04x19 - I Can Manage

[bunniefuu]

You sign your namee here
on the cardee

with the timee over the clockee

- when you come to workee.
- Huh?

- Savvy?
- Sounds very simple to me.

Raoul, you wind the clock
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

Jose, wind the clock
Tuesdays, Thursdays

- and Saturdays.
- No, no, no, boss, I'm off

- every other Saturday.
- Then Raoul can wind it.

But, boss, I'm off
every other Monday.

Then the ch*nk can wind it.

But, boss, Bruce don't come in
till the afternoon on Monday.

- Then Harry can wind it.
- Hold it, hold it.

I thought we agreed
to buy a real time clock.

Do you know how much
one of these costs?

149.50.

Yes, therefore no.

Somebody's got to cut corners
around here,

you know, and I guess
it's got to be me.

You mean like
that sign in your restroom?

"Caution, only three sheets
per customer."

Anybody who needs
more should go home.

You know, one day...

archeologists will discover
my bones...

chained to that bar,
holding a revolver to my head.

Don't argue with him.

What are you doing?
What's this? Archie's Special?

A free beer with every
order of chicken croquettes.

Don't argue with him.

Honey, chicken croquettes
was yesterday's special.

Don't argue with him.

Did anybody order
the croquettes?

Three very old people.

He owns and manages this place.

He doesn't know
what the hell he's doing.

- The place does good business.
- He makes money.

It's luck. That is sheer luck.

Now, I've been thinking
about this for weeks.

There are a hundred things
he could do to make things

- smoother around here.
- There's menu planning,

there's... there's
new cooking systems.

He's still suspicious
of the electric can opener.

He can't learn anything new.

Honey... there are whales
at Marineland

that have learned
how to play basketball.

Now, we're gonna see
some changes around here.

- Bunker, could you...
- Oh, please,

don't get him started this early
in the morning.

Then he'll be in a rage all day

and he'll bring it home
with him tonight.

All right. All right.

For you...

- I won't say anything.
- Okay.

I, uh, you know somethin',

I think we ought to get rid
of that electric can opener.

That's it! In the office!

What's with him?

Don't argue with him.

Hey.

What, are you lookin'
for an argument with me?

Bunker, do you know why
I come here every week?

Yeah, to gobble free bagels
and grope my niece.

Besides that!

I like to think that I help out

with some of the minor
details around here, you know.

Like the bills, the taxes,
the ordering.

Yeah, yeah, come on,
get to the point, huh?

The point is, we need
some changes around here.

And you know those magazines
I brought in,

Restaurant Guidelines

- and Today's Food World?
- Yeah,

yeah, yeah, I seen 'em.

Where are they?

They're proppin' up
the short leg of that desk.

You think you might take them
out from under there

and look at them?

Well, not before I get
the leg fixed.

You know, Bunker,
there's hundreds of ideas

in those magazines.

They're designed to save time,
energy, and money.

I mean, one of them
has this whole article

just on condiment dispensers.

Hey, hey, hey!

I ain't puttin' one of them
dirty things into my restrooms!

- Bunker, I'm talking about...
- condiments.

You don't put pickle relish
in a restroom.

Well, I don't know what the hell
you're talkin' about.

All I know is,
if it costs money, then no dice.

- All right, all right...
- bottom line!

Now, this very important
client of mine...

Oh, come on, come on,
what are you talkin'?

Your firm don't give
you no important clients.

Huh, that's why
they give you me.

Nevertheless,
this client of mine

from the Restaurant Association

runs a two day
management seminar.

I hear it's fantastic! -

- I hate seminars!
- Oh, it's at a beautiful hotel

- up in the Poconos.
- Oh...

with the Poconos!

I think it would be a good idea
if you took the course.

- I hate courses.
- You'll learn

all the little tricks
of management.

I hate... management!

All I know is runnin' things,
see.

And I run a business here.

I've been runnin' it
quite a while.

And I run it pretty good,

without any screw-ups
that I can't easily cover up.

- No screw-ups?
- That's right.

Mm-hmm.

How about the 50,000
swizzle sticks that you ordered?

I got them at a steal.

That was a hedge
against inflation.

And that discount butcher,
that sold you live chickens?

Hey, hey... that would have
worked very good.

Only my menials out there
started to cry,

every time
they had to choke a chicken.

Bunker...

What have you got against trying
to modernize a little bit?

It's 1983!

Hey... why do people keep
tellin'
me what year it is, huh?

