy
out here, cool it
on the Spanish, huh?

Inmigracion?

No, no, this week,
they're after the ch*nk.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
How are you doing?
Glad to see you.

You must be John, huh?

That's right, how'd you know?

Well, your sister told me
all about you, there.

- Arch...
- -Her and me's been keeping company, you know,

like for the last six months.

Arch, this is...

Hey, Harry, did you
give John a drink?

Are you sure you're
talking about my sister?

Hey. About that high,
beautiful dark hair and eyes,

shapely, there,
beautiful smile,
personality.

- Yeah, that sounds like
my sister, all right.
- Sure. Sure.

But she's a Carmelite nun
in Kansas City.

- I ain't been going around with no nun.
- Who the hell are you?

I'm John Calamari.
From Baker, Benton
and Stockford.

- The guy's a distributor.
- Why are you pushing a distributor on me?

Harry, can I have
a glass of sangria?

- Uh, Archie.
- Yeah.

There's a Mr. Hernandez
here to see you. Over there.

Gee, this is my day
for border patrol, all right.

- Uh, hey, Pancho.
- If you're looking for kitchen work,

I already got
two of youse guys out there.

- I'm not looking for a job.
- I'm here to meet someone.

Oh, well, listen,
if you're thinking of doing
some numbers business,

we don't allow that in here.

No, it's someone I know.

- Oh, you know.
- This again, here we go.

Raoul. Jose.

Yeah, what do you want, boss?

I told you, no more friends
hanging around the bar.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Well, tell him.

No more friend hang around bar.

Not him. Him.

No more friend hang around bar.

Boss, I never seen him
in my life.

Well, then who is
this little man?

- John.
- Cookie.

Baby.

- Did you introduce yourself?
- -To who?

- To Archie.
- Archie Bunker, this is my brother, John Hernandez.

This is your brother?

This is the guy?

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing. I mean,
I just didn't expect
a man that looked like...

You know,
not from the way
you described him.

I didn't describe him.

Oh, well, that's what
threw me off.

Bunker seemed to think
I was running numbers.

Oh, I'm awful sorry
about that, see,

but I mean,
I had to throw a lot of these
numbers runners out of here.

- Ah.
- -And except for two colored guys,

they all look just like you.

I see.

It's been nice meeting you.

You just got here.

- Yeah, I know.
- But I feel a big headache coming on.

Oh, boy.

A big fat one.

- Oh, God.
- I'll get a cab.

Oh, Archie, come here, sit down.

Yeah.

What is the matter with you?
What are you making an enemy
out of my brother for?

I ain't making...
Hey, we're getting along
good here, I think,

except, well, you know,
I just didn't...

figure him, your brother,
a little Puerto Rican guy,
you know what I mean?

Archie, didn't you know
I was Puerto Rican?

- Well, how the hell was I supposed to know?
- You never said nothing.

Well,
what am I supposed to do?
Say, "Hi, I'm Puerto Rican"?

Yeah. But not so loud.

You can certainly
keep it quiet,
but not with me.

Why do I like you?

Because I'm nuts about you.

Hey, Katherine, be reasonable.
Look, I know your name
is Logan, right?

But I see this other guy
comes in here
and his name is Hernandez.

- It's simple.
- It's simple.

I married a guy named Logan
and my brother didn't, okay?

But, yeah, I can follow that.
But, I mean, still,
it's...

- Cookie.
- The cab's here.

Okay.

Okay. I gotta go now.

Jeez, you're always going...

All right...

We'll see you
tomorrow night
for dinner, okay?

Yeah, tomorrow night...

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, John, very nice to meet you,

and I'm sure we'll be
seeing ya again
right after...

Hernandez. Hey,
my mother had cousins
name of Hernandez.

- Hey, mine, too.
- Yeah.

Hey, boss, you know,
if this works out for you,
maybe we'll all be related.

m

M a

m a li

m a litt

m a little

m a little l

m a little lat

m a little late

m a little late no

m a little late now.

Ah, if there's an emergency,
you need me here,
you know, call.

