03x29 - Gloria: The First Day

[bunniefuu]

You know, Arch,
we really lose
the young crowd

- when Billie's off.
- She's got quite a following.

What are you talking
about, following?

That bunch of d*adbeats.

Jeez, Harry, can't you tell
the wheat from the chaff?

- I can.
- I can, and here comes the chaff now.

Hey, inn-keeper,

did anyone ever tell you
what exquisite taste
you've got in clothes?

No, they didn't, Barney.

Well, I'm here
to do it right now.

Take that weskit, for instance.

- I love it.
- It's very natty.

- Yes, indeed.
- What material is that made of?

Cloth, I think.

How unique.

Come on, Barney,
what do you want?

Five hundred.

Forget it.

Arch, I'm broke.

Rusty's been eating
plain wrap kibble.

And to tell you the truth,

I've been taking
long looks at
that kibble myself.

Well, if you start
eating it, Barney,
you stay off of my lawn.

Harry, can you let me
have a little something?

Yeah, Barney, some free advice.

Get rid of your house.
It's too expensive
for one person to carry.

Or do what Edith and me did

- when Gloria and the meathead moved out.
- Take in a lodger.

Oh, I don't know.

Harry: Hey, actually,
that ain't a bad idea.

- It isn't?
- No!

Hey! When will you
accept my ideas

without checking with Harry?

When Harry's not here.

- Not bad.
- Not good, but not bad.

Hey, Mr. Hefner,
where are you, Mr. Hefner?

I'll be right with
you, Mr. Johnson.

- The living room's in here, Mr.
- Snyder, if you walk this way.

What a lovely home
you have here.

Thank you.

It reminds me of...

Mmm.

- It's very nice.
- Here in Astoria it's very remote.

Very relaxing.

Now my family
won't be able to
bother me for money,

and my many, many friends
can't pester me for my advice.

That bedroom,
can I look at
it again?

Help yourself,
Mr. Johnson.

- Well, it's perfect for me.
- The price is right. Deal?

Well, I'm afraid
we'll have to wait
a minute, Mr. Snyder.

You see, Mr. Johnson
was her first.

Archie: Hey,
Barney! Barney!

- That's my neighbor.
- Excuse me.

Yeah. What is it, Arch?

Barney, look alive, will you?

I just seen a colored guy
prowling around your
house here.

Barney: It's not
what you think.

I know what I seen, Barney!

A guy
about this height,
about this wide.

- Yes.
- Strong looking guy with a mean look in his face, there.

He's wearing
a windbreaker,
you know what I mean?

And...

And all together
kind of a good
looking colored guy.

Do you mind, Arch?

This happens
to be Mr. Johnson
who answered my ad.

Mr. Johnson,
this is Archie Bunker,
my neighbor.

Do you always
take black people
for prowlers?

- No, never.
- Especially not during the daytime.

Does he live near here?

704, right across the street.

He's in and out
of here all the time.

Too bad.

Well, I got a whole lot
of places to check out.

Yeah, all right, see you around.

Oh, you will.

But it'll be at night,
when I can see you,

but you can't see me.

What did that mean?

That means you lost him for me.

You'll be happier with me.

You couldn't live with
a guy that gets up
at 2:30 in the morning,

and hates dogs.

Yeah! Sounds like
a criminal, right?

Almost as bad, mailman.

How could you tell?

By the shoes.
Ajax Orthopedics.
$89.95 retail.

How do you know all of this?

Shoes are my life.

Al Snyder, designer,
maker, salesman.

Now semi-retired
from the shoes business.

But very well heeled
I might add.

Hey! Well, I got only one
question for you, there.

Are you a veteran and
a God-fearing Republican?

What else?

Terrific! Then you got
a home here with Barney.

Wait a minute, Arch.
Shouldn't he have
some references?

Ah, hell with references.

- I'll vouch for him personally, there, huh.
- Look at that pleasant face.

I think
I'd rather check
with Harry first.

The hell with Harry!

Okay.

Get over here!

You're in, there,
Mr. What-do-you-call...

- Snyder.
- Yeah, whatever.

Come on, Barney,
shake hands with him.

Once again I saved you.

Well, well,
good morning,
good morning!

Hey, this is gonna
be swell having
a roomie, Mr. Snyder.