Jeez, they started that
back in 1980.

"Bunker, it's 1980,"
then it was 1981.

- "- Bunker, it's 1982!
- It's 1983!"

Now, why do you tell me that?

Because you're still
back in 1940.

- Well, let me tell you something.
- That was a better year

- than this here one.
- You should've been there.

- Hi, honey, is your uncle in?
- Uh-huh.

- Okay, I got these pamphlets.
- Now listen to this.

I talked to my client
Teresa Forbes,

you know the lady that runs
that seminar.

- Mm-hmm.
- And as a special favor to me,

she's agreed to come by
just to talk to Archie.

This is going to be a fun day.

Honey, at this point
I'll try anything.

Hope springs eternal.

Harry... now I know that Bunker
can be changed.

Why don't people try harder?

When people run into
a stone wall they usually stop.

"The Moneymaker of the '80s,
Melted Nacho Chips,"

"The Promising
Potential of Pork."

Great, huh?

And that's just
the tip of the iceberg.

Mm-hmm.

And here comes the iceberg.

Harry, ain't you ashamed,
lettin' this little man

carry a load like that, huh?

- Uh, Bunker, I'd like to talk...
- Hold it, hold it, hold it,

please don't bring up none
of that education

- crapola no more, huh?
- Do you know somethin'?

I'm almost to the point
where I'm sick of education.

- Look at these pamphlets.
- Aw, the pamphlets!

This one lists classes
in buying,

- classes in inventory.
- Oh.

Look, there's even a class...-

- in appetizers.
- Oh, jeez,

the whole world is goin' nuts
on classes.

- Am I right, Harry?
- Anything you say, Arch.

You know they got classes now,
in these aerobic things

for taking more air into you.

Who the hell needs more air?

Would you believe,
they even got classes

where you go underwater
to learn how to talk to hippos.

- Ah, I think you mean dolphins.
- A fish is a fish.

- Well, uh, anyway, Bunker...
- No, no, no!

Please don't bring up
that argument from this mornin'.

Now that's an end to it, huh.

I ain't gonna spend no costly
weekend up in the Poconos,

just to learn
how to bake a potato.

- Hello, Gary.
- Oh, Teresa.

Excuse me, but you must be
the manager.

Yeah, I'm... I'm the manager
and the owner, Archie Bunker.

- What can I do for you?
- So nice to meet you.

I'm Teresa Forbes,
from the Restaurant Association.

Oh, howdy?

Oh, wait a minute. Hold it,
hold it.

Is this your client
from the Restaurant Association,

you was tellin' me
gives the classes?

- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.

Well, you didn't say nothin'
about this.

Hello, uh-oh, excuse me but,

uh, you're the beautifulest
teacher I've ever seen.

Thank you.-

Please, sit down,
will you please, huh?

- All right.
- May I take your coat, now?

- Thank you.
- Yeah, well, yeah.

All right, listen.

I got a whole bunch
of your magazines

- back in the office there.
- Really.

They're so, whaddaya call,
informational.

Thank you, thank you.

Ain't you three got nothin'
to do?

Oh, can I offer you
some refreshment?

Oh, coffee would be nice.

Oh, certainly. Harry, we need
a cup of coffee.

- Cream and sugar, right?
- How did you know?

Oh, in my business,
you spot these things.

They tell me you're throwin'

some kind of a shindig
up in the Poconos.

- Yes, this weekend.
- Oh, jeez...

I bet it's gonna be beautiful
up there, huh?

I think you'd really like it.

Yeah, would I?

Oh, sure. Let me show you
a picture.

I got a funny feeling Archie's
goin' to this conference.

How do you know?

In my business,
you spot these things.

Yeah, that is beautiful
up there.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

You know, I always say...

"The closer a man gets
to education...

the better off he is."

Well...

now I'd like to hear
some ideas from you.

Oh, Mr. Langerman.

Well, besides
what you have listed,

I always check around
with other restaurants

to see what's popular.

Now, if I find one
particular item,

I'll offer it on a limited basis

and, uh, see what
the response is.

- Wonderful, wonderful.
- Jeez, everybody does that, pal.

Anyone else?

Mr. Bunker, what about you?

Ah, me? I ain't got no ideas.

Surely you must. A restaurant
the size of yours.

Yeah, well, uh, there's,
you know,

one or two things that I do.
I... I got this one gimmick, see.

If I don't know anything
about an item...

