04x10 - Marriage on the Rocks

[bunniefuu]

Oh, come on, this again.

Come on, get out of there,
whoever that is!

- Just a minute.
- I'm blow drying my hair.

- Can't you run fast to school?
- That'll do the same thing.

Come on. I gotta get in there
and shave.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Get her out of there, huh!

- Oh, she's out...
- Hey, hey! Barbara Lee.

Listen, Barbara Lee,
unless you're in severe pain,

get outta there.

I'll only be a minute.

No woman was ever only a minute
in the bathroom!

- Yes, they were.
- Oh, yeah, well,

maybe back in the caveman days

when the bathrooms
had no mirrors.

- I can't believe it.
- At this time in the morning

anybody would be so savage
and...

Listen, whoever the hell
this is calling up

at seven o'clock
in the morning...

Uh, you, Rabinowitz.

- Uh, oh, no, I don't mind.
- As a matter of fact,

this is the first time
I was ever glad

to hear your voice. Yeah!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah I'll get her.
- Hang on here, yeah.

Uh, I...

Uh, Barbara Lee, I got somebody
on the horn here for you.

Well, who?

It's the guy
who keeps kissing you

in front of the customers.

I have no idea
who you're talking about.

Yes, you do. It's the Jewish
Perry Mason, here.

- Give me the phone.
- Yeah, here's the phone.

- Hello.
- No, no, no, no.

Not this time, kiddo.

Could you just hand me
the lip gloss

from the medicine cabinet?

Can't you never learn
to ask for things politely?

Could you please hand me
the lip gloss

from the medicine cabinet?

No, lip gloss is for tramps.

- Hang on one sec, okay?
- Steph, I'm in there next.

- No way! You lost your turn.
- You're on the phone.

But I'm trying to get to work!

But I'm trying to get to school!

I'm trying to shave
without slicing off my lip!

Which I just... God!

Every morning! Why?

- He talks about us?
- I mean, he's worse.

He reads a whole paper in there.

- I've got an idea.
- Okay, stand by the door

and get ready to run in!

I'll call you right back,
okay, Gar? Bye.

No, I can't talk to you
right now, Gary,

cause Archie's here.

Of course, I love you.

No, I haven't changed my mind.

I think Archie'll let us
live together...

as long as we're not sleeping
in the same bed.

Hey, hey! Hey! Hey!

- Let me get that phone, there!
- Let me talk to this guy.

This dirty young man

who wants to make a cocoboom
out of my niece, there?

I'll go and tell your Uncle Abe.

A hum on the line.

A little gag? How funny.

- How funny.
- How very funny in there!

Now, come on.
As the head of this household,

I demand you get out!

- Just a minute.
- In a minute.

If you find a piece of my lip
in the bowl...

- save it for me and wrap it.
- I might need it.

- Oh, well, now this is it!
- This is it!

That's all there is to it!

A man can't live in a house

where the women outnumber
the bathrooms!

Well, I'm gonna make
a phone call here.

Where the hell
are the Yellow Pages?

- Downstairs.
- Downstairs.

- Downstairs! Of course!
- Downstairs!

Yeah, it's right down there.
This way here, Mr. Whadyacall.

Oh, Pulaski.

- Oh, yeah, whatever.
- Pulaski, yeah.

Well, uh, here's everything,
as you can see and, uh,

thanks very much
for coming over so fast.

I... I only pray
that you can help me

in my time of,
and I ain't kidding,

urgent need.

Well, we see these problems
frequently

in the plumbing industry,
Mr. Bunker. One can, two dames.

Yes, yeah. I bet you do.

Yeah, I, uh...

I hope you don't mind
me kinda looking you over...

you know? But, uh.

What I mean to say is,

you know,
with this nifty suit on

- and everything, you know...
- Mm-hmm.

You don't look
much like a plumber,

you look more like a banker.

A banker couldn't afford
this suit.

Yeah.

Well, uh, I hope
you ain't planning

on getting another one
of them suits out of this job.

I mean, what this job is worth

wouldn't even buy you
your Fruit of the Looms.

I... I just need
something simple, you know?

Oh, like a little, maybe, shower
over there and, uh,

a sink someplace around here,
and, uh...

and then, of course, uh,

I guess, it was a minor tune
on the toilet.

No, you're going to need
a new one, Mr. Bunker.

This toilet has seen
its last flush.

Oh, I don't think so,
there, Mr. Pulaski.

This toilet always had
the most powerfullest action

in the whole house.

I mean, you know,
guests or strangers

using that was always surprised
by it.