Can I call you Al?

No.

- Hey, I see you made the coffee.
- Thanks a lot.

Boy, you sure
are an early riser.

You know I heard
you up there at 4:30
this morning, showering.

I wasn't taking a shower.

I was scrubbing out the tub.

What are you trying to grow
in there, mushrooms?

Oh, I had to let the maid go.

When? During the Depression?

Mr. Snyder,
you're gonna have
to bear with me.

I'm not the man
I was since my wife,
Blanche, left me.

That's her picture
upstairs in the hall.

- Oh, is that who that was?
- -Yeah.

I thought it was
Ernest Borgnine
in a ball gown.

I took it down.

You took it down?

Well, you don't think
I want to look at that thing

every time I go
in and out of
my room, do you?

No. I'm glad
you took it down.

Makes me cry.

Me, too.

Boy, that's some
breakfast you got there
in front of you.

Steak and eggs.

Hey. I think
I'll join you.

I've got a steak
right over here
in the fridge

that I've been saving
for just such an occasion.

You know, I always say to myself

if you have
a hot meal
in the morning,

boy, it never hurts...

What happened to my steak?

I ate it.

You ate my steak?

- I did you a favor.
- It tasted like carpet.

Okay, Snyder,

I can see right now that
we're going to have to lay
down a couple of ground rules.

First, you buy your
food and I buy mine.

Then you keep
your food off my shelf
in the refrigerator.

Anything else?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, yes, yes,
there is one more thing.

Sometimes,
as it works out
occasionally,

I happen
to bring home
a young woman.

Bound and gagged?

I am going
to ignore that
interpolation.

The main point being,

that tonight I expect you
to stay up in your room,

because I am
coming home
with the cutest

most curvaceous
little divorcee
that you ever saw,

and I don't intend
to share her with you,
like I did my steak.

Keep her off my shelf
in the refrigerator.

Don't you dare
ever to take anything
off the walls again

without my permission.

Because after all
I am entitled
to my memories.

Okay, Bernice,
here we go. In, in, in.
Quick, quick, quick.

Save the heat,
so it'll be cozy
and warm later on.

Here it is, Bernice,
just as I promised.

- The Hefner Mansion.
- Sometimes known as Playboy East.

Oh, I guess we'll see
the hot tubs and
the grotto later.

I can see I can't
put anything over
on you, can I?

I shouldn't have come over.

You'll probably think
I'm that kind of girl.

- Oh, no, doll.
- I would never think that.

Why not?

Because I never think.

As long as you're still
standing, I'm watching TV.

My lodger. Bernice,
give me a moment.

And please, please, honey,
don't let your ardor wane.

- My what?
- Snyder, a word.

I wanna entertain.

- You wanna entertain?
- Entertain!

Doesn't this room seem
a little crowded to you
for entertainment?

What are you planning,
an ice show?

Barney, I'm feeling uneasy.

There's no need, Bernice.

Are we going to be alone?

- Yes!
- No!

Well, I never!

- You never?
- Who are you kidding?

Butt out, Snyder.

Barney, while the cabs are
still running, I'm leaving.

Spend the rest
of the evening
with Godzilla.

- Wait!
- Please, Bernice, think it over.

Barney, I really hate you.

Don't leave, Bernice,
you'll be sorry!

All right, Snyder.
We're going to settle
this right now.

First things first.

- Just a minute.
- That's one of my hankies.

- Who cares?
- I care.

All of my hankies are plaid.

Did you think that
I would be stupid enough
not to notice that?

Please, I'm watching the
history of marine life.

Not only that,
you're wearing
my bathrobe.

You want it, take it.

- I'll freeze to death!
- I have a virus.

And I also have
heart palpitations,

but that'll help me
pump the poison through
my system even faster.

I'm going to ignore
all that, Snyder.

As a matter of fact,
from now on, I'm going
to ignore you completely.

- Where is Rusty?
- Where is Rusty?

Rusty is supposed
to be right here
on his chair.

Rusty is
down in the cellar,
sleeping on a spring.

You put Rusty in the cellar?

Hey, I'm fighting off
three diseases.

Do I need ticks and fleas?

Crabs. Again, crabs.
That's all they keep
showing, is crabs.

Look, Snyder,
this is not
gonna workout.