- see, I take it on a dish.
- I put it under the nose

of one of my customers,
Mr. Van Ranseleer.

Well, he don't know even
what it looks like,

because, uh, this happens
to be a blind guy.

But, what a nose.

This man once smelled a dead cat

clean around the corner
from the bar,

huh.-

So... if he don't like it,
I don't serve it.

If he likes it, then it goes,
you know, yeah.

You know, you look terrific
up here.

Thank you.

Uh, Ms. Spiro.

Uh, you want me to sit down,
now?

- If you would.
- Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

Beautiful looking girl, huh.

Well, the clientele
in my restaurant

are extremely health conscious.

Well, our studies show

that a huge trend
favoring health foods.

Yes.

Uh, if I may, uh, suggest there.

I don't know if it's really
such a huge trend,

you know, all due respect.

I'll tell you one thing.

Uh, the clienteles
in my restaurant there,

they would never eat
no nuts and leaves.

I see. But nutritionally,
how do you decide what to offer?

Well, we ain't really got
any hard and fast rule on that.

But generally speakin', uh,

"If Jane Fonda would eat
it, we don't serve it."

That's a novel approach,
if it works.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, it works.
- Mr. Daniels.

Well, first off,
I've had my restaurant

for ten years, in this
Puerto Rican neighborhood.

- And...
- Uh-oh, uh-oh!

Ever been stabbed?

Once. By my wife.

Anyway, what I want to say is,

that I have to be aware
of what my customers

prefer to eat, right?

So, as a result, uh,
ethnic appeal, for me,

is the number one priority.

- That's a good point.
- Thank you.

Could I just say this about the,
uh, the ethnic, there.

You know, I believe
in stickin' strictly

- to American foods, there.
- Oh.

- The ethnic...
- you know.

Not that there's anything
subversive

about the ethnic,
or anything like that.

- It's just that... ethnic...
- can give you terrible gas.

To say the least, you know.

Take for instance that, uh,
Jap stuff,

they're servin' up, you know,
that they make out

of dead whales, there.

You knows, that they...
What do they call it,

the raw tushie.

No, no, no, I think
you mean "sushi."

Yeah, that's it! That's it,
yeah!

It's not made from whales.

Well, whatever, whatever,

all I know is this there,
Teresa,

I wouldn't bait a trap
with that stuff.

Oh!

It looks like the time is up
for this session.

Oh, uh, I'll sit down again.

- Would you?
- Yeah!

But we are going to meet
right here,

tomorrow morning to continue.

In the meantime, you're welcome
to take some refreshments.

And later on, you're all invited

to our
"Getting to Know You" party.

It's in the Tropic Room.
And I hope to see you all there.

Thank you very much.

Uh, yeah, goodbye, everybody!

Uh... I... I, uh, I didn't say
nothin' wrong in here,

- did I, Teresa?
- Of course not, Mr. Bunker.

Oh, hey, don't call me
Mr. Bunker.

- I mean, I'm calling you Teresa.
- Can't you call me Archie?

All right, Archie.

I really wanted to thank you
for your participation.

Your methods are a little wild,

but I just love
your sense of humor.

- Yeah, you know what I love?
- What?

I love to see...

- a beautiful woman...
- who's in charge.

Thank you. Thank you.

Say, are we going to see you
at the party tonight?

Oh, yeah, that's right, you...
You mentioned, uh, a party here.

Well, uh... was you plannin'
on bein' at that?

Of course! It's the best way
to get to know people.

Ah, the hell with people.

- I mean, I didn't mean that.
- I just mean,

that you know,
there's nobody here,

I particularly, uh, want to get
to know.

There isn't one person here
you'd like to get to know?

- Yeah, yeah, there is one. Yeah.
- Who?

Well... you.

Okay.

I love those old songs.

- Don't you?
- Sure,

- because they're so romantic.
- Oh.

Whatever happened to romance,
huh?

Oh, who the hell knows? -

Oh, well... here we are.

Oh, hey, come on! Here,
let me do that for you, huh.

Okay.

- Well, it's your room.
- Come on in.

Now you see. I knew
you'd enjoy that party.

Oh, I had a hell of a time here.

But you know

one thing I done,
that I've never done before,

I never drunk booze
out of a coconut.

I thought I'd die when
you put that little umbrella

on your head and you sang
"Pennies From Heaven."

It was funny, huh?

Aw, but I got another gag
you ought to see,

has 'em layin' on the floor.