I mean, we knew enough, uh,
not to stay there

and get away from it fast.

Yeah. Step back, you see.

I'll... I'll show you. Hey,
this ain't on its last flush.

So, I was one flush off.

Oh, well, yeah, but, I mean,
you know, look at it.

It's got
all the essentials there.

I mean, couldn't you just
get in there

and kind of fix it up?

Mr. Bunker...

you're building a new bathroom.

The toilet is the centerpiece.

It's like the jewel
in the crown.

- I'm not gonna wear the thing.
- I just wanna sit on it.

Let me put it this way.

It will cost more for me
to repair this toilet

than for me
to install a new one.

Installing a new one...

is therefore, I guess,
what we better doing.

You got it.

Yeah, still and all, you know.

- I'm gonna miss the old thing.
- Uh?

And every time I look at it,
it kind of takes me back.

- Yeah, I understand, Mr. Bunker.
- Yeah.

Now... I have

some photographs
of my work here.

- Ah
-Stop me when you see

- something you like.
- Yeah, go ahead, yeah.

Jesus, this all looks
very beautiful there.

Oh, over, here, over here.

Well, this toilet here, I... Uh...
I feel kind of drawn to that.

I don't think you'd care
for that, Mr. Bunker.

It's a bidet.

Looks kind of like a toilet
to me.

What the hell is a bidet?

Well...

how shall I put it? It's, uh...

it's like a basin...

with a fountain in the middle...

which you sit on.

Jeez, ain't that very odd?

- Let's move on.
- Yeah!

Uh, oh!

Here's a room
I am very proud of.

Understated elegance.

- Very, very tasteful.
- Hmm. Jeez, look at this!

Did you do that for a f*g?

Two of them.

Jeez, they can't stay away
from each other, can they?

- Mm-hmm.
- How much did that cost 'em?

- Fifteen thousand.
- Fifteen thousand, my God!

You see, they always got
a lot of money, huh?

I've got something here
for 7,000.

Oh, come on, Mr. Pulaski, 7,000.

I don't wanna spend
that kind of money.

We ain't gonna entertain
down here.

I think I have exactly
what you're looking for.

Where?

Yeah, yeah, that's more
like what I want.

Yeah, where'd you do that?

The U-Pump-It gas station
down the block.

Well, listen, say what you like,

the U-Pump-It guys
show a lot of taste, there.

That's good enough for me.

How much would you nick me
for that?

- Thirty-five hundred.
- Come on, 3,500 dollars!

Pulaski, your prices
are outrageous!

These are the prices

that things are going for
these days, Mr. Bunker.

But, my God, when people
hear prices like this,

I mean, they...
Don't they get mad at you?

Sometimes.

Yeah, I'll bet sometimes.

Yeah, I bet
they call you names, too!

- Like what?
- Well, I don't know,

you know, maybe like, uh, thief.

I resent that, Mr. Bunker.

I do professional work
and I give a fair price.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
but do they call you that?

Yes, I hear that a lot.

And when you hear that,
what do you do?

I leave, like I'm doing now.

Oh, well, you don't see me
trying to stop you, there.

At prices like that,
who the hell needs you?

- Mr. Bunker.
- Don't argue with me.

I never argue.

Nature is my co-pilot.

Only two more days' work

and the construction
is all done.

I shingled the roof,
I put in the windows.

All I have left to do
is the patio.

Sounds like
very expensive remodeling.

Yeah. Well, there's nothing
too good for Rusty's dog house.

Hey, Harry,

do you know where I could get
some very short drapes?

As time marches on,

every day the world gets
just a little bit more stinko.

Did the plumber show up?

Yes, the plumber showed up
this morning, there...

The two of you don't have to
listen to me, here.

Yeah, for ten or 15,000 dollars,

he could lay in a new bathroom
for me. How do you like that?

You should've seen
some of the garbage

he showed me, there.

Now, why would anybody
want to make a toilet

with a little fountain
in the middle of it?

- Do you see?
- That stops you, don't it?

Billie, we've got
to do something.

See, I've been thinking
about this,

and I worked out what I... what I
think is a compromise here.

I use that bathroom
whenever I want,

and you two girls wait.

But that'll never work!

What will never work

is the two of youse homesteading
in my bathroom every morning!

- I don't care.
- I just ain't calling in

no more plumbers, that's all.

I called one in this morning.
You should've seen what he done.

You called him a thief
and he hit you in the mouth.

This ain't got nothing to do
with anything.

Except it's the main reason
why I need a new bathroom.