I'm afraid I'm going
to have to ask you
to leave. I'm sorry.

- Why be sorry?
- I'm not going anywhere, Barney.

I expect you to be out
of this house the first
thing tomorrow morning.

Barney, I have
a rental agreement.

Do you mean to tell me
that I can't throw you
out of my own house?

Barney.

- Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney.
- Barney, trust me.

I've been
through this with a lot
of miserable landlords.

We're gonna be
together a long time.

You, me,
and the fleabag
in the cellar.

It's after midnight, jeez.

Whoever's out there,
you better be
bleeding to death

or you're gonna be sorry.

Barney:
It's me, Arch.

What the hell?

Can we sleep with you?

What happened?

Morning.

Good morning.

I suppose you know
Barney's here?

Yeah, I know he's here.

I came out
of the bathroom,
and there he was.

Scared me half to death.

Aw, jeez!

Archie, did you know
that Barney's upstairs
shaving in the bathroom?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Is the john
in the basement
working?

No, no, no.

I'm out of the bathroom.

All right. Go, go, go!

I'm sorry about your
electric razor, Arch.

What?

Well, Billie startled me
while I was shaving, and I
dropped it in the toilet.

Oh, Lord.

Before you plug it in again,
I'd wear rubber shoes.

- Barney.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

- Hey, look at this.
- Give me back my bathrobe.

What, and sit in front
of the child
in my PJs?

I still have a sense of...

Well, whatever
that is, Barney,
take it for a walk, huh?

I mean, go on home.

I can't.
I can't stand being in
the house with that guy.

Pretends to be sick.

Wears my clothes,
destroys my social life.

And on top of all that,
he's the rudest person
I ever met.

- Make him leave.
- Hmm.

I can't do it
without long and costly
legal maneuvers.

You should've checked
his references.

- Yes, you dope.
- Why didn't you check his references?

Why did you rent to him
in the first place?

Because he told me to.

I figured you
were mixed up
in this.

All right, all right,
that's all passed.
Now, let's get down to this.

Now listen, Barney,
you and me
is very old friends,

and you know you and me,
we get along, see?

Now, there ain't
no reason why two
grown up intelligent men

can't live together in harmony.

Gee, thanks, Arch.

But before I move in here,
I think we ought to lay down
a few ground rules.

You see the way
this guy's mind works?!

Let me
tell you something,
Barney Hefner,

you ain't never moving in here!

Now come on, get up
out of there, we're going
over to your house.

- Take your coat.
- It's warm out.

And I'm gonna force you
and what's his name there...

- Snyder.
- Whatever!

I'm going to force
the two of youse to learn
how to live together.

I hate that guy.

Archie: Well, get religious.
Learn to love with the hate.

Archie: My God,
it's freezing out!

- And here's our second contestant, Mrs.
- Marilyn Carson.

Tell us about yourself, Marilyn.

- What's to tell?
- She's an imbecile.

Well,
I'm a 26-year-old housewife
with six children

and one on the way.

She's also a nymphomaniac.

Do you have any hobbies?

- We know her hobby.
- Let's start the game.

Hey, Snyder,
we wanna talk to you.

- Where you been?
- We're out of milk.

What did I tell you, Arch?

Eats my food, wears my clothes.

Oh, by the way, Barney,
go out and get me
some bicarb, huh?

I've got indigestion
from that left-over
meatloaf of yours.

It's k*lling me.

All right, Barney,
let me handle this, huh?
Go to your room.

- What for?
- To change. Go on.

- All right.
- -Bring me back that bathrobe.

Now, look, listen there,
what do you call...

You and me's gotta have a talk.

- Hey, I don't wanna talk.
- Take a hike!

Don't tell me
to take a hike,
I ain't going nowheres.

- Hey, I'm not supposed to have stress.
- You understand?

Stress made me the way I am.

- That's why I have to keep moving.
- I'm a refugee from stress.

All right, all right.
I'm just here to tell you

that you're gonna
have to get along
with my friend, Barney.

Why?

I've rented over 100 rooms
and I didn't get
along with anybody.

But, pal, you're driving
my poor friend so insane

that he wants to live with me.

You're starting to give me
the palpitations,
you hear me?

- You're giving me palpitations.
- You know that?

- Barney: Arch!
- What?