And I'll try to get right home.

You know where the number is?

I saw her number in the book.

- Yeah, yeah, that's right.
- Okay, huh?

- We'll survive.
- Just have a good time.

Uh, okay.

You look handsome.

Oh, do I, yeah? Huh.

What do you think of that tie?

It's a brilliant choice.

- Yeah, it's nice, huh?
- You know who picked it out, huh?

- Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah.

You nervous?

Nah, what do I got
to be nervous about?

Hey, nowadays you gotta
sit down with all kind,
you know?

God knows our own
kind is dying out.

It's like a middle-aged
West Side Story.

West Side Story?

What are you talking about?
That picture I seen with you
here one night?

With all the young guys
trying to sing

while they're getting kicked
in the stomach?

It's a beautiful love story.

What's a love story
about a bunch of crazy f*gs

being let out of the house
to dance in the streets
of New York?

Why is she bringing that up?

Just forget it
and go have
a beautiful evening.

Yeah.
Yeah, that's right, huh?

A lot of speedy chatter
and fiery food.

Archie, be careful tonight.

Hey, I ain't taking no chances.

I got my Pepto-Bismol
tablets right here.

I'm talking about
what happened yesterday
with Katherine's brother.

Oh, that...

Well, that's just
a simple mistake that
any dope would make, you know?

Listen,
when I start turning
on the charm there,

them Puerto Rican people
are gonna know exactly
the kind of man I am.

And what's that?

A man for all people.

Huh?

Good night.

Don't I get no kiss goodnight?

Well, all right, now...

Be sure to lock the back door
as well as the front.

Put the chain on here, huh?
Close all the windows.
This is New York.

He doesn't really mean
what he says, John.

You have to try
to understand him.

Oh, I understand him.

The man's a boob.

Dad, would you talk to John?

Continue, John.

The man's crude.

He got his culture
from the back of
a cereal box.

You said the same thing
about Frank.

I never said Frank was a boob.

Frank was a bum.

You never did like the men
she went out with.

That's right.

But you did, didn't you, Mom?

No.

But you promised
you're gonna like this one.

We'll see.

We liked Ricardo Garcia.

Ah, one of the most
boring human beings
I ever met.

Only because he was so quiet.

But he wore beautiful shoes.

He was a snore.

What do you talk about
with a man who manufactures
hamster wheels?

His bank account.

Pet products are
a million dollar business.

Dad, you only liked him
'cause he was Puerto Rican.

- Ricardo?
- He was Puerto Rican?

I never even noticed.

Okay, there he is.
Uh, be nice.

Nice? I am always nice.

- Hi, Archie.
- Hiya there, Katherine.

- Come on in.
- Hi. Yeah.

Not in front of
the old folks there, huh?

Good thinking.

Uh, everybody,
this is Archie Bunker.

Well. Yeah, good evening,
everybody there,

or as youse people say
in your own language,
Bonas Aires.

Archie,
these are my parents,
Rita and James Hernandez.

Oh, hey, Rita and James, huh?
Youse took American names.
That's a step forward.

Don't get up there, nobody,
I mean, I know

how youse people
like to sprawl around
towards the end of the day.

And you obviously like to eat.

Oh, yeah, sure, what do we got?

And you know John.

Oh, yeah, sure, I know...
Hey, John, how's the headache?

Coming back.

You oughta see
one of them
chiroproctologists.

- I'll get dinner, okay?
- Why don't you relax, take it easy?

And you don't have to
talk too much, okay?

Oh, yeah, okay, sure.

Sit down, Mr. Bunker.

Oh, yes, I will, right away,
but first I gotta show you
this gift I brung youse here.

- See this here?
- This is tequila, there.

Bunker, for your information,
tequila is a Mexican drink.

Oh, well, Puerto Rico,
you know, Mexico,
it's all the same,

except for the fence
in the middle, huh?

Dinner's ready.

I lost my appetite.

- Dad, at the head of the table.
- Mom, sit over here.

Katherine,
that's what I love
about Spanish people.

