04x07 - Break a Leg, Stephanie

[bunniefuu]

What's up? -

Is that my birthday present?

I was gonna surprise you.

Ah, I didn't know!

Hey, it's your birthday,
huh, Raoul?

I forgot myself,

but my family reminded me.

Breakfast in bed, huh?

No, they let me use
the bathroom first.

They only let you do that when
it's your birthday

or when you're dying.

Well, you ain't dying,
so I guess

- it's happy birthday, Raoul.
- I know. Thanks.

Hey, hey, hey, what's going on?

What, are my two illegals

smuggling something
into my kitchen?

It's just something
I made for Raoul.

- Today's his birthday.
- Oh, your birthday, huh?

- Well, happy birthday, Raoul.
- I know.

Yeah, well, let's see what
you got for a present there.

I bet he gave you personalized
jumper cables.

Oh, boy!

This is garbage.

Of course it is.

This is wonderful.

So true to my life.

You painted this, Jose?

It's beautiful.

What is beautiful about
a dead fish

sticking out of a newspaper?

Jose, I didn't know
you were a painter.

Oh, yeah, it's, um,
it's just a hobby.

- I've been painting for years.
- Painting for years?

Jeez, can't you
paint something pretty?

I think it's very moving.

You know what I think
we oughta do with it?

I know what I'd like to do
with it.

But I don't think
it would fit in the terlet.

- I think it's great.
- Do you have any others?

Yeah, sure.

Well, Mr. Sanborn, one of my
instructors at night school,

just finished a whole week
on the New Primitive Art.

I think yours is just as good.

I'll ask him to come down
and take a look

- at what you've got.
- Oh, please,

please. Huh.

I don't want no f*g art expert

swishing around
this establishment.

Mr. Sanborn is not like that.

He happens
to be very distinguished.

And he knows

all the people in the galleries.

The galleries?

The galleries are like
avar-aries,

everybody's flying around
in there.

Come on, ain't nobody
gonna go to work today?

What'd we do,
declare Raoul's birthday

a national holiday?

That would be nice.

Come on, please, huh,
get to work.

And you, don't be getting my
talented cook

all excited about art, you know?

Because there ain't no future
in art.

Art is only for people who
ain't got important work to do.

Well, I'm right.

The only art I'm interested
around here

is the art of dicing carrots
and koozinis.

So come on, on let's get to it.

- Okay, okay. We're going.
- We're going.

Don't be giving me looks
with the two eyes.

Perfecto! -

- Come on, Jose.
- Give us a look at 'em.

Ah, no peeking.
Not until Mr. Sanborn comes.

- Ah, come on, will ya?
- What is all of this?

Well, he said he'd be here
at three o'clock on the button.

Oh, what are you talking about
"on the button"?

Gee, some of these artsy types

don't even get up
till two o'clock.

And then, of course, they got
to go to hairdressers, right?

- Archie...
- Yes, they do.

And then they have the nails
done a little bit

whilst they're listening
to Judy Garland records.

And then, of course, there's
that stop at the steam baths...

- Archie, please.
- -And then if a connection's made there,

the next stop is Fire Island

and you may never
see the fruit at all.

- Hello, Mr. Sanborn.
- Sorry I'm late.

I would've been here sooner,

but there was a riot
at the steam bath.

Let that be a lesson to you.

I take it from your description
of your uncle

that this is he?

What description does he mean?

- Huh?
- Um, this is the artist, Jose.

- Huh?
- So pleased to meet you.

I'm always on the lookout
for new talent

and I can't wait
to see your paintings.

Okay, uh, follow me.

Yeah, well, now listen,
I hope this ain't gonna take

too long, Jose, ya know?

This happens to be
a place of business.

I already docked you
for the hour you took

setting all of this up.

Holy cow, it's all garbage.

I only paint what I see.

What do you mean, what you see?
You don't live in the city dump.

Close.

Well, Mr. Sanborn,
what do you think?

I'm amazed. I don't think that
in 20 years

I've ever seen such
an original primitive.

I got another one of 'em
standing right here.

No. No. What I mean
by the term "primitive"

is a primordial
and original approach

to such a commonplace subject.

Jose...

Is that English?

I think it's Manhattan, Midtown.

There is such a...

How shall I say,

Delacroix's innocence
to this work.