- I play a walrus, you know.
- I put straws up my nose.

Yeah.

You know, I have some
fascinating pamphlets here

on deep fryers.

Oh, oh, the deep fryers, yeah.

Well, you know,
to tell the truth,

uh, I just bought
a new one of these.

Oh, we could always discuss

the advantages of cloth napkins
over paper.

Oh, listen, I'll take the cloth
over the paper,

you know, anytime, so... so,
no discussion.

You know, I... have a great
recipe for cheese puffs.

Oh, yeah, well,
I love cheese puffs.

And I gotta get that recipe
from ya before I leave.

But to tell you the truth,
I don't want to talk

about food or... or restaurants
no more.

- What do you want to talk about?
- I... I hate talk.

Uh, I don't mean that,
I mean that...

I never could talk, uh...

sittin' on a bed.

Well, how was the French toast?

Oh, it's good, very good.

Uh, but it's...
It's a little weird,

you know, havin' it
with strawberries.

I never put fruit on...
On bread before.

How do you usually eat it?

Oh, at home we have it plain.

Yeah, but one of my nieces,
you know,

punches holes in it with a fork,
so, it sucks up all the syrup.

That's what I like.-

Oh, it's almost ten.

I can't miss
that morning session.

Oh hey... hey, Teresa,

I could miss that...

- like that, you know.
- Oh.

- You look swell.
- Oh, you're sweet.

And you are swell.

So were you.

And you know what
I was thinkin'?

You live in New York,
I live in New York.

So, the two of us,
we... we could get together.

We... we could be doin'
this all the time.

Oh.

Well, I didn't mean
exactly like...

what... what I meant was,
the two of us,

we could have
a lot of swell times.

- Oh.
- Listen...

I want to tell you
somethin', Teresa.

The... the minute you walked
into that bar

and I first seen you, you know,

I got a feelin' come
over me... quick.

You know, like... It never
happened that way before.

- Really?
- Yeah,

I mean, you know,
yeah, really, really.

- I've... I've got a class.
- Oh, come on, can't you be late

for the class? -

- And there's the phone!
- I hate the phone!

Hello, yes, Brandon,
what's wrong?

Oh, they're in your closet

right next to your
clothes hamper.

- Yeah.
- Okay, have fun.

Oh, Brandon... be sure
that you and Jennifer

do all your homework
before you go anywhere.

And be sure Mrs. Bertram
knows where you're at.

- Okay... see you tomorrow...
- bye-bye.

Oh, you talkin'
to a couple kids there?

Uh-huh.

Yours?

Yes.

You're divorced, huh?

No.

Did your husband die?

No.

Well, you ain't divorced...

and you ain't a widow.

What the hell was we doin' here?

Making love.

Married people ain't supposed
to be doin' that!

I... I didn't mean that.

I... I meant that... that you know
what I mean.

I don't feel married anymore.

You don't feel married?

When did that feelin'
come over you, last night?

No, a long time ago.

Yeah, but...

but, Teresa, the kids
and your... your husband,

is he livin' there with you
in the house?

Yes.

Archie, I... I didn't expect
this.

I... I'm really surprised...

but I'm not ashamed.

Oh, well, Teresa, I... I, uh...

I'm ashamed.

Then, I'm sorry about that.

I guess I better get back
into New York.

Archie!

Do you think it's done?

Yeah, it should be ready by now.

Nah, it's still ticking!
We got to do something else.

Oh, no, no, no!
We're guilty enough already.

Let's get Bruce to do something.

Ah.

Bruce, there's a fly
on the clock.

The boss, the boss!

- Oh, boss, I was set up.
- Oh, that's okay, Brucee.

Hey, why don't you take
the rest of the day off.

Why didn't I hit that fly?

Raoul...

there was no fly.

Listen, Harry, I don't...

Hey, Bunker,
what are you doing back?

You're supposed to be
up at the conference.

Well, I left.

You left?

- Yes, I left there.
- The whole thing was...

Terrible disappointment!

Are you telling me
that you didn't pick up

anything at that conference?

What the hell do you mean
by that crack?

Nothing, I just meant,
didn't you learn anything

that would make
the business better?

Yes! I learned never to listen
to you.

You know your problem, Bunker.

You refuse to give anything new
a chance.

I mean if you make up your mind

that something's not right
for you,

you just turn your back on it!

When, for all you know,
it could be the best thing

in the world for you.

You're right.

I am?

Yeah... so, shaddup!