You know, all the speedy
chatter going on.

Everybody dig in, okay?

Yeah, yeah,
can I help myself here, huh?

Yes, oh, taste that.

- This looks terrific here.
-You're gonna love it.
My mother made that.

I'll take
a quick taste of it,
huh, Katherine?

- Yeah.
- It's delicious.

Gee, that's delicious,
you know that?

This might be the most
delicious foreign food
that I ever ate.

What do you call this here, Ma?

Steak.

Steak?

- You gotta be kidding.
- What do you think of that?

Steak. That proves
what I always say.

No matter where you go
around the world,

the most intelligent people,
they always know
the right things to eat.

How would you know, Bunker?

Oh, you might not know
by looking at me,

but I'm one of them
people, too.
I know what's the best.

Now, for instance,
I was looking at
your suit, there, you know.

That's a beautiful suit,
cost a lot of dough,
I can tell, eh?

What do you work at, pop?

I...

I used to work in a bank,
I'm retired now.

h*, h*, h*, h*.
A bank.

You oughta be
very proud of your father,
working in a bank. Eh.

Hey, lemme ask you
something there.

When you retired from that job,

did they let you
keep your uniform?

Vice presidents
don't have uniforms.

Oh, oh, hey, pardon you, me.
Vice president there.

Aw, come on,
it must've been
in Puerto Rico, though, huh?

Broad Street, Philadelphia.

You are absolutely obtuse.

Yes indeed,
I read everything
I can get my hands on.

Hey, John, what about you?
What do you do?

I'm a PR man.

I know, but what do you do
for a living?

It's public relations.

Oh, public relations.

That is a very good thing
for a Puerto Rican guy
to be in.

'Cause your people
need all of that
you can get.

It's true, Katherine.

I mean, I wouldn't
say that for the world
to hear, you know,

but I can say that
inside the family, right?

Archie, why don't you
eat something, okay?

- We're having a nice conversation.
- If I eat, I can't talk.

I know.

- You seem to know a lot about, um, our people, Mr.
- Bunker.

Oh, yeah, hey,
I see Puerto Ricans
all the time.

I know them very well, there.

Some of my best friends,
you know, they're
Puerto Rican...

or what you'd call
in the Puerto Rican
condition, there, see?

Really?

Yes, yes.

In fact, I just come
from two of them, you know?

Very good friends of mine.

Well, I mean,
you know them, John.
Raoul and Jose.

- What do you mean friends?
- Those guys are your kitchen help.

Well, that's true.
But I think a lot
of them guys,

I give them their start here
in this country, you know?

You know, Ma,
they're illegals, see.

But I treat them just like
they deserve to live.

Excuse me.

Archie, why are you
saying these things?

Listen, I forgot to tell ya.

I own this bar
and restaurant, see,
do pretty well myself.

It's over there in Astoria.
And anybody can go in there
and enjoy himself.

I mean, all colors, all races.

Hey, well, John was in there.

- I'm sorry.
- I can't listen to anymore of this.

- John, please.
- I'm sorry.

But the man is un idiota.

Geez, it sounds like
he called me an idiot, huh?

He did.

- People can't control the way they were born, Mr.
- Bunker.

But you, Katherine,
you can control
who you go out with.

This gringo is the most
ignorant man I've ever met.

Hey, hey, I mean, uh,
what the hell
is the matter here?

Bunker, we didn't come
all the way from Philadelphia
to be insulted.

Hey, I never
knocked Philadelphia.

Mom, will you do
something about this?

I can't, dear.

- Why not?
- -'Cause I don't like him either, dear.

What did she say?

She said, "I don't like
him either, dear."

This is not gonna work.
This is just not gonna work.

Why don't we end
the evening before
it gets any worse?

Well, wait a minute.
I think this evening could
still be saved here, you know.

It's only
a question of attitude.

Arch. Archie,
will you please go home?
I'll call you later, okay?

Okay, okay.

Yeah, I mean...

I don't wanna hang around
no place that I ain't wanted.
I'll tell you that.