It is truly naive.

Very observant of you there,
Mister... What do ya call...

- Call me Chas.
- I can't.

All I wanna know
is if you really think

- this here garbage is good.
- I am saying it is sublime.

- Yeah, that, too.
- But, uh, is it good?

It's very, very good.

I would like to arrange
for a showing

of your work at a gallery
in Manhattan.

You're kidding.

- Jose, your own showing.
- Won't that be fabulous?

I personally would like
to buy an original Finito.

- An original what?
- Finito. Isn't that your name?

Perez is.

What's this?

Oh, yeah, that. Well, you see,
when the picture's completed

I... I put down "Finito."
Finished.

That's how I know
when it's done.

Well, you know
modern artists today.

They wouldn't know that what
they done was done,

unless they done that.

- Archie, please.
- Don't hurt my arm.

Of course, the gallery
usually takes

a 50 percent commission
on all works sold.

- Oh, hold it, hold it.
- Did I hear 50 percent?

Fifty percent
is the customary arrangement.

The rent is very high
on the galleries in SoHo.

- SoHo, h*, h*, h*.
- I tell you what I think.

- You're into the swindle here.
- Fifty percent.

Come on, Jose. I told you
this art is only for suckers.

Now come on, please,
let's get back

to your original talent, huh?

Goulash Nig-a-roo-ga.

- Now come on, let's go.
- We're wasting time in here.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Why don't we have the show
at some place

that won't cost as much?

- Like where?
- Like here.

No way, Jose.

Could we have it here?

Why not? The Warhol crowd
once held a showing in a subway.

Well, jeez, why don't youse
hold it in the subway, then?

You want to make
it real thrilling?

Hold it on the tracks.

Archie, just think
about it for a minute.

A whole bar full of rich people.

All of them drinking
expensive wine.

What are you talking about?

They'd have to bring
their own wine.

We don't serve
none of that here.

Well, then we'll buy
some champagne.

Mark it up 70 percent,
you'll end up making money.

- You think so?
- Yes!

And as long as Jose doesn't have
to pay a gallery,

I'm sure he wouldn't mind
giving you, say, uh...

- Two percent.
- Jose...

Two percent? Huh!

If it wasn't for me, you'd
be back in the land

with the green bananas

and the furry spiders that
eat owls.

I would say that 20 percent,
split evenly between

Mr. Sanborn and Archie,
sounds fair.

- What do you think, Jose?
- Yeah, that sounds okay.

These 12 paintings could easily
bring in over 3,000 dollars.

Boy...

I could live
a whole year on that.

A year in luxury.

Yeah.

Archie, can we please have
the show here?

Well, as long as it ain't gonna

cost me nothing, I can
afford it.

Wonderful. I'll take
care of the publicity.

And you, Mr. Bunker, you do
whatever it is you do.

Shall we say Sunday
at three o'clock?

Say whatever time
youse want, any time.

Uh, Jose, for now, will you
get back in the kitchen?

Mr. Perez,

sometimes great art comes
from great suffering.

You could be one
of the great ones.

Incredible things are happening
in the world of art.

Very true.

You know, I just read
in the National Enquirer there,

that a gorilla done
a perfect likeness

of President Nixon from memory.

Fascinating.

Boy, I, uh...

I don't know
if I can handle this.

Does this mean you're gonna
sell Raoul's birthday present?

That's okay.

But in that case,

I really need
those jumper cables.

- Two, please.
- Yeah, I heard ya.

Uh, now listen, uh...

Tell Harry and he'll turn
up the heat if you should

find yourself getting cold.

Hey! Hey!

You asked me twice
and I said no!

Interesting, huh?

The arrangement of this refuse
is almost rhapsodic.

Don't you agree?

Yeah, you took the words
right outta my mouth.

Wonderfully primitive.

Yeah.

- It's kind of...
- Knave, you know?

You know knave?

Oh, hi...

What does this painting
suggest to you?

Ten percent.

Of 400 dollars, which
is 40 dollars for me.

You better grab that
if you want it,

'cause all of these things
are moving very fast.

You are accepting
American Express?

Oh, ain't that unfortunate.

That's the one card
we cannot accept.

We gotta take cash
on the barrel head.

Excuse us, would you?

Jeez, try not to caress me, huh?

May I have a word with you?