Would you relax, Arch?

I got all the answers
to your bathroom problems.

Oh, jeez, I guess I'd better
sit down for this one, huh?

You were saying, Barney.

It's called do-it-yourself.

Jeez, I shouldn't even ask this
but go ahead,

- do what myself?
- Here it is, right here.

The Handy Helpers Guide
to Home Improvement.

- Oh!
- Look, here you go.

Right there.

You know, I just put an addition
on Rusty's dog house.

You see, he needed
the extra room

because he's been entertaining
a lot of dogs lately.

Just like his owner.

That was vicious
and uncalled for.

Nevertheless, Barney.

Uh. "Have you ever wished

you had an extra bathroom
in your home?" Yes.

"But have the high costs
prevented you

from giving yourself
that luxury?"

- Damn right.
- Yeah.

- "- Well, worry no more.
- Now you too

can have a second bathroom
for under 500 dollars."

Under 500 dollars? -

"Just read these
easy to follow instructions

and ask yourself,
Do I have the basic skills

needed to complete this here

simple, inexpensive,
trouble-free project?"

No.

Listen to Mr. Negative
over here.

- What's the matter with you?
- What do you mean, "no?"

What I mean is,
building a bathroom

takes time, trouble
and hard work.

Now, what are you saying,
I'm afraid of hard work?

No, no, no. It's just that
you're a businessman.

You shouldn't bother
with that kind of thing.

- You know, you're right.
- Huh.

I am a businessman.

And I shouldn't be bothered
with that kinda thing.

Oh, boys!

Jose, Raoul!

I've got great news for you.

You know what he's gonna do?

He's going in there
and take advantage

of the foreign born.

What else is new?

Guys, the girls
are sleeping upstairs.

Come on, now. Take it easy.

Hey, watch out for that, John!

I'm Raoul.

Oh, come on! Shh.

All right.

Put it over there.
Oh, there's the shower, too.

- Take note of the shower.
- That has to go in, too.

All right, now put it down,
put it down.

Easy, easy, easy, easy there.

Damn thing cost me
a small fortune.

That's the deluxe model,
you know,

with the balanced seat, here.

That's the one
that never falls over on a man

when he don't expect it.

How's that, boss?

That is beautiful, ain't it,
huh?

Yeah, well...

there's no sense
just standing here

- just viewing it.
- You know what I mean?

I ain't paying you guys
to have a good time.

We're not having good time.

Oh, come on. Tell me
that you didn't have fun

poking around
that hardware store.

Okay. I didn't have fun

poking around
the hardware store.

I think we better
get back to work.

Um, boss, why don't you
give me the book?

Yeah, yeah,
here's the instructions there.

Now, you'll find
the whole thing on page, uh, 19

or I don't know, maybe it's 91.

Anyway, it says
that the whole job

shouldn't take us
over eight hours.

But I think
you guys can do it in half.

- But it says eight.
- I know it says eight.

But, all right,
eight divided by youse two

comes to, like, between four
and five.

Huh? Huh? Now, listen, fellas,

I'm gonna go upstairs to bed,
you know,

cause it's been such a long day,

huh?

So, please, no loud arguments
between the two of youse

over which one of you is gonna
take that old one home.

Right? Okay, get to work, huh?

Bye.

Uh, fellas, I need
a corned beef and cabbage,

a pork chop special,
two chef salads,

and a rib eye steak,
medium well.

- Got that?
- What?

- You look tired.
- No, no, we just have no sleep.

- Can I have that order again?
- Yeah,

uh, a corned beef and cabbage,

a pork chop special,
two chef salads.

And you're not getting this,
are you?

Huh?

Harry, I could punch him
for doing that to these guys.

Hey, who you gonna punch,
there, Rabinowitz?

- No!
- Uh, me. Me.

Oh, yeah?

You should never have
gotten anybody

to build that bathroom
for you except a professional.

Hey, professionals
are all crooks.

What do you call a man
who exploits his workers?

A free enterprise entrepreneur.

And what do you call
a young lady

who goes to night school
and turns against her uncle?

- What?
- A communist. You wanna be that?

I'm talking about forcing
your employees

to do personal jobs for you.

You wanna be a communist,
go to college in the daytime.

Listen, you, I had a boss once
who made me

pick up his dry cleaning,
and gas up his car.

I even had to buy his wife
a negligee!

Why are you telling me that?

I had a wife
who was decent enough to wear

bloomers and drawers.

Listen, all I done
was ask my two boys in there,

who owe me a hell of a lot,
to make a bathroom for me!