And I'll tell you
something else.

My feelings is a little hurt,
Katherine.

And I ain't gonna
wanna come and visit
your family no more.

You know something, Bunker?

What's that, John?

You're the best argument
I know for Puerto Rican
independence.

Well, it's too late
to apologize now, John.

Now, you didn't say
anything to upset them?

I told you, nothing, nothing.
I was at my politest there.

All I was trying
to do was to
build them people up.

I get the picture.

Well, the picture is this.

You simply can't win
with them people.

I'll get that.

What if Katharine heard that?

- She ain't gonna hear it.
- I'd only say it behind her back.

This is ending
just like the movie.

What do you mean by that?

- Don't answer.
- It might be a g*ng wanting to rumble.

Will you keep your mind
off them rotten movies?

Oh, hi there, Katherine.

Uh, you didn't bring nobody
with you, did you?

No, I just drove them
to the station.

Oh, that's swell.
Hey, come on in, come on.

Careful. I got the girls
with me here.

Hi, Billie. Hi, Stephanie.

Hi.

Ah, girls, say hello
to Katherine here.

- We did.
- We did.

Archie, I want to talk
to you, alone.

Oh, yeah, you could
leave, girls, huh?

Let me take your coat.
Stephanie, hurry up, please.

And, uh, be sure and
close your bedroom door
up there, huh, dear?

I know why you come over.

Why did I come over?

Listen, you don't have
to say you're sorry.

- You got nothing to be sorry for.
- You didn't do nothing.

It's your family,
they oughta be here
to apologize.

And I certainly do
hope they're sorry
for what they done.

No, they're not sorry.

- How could you speak to them like that?
- You were outrageous.

- Me, outrageous?
- Yes.

Saying we sprawl around
at the end of the day,
that we don't work.

How could you say such things?

Them things don't mean nothing.

Jeez, I ain't the only one
that says them things.

I been hearing them things
ever since I was this height.

Hey, you oughta be talking
to your old man, there.

Him looking down his nose
at me 'cause he happens
to work in a bank.

And what about
calling me a gringo?

Hey, there's a racial shot
if I ever heard one.

He's just as bad as you are,
but that is not the point.

Well, what is the point?

You gotta change.

I gotta...
I don't know what the hell
you're talking about.

I gotta...
I gotta change? How?

You gotta walk out
that door every day,

and you gotta really look
at all the people you meet
in the street,

no matter who the hell they are.

And you gotta say
they are just as good
as you are.

You gotta be kidding.

You want me to walk out
that door and go up to
everybody I see in the street,

and say, "Hey,
you're as good as me,
you're as good as me.

Hey, you too, buddy,
you're as good as me."

Come on,
what are you talking about?

That's the craziest thing
I ever heard.

Well, maybe guys like you
gotta do crazy things
like that.

For what?

For me.

Because I care for you,
and I wanna be with you.

But I can't be with you
the way you are.

Well, well, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

Gee, don't be running away.
Put your stuff down here. Gee.

Don't let's get into this thing.

We got such
a good thing going.
I don't wanna spoil nothing.

Well, I don't wanna
"sperl" nothing neither.

Well, I mean,
whatever you want me to do...

I don't know
what the hell it is.
I mean, I can try.

That's all I ask.

That's all I ask.

Well, uh...

Well, I mean,
maybe I could start with

one person at a time, you know?

But, gee, don't hit me
with a whole family.

And I certainly
ain't gonna do that
out in the streets.

What are you doing,
crying or laughing here?

I just had the silliest thought.

What?

It's too silly.

Well, tell me. What?

This whole thing reminds me
of West Side Story, you kno.

- Oh, you mean that movie, there...
- -Yeah.

Oh, hey, one of the most
beautifulest pictures
I ever seen.

What a love story, there.

- Terrific.
- Hey, hey, hey, that reminds me.

You wanna rumble, huh?

- Wait a minute.
- The girls is upstairs.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah,
that's right.

Oh, God.

You know something?

No.

There'd be a lot more love
if it wasn't for families.