- Yeah, go ahead.
- The fewer the better.

Sometimes when people
are studying a work of art,

they like to be left alone.

Hey, listen, they ain't here
to study, they're here to buy.

People. Let me tell you about
this kind of people in here.

I never liked them
and I always will.

They're just
a little off-beat, hmm?

You're telling me?

There's a guy back
there that asked twice

to paint me in the nude.

Don't mind Clarence,
he asks everyone.

Sometimes he gets lucky.

Hey, hey, Archie.

- Boy, what a swell party.
- My kind of people.

- Yeah, berserkos.
- Yeah.

Hey, Arch, would
it be possible, do you think,

to put one of Jose's paintings
on my tab?

No, Barney, unfortunately
no tabs today.

We do take the American
Express card. You got that?

No, I left home without it.

You're the one, aren't you?

- Uh. That depends.
- Are you from Immigration?

- No, no, no.
- Just a patron.

Oh, well, yeah, in that case,
I'm the one.

Mr. Finito, I must know...

Why garbage?

Well, you see, it's like this.

The clothes you wear,

the food you eat, I mean,
even the car that you drive,

sooner or later,
it all becomes garbage.

I just cut out the middleman.

Brilliant!

Don't do that.

What are you looking at,
Mr. Van R.?

Arch, I have no idea.

Ah, well, hmm...

Trust me, this is one of them
days when

it's just as well to be blind.

Well, isn't this
a real success, Archie?

Oh, yeah.

Jose just sold two more
paintings at 250 dollars each!

Did you get cash for them?

Archie, these people are
very rich, they don't have cash.

Hi, there.

- You know something?
- In the right light

you could be Fay Wray.

Do you mind? I'm trying
to appreciate this painting.

Oh, yeah. Well, boy, it's really
a swell painting.

I love it.

It reminds me of Grandma Moses.

No kidding!

She must've been
one ugly old broad.

How gauche.

It gauche pretty good.

How gauche it with you?

Oh, don't leave...

Oh, I think I love you.

Jose, isn't this wonderful?

- Yeah, it's terrific.
- But you know,

I can't get used to all
these weird people.

You're telling me.

Some guy just asked
me to pose nude.

Oh, yeah, Clarence. I already
turned him down.

Hey, hey, there, Jose, old pal,

I just want you to know I have
examined all your paintings

and I think they're wonderful,
you know?

And the one I find most moving
is the one with the garbage.

- Thanks, Barney.
- Yeah,

and I want you to know,
I'd really like to purchase one,

but unfortunately,
I'm financially strapped

for the next 16 years.

Now, if you'll be kind enough

to point me toward
the men's room,

I'll be eternally grateful.

Oh, hi, there.

You know, in the right light,

you could be Katharine Hepburn.

And you could be arrested.

I haven't even
made my suggestion.

Congratulations, Jose.

We just sold your last
painting and we could have sold

a dozen more.

- You are a success.
- How do you feel?

Oh, it's great! I mean,
I haven't felt this happy

since the junta
let my mother go.

Jose, you don't have
to work here anymore.

You should be devoting
all of your time

to creating new works of art!

Well, you know,
all this excitement

could just
be a flash in my pants.

I don't think I can
quit this job.

Hold it, hold it, hold it,
I'm listening over here.

Don't be telling this
man to quit his job!

Jose needs time to paint.

I'll give Jose all the time
in the world

he needs to paint there.

Jose, you know what? You can
take a full hour for lunch.

- With pay?
- Don't push it.

Jose, you just continue to paint
this way and one day,

your name and garbage
will be synonymous.

Hey, Arch, I just solved my
immediate financial problems.

A guy in there wants me
to model for him for 50 bucks.

Hmm!

Don't you know that he wants
you in your birthday suit?

Why would he want me
in my birthday suit?

It's all wrinkled.

Clarence will press it for you.

Jose, I don't want to hear
none of this.

Now come on,

the man said he would pay you
for this garbage.

Start grinding it out!

- Yeah, that's it.
- Now spread it around.

Spread it around and...

You have to touch
it with your hands.

Okay, okay.

Jose...

why don't you paint girls?

That's enough now.

Uh, how is that, Jose?
Is that garbagy enough for you?

It's just not right.

Raoul, Raoul. Hey, hey, listen,

I think we need you
in the kitchen,

unless, of course, apple pie
is supposed to smoke.