But that's
your personal business!

It has nothing to do
with the bar!

Yes, it does have something
to do with the bar!

It does have somethin' to do
with the bar!

Because if I can't get into
my toilet in the morning,

that means I'm late
coming down here for work.

If I'm late coming down here
for work,

this whole business
comes to a crashing halt.

If this business comes
to a crashing halt,

then everything is done.

Then everybody's
out of work here.

You, Jose, Raoul there,
Harry, Shirley over there.

The ch*nk passing by here.

And if we's are all out of work,

then what happens
to unemployment.

The unemployment figures
go rocketing up to the moon!

You could move.

The unemployment figures
go rocketing up to the moon

and that makes
Ronnie Reagan look bad!

I know you don't give a damn
about that.

But if Ronnie Reagan looks bad,

then our whole economy
looks bad.

If the economy looks bad,

then there's panic
in the streets.

There's bankers leaving
to the South of France.

There's stockbrokers
leaving their offices at night

through the windows, there.

So ipso facto, and the president
would back me up on this.

The whole economy of America
could depend

on Archie Bunker's toilet.

That is the most
ridiculous thing

you've ever said.

God, what the hell do you know?

You've only been living with me
one year.

Come on, come on, come on!

You gotta come down
and look at this thing!

Get down here, come on!

Youse can always set the table
later on, huh?

Oh, gee, you wouldn't want
to miss the big unveiling

of the new bathroom, would ya?

- It's just a bathroom!
- Don't say it like that.

This here is where you girls
are gonna spend

some of the happiest moments
of your lives.

- Are you sure everything works?
- Well, why wouldn't it work?

They've been working
on it there for two nights

running with no interruptions.

You know, not much to talk about

cause they don't speak
good English.

- Oh, there he is.
- I'm proud of you, Jose.

Come on, this way, huh.

Oh, uh, huh, girls,
look at this.

Will you look at this, huh?

I mean, now this is a bathroom.

Admit it.

This is a better bathroom
than we got upstairs,

huh? Look at all...

Where are them tiles?

We put all that came in the box.

- Well, that was fun.
- Can I go upstairs now?

- All right, hold it!
- You can't leave

until we launch the toilet.

Are you gonna hit it
with a bottle of Ty-D-Bol?

Now, don't be smart, huh.

You know
the most important thing

about a toilet is the flush.

I'm gonna give it
its first test flush.

Okay, this is the moment
we've all been waiting for.

This ain't right, is it, boys?

I don't get no good morning
from you, huh.

- No.
- Oh, what, are ya still sore?

Yes!

I'm not going
over to Barney's anymore.

This morning we had to wait

while Barney and Rusty
took a bath.

Oh! -

Who's down in the basement?

That's Pulaski the plumber.

He's been laughing
since he got here.

Now, wait for me
out on the lawn, Rusty,

and later we'll go shopping.

Hi, Arch.

Hey, since your water
was turned off,

I thought I'd bring you over
a pot of coffee.

Jeez, that's very sweet of you,
you know that, Barney?

Sometimes I think
you're my only true friend.

Only, I just wish
you wouldn't let your dog do

his do's out there.

Hey, look, after all,
you're using my facilities.

Would you deny Rusty yours?

Wow! Thirty-five years
in the plumbing industry,

I have never, ever seen
anything quite like that!

All right, Pulaski,
don't rub it in, huh?

My only mistake was using
them illegals, there.

Come on, show me your estimate
and let me sign it.

All right, Mr. Bunker,
here is the estimate.

- Forty-five hundred dollars.
- Are you out of your mind?

Pay it, Archie.

Stay out of this, please, huh?

You quoted me 3,500 dollars
for a bathroom.

That's right, Mr. Bunker.

Well, what's the extra
1,000 dollars for?

To get rid of that bathroom...

that's down there now.

- Please pay it, Uncle Archie.
- Will you shuts up?

Remember, Mr. Bunker,
nature is still on my side.

All right, Pulaski,
give me the pen.

- Where do I sign?
- Right there, sir.

When can you get started
on this?

- Right away, Mr. Bunker.
- I have two very experienced

and professional men
in the truck.

Boys!

That went right through my head
like a nail.

Hey, I see you found
my home improvement book, there.

Can I have it back?

Oh, is this yours?
Yeah, I found it downstairs.

I fished it outta the lake
that's down there.

Oh, yeah, thanks a lot.

- Hey, that's a wonderful book.
- See.

- You like that book?
- I love that book.

That book bought me
a summer cottage at Crown Point.

- Agua!
- Agua!