- Mr.
- Snyder pulled a big piece of wallpaper off the bathroom wall!

Did you do that?

I had to.

I couldn't sit in there
staring at ducks.

And besides, I'm not supposed
to get nervous in the toilet.

Well, I don't think anybody's

supposed to get nervous
in the toilet, you know?

But you don't do that.

I mean, I had to sit
up there one time there,

staring at that,
but I didn't tear
the paper off of the wall.

What did you do?

Well, I just tried to picture
a bunch of guys with shotguns
k*lling the ducks.

You see what
I'm trying to tell you?

What you're trying
to tell me is that
you're a violent man

who sits in toilets
and gets sick
fantasies about ducks.

Hey! Wait a minute!

- Hey, don't yell!
- I can't take any yelling.

But you're giving me
no choice but to yell.

You always choose to yell.

You're a real textbook case.

You always on the scene
whenever there's
a world disaster.

I hardly ever leave Queens.

- And you're also a violent intruder.
- That's what you are.

A violent intruder...

In human affairs.

And... and you follow me
all over the world.

I just met you.

The pill is working.

- I'm calmer now.
- I'm calmer.

Thank you, pill, thank you.

Now if I can
just stop talking
to this man,

the pain will
go away completely.

Are you feeling
all right, Mr. Snyder?

You can call me Al, Barney.

Try it out for a while
and see how it works.

Should I run out
and get you some
bicarb, Al?

It's not working.

You better go back
to calling me Mr. Snyder.

No, I'm okay, Barney.

I'm just relaxing.

I need a nap.

When I wake up,
I'll give you
your robe back.

You can cut it in two,

and use one half
for a bed for your dog,

use the other half
to clean out your
dirty oven.

Make him leave, Arch.

Barney, let me handle this.

No, I got a suggestion, pal.

There's a customer
down at my bar, see,
he rents out rooms.

They're very lovely rooms.
They're over in Greenpoint.

- Greenpoint?
- Yeah.

Greenpoint was always a dump.

Don't say that.
My little grandma used to
live over in Greenpoint.

My grandmother
lived in Bushwick.

What a place.

Mansions on both
sides of the avenue.

People, all dressed up.

New shoes, some hand-made.

Pop's factory was always busy.

We were all together then.

We used to stroll.

Nobody strolls now.

The trees.

What trees!

The flowers in the flower beds.

Why do
I keep seeing
ducks strolling?

Nah.

It's gotta be wrong.

Why do I...

I keep seeing ducks.

Boy, Arch.

That's what I need.

A pill to make me sleep

and bring back
wonderful old memories.

It ain't the pill, Barney.

And he ain't asleep.

This here man just died.

Died?

Oh, no!

Right here in my house?

It's gonna come as
a shock to him, too, Barney.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know
what the hell to do,

except go over and
call the emergency.

Jeez, and I wanted to evict him.

I told him
he had to be out of here
by tomorrow morning.

- Cheer up, Barney.
- These guys'll have him out of here in an hour.

The man is dead,

here in my house, in my chair.

In my robe!

You know what
was missing? Religion.

Don't tell me, will you?

I think it was
the strangest funeral
I ever been at.

You, me, and one mortician.

Yeah.

But I still think
you could've let me
sit on the aisle.

Come on, will you?
I let you talk, didn't I?

Didn't think I was gonna
have to sit through
a 45-minute urology.

I thought it went over big.

- Even the mortician cried.
- And you know when those guys cry...

Those guys cry
when you buy their
cheapest coffin.

Snyder only had 700 bucks left,

after I took out
his first and last
month's rent.

You took out two months, Barney?

Well, it wasn't my fault
that his first was his last.

Look, what else I found, Arch.

An old address book
with the old numbers
in it.

Chelsea, Lehigh, Rhinelander.

I see.
Oh, look at this.

There's a few
Snyder's in here, too.

Yeah.

But they're all crossed out,

if you follow my meaning there.

Yeah.

Is that the way
it's gonna be
for me, Arch?

Huh?

Well, you know,
I mean, no family,
no friends.

Sore at the world
'cause I'm all alone.

Come on, Barney, this guy,
what's his name there,

he outlived
all his friends,
you won't.

Hey, hey, come on,
let's have a little toast
to the living here.