This is not fair.

I have to do the cooking
while Jose sits on his can.

I don't know what's wrong
with me.

You're probably just having
a little block.

It's understandable.

Archie, he cannot rush
his artwork.

I don't see nobody rushing him.

Since last week he only
done six pictures there.

That only brings
in 1,500 dollars,

a 150 for me.

Boss, I'm painting
as fast as I can.

Jeez.

Now, where do you want these?

- Well, just sprinkle 'em around.
- You know,

make it a little artsy...

No, no. Oh, no... Not all
in one lump in the middle.

Around the edge here.

- There. That's nice.
- Yeah, like that.

Old stockings over a line,
kind of thing.

You know what I mean.

- See? There, look at that.
- You like that better?

Yes...

it's okay, but, you know what...

I'm just not inspired.

Think about all the money
you made last week.

- Don't that inspire you?
- All that money's gone.

Oh, holy cow.

Money runs through youse people
like a Mexican malted.

- I paid all my bills.
- Get outta here.

I bet you run out
and bought yourself

one of them 300-pound radios.

Come on, you better
start doing something

if you ever wanna make that
big jump up to the lower class.

Something's just not right!

- It's not right.
- Well, Mr. Sanborn's

gonna be here any minute.

He's gonna be looking
for something to sell.

I know. I know!

That's better.

If it's good for you,
it's good for me, Jose.

If I was you, I'd start
right away

and capture that there,
you know?

Because I mean, uh,
at two o'clock the sanitation

is gonna come and remove your
model on ya.

Hi! Mr. Sanborn will
be here any minute.

Great.

Hi, there, Jose. You're all done
in there, huh?

- I guess so.
- Listen, you better go out

and stand by Raoul.

I think he's setting
fire to some more pies.

Good morning, good morning.

- Well, Mr. Sun-burn, it's you.
- Hi.

Well, how's our brilliant
new discovery today?

Tired. It ain't been easy.

Ah! The fruits of genius
are seldom gathered

from the lowest branch.

- Beautiful words.
- Beautiful words.

Whatever they mean.

Let's take a look at your
new paintings, Jose.

Yeah, come on,
come on, let's go.

Okay, I guess
they're dry by now.

Yeah, he's got a whole mess
of new art out here.

Hey, I'll do the
unveiling here, huh?

There ya go.

Now, what do ya think?
This one here's my favorite.

Look at them garbanzo beans,
I never seen them look so real.

They'd almost give you gas
looking at 'em.

What happened?

- This is unbelievable.
- That's what I said.

And that's why I think
we oughta raise the prices

on all of these.

Jose, I couldn't show
these to anyone.

You what?

- That bad, huh?
- Afraid so.

What are you talking about?

Archie.

I knew it wasn't gonna work.

But the other ones,
they were so good.

Yeah, well, I took
my time with those.

I mean... I felt every beer can.

Every banana peel
was a part of me.

I mean, it took me months to do

"Sunset Reflecting Chicken Fat."

But I gave you a whole lot
of extra time,

so you could churn
out some great art.

Yeah, but you can't
just churn 'em out!

I mean, it ain't like
making flapjacks.

You know, before,
I was painting for myself.

Well, all right, but now
you're also painting

for me and Sun-burn
and for money.

Yeah, well, that's just it.

Now that I'm painting
for money...

Ah, I feel like a,
like a prost*tute.

Jeez, don't say a thing
like that, Jose. God!

I mean, if you were that,
what would that make me?

Huh?

This is my fault.

I should have reached out
for your creative parameters.

No, wouldn't of done you
no good to touch him no place.

The man just ain't
got it in him no more.

Do you think that you could
get back the inspiration?

We shouldn't have rushed you,
Jose. You,

can't tamper with
the creative process.

You have to take your time,
however long it takes.

And when you're ready, call me.

Well, wait a minute,
wait a minute there,

Mr. Sun-burn. Hey, listen...

don't you think that
maybe we could

sell all of these anyway,
you know?

You kind of call them,
uh... Irregulars.

I'm afraid not.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Another thought just come to me.

You know, light bulb here.

Wouldn't all of these pictures
be worth a lot more money...

if the artist...

was to cut his ear off?

- Well, come on, now.
- You got two of